The Washington Post points out that the Times of India has done this before; a previous joke referenced a racial epithet for black people.

If I were a woman in India, a country in which 70% of women find themselves a victim of domestic violence, I’d probably be livid. Especially because these jokes are right next to the latest comics from “Hi and Lois” and “Cathy.” That page has more atrocities against women than a week’s worth of MSNBC’s overnight programming.

Joke about Chris Brown beating women appears in Times of India [Washington Post]

I can only presume that Michelle’s surname is “Menendez.”

The most unintentionally threatening Valentine’s Day card ever written by a child. [Happy Place]

Personally, I hope all the hungry people were brought to the charity event and forced to watch this. That way, the delusional people who’d do this in the first place could binge on baked goods, faces covered in dough and cream, all the while giving emaciated starving people a thumbs up. “I’m doing this for you, friend!”

Maybe the poor people can get a wrapper or something. “We’re not totally unaware, you know?”

The Worst Way To Benefit The Hungry [Buzzfeed]

You can see the rest of the photos of Miley with the penis cake at TMZ. Spoiler alert: She really gets into it.

Between this cake and the penis-shaped Hannah Montana gummy candy, there’s no denying that Miley has the market cornered on delicious penis desserts and sweets. You earned it, kid.

You can see more images at Buzzfeed.

If I were Butthead, I’d be pretty pissed at my local hair stylist. That taper is way too high. Did he even go to a reputable hair academy? Disgraceful.

Not a particularly compelling story beyond the wardrobe choices involved, but you can read more about the arrest at RecordPub.com.

T-Shirt Makes Creepy Child Pornography Mugshot Creepier [Buzzfeed]

Context: Janet Jackson said Jay Leno needs to work out more. Leno was looking for exercises to do on his motorcycles. Jackson brought in her trainer, Tony. Tony suggested using a motorcycle as leverage. Janet Jackson’s answer to every situation is to give someone a handjob (I presume).

So we get a $250,000 fine for when Justin Timberlake unearths one of Janet Jackson’s nipples but this goes unpunished? Logical.

Either way, I hope I can get that guy Tony to be a hype man the next time I get a simulated handjob. Makes it much less depressing to be reliving the most unsatisfying moments of 8th grade.

Not to discredit a poll consisting of a group of people — less in number than your average WNBA game — on their selection of celebrity body parts, but doesn’t this chick look a little weird? I mean you’d do her, I’m sure. But I wouldn’t savor it as much as I’d hope I’d savor banging out the “perfect woman.”

Plus you could slap Kelly Brook’s boobs on anyone and I’d probably have sex with them. An ugly chick, some guy named Pedro, a lemur..doesn’t matter. Hardly a fair advantage for this composite fictional person I’m analyzing for reasons I’m not entirely clear on.

Is this the ultimate woman? Technology merges best parts of some of the world’s most beautiful celebrities [DailyMail]

What they lack in proper usage of English or conventional business practices, they more than make up for in exuberance.

It’s no ordinary sale. It’s a FUCKIN’ SALE! [Japan Subculture via Gawker]

The picture above (gracefully covered with a hot dog to protect your innocent eyes from French dong) was featured on the La Redoute Web site on a listing for short sleeved boys’ shirts.

The retailer pulled the picture and issued an apology on their Facebook page, saying, “Nous allons renforcer le processus de validation de l’ensemble des communications de la marque pour que cela ne puisse se reproduire à l’avenir.” I presume that translates to “Sorry for all the dick, y’all.”*

It’s unclear as to what the man pictured thinks about all of this. Typical of society…never thinking about the man showing his dong behind some kids.

*It actually means “We will strengthen the validation process of all brand communications for this can not happen again in the future.” But still.

French Online Retailer Features Naked Man In Ad For Children’s T-Shirts [The Gloss]

I suppose this means that Piperlime doesn’t want women to buy the sweatpants they sell on their Web site either. They probably just sell them to send people over to the houses of those who order them with the intent of kicking those women in the ovaries.

Rest easy, sweatpants-loving female readers. You show me a man who doesn’t like you in tight-fitting sweatpants and I’ll show you a man who doesn’t appreciate an accentuated ass and quick access to your nether regions i.e. a man who should be eliminated from the gene pool.

NYC Coffee Cup Wrap Ad Of The Day [Copyranter via Jezebel]

Photo Credit: Terry Parris, Jr. for Patch

Hyperlocal reporting: It just makes sense.

More choice pictures of the breaking squirrel/taco confrontation below. See the full gallery at Patch.

You can see even more of these photos at Buzzfeed.

Reddit also points us to this collection of Photoshops from our friends at The Chive with what seems to be the same girl.

This girl is either the world’s finest troll or might have the most distorted view of reality society has ever seen. I’m really rooting for the latter. I enjoy terrifying people on the Internet as much as anyone, but there’s a point where even if it were intended to be funny, it still comes full circle back to being creepy. It’s like when you play ‘Gay Chicken’ with someone and they refuse to back down and you end up in a vaguely homosexual situation; just because it started ironically doesn’t mean the end result isn’t exactly what it looks like.

This Girl Really Likes Robert Pattinson [Buzzfeed]

Hey, I don’t blame any of these outlets. It’s not an easy name to spell. Before I did some Googling, I was planning on spelling his name in this article with a smiley face emoticon and an ASCII drawing of a naked man holding his genitals. In hindsight, that definitely seems like it’d be in poor taste.

Click the image for a full-sized version

Either way, any lovely ladies out there who have been pining for a man who’ll treat her right and “half a good tim,” you can find our OkCupid lothario here.

As someone who has spent a great deal of time analyzing Alison Brie, it definitely took a couple glances to tell the difference. I mean, you could certainly rub one out to either in a pinch. But still.

The answer? The right picture would be the sweet jubblies of Ms. Brie while the left would be the well-toned glutes of Msgr. McHale.

You can see the hilarious reactions of the Community cast at Buzzfeed.

Other things not to do:

-Poke holes in them for breathability
-Use them as protective gloves while you clean your pet African monkey before sex
-Chew on them like bubble gum to test their durability
-Cut off the sides so you can show off your penis’s muscles

And so on. Glad we had this talk.

I was about to try one on until I saw this attention sign… [Reddit via Consumerist]

Maybe this lady is just smarter than all of us. She’s getting her daily nutritional requirements of eggs, oil, and, uh, whatever other disgusting things are there swimming around in mayo. Plus it’s probably the same consistency as the blood coursing through her veins, making for great fuel efficiency.

I salute you, Creepy Bus Mayo Lady. You’re onto something. That something may angina, but it’s something.

This Picture Gives Me Chills [Buzzfeed]

There are a lot of problems here. First of all, the day I sleep with a woman who willfully refers to herself as “Laskas,” let alone allow her to train me, is the day that I introduce myself to a real life game of Mouse Trap that ends with me taking a shotgun blast to the face.

Second of all, even if this is entirely tongue-in-cheek and Jeanne Marie Laskas is the parody voice for our generation, doing in Reader’s Digest with others did in Spy years back, it’s not really parody when the idiots reading it think it’s real. Like I bet this “Lady and the Tramp” is spending her days and nights whacking her husband on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and feeding him delicious bacon and cheese treats. While the latter is acceptable and appreciated, the former is an insult to our people.

Shame on all involved parties. No justice, no belly rubs, no peace.

Reader’s Digest Advice: Train Your Husband [Buzzfeed]

Photo Credit: J. McKinley

That poor chair. It had three days until retirement.