Guyism » Fruit

Bananas are jerks

Chris Spags — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 13:10:37 +0000

I’m a big fan of absurdist situations. Like when a woman accused me of fathering her child and I went, “BWA HA I’M THE MAGIC MAN” and threw sulfuric acid at her. It didn’t come off as whimsical as it was in my head. Anyway here’s a guy in a huge banana costume scaring people.

I remember the first time I encountered a living banana. I stared into its cold, dead eyes. It had a smile, but it wasn’t one that indicated warmth or love. It was the most menacing showing of teeth a fruit has ever exhibited. I pulled up closer to it. I could smell the potassium floating off its skin. The banana didn’t blink. Its doll eyes stared blankly into me, wondering whether I would wilt like the rest or be able to withstand the horrors of even being in its presence. I looked down at its pajamas and noticed a button unbuttoned. The banana was aroused by the fear it sensed in my heart. I darted out of the room, having often heard what a banana will do to you when it’s in heat. But it was too late. This banana had me. So I’m there, being taken advantage of by a banana and I can’t help but wonder…will this count towards my daily dose of fruit?

Watermelon

Chris Spags — Fri, 22 May 2009 14:10:57 +0000

Via Channelate comes this comic about the power of mind over matter.

Man, do I wish I had this trick about seven minutes ago at the rest stop. That burger I got from Roy Rogers tasted like feet and bovine depression.

See? Bet you thought I was going with a cock in the glory hole joke there. But I’ll have you know that the penises at the I-80 Exit 24 rest stop are fresh and nutritious. I-80: Because no one can hear the closet door open on the open road.

Woman crushes watermelon with boobs

Chris Spags — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 14:00:25 +0000

Women are good for lots of things (put change in your lady friend’s vagina…bam! No jingling pockets!) but who knew that smashing fruit like a busty Gallagher fell under that umbrella?

Boobs, what can’t you do? Well, other than provide women with the ability to drive well or not buy shoes every week or make equal salary. But other than those, the possibilities are endless.

For the record, it’s probably a bit unfair to subject your wife to something like this since she doesn’t have boobs the size and volume of a cheap bowling bowl like the woman in the video, but still. The only way to achieve the unthinkable is by pushing yourself. Also it’d be pretty awesome to have your wife’s boobs be able to turn all your trash into compact cubes like Wall-E.

Fruit is pretty sexy

Chris Spags — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 20:41:15 +0000

Something about this ad for Brazilian motel “The Charm Motel” (can I put motel into this sentence more times? Motel motel motel) made me all giddy in my groin. I wonder why.

I say this without a twinge of sarcasm…I have never so badly wanted to have sex with an orange. Unless we’re talking about Obie, the Fed-Ex Orange Bowl Mascot. Yeah, you’re a slutty little anthropomorphic orange aren’t you? You don’t care what people say and your crown will find its way to the lap of anyone willing to pay you a little attention. You really put the O in Obie.

If 2 girls 1 cup has taught us anything, it’s that Brazilian people are very well-adjusted sexually. I’d be shocked if at least one of these items of produce above didn’t find their way into some sort of gaping orifice. Disappointed, really.

The Cookie Monster was on Stephen Colbert

Chris Spags — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 16:21:47 +0000

So I just caught up with Thursday’s episode of The Colbert Report and holy crap am I sad I didn’t get to this sooner. Colbert discussed the recent study that showed that fruit had usurped cookies as the #1 snack for kids. And then accused the Cookie Monster of pushing a pro-fruit agenda. So imagine his surprise when the Cookie Monster made a guest appearance to rebut!

Nothing I say here would possibly be funnier so yeah…fruit is for fags.