Guyism » Funny pictures

Bill Clinton with porn stars is Quintessentially Clinton

Chris Spags — Thu, 24 May 2012 14:20:45 +0000

Bill Clinton may not have been aware that the women taking this photo with him are adult film stars Tasha Reign and Brooklyn Lee. But then again, maybe he specifically requested it! I guess we’ll never know.

Photo Credit: @brooklynleexxx

The next tweet on Lee’s timeline says:

“Photo: @brooklynleexxx and her first #MrAnal. Check out this pic of her sexy *** before it gets pounded!”

What a perfect juxtaposition.

Little kid’s to-do list is adorable, probably not particularly helpful

Chris Spags — Wed, 23 May 2012 20:20:01 +0000

This to-do list from a little kid probably looks not unlike most of yours if you were being honest with yourself.

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This list could also serve as the property of a moderately functional alcoholic. Worth noting.

Abstinence pamphlet has the best reason to not have sex

Chris Spags — Tue, 22 May 2012 19:30:45 +0000

Looking for reasons to stay abstinent? Or, more likely, use abstinence as an excuse as to why you’re not getting any? Your search ends at #18 on the list in this abstinence pamphlet.

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The list probably could have ended there instead of at whatever #101 is. Why chase human interaction and adding to the Earth’s population when you can play Diablo III and rub one out with an alarming amount of ease? You’re just beating a dead horse after that — and not in the sexy ways you can also find on the Internet.

Girls named Nguyen plot clever combo yearbook quote

Chris Spags — Thu, 17 May 2012 16:45:30 +0000

What do you do when you share your last name with seven other girls? You troll everyone by combining your yearbook quotes like some sort of clever Megazord. Way to go, Nguyen girls.

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I was kind of hoping they’d go a little darker and say something like “We know what you’re thinking. And yes, we will destroy you.” But, hey, I see no reason why high school girls will start doing what I want now after ignoring my pleas and offers of goods and services for years.

Little girl writes threatening note about Internet passwords

Chris Spags — Wed, 16 May 2012 18:45:46 +0000

You will not want to cross the unidentified seven-year-old girl in this note, particularly if it’s over you trying to prevent her from accessing the Web. She’s like the Dexter of password-protected Internet.

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Good for you, kid. If you want to watch 2 Girls 1 Cup on a loop instead of learning your ABCs or long division, that’s your right as an American. And probably a mandatory part of your education if you’re a Brazilian. They teach 2 Girls 1 Cup in social studies there.

Mother’s Day card is thoughtful, completely inappropriate

Chris Spags — Mon, 14 May 2012 17:20:54 +0000

Yesterday was Mother’s Day and, if you’re like me, you spent negative three seconds of effort selecting a generic card for the special woman in your life. The mom in this picture is the perfect example of what half-assery like that can result in.

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Clearly the dad who picked out this card doesn’t see color. Or the bottom halves of greeting cards. That’s what racial harmony is all about.

This is an otter that looks like Tracy Morgan

Chris Spags — Wed, 09 May 2012 14:40:24 +0000

Tracy Morgan is a person. This otter is, presumably, an otter. That doesn’t stop them from sharing a very similar physical appearance. Take a look.

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If only Brian Fellows were still around to provide his opinion on this.

Best Buy computer form filled out by customer ends in hilarity

Chris Spags — Tue, 08 May 2012 00:00:23 +0000

These Best Buy computer worksheet forms are supposed to be filled out by an employee. After seeing how a customer filled this one out, you can probably guess why.

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Well no wonder this guy needs help picking out a computer. I imagine trying to get any work done on Daffy Duck would be complicated. Unless you’re researching the mating habits of the Anatidae bioligical families. Then shit just got real.

8 photos of the other ‘Avengers’ looking lovingly at Scarlett Johansson

Chris Spags — Fri, 04 May 2012 16:20:28 +0000

Scarlett Johansson is a very attractive woman with a long and storied history of people staring at her. Her fellow castmates in The Avengers are no exception to her vortex of beauty. Here they all are looking lovingly at her.

1.

Jeremy Renner doesn’t even hide it.

2.

Chris Evans with the derpish look of love.

3.

“SHE TOUCHED ME!! *flail*”

4.

Finally, something these warring brothers can agree on.

5.

Such a bro.

6.

Mark Ruffalo is too shy to tell Scarlett how he really feels…

7.

..but his eyes have no such problem.

8.

If an asteroid struck the earth at that one moment, Tom Hiddleston would have had no regrets.

And now we know why Robert Downey, Jr.’s Tony Stark character often wears sunglasses. Nothing exists of him being even remotely swayed by Scarlett’s hypnotic powers. Well played, Iron Man.

Inappropriate Lego for Beginners toy is happy to see you

Chris Spags — Thu, 03 May 2012 20:30:17 +0000

A simple miscalculation on assembling the Lego Man in this Lego for Beginners pack will lead you to this hilarious sort-of-NSFW-but-not-really-because-he’s-a-Lego-person result.

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Good for this Lego man. He may not be able to sling it around as enthusiastically as all the Lego ladies would like, but man is he going to impress the other Lego guys in the shower. Until they ask him why his erection is up and bountiful. Then they’ll either be horrified or completely on board. That’s when it’s Lego Man’s time to shine.

Roommates leave vicious notes for one another in most awkward apartment ever

Chris Spags — Thu, 03 May 2012 00:00:44 +0000

When leaving a note for your roommates telling them you’re so mad at them and that they’re not your friends, you should probably make sure they’re actually your friend. Otherwise you end up in a Mexican stand-off of passive aggressive notes like these.

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“Caley” and “Ayesha” in one apartment? Apparently unique misspellings of names doesn’t count as “something in common” in the very particular eyes of Ms. Ayesha.

I’m bummed because there goes my plan to name all of the daughters I have in my lifetime “Ayesha”. A slash eye smiley face with an extremely mean note? You’ve besmirched your people, ma’am.

Things Patricia Krentcil, the 44-year-old tanning mom, looks like

Chris Spags — Wed, 02 May 2012 17:40:52 +0000

Patricia Krentcil, the 44-year-old New Jersey mother making headlines for allegedly taking her five-year-old daughter tanning and getting arrested as a result, loves tanning. You might not be able to tell by her fair complexion.

Here’s a picture of Krentcil with her daughter in happier times:

Krentcil appeared on NBC’s Today this morning (the source of our first screencap up top). She also has been in the NY Post and numerous local outlets after being arrested for the tanning salon incident that allegedly left her daughter sunburned (though Krentcil denies the allegations).

Potentially negligent parenting aside, here’s the bigger question: What does Krentcil look like in her currently fricasseed state?

Our best guesses:

Early Hulk Hogan.

This piece of tree bark.

Sunburn Pauly D.

A pile of dark chocolate.

Burning Man.

A poorly cooked turkey.

A particularly preachy Smokey the Bear poster.

The bear jars of honey come in.

Every successful bodybuilder in the history of society.

Particularly delicious beef jerky.

The Cryptkeeper from Tales from the Crypt.

Feel free to add yours in the comments!

First grader’s picture should be your daily inspiration

Chris Spags — Wed, 02 May 2012 13:40:55 +0000

This kid is like a modern day prophet. Or, at the very least, a Capri Sun-drinking version of that viral Louis CK video about how everything’s amazing and no one is happy.

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And..cue various corners of the Internet calling this kid a Communist for not embracing consumerism and big business. “Rainbows don’t keep China from enslaving us all,” yells an angry older man whose face is lit by both the glow of his computer screen and his misguided rage.

Tippers leave waitress snotty note with two pennies

Chris Spags — Tue, 01 May 2012 13:30:56 +0000

Maybe I’m just sympathetic to the plight of those working in the service industry, but this note left for a waitress seems kind of cruel. What do you think?

The tone of the note bothers me the most, I think. Maybe she’s a crappy waitress. But maybe she had too many customers that night or her boss was being a dick or she just found out she has syphilis of the tongue. It just seems like leaving a snotty note with two pennies is way more trouble than it’s worth. Like you’re doing it to go, “Look at me! I’m taking a stand, sticking up for the little guy against these bully waitresses making less than minimum wage!”

Plus any note that opens with “____ 101″ should probably result in the person writing it being shanked in a parking lot. Just my two cents, you guys!

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ book dissected by 50 Shades of Suck tumblr

Chris Spags — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 19:30:12 +0000

Fifty Shades of Grey is the new sexual book (with BDSM roots) that some woman in your life is currently reading. Unfortunately, the writer E L James is actually kind of awful, as illustrated by new Tumblr ’50 Shades of Suck’. Take a look at our favorite snippets.

Reminder: Fifty Shades of Grey was originally created as barely literate Twilight fan fiction. You should heartily judge every woman you know who’s read it and raves about it. /PSA

Nicholas Sparks book covers reveal all you need to know about women

Chris Spags — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 16:20:02 +0000

Want to know how to get the girl of your dreams? Take a lesson from chick-lit author extraordinaire, Nicholas Sparks: Act like every single guy on the cover of his books.

Women: They love face grabbing. Not the kind in Alien though. Believe me, learned that one the hard way.

This is a man doing a full straddle split

Chris Spags — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 00:00:37 +0000

This guy certainly doesn’t look particularly athletic. Yet here he is, casually doing a full straddle split. Commence the feeling bad about yourself!

And there’s a video!

You can see even more sexy men doing split photos on this guy’s Flickr page. It’s kind of ridiculous how flexible he is.

In other news, it makes me sad that this guy will probably pan out more as an athlete than all of the Cowboys’ draft picks tonight. Sigh.

Insane Splits Guy Will Make Your Groin Hurt [Buzzfeed]

Pictureless Pinterest is a Twitter for Pinterest…without pictures

Chris Spags — Wed, 25 Apr 2012 17:20:01 +0000

I think a lot of people who aren’t women aged 25-45 are still struggling to figure out what’s the big deal about Pinterest. Fortunately, a Twitter account called Pictureless Pinterest helps show the massive appeal.

It’s like Horse_ebooks for our generation.

Pictureless Pinterest [Stuff I Stole from the Internet]

Virginia man seeks trophy wife on Craigslist with creepy ad in ‘Writing Jobs’ section

Chris Spags — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 17:30:03 +0000

An Ashburn, Va. man is seeking a trophy wife and, naturally, Craigslist seems like a great place to start. Here’s the ad he placed. Spoiler alert: It’s awful.

Click for full-size

And here’s the text:

Trophy Wife (Ashburn, VA)

Wanted: Trophy Wife. . .

I am looking to fill an immediate opening in my home, as soon as possible. The position will be demanding, but the perks of the job will absolutely outweigh the stresses of the day. Any applicants must be willing to perform a few simple day to day tasks. . .

First is to wake up every day in my arms. And even after we wake to lay there and enjoy that feeling of love and happiness. Before the kids bust through the doors, before the stress of the day even has a chance to make an appearance. . . just lay. After I am able to tear myself from your arms, you have an option: either enjoy a fine cup of loose leaf tea in bed, or by the fireplace. After. . . you make it through the tea, we get the kids ready for school, as a team. Pack lunches and snacks, get them dressed, breakfast as a family, and then off to catch the bus. At this point, I’ll be off for the day for another day at the office. . . but I will never rush off without holding you in my arms as if it were the last time. . . and just when I am about to let go, hold you for a little longer.

At this point in the day, you have some flexibility. . . you could spend some time catching up on the book you are trying to finish. Or head straight to the gym, in the brand new company car (our your choosing of course). This may include, but is certainly not limited to, any number of Zumba/Yoga/Crossfit/etc classes desired. All membership fees and workout clothes will be included as part of your compensation package. After the gym, please make full use of the whirlpool tub to relax. Or, if you don’t feel like the gym that day, head straight to the mall for some shopping or a pedicure or to get you hair done. . . all on the company credit card.

I hope your work environment will be suitable, as you will have your own corner office, with which you can fully focus on your writing career. Whether you are tinkering with a new concept, or putting the finishing touches on another masterpiece, this will be an ideal space with which to focus.

In the afternoon, you will have to pickup my son from preschool and perform an extremely important task. Have fun. Play in the playroom, take him to the park, play on the swing set, watch a movie with him. . . But be sure to save some of that energy for when my daughter gets off the bus. . .. And then the fun just continues. . . until I return home from the office. At this point I expect to be fully bombarded by my kids. . . dual hug style, knocking me to the floor, hands still full from just coming in the door. Once I regain my composure though, please be ready, because 8 hours of not being able to be by your side will be unbearable and my only thought in that moment will be to kiss you like it was our first and last kiss.

We’ll take turns cooking dinner. . . and often will prepare the meal together. We’ll eat as a family and listen to each other tell the stories of their days. After dinner, we’ll spend time with the kids together. Playing board games, doing homework, practicing instruments, singing songs, doing artwork, reading stories, going for bike rides. . .. After getting the kids off to bed, please be prepared to receive a massage by the fireplace, while the stresses and noises of the day go quiet.

Other perks, in no particular order: surprise picnics, weekend getaways, nights out for movies/dinners/concerts/etc, my singing you songs and leaving you notes, unbounded support for you writing career, boots. . . lots and and lots of boots. . . A true partner, in every sense of the word. . . in life, parenthood, friendship, and love. Finally, it will be my job to create a life with you. . . completely and utterly consumed by both passion and love.

So..here’s a problem. If you’re saying you’re looking for a trophy wife with a “compensation package,” you can probably omit the flowery, Hallmark romanticism from your Craigslist post in the “Writing/Editing Jobs” category. No one who’s desperate enough to accept a glorified live-in hooker/nanny dual career (and what a glorious synergy that is) cares about finding a “true partner” or being “utterly consumed by both passion and love.” They don’t want your “massage by the fireplace” or to be “[held] a little longer.”

As the great philosopher Chris Bridges once told us, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.” He may have rapped that before the advent of Craigslist but I’d wager the postulate still holds true.

The best photo of turtle bitchslapping a woman you’ll ever see

Chris Spags — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 00:38:26 +0000

Via Reddit comes this photo of a girl seemingly getting bitchslapped by the most emotive turtle I’ve ever seen photographed. Must-see pic.

I could not be less interested in turtles or any other reptiles (barring genetic mutations that lead to them being mentored by a rat until they achieve crimefighting ninja glory) but this turtle has really captured my heart. His angrily scowl, his Rick James-like commitment to the art of the bitch slap. Just tremendous work by all involved parties.