I guess we know who never spent time in the basketball team’s locker room.

You know what’s crazy to me? How this girl is cute, but not a 9 or a 10 by any stretch. But because she’s funny enough to be holding up a board game that makes reference to the fact that she has a snare-drum for a cooch, she instantly becomes the hottest thing I’ve seen this morning. Just something about a lady with a boardgame. This is why I was barred from playing Sorry! with the other seven year-olds. I assume being 24 may have also been a factor, but we just don’t know.

Good for you, Mr. Cupcake Man. We should stop giving attention to stupid drunken college whores who make out with each other just to get attention from innocent men. No one is blaming the guys for watching when it happens, it’s nature and we’re all just animals looking for the easiest possible opportunities to guide our penises into something passable that won’t leave it looking like you fell groin first into a bear trap. But if it takes cupcakes to send the message to women that making out with each other without clothes being removed and diddling with marital aids or vegetables involved is just a pointless activity, then sign me up. Cupcakes, what can’t you do?

[as seen on]

A Florida biology teacher fired after posing for racy pictures has landed a new career – in pornography.

Tiffany Shepherd, 31, made headlines in April after bikini-clad pictures of her on a fishing charter got her canned from Port St. Lucie High School. She turned to doing porn, she told a Florida news outlet, after losing custody of two of her three kids to her ex-husband and sending out 2,500 resumes – some even to prisons – without landing a new teaching job.

“I’m not particularly proud of it. To be honest, I hate it,” Shepherd told Page2live.com. “I’m an educated woman, but I never thought it would come to this. No one gets brought up thinking they’ll be a floozy.”

On screen, Shepherd goes by the name Leah Lust and has filmed five feature films, including one titled ‘My first sex teacher,’ where Shepherd portrays the very job she’s been trying to get back.

That’s really touching that she’s basically acting out her life story in these adult films. Women’s rights activists often say that porn is detrimental to women, but I disagree. Here’s Tiffany Shepherd, taken down by the people she worked so hard for, now fighting back and seizing control, literally grabbing men by their genitals and saying, “Hey! Respect the power I have!” Sure she might sound like she’s talking with a tuba in her mouth, but she’s definitely getting that message across.

Also, I really like it when the news tells me things I should keep an eye out to jack it to. Really makes my job easier, allowing me to focus on the creative aspects. By which I mean creating a mess and the subsequent shame in why I spend so much time doing it. Such is my art.

[via]

I really like how nervous the girl is about taking off her top. If you’re a girl who clearly spent a couple thousand dollars buying yourself some huge fake boobs and you STILL aren’t confident in how you look naked, you might want to really take a cold hard look in the mirror and become comfortable with who you are. Or not get breast implants done by a blind man at the NERF factory like this chick.

Also the end of the video is kind of weird. So I’m supposed to imagine my sexual partner as a cowboy with a lush mustache? I mean, I’ve been doing that with my girlfriend for years, but I didn’t think that was completely commonplace. Thanks Howcast!

She’s like a young Steven Seagal. With smaller breasts.

It’s kind of funny how being incompetent at sports or physical activities makes you devalued as a human being. Someone could trip over a hole in the sidewalk the size of an empty grave and, even though it’s totally not their fault, it instantly makes them completely worthless to everyone who witnessed it. That said, I’d still vigorously bone Maggie Grace. Mostly because her sloppy running style would make her infinitely more easy to catch.

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My logic is…it doesn’t hurt to ask, right? What’s the worst she says, no? You can’t get arrested for soliciting sex with a pretty lady. Unless your courtship process involves waving your penis around like a helicopter and asking ladies if they’d like to take flight. Then you might get charged, presumably for assault with a sexy weapon.

Also f the nerds who booed him after asking that. Yeah, you guys are so special. I’m sure she’ll love you for defending her honor against that scalliwag. Die in a diaper fire, all of you.

Maybe this is just the man who likes simple things that lies within my soul, but I like a show that offers something in the title and then delivers it in spades. Flying Japanese guys making that wacky “OMGGGGGG” Japanese guy face they always make in these shows also happens to be a bonus. A fantastic, magical bonus, but a bonus nonetheless.

Is it that hard to get a girl naked in Japan though that this is a viable game show? That’s not really a globally relatable concept. If they did this show in Mexico, every episode would just be some guy showing up with a dime bag and a working van and a fake Texas driver’s license and the show would be over. Which, while highly recommended as a home game, wouldn’t exactly be compelling TV.

You might think that this is out of character for this sexy young lady, but it really isn’t. I’ve been around a lot of hot bikini models, and this is totally how they react to any modicum of adversity. Like fine, we agreed I’d leave the property, but I can’t beat off in the vicinity of your bushes without you throwing a fit either? Grow up girl, take the compliment as it was intended.

It must be pretty awesome to be a celebrity like that, where you can do a TV show just because you’re a formerly hot piece of ass who now is a somewhat similar-looking, albeit slightly aged and recently crazy, piece of ass a decade later. That’s why I never buy into the excuses women make about being discriminated against just for having a vagina. Having the vagina isn’t the problem…not being famous enough to have it matter when it’s prominently displayed when getting out of the car is.

[as seen on]

That is pretty embarrassing, but I think we can all relate at least a little to this guy. Who hasn’t seen a woman naked and hyperventilated? Or maybe when you’re about to satisfy her with your tongue, you start to throw up a little and cry for your mom? I think we’ve all been there! Am I right fellas? No?

Sometimes when I’m with an attractive girl in public I’ll say something like, “Oh no, I think someone drugged my drink” then fake a fall to the ground. Sure nine out of ten times they’ll just walk out, but that one time…I bet they’ll instinctually just hop on top and hump away. Unfortunately I’ve only tried it five times and haven’t had it happen yet. But that’s what the law of averages is for, folks…optimism.

At first I thought a ghost had sneaked into the frame of the photo, but it turns out that some people are just that light colored. I forget sometimes that not everyone is flawlessly tanned and chiseled out of raw granite like I am. And it’s easy to forget since I so often spend time in front of mirrors, staring directly into my own eyes while pleasuring myself. What can I say, I’m titillating.

On the plus side though, she definitely picked the correct chick to stand to the side of. Wearing a dress at the beach is never a good sign. I bet lots of catty comments like, “Psh, those aren’t real” or “Yeah, I could be that fit if I were stupid and had no job, too” came out of that Lane Bryant fabric a few too many times that day.

[via, as seen on]

Here’s a Pro Tip: When attempting to flirt with a chick, especially on national TV, don’t reveal to her that you’ve “been reading up on her.” Yes, girls love when you listen to their endless prattling, but at the same time, they don’t like to know that you’ve researched them or have been into them for longer than they’ve been into you. That’s knowledge you don’t want her to have off the bat. Save that little treat for when she walks into your bedroom and sees a mannequin with a blown-up picture of her face pasted onto it with locks of her hair and visual semen stains like the mannequin’s vagina got clear nail polish splashed onto it. The dungeon’s not too far away at that point.

[via]

Sandra Lee might not be hot by Internet model standards, but I’d definitely blow a load in her casserole (that’s not a euphemism, I’d f her and then beat off into whatever food dish was nearby). Ditto for most of the chicks on these shows like Giada De Laurentiis or Rachael Ray or Ingrid Hoffman. So why the f is that whenever I turn on the Food Network when there’s nothing better on that I’m stuck seeing the moocow hosting the Barefoot Contessa show, Ina Garten? I’m sure she’s a great cook and whatever since she’s fat and fat people tend to know food for some unknown reason, but putting that heifer on is like having a team of lightning fast racehorses, yet bringing a donkey with a missing hoof and diabetes to run in the Kentucky Derby. Get it fixed, Food Network.

Now sure, I’m interested in seeing the fruits of this baby’s labor…what kind of man would I be if I didn’t want to see a woman stripped and shamed…but this is inappropriate behavior. Mostly because it’s totally okay if this baby does it but God forbid I hire a midget to dress up in a onesie and do it for a DVD series called “Babies Get The Goods.” Then I’m the creep. This is why we’re in a recession, folks.

[via]

I feel like the types of girls seriously injuring themselves in viral videos is generally the less-attractive type, so I’m glad to see equal representation for the hotties out there. They’re standing up and saying, “Yes, we too can look like complete assholes on widely disseminated videos.” It’s almost heroic. Well, assuming you have really bad heroes, like your uncle with the wandering fingers or Abraham Lincoln. Yeah we get it, stovepipe hats are so cool. Why don’t you rub our faces in it a little more? Dick.

Bonus…check out the classy comments on the source of this photo.

A CHEEKY artist has been given a £20,000 National Lottery grant – to look at girls’ bums.

Sue Williams was given the cash to “explore cultural attitudes towards female buttocks”.

She will create plaster cast moulds of women’s behinds to try to understand their place in contemporary culture.

Swansea-based Mrs Williams, 53, will also examine different racial attitudes towards bums in Europe and Africa. She said: “The project is taking on the issues around the bottom.”

Emma Geliot from the Arts Council of Wales, which awarded the grant, said: “This produces a tee-hee response but there is a serious point.”

Oh there’s a serious point alright…IN MY PANTS. HA! For you see I’m implying that I may have an erection due to the featuring of numerous asses. Jokes are always much funnier when you overexplain them.

I guess there’s probably some validity to studying asses and the sociological implications of them. But I don’t think I’d trust it to some old British lady. If you want an exuberant and thought provoking analysis of the female ass, I’m pretty sure there are countless guys with hidden cameras who’d be more than willing to help you out. They’d probably even pay for it themselves. Then again, they’d quite possibly be too sticky to read. And I don’t think you’d want to lay hands on the plastercast of the asses either. But you should have known what you were getting into when you hired that ass fetish pervert for free then, now shouldn’t you?

[via]

I like pizza. I also love nude Katy Perry. I even like room service in my hotel room. But this photo just kind of freaks me out. It’s kind of hedonistic, but it’s not because the pizza looks terrible and the bathtub looks about as luxurious as getting a sensual massage from a tiger.

If Katy Perry wants to make an object of herself on Twitter, then that’s fine. But what about the poor pizza? It doesn’t know any better, yet here it is naked as the day it was baked on the Internet for the world to see. What if the pizza’s family sees this photo? Katy Perry, you’re just a selfish woman. Whom I’d like to motorboat. It won’t fix your thoughtless ways, but it will help jumpstart the healing process.

[via]

Reports of a cameo by Lil Wayne are as yet unconfirmed

Spotted … “Gossip Girl” star Leighton Meester having sex with her BF… on video.

We’ve learned a Meester tape is being shopped around town. It was shot a few years back, and shows Leighton in mostly innocuous though nude scenes — with several big exceptions … one involving her very talented feet.

We’re told a company called celebhotline.com is negotiating for the video. The company’s spokesperson, Kevin Blatt told us, “We’ve seen the tape and we’re hoping to close the deal.”

We contacted Leighton’s rep but so far … no comment.

You can see the alleged photos of the sex tape here (NSFW, obviously).

I have to admit, I’m pretty jaded about a lot of these things usually. I’m not sure I’ve seen a celebrity sex tape and ever been like, “This is bringing something exciting to my life!” Seeing Kim Kardashian get railed and somehow not really show her boobs was one of the lowlights of my 2007. But man, this is going to be a treat to see Leighton Meester, arguably the hottest girl on Gossip Girl, getting sexy. It’s really surprising to me that a girl who was born in jail to white trash parents would end up prominently featured in the adult entertainment industry. All the strippers and whores I’ve ever met have just been trying to pay for college.

[via]

This photoshopped version is also great/disturbing to jerk to.

I don’t really get the desire to camp out to get a glimpse of a celebrity. You see them at your local cafe, sure, that’s cool. But waiting outside in lines for the opportunity just to get a glimpse or an autograph, what good does that really do? Eventually, people will catch on and get the worthlessness in it. Which is why when I’m famous, I’ll offer a handjob/fingerpopping to every 1000th person who compliments me on my work. At least then they’re getting a prize they can really write home about and I get even more reason to be ashamed of myself/overly Purel my hands at night. Everybody wins!

I can really sympathize with this girl. I used to sublet an apartment in Chelsea and I remember how I’d walk down the street and just get accosted by these animals pining for my goods. Any fleshly orb of skin I had was grabbed and prodded. Some might I say might I have been asking for it by wearing fishnets and a sign on my back that said, “Just because you eat at a different restaurant doesn’t mean you can’t grab my ass and balls.” But what I lacked in subtlety, I more than made up for in coy smiles.

[video via]