Magic is pretty cool to see in person, but I feel like it’s lost its luster lately. Nothing against Criss Angel, but when that’s pretty much the only known magic act around, you may need to reimagine your industry. But with stunning new acts like this, well, I’d say magic ]]>

Magic is pretty cool to see in person, but I feel like it’s lost its luster lately. Nothing against Criss Angel, but when that’s pretty much the only known magic act around, you may need to reimagine your industry. But with stunning new acts like this, well, I’d say magic is BACK!

Truly amazing. You can kind of tell it’s fake if you look closely…her cervix totally had a mirror on it.

I definitely believe in real magic though and it’s always got evil powering it. I saw a man get hit by a car once and he really got hurt. As he lied there in the street, blood began to slowly trickle from his forehead. Some guy claiming to be a doctor came over and stopped the bleeding, so naturally I ran over and yelled at him, accusing him of practicing witchcraft. Anyway, after stomping on the accident victim’s head to organize the balance of things, he summoned some sort of uniformed guard who “arrested” me for “assault” and “disorderly ‘conduct.’” Stupid wizards and their evil deceptions.

In what is quickly becoming the least eventful “will she or won’t she” situation since my ex-girlfriend was contemplating an abortion days after I’d already used my Bissell vacuum to suck the fetus out in her sleep, outlets are reporting that Hillary Clinton is dropping her presidential ]]>

In what is quickly becoming the least eventful “will she or won’t she” situation since my ex-girlfriend was contemplating an abortion days after I’d already used my Bissell vacuum to suck the fetus out in her sleep, outlets are reporting that Hillary Clinton is dropping her presidential bid. Unless she doesn’t.

Hillary Rodham Clinton will concede Tuesday night that Barack Obama has the delegates to secure the Democratic nomination, campaign officials said, effectively ending her bid to be the nation’s first female president.

Wow that’s pretty authoritative. But what does that second article say…

Sen. Hillary Clinton’s is “absolutely not” prepared to concede the race for the Democratic presidential nomination to Sen. Barack Obama, her campaign chairman said.

Terry McAuliffe rejected as “100 percent” incorrect an Associated Press report that Clinton is preparing to acknowledge that Obama has the delegates to win the nomination Tuesday night as the five-month Democratic primary process comes to a close.

That also seems pretty confident! I don’t know who to believe! Will my love of wire services overcome my love of cable-based news? Or will my desire to see Hillary Clinton hit by a meteor (which is what I presume will happen to her since she has the meaty build of a stegosaurus) win out over my hunger for a sandwich? So conflicted!

…I’m not gonna lie, I feel like I wasted my good punchline on top before the link. But what am I going to do, sit here and “revise” posts like some asshole “professional writer” or someone who “takes pride in his work”? Bah. You think too highly of me.