The Washington Post points out that the Times of India has done this before; a previous joke referenced a racial epithet for black people.

If I were a woman in India, a country in which 70% of women find themselves a victim of domestic violence, I’d probably be livid. Especially because these jokes are right next to the latest comics from “Hi and Lois” and “Cathy.” That page has more atrocities against women than a week’s worth of MSNBC’s overnight programming.

Joke about Chris Brown beating women appears in Times of India [Washington Post]

In related news, this kid is really smart because his suit really distracts you from how horrible he is at life. Normally you’d associate what this kid is doing with someone of a far lesser social class. But he’s wearing that suit so, obviously, he’s a gentleman through and through. A gentleman covered in paint and pepper spray with ruptured testicles, but a gentleman all the same.

Early Bird Special [The Daily What]

This is so alarmingly unfunny and racially insensitive that it has to be some sort of double reverse flip troll or something. Are we the ones who are the racists? Do black people actually exist? Who am I supposed to thank for the many uses of peanuts?

He’s like a young Andy Kaufman, only with tastelessness and shoddy face paint in lieu of talent.

Guy In Blackface Asks Brigham Young Students About Black History Month [Buzzfeed]

I feel kind of bad for the guy eating a bag of chips leisurely. He had nothing to do with the explosion but he looks like the bigger idiot for it. People with a love of salted snack foods deserve better treatment than that. They have rights, too. Rights covered in greasy fingerprints and a cloud of incompetence, but rights nonetheless.

Never change the oil in Michael Bay’s car [Boingboing]

Then again, maybe that’s just the type of vacation you want. It’d be like the episode of The Simpsons where they go to Itchy and Scratchy Land. Maybe the trip features a little too much death and destruction to be truly relaxing, but fighting for your life and/or recreating the Jack/Rose scene from Titanic may be just what you need to get your life back on track.

Thanks for the tip, Gregory.

Following up “Fuck you” with “Fuck yeah”? Had to rub my face in your triumph over me like that, huh kid? Think you’re a big man? Whatever.

Odds on this kid’s teeth looking like that for the next 75 years have been removed from the books.

On the plus side, the odds of this guy procreating just dropped significantly.

Theodore Roosevelt would be so proud. When he first came up with his phrase, “Speak softly and carry a big stick,” the initial draft included a second part of the sentence, “And beat poor people with it.” Unfortunately, his political team shot it down during the brainstorming session.

Glad to see his actual ideals still live on in the form of a bus boy at an Indian beach restaurant…precisely where Roosevelt would have wanted it.

She must have been trying to emulate the ‘Knightfall’ era Batman. *snort

Have to love the reaction of people at sporting events to a rejected proposal. Only at a basketball game would people boo lustfully when a woman protects the sanctity of marriage by not agreeing to marry some dude due to social pressure of 10,000 other people at a sporting event. How dare she have independent thoughts! Kill her!

Jumbotron Marriage Proposal Rejection [Stuff I Stole From The Internet]

I’d like to believe that’s real cat poop. Partially because I want to live in a world that people are dumb enough to do things like that then post them on the Internet but moreso because I don’t want to live in a world in which people would eat fake cat poop and post it on the Internet for attention. If we’re going down completely off the rails as a society, at least let’s keep things honest.

As The Post reported last month, Chase also alluded to receiving sexual gratification from a full-service copy machine by marveling that “it even has a hole in it where you can stick your d–k in and get a blow job.”

He told another staffer who inquired what a server is, “This part is for storage. This part is for filing. Oh, and this part is where I stick my d–k and get a blow job,” the report said.

It’s believed that Chase made comments to at least three female staffers.

In response to his actions, Chase received a letter of reprimand and will be forced to undergo sensitivity training, a punishment some coworkers felt was merely a slap on the wrist.

It is unclear whether the purported sex with the server or the copy machine was consensual.

If you’re going to make the dodgy life choice to sexually harass three women, there are probably less creepy ways to do it. In fact, I’d say they’d probably welcome the prospect of him walking around with no pants or jacking off on the floor rather than his repeated remarks about receiving fellacio from nearby pieces of technology. At least then you’d know there isn’t a chance of you being kidnapped and shoved into a Coke vending machine in this guy’s sexually deviant version of The Flintstones.

Ed. big’s XXXerox craving [NY Post]

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.
FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.
Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.
-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.
-You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.
-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.
Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.

Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

If you’re concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don’t want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I’m sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.
If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn’t act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

Long bit of text there, but the highlights:

-Mike thinks that a girl “making eye contact” and “touching her hair” trumps the fact that she didn’t reply to multiple texts or voicemails. He would be wrong in that assessment.
-For a guy who dislikes emails, he sure made this one novel-length bit of digital communication.
-He finds many of Lauren’s decisions — all of which seem to indicate she found him disinteresting immediately after they started actually talking — to be “irrational,” primarily because they don’t involve her wanting to see him again.
-Mike for some reason thinks, “As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves,” is a viable reason for a woman to date him. It is not.
-After basically saying Lauren sucks at life and that he’s such a great catch and she’s a fool for not recognizing it, Mike says that he would still love to date her.

Gentlemen (and ladies, for that matter), here’s a lesson in life: “No reply” = “No.” If you text someone once and they don’t reply, it’s possible, but still unlikely, they missed it. Repeated tries? It’s a no.

Either way, let’s hope Mike gets himself an empty seat next to him at every Philharmonic event in the future as a sign of what could have been. Or he could seat himself next to a child’s doll that he calls Lauren and excitedly whisper to it during the event. That’d show her!

An investment banker’s cover letter for a second date [Reddit]

Police say that 81-year-old Phillip Winikoff went around a local apartment complex offering to check out women’s goods for free in 2006.

Two women admitted to investigators that they took Winikoff up on his offer, though they immediately realized once the exam began that they had been hoodwinked.

Had Winikoff not entered a guilty plea, he’d have faced up to 55 years in prison for charges of sexual battery and practicing medicine without a license.

I’m just grateful that this hardened criminal is off the streets for the time being. What a master criminal. I mean playing doctor to grope women? That’s a plan so genius that only the masterminds known as 10-year-olds have accomplished it.

Can you imagine how much of a creep you have to be for women to instantly realize you’re not a doctor after falling for this scheme? I mean they were gullible enough to undress and allow a squeeze…you couldn’t at least have the class to avoid being an outright pervert so they could at least maintain a shred of their dignity? Did he just start rubbing one out on the spot? Maybe slobbering and uttering nice? Either way, that bedside manner was highly lacking, I assume.

Plea Deal Gets Fake Breast Exam Doc One Year In Jail [CBS Miami]

It would not be poor form to chant “ECW! ECW” at this kid after he did that. In this case, it would stand for Extremely Chunky Wino, but still. The soul remains.

I can only hope that one of the girls has a fetish for people with self-afflicted paralysis.

Young man impresses young ladies [Arbroath]

I’d be more impressed if we gave her some Diet Pepsi with it. Nothing says family bonding better than blowing up Grandma for your amusement*.

*I don’t care if it’s an urban legend. I still want to believe.

Adorable Old Person of the Day [The Daily What]

Police say Morris gave her special brand of unlicensed cosmetic surgery to a woman unaware of how her $700 would result in bigger buttocks. What the unnamed woman received was the booty mix above, resulting in severe pains in the area, her stomach, and everywhere throughout her body.

Despite that, the woman refused to give Morris away to the police. It took months of searching for investigators to find the mystery amateur cosmetic surgeon.

It’s unclear if Morris used the procedure on herself to achieve her, ahem, delightfully ample backside.

Perhaps I’m not in tune enough with the thought process of a person undergoing an ass implant, but it seems to me if a person who looks like Morris is offering you an ass like hers for $700, there’s a reasonable expectation that things may not turn out as desired. In fact, I’d say it’s a wise idea to avoid inserting any object into your rear that costs under $1,000. Just a good rule of thumb for life. Learn all that and more in my new book, Inserting Objects in Your Rear: No Place to Cut Costs. It’s like five pages but it really hits all the key notes.

Transgender woman arrested after injecting Fix-A-Flat into patient’s rear end [NY Daily News]

Y’all as tempting as it may be, don’t shoot Obama. We need him to go down in history as the WORST president we’ve EVER had! #2012

The incident occurred shortly after the arrest of a mentally ill Idaho man named Oscar Ortega accused of shooting a bullet at the White House.

Pierce told the Tribune that the whole situation “is stupid,” saying she “was essentially just saying any kind of assassination attempt is just stupid.”

It’s unclear what the punishment for Pierce may entail.

Personally, I’m just inspired by the fact that an attractive blonde in her early 20s is just as capable of idiotic anti-American and borderline racist missives as people twice her age in the Tea Party. It really shows you how fast and dumb kids grow up these days. Brings a tear to my eye.

Texas College Student Says Anti-Obama Tweet Was Joke [Texas Tribune via Business Insider]

Sexy high schoolers + My Little Pony = Somewhere, a Brony is finally having all of his sexual needs met without two browser windows open next to one another. Glad I can play a small part in that.

High School Graduate Gives My Little Pony Graduation Speech [Viral Viral Videos]