After the fourth incident, local officers set up a surveillance camera in an effort to catch the culprit in action (you can see the video of the incident below).

Police received two tips from unidentified individuals after releasing the video that fingered Sorsony.

Sorsony faces five charges of trespassing on school property, each carrying a $500 bond.

It’s unclear what Sorsony’s motive is, but it better be a good one. Pooping outside a building once, sure. Twice, fine. Five times? That school better have killed your family, resulting in a Kill Bill-style revenge plot with feces in lieu of ninja swords.

You can see the video of Sorsony carrying out his brilliant scheme below. Warning…unless you work in a German porn studio, the video is probably NSFW.

Ocala School Poop Suspect Arrested [First Coast News]

The world's hairiest wrist helps illustrate a sign language gesture.

When Lee went to confront Stewart and his deaf friend, they motioned for her to leave, which Lee did.

Lee then returned with two people to escalate the altercation. Police say Lee had 19-year-old Marco Ibanez allegedly stab Stewart and the other deaf man. Two others were injured in the scuffle, including a bouncer who had to be hospitalized after having a bottle broken over his head.

Both deaf men remain in the hospital with non-fatal wounds. Lee and Ibanez were charged with assault with a deadly weapon.

This scene from “Cool Hand Luke” seems to be highly appropriate:

I mean seriously, how dumb is this woman? Maybe she wasn’t sober, who knows. But to mistake sign language communication for gang signs is the dumbest thing ever. Two people having a conversation with hand gestures looks nothing like a gang sign. You know what a gang sign is? Me holding up three fingers and arching my thumb. So this woman must have thought these gang members were the world’s most advanced gang in the world with a several minute-long greeting to show their solidarity as a unit. Either way, doesn’t seem like someone worth trifling with.

I’d also like to know more about the Lee/Ibanez relationship. Is he like a Pokemon she breaks out to stab anyone who offends her delicate-yet-idiotic sensibilities? What’s in it for him other than a vagina dry aged as though it were being served at Peter Luger? Inquiring minds need to know!

Deaf Men Stabbed At Hallandale Beach Bar [NBC Miami]

The bestiality bill would outlaw the beloved pastime of sex between man and animal. The bill gained momentum after a rise in bestiality cases in the state, including one man accused of accidentally asphyxiating a goat during sex and abusing horses. The new bill would make these crimes a misdemeanor [ED. NOTE: As opposed to current law which dictates he be given a high five and all the seasons of "Mr. Ed" on Laserdisc, I suppose?]

The other bill is informally known as the “droopy pants bill” and will require students to pull up their pants so as to cover their underwear. Any exposition of underwear or butt crack will result in suspension or other punishments.

Clearly Florida needs to start paying a state income tax to make up for all this greatness being done on the people’s behalf. You mean not only do I not have to watch my neighbor reenact “Lady and the Tramp” with a goat, but I also don’t have to see teenage boxers when I’m hanging outside the schoolyard in my bitchin’ van? That’s easily worth 30% of my salary.

Congratulations, Florida!

Bills banning bestiality, baggy pants pass in Fla. [MSNBC]

Both father and daughter were arrested for soliciting prostitution.

The duo were among eight people arrested in connection with the prostitution sting. Police claim the sting yielded over 60 potential suspects as well.

My personal feelings towards prostitution (not for me, but who really cares?) aside, this just seems kind of sad. Why can’t a father and daughter spend this most holy of holidays finding common ground in a way that makes the both of them happy? I mean, we allow families to eat dinner and go to church and whatever. Is there that big of a difference between those things and getting your 80-year-old dad a rimmer from a woman who has made terrible choices in life and will realize that while her nose is in the crack of an octogenarian? I say no.

Tampa police say woman tried to buy her 80-year-old father a prostitute over Easter weekend [ABC Action News]

We’re not even close to the start of college football season and already, in-state rivals are at each other’s throats. This one comes courtesy of those dastardly Seminoles who flew a banner over Florida’s campus during their spring football game Saturday.

The banner was a hilarious reminder of the a$$ whooping FSU laid on the Gators last fall.

A group of “12 to 15 ” FSU fans pooled the $850 necessary to get AirSign to fly a banner over the Florida campus during the Gators spring game. The sign read “31-7 Go Noles!” and took an hour-long journey through the sky above the Gainesville campus. Interestingly enough, the plane was being piloted by Patrick Walsh, AirSign’s president and an admitted Gators fan.

Unfortunately, you know it’s only a matter of time before this prank is pulled at numerous campus’ across the country. But kudos to those FSU fans for beating everyone to the punch with their creativity. And Patrick Walsh? Shame on you sir for taking money over fandom. You will be shamefully hung in effigy at the next Gators’ football rally. Sell out!

FSU fans taunt from the sky during UF spring game [CBS Sports]

32

If there was any question as to who the best college basketball player in the country was, Derrick Williams eliminated that doubt yesterday. In the biggest upset of the tournament thus far, the Arizona Wildcats defeated Duke in stunning fashion, 93-77. The Blue Devils had no answer for Derrick Williams who dropped 32 points on them in every which way imaginable including several powerful in-the-lane dunks. It was the one of the worst losses Duke has had in tournament history and given the way Arizona is playing right now, it’s hard to choose against them.

11-29

Jimmer has certainly had bad shooting nights before. None, however, came in a do-or-die situation for his team. His 11-29 shooting performance was much worse than it actually looked. The only time he was able to score was when he took someone off the dribble into the lane. He bricked 12 of 15 three-point attempts. If Florida’s strategy was to let Jimmer beat them at all cost and just hope he had a bad shooting night, well, they succeeded. The Gators move on the Elite Eight with the win to face the Butler Bulldogs.

54

If you were forced to watch the Butler-Wisconsin game last night, my deepest apologies. Especially if you’ve never seen the Badgers set the basketball world back to the peach basket days. Trailing by 9 at the half, Wisconsin needed a run to get themselves back in the game. What they got was the complete opposite. They failed to score for the first six minutes of the second half and by the time they did, Butler had built a sizable double-digit lead. In fairness to the Badgers, they mounted a nice comeback, cutting the lead to 4, but it was too little, too late. And for the 5th straight season, Bo Ryan was eliminated from the tournament by a mid-major.

36

At the Maui Invitational earlier in the season, Connecticut wasn’t on anyone’s radar. Coming off the scandal with Coach Calhoun, the team looked thin and only had one guy who could really put the ball in the basket with consistently. That man, Kemba Walker showed that weekend and for the rest of the season how good he actually was. The Huskies rode his back again en route to a win over the 2nd seeded San Diego State Aztecs. Walker was nothing short of brilliant scoring 36 points after starting the game 2-7. There eventually will be a game in this tournament when Walker struggles–or at least, every team in the country hopes so. Because when he gets going, the Huskies are an impossible team to beat.

Florida Gators head coach Billy Donovan thought a press conference about his team’s Sweet 16 showdown with BYU would be about basketball. You know, the x’s and o’s, how they would defend Jimmer Fredette, rebounding, shooting, etc…But no, those kinds of questions would make entirely too much sense, especially with many in the mainstream media looking for a “juicy” story to write.

One reporter thought he’d step outside the box and ask about BYU’s honor code and specifically whether Florida Gators’ players were sexually active. Donovan was of course, caught off-guard, and Chandler Parsons, well, he had to hold back some laughter.

“[H]ow many Gators would be left on the team if you had that rule?” he asked the 22-year-old senior. Parsons laughed uncomfortably and tried to talk his way out of it, but it didn’t matter — Bianchi still brought it back in his own column, which was subtitled “Would UF even have enough players for a game of one-on-one?”

By the way, that reporter was Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel. You can find his terrible article on the sexual activity of college kids here. I’m guessing Bianchi is compiling some more research at the various spring break spots in sunny, southern Florida as we speak.

The Florida basketball team has no comment on premarital sex [Deadspin]

Batcher looking awfully smug for someone people did not want to see topless

When she emerged, Batcher was topless. Though bar employees and police officials repeatedly requested Batcher put her clothes back, she refused, saying “You don’t understand, I have been married since I was 13 years old and have been married for 16 years.”

After being taken to the police station for processing, Batcher fell and banged her chin on the floor, requiring stitches.

Batcher denied being on any illegal substances. She’s being charged with indecent exposure and disorderly conduct.

I know nothing of Batcher’s circumstances with her marriage or even if what she’s saying is legit. But all I know is that if you’re drunk enough that you require stitches AND people are imploring you to put your clothes back on, you’re probably not too much of a catch. Maybe as a saucy 13-year-old having an illegal marriage, but not at 34. Unless she’s wearing pig tails. As adult films have taught us, pig tails are a perfectly viable rationale for developmental failures and promiscuity.

Woman strips naked in men’s room at Sarasota bar [WTSP]

Hi Gabe,

I read style articles all the time and one thing that I’ve noticed is it seems that most of them are geared towards people living in cooler climate than what we deal with here in Florida.  During 80% of the year it’s just to freakin hot to wear any kind of layers or even a button up at times.  What suggestions would you give to dressing casual but still looking good when going out in 90 degree weather.  I’m sure a lot of guys down here would love to hear your thoughts.  Thanks in advance!

Stay Fit,
JT
Personal Trainer / Manager
www.ptrefined.com

This is a great question. I happen to be very familiar with South Floridian heat and humidity. For starters, it’s not too different from the crazy humidity of New Jersey/New York summers and I’m Cuban. I visit my family all the time in Miami (God, how stereotypical is that?!), so I get it. The humidity can be stifling, so wearing blazers and all that aren’t necessarily a good look.

The key here is lightweight fabrics (cottons, linens, seersucker), a slightly looser fit, and light colors. Not so loose that you’re swimming in your clothes a la Kris Kross, but enough so that your body can breathe and you won’t get sweat stains where the sun don’t shine. So, let’s break it down a bit shall we?

T-Shirts/Undershirts

A nice, well-fitting 100% cotton tee is perfectly acceptable for a chill, backyard BBQ or friendly get together. I’d say you don’t want to wear a t-shirt if you’re going to a bar or club (even if it has dragons on it. Please – no reader of mine will be caught dead in Ed Hardy or Affliction. It’s just tacky, you can do better. I don’t care what the “Jersey Shore” says). Just remember to keep it slim, so size down. Especially if you’re wearing it as an undershirt…

Depending on how much you perspire, you may want to wear a v-neck tee underneath whatever oxford shirt you will wear. I know that sounds a bit backwards (2 layers = hotter), but an undershirt helps keep sweat from soaking through to your button-down. Not to mention it will protect said shirt from anti-perspirant stains (those nasty yellow stains on all your t-shirts in the under arm area).

Hanes Classic V-Neck Tee – 3 for $10.07 (it’s Amazon, go figure)

Oxford Button-downs

This should be your go-to shirt for a casual evening out on the town. Choose a lightweight cotton or linen and don’t be afraid if it’s a little wrinkled or worn in. If linen is too Miami Vice for you, then a chambray shirt is a great alternative. (NOTE: This will be the only time I’ll ever tell you it’s ok to have wrinkles. I’m talking slightly, too, not deep creases). Don’t be afraid to grab a patterned shirt like madras or gingham. Just keep it to bright colors so you stay seasonally a propos.

If you’re going to wear your shirt untucked (which I would say is acceptable in the warmer months in more casual situations), make sure the shirt doesn’t go past the bottom of your crotch. Otherwise, it looks like you’re wearing your father’s shirt and it’s not a good look. Always be mindful of proportions. With that said, undo the top 1 or 2 buttons on your shirt and roll your cuffs up to about mid-forearm and you’re good to go.

L.L. Bean Signature Gingham Poplin Shirt – $65

Pants

I would talk about shorts, but since you’re going out I think you should always rock pants. Denim is a non-starter (unless it’s white denim, in which case do it up!). I’m not trying to set your crotch-area on fire for an evening (any other reason for crotch burning is entirely in your hands). I almost exclusively wear cotton chinos in the summer. Make sure they’re hemmed for no break, meaning the bottom of your pants barely touch, if at all, the top of your shoes. This will help maximize air flow and the less fabric you have on, means the cooler you’ll be. And guess what?? I wrote a whole post (and so did many of my friends) on the merits on no-break, cotton chinos today!

Dockers SF Tapered Khaki – $75 (but check out your local Macy’s, they’re ALWAYS on sale)

Footwear

No mandals, I mean sandals. They are meant for the gym showers and the beach/pool. That’s it. End of story. And please don’t be that guy that wears socks with his sandals. People will laugh at you, not with you. My footwear of choice throughout the summer is Sperry Authentic Original Boat Shoes. They’re super comfortable and withstand the dropping of many brews atop them. Check out my Spring Essentials post for more Spring/Summer footwear choices for any occasion you may encounter.

The final decision you’ll have to make is whether you go sans socks this summer. I know this isn’t for everyone, I get it. I bit the bullet last summer and let me tell you, it is far cooler going without socks than with. However, to avoid stinking the hell out of my shoes, I do wear loafer socks. They’re made of a lightweight cotton and spandex, usually with some sort of odor fighting characteristic. I completely endorse no socks in the Summer. It’s just too damn hot. If you can’t stomach the look, just make sure you go with thin, cotton dress socks so your feet can breathe in your brogues.

Mocc Sock & Co – 3 pairs for $8.99

Well, JT (and all his fellow Floridians), I hope this helps. Feel free to drop me a line with any other questions you may have – gabe@guyism.com.  Cheers!

If my father had heard of the idea way back in 1999, he no doubt would have done the same thing Ronda Holder made her son, James Mond, III, do recently — walk around on a street corner with a sign reading, “GPA 1.22 … honk if I need eduction.”

(Which could lead us to true story No. 2 which involves me having to go to church in a Spider Man onesie … at the age of 10. Thanks, dad.)

Even though giving traffic to Fox News is probably like stabbing a flower in the face or something, it’s worth it to go check out the video in which James gets ridiculed not just by his mother, but by the local news.

He walks around a street corner wearing this sign — lettering could be bigger and the message more succinct in my opinion, but that’s splitting hairs — while being mocked by an entire community of people who recognized him as the local ne’er-do-well and decided to stop and make fun of him while he hangs his head in shame.

Naturally, someone complains about this — experts are apparently criticizing the move as “humiliating and ineffective” and reported her to child services. These are probably the same type of people that believe the unemployment system in this country is working.

Personally, I think Holder makes a great point — you can take away a kid’s phone, you can take away his car, you can take away his allowance, but until you completely strip him of his dignity through public embarrassment, there’s no guarantee that he’s going to actually take anything seriously.

I can promise you I never wore pajamas past 11:30 on a Sunday again until I moved out of my parents’ house.

Just imagine how much he could have stored with a female condom.

When corrections deputies frisked the man as part of their routine procedure, they found a condom in his rectum containing:

17 round blue pills, one cigarette, six matches, one flint, one empty syringe with an eraser over the needle, one lip balm container, one additional unused condom, a receipt from CVS pharmacy and a paper coupon.

Lansing now faces additional charges of drug possession and tobacco possession inside a jail. He’s being held without bail.

Thirty items in your rectum, Neil? Really? Some drugs to get you through a jail stint, sure. But when your anus muling includes receipt keeping and coupon clipping, you know you have a problem. Financial prudence has no place in bunghole storage. Especially when your idea of a monetary windfall is someone accidentally dropping a nickel but being too lazy to pick it up.

Jailer: Inmate hid 30 items in rectum [Sarasota Herald-Tribune]

According to police reports, Clark “pulled out a piece of paper towel from her crotch” that contained three Oxycodone pills and three Xanax tablets.

She then pointed her finger at the driver and said he told her to shove the drugs down there before police came. He responded by saying to the cops, he “has no idea what was down her pants.”

Clark is charged with two counts of felony drug possession.

I definitely believe her story. Mostly because, in my experience, if you give a girl enough drugs, she has no clue what’s going into her vagina or why. I like to go with fireworks and sprinkles to recreate the Big Bang theory. Finally, science can be educational AND fun!

“Honest, Officer, Those Drugs Hidden In My Crotch Are Not Mine” [The Smoking Gun]

The police report claims that, upon arrival, they noticed that the victim Olvera had “tamale sauce all over his pants.”

Allegedly, Sanchez assaulted Olvera after he called her a bitch in front of the couple’s young son.

When officers attempted to get a statement from, Olvera, Sanchez burst and told officers that she “threw the tamales on him because she is not going to leth im call her a bitch in front of her son and get away with it.”

Sanchez is charged with misdemeanor battery (and presumably two counts of defacing a delicious corn-based Latino meal).

You know, as crazy as it sounds to commit assault with a tamale, I think that’s a perfectly reasonable response to being called a bitch. She didn’t strike Olvera or stab him…she just threw a soft, delicious, spicy dinner at him. I don’t want to get tamale sauce all over my pants, but that seems like a fair trade-off. If he called her the C word, she could have upgraded to beating him about the head with a well-seasoned flank steak. The punishment fits the crime.

Wanton Tamale Assault Lands Florida Woman Behind Bars [The Smoking Gun]

The district claims that Ventura sexted numerous students, with the most egregious one being a text he sent saying, “I love you, you’re pretty and beautiful” [ED. NOTE: Are we getting rid of this guy for trying to diddle kids or for having no game at all? Perhaps both?].

One student told local news affiliate WFTV that Ventura “was a very good teacher last year and was good with all the students. He was always very nice to everyone.”

Ventura resigned prior to a board meeting in which he was going to be fired. The school district has banned him from working again in any of its schools.

My favorite part of the story is the one kid who says that Ventura was nice to everyone. Of course he was nice to everyone. You don’t get to fingerbang girls who like Justin Bieber with harsh words and scowls. Save that for the adult women with their “inflated egos” and “maturity” and “menstruation,” I say!

Teacher Resigns Amidst Allegations Of ‘Sexting’ Students [WFTV]

However, when Ireland got a dance from a stripper named “Suki” [ED. NOTE: Call me crazy, but I think this young lady may be using a pseudonym], he claims he was kicked in the eye by one of her high heels.

Ireland sustained a punctured eye socket and broken bones around his eye and nose as a result of the reckless stripping. His lawyer claims that Ireland now has permanent double vision.

The strip club decided to settle the suit out of fear of paying more in damages if the case went to trial.

I know it’s fun to act like, “Heh I bet he still had a good time though” or say that this guy shouldn’t have gotten as much money because it’s funny that this happened to a man at a strip club. But to get an injury that serious does not sound like fun. I’m sure most of you reading this have been to a crappy strip club before, so imagine this scenario: You go to a terrible strip club. After twenty minutes, you decide that the club is a complete abomination and want to get out of there. Your friends don’t want to go, so you acquiesce and end up getting a lap dance from a girl who looks vaguely like a transvestite. Then she starts giving you a clumsy dance culminating in her smacking you in the face with her whore heels, resulting in serious eye damage. Does that not sound like the worst experience ever? Poor Mr. Ireland should have been awarded cuddles and mindbending drugs in addition to all the money he got and then some.

Man Gets $650,000 After Eye Injury During Lap Dance [NBC Miami]

'Officer, do cops usually wear glass heels and have their badge covered in Lucky Charms dust?'

One man told police that McNeal ordered him not to move, pinned him up against the wall, pulled out a fake badge, and then stole $400 worth of cash from the man’s wallet.

The incident came to light thanks to the man telling police about it. The police will not be filing charges against him for attempting to pay for sex, saying that “he was a victim” who learned his lesson the hard way.

McNeal is in custody facing two felony charges of fraud for impersonating a law enforcement officer.

From where I sit, this looks like the most brilliant crime ever. Men paying for sex were pretty unlikely to rat McNeal out due to the embarrassment. Plus, she got to play pretend AND live a life vaguely resembling a poorly acted softcore porn on Cinemax, which is always fun. Up until the going to jail part, this is the perfect crime. With sexy results.

Lee County woman arrested for impersonating hooker, police officer [WINK News]

Elmo strikes fear into the hearts of all those who cross him, innocent looks be damned.

A police statement said about the incident:

“The man who was wearing the Elmo costume was already in the store when the suspect entered the store and was physically aggressive towards customers and staff. The suspect in this case suffered broken fingers and was taken to the hospital where he would receive treatment for his injuries and undergo a mental evaluation. The man dressed as Elmo was the victim in this incident and was not injured.”

According to police, the man who assaulted Elmo left the fight with two broken fingers. He was also detained for a mental health evaluation as it was unclear why he snapped on the man in the Elmo costume.

It’s easy to forget that though Elmo looks so cute and cuddly, he does live on a street with people living in trash cans and large birds having drug hallucinations. You have to learn to defend yourselves in those mean streets.

I would also desperately like to see video of this. I don’t know what pure bliss is, but I imagine it can be achieved through a grown man in an Elmo suit snapping another man’s fingers in a guitar store.

Man attacks Elmo; Elmo wins [CNN]

The mother of an 11-year-old boy was shocked to discover a man swimming in a hotel pool with her son was naked.

It happened at the Quality Inn & Suites off Interstate 75 in Brooksville. Hernando Sheriff’s investigators report the man, 57-year-old Gary Forro, was in the pool with the boy “in a relaxing manner with his hands over his head” when the mother noticed he had nothing on.

She immediately pulled her son from the pool and notified the hotel manager, according to the report.

The hotel manager told investigators he also saw the man naked in the pool, but using a red athletic cup to cover his genitals. When asked to put his clothes on, the report states Forro dropped the cup, again exposing himself before he was arrested at the Hampton Inn next door wearing only wet shorts.

Sexual offender found naked in hotel pool [WTSP]

Officers say that Bush sped away after being pulled over, driving recklessly through town before crashing into a pole.

After the crash — which was big enough to knock out electricity in a nearby residential area — Bush climbed out of the vehicle. Police say he then escaped into a wooded area, escaping the cops chasing after him.

Police later sent deputies on horseback to try to track Bush through the woods but were unable to track him down.

This story definitely makes me feel like I’m not trying hard enough in life. I mean, I doubt Mr. Bush has such a fantastic life if he’s recklessly crashing into poles and having to escape from police. But the fact that he did it while hopping around like a rickety old pogo stick really says a lot about his will to achieve. Not like in work or education or being a productive member of society. But still. It counts for something.

Plus if Sarah Palin can book motivational speeches for tens of thousands of dollars, you’re telling me you wouldn’t give ol’ Hoppin’ George Bush $50 and a pack of Marlboros to give you a speech? Sign me up.

One-Legged Man Escapes on Foot [AOL News]

Video surveillance showed the two coming into the pool area, only for Harris to take a dump in his shorts, then “reached into his shorts and fl[u]ng feces all over the pool.” Harris then allegedly took another handful of his dump, swam to the bottom of the pool, and made the mark of an “X” on the pool’s floor.

Both men then went into the hot tub and hung out, where police found them not too long after.

The police spokesman told a local ABC affiliate, “I just don’t see what the thrill of this would be. It’s beyond comprehension.”

The pool will have to be drained in its entirety and closed down for a couple of days to adequately clean it out.

There’s obviously a whole lot to be confused about with this story; what were they trying to accomplish? Why target this one particular place for your shit-related crimes? But the biggest question to me is…why hang out in the hot tub afterwards? I’m sure that crapping in your pants and smearing it somewhere is probably a bit mentally taxing, but was the relaxing dip in the hot tub necessary? And what about the guy who didn’t smear poop everywhere? What can you even talk about after seeing your friend rub his dump all over a pool? I don’t think you just graciously segue into discussing the Dolphins’ chances in the tough AFC East. So many questions!

Party “poopers” leave their mark in swanky hotel pool [ABC Action News]