Via Explosm comes this important lesson about how you can be a helpful man and how you can be, well, less helpful.

I understand the difference, but I also think that I need to be compensated for fixing your pipes. Maybe a little ]]>

Via Explosm comes this important lesson about how you can be a helpful man and how you can be, well, less helpful.

I understand the difference, but I also think that I need to be compensated for fixing your pipes. Maybe a little bit of fixing my pipes in return, if you know what I mean. I can’t do handywork on them all by myself, if you catch my drift. It takes someone special to be able to get this pipe going, if you get what I’m saying. I’m referring to my genitals. And the process of producing ejaculate by rapid stroking of my genitals. This is how my negotiations for handjobs at the Mentally Disabled Clinic typically go.

Did you not know that handshakes were important to people determining your value as a human being? Well, you suck. Because everyone knows that. But there’s an article about it.

If you’re seeking employment, get a grip. A firm handshake is key to ]]>

Did you not know that handshakes were important to people determining your value as a human being? Well, you suck. Because everyone knows that. But there’s an article about it.

If you’re seeking employment, get a grip. A firm handshake is key to landing a job.

In a new study, scientists put 98 students through mock job interviews with businesspeople. The students also met with trained handshake raters who, unbeknownst to the students, rated their grips. Separately, the businesspeople graded each student’s overall performance and hireability. The two group’s scores were then compared.

Students who got high handshake marks were also rated most hireable.

“We’ve always heard that interviewers make up their mind about a person in the first two or three minutes of an interview, no matter how long the interview lasts,” said study leader Greg Stewart, associate professor of management and organizations at the University of Iowa. “We found that the first impression begins with a handshake that sets the tone for the rest of the interview.”

Well I guess if you want to be “conventional” then sure you can just give a nice firm handshake. Or you could do it The Chris Way and demand that, after a successful interview, your prospective employer leap into the air and give you a chest bump like you’re a mid-90s New York Knicks basketball team. Even if the interviewer is a woman. And then, if she is, you’re totally allowed to linger on her chest a little longer. She knows what she got herself into.

I also advocate a tight grip when giving handjobs to potential employers. Keep that one under your hat. *touches nose