Delicious and nutritious! Well, nutritious when you’re assuming that dirt, grime, and semen residue are part of the food pyramid that was conveniently left out. Typical.

Being a pitchman for a product like this seems like an awesome job. You just spill crap on the floor then have their mediocre product clean it up while parroting back some marketing jargon. That’s pretty much what retarded kids do all day anyway. Ooh or they could hire retarded kids! Could you imagine how hard it’d be to refuse a sales pitch from an adorable tard? Though this product might not make sense for them since they’d probably just lick the soda up with their big retard tongues. Let’s file this one under “maybe.”

So is this not supposed to be suspicious? Like if someone saw a big blow-up doll in your house, they’d probably go, “Oh, he’s totally having sex with a blowup doll.” But if someone sees an egg in your house, they just think it’s an egg, I’d assume. But if you have an egg by your bedside with something that looks like crusted old egg whites underneath it, I’d still think that’s a bit out of the norm. I don’t think I’d assume you’re having sex with it, but I wouldn’t be shocked. I guess my real point is that as a society, we should probably limit the things we pleasure ourselves with to our hands or to humans, or occasionally a particularly sexy pair of couch cushions. Your eyes say “no no” but the change inside of you says, “yes yes.”

This has to be some sort of photo trick right? Like when a pencil looks bent or an Indian gets his soul stolen? I mean look, Madonna’s a muscular beast who could reasonably make a segueway to Mixed Martial Arts or one of those Strongman Competitions with little to no effort. But nobody can really look like this in real life and think it’s okay…it’s horrifying. Old ladies get veiny and crap, presumably because your veins swell up with your now-useless ovaries, but shouldn’t this be like one of the biggest tragedies ever that a woman who was the definition of sex (I think, I was like an infant when she was really hitting) is now THIS?

Point being, that’s why I created a time machine and went back to introduce Marilyn Monroe to sleeping pills and should be thanked accordingly. I did it for you guys. And to jerk off onto a sleeping Marilyn Monroe. But really, for you.

“Cruisin’” is also code for picking up gay men. See? Much funnier now, isn’t it? No? Fuck you then, how about that.

New parenthood can put a damper on even the most blazing sex lives. Middle-of-the night feedings, projectile spit-up and dirty diapers — who could still be in the mood after all that?

But some couples have inadvertently found a way to spice up their romantic lives with a little “Mommy” and “Daddy” name-calling. It often starts accidentally, when one of them slips and calls the other “Mommy” or “Daddy” — even when the kids aren’t around.

For some, it opens a new sexual frontier, not that they’d readily admit it. In fact, calling each other “Mommy” and “Daddy” in the bedroom may be one of the last sex fantasies people are reluctant to confess.

Marie Melsheimer of Bend, Ore., says her husband always calls her “Mama,” even when referring to her in conversations with others.

“I find it rather endearing,” she said. “In the bedroom “it does come up sometimes, as in, ‘Aren’t you going to take care of The Daddy?’ ”

Ugh, so gross. You need to keep some sexual spice in a relationship, I know. But seriously, that’s a bit creepy. No offense to my mom, but even if she weren’t my mother, I’d be more likely to get off to a nailgun being shot into my asshole than that image popping to my head.

Unrelated, when sleeping with a girl for the first time, calling her “Mommy” then suckling on her nipples might not get you a whole lot of repeat business.

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I’ve kissed girls with awful things on their lips before, but I’d be pretty skeeved out if it were someone with Cheetos flavoring on their lips. In fact, based upon the types of people that typically eat Cheetos, if you’ve gone out of your way to eat Cheetos in the past year, you’re probably not the one for me. I’d rather get my lip balm freshly squeezed from a homeless man’s dingleberries than use this.

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At first glance, you might assume the house has been abandoned, just another foreclosure victim. You’d be wrong.

William Daeder, 43, has lived in this three-bedroom house in the 9500 block of Sunset Strip since he bought the place for $83,000 in 1988. It is, by some accounts, the ugliest house in the city.

In the past four years, Daeder has turned his yard into what Commissioner Larry Sofield calls an “endless junk pile” that is bringing down property values and even creating a safety hazard for the neighborhood. Since late 2005, Daeder has racked up more than $200,000 in fines — coincidentally, the house’s assessed value, he said.

“This house is the worst in the city,” Sofield said. “There are others, but this is the worst. We just want to get the junk off the property.”

“I like it this way,” Daeder said proudly, like a king surveying his kingdom. “It keeps the Mormons away.”

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Swiss police said they are investigating a 7-year-old girl’s discovery of a condom in her McDonald’s Happy Meal.

Fribourg state police said the mother called them after the girl discovered the condom among her French fries.

Police said Monday they were investigating where the condom came from and how it got into the Happy Meal. They said an analysis was being done to determine if the condom posed a health risk.

I typically am not skeeved out by much; I once ate a hamburger that fell on the floor *cough for seven hours* but this is kind of gross to me. I mean, condoms in food? I don’t even wear condoms on trips to Haiti’s red light district, what makes you think I’d want it anywhere else in my life?

That little girl just learned an important lesson though. That lesson? Never trust a clown. Also condoms are not very delicious and, as a result, you should probably never attempt to put one on any gentleman. They only lead to pain. Yes, I’m aware the opposite is actually true but f it, she’s seven, what does she know?

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She made history as the fattest ever mother of triplets, weighing in at 40 stone.

But far from ensuring her babies don’t go the same way she did, Leanne Salt is happy to admit feeding them junk food, including fish and chips and McDonald’s meals.

Yesterday the 24-year-old – still dangerously overweight at 30 stone – told of her approach to motherhood which doctors say is certain to leave them facing health problems.

‘They were six months old when they had their first McDonald’s,’ she said. ‘They had chicken nuggets and chips and loved it.

‘They like fish and chips too, but I take the batter off the fish, so I guess that’s healthy.’

Miss Salt’s immense weight meant the safe delivery of her triplets – daughters Deanna and Daisy, and son Finlee – last August was a major challenge for medics.

It took a 68-strong team and a bill for the NHS of £200,000, including a specially-built operating table for her Caesarean section.

Just for the record, 30 stone is about 420 pounds in our American weight and 68 people on the team in England equates to about 38 people here and five midgets. You realize how much effort that is? There have been wars that have been fought with less people. All to deliver more genetically inferior savages who’ll diabetes-it-up until they end up in an early grave too. Great usage of time and money and tubs of grease and reinforced steel and tongs designed for use with cows going into early labor and tarps to keep the floors clean of her “body gravy.”

Let’s just get these kids a spot on Maury and a shirt that’s entirely too small for their first birthday. The first words of the children being “I do wha I wan” doesn’t seem too far out of reach, now does it?

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Domino’s is an occasional advertiser on this site but, as a respectable journalist, I have to present the news to you in a timely fashion (usually coupled with a date rape or bigoted joke, just like CNN). This is pretty heinous and, if this is what they’re filming, I’m imagining that a Mediterranean sandwich full of pubes or a honey ham sandwich that literally got gangbanged isn’t too far behind off-camera. It takes a special kind of idiot to do these things to innocent people’s food just because you’re not smart enough to do something else with your life. Unless this somehow makes the sandwich more delicious, in which case, I’m not entirely sure why my food always tastes so bad.

On the other hand, it sounds like this is the South. It might be a delicacy to have someone farting on your salami. Who knows? When it’s socially acceptable to read Tori Spelling’s autobiography, I’m pretty sure anything goes.

UPDATE: Apparently there are even more videos of these idiots doing crap to Domino’s food. Some more added after the jump.

There are three others over at LiveLeak (aren’t embeddable for some reason but click on the menu on the top right).

I’ve never eaten my own snot so I can’t really say I relate. I don’t get the appeal of eating something that just came out of my body without being a part of a Japanese porn film. I also can’t imagine it’d be particularly delicious. But at the same time, I can’t help but admire how voracious he is with eating the contents of his nostrils. I haven’t had that much dedication with anything in my life. Ever. Which is kind of sad if you really think about it. Maybe the power of his boogers is where he gets his dedication from and I’ve just been missing the boat all this time.

Also if you eat your morning eye crust in a banana smoothie, you gain superhuman strength. I’m pretty sure that was a scene in Pumping Iron. Try it and report back with your mind-blowingly positive results.