Guyism » HBO

6 things I learned by watching HBO’s ‘Girls’

Katie Nolan — Wed, 23 May 2012 19:20:16 +0000

By now you’ve probably heard the buzz about HBO’s new series Girls, created by Lena Dunham. Even still, you have no desire to watch it and hoped someone else would so you wouldn’t have to. Me too. But since I’ve been tasked with covering women, I figured a show named after their existence would be a good place to start some research. So I took one for the team. Here’s what I learned.

6 People who live off their parents money exist

The show’s main character is unemployed and living in Brooklyn, and has no issue asking mommy & daddy for more than A GRAND A MONTH to maintain her super-trendy city lifestyle. Up until now these people were like unicorns to me. Unicorns and uncircumsized penises. I’d heard they exist but had never seen one in real life. And if you’re thinking “It isn’t real life asshole, it’s a TV show,” you must not be aware of the privileged brats that comprise the cast. So… who’s the asshole now?

5 Brian Williams’ daughter is nice to look at

The news anchor’s daughter plays Marnie, and it turns out she’s really kind of hot. And in a pretty adorable way, which is cool. But then also in a rich, snobby, hatefuck kind of way, which can still sometimes be useful.

4 There are no black people in Brooklyn

Since the show is acclaimed for its “realness,” those of us who can’t afford to live in a trendy Manhattan borough can only assume that what happens on this show is what happens in Brooklyn. Gotta say, I expected a lot more minorities. And also some poor people. Then again, if they existed, this show wouldn’t. One of them would’ve murdered these uppity white girls after about 30 seconds of listening to them whine about their first world problems.

3 Girls don’t know a thing about guys

The show’s head writers are both women, and while scenes without girls are rare, they happen. And they’re awkward as hell. You know how you picture “girls night” as a naked pillow fight? Apparently girls think grown men are interested in snooping through a girl’s desk and/or journal. Or that they’d tell a virgin that being the first person to have sex with her “isn’t their thing.” Malarkey.

2 Man boobs don’t only affect men

Which is to say that Lena Dunham can be as comfortable with her body as she wants, but she should remain in a comfortable shirt. Forever. Please and thank you.

1 Some girls will let you jerk off in front of them at a really awkward time and still date you

And who knows? That piece of information might just be useful to you some day.

Sh*t Girls say about ‘Girls’

K. Thor Jensen — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 12:36:18 +0000

Girls! It’s on HBO! Lena Dunham created it! There aren’t any Black people in it! Viral video! Go! A few episodes in, I have to say I’m a fan of Girls. Sure, it’s a bit of a weird comedown after Game of Thrones, but what wouldn’t be? The chronicles of a bunch of listless honkies in New York City mooching off their parents has rubbed some people the wrong way, prompting blog posts about “hipster racism” and other hot-button topics. And, of course, there’s a “sh-t people say” video. Because that’s just how we do it on the Internet these days.

‘Game Of Thrones’ renewed, surprising no one

K. Thor Jensen — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 19:06:25 +0000

In the least startling news of the century, HBO has committed to a third season of Game Of Thrones. Also, water is still really wet. Blood, too. The second season of the network’s fantasy blockbuster has been shattering ratings records for HBO, with 3.9 million people watching this first episode of Season 2. That’s 74% more people than watched the Season 1 premiere, if you like math. Growth like that obviously can’t go on forever, but Game Of Thrones is absolutely a crossover hit, the biggest HBO has seen since True Blood. And with the sheer density of the source material (we’re only just done with the first book, and the others are mad long), we can see Game on TV for a lot longer. The only worry is if George R.R. Martin dies and they have to give this puppy a Sopranos ending with Tyrion fading to black in a diner. Maybe with a naked girl or two.

‘True Blood’ season 5 teaser makes me… thirsty

K. Thor Jensen — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 16:40:21 +0000

HBO: where blood just goes everywhere. After the Game of Thrones premiere last night, why not get hyped for True Blood next? The network has dropped this fast-paced teaser in advance of the Season 5 premiere in June, and it’s raising a bunch of questions. Who is Eric sucking face with? Who is Sookie going to bury in that hole? Damn.

A giant pile of ‘Game of Thrones’ preview clips

K. Thor Jensen — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 12:51:00 +0000

Some websites will bring you one Game of Thrones preview clip and call it a day. We’re not those websites. Six of them. Right here, right now. Let’s start with this clip of Daenerys trying to give her new dragon a little titty.

Joffrey’s Name Day Tournament

The tourney for Prince Joffrey’s Name Day is going to be one of the most violent moments of the season premiere, I’d bet.

Mormont Confronts Snow

Commander Mormont has had it up to his balls with Jon Snow, and he puts him in his place in this clip.

Welcome To Craster’s Keep

When the Night’s Watch ventures beyond the Wall, they seek shelter at Craster’s Keep. Let’s just say that the keep’s master isn’t the nicest dude and leave it at that.

Robb Stark’s Terms

After Robb eliminates the armies of the Lannisters, he gets the opportunity to lay down the law in peace negotiations. I wonder how this will work out for him?

Tyrion At The Small Council

Let’s save the best for last, shall we? Two solid minutes of Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) at the Small Council, the group that advises the King of the Seven Kingdoms. Game of Thrones, April 1st, HBO, be there or die like a dog.

MLB.tv is now available for your Xbox 360

Matt Hawkins — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 22:45:50 +0000

For those who live in a market that is plagued with truly horrendous local baseball, or simply want more MLB in their lives, specifically on Xbox 360, there’s an app for that. The MLB.tv app to be precise, available right this second.

Earlier today, the latest round of video apps were released for Microsoft’s game machine, including HBO GO and Comcast Xfinity TV, but neither of those really matter. Again, what’s the point of having a HBO app if you’re already subscribe to cable? The MLB.TV app on the other hands is worth noting.

It’s essentially the same thing that PS3 owners have been enjoying for some time now, but with a few improvements, including an exclusive split-screen mode that allows a person to watch two games at once.

Both can be live, one can be live and the other a recap, or both can be recap. And everything can be controlled via the Kinect, naturally. Sure you have to be a Xbox Live Gold member (in addition to a MLB.tv account, naturally), but who isn’t these days?

The Guyism Speed Round for 3/15

Chris Spags — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 16:00:38 +0000

In today’s Guyism Speed Round, Katie Nolan In today’s Guyism Speed Round, Katie Nolan discusses the cancellation of HBO’s horse racing series Luck, Charlize Theron’s recent adoption, and more.

Don’t forget: Just one day left to send Katie emails for Viewer Email Friday. Send them to guyismspeedround@gmail.com.

VIDEO: A Game Of Thrones: The Game on the way

Matt Hawkins — Mon, 13 Jun 2011 20:15:29 +0000

One upcoming title announced at E3 that I totally forgot to mention was the video game adaptation of the hit HBO series, A Game Of Thrones. So here’s you first look!

… Eh, not much I know. Also, I really can’t comment since I’m totally unfamiliar with the show. Sorry, me no have cable. Sometimes when one sees a teaser or trailer for a game that looks awesome, a need to investigate the source material will arise. Well, this ain’t happening here.

But I will say that I’d definitely start downloading the show (and reading the books… they are based on books originally, right?) if the game looked something like this…

7 of the most hilarious TV addictions of all-time

Chris Spags — Thu, 19 May 2011 12:00:33 +0000

You may be familiar with the A&E show Intervention, a show chronicling people’s journeys to get a loved one into rehab. It’s real, gritty, touching, and often depressing. Addiction is a serious problem, when presented in most situations. Unless it’s taken so far that it becomes hilarious.

7 Jessie Spano’s Caffeine Pill Addiction
Saved by the Bell’s Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) was feeling a bit overextended. You see, Zack had an uncle who was looking for a hot new girl band… somehow performing at local burger joint “The Max” would end with the girls of SBTB being the female New Kids on the Block (which, at the time, was not meant to be hilarious). Anyway Jessie is doing way too much… class, singing, buying leg-warmers, so she takes caffeine pills. This ends with a caffeine pill binge, Zack coming to save Jessie from herself and, of course, a stirring rendition of The Pointer Sisters’ hit “I’m So Excited”.

When you wake up one day in the gutter with a bottle of Jolt Cola by your side, then and only then will you know Jessie’s pains.

6 Aaron Henry’s Steroid Addiction
HBO wasn’t always a safe haven for well-acted, critically acclaimed drama. For categorical evidence, look no further than HBO series Lifestories: Families in Crisis. Let’s be honest… Ben Affleck, not so great of an actor. And when you combine his poor acting with heavy-handed afterschool special-ish TV, you get this gem about steroid addiction. Check out Ben Affleck’s roid rage from Body to Die For: The Aaron Henry Story.

Roid Rage is thrown around quite a bit by the media, often in sensationalist ways. But one needn’t look further than the grounded portrayal of steroid addiction painted above to understand the gravity of the problem. Particularly the smashing, woman punching, and floor humping involved.

5 Dylan McKay’s Alcohol Addiction
Beverly Hills 90210′s Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) was always the quintessential rebel with a heart of gold. Presumably gold due to all of the Goldschlager running through his veins. Dylan liked the drugs and, more importantly, the alcohol. In the clip below, he walks into a benefit and finds that Brandon (Jason Priestly) is dating his on-and-off girlfriend Kelly (whatsherface). If there’s a problem kicking your feet up on the table and drinking wine out of the bottle can’t solve, I haven’t seen it.

Fans of the show would be dismayed to find Dylan upon his return to the show casually drinking champagne with the rest of the 90210ers. Because alcoholics who went to rehab always like to hang out with some alcohol after achieving sobriety yet somehow avoid relapses. Truly a realistic depiction.

4 Demetrius “DH” Harris’ Crack Addiction
The ESPN show Playmakers was so gritty and real that the NFL demanded the show be removed if the network wanted to continue their partnership. And by gritty and real, I mean outlandishly far-fetched and borderline libelous to anyone who’s ever played Madden, let alone actually been a professional football player. Fans were treated to sensational story lines like domestic violence, murder, homosexuality (and subsequent discrimination) and, of course, the crack addiction of top running back Demetrius “DH” Harris (Omar Gooding).

Unfortunately there aren’t any clips to be found on the Internet of the show (damn you ESPN), but the gist is as follows: DH is addicted to crack, in spite of being an elite-caliber professional football running back (a position that requires you to be in fairly good health. Health typically not associated with crack addicts, if I’m not mistaken). During one episode, DH is trying to get off crack but finds himself unable. At halftime of a game, the team trainer tells DH he’s dehydrated but DH knows better. He calls his drug dealer who brings crack to the parking lot. However, as DH tries to get to his crack, he passes out in a pool of his own vomit. He then comes to and asks a teammate to buy his crack for him. The teammate does, then helps DH smoke his crack. Seconds later, DH is fine again and plays a great half of football. Crack: the performance enhancing drug the media doesn’t want you to know about.

3 Robbie the Dinosaur’s “Steroid” Addiction
Performance enhancement is a popular source of comical addiction as the second steroid-themed entry comes via ABC hit Dinosaurs. While the show was known for its lighthearted comedy in the form of the baby violently assaulting his father while screaming “Not the mama,” it strayed into serious tones when the teenage dinosaur, Robbie, tried steroids (or the dino equivalent, in the form of live, angry-looking Koosh balls).

The clip’s a little long, but basically Robbie takes steroids, gets huge overnight, rips a sink out of the wall, attacks his drug dealer, is a dick to his girlfriend, and ends up crying after a rampage. So basically, he’s like your dad, only with less whiskey involved.

2 Michael’s Marijuana Addiction
The 80s were a crazy time… did you know there was a slightly more competent Bush in the White House at one point? Well there was! And he had a lot of great ideas, including his anti-drug campaign which resulted in this. The story chronicles a kid named Michael and his rampant uses of the horrific drug marijuana. He steals money from his sister, takes beer from his father, and hangs out with a bad crowd… including an amorphous blob of marijuana smoke cleverly named “Smoke”. Fortunately, the horrific effects of marijuana have finally manifested a useful hallucination when a group of cartoon characters appear to Michael in a drug fueled haze.

If you’re feeling nostalgic, you can watch the full show here. The horror of seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks while stoned out of his mind somehow leads Michael pack to a path of righteousness instead of to a box of Yodels like it does with most people.

1 Alf’s Cat Addiction

The most absurd of all of the addictions above is arguably the most heartbreaking. Alf was an alien, so his standards of addiction varied a bit. But his obsession with eating cats was fairly evident throughout the show. Alf mentioned eating a cat in just about every episode, including mocking the funeral of family pet “Lucky” by saying that a funeral for the cat was asking to “holding a funeral for a hamburger”. While his Earth family didn’t exactly enable him (other than cat-sized rolls, as pictured above), they didn’t really do anything to deter him either.

So when Alf’s addiction to eating cats manifests itself, it’s a hilarious little punchline… but when I murder a cat and eat it, I’m “predisposed to be a serial killer”. Whatever.

‘HBO Go’ for iPad, iPhone, Android, laptops set to start May 2?

Will Brinson — Wed, 20 Apr 2011 13:00:32 +0000

HBO never bought into Netflix, and it appears that “HBO Go,” the premium channel’s streaming service, is exactly why. More importantly, it looks like it’ll be on your laptop, iPad, iPhone and Android within the next month.

Hopefully anyway — May 2, 2011 is the date mentioned at the end of the YouTube trailer that’s making its way around the internet (embedded below) at high speed.

Speaking of high speed, you’ll need that kind of wireless connection to stream the shows, but that’s not new news for anyone who’s adept at utilizing smartphones and tablets for such purposes.

The best news, of course, is exactly what’ll be offered: “every episode of every season” of every HBO series you’ve ever enjoyed (“Sopranos”, “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” “True Blood,” “Boardwalk Empire,” etc) and those that you could live without even if they’re still free (“Entourage,” “Real Time With Bill Maher”).

The movies aren’t too shabby either; “Dead Poets Society,” “Avatar,” “Good Morning, Vietnam,” “Home Alone,” the National Lampoon series are some notable big names. There’s definitely some craptastic flicks on there too — though I’d argue that including “Super Troopers” makes up for everything — but that’s pretty par for the course any time you’re talking about streaming options.

The only remotely realistic complaint about this forthcoming service can come from folks who, for whatever reason, have totally bailed on cable/satellite and gone to straight streaming at home. HBO won’t be offering the service via online-only subscriptions and, as such, either you’ve got Verizon FIOS or you pay for HBO currently.

That’s a bit of a nightmare for that small segment of the population, but it stands to reason that, eventually, HBO will open up the product so people can subscribe online. For now, just go ahead and call your provider and get locked in on some cheap price while you can.

VIDEO: “Curb Your Enthusiasm” Season 8 preview is worth watching

Chris Spags — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 14:48:40 +0000

It’s been two years since Larry David’s hit show “Curb Your Enthusiasm” has graced the sunny shores of HBO. So the show’s Season 8 premiere hitting July 10, 2011 is definitely exciting news. And leave it to “Curb” to make even a behind the scenes preview seem like enough to make comedy nerds drool with anticipation.

Damn, appearances from (a returning) Rosie O’Donnell, Bill Buckner, and Ricky Gervais? They’re really pulling out all the stops here. Perhaps the promises of the wildest season yet are legitimate. Especially with Michael J. Fox. If there’s anyone who knows how to shake things up, it’s that guy.

Watch Behind-the-Scenes Footage From Curb Your Enthusiasm Season Eight [Vulture]

The poster for the new season of Eastbound & Down

Shawn Norris — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 20:27:40 +0000

Mark September ~~17th~~ 26th! down on your calendars if you’re a fan of the HBO Show Eastbound & Down because Kenny Powers is back in action, and that sombrero tells us that the season will take place down Mexico way. I didn’t even know Tijuana had a professional baseball team.

Kenny Powers is back! And I’m guessing they’ll be a whole lot more cock fights and tequila shots this time around. I wonder if they’ll had an El Ashley Schaeffer BMW down there? Get ready amigos, because “Estás Tetas Fuera, Me estoy tirando a En!”

HBO’s The Wire performed by your favorite Toy Story characters

Shawn Norris — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 12:30:44 +0000

Ever wondered what it would be like if your favorite characters from The Wire replaced your favorite characters from Toy Story? Well here is a very brilliant and NSFW video that will make your day.

I dunno…I don’t think I’d fell comfortable taking my kids to this film. But screw them, I’ll go see it by myself.

True Blood: The sitcom

Chris Spags — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 16:46:00 +0000

I adore the show True Blood, though I find emulating its support of blood drinking to be both costly, messy, and not very satisfying. So someone, presumably for my benefit, decided to crop together a sitcom version of True Blood called “At Merlotte’s” and it’s pretty accurate.

I would like this. Why not extend the brand a bit further beyond the usual shows? Take some third tier character from the dramas and give them a sitcom. Or a fake reality show. Like you wouldn’t want to watch a reality show with some asshole vampire who was on the show for a minute looking for love. It’d have less dead bodies than Megan Wants A Millionaire, too.

If TV science were more like real science

Chris Spags — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:10:30 +0000

Via PHD Comics comes this look at the differences between the science on our favorite TV shows and how it is in real life.

It’s true, TV is really deceptive. For example did you know that there isn’t actually an underwater community with a sponge and some fat sea mollusk and a squirrel in an astronaut suit? More liberal media spin from Nickelodeon.

Really though, if you can’t accept that TV takes some jumps in logic, you can probably just die. If TV were real life, Jack Bauer would spend countless hours on 24 filling out paperwork and dealing with explosive diarrhea from the toxins he was exposed to. But weeks of a show with a guy filing reports and asking for softer toilet paper for his sensitive asshole isn’t the most compelling thing on TV. More compelling than The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency, sure. But watching Jill Scott’s fat ass bathing in butter while she does a sexy hippo dance for you would be more compelling than that “Hey, we’ve got black people that aren’t criminals on HBO! Love us!” drivel.

Flight of the Conchords season 2 is online now

Chris Spags — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:39:45 +0000

This is a show that I absolutely love and, as a result, will actually post something emailed to me without requiring that someone pay me in truckloads of cash (or, more likely, in used belly button lint). Flight of the Conchords’ Season 2 premiere is online now on Funny or Die and, since this is a show you should be watching, here it is.

Petey the Bigoted Parrot says that people from other countries talk funny so, for that reason alone it’s worth a viewing. Who’s Petey the Bigoted Parrot? Well, he’s not so much a parrot as he is a puppet. Okay, I don’t actually have a parrot puppet, it’s more like a voice in my head that tells me to hate people from other ethnic backgrounds. What do you want from me man?

The new season begins airing January 18th on HBO.