That video’s good because if there’s one team who needs more attention, it’s the New England Patriots. Congratulations to the team and their unknown quarterback Tommy Whatshisname on their special anniversary. Hopefully me posting this video will get them the recognition they deserve for tonight’s Monday Night Football game against the Buffalo Bills.

Anywayyyyyy, my fantasy team is the greatest ever. Drew Brees, Adrian Peterson, Kevin Smith (who was meh, but he’ll be at that same level all year), Greg Jennings, Jerricho Cotchery, Jason Witten, and some other a-holes. This is the year I regain that coveted, worthless crown of Fantasy Football Champion.

If you’d like sage wisdom from The New Fantasy King of Fantasy Football and Fantasy Related Endeavors, please feel free to ask in the comments. Don’t miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity.

I’ve never really been in the camp that believes that you should hook up with needy fat girls because they’ll “do more”, probably because I’ve been firmly in the camp that would prefer not to find a decomposing cheeseburger on a girl during an intimate love-making session.

The only reason I would date a fat girl is if I knew I’d be getting into a plane crash soon. I assume her veal-like existence would make her nice and tender and delicious when we inevitably ended up resorting to cannibalism. But I bet it’d be kind of awkward when they go to rescue me from the crash like 12 hours later and I’m already eating a Bulbous Becky buffet. Whatever man. You haven’t been in my shoes.

If I saw a penis monster complete with balls grabbing at me with tentacles while I’m just trying to chill out in my bikini, I would f’ing cry. Then I’d probably have to fellate it which would be difficult because I have a gag reflex and also hate the taste of lake water. I also assume the jizm coming from a sea monster cock and balls would not be the most delicious thing I’ve ever come across. But then again, what if it was and I just wanted to slurp it up all day? Looks like we all just learned a lesson about pre-judging someone.

Clair Robinson, 23, is lucky to be alive after contracting the killer bacteria following surgery at a regional hospital.

The shop assistant thought she had a fever and stomach ache until she was told the life-threatening condition was eating through her stomach muscles and body tissue.

“Being big saved my life,” she said.

“If I had have been smaller it would have eaten my organs and my insides. My kidneys and liver would have been eaten if I hadn’t have been big.

“Maybe fat people do have a good life after all.”

Yeah, maybe they do. It’s totally worth decades of wheezing around, finding it difficult to get up, having people regularly ask you about your performance in the movie Ghostbusters, and probably dying of a heart attack on the one in 400 billion chance that a flesh-eating bacteria finds its way to your delicious flesh. Well put, Woman-shaped-like-the-boulder-from-Indiana-Jones.

It’s kind of fun to imagine a bacteria just chomping away. I bet at first it was all like, “YAYYYY ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT” then it kept chomping and chomping and it’s like, “What the f, why am I not tasting organs?” And then it chomps and chomps and just feels bad about itself and what it’s doing in the world and, ultimately, dies of loneliness in the sweaty, musty folds of this sloppy mess. It’s tragic in a way.

Israeli airport security officers made an African American member of the New York-based Alvin Ailey dance troupe perform steps for them before letting him enter the country, the group said on Tuesday.

The group said airport officials had provided no explanation about the treatment of Abdur-Rahim Jackson, who has a Muslim father but is engaged to a fellow dancer who is Jewish with a large family in Israel.

Jackson was pulled aside from the rest of the troupe on arrival at Israel’s Ben Gurion airport and taken to a room where he was questioned by the security officers, said a spokesman for the group.

“They asked him who he was and what he does and also about his name. He showed them the group’s program with his picture and said he was a dancer,” the spokesman said.

“The officers then told him, ‘If you are a dancer, then dance’, so he showed them some dance moves.”

The spokesman said Jackson was no stranger to this kind behavior because he had been asked to do the same during a visit to the Dominican Republic.

Jackson had no problem with the questioning but was “deeply saddened” by the demand for him dance, said the spokesman.

That’s Abdur-Rahim Jackson pictured above. Based upon that appearance, he’s fortunate that all they made him do was dance. He’s fortunate he didn’t get coerced into deep throating a cock that smells like feta cheese (lolcuzpeoplefromthedesertsaredirty).

All this does is remind me of how I wish I had one of my previous lives back in the Old West. I’d have been a sheriff shooting at everyone’s feet and telling them to dance. Then one day, some stranger would have come into town and said he needed to clean it up because the law wasn’t doing its job. That hurt me, Tex. I have feelings too.

A Yemeni court on Tuesday granted a divorce to an eight-year-old girl whose unemployed father forced her into an arranged marriage this year, saying he feared she might be kidnapped.

“I am happy that I am divorced now. I will be able to go back to school,” Nojud Mohammed Ali said, after a public hearing in Sanaa’s court of first instance.

Nojud was a second grader in primary school when the marriage took place two and a half months ago.

“They asked me to sign the marriage contract and remain in my father’s house until I was 18. But a week after signing, my father and my mother forced me to go live with him.”

Nojud’s father, Mohammad Ali Al-Ahdal, said he had felt obliged to marry off his daughter, an act he claims she consented to.

He said he was frightened after his oldest daughter had been kidnapped several years ago and later married to her abductor. He said the same man then kidnapped another of his daughters who was already married and had four children, resulting in him being jailed.

When I was 8 years old, I was already playing high-stakes games of craps where the money was big, the lies were bigger and no one could be trusted. Especially Manuel, the mustachioed gentleman in the red vest who controlled the tables. He ruled with an iron fist (or “eye-ron feast” as he would see in his charmingly eloquent way). Long story short, I thought things were going to be great when he won me in a game. But there’s only so many times you can get a bottle of tequila thrown at you after you mess up an enchilada because your child forearms aren’t strong enough to flip the tortilla before you realize that love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Siiiiiigh.

I haven’t seen cupcakes dance like that since the great Cupcake Dance Party of 2003. Oh man did my cupcakes dance then, like they never had before. There was punch and a disco ball and the cupcakes danced the night away. Timmy Cupcakington was supposed to go with Debbie L’Batter but she ended up going with that stupid rich jock Josh Sprinkleworth. Sprinkleworth was the envy of all the boys but his arrogance was at an all-time high that night. Every cupcake in Cakely High wanted to go to the dance with Debbie. And she wanted to go with Timmy. But to be seen with a Sprinkleworth was truly a sign of your status.

Timmy killed himself that night. And by killed himself, I mean I ate him. There’s only so much time I can spend having a pretend cupcake dance and giving them elaborate backstories before I give into my carnal desires.

[Via BoingBoing and the beautiful and fantastic-smelling Caitlin]