I started out this column with the idea that fetishism is an overwhelmingly male phenomenon, and I wanted to think about why.

First, of course, I needed to verify that this is even true. All of the work I’ve read about fetishism has been primarily about men (go figure), so I tried searching online for statistics concerning the gender breakdown of fetishism. Unfortunately, every such combination of words I could think to type into Google inevitably linked me to a shocking (then again, probably not shocking) number of so called “femdom” and “male slave” porn Web sites.

Not exactly what you would call an “authoritative” (get it?) source, let alone how I would choose to spend my Sunday afternoon.

In any case, I can at least say with certainty that the research on fetishism supports the idea that it is characteristic of male desire in particular, since information about female fetishism is quite scarce. Perhaps this is because of an admitted bias towards male perspectives in psychology. Or perhaps it’s because men really are just horny bastards. Probably a little bit of both.

In terms of cultural perception, which is not something to be taken lightly where sexual cues and turn-ons are concerned, the logic of fetishism does seem to be associated with logics of masculinity in some form that asks for our attention.

In other words, I want to think about the way that masculinity itself is fetishistic.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), an authority on such matters, defines fetish as the use of nonliving objects for sexual arousal, stimulation, or satisfaction. Fetishists find themselves to be almost exclusively aroused by a particular object (such as high heels or rubber, for example), body part (hands, hair, etc.) or situation (doctor’s offices, urination) that is not essentially, in and of itself, designed for sexual gratification.

In most cases, the presence of the fetish object is a prerequisite for sexual satisfaction; in other words, it’s impossible for a fetishist to get his rocks off at all unless there is a woman’s stocking, for example, somewhere in the picture. So before you start getting antsy about those visits to naughtynannies.com, remember that a fetish is a serious mental disorder characterized by prolonged (more than six months, according to the DSM) and intense fixation or obsession that has begun to interfere with one’s health, general well-being, or other areas of personal life.

It’s not the kinks themselves that are at issue, since it is perfectly normal for one’s sexual interests to vary over a range of diverse pursuits. The diagnosis of fetishism draws a qualitative distinction between this variation in “normal,” healthy sexual adults and the fetishist’s very particular fixation on a singular object. It is this intense specificity that defines fetishism as a mental health concern.

It seems to me, however, that the logic organizing fetishism as the adoption of a nonliving, subsidiary object can also be understood as a matter of degree. The isolation of and preoccupation with a nonessential sexual object articulates something about how male desire works in particular. Men seem to have a general propensity for this kind of behavior, which the extreme case of the fetishist demonstrates more clearly. The difference is that the fetishist has somehow gotten tripped up or stuck in one mechanism of the larger structure of masculine desire.

So what is it about this larger structure in masculinity that it fetishistic?

As funny as this might sound at first, Freud understood the fetish object as the real life embodiment of the mother’s penis. Yes, you read that right.

The point is exactly that, of course, your mother does not have nor did she ever have a penis. The mother’s penis is a metaphor for something that is, by its contradictory definition, always lacking in sexual desire. You can think about the fetish object as a copy that has no original, a copy of a copy (of a copy, of a copy, of a copy…), the tenuous and precarious manifestation of something that does not exist. It is precisely because the mother’s penis does not exist that the fetishist focuses his desire on it so intensely, producing a substitute object in the place of what is fundamentally lacking in the sexual relation.

This is also why men are known for compulsively seeking out more and more sexual partners, unable to be satisfied with any one absolute, ideal object. Each new conquest seems to promise ultimate fulfillment of the ideal, before it eventually loses its luster, which, in turn, leads to the pursuit of yet another object. The problem is not with the object, but with the pursuer, and with the incompleteness and inadequacy of any one real sexual encounter. Something is forever missing.

The strangeness, the nonessential quality of the fetish object makes this point. If sex itself is never enough, the fetish is the introduction of something “outside” sex, an attempt to locate, define, and apprehend what one always finds inadequate or missing in sex. If a woman herself is not enough, maybe her leather corset is.

Women experience this lack in sexuality as well, although they respond to it in other ways that we could consider in another article. The fetish is an indicatively male response to this problem, the desire to make real and concrete what is never enough about and in his desire.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Shockingly enough, steamy-hot sex doesn’t cut it for everyone. For some, fulfilling a fetish adds that necessary spark in the sack. Where fetishes stem from, no one’s exactly sure, but we’re getting all Freudian to determine what the freaky stuff that turns you on says about your past — and how to express some fetishes without maxing out your credit card on a phone sex operator.

7 Feet
A common fetish, getting hot and bothered by feet means you probably weren’t picked up much as a baby, leaving your little drooling face in constant confrontation with people’s piggies. This, and/or your mom made you give her corned feet a rub, and maybe even a manicure, regularly during your elementary school career. Embrace this fetish for the horrifyingly ugly body part that is a foot by securing a part-time job at a shoe store. We also hear there’s a great foot fetish party in New York’s Financial District (surprise, surprise).

6 Smoking
If the thought of someone sucking on a Camel makes you crazy, don’t think too hard about the source of this fetish — flash back to the time when your great aunt Ruth gave you a bath with a Virginia Slim sticking out of the corner of her mouth. Explains why you like that husky, scratchy smoker’s voice too. Sexy. Watch episodes of Mad Men in place of porn, and find that special someone at your local Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. We don’t have to tell you to always keep a lighter on hand, just in case someone needs it (just try not to stare).

5 Balloons
They’re big, bright, and kind of annoying, but balloons drive you wild. That squeaking sound they make when rubbed — it’s like a million women moaning at your touch. Speaking of touched, did you happen to repress any birthday parties you attended as a child? How do you feel about clowns? Clown suits? We’re just curious. Stay after every get together from here on out and offer to clean up (a.k.a. watch others fondle and pop your favorite sort of latex). Think ahead by bringing a batch of balloons to parties — everyone will mistake your perviness for kindness.

4 Giant Women
Amazon women are your dream women. The bigger, the better. That part in Alice in Wonderland — where she grows and is practically wearing the house she was in—makes you hot. You must’ve been a wee one when your sexual fixation began, looking up at the big, sexy world. Unfortunately, you might not be able to live your wildest fantasies out — the tallest woman in Guinness was 7’ 7’’, which is miniscule compared to what you’re looking for, and she recently passed away. Bummer. Photoshop pictures of you in the palms of your favorite celebs, print out, and enjoy.

3 Robots
Your girlfriend perfected her best robot voice, and you called her your Sexbot. You’ve watched the Femme-Bot scene in Austin Powers so many times the DVD no longer works right. Your childhood was spent having too much fun playing with your Omnibot 2000, watching Star Wars, and dreaming up ways technology will be advanced to “serve” you. You’ve been saving up for a humanoid robot straight out of Japan, but in the meantime attend comic book conventions (which we all know are geek orgies, anyways).

2 Snot, Squashing Bugs, and Other Nasty Things
What’s sick to some is lust-worthy to you: a foot stepping on a bug, glorious mucus dripping from noses and being blown all over your face. Your years as a young thing most likely involved an odd combination of older brothers or neighborhood bullies and an inability to develop distaste for the stuff that makes others nauseous. Think of this fetish as a teenage-boy form of S&M. With a whole bug-squashing adult film category, we’re certain there’s someone out there for you.

1 Adult Diapers, Large Cribs, Etc.
If you’ve Googled “Adult Babies,” you will most likely fit this category. We’re sorry to say you that if you’re into this sort of thing, you’ve probably had no childhood at all. In fact, you were probably born as a little man wearing a suit, a tie, a comb over, and a lack of imagination. This fetish developed as a way to relive the lost years of shitting your own pants and babbling like a drunken idiot. That’s cool if you’re into bland individuals going home, donning a diaper and bonnet, and sitting in an over-sized crib — we guess — but we can’t really direct you to a source for where to go to embrace this particular fetish. Good luck.

One St. Petersburg area homeless man spoke to a local CBS affiliate claiming that he was paid $50 for services rendered. Those services? “[They p]ut me up in a tree and [a hot girl] whipped me with a whip…they kicked the crap out of me.”

The site claims to offer “semi-competitive and competitive wrestling, MMA, and kickboxing sessions [captured on video], as well as beatdowns (which we really love!)”.

A judge ordered the SheFights Web site manager, Jeffrey Williams, not to take down SheFights or alter the videos in any way so that the evidence could be preserved for trial.

Williams told CBS affiliate WTSP that he will be vindicated in any trial.

On the one hand, I can’t exactly condone pulling a real life version of “American Psycho” on the homeless, only with hot chicks in the place of Patrick Bateman with an Internet audience of some sketchy dudes masturbating creepily all the way. But on the other hand, if they paid the homeless guys, had them sign a waiver, and they agreed, is there anything legally wrong with that? Just because some people like really sick things and there are people in a crappy enough situation to take part doesn’t mean that it needs to no longer exist.

If anything, I’m much less perturbed by this real life pseudo-S&M than I am by stuff like a crush fetish, which consists of people into watching attractive women crush things ranging from fruit to small animals. Last I checked, a hamster never agreed to those videos because he refused to go to rehab for his crippling addictions. Lemmiwinks>Bad decision-making hobos.

Homeless were paid $50 to be beaten by women for fetish video, says lawsuit [CBS News]

What’s most horrifying to me about this is that A) Odds are that someone is vigorously masturbating to this right now, B) The fox’s gradual removal of clothing, C) That bicycle seat probably smells most unpleasant, and D) I’m 99% sure that fox is actually a man. Now I’m not saying “B”, “C” or “D” should stop you from completing “A”, but I’d prefer not to think about it. Please keep my fetishized fox costumes more wholesome, thanks.

Girl Fox Rides Bicycle [Viral Viral Videos]

You can check out even more videos here or this breast expansion playlist on YouTube. Enjoy wasting the next ten minutes of your life but learning a whole lot about buoyancy.

The 24-year-old [Danielle Vincely] says her sexual claustrophobia ruins her love life as partners soon get tired of her adventurous sex demands on beaches and parks.

“Guys love it at first. They think it’s kinky making love under the stars in the woods, on beaches, park benches and car bonnets,” News of the World quoted her as saying.

“But after a while they get annoyed, especially if it’s raining, and dump me. Men like a quick romp inside on the bed but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Danielle has been suffering from the problem since the first time she had sex at 18, indoors with her first beau.

“Every time we tried was a disaster, until one day we had a drunken cuddle in the park and suddenly I felt amazing. I’d never had an orgasm before and the feeling of climaxing around Mother Nature was out of this world,” she added.

We’re all adults here…I’m sure most of you have engaged in adult relations outdoors. And she’s right, it is exciting at first. Well, it’s exciting in concept. It’s less exciting when you’re trying to get it on in a forest and you have branches in your back as Yogi Bear and Boo Boo watch and beat off. That’s the great con of outdoor sex. You expect a voyeuristic fantasy and instead end up with a chest cold and a sea turtle in your rectum.

Anyway, even if she were gorgeous (I can’t find a photo to support or deny this claim), I’d probably get a bit tired of her after a week or two. I can barely muster up the courage to put on condoms after a certain point of a relationship, fat chance at me putting on a poncho and wading boots in inclement weather.

The woman who can only have sex in open air! [Times of India]

Oh, and the Barbies are anatomically correct. Just in case you weren’t perturbed enough.

So, look, if you want to dress up like Tails from Sonic the Hedgehog and bend over a gal dressed like a squirrel, by all means. But when we’re involving dolls, come on. There has never been a productive person of society who, when you walk into their apartment, you encounter action figures having sex. You don’t see GI Joe with a rod on a CEO’s desk too often.

Barbie Furries [Buzzfeed]
TWO BARBIES LEARNING THE FOX TROT, one of a Kind by LaVonne Sallee’ [Etsy]

Some of the YouTube comments on the video speculate that the girl’s got some sort of “Feeder” fetish, in which she’s getting off on seeing her body swell up. There’s also a lot of comments from creeps who’d like to bone her now, including one guy who claims that the video shows a “Very nice gain, it puts on at the right spots on You!” I can only assume that this man is merely attempting viral marketing for his new belt-extender company.

I don’t really get how this would qualify as a fetish for men though. I guess I can abstractly understand why guys dig really fat girls with the old “more cushion for the pushing” adage. But I’m not sure what you get out of a girl who’s fat only on her stomach, like she’s pregnant but with the gift of delicious fried foods inside of her instead of the gift of life. The only reason I could imagine wanting to be with this girl is if there were a large snowstorm that might hit during my flight to the Andes. It’s important to plan ahead for your impromptu cannibalism.

Why would anyone gain weight on purpose?! [The Internet Is Terrible]

There are dozens more Slutty Pikachus at Unreality.

My main question is this…how does one get so far removed from conventional sexuality? Like do you happen to start masturbating, then you drop your remote and find yourself on an old episode of Pokemon and go, “YEAH I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE TURNED ON”? Or do you see Pikachu and think “Well, that’s cute, but it’d be sexy if you slapped some booty shorts and big yellow boobs on it.” I’ve never jerked off to a fictional battle monster, so I’m genuinely curious. Though, ironically, I am often referred to as Squirtle in some circles. Probably for unrelated reasons.

A security guard accidentally suffocated himself in an autoerotic accident, an inquest heard.

Ralph Santiago, 31, was found dead in the men’s toilets of the building he worked wearing Wellington boots, a wetsuit and gas mask.

His body was found by a colleague at about 7am on Tuesday, July 22, last year, lying on the floor with a gas canister nearby.

Further rubber/latex outfits were found in Mr Santiago’s car and in the ladies’ toilets of his workplace at Aquis House in Blagrave Street, Reading.

Mr Courtenay visited the staff bathroom and discovered the men’s toilet was locked. He went upstairs to get a key, when he opened the door he found a body.

However, he was not certain it was Mr Santiago because only his eyes were visible under the mask.

Paramedics and the police were called. In a statement, PC Barbara Cummings described Mr Santiago as wearing “a black latex suit, gloves, a gas mask and Wellingtons.”

Mr Santiago’s girlfriend Hannele Vaher did not attend the inquest but had previously explained “he had fetishes”, of which she did not take part.

She said he was “prone to dressing up” and adding that he took poppers.

I get that sexual deviance like this is probably not something you have a lot of control over, but man I’m finding it hard to relate to this dude. I think we’ve all had the impulse to j.o. at work, perhaps while looking at that saucy secretary or naughty CEO (mmm tell me more about fiscal solvency and making cutbacks to avoid layoffs) but actually taking the jump to doing it is a pretty unhealthy thing to do. I could only imagine that choking yourself out in a gas mask in the men’s room would make that even more difficult (and somehow even creepier). In fact, you’d be hard-pressed to find a creepier way to jerk off, unless you worked at a school for retarded kids and had a penchant for making them yell gibberish while you fist yourself. Yeah. That’d probably do it.

[source]

I’m all for people doing whatever works for them so long as it doesn’t endanger the lives of others. Unless they’re homeless people. I’ve been pretty ardent in my “pro-murdering-homeless-to-get-off” stance. So long as you give them a cheeseburger and a handle of vodka beforehand, your conscience should be clean. I mean seriously, it’s not like he was going to win the Nobel Prize. Unless they’re awarding a new Nobel Prize for crapting your pants and yelling that the spacemen are invading your brain. In which case, man, has the Nobel board really lowered their standards in award giving.

A young man from Cypress is set to be charged Friday with 13 felonies for what authorities say was an elaborate scheme in which he would obtain the personal information of unsuspecting young women through Facebook, then send them packages using assumed identities.

The women would receive an e-mail with a tracking number for a package from an “Art Shaw” of Aramark Corp. When they opened the package, they would find blank notepaper and envelopes, and sometimes, markers. Sharpie markers, according to police.

Police allege Arpan Harshad Shah, 26, used aliases, false e-mail addresses, drop locations and stolen corporate FedEx account numbers to hide the fact that he was the one sending the women packages.

When police served the search warrant, they found FedEx receipts from the three companies, Facebook records, notepads, envelopes and Sharpie markers. The Sharpies came in various colors.

Yes, this guy went through all this trouble and the possibility of several years of jail time on a felony for…sending girls paper and markers. I’m sure it’s some creepy fetish in which he’s like “Yeahhhhh, you take those markers you dirty little whore” but it just seems kind of pointless. What would he think they’re doing with the markers? As far as I know, when women receive a mysterious package, they don’t just immediately shove it into intimate areas. All I’m saying is if you want to be a creep, maybe you need to commit all the way and go with the classics…pictures of yourself in compromising positions, used tissues, crotchless panties. They’re classics for a reason.

[source]

It’s important to be nice and loose and limber before reading. What with all the vital leg movements you must do.

The commenter on this video who says “Intelligence fetish” is so right. She has HUUUUGE brains. Nice and full, round. Man, I’d love to just smush her brains together and ride them hard. It’d be just like the time I helped clean up Dealey Plaza.

Oh girl, don’t you know that with your pleated skirt, it will pop up and expose your derrière! My oh my, women…no foresight.

This video just kind of creeps me out. Yes the girl is well-endowed, but it looks like it was shot in the home of a recently deceased grandmother. And I’ll be damned if I get aroused by a recently deceased grandmother again, that’s for sure.

Maybe they should change the “Reading is fundamental” campaign to “Reeeading iiiiiis fuuuuundajerkofftothenwistfullycleanyourselfupwhenyou
realizeyoujustjerkedofftoclothedwomenreadingbooks.” Might be a bit wordy.

The L.A. Times is reporting that Alex Kozinski, chief judge of the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, who is currently presiding over an obscenity trial in Los Angeles, has maintained a publicly accessible Web site featuring sexually explicit photos and videos.

Kozinski, 57, acknowledged in an interview with the LAT that he had posted the materials, which included a photo of a naked women on all fours painted to look like cows and a video of a half-dressed man cavorting with a sexually aroused farm animal. Some of the material was inappropriate, he conceded, although he defended other sexually explicit content as “funny.”

He said that he thought the site was for his private storage and that he was not aware the images could be seen by the public, although he also said he had shared some material on the site with friends. After the interview Tuesday evening, Kozinski, who pointed out that he never used appeals court computers to maintain the Web site, blocked public access to the site.

Asked whether the contents of his site should prompt him to step aside from the pending obscenity trial, Kozinski declined to comment. Opening statements in the trial were scheduled for this morning. In the case, Ira Isaacs, a filmmaker based in Los Angeles, is accused of distributing criminally obscene sexual-fetish videos depicting bestiality and defecation.

Kozinski told the LAT he would delete some material from his site, including the photo depicting women as cows, which he said was “degrading . . . and just gross.” He also said he planned to get rid of a graphic step-by-step pictorial in which a woman is seen shaving her pubic hair.

The post on the WSJ says that this brings up issues of partiality, which are central to the public’s interests as well as our..what the f photos of women painted like cows? Seriously? Did he also try to milk them? I mean, if you’re going to paint a bitch like a cow, I think it’s your civic duty to squeeze her supple bosoms as though they were udders. OOH or perhaps you can somehow rig a device that would squeeze fresh milk from her fake udders and you can drink it! ORRRR rub it all over your body and touch yourself! Man, I should have made fetish videos! Well, MORE fetish videos. With bigger budgets. I’m sorry film companies, but sending me to a barn with a cell phone camera and a couple of Cialis is NOT going to suffice ANY LONGER!