Guyism » Great ideas

Bad parenting at laundromat ends with toddler getting a rinse cycle

Chris Spags — Mon, 21 May 2012 15:20:40 +0000

Two parents were trying to punish their misbehaving child at a laundromat. Naturally, that led to them putting the kid in a washing machine. The video is a monument to stupidity.

The child sustained just minor injuries. He also wasn’t sufficiently cleaned. So I guess they just broke even here.

Man covered with 30,000 bees, local news spares no puns

Chris Spags — Mon, 21 May 2012 14:40:44 +0000

In this clip from ‘Today in Amarillo’ (which is surely a non-stop thrill ride of news), a video is shown of a Polish man “conducting an experiment” that had him covered with 30,000 bees. It’s quite a sight to bee-hold. *slaps knee

I’m glad the anchor gave that “Don’t try this at home” warning. Because otherwise, I’d have absolutely gone to my ol’ “Myriad of Bees” box and dumped it over my head like a Gatorade bath at the Super Bowl.

Only two bee stings, though? There’s a Polish joke there I’ll leave you to concoct in your notepad.

Just some woman dancing spastically in a bikini to promote herpes medication

Chris Spags — Tue, 01 May 2012 18:00:52 +0000

I guess Herpesgone is some sort of herbal drug company that claims to have harnessed the awesome power of herbs to fight off herpes in cold sores. And to get you to buy their product, they put some chick in a bikini and had her dance poorly. Watch!

Personally, I like to get all of my medical facts from YouTube videos with girls doing the Elaine dance from Seinfeld while in a bikini. I know if I had herpes, nothing would sooth my fears more than some girl dancing around to music from a Pro Tools free trial while hawking an herbal remedy. Must feel similar to Jesus patting you on the shoulder and going, “All good, friend. You’re going to be just fine.” Just like that.

Virginia man seeks trophy wife on Craigslist with creepy ad in ‘Writing Jobs’ section

Chris Spags — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 17:30:03 +0000

An Ashburn, Va. man is seeking a trophy wife and, naturally, Craigslist seems like a great place to start. Here’s the ad he placed. Spoiler alert: It’s awful.

Click for full-size

And here’s the text:

Trophy Wife (Ashburn, VA)

Wanted: Trophy Wife. . .

I am looking to fill an immediate opening in my home, as soon as possible. The position will be demanding, but the perks of the job will absolutely outweigh the stresses of the day. Any applicants must be willing to perform a few simple day to day tasks. . .

First is to wake up every day in my arms. And even after we wake to lay there and enjoy that feeling of love and happiness. Before the kids bust through the doors, before the stress of the day even has a chance to make an appearance. . . just lay. After I am able to tear myself from your arms, you have an option: either enjoy a fine cup of loose leaf tea in bed, or by the fireplace. After. . . you make it through the tea, we get the kids ready for school, as a team. Pack lunches and snacks, get them dressed, breakfast as a family, and then off to catch the bus. At this point, I’ll be off for the day for another day at the office. . . but I will never rush off without holding you in my arms as if it were the last time. . . and just when I am about to let go, hold you for a little longer.

At this point in the day, you have some flexibility. . . you could spend some time catching up on the book you are trying to finish. Or head straight to the gym, in the brand new company car (our your choosing of course). This may include, but is certainly not limited to, any number of Zumba/Yoga/Crossfit/etc classes desired. All membership fees and workout clothes will be included as part of your compensation package. After the gym, please make full use of the whirlpool tub to relax. Or, if you don’t feel like the gym that day, head straight to the mall for some shopping or a pedicure or to get you hair done. . . all on the company credit card.

I hope your work environment will be suitable, as you will have your own corner office, with which you can fully focus on your writing career. Whether you are tinkering with a new concept, or putting the finishing touches on another masterpiece, this will be an ideal space with which to focus.

In the afternoon, you will have to pickup my son from preschool and perform an extremely important task. Have fun. Play in the playroom, take him to the park, play on the swing set, watch a movie with him. . . But be sure to save some of that energy for when my daughter gets off the bus. . .. And then the fun just continues. . . until I return home from the office. At this point I expect to be fully bombarded by my kids. . . dual hug style, knocking me to the floor, hands still full from just coming in the door. Once I regain my composure though, please be ready, because 8 hours of not being able to be by your side will be unbearable and my only thought in that moment will be to kiss you like it was our first and last kiss.

We’ll take turns cooking dinner. . . and often will prepare the meal together. We’ll eat as a family and listen to each other tell the stories of their days. After dinner, we’ll spend time with the kids together. Playing board games, doing homework, practicing instruments, singing songs, doing artwork, reading stories, going for bike rides. . .. After getting the kids off to bed, please be prepared to receive a massage by the fireplace, while the stresses and noises of the day go quiet.

Other perks, in no particular order: surprise picnics, weekend getaways, nights out for movies/dinners/concerts/etc, my singing you songs and leaving you notes, unbounded support for you writing career, boots. . . lots and and lots of boots. . . A true partner, in every sense of the word. . . in life, parenthood, friendship, and love. Finally, it will be my job to create a life with you. . . completely and utterly consumed by both passion and love.

So..here’s a problem. If you’re saying you’re looking for a trophy wife with a “compensation package,” you can probably omit the flowery, Hallmark romanticism from your Craigslist post in the “Writing/Editing Jobs” category. No one who’s desperate enough to accept a glorified live-in hooker/nanny dual career (and what a glorious synergy that is) cares about finding a “true partner” or being “utterly consumed by both passion and love.” They don’t want your “massage by the fireplace” or to be “[held] a little longer.”

As the great philosopher Chris Bridges once told us, “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.” He may have rapped that before the advent of Craigslist but I’d wager the postulate still holds true.

Local news leads off program with story about kindergartener pooping self

Chris Spags — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 18:25:25 +0000

A six-year-old girl crapped herself after her school wouldn’t let her go to the bathroom, resulting in a lot of shame. Naturally, the local news station KY3 decided to help her out by making it their top story.

Next up on the local news: A parent talks about how everyone in school thinks their first grader son is gay. KY3 will break down why exactly kids say that about him along with a private tour of the young man’s Barbie collection. KY3 News…changing lives.

Teens jump in front of NYC trains in game of chicken

Chris Spags — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 14:40:02 +0000

Residents of Crown Heights, Brooklyn have complained about teens regularly playing a game of ‘chicken’ with NYC subway trains. This video shows them in the act. Spoiler alert: No one is cartoonishly flattened into a pancake.

Let YouTube commenter chaffy34 serve as your voice of reason:

Yeah! Who among us hasn’t stood in front of a several thousand pound piece of automated machinery that operates on bolts of electricity underneath you? Let he who is without a train bearing down on him for no particular reason cast the first stones! I hope it’s not too late for chaffy34 to make an independent presidential run. Chaffy34: He’s No Hippocrite.

Finally, penis warmers have arrived on Etsy!

Chris Spags — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 20:45:51 +0000

The hot new trend? Hand-made wool penis warmers. And here I’ve been, sitting with my genitals both frigid and undecorated for years like a savage.

The UK’s Metro tells the story of Radmila Kus, a Croatian woman allegedly making a “fortune” off the sales of “penis warmers,” oft-colorful wool sweaters for your junk.

“I used to make slippers for tourists but these willy warmers are so popular I just can’t keep up,” she told the paper.

According to Kus, the odd accessory originated in the mountain areas of Croatia. Local women in the region would make the dong clothing to keep their husbands warm in the horrific cold to keep them fertile and increase their chances of having kids.

Kus takes personalized orders (with measurements!) on her Etsy page.

So if your penis is cold and you also have the yearning to make your genitals look vaguely like one of the characters in Maurice Sendak’s classic Where the Wild Things Are, get to ordering.

Etsy Now Offering Penis Warmers [The Gloss]

Finance guy keeps douchey spreadsheet about Match.com dates

Chris Spags — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 19:46:50 +0000

Note: If you ever want to get laid again, you may want to avoid sending one of your Match.com dates your creepily thorough spreadsheet on the ladies you met on the dating Web site. A lesson this finance guy should have learned.

The spreadsheet above of a finance guy being called “Dave” comes to us via Deadspin. According to the site, Dave met a girl named Arielle. Somewhere in the conversation, the fact that he keeps a spreadsheet of “in progress” dates came up. Arielle, naturally, requested to see it. Dave sent it to her saying:

Well…this could be a mistake, but what the hell. I thought about deleting the names, but figured I might as will give you the whole thing. I only deleted the non-match people’s names (at the bottom) since some I’ve known for a long time. I hope this e-mail doesn’t backfire, because I really had a great time and hope to hang again soon :). However, I will keep my word! Have a great weekend!

Arielle proceeded to send it to all of her lady friends because, you know, women.

You can see the full version of the spreadsheet here.

I’m going to assume he didn’t get another date. Which is good. Because if you’re going to embarrass yourself and soon to end up on countless sites across the Internet, you definitely want to get nothing out of it romantically, professionally, or personally.

In other news, I want to see EVERY SINGLE SPREADSHEET that includes a column dedicated to ‘Wink Dates.’ I don’t care what they’re about. I need that phrase in my life more than I need air. And definitely more than I’d need a Match.com date. Possibly the worst viral marketing ever for them? Match.com: Where Creepy But Organized Men Meet Women Who Mock Them Behind Their Backs

Drunk girl’s slip-n-slide at Coachella seems like a good but dangerous time

Chris Spags — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 16:15:36 +0000

Coachella was a safe haven to holograms, hot chicks, and apparently reckless slip-n-slide usage. You’ve seen the first two..now a girl in a bikini will provide you with the third.

I respect this girl’s commitment to half-naked endangerment of self in the sake of fun and entertaining others. I’d be a hypocrite to ever say otherwise; it’s a principle all of my sexual exploits have been based around.

Burst of wind from plane engine sends girl flying, literally

Chris Spags — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 19:15:45 +0000

Planes take flight through the awesome power of wind. Thus, it stands to believe that enough wind to send a multiple ton machine into the air could harm you, a hundred-pound woman. The girl in this video just learned that lesson the hard way.

The only thing that’d make this video better? A morbidly obese person next to her not moving one inch. I’m all about perspective. And mocking fat people. Both of those.

College girl smashes a beer bottle over her own head

Chris Spags — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 20:30:37 +0000

In this video, a cute Penn State girl smashes a beer bottle over her own head. Cute, wasteful with alcohol, and able to sustain blows to the head? This is the positive PR Penn State needed after the Sandusky situation.

She didn’t even flinch. Just took it like a pro, maintaining her dignity throughout.

This is the strangest, Chris Brown-est erection I’ve ever had.

Palin baby daddy Levi Johnston stays impregnating women

Chris Spags — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 18:00:03 +0000

Levi Johnston slipped one past the undeniably dominant goalie that is Bristol Palin’s cervix. And now, he’s struck again: TMZ reports that Johnston knocked up 20-year-old Sunny Oglesby.

Oglesby hails from the same town of Wasilla, Alaska that the Palin clan and Johnston both hail from.

According to TMZ, the 21-year-old Johnston has been pretty much barred from seeing the son he had out of wedlock with Bristol Palin, Tripp.

Sources close to Johnston say he’s “so excited” about having another child. Johnston and Oglesby have been dating for about one year.

In related news, when you say the term “pulling out” in the town of Wasilla, everyone in town looks like this:

GirlfriendHire – the creepy Web site that lets you hire women for stupid reasons

Chris Spags — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 21:20:17 +0000

For as long as there’s been an Internet, there have been pointless ways to make nominal amounts of money. New Web site GirlfriendHire.com does it at an advanced level, allowing you to hire random women for just five bucks.

Guy’s pier jump sabotaged by incredibly shallow water

Chris Spags — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 15:15:03 +0000

Looking for a refreshing way to cool down this summer? Try jumping off a pier like this guy. You should probably make sure it’s deeper than the cup of water you get at the dentist. Unlike this guy.

Sure his ankles and shins might be shattered. But the memories of that time he jumped into 6-inch deep water will last a lifetime. Mostly because he’ll be walking like a dwarf.

Middle school teacher resigns after attempting to measure student’s cleavage

Chris Spags — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 19:30:16 +0000

Important life lesson alert! When you’re a middle school math teacher, don’t measure your student’s cleavage in front of the whole class. It tends not to be well-received.

What a teacher attempting to measure a student's cleavage may look like

Joan Bannister, a 53-year-old teacher in Florida’s Eustis Middle School, commented on her student’s cleavage in the middle of her math class.

According to the incident report, Bannister approached the young girl with a ruler and said that if she were to measure her “boobage,” she would find her in violation of the school’s dress code.

Bannister would later deny using the word boobage and also said that she never never touched the girl.

Bannister did, however, admit to the fact that she “could have handled the situation better.”

The school district proposed a five-day suspension. Bannister requested a hearing instead.

Bannister ended up resigning her position before the hearing took place.

Florida’s Office of Professional Practice will be reviewing the case to determine if any violations took place. According to state ethics for teachers, no student should be singled out for embarrassment.

You know what would have been a simple solution for all of this without violating the ethical guidelines regarding embarrassing students? The teacher could have been all like, “Wow, your boobage is so awesome! I would love to measure it to make note of how awesome you are! Hey kids, isn’t she awesome?” I mean, yeah, it’d be at least as creepy (and far worse if Bannister were a male reacher), but it wouldn’t have violated any rules and would have boosted the young girl’s self-esteem.

I didn’t earn my “Excellence in Measuring the Cleavage of Middle Schoolers” medal for nothing, folks.

Teacher quits after comment about student’s cleavage [Orlando Sentinel]

11 disturbing things tweeted about 16-year-old Kendall Jenner’s bikini photo

Chris Spags — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:45:27 +0000

Kendall Jenner is a teenager. Being a teenager, she posted the above photo on her Instagram saying “Miss summer! #tan” Media outlets were a combination of disgusted and titillated. Guys were creeps. Here are the most particularly disturbing tweets.

11 @ashiin__kusherr

How generous of you!

10 @DeanValles

New rule: If your hairline appears to be receding in your avatar, you can’t comment on the hotness of teens on social media Web sites.

9 @CFSalgado

Not guilty enough not to lecherously repost the pic, mind you. Just somewhat. Glad we could clear that up.

8 @neelsonP

I’m going to assume that’s something about spreading her buttcheeks. Who has time to check Google Translate? Not this guy here.

7 @james_donohoe1

Sweet, bro. Pretty sure 16-year-old multimillionaire Kendall Jenner is trolling her @ mentions looking for a creepy guy attempting to appear pensive in his computer chair. I like your chances.

6 @trf205gp

He was probably laying his jacket over a puddle for a woman as he wrote this message. I presume that’s the only way someone could end up typing with no regard for spelling or letter case like that.

5 @DASHING_KARA

I find the directness here to be the most unnerving.

4 @RushHrHandles

Well, driving and masturbating simultaneously is quite difficult. Uh..I presume.

3 @Zekokowscaliswagg

Commenting on a 10th grader’s ass may seem declassé, but when you factor in the caps lock and lack of punctuation, there’s a degree of class captured here you may have initially missed.

2 @BasedGrandma

I don’t think that’s actually Oprah Winfrey.

1 @stu_pidcock07

Perhaps being on Twitter can fulfill Kendall Jenner’s health/sex-ed class requirements for school. She’s learning so much about human biology!

Aussie college demands professors be nice, they refuse

Chris Spags — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 20:28:26 +0000

The administration of the Royal Melbourne Institute of Technology wants its professors to be nicer. But is that counterproductive to the goals of a teacher? The professors there say yes.

According to The Australian, school officials have asked professors to be more “positive” and “optimistic” as part of a new “behavioral capability framework” designed to encourage students to achieve more.

But professors have rebuffed the new initiative, saying that being overtly positive — particularly without reason to be — would be counterproductive to the goals of academia.

Encouraging professors to be optimistic when there’s little to no reason to be seems to be something that would harm students more than it’d help. Then again, it’s nice to see a country besides the US getting sucked into the pussified “participation trophies for all!” philosophy that will ultimately ruin us all

Somewhere, Paul Hogan is crying. Oh, not because he read the article. He’s just really poor and sad like all the time. Sucks.

College Professors Demand Right to Be Mean [Gawker]

Fight in a Nashville Sbarro’s reveals nothing is sacred

Chris Spags — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 17:58:18 +0000

Forget about everything you’ve thought about Sbarro’s. No pizza goats, no good times for the whole family. No sir, just cold meatballs and violence (accompanied by hilarious commentary).

Getting your ass beat in a Sbarro’s in the ethnic food capital of Nashville, Tenn. is probably not an expected outcome for even the most degenerate of human beings. Perhaps eating a slice of pizza that tastes like Ragu on a piece of cardboard with gum stuck on it is the new “wearing a hoodie.”

Belvedere Vodka tweet establishes it as the ‘Rapiest of Vodkas’

Chris Spags — Sat, 24 Mar 2012 01:45:09 +0000

Note to all companies out there: When you’re on Twitter, you might want to avoid making “hilarious” tweets about your product tied in with sexual assault. Lesson learned, Belvedere Vodka?

The tweet was removed relatively quickly, but not before the picture blew up on Tumblr. Belvedere’s apology tweet read:

Yeah, worst apology ever. I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that joking about some dude raping a girl to promote the smooth textures of your vodka has very little to do with safe and responsible drinking

What was the picture even targeting? Guys who like vodka or guys who like rape? Because even if it was going after the latter typically undesirable audience, I’m going to say it was still a bit ineffective.

We emailed Belvedere’s PR rep for comment. We’ll update the article if we hear back.

9:50 EASTERN UPDATE: Just got this statement from Belvedere SVP of Marketing, Jason Lundy.

“Unfortunately a Facebook &Twitter posting was made today that has offended many of our fans and followers — and indeed the people who work here at Belvedere. The post is absolutely inconsistent with our values and beliefs and in addition to removing the offensive post we are committed to making sure that something like this doesn’t happen again. As an expression of our deep disappointment and regret, we are making a charitable donation to a women’s support cause. We deeply apologize to our fans & followers.”

Forever 21 Photoshops out women’s kneecaps for some reason

Chris Spags — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 21:15:53 +0000

A woman’s knees are the window to the soul. Wait, is that not the expression? Huh. Well then. Anyway, women’s store Forever 21 is Photoshopping out women’s kneecaps, making some sort of monster in their product listings.

Maybe having legs like a carrot are the hot trend this spring? Or Forever 21 models have evolved beyond the need to bend their legs? Probably the latter. Models..always advancing society.

You can see more strange kneecap-less sexy ladies at Buzzfeed.

Forever 21 Hates Women’s Kneecaps [Buzzfeed]