Fortunately, science has developed a cheap, simple way to keep the electronics you own from killing you. Well, from killing you with fire, anyway.

Here’s the problem, scientifically speaking. Once a battery cell hits a certain temperature in the area where the electrode and the electrolyte meet, it just keeps going until it lights something on fire, kind of like Ozzy in the ’70s. It’s called “thermal runaway”, and just to add to the fun, it can literally happen in seconds, making it hard to detect.

This sensor simply measures the alternating current coming out of the battery: you know, the stuff that your battery is supposed to put out in the first place. As the battery heats up, this current is affected in subtle ways by the temperature. All the sensor has to do is pick up on that difference, and shut down the battery before we get thermal runaway, which we are increasingly convinced needs to be a metal song.

Oh, and this sensor is also dirt cheap. In other words, soon, the idea that your phone can burn you to death will be a thing of the past. Now, the cancer, that’s a separate problem.

Inexpensive sensor can warn of lithium-ion battery failure[The Engineer]

A Fresno Fire Department spokeswoman says that the fire began when one of the people in the whom saw several black widows in the home. In order to get rid of the spiders, he took a homemade open-flame blowtorch to ignore a fire.

The fire ignited on a combustible material, causing a fire that severely damaged the garage and resulted in the home’s five inhabitants being displaced.

No one was injured by the fire.

Well no one except, I would presume, the spiders. Because if they survived that one, I can’t imagine they’ll be very pleased. This is precisely how low-budget horror movies titled Spider Attack 3D begin.

Spider-hunter sets garage ablaze [Fresno Bee]

That’s so brave. You never want to come face to face with an army of ejaculating civilians. Unless that’s part of your line of work, like a stripper. Then that’s basically validating you as being someone who simply does a great job. I genuinely believe that. Bouncers at strip clubs tend to be less than capable of understanding the concept of positive reinforcement, however.

This should be a ritual for every father’s birthday as a way to give back for all the work a dad does. For example, my dad drank and passed out, so it seems fitting that we would reward his flammable blood with a fire befitting a king. Then we all laugh and applaud as he rolls around trying to put it out with no assistance from the family. It’s a way to show that the father is the alpha male of the family, so he doesn’t need help. Also to provide warmth since he didn’t pay the heating bills. Logic!

It seems pretty suspicious that this is what led him to a life of painkiller abuse. Sure, it looks gruesome, but he doesn’t seem even remotely phased by the burning head. You’d get more of a reaction out of Michael Jackson by tickling his asshole. And how!

I guess the real point is that you shouldn’t drink Pepsi or your head will get set on fire until a group of Teamsters find you and have to stomp it off of you. Which is an odd message to convey in a Pepsi commercial, I’d think. Can’t really see how that’s a selling point but, hey, I’m no marketer. Plus kids are f’ing sheep anyway; you could put an ad out there for traumatic pedophilia and kids would be lining up around the block ready to put their repressed memories in their Trapper Keepers.

[via]

Or MAYBE this is the first actually good April Fool’s Day prank ever. I mean the commitment it takes to a joke to light yourself on fire, threaten the life of an infant, and run around like you’re one of the Fantastic Four is something to be applauded. That is dedication to your art.

Seriously though I f’ing hate April Fool’s Day. Other than a couple of cool things (check out Reddit’s design or the old prank Opie and Anthony pulled by announcing the Mayor of Boston had died), April Fool’s is a holiday for unfunny people to do unfunny pranks to other unfunny people who then go, “Oh ho, you got me!” Acceptable pranks:

-Mailing your friend fake test results from his doctor that declare him HIV positive
-Putting a friend’s photo and cell phone number up on Craigslist in the “Erotic Services” category
-Injecting a coworker with the ebola virus, waiting for them today
-Coming in with a fake mustache and declaring yourself to be “Senor Pedorasto” and asking “donde estan los niños”
-Running over your boss, then telling the office that “some black guy did it”

See? It’s not so hard.

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