According to Jack in the Box’s Web site, the 16 oz bacon milkshake packs 773 calories and 40 grams and fat along with 12 sweet sweet grams of protein.

For those interested in how you can attempt this on your own, the restaurant says the shake is flavored with Torani bacon syrup rather than real bacon. Which is good because when you’re going to get a bacon milkshake, you want the most unhealthy route possible.

A spokesperson for the chain says the offer is “as limited as limited can be” so if you want your arteries clogged in the most extravagant and shameful way possible, you better act fast.

There’s a saying often uttered by people who adhere to a healthy-diet lifestyle. “If your great-grandmother wouldn’t recognize it as food, don’t eat it.” To those people I say, “My great-grandmother ate dirt in Italy.”

There‘s no way in hell great-grandma would recognize my favorite foods, and I am perfectly comfortable living with this knowledge. My favorite type of food is new to the world. It’s manufactured. It’s exactly the kind of food that celebrity diet scolds warn us about. My favorite type of food is food that tastes like other food. These are seven of my favorites, Jamie Oliver be damned.

7 Molten Hot Wing Potato Chips
I don’t smoke weed, but these make me want to smoke weed because I want to crave hot wing potato chips on every level. I want to crave them while sober and while I am in an altered state of mind and even while I am sleeping. I want to get high with my new weed friends and stare at the bag and try to think of a better idea in the world than these little ridged discs of succulence, but I know we will not be able to.

6 Bacon Popcorn
You know who likes plain popcorn? No one. Most of us need salt and butter just to choke the stuff down. The people over at J&D Foods came up with an ingenious solution: bacon-and-butter-flavored popcorn. Then the J&D people upped the ante and released an entire lineup of bacon-flavored products, including bacon salt, baconnaise, bacon ranch, bacon croutons, bacon gravy, bacon rub, bacon lip balm and even bacon-flavored envelopes. The magnificent bastards at J&D found a way to put bacon on office supplies. We will all work for them someday. Then they’ll get greedy and start turning human beings into Soylent Green. But we’ll worry about that later.

5 Bourbon Chicken
If you have ever been to a mall food court in the United States, you have been approached by someone giving away samples of bourbon chicken. Odds are, either on that trip to the mall or on some other, you ordered bourbon chicken. That’s how damned delightful it is. Asian Chow Hawaiian Wok Express or whatever it’s called can GIVE ITS PRODUCT AWAY and still make a profit because it knows that once you take one sweet delicious bite of bourbon chicken, which as far as any of us knows does not exist outside of malls, you will be hooked for life.

4 Pepperoni Pizza Combos
On road trips I eat these things by the gross because THERE IS NO BETTER ROAD TRIP FOOD THAN PIZZA COMBOS AND SODA. None. I don’t care that the pepperoni pizza dust that coats these little nuggets of gorgeous tastes nothing like an actual pepperoni pizza. All I know is that when I finish the bag, I lick my fingers, then I put my wet fingers inside the bag to wipe up the remaining pepperoni pizza molecules, then I lick my fingers again, and then I weep quietly, for my snack is gone.

3 Bayhawk Chocolate Porter
One way parents teach their kids not to drink beer is by giving them a sip of some nasty-ass macro-brew. If my dad had given me a taste of the wonderful, chocolaty goodness of Bayhawk Chocolate Porter when I was a kid, my entire childhood would have revolved around procuring fake IDs, filching chocolate porters from my friends’ parents’ refrigerators and trying to get a job at Bayhawk Brewing at age 10. Bottom line: I’d be dead by now. Keep away from children.

2 Jalapeno Carne Seca Beef Jerky
I don’t know what carne seca means in Spanish, but my guess is “mouthgasm.” Beef jerky is one of the rare foods that is good on its own, but when you kick it up a notch with some jalapeno action, you’ve got dinner, friend. Yes, beef jerky can be dinner. What the hell do you think John Wayne ate? Salmon? The man ate beef jerky and smoked Lucky Strikes and drank Texaco motor oil every night like a real man.

1 Cool Ranch Doritos
The perfect snack food on every level. Maybe the perfect food. Most snack chips are plain and boring and awful, which is why we Americans fill our arteries with ranch dressing and onion dip and give ourselves diabetes at kids’ birthday parties. There is no need for dip with Cool Ranch Doritos. They taste like the dip you would otherwise be dipping them into. What I’m saying is these goddamn things save lives.

Personally, I hope all the hungry people were brought to the charity event and forced to watch this. That way, the delusional people who’d do this in the first place could binge on baked goods, faces covered in dough and cream, all the while giving emaciated starving people a thumbs up. “I’m doing this for you, friend!”

Maybe the poor people can get a wrapper or something. “We’re not totally unaware, you know?”

The Worst Way To Benefit The Hungry [Buzzfeed]

Just opened in one of Tokyo’s trendiest districts, Shinjuku, is a brand new restaurant that is serving up assorted dishes, all based around various games of theirs. Everything from Resident Evil to Sengoku Basara. Here’s a look at the menu, via Capcom Unity not too long ago…

Well, it just opened for business, and they just posted a closer look at the list of entrees. Monster Hunter spare ribs looks pretty damn good…

As does the Phoenix Wright themed onion rings and octopus balls (I don’t get the connection, but they look tasty nonetheless)…

Silioncera also stopped by and took candid pics of their own. And in the wild they look great, even the RE brain cake…

Last year, Capcom did something similar, specifically to celebrate the 15th anniversary of Resident Evil, where they gave a bar a facelift for a limited time. The selection of food wasn’t as wild, but they did allow patrons to fire rounds from replicas of the guns in the game, which was pretty cool.

As pointed out by Wired, is a UK based food blog called Gourmet Gaming. The premise is simple: they take virtual cuisine and make them real. The results are impressive, though it helps that they go for dishes that sound appetizing to begin with. Like the aforementioned poultry from Streets of Rage (sans the notion that it’s found in trash or just lying on the ground)…

Here we have the chilidog from Sonic Generations (which itself was an ode to Sonic’s penchant for them in the old, early 90s, weekday afternoon cartoon)…

Everyone knows by now that Skyrim has a heavy emphasis on food, like all recent entries of Elder Scrolls. Here we have the series staple, the sweet roll…

And here we have what a ration from Metal Gear Solid is supposed to be like. Though I can tell you first hand, being a military brat and all, that Army food, especially the stuff that’s on the go, does not normally look this delicious…

Ah, a longtime staple of the virtual kitchen, the slab of meat from Golden Axe!

Okay, here’s a weird one (finally); in Paper Mario, there’s a dish that the Koopas like called Koopasta, which is basically a plate of very green pasta. You know, it doesn’t sound too exciting to me, but I can imagine vegans on the other hand being super interested…

Finally, time for desert! So the cake from Portal is not a lie, but actually delicious…

The pixelated cake from Minecraft doesn’t have quite the sharp angles, but again looks quite nice…

And here’s the pizza sundae from Costume Quest, easily the most mouth watering thing thus far…

Tomorrow we celebrate….what exactly do we celebrate at Thanksgiving? Harvest season? Landing at Plymouth Rock? Manifest Destiny? Whatever it is we’re commemorating, we’re all looking forward to observing the holiday with a traditional American food binge.

I’m not about to play Grinch and tell you to ease up on the cranberry sauce this year. No way. This is the one time a year you get to stuff yourself in the name of goodwill and peace on earth (or something like that). Instead, below are a few tips on dressing slimmer for a day devoted to hoovering pumpkin pie like it’s your job.

Small Patterns
Big patterns on your clothes make you look – well, bigger. Stick to subtle checks and prints, and keep them away from your widest canvas – which for most guys is their mid-section. Sorry fellas, that means no reindeer sweaters this year.

Monochromatic Clothing
Wearing one color head to toe makes you look taller and skinnier – always a good combo.

Abandon Pleats
Extra folds mean extra volume in the region us ladies like to call our “trouble area,” that is, the hips, butt and belly. Cut out the pleats to cut out a few phantom pounds.

Skinny Fabrics
Skipping extra material helps; so does skipping extra-heavy material. Stick to slimmer knits and fabrics to cut down on unnecessary bulk. So, Cashmere cardigan: yes. Wool fisherman’s sweater: no.

Up and Down, not Side to Side
Horizontal stripes are no friend to a stocky frame. Keep your look on the up and up with vertical stripes. Thin lines draw the eye up and down (rather than across) your body, making it look longer, and yes, leaner.

Lower that Line
A v-neck is a great “having a fat day” clothing option. By now, you’ve hopefully noticed a pattern – elongate lines and draw the eye away from any holly, jolly hefty zones. The v-neck’s low collar does both.

Not too tight, Not too loose
Picture a chubby girl wearing a skintight dress. Got the image in your head? Okay, that shudder you just felt is the same one women get when they see guys wearing too-tight attire. Steer clear. And at the other extreme, ditch baggy duds; they just make you look sloppy. And no, they’re not fooling anyone into thinking you’ve got a six-pack hiding underneath. A good fit covers a multitude of sins, including that six-pack you polished off watching the game.

Happy Thanksgiving!

“If you’ve eaten a McRib then you’re the type of person who thinks it’s probably okay to eat a McRib” should absolutely be a slogan McDonald rolls out when the McRib is available for a limited time. If we’re going to pawn off pig intestines with a mediocre barbecue flavoring as an experience remotely analogous to eating ribs, you might as well provide some honesty somewhere. The Fry Kids would finally be proud to show their faces in public.

[Thanks for the tip, John!]

That’s of course insanely dangerous. You should use Carson’s rotisserie, instead.

Before you ask, yes, you can use this thing indoors; it’s designed to be a completely portable and easy to use rotisserie, and thus can be electrically powered, from either a wall plug or a rechargeable internal battery. If you like the flavor of smoke in your meats, you can always take it outside and use the charcoal tray to grill yourself some steak. And, yes, it really does fold up into a briefcase. You even get your choice of colors.

The only question now, of course, is what color you want it in; the sleek, modern silver or the classic black. And, of course, where you’ll scrape up the $720 to buy it. But you’ll find the money. After all, the ability to bring this thing into the office and roast yourself some lunch is just too, too tempting. Especially to mess with that whiny vegetarian two cubes over.

Carson Portable Rotisserie Grill [Carson Rotisseries]

That is obscenely disgusting but I did enjoy the classy glass he drank from afterwards. When you’re eating a scorpion for the amusement of the savages on YouTube, the one thing you want to make sure to do is clean out the scorpion’s guts with a liquid served in a classy wine glass. It’s called having dignity, you guys.

So the first time we discussed the video with the two cute girls doing it, I said that it was clearly mildly arousing to some strange person out there. But I felt like this one was far more entertaining. Mostly because, at times, it looked like any time two guys get into a vaguely physical situation that starts as a joke then can end up as a physically aggressive situation. Around seven seconds in the slaps start getting harder, pizza flies a little more vigorously, we were probably five more seconds of pizza slapping away from a full-on brawl.

Either way, where’s Italy in all this? You’re really going to let all these other countries denigrate one of your prized exports without sending someone up to bat? Get to work, everyone whose last name ends in a vowel.

And as such, 7-11 is giving holding “Free Slurpee Day!”

This is tremendous news, because Slurpees are awesome. Duh.

There is some downside, however: it’s not “anyone who wants a Slurpee gets one” day. It’s actually “free Slurpees while they last” day.

Per USA Today, the chain will give away 5,000,000 Slurpees today, which is the approximate equivalent of 1,000 per store. Free Slurpee Lesson No. 1: If you want yours, you should go get it now; squirrel, nut, etc.

“Slurpee drinkers are some of the most loyal fans we have,” VP of Marketing Nancy Smith says. “They come here to have fun.”

They also come in to buy a bunch of other merch — last year when they did the free slurpee thing, sales went up 38 percent on the day.

And so: Free Slurpee Day Lesson No. 1: Don’t buy anything else when you go in. Otherwise you’re a sucker, sucker.

Free Slurpees come with a twist: They may cost you – [USA Today]

But the patriots at Juicy, LLC, created “Juicy’s Outlaw Burger” to remind those hosers just who the real fatties are: America. And now we hold the record for “World’s Biggest Burger” again, thanks to this 777-pound behemoth.

“The old record was held in Canada and we wanted to bring it home to America on the 4th of July,” Nick Nicora, one of the heroes involved in the creation of this monster.

What’s in this beast of beef?

Well, courtesy of Today’s “Bites” blog, it contains 600 pounds of beef, 30 pounds of lettuce, 12 pounds of pickles, 20 pounds of onions, 110 pounds of bun and is three feet thick and five feet long.

Oh yes, and it clocks in at 1,375,000 calories.

Which is like 5 or 10 Weight Watchers points for those of you trying to burn those Fourth of July lovehandles off.

For the record, a jar of Nutella is headlined by 4,000 calories and over 200 grams of fat. So…this dude is not playing around.

Personally though, I’m not impressed. It seems exceedingly difficult, especially given that there were no liquids involved to wash down what’s fundamentally a mudslide of caloric self-destruction. But I remember seeing an ex I lived with pound back significant portions of a jar during some of her wallowing periods. Competitive eating is one thing, but eating away the pain of dating me…that’s a far stronger motivating factor than any YouTube fame could ever be. Some say if you eat through far enough, I magically disappear!

Competitive Eater Eats Entire Jar Of Nutella [Viral Viral Videos]

But credit where credit’s due to the folks who run the advertising over in Sweden and who decided to put a giant phone-controlled, video-game billboard in the middle of Stockholm.

Basically, as you can see in the video below, users can play a game of public pong by linking their phones up with the giant advertisement.

If someone can keep the ball bouncing for 30 seconds or more, they get an electronic coupon for whatever delicious McDonald’s item they pre-selected (it looked like ice cream, fries or some sort of burger).

Which is probably why it’s called the “Pick n’ Play.” And while I’m skeptical of precisely how a user knows that they’re actually the person controlling it in a fairly large crowd … well, hey, whatever gets people inside a McDonald’s.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

It’s staggering to see the number of “men” out there who don’t know how to cook. In this day and age, guys should not go for takeout every single night. Cooking is an essential skill. It’s not even that hard to learn either. Most of the time it’s just being able to read a simple recipe, throw it in a pan, and enjoy. Consider yourself incomplete in your manhood if you don’t have at least a few dishes under your belt. Here are seven dishes that are so simple that every single guy on this planet should know how to make them.

7 Roasted Chicken
This dish could be the easiest thing ever to make. Really all you need to buy is a chicken, rub in some salt and pepper and throw it in the oven until it’s nice and crispy. Throw in some hot sauce, serve it with some bread and a salad and you’re good to go. The best thing about this dish is that it can literally feed one person for days.

6 Spaghetti Bolognese
Again, something with minimal ingredients and cooking time. A tried and true classic, spaghetti with meat sauce just requires some pasta, sauce, garlic, and some meat. The whole thing will probably take around 30 minutes or less. You can tear yourself away from XBox long enough to make yourself some food right? It’s not rocket science.

5 Quesadillas
If you’re feeling like some Mexican tonight, for the love of all that is holy please forgo Taco Bell. Making a quesadilla is so incredibly easy and good that it’s a crime to pay for some microwave heated schlock instead. You can even use your toaster to make sure you don’t burn your tortilla, this dish is idiot-proof.

4 Grilled Cheese
Bread. Butter. Cheese. That’s it. Seriously, if you don’t know how to make grilled cheese, we can’t do anything to help you. One of your very favorite childhood dishes is at your fingertips. It can make a great late-night snack, or even a nice little Saturday morning brunch.

3 Grilled Chicken Salad
For this, the most cooking that needs to be done is to grill the chicken. For the rest, you can really just throw whatever you want (vegetables, croutons, nuts) into a salad bowl and mix it up. Since it’s the summertime, you can put some fresh baby tomatoes, and fruit in there for a picnic-style salad. It’s easy and even a little bit healthy too.

2 Pork chops
Yet another dish that can be made with just a pan, oil, pork, and some salt and pepper. Breading and seasoning may be a little too intense for some of you beginners out there so really you just have to worry about the basics. The actual cooking time takes about 10 minutes (5-6 minutes per side) and voila you’ve got yourself a classic meaty meal.

1 Burgers
Yes. A burger. The simplest, most delicious meal you can make with your own two hands. There’s something really nice about being able to form the patties by yourself, throwing them on the grill and cooking them to bleeding perfection. Throw some spices in there while you’re at it. Anything from chili powder to BBQ sauce works. Have fun with it. Suck it, McDonalds.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

In terms of the advancement of food technology, humans have come a long way from clubbing a bison over the head and eating it raw. But with that tremendous growth comes some failure. These are the 13 worst food innovations of all-time.

13 The McLobster
The McLobster is a seasonal McDonald’s item only offered during the summer in select New England and Canadian restaurant locations. This makes sense, because only Canadians would be whacked out enough to want to head to McDonald’s for their lobster fix. The item is essentially some lobster bits and lettuce on a hot dog bun – not exactly my idea of a culinary delight.

12 Gerber Singles
Have you ever longed to eat baby food as an adult, but just couldn’t find a pureed vegetable product to meet your needs? If so, then you probably long for the days of 1974 – the year Gerber released Gerber Singles. Inexplicably, these larger single-servings of their popular baby foods were marketed at college students and other young adults. Unfortunately for Gerber, not even America’s youth is dumb enough to eat baby food.

11 Life Savers Holes
Released in the 1990s, Life Savers Holes are ostensibly for those of us who enjoy the great taste of Life Savers, yet just don’t have the appetite to eat an entire one all at once. Available in peppermint and butterscotch flavors, Life Savers gave it the old college try with this one. However, as with many brand extension, one simply must ask the question, “why mess with a good thing?”

10 Heinz EZ Squirt Colored Ketchup
Apparently, red ketchup isn’t radical enough for the kids of the 21st century. At least, that’s what Heinz believed. Introduced in 2000, Heinze EZ Squirt gave the heebie-jeebies to adults everywhere by turning their favorite condiment into such ungodly colors as green, purple orange and blue. Thankfully, these bastards of the condiment aisle were discontinued in 2006.

9 Celery Jello
Everyone loves the great taste of celery! Back in the 1960s, the folks at Jello made a major push to bring the product to the dinner table as a side dish rather than a dessert. Though marketed as a great complement to dinner salads, it’s not too hard to see why celery Jello failed miserably.

8 Coors Rocky Mountain Spring Water
Have you ever wanted to legally drink a Coors product while driving down the highway? Well, such a dream became a reality in 1990, when the beer seller introduced Coors Rocky Mountain Spring Water. As Coors soon found out, no one in their right mind would ever willingly purchase a non-alcoholic Coors product.

7 Sylvester Stallone Pudding
If there is two things this world loves, it’s Sylvester Stallone and pudding. Scheming to capitalize on this clear association, Stallone released a high-protein pudding dessert in 2009 that is marketed at bodybuilders. You know, because we all know how much pudding those muscle-bound meat heads eat.

6 Cheetos Lip Balm
Finally, the great taste of Cheetos in tube form. Yes, this brand extension debuted in 2009 and finally brought the world what nobody had been asking for – cheese-flavored chapstick. Something tells me not even Chester Cheetah himself would rub this horrendous product all over his lips.

5 Colgate Kitchen Entrees
Clearly, Colgate overstepped their boundaries when they decided to create an actual product that isn’t harmful if swallowed. Unlike the fresh flavors of Colgate toothpaste, the idea of eating a Colgate kitchen entrée left a bad taste in people’s mouths. Not surprisingly, the product launch was an unmitigated disaster.

4 New Coke
The is the mother of all giant product fails. Despite the fact that market research proved New Coke was preferred over the original recipe, the world had already become accustomed to Coke’s decades-old flavor. Given this fact, New Coke was met with vehement disdain and ultimately removed from shelves.

3 Life Savers Soda
Life Savers makes the list a second time with Life Savers Soda. Released around the same time as Life Savers Holes, this drinkable option proved even less desirable. Available in the same five flavors as the candy, the idea of grape or orange soda doesn’t seem all that bad. However, the idea of drinking candy is a little less unsettling.

2 Pork Brains in Milk Gravy
Pork brains…and milk gravy…together at last! If you live in the Southern U.S., then you may be able to find this delectable canned product from Armour in your local grocery store. Check the nutritional products on the can, and you’ll be glad to learn that one serving offers 1170 percent of your daily cholesterol intake.

1 Lay’s WOW Potato Chips
Any food product that comes “may cause anal leakage” is a product destined for failure. Introduced in 1998, these fat-free chips were manufactured with a fat substitute called Olestra. As it turned out, people loved the idea of fat free chips. What they didn’t like, however, was the hour spent on the toilet after consumption.

So, the Corn Kerneler, an invention by the folks at Plow and Hearth, makes me a little angry.

Why? It’s threatening our way of life unlike like a tubular terrorist amidst our very own people.

Lest you think I’m overreacting, witness the description:

Enjoy fresh corn without the mess of eating from the cob. With our Corn Kerneler, you can easily remove corn kernels from the cob in one quick motion. Just place the Kerneler at the narrow end of the cob and push straight down. Stainless steel blades quickly and easily remove the kernels, which then collect neatly in the basin of the Kerneler. Pour kernels out and start again. Corn Kerneler basin holds about two ears’ worth of kernels.

Look, I’m as lazy as the next guy, and, in fact, probably lazier than the next guy.

But there’s something pleasantly patriotic about corn-on-the-cob, and I don’t want it being destroyed by some sort of new-fangled technology hell bent on taking away the one thing that makes a particular form of food great.

Also, perhaps you’ve heard of a knife?

Corn Kerneler – Plow and Hearth
Enjoy Corn Off the Cobb – [Incredible Things]

Oh yeah, and there’s also this one of some chick crying at the sheer glory of In-N-Out.

Point being: People take In-N-Out way too seriously. It’s a burger. A well-made burger, sure. But it’s still just meat, lettuce, tomato, and cheese in two slices of bread. Is this burger going to make me see God or force me to ejaculate in some way? Maybe. But I’m not waiting in a seven hour long line to find out when I can just pop a shroom and have sex with a pack of ground beef for the same effect. No fries though. Seems like a dangerous combination with the shrooms and ground beef sex.

The key takeaways here are that everything from marshmallows to pickles works pretty well with pepperoni. Pepperoni is such an underrated MVP of a good pizza.

I especially enjoyed how beaten everyone got by the end of the video, occasionally openly cursing Michaelangelo and everything he stands for. I was always more of a Raphael guy anyway. Dry wit and violent but fast stabbings? It’s what my family crest should consist of.

Take the Michelangelo-TMNT Pizza Taste Test [Vulture]

So, my friends, rejoice, for it is vanilla- AND chocolate-cremey goodness.

Yes, the TDO is like a double stack of Oreo, only one of the layers is chocolate and one of the layers is vanilla. And it made it’s way into the world (or at least, the admission made its way into the world) via a Reddit user with a friend who “test-eats” Nabisco’s products.

He posted a picture online of the packaging that his buddy got, the news blew up, and Keith Wagstaff of Today’s “Bites” blog went out and tracked down confirmation that such a product is for realsies.

“Yes, the rumors are true,”  Basil T. Maglari, associate director of corporate affairs for Nabisco, told Wagstaff.

And then Nabisco released an official statement.

“This summer, Oreo will introduce a new ‘twist’ on the iconic cookie: the Triple Double Oreo,” a Nabisco spokesperson said. “Three chocolate Oreo wafers with two layers of creme — one classic vanilla, and one chocolate. While we tried our best to safeguard this news, we couldn’t hold back the buzz.”

Boo-ya!

So, what’s left now? Besides waiting for summer anyway? How about we get Nabisco to fire up a mint-chocolate-filled Triple-Double?

Because that would be pretty swell. This’ll do for now though.

New Oreo Confirmed and It’s Bigger Than Ever – [Today]