Authorities say a St. Louis-bound Southwest Airlines flight was forced to return to Oakland International Airport after a male passenger stripped, hit another passenger and fought with crew members.

Alameda County sheriff’s deputies say flight 947 returned Thursday morning after 21-year-old Darius Chappille of Oakland allegedly exposed himself to the female passenger sitting next to him and punched her in the face.

Lt. Howard Jacobs says flight attendants and other passengers then subdued Chappille, as he disrobed. He was apparently completely naked when sheriff’s deputies arrested him.

Chappille and the woman were taken to the hospital for minor injuries.

Not to state the obvious, but this guy is a real maniac. Not just because he stripped down and punched a woman in the face on an airplane, but because of one key thing missing from the story…nowhere in there does it mention the words “drunk,” “intoxicated,” or even “sleepy.” Because at least then you could blame something else. But when you’re doing all these things in your normal state of mind, you really don’t have an excuse. There is never really a time in which “pull out my wang and punch a lady” will seem like a good idea to a normal person. I mean, unless you’re wearing a Mexican wrestling mask. I, Chris, may not think it’s a good idea, but “El Wangador” Señor Punchero de Las Chicas has a reputation to uphold.

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I think the moon landing happened, but I could see how you wouldn’t believe it. I mean they did this in the 60s but since then we’ve done, what exactly? Ooh we sent a robot to Mars, wow! There were more interesting space discoveries on Lost in Space and that show was fundamentally about an old man f’ing a kid while a robot ran around pretending it wasn’t happening. If they put together a space program in less than a decade, we should at least be colonizing on the moon by now. Not that it’d be so amazing. People live in/on rocks here on Earth too. They’re called terrorists, and their lifestyle seems less glamorous than their lice-ridden beards will lead you to believe.

It’s mind-boggling what people can do in the name of art. Punching people in the face as they do silly things, wiping feces in the form of religious icon, it’s just so absurd. I may have missed my calling in life. Sigh, one day my dream of a Voltron made entirely of aborted fetuses will come to fruition. Dream big or go home, that’s my motto.

It looks like a viral marketing video or a fake of some sort, but I’m not sure what it would accomplish to that end. Unless you’re trying to sell me on the idea of punching fat girls in the face. To which I say both “Preach on, brotha” and “Too late.”

Not to go back to Kimbo because I’m pretty sure he would both hurt and rape me, but maybe this kid can be the new Kimbo? Not the one who did the punching, the one who got knocked the f out. Like…let’s get him into a MMA ring and just see what happens. Maybe give him a lesson or two just so he doesn’t like die, but eh, not really necessary. It’d just be fun to see him get knocked out/submitted in various ways, then have his mook friends yell at the MMA fighters for being too rough. He’d be a huge draw. HUUUUUGE. GIVE ME A MIXED MARTIAL ARTS COMPANY NOW!!!