Morbidly obese people in the UK are protesting today, saying that “fat-ism” is as serious a crime as discriminating due to race, religion, etc. And in between buffet breaks, they may have made a salient and tragic (but funny) point or two.

A demonstration was held outside the offices of the mayor of London asking him to lead the way in making sure employers are not prejudiced.

Protesters want the UK to follow San Francisco, where a law bans “fat-ism” in housing and employment and stops doctors pressing patients to slim down.

Sondra Solway, a San Francisco lawyer, said: “The San Francisco ordinance says you may want to mention weight to the patient but if the patient says they do not want to talk about that then you are asked to respect those wishes.”

Another campaigner, Marsha Coupe, said: “I have been punched, I have had beer thrown in my face, I have had people attack me on the train.

“They say ‘Move out of the way fatty! Well person coming down the aisle!’”

[BBC]

I don’t know how this story didn’t get a seven camera shoot from CNN since it’s arguably the greatest tragedy in years and it was actually real unlike a certain little kid and his fake balloon-related shenanigans. This is a fat teen and he can’t get out of a skate bowl in Spain.

That’s so traumatic that the kid can’t get out as about a hundred people gather and laugh at him. It could have been worse though. I mean, that’s hideously embarrassing, but at least he had people being patient and trying to help him. I’d have probably just laid a hamburger at the top of the ramp and hoped he’d somehow inspire himself. As the saying goes, “If you teach a fat man to fish, he’ll eat the whole ocean” or something similar yet less hurtful.

I’m sure this guy is really good at the Pokemon Card Game, though I have no clue at all what actual skill would be involved in slamming down a card with a cartoon turtle that shoots water drawn on it. But in his defense, it was probably a cakewalk to the championship against these two kids. I’ve never been around a little cousin or friend’s kid who has the attention span to do anything for more than 10 minutes…I imagine that slugging it out with a grown man in a card game might not be enough to keep these little ones engaged. Plus it’s a known fact that Pikachus gain extra power if you feed them pubic hairs. Advantage: Husky creep.

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I bet she was totally fine in spite of that fairly violent fall. The reason is that fat people have extra cushioning on their bodies that, while a hindrance in athletic conquests, makes them completely safe in high-impact collisions. But in spite of that fact and clear empirical evidence to back it up, if you suggest to a fat person that they serve as a crashpad for just ONE person leaping off of a building, they never let you live it down. Embrace the gifts God gave you, I say. Not everyone has blood made of Jello.

I have to admit, it kind of bummed me out when she started crying at the end. Usually I’m the one crying after getting mounted by a fat girl, so it’s perplexing to me to see the inverse represented on camera. It’s kind of cruel to film it though and put it up on YouTube for the world to see. Someone didn’t learn anything about being caring towards large mammals as illustrated in the film Free Willy.

I’m ashamed to admit though that I like to see the obese cry. Not because I want them to be sad, but because, hey, gotta get butter on this popcorn somehow.

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At first I thought a ghost had sneaked into the frame of the photo, but it turns out that some people are just that light colored. I forget sometimes that not everyone is flawlessly tanned and chiseled out of raw granite like I am. And it’s easy to forget since I so often spend time in front of mirrors, staring directly into my own eyes while pleasuring myself. What can I say, I’m titillating.

On the plus side though, she definitely picked the correct chick to stand to the side of. Wearing a dress at the beach is never a good sign. I bet lots of catty comments like, “Psh, those aren’t real” or “Yeah, I could be that fit if I were stupid and had no job, too” came out of that Lane Bryant fabric a few too many times that day.

[via, as seen on]

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t post this primarily due to my black-censor-bar fetish. It’s hard to recreate in life; you’d be surprised at how girls respond so poorly to my asking them to hold up a sheet of black construction paper over their genitals during sex. Me and the Japanese..way ahead of our time.

So why is it that when a fat guy gets naked it’s supposed to be funny? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I should be visibly aroused at a nude fat man despite his sweet, hairy rack (like a young Sophia Loren), but the simple act of a fat man disrobing shouldn’t be funny. Does this happen to fat guys when they get naked in regular settings? Like if you have to get your prostate checked, does the doctor immediately start guffawing before motorboating you and high-fiving his interns? Enlighten me, fat dudes.

I had to watch Twilight this weekend with my girlfriend who, shockingly, is not a high school aged fat girl in an ironic t-shirt or emo glasses, and I wasn’t in love with it. If I wanted to see a guy with make-up on poorly pretending to be in love with an obnoxious woman, I’d go home to see my dad and mom more often.

I’m sick of the romantic fantasies that these movies implant in young women’s stupid, delusional heads. No steely cold vampire is going to change his ways and rescue you from loneliness, girls. In fact, if a vampire did see you, he’d probably hop through a window like the one behind these two swine, bite their necks, and then f their faces until they both bled out. Or he’d wake up next to you after a night of drinking tainted blood and hiss like he’s seeing the sunlight after seeing you while sober. Either way, I’d be content.

She made history as the fattest ever mother of triplets, weighing in at 40 stone.

But far from ensuring her babies don’t go the same way she did, Leanne Salt is happy to admit feeding them junk food, including fish and chips and McDonald’s meals.

Yesterday the 24-year-old – still dangerously overweight at 30 stone – told of her approach to motherhood which doctors say is certain to leave them facing health problems.

‘They were six months old when they had their first McDonald’s,’ she said. ‘They had chicken nuggets and chips and loved it.

‘They like fish and chips too, but I take the batter off the fish, so I guess that’s healthy.’

Miss Salt’s immense weight meant the safe delivery of her triplets – daughters Deanna and Daisy, and son Finlee – last August was a major challenge for medics.

It took a 68-strong team and a bill for the NHS of £200,000, including a specially-built operating table for her Caesarean section.

Just for the record, 30 stone is about 420 pounds in our American weight and 68 people on the team in England equates to about 38 people here and five midgets. You realize how much effort that is? There have been wars that have been fought with less people. All to deliver more genetically inferior savages who’ll diabetes-it-up until they end up in an early grave too. Great usage of time and money and tubs of grease and reinforced steel and tongs designed for use with cows going into early labor and tarps to keep the floors clean of her “body gravy.”

Let’s just get these kids a spot on Maury and a shirt that’s entirely too small for their first birthday. The first words of the children being “I do wha I wan” doesn’t seem too far out of reach, now does it?

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This seems like a great time to push my “Let’s load fat girls into trucks and make them do the work of donkeys to stimulate the economy” plan, so I will. I think we should load fat girls into trucks, take them out to a field, and make them plow the Earth in order to justify their existence. Because this video is the most useful thing I’ve seen a fat girl do in like decades. Other than that time I had to cut one open and sleep inside her stomach to feel warm. But we don’t talk about that any more. It was a long, cold wait at the concession line at the Buffalo Bills’ game. You had to be there to truly understand the despair.

This is pretty accurate. If you’re an attractive girl obsessing over a little bit of fat somewhere or how your ass looks too big, you’re just being silly. Your man or any man will love you all the same. But if you’re a fat slob of a woman, that’s not a body image issue. Unless you want to count “every mirror looking like a funhouse” as image-related. In which case, thanks for that pun, fatty.

Fox is teaming with “The Bachelor” producer Mike Fleiss for a new dating-competition series that casts “average-looking” people.

The series, titled “More to Love,” is billed as the first “dating show for the rest of us,” throwing open its doors to overweight contestants.

“For six years it’s been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that’s not what the dating world looks like,” Fox president of alternative Mike Darnell said. “Why don’t real women — the women who watch these shows, for the most part — have a chance to find love too?”

“Most of the country isn’t a Size 2,” Fleiss said. “It’s the dating show for the rest of us.”

So here’s the problem. I see fat people EVERYFINGWHERE I GO. They’re taking up multiple seats on the train, meandering down the middle of a block making it impossible for me to get around, eating disgusting foods at fast food places across the country, taking their equally fat kids to buy video games so that they can make them grow up to be as fat as the rest of their family, and overall making the world a place with more gravitational pull. So WHY ON EARTH do we need another show to make fat people not only feel good about themselves, but encourage them to procreate with a similarly gelatinous person to make even more people with inferior genes? It’s socially irresponsible.

So to you FOX, I say you should get FCC sanctions. This is counter to everything TV (and especially reality TV) was founded on: Putting beautiful people into absurd situations. It’s not right, FOX. I expect better from the station that gave me Temptation Island. In fact, there’s a solution…FOX could put this show on the same set as that show and call it Fat Cunts Who Probably Have Diabetes and Vaginas That Smell Like Rotted Twinkies Island. While not as catchy, it definitely does a good job of conveying the subject matter and amount of creme filling.

[source]

Jessica Simpson’s still doing the country thing, which is evident not only in her wearing daisy dukes, but also in the fact that she’s apparently been grazing the fields to build her tractorlike physique. I mean seriously, she could probably work the fields for days without tiring, just so long as you trust her to not swallow the cows whole. That’s assuming she can tear herself away from masturbating to Thisiswhyourefat long enough to do some real work.

Also, to anyone about to leave a comment about how she’s not fat, save it. Her f’ing corset looks like it’s going to bust apart and send pieces of shrapnel into the already-tortured eyes of anyone nearby. Yeah, keep emphasizing the big boobs with your wardrobe choices and hopefully no one will notice that you’re literally busting apart at the seams like one of the Three Little Pigs’ houses filled by a hose dispersing marshmallows.

[Editor's Note: I'm keeping the Girls I Would Copulate With tag on for now, but we're getting DANGEROUSLY CLOSE to it being revoked, Simpson. Watch your ass. All of it. You may need a panoramic lens.]

Paul James, 32, said he wants to understand his fat gym clients.

Paul, who has strutted his stuff on catwalks in Tokyo and Milan, is stuffing his face with kebabs, pasta, cream sauces and chocolate in a calorific carbohydrate diet.

The Aussie has cut out daily exercise in Melbourne — and the former teetotaller even drinks beers nightly.

Paul said: “It was difficult to relate to overweight gym members so I’m experiencing life as an overweight person.”

[source (with pics of the guy and his weight gain)]

A group of investors and Italian inventors have handpicked a long-time Indianapolis bakery to help bring to the U.S. a newfangled food called Pizza Cone.

Pizza Cone is exactly what it sounds like: A cone made of pizza dough stuffed with ingredients like cheese, pepperoni and pizza sauce and then eaten on the go like an ice cream cone.

Taylor’s Bakery, founded in 1913, has signed an agreement with Hilton Head, S.C.-based Pino Gelato to be the sole producer of the cone for all of North America.

The equipment arrived at Taylor’s a few weeks ago and production is set to begin in a month.

“Everyone thinks it’s going to be the next hula hoop,” said John Allen, who runs Taylor’s along with his two sons, Matt and Drew. “It’s been very secretive and under the radar.”

Who is this “EVERYONE,” John Allen? What fat diabetic man with an eye for trends wired your house with a speaker and pretended that he was a higher power telling you that it was your divine mission to provide America with a f’ing pizza that you can eat on the go? And theoretically a slice and a half worth of pizza to go isn’t bad, but you know it won’t stop there. The cones will eventually end up the size of a roadside cone and we’ll all eat them vigorously while hating ourselves the entire time. It’s kind of ridiculous that with people poorer than ever, for the most part, we’re eating like we’re decadent hedonists being fanned by manservants. But on the plus side, PIZZA…IN A CONE! BUY BUY BUY HULA HOOP BUY BUY.

It also seems appropriate to throw in this SNL bit “Taco Town” here. We’re not that far, people. Whether that’s good or bad depends on whether you have fat covering your genitals like a Muslim woman, I suppose.

[source]

Jessica Simpson was forced to appear in public to present the nominees and hiding behind the podium worked about as well for her as King Kong hiding behind the Empire State building. She looks really big and happy which is awesome for her but terrible for me because I’d like to f a fat Jessica Simpson about as much as I’d like to rub a cheese grater on my balls. I guess I’d still do her out of a sense of obligation to old Jessica Simpson, but fantasizing about her being an old version of herself while boning her would probably be the first time a man has fantasized about the woman he’s f’ing while in the actual act. And it’d open up some sort of time travel portal or wormhole. Which would just be awkward because I’d get sucked through and then she’d just get stuck in the hole and I’d have to rub butter on her and she’d just keep licking it off while I get frustrated. God my fantasies suck.

I love when “celebrities” no one gives a crap about claim they just want their privacy. You know how Raven Symone could get paparazzi to leave her alone? By being Raven Symone. Which is pretty much the same way she gets elliptical machines, gyms, and proper diet to leave her alone. I mean seriously you’re like in your early 20s and you’re still acting fairly regularly, can’t you do a f’ing sit-up so you look slightly less like an elephant seal?

Then again, I guess that explains why she wants paparazzi to stop photographing her. She’s in dozens of photos just because she can’t be avoided, like a flash or the horizon. You could probably take a Myspace photo of yourself in a mirror and part of her bacon-scented flab would find itself sauntering up behind you like when you shove Playdoh through a plastic shape.

Now I’m not a fat guy so I can’t say I relate completely to the Fat Man’s Plight, but here’s a pro-tip: Instead of wearing shirts that advertise how no one could possibly want you without drinking a vat of turpentine (whether ironic or not), maybe dress in a way that makes you look put together instead of the Battletoads-playing, cheese arm-pitted slob that you are. Or you could join a gym and stop eating fried ass.

Though I guess just date-raping drunk girls is a viable alternative. At least it shows some sense of being a go-getter. Jerking off into a Jar Jar Binks thermos while watching Olivia Munn on G4…not so much.

I’ve never really been in the camp that believes that you should hook up with needy fat girls because they’ll “do more”, probably because I’ve been firmly in the camp that would prefer not to find a decomposing cheeseburger on a girl during an intimate love-making session.

The only reason I would date a fat girl is if I knew I’d be getting into a plane crash soon. I assume her veal-like existence would make her nice and tender and delicious when we inevitably ended up resorting to cannibalism. But I bet it’d be kind of awkward when they go to rescue me from the crash like 12 hours later and I’m already eating a Bulbous Becky buffet. Whatever man. You haven’t been in my shoes.

Wendy Whitaker, 29, has been on Georgia’s sex offender list for more than 12 years. Her crime? She performed oral sex on a high school classmate just after turning 17. The boy was just shy of his 16th birthday. Both were sophomores. Whitaker is now suing, claiming that given her crime, her sex offender status is cruel and unusual punishment.

After the international uproar associated with the Genarlow Wilson case (Wilson, you’ll remember, was convicted of a similar crime—having consensual oral sex with a 15-year-old while he was 17), Georgia’s legislature clarified state law to prevent these sorts of cases—what Whitaker did 12 years ago is no longer a crime in Georgia. But because some Georgia lawmakers stubbornly wanted to keep Wilson in jail, the legislature took a separate vote to keep the law from applying retroactively. Wilson and Whitaker are still convicted felons. Whitaker’s suit cites the Georgia Supreme Court’s ruling in Wilson’s case, which found that Wilson’s 10-year sentence and mandatory sex offender status amounted to cruel and unusual punishment.

Whitaker is also involved in a second lawsuit—this one to keep her house. In 2006, she and her husband scoped out neighborhood surrounding the Harlem, Georgia home they eventually purchased to be sure they were in compliance with Georgia’s sex offender law at the time. That law prohibited offenders from living within 1,000 feet of any area where children congregate. Despite their efforts, local authorities ordered Whitaker and her husband to vacate shortly after they moved in. They had overlooked a nearby church, which was running an unadvertised daycare service.

Yeah sure, this SOUNDED like a great story and one that warranted my support of the poor blowjob giver. But then I found this picture of her and, well, I completely am in favor of punishing this sexual predator to the fullest extent of the law. She shouldn’t have a home, a family, or the Hostess snack cakes she apparently takes three times daily as though they were vitamins. I’m not a very political person, but one cause I’ve always taken up is less rights for the fat and ugly. Because it’s fine if you’re one. But if you’re both, we have a serious problem and you should probably be stop mixing your awful DNA into our gene pool.

Also, what a sex offender name “Wendy” is. If I had to bet on any name being the most common female sex offender name, it’d be Wendy. It just says “I’m going to diddle underaged boys and give them little race cars not to talk” to me.

[source]