I often wonder what my funeral will be like. Yes, that sounds morbid, but I wholly anticipate a big screen with “The Last Waltz” on repeat and gallons of Knob Creek being passed around, so hopefully it won’t be all that bad.

Another option would be ]]>

I often wonder what my funeral will be like. Yes, that sounds morbid, but I wholly anticipate a big screen with “The Last Waltz” on repeat and gallons of Knob Creek being passed around, so hopefully it won’t be all that bad.

Another option would be people piling up 320,000 fireworks and lighting them all off in tribute to my awesomeness.

Which is the salute that the deceased in the video below received, courtesy of his friends, who either understood his love for explosions or drank enough Natural Light the day of the service to make John Daly cringe.

You really, really, really want to use earphones (or check your volume at least) before you watch this. Fun gets rolling at about 0:30 in.

What can we say, the man loved blowing s— up [Geekologie]

Finally, somebody combines the awesomeness of fireworks with the rapid-fire capabilities of a machine gun.

Well, there goes $200 worth of fireworks in less than 2 minutes — totally worth it.

If there’s one piece of advice the Guyism staff can pass on to our loyal readers today, it’s this: If somebody asks you to hold a firework in your hand while they light it, please decline. Also, if you’re not an explosives expert, stay away from mortars.

Your appendages will ]]>

If there’s one piece of advice the Guyism staff can pass on to our loyal readers today, it’s this: If somebody asks you to hold a firework in your hand while they light it, please decline. Also, if you’re not an explosives expert, stay away from mortars.

Your appendages will thank you later.

Eric Smith, 36, was using a three-foot-long metal tube to shoot mortars near his Islip Terrace home on Saturday evening. One of the explosives shot out and struck him in the left arm, taking it off, said police.
Smith’s friends wrapped the arm in ice and took him to the hospital — where Smith was listed in serious condition.

As an addendum to the above, please don’t tape fireworks yourself. We thought that was just common sense, but apparently not for this vlogger.

Apparently in Minnesota you can buy fireworks in a Target. While this might appeal to your American instinct to blow things up and stare at pretty colors, it might be less cool than it sounds. At least if this one brand of fireworks delivers on what its name promises.

Apparently in Minnesota you can buy fireworks in a Target. While this might appeal to your American instinct to blow things up and stare at pretty colors, it might be less cool than it sounds. At least if this one brand of fireworks delivers on what its name promises.

I’ve never gotten the whole wanting someone to pee on your fetish. From what I understand, it’s something to do with wanting to be devalued as a person, kind of a sadomasochist thing. But if that’s the case, is getting peed on really the answer to that need? Can’t you just go outside? Odds are someone surly will say something hurtful to you for just existing. Or maybe you could try to find someone be nice to you? I know there’s no real punchline here, but I’d really like some intrepid commenter who enjoys being turned into a human diaper to give me some insight here. I’m a social scientist at heart.

[Reddit]

Next year rather than just shooting fireworks at my elderly neighbors like I did this year I think I will rig up one of these R/C planes the way these guys did and just dive bomb them with a wide and spectacular array of bottle rockets…

I guess technically this isn’t irony, but there’s something very fitting about a reporter doing a story on fireworks safety and accidentally shooting her cameraman in the face.

I’m kind of surprised there isn’t more innovation in the field of fireworks though. I mean it’s pretty much been the ]]>

I guess technically this isn’t irony, but there’s something very fitting about a reporter doing a story on fireworks safety and accidentally shooting her cameraman in the face.

I’m kind of surprised there isn’t more innovation in the field of fireworks though. I mean it’s pretty much been the same fundamental “Shoot colorful crap in the air, probably injure some redneck’s eye” for the same crap for 100 years hasn’t it? There’s been more innovation in the field of talking greeting cards than there have been in fireworks, and that’s sad.

Maybe I’m just too passionate about fireworks. I like fireworks a lot. They’re very loud and colorful, mindless fun. Though oddly, that’s the same reason I hate the Puerto Rican Day Parade. Well that and the rape.

Okay so this probably won’t be a recurring feature, but dare to dream. Check out this video of how some Greeks celebrate Easter. Spoiler: They’re idiots.

Not pictured in the celebration: The winner gets sodomy. I’m not going to lie, that’s like all I know about Greece…gyros, sodomy, and ]]>

Okay so this probably won’t be a recurring feature, but dare to dream. Check out this video of how some Greeks celebrate Easter. Spoiler: They’re idiots.

Not pictured in the celebration: The winner gets sodomy. I’m not going to lie, that’s like all I know about Greece…gyros, sodomy, and men wrestling in the nude. But the latter two ingredients sure do make for a delicious food in the form of the first one!

As the person who posted this says, “When your bottle rocket doesnt go off as planned make sure when you inspect it you point the exploding part away from your nuts.”

Excellent advice, indeed.

Happy Birthday, America.

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