Theodore Roosevelt would be so proud. When he first came up with his phrase, “Speak softly and carry a big stick,” the initial draft included a second part of the sentence, “And beat poor people with it.” Unfortunately, his political team shot it down during the brainstorming session.

Glad to see his actual ideals still live on in the form of a bus boy at an Indian beach restaurant…precisely where Roosevelt would have wanted it.

Allegedly, the fight began when the slim gentleman slapped the big and beautiful gal whom I’d never cross, leading to her reaction.

Either way, they’re all a little too proud of themselves. I’m really glad that this beast of a woman stood up for herself — no woman should get slapped — but let’s not act like you’re striking a chord for women’s rights when your morbid obesity allows you to pin down a frail guy with a gangsta complex. And this guy is no better…hitting a chick, then threatening her by saying, “I’ll call my brother!” What are you, a five year old? It’d be a bigger threat to this woman to say you’re going to go to Washington D.C. and become a lobbyist against trans fat.

There are no winners here.

The Most Emasculating Fight in The History of Man [BroBible]

Not even trying to be racist, but at the beginning, I was so excited to be like, “Here we go, a cat fight video with no black girls!” Only to have that light-skinned black girl in the pink dress come flying across the screen to get the altercation going. So much racial progress eroded in one minute of hair-pulling. One day, girls. One day.

You know this video felt like to me? Every scene in a movie or TV show where someone ends up getting too drunk or high at a party and then ends up sliding down a slippery slope of trauma in their life. Then they threw in that enormously fat girl swinging her undoubtedly-diabetic arm to hit another girl with her purse up against the wall and I felt like that was mashed up with footage of When Animals Attack. Point being: This was an emotional roller coaster New Orleans hasn’t experienced since the levies fell.

Watch as one fan waits for a guy to turn his back before delivering a vicious blow to the back of the head.

I’m horrified. I guess you can’t be shocked when something like this happens in a dodgy area of Baltimore. We all saw The Wire so I think we all completely understand the intricate workings of ghetto life in that region. But cheapshotting a girl like that? No class.

Plus, to do it in front of a place with a neon sign declaring that you can get waxed without an appointment is just low. Locations in which women get their genitals painfully stripped of all hairs for our enjoyment should be places for celebration, not violence.

A tragic day in American history. Photo Credit: LA Times

According to one witness [UPDATE: And the video from TMZ, below], the two women harassing the man in the Spongebob costume were tourists.

There have been many incidents involving unlicensed characters posing for pictures in the Grauman’s Chinese area as well as Times Square, specifically related to the characters charing for photographs with them. Los Angeles allows the street characters to accept tips but not to demand a fee for a picture with them.

Here’s the TMZ video:

Honestly, I feel bad for the Spongebob guy (and am a bit ashamed that this girl was wearing a USC sweatshirt during the altercation…that is not a sterling example of our Trojan family). Not only does he have to stand in a smelly, disgusting suit all day to pose for pictures and make joyous body language for the amusement of tourists, he also has to probably put up with stuff like this all the time. I don’t blame him for getting a little feisty with these obnoxious women yelling at him to take off the costume for no particular reason. Spongebob has rights, too. He may not have a high school diploma, any marketable skills, or even the ability to make a decent Krabby Patty, but he has rights.

RIP Childhood of the Day [The Daily What]

Surely this occurred sometime in the first half when the Vikings had the Chargers on the ropes. That’s the only explanation as the man in the #31 jersey is so caught up talking smack that he doesn’t realize his friend took a wicked left hook to the chops.

By the way, Ms. Adrian Peterson, nice legs.

The description from YouTube uploader “sewerzdarapper” also made me laugh quite a bit,

i waz smokin a blunt and this shit popped off

I think we can all relate.

Either way, I get that a lot of the drivers behind this parentally-and-socially misguided altercation have places to go, but how do you drive away from this? I’d be more inclined to run into a local store and get popcorn than I would be to go, “Well, I’d love to see more of this societal failure, but I’ve got places to be!” There could be an appointment at the 2011 Awesomely Sloppy Blow Job Festival waiting for me and I’d be inclined to just watch these stupid girls and see where the day takes me.

Backing the disabled dude is clearly the “feel-good” selection here. I’m not exactly enamored with the drunk bum’s abilities in executing on a fight game plan, but his mobility advantage seems tough.

Either way, I’d really be rooting for the disabled guy. Rarely are there times that I can cheer for someone to shove an object in another person’s rectum without bad feelings. Have you tried masturbating to the “ass to ass” scene in Requiem for a Dream? It’s no easy feat, I’ll tell you that.

That was a fairly intense situation.

For the record, the moment that happens with the black girl violently beating that pretty little blonde girl at about 0:29 is EXACTLY what would have happened if Bring It On! happened in real life. Sure, we’d like to think our racial differences can be solved with strategic usage of splits and basket catches, but odds are they’d end up in one beautiful, overmatched explosion of punches to a white girl’s face and chest. Racial harmony, y’all.

People have complained before that many of the street fight videos we feature have black girls as the participants, so I’m glad that I’m able to stake a claim for racial equality. Me and William Kuntsler, getting things done.

You have to salute a fight that ends with one girl’s panties around her ankles though. If there’s not a chance of getting gonorrhea in a fight, I don’t want any part of it.

I do enjoy the abject terror the guy filming this seems to have. Clearly he knows he’s recording gold but he’s terrified that this aborigine is going to see him filming her, then turn her aggressive requests for oral stimulation-based dominance on him.

Either way, if someone’s insults being hurled at me were as delightfully rhythmic and illogical, I think I’d have to just laugh it off. The fact that this lady is build like one of the Wild Samoans doesn’t hurt that approach either.

According to the YouTube uploader, the fight began when one of the guys grabbed some girl’s butt. But then the uploader also calls the two people fighting “a gay couple”. So I’d say there are some mixed up stories going on here.

Either way, my favorite part of the video comes at 0:55 when one of the husky girls trying to break up the fight accidentally gets sent flying about 10 feet backwards. The drama of fights is definitely amplified when you have fat girls flying around like the dozens of Agent Smiths trying to gang tackle Keanu Reeves in the second Matrix movie.

In case you couldn’t hear it, the guy doling out the beating took off his shirt and said dramatically, “You know what, have that for your memory.” That was his big line, said in such a way that he thought, “Not only did I establish my physical dominance, but now I will show my superior wit,” only to be met with utter silence.

Other notes: When wearing a white shirt, try not to get your blood splashed all over it. There are few looks that show you hitting rock bottom in life quite as effectively as that one unless you’re Dexter or someone really committed to menstrualingus.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Sporting events can be an unbelievable experience. A mixture of beers, tears and jeers can turn a regular Saturday into a memory that will last a lifetime. But it’s not all fun and games when you get off the couch and go see a game in person. Recently I went to a Celtics game for example, and the lady sitting next to me was one of the most obnoxious human beings on the face of the earth. Sitting with what I assume was her parole officer, this woman ruined what would have otherwise been a great game. Which leads me to my first example of things that can destroy a sporting experience…

7 WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
I swear to you, at one point the woman sitting next to me yelled “woooooooooo” 25 times in 30 seconds… and it was during a TV time-out. That is not an exaggeration. I understand that when the Jumbotron asks you to make some noise that you should heed it’s advice, but just screaming willy-nilly like a tone-deaf moron for no reason whatsoever just makes you an obnoxious idiot. I don’t mind people yelling obscenities or screaming a good joke down from the rafters, but seriously, if you’re just going to scream for 2 straight hours, stay home or go be a carnival barker somewhere else.

6 Beer is ridiculously expensive
At most stadiums, beer prices are tend to hover around the $7 range and that’s probably the low end of the spectrum. You could buy a six pack for that price. It’s just a huge rip-off! I know that stadiums need to make money, but I’ve seen $12 beers before and that’s simply a slap in the face to your fans. I’m calling shenanigans! Cut payroll for garbage players or find another way to make a few bucks without taking it out on your fan base. I gotta pay $15 for parking, then $36 bucks to get a buzz going? And all so Eddy Curry can install an ice cream maker in his Maserati.

5 Fights
I understand fanaticism/and I’m all for it. Sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants — those that don’t get what the heart wants often let their fists try and heal the pain of heartbreak. Every Dodger game I ever went to I saw a fight. People always hate on L.A. fans because they leave early, but the reason they do is that murder rates go up 50% after the 7th inning. Fans want to go out and have a good time and leave their troubles at home. And nobody should have to worry about their kids accidentally getting caught in the middle of a brawl that breaks out between opposing fans. This is supposed to be a fun day out with friends, not a damn Fight Club.

4 People who bring signs
Glad you took the time and effort to state so eloquently the reasons you think Duke players felate goats, but I paid good money for these seats and I want to see the game, not some goofy anagram for ESPN. Sweetheart, I highly doubt J.J. Redick is not going to see your sign and decide to marry you on the spot, so please put your sign down during the middle of the game so everyone behind you can watch Dwight Howard dominate the paint.

3 Thunder sticks
I don’t know who invented them but I know he had to be deaf. If I wanted to hear crap banging together for two hours I’d have bought tickets for “Stomp!” These things aren’t too bad when you have a section of people with them, but leave it to the one uber-drunk guy that thinks he’s Keith Moon to try and wail out an entire Van Halen album while everyone else is trying to concentrate on the game. For the love of all that is holy, if you have these things, please try and use them in moderation.

2 The guy on his cell phone the whole time
Really? You came to a sporting event and you’re gonna sit there on your Blackberry and gab to your buddy at home the whole time? I thought the television had play-by-play announcers that gave people watching at home the details of the game? Other folks don’t want to hear the details of your back surgery while rooting for the inevitable Albert Pujols home run. We are all here together, so lets all root here together and leave the cell phone recap for the ride home.

1 Traffic
If you gotta park at the stadium then you gotta wait in traffic. And wait. And wait. It’s an unavoidable part of the process, but that doesn’t make it suck any less. Nothing is worse than knowing you have to leave a game in progress to beat the other 50,000 people to the freeway. It sounds petty, but along with how expensive everything is and the time and effort it can take to go see a game, it’s sometimes just better to buy a nice TV and enjoy the action at home. And when 3-D televisions hit the market–get out of here. No seriously, get out of here cause I’m trying to enjoy the game from my living room.

I for one am shocked that the skinny guy with shitty tattoos would be getting kind of violent with some of the girls involved. If there’s one thing I know about shirtless white trash guys, it’s their unflappable respect for and kind treatment towards women.

That said, I don’t blame him for trying to corral that husky girl before it’s too late. Letting her continue to roam unchecked could have led to much bigger problems for everyone involved. I don’t think anyone in attendance would have complained if she were hog tied and left on the train tracks. Except the train conductor. That would have ended like the trailer for “Super 8″ for him.

I just hope this one doesn’t get taken down by Warner Bros. Clearly this is a key scene in the next Batman movie, “The Dark Knight Rises”. This central plot point involves Batman in a disheveled costume going to Vegas, getting drunk, then having his ass handed to him by some pudgy Mexican dude with rage issues to the point that he’d beat up Batman in front of small children. Then the rest of the film is Batman icing himself and crying about his dead parents. At the end, he runs into Bane and Catwoman in a club and they do shots, leading Batman to recognize who he really is as a man. Batman then quietly masturbates while Catwoman and Bane have drunken, sloppy sex in a Reno motel. It may not seem like a summer blockbuster, but neither did the kid from “Third Rock from the Sun” walking on walls in dreams inside dreams, did it?

Batman Got Beat Down In Vegas [Buzzfeed]

Here’s my ethical quandary: Do you want a chick who knows how to fight or not? It’s kind of a turn-on that these girls aren’t throwing little swinging girl slaps. On the other hand, do you really want to have to pull your girlfriend away from various situations just because some girl said her hair has split ends? I need a ruling here.

For what it’s worth, I’m leaning towards “no fighting”. After watching this video of a chick catching a seizure from two hood rats in a McDonald’s, I think I’d rather date Mahatma Gandhi with boobs over lady Tyson in that link.

[Thanks for the tip, Dragon!]

This is a tough one for me to call in my usual “Judge Judy”-esque position. I dislike the white lady for being so entitled and starting problems right away by calling the girl an animal. The food wasn’t even anywhere near her. There was no reason to make a comment. At the same time, black girls love themselves a fight. I think there’s no sector of society more ready to wildly throw punches and pull out hair faster than them. So some homely fat white lady doesn’t like you eating spaghetti…big deal. Hardly worth a one minute tirade.

So, in summation, I’m ruling in favor of the piggish white lady. Sure she was kind of bitchy, but she was probably just jealous of the fact there was a delicious plate of carbs within 100 feet of her and she wasn’t allowed to dive snout first in. Plus, there has never been a court case won when one of the parties’ primary defense was, “Your honor, she grown. She know what’s up.”

Open Post: Hosted By A Subway Spaghetti Fight [D-listed]