Guyism » Germany

VIDEO: Watch the German news hate on gamers something fierce for five solid minutes

Matt Hawkins — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 19:55:34 +0000

Man, and you thought America’s mainstream press is sometimes unfairly harsh on gaming.

The following was a piece that RTL Television ran on last weekend’s Gamescom convention. And it’s beyond harsh…

God, where to start. Despite the obviously rough translation, it’s to imagine “Some days, boys in puberty have to decided whether to buy a shave or a video game from their pocket money. If they decide wrong, they gonna be here” being that much different from what was actually said. Which is something rather flat-out mean. Though I did chuckle, I will admit, at least at the absurdity of such a statement from a new program.

Seriously, some of the questions posed is on par with douchebags that go to conventions and act nice to attendees just so they can hit them with an out of nowhere insult for their silly YouTube clips. But again, this is the news!

Without a doubt the most uncomfortable part is around the 3:35 mark. The interviewer has already gotten one of the booth babes to admit less than favorable opinions of the folks she’s been hired to play nice with; given the aggressive nature of the questioning we’ve seen thus far, it’s not a shock to believe that a combination of hardcore probing and editing is the primary reason why she’s seemingly shooting herself in the foot, so I don’t blame her the last bit.

But then they have the gal to have her make remarks to one such person right to his face. She does her best to be as nice as possible, but the folks behind the camera are pretty unrelenting and flat out rude.

Unfortunately there is one criticism that one cannot defend; it’s not a shock to hear that the place smelled bad. Nerds unfortunately do have poor hygiene.

This German Booth Babe Is Judging You [Kotaku]

1,500 people show up to German teen’s non-private Facebook event

Will Brinson — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 17:00:43 +0000

Facebook events are perhaps the biggest scourge of the entire Internet, Anthony Weiner aside. They’re a constant threat to inboxes everywhere, and usually come from someone you don’t really know or someone you no longer want to be friends with.

But in Germany recently, a Facebook event became a viral sensation thanks to a teen’s inability to make said event private, which resulted in 1,500 people showing up in her backyard for her birthday.

Naturally, like any teenager, “Thessa” freaked out and took off running. (Perhaps she was freaked out by the crowd chanting her name and/or holding signs asking where she was?)

Thankfully though, there were 100 police officers available to control the unruly crowd of nerds.

“Eleven people were temporarily detained, one police officer was injured, dozens of girls wearing flip-flops cut their feet on broken glass and firefighters had to extinguish two small fires at the 16th birthday party in Hamburg,” police spokesman Mirko Streiber said.

But here’s the thing: there were 15,000 people that said they’d show up for the party, so the girl and — I assume — her parents actually got kind of lucky.

Especially if the other 13,500 people were interested in acting like the bunch of freakshows that actually rolled out to the house.

“We had cordoned off the house, some 100 police were on the ground, four of them on horses — but that did not keep the kids from celebrating,” Streiber told the AP. “[T]he party was a hit.”

Except for Thessa anyway.

11 Detained After Unlocked Facebook Party Goes Viral – [The Atlantic]

Two German circus families duel over tent space

Katie Nolan — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 19:40:55 +0000

Germany’s known for a lot of things: beer, fast cars, and more varieties of sausage than there are suggestive jokes to be made about sausage. One thing I didn’t know Germany had a ton of was travelling circus families. But if debates over jurisdiction are getting this heated, soon may come the day where we look to the Fatherland for the newest trends in trapeze artistry.

According to a story from Reuters, two competing circus families engaged in a brawl over tent space on Monday night. The situation escalated to a full-on battle when knives, guns, and batons were used by both camps. Three people from each family were injured, including a 48-year-old man who was shot in the leg, but none of the wounds were serious, said Regensburg police.

Totally not where I thought that was going. When I picture a German circus, I picture an old school freakshow with dudes swallowing knives and spitting fire on audience members with no signs of remorse. I expect to be greeted with a waiver upon entry which absolves the performers of all liability for bodily harm caused during the show. So when you see a story like this, you sort of hope there’s video of a knifethrower going head-to-head with a whip-wielding lion tamer. But no serious injuries? Sounds like a bunch of bearded ladies twirling batons and shooting off flare guns. Really blew the bratwurst on that one, Germany.

German circus families in shootout over tent space [Reuters]

Quote of the Day

Chris Spags — Mon, 13 Dec 2010 16:28:10 +0000

As a purveyor of content on a men’s Web site, I can’t go around condoning castrating other men. But in the case of a German man who castrated a 57-year-old for dating his 17-year-old daughter…well, I understand.

Helmut Seifert, 47, an ethnic German originally from Russia, was enraged when he heard his 17-year-old daughter was having a relationship with Phillip Genscher, 57.

He went to police in the town of Bielefeld where he lives but officers said they were powerless to intervene.

He told police: “I received a phone call anonymously that my daughter was involved with a guy 40 years older than her. You said you couldn’t stop him – so I did.

“I saw it as my duty as a father.”

German man castrates teenage daughter’s 57-year-old boyfriend [Telegraph]

Car sex leads to German couple needing to be rescued from river

Chris Spags — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 19:00:56 +0000

Who doesn’t enjoy the favorite pastime of having sex in the back of a car? But the next time you partake, you should be careful you’re not too close to a body of water, like this German couple who needed to be fished out of a river.

Police said the couple kept the car running to try to stay warm while indulging in a little auto-erotic penetration.

The problem arose when in the midst of fooling around, one of them hit the automatic shift, sending the car careening into the freezing river below.

Fortunately, the couple was rescued within minutes [ED. NOTE: Within minutes? So was there just someone nearby watching them who then was kind enough to call the cops? Helpful, but creepy.]. It’s unclear whether they were able to finish the deed or not.

My question: Do you keep the sex going as your car is going into a river? I mean I understand that lives are on the line and whatever, but there’s pretty little chance you’d be able to stop the car in time anyway. Is a life filled with blue balls really one worth living? I think it’d be worth the trade-off of living with the Snorks if you were able to get your rocks off in such a dangerous situation. That’d definitely be a five-paper-toweler.

German couple rescued from river after kinky car sex [Metro.co.uk]

VIDEO: Drunk guy harasses cop with dildo

Chris Spags — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 17:52:09 +0000

This is a video of a drunken German dude harassing a cop with a pretty pink dildo. What more can I tell you that’d possibly make the clip more appealing?

I just hope for the cop’s sake that the drunkard wasn’t poking him with a used dildo bought in a classified ad. That’s not fun for anyone involved.

Is there anything more embarrassing to get poked with than a pink dildo? I can’t imagine so. Unless it were a black one. But at least then, you’re empowering a group of people — always a goal when whimsically playing with sex toys, I think.

Quote of the Day

Chris Spags — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 16:27:44 +0000

We’ve been discussing the World Cup-perfect-picking octopus here for a couple days. And now, since the octopus picked Spain to beat Germany and then it happened, the Germans want to see the octopus killed and eaten. Those Germans…always so rational, especially about the lives of innocent things!

Some Germans are calling for a public roasting of the oracle octopus who correctly picked the winner of all six of their national soccer team’s World Cup matches — including a bitter defeat to Spain on Wednesday.

Paul, a two-year-old octopus in a German aquarium, turned into a global celebrity for his uncanny ability to predict the winner of all Germany’s matches — even a group stage defeat to Serbia and an ousting by Spain in the semi-finals.

“Nothing beats grilled octopus,” said Dolores Lusch, a Germany fan who works on a Berlin fish stall. “Cut him up in thin slices and grill him on all sides with a dash of lemon juice, olive oil and garlic on it. Delicious!”

Not an ordinarily superstitious people, Germans became believers in Paul’s possible psychic powers. The country was shocked and distraught when he picked Spain to win after tipping German wins over Argentina, England, Ghana and Australia.

German newspapers and websites were filled with suggestions of what to do with Paul — most involved cooking and eating him.

“Throw him in the frying pan,” wrote the Berliner Kurier newspaper in a popular sentiment echoed by Die Welt, Sueddeutsche Zeitung, the Hamburger Abendblatt and other newspapers.

German fans want revenge grilling of oracle octopus [Yahoo]

VIDEO: Hitler reacts to Germany’s loss in the World Cup

A. Isaac — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 13:09:50 +0000

Yesterday, when Spain beat Germany to advance to the World Cup final, I said to myself, “How is Hitler going to handle this tragic news?”

It turns out, he takes bad news rather poorly.

Psychic octopus picks Spain to advance to World Cup finals

Shawn Norris — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 19:29:08 +0000

A German octopus that has correctly picked the winner of all of Gemany’s games so far has decided to go with David Villa and the Spanish national team over Germany in the semi-final match tomorrow.

How do you give 8 middle fingers to an entire nation of people not exactly known for their compassion? You become a gambling cephalopod that may or may not have psychic powers and enjoys footy.

They say Paul chose the winner in nearly 70% of Germany’s games during the 2008 European Championship.

Actually that is pretty impressive. I’m still not convinced I’d call a betting line and let a sea creature tell me how to gamble my money away this week.

He correctly predicted all five of the team’s previous World Cup games – including a shock defeat by Serbia in the group stages.

Here is the deed to my house and my life savings and the pocket watch my grandfather carried during the war–put it all on Spain. I can’t miss an opportunity where I get to take gambling advice from an animal. Animals have a sixth sense when it comes to things like this. I heard Nixon had a psychic goat named “Pickles” that was responsible for getting us out of Vietnam. He got Bob McNamara’s old office.

My point is that if you are going to gamble, you may as well have something logical to blame it on.

During Euro 2008 he wrongly picked Germany as the victor against Spain.

See, already betting with his head and not his heart. That’s the first rule of sports betting. I’m going with Paul the psychic octopus on this one.

His prognosis ahead of Wednesday’s World Cup semi-final was broadcast live on German TV.

Well there go my odds. I hope this thing realizes it’s going to be awfully hard to swim around with 8 broken arms if he is wrong about this.

German ‘psychic’ octopus predicts victory for Spain [BBC News]

German soccer fans erect phallic trophy

A. Isaac — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 20:13:43 +0000

Germany’s World Cup start couldn’t have gone better. In fact, you could say after their 4-0 drumming of Australia, that they looked to be one of the favorites in South Africa. But in a matter of moments against Serbia, a solid German team became uh, flaccid.

After losing Miroslav Klose to a red card, Serbia scored only minutes latter and defeated the heavily favored Germans 1-0. Compounding their problems was a missed penalty kick by Lukas Podolski in the 60th minute.

Oh yea, and their fans, they erected this trophy.

If that’s an exact replica of the World Cup trophy, well then, I think the male dominated FIFA administration has some serious penis envy.

Man uses a puppy and bulldozer to defend himself against Hells Angels

Shawn Norris — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 19:40:54 +0000

In one of the weirdest stories we’ve ever encountered, a man in Germany took umbrage with the infamous biker gang and for reasons still not entirely clear, the man threw a puppy at them, dropped his pants and then tried to make his escape by stealing a bulldozer. It’s the WTF trifecta…

A tale as old as time…

Now, I don’t quite know what would posses someone to even decide to screw with the Hells Angels to begin with. To anyone that has ever read the Hunter S. Thompson book of the same name, it seems like almost no matter what you do, you’d just try and steer clear of any altercations with the group. And even if you did have a problem, maybe you go out and buy a baseball bat or a gun if you are serious about making a statement to these men. You don’t go out and buy a poodle with the intention of using it as a weapon. Even suggesting that at Petland pisses them off. How would you even choose what kind of dog to use in this case. “I need a dog that is quiet, aerodynamic and shows that I mean business.”

“What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell’s Angels is currently unclear,” said a spokesman for local police. He said the student had lately been suffering from depression.

A brick, a grenade or a huge rock–those are things that you throw at biker gangs to get their attention! Not a puppy! Depression or no depression, this dude needs to have his head examined.

Then, after his puppy-based crimes, he dropped his pants (hey, everyone needs an encore) and ran to a construction site where he stole a bulldozer to drive back to his home in Munich, which was far enough away to cause a massive traffic jam that backed up traffic for hours. Apparently bulldozers aren’t meant for cruising down the interstate. I don’t know what the guy was thinking but this has to be the worst planned crime in the history of crimes.

The puppy was now in safe hands at a local animal shelter, the spokesman added.

But no word on the man involved in the crime. I will update you all as soon as new information comes in. I will be following this story closely.

German throws puppy at Hells Angels bikers then flees on bulldozer [Telegraph]

The ultimate guide to the sexy fans of the World Cup nations

A. Isaac — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 16:48:13 +0000

The World Cup is more than just a celebration of international soccer. It’s a celebration of scantily clad hot women draped in the flags of their respective countries. So to prepare you for endless round the clock soccer action in South Africa, here’s a look at some of the sexiest fans of every single World Cup nation.

From Algeria and Argentina to Uruguay and the United States.

Algeria

Argentina

Australia

Brazil

Cameroon

Chile

Denmark

England

France

Germany

Ghana

Greece

Honduras

Italy

Ivory Coast

Japan

Don’t miss page 2!!

VIDEO: German kids use a motorcycle to power their merry-go-round

Chris Spags — Tue, 11 May 2010 14:14:02 +0000

Just in case you were thinking of ways to power a merry-go-round to previously untold heights, here’s one way not to attempt it: Using a motorcycle’s wheel to make it go obscenely fast. Money shot is at about 0:38.

I’m assuming the kid was okay. I can’t imagine you’d post your idiocy online if the punchline to the video was “Hey, pretty funny how that kid flew off screen like a ragdoll, right? Yeah well, now he can’t walk and he’ll be eating through a straw for the rest of his life! LMAOOOOOOO.” That’s a type of dark humor I can respect but not totally get on board with. Unless you use the kid as a marionette for another viral video. That’s just good ol’ fashioned fun.

Merry-Go-Round Fail [Buzzfeed]

Being a 1980s German computer guy seems romantic

Chris Spags — Wed, 05 May 2010 18:00:37 +0000

People who work in technology often get an unshakable perception of being a “nerd.” Well, this 1980s German magazine for computer programmers is going to teach you all a lesson about how far off stereotypes can sometimes be.

Say what you will about the absurdity of that magazine cover (or how ungodly large that keyboard is), but there’s no doubting the raw sexual chemistry between the man and woman. A key sign to sexual synchronicity: When a woman seems to be growing a mustache as rich and lush as yours. Be still my aching loins.

Living the Life, Germany 1983 [Gizmodo]

VIDEO: German TV show tries Chatroulette, gets bonered

Chris Spags — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 14:00:07 +0000

If you’ve spent literally 90 seconds on Chatroulette, the odds are probably -450 to 1 that you got to see a man stroking his engorged genitals for no one in particular. One German TV show was apparently unaware of that basic science, leading to this awkward encounter. It’s SFW due to the wonderful usage of mosaics.

Thank God for that well-known German ability to be completely calm under pressure and adverse situations. Never an overreaction from those people, no sir.

This video has to be the greatest thing ever for that cam jacker. Not only did he get to show his self-pleasure to someone, he also got to show it to many German TV viewers and now, the world. But most importantly, he got to show it to you. Yes, you. That was his plan all along. Does that creep you out? It shouldn’t. It winked at you. That means it likes you.

[Thanks Mark for the tip]

Perhaps this would be a good time to stop masturbating

Chris Spags — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:03:19 +0000

Truckdriving seems difficult enough to do on its own. Given that, I can’t imagine ramping up the degree of difficulty by pleasuring yourself while driving, as was the case with one German truck driver who whacked away even after the police got there. Classy.

A German trucker suspected of driving under the influence of drugs crashed his vehicle near Borås in western Sweden on Tuesday. He subsequently admitted to masturbating at the time of the accident.

The trucker, apparently unable to reach a satisfactory climax, then proceeded to continue to pleasure himself while in the midst of a police interrogation, according to the local Borås Tidning newspaper.

“He was masturbating while the police interrogated him,” police prosecutor Åsa Askenbäck told the newspaper.

“He has admitted that he was not paying full attention at the time of the accident. He was playing with himself instead of focusing on the road.”

I think we’ve all been there…you know that point where you’re trying to take care of business, but can’t find the right thing to get off to, so it ends up becoming an hour long affair of you determined to get it done since you’ve come so far (so to speak). If the police wanted him to stop, they probably should have talked dirty to him a little more. Or played with his nipples. Not being able to get off is like a perpetual motion machine.

[TheLocal]

This must have been some wedding

Chris Spags — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 17:39:34 +0000

A German woman in a bridal gown woke up in the back of a car next to a crate of vodka. So, uh, what happened?

A bride in Germany spent her wedding night passed out next to a crate of vodka in the back seat of a car and had to be rescued by police when the BMW began to overheat in the sun.

Police in the western city of Cologne said Monday the inebriated 30-year-old remained unconscious even after they smashed the car window to get her out.

“Only after being shaken several times did she eventually regain consciousness,” police said in a statement.

Still clad in her wedding dress, the dazed woman had to scramble through the broken window because she had no idea where the car keys or her husband were, police said.

It seems like a pretty big assumption to assume that just because she’s in a bridal gown and claiming to have gotten married means that she actually DID get married. I don’t think that disoriented women waking up next to a crate of vodka in the back of a BMW are the most trustworthy of sources for news. In the back of an Audi, sure, but the back of a BMW, no way.

Plus if you were a lonely woman, wouldn’t the most logical thing to do be to dress up in a wedding gown, pass out in your car, then be like, “OMG where is my new husband!!!!” Nothing would get you some pity faster than that. Well, other than being the groom at an actual wedding. It’s like a march to your own hanging, or so every romantic comedy with a jilted bride has led me to believe. I usually stop after the first hour, this way there’s no happy ending. Just like life. *single tear

[via]

Germany knows how to sell Sprite

Chris Spags — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 13:44:39 +0000

When you look at American ads for Sprite and contrast it with this German version, you tell me…which makes you hunger more for the world’s favorite splash of lemon, lime, and acidic bubbles? The video is sort of NSFW.

Man, I am so jonesing for a Sprite right now. Also a big black penis, ideally served near a traditional kitchen. Crazy how effective advertising is sometimes.

Ironically, in a very progressive move, one of the most famous American Sprite commercials was going to incorporate the images in this ad. It was the one with the kid seeing Grant Hill drink Sprite then deciding that, since Grant Hill drinks Sprite that if he drank some, he could dunk just like him, but then the kid hits the front of the rim and presumably ends up paralyzed. The original ending for that commercial had that kid passed out on the floor, only to have 7-Up’s mascot Spot come over and rape-blow him until he blew a load of carbonated deliciousness all over his 1980s sunglasses to show that not only does Sprite satiate the competitor, but also Spot is a rapist with cum on his sunglasses. Would it translate to sales? I guess we’ll never know.

Update: The video isn’t a real ad, like I think we all suspected but I wanted to believe. In related news, how f’ing ridiculous must you feel being the blonde chick knowing that you shot this absurd video and it wasn’t even for anything but some ad director’s amusement? Then again, the only other acting gigs in Germany are crap porn, so take the bookings you can get, I guess.

WTF? 12 year-old German boy is now pretty 16 year-old German girl

Chris Spags — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 15:15:54 +0000

This is one of the weirdest things I’ve seen this year. A German 12 year-old named Tim Petras underwent a sex change four years ago, making him now the foxy 16 year-old girl Kim Petras. This is shim below.

A GIRL believed to be the youngest person in the world to have a sex change is set to become a pop star.

German Kim Petras – originally called Tim – changed sex after she started hormone treatment at the age of just TWELVE.

Now 16 years old Kim is ready to storm the charts with her first album after landing a record deal.

Kim, who is now officially registered as a female and has long blonde hair and blue eyes, said: “My music is most important to me at the moment. It’s the way I can best express myself.

“I know that because of my past people will always bring up the subject, I can’t get away from it.

“But I hope that one day I might be better known for my music than for my past.”

Look, I’ve seen a lot of fed up things in my life including but not limited to a man having sex with a dead moose (Dad was always a great hunter) but WHAT THE F. What kind of parent allows their prepubescent child to make that sort of decision? How come this kid can look like this but usual transexuals look like Dennis Rodman with Nerf balls shoved in his chest? Is it more of that German ingenuity I hear about in Volkswagen commercials? Would Hitler approve of this doe-eyed Aryan “girl”? I have so many questions!

Honestly, it’s scary to have sex with “women” knowing that this sort of deceptive little thing is out there. Even scarier than it was before. Did you know girls bleed from an orifice between their legs every four weeks???? Ewwwwwwwwww! Gross!

German lady looking for wrinkle surgery gets implants instead

Chris Spags — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 13:23:39 +0000

A fun little story from Germany that hurts no one. Well, other than the woman who basically got her life drastically altered for no particular reason because she wanted to look less wrinkly and instead got huge boobs. But f her.

A German woman who wanted her wrinkles removed was given a boob job instead.

Ingrid Bruelling, 33, wanted doctors to give her breasts firmer skin after she lost 200 pounds on a crash diet.

But when she woke up after the operation, she found that doctors had put in silicone implants, increasing her cup size from a C to a D.

The doctors told her the bigger breasts were the best way to achieve the firmer skin.

I’m pretty sure this was a plot of a Simpsons episode. Oh Germany, you’re so uncreative when it comes to not killing Jews.

I’m not going to say their methods are illogical, mind you. I mean by pulling more skin in the breast, one would think that all the skin above it would shift down, making the skin on her face tighter. It’s unorthodox, but dammit it just might work. Plus if I were a doctor, all my solutions would involve giving my patients implants. Irritable bowel? Implants. Urinary tract infection? Implants. Breast cancer? Implants. Then I would make a synchronized swimming team filled with all my patients and we would be the most buoyant team around by far!