Additionally, teen pregnancy is at an all-time low with teens only accounting for 39 births out of 1,000 (though the figure doesn’t account for abortions in the demographic) according to the study data compiled from 2006 through 2010.

When teens are getting it in, they’ve also used protection at record rates with 78 percent of girls using protection during sex along with 85 percent of boys.

All good, right? Well…

The most common reason both girls and boys gave for never having had sex was that doing so was against their religion or morals; that has always been the primary reason in previous surveys, too, Dr. Martinez said. But the second-most-common reason among boys in the current survey was that they had not yet found the right person, a distinct change from 2002, when the No. 2 reason was that they did not want to get a girl pregnant.

Finding the right person is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. Sex has implications beyond just the moment. But for you, as a budding young man, to list that as a reason why you haven’t had sex? It just reeks of the overly sensitive dreck that society expects of men these days. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you’ll find a woman on your first try and it’ll be magical and everything else will fall into place in your picture perfect lives. It’s not the way the world works, regardless of how many “Participant” soccer trophies you racked up in grade school.

Teenagers Having Sex Are Now a Minority [NY Times via Jezebel]

-Lima sees her personal nutritionist who has records of her body’s muscle mass, fat ratio, and levels of water retention.
-The nutritionist then prescribes protein shakes, vitamins, and supplements to help keep Lima from crashing during her training period. She also takes in a gallon of water a day.
-For the nine days before the big Victoria’s Secret show, Lima will only drink protein shakes which have a primary base of powdered eggs. She’s barred from eating solid foods.
-Two days before the show, Lima stops the gallon of water each day and drinks based solely upon need.
-Twelve hours before the show, Lima cuts off all liquid intake to lean out.

Female-centric outlets like The Gloss are outraged, saying, “When an actual female must abstain from the bloating effects of water to conform to that standard, one should do well to dismiss it entirely.”

Lima’s process is depressing and obviously beyond the capabilities of most of us mere mortals. But is it that different from what male bodybuilders do to lean-out before a competition? If anything, we should be looking at these women like the finely tuned performance-focused athletes they are.

Or just acknowledge that any event that treats a human like a contestant in a dog show (in skimpy clothing!) isn’t ideal for their health or society, regardless of gender.

The doctors then combined the antiviral gene with a protein found in jellyfish, called GFP, which causes the glow-in-the-dark effect. The combination of the two allows the scientists to test the effectiveness of the gene in resisting FIV while the glow-in-the-dark protein allows them to more effectively tract the work of the antiviral gene.

One of the Mayo Clinic researchers told the BBC, “If you could show that you confer protection to these animals, it would give us a lot of information about protecting humans.”

The next step for researchers will be to release a live form of FIV into the hopefully-protected kittens to determine how their vaccine protects them.

While any advancements in AIDS research are noteworthy and commendable, I’m most pleased by how closely this situation resembles someone’s drug-induced ramblings. I’m pretty sure that any average citizen declaring that advancements in AIDS research can be sped up by rubbing a rhesus monkey on a cat made to glow-in-the-dark would not be nearly as well-received, no matter how good my intentions may have been nor how loudly I shouted them while angrily pointing at passersby.

This Glowing Kitten May Hold the Key For AIDS Vaccine [Gizmodo]
Glowing cats shed light on Aids [BBC]

1. Do I really need this procedure?

I’m not sure you’re treading new ground here, CNN. “Do I really need this procedure?” should be a question asked about any surgery, let alone one that has a potential to make your penis look like Snuffleufagus seeing a ghost. If you’re a guy going around getting dick surgeries you don’t need just for kicks, I both fear and respect you.

2. What are my treatment options?

This one definitely makes sense to me. You want to make sure you’re aware of your treatment options. For example, if it’s been burning when you pee and the treatment is, “Bill, stop putting lit matches into your urethra,” you should probably take that simple course of action rather than make a surgeon slice your dong open like a butterflied filet.

3. Doctor, how many of these procedures have you done?

So you’re saying I shouldn’t go up to people with no Dick Surgery Experience (TM) to get my dick surgery? Got it. My butcher’s going to be pretty bummed. He went through a lot of trouble to figure out a way to accept my HMO.

4. Will the treatment really cure my problem?

I’d certainly hope so given that such a goal tends to be the whole point of hiring any person to do a job for you. If my roof is leaking, I’d hope the contractors I hire don’t just come in and install a waterslide.

5. Should I clean up before the surgery?

“Doctor, should I try to clean my genitals in advance of the surgery?”
“WHAT!?? ARE YOU INSANE? No, if anything, you should have a filthy penis! The dirtier the better! Stick it into sewers, homeless animals, Haitians, whatever you can find!”

For more on penis surgery and you, check out CNN’s extremely helpful article.

Breast cancer affects somewhere in the neighborhood of 2,000 men in the US each year, a small amount compared to the over 230,000 popping up on women according to the American Cancer Society. The comparatively lower rate of illness blocked Johnson from using the screenings required by the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services since the draconian rules bar men from coverage.

Johnson is understandably outraged, telling the Post and Courier that “cancer doesn’t discriminate, so this program shouldn’t discriminate.”

State officials led by the South Carolina Dept. of Health and Human Services are trying to reverse the Medicare & Medicaid Services ruling, but it’s unclear whether their politicking will result in Johnson getting the coverage he needs.

Either way, keep this dude in your thoughts. With all the movement society has made for equality for women, minorities, and other oppressed people, it’s a complete shame that this guy can’t get treatment for what basically amounts to an oversight in coverage rules.

There’s no easy solution. But kicking anyone you know at the CMMS in the groin today probably wouldn’t hurt. Just saying.

Cross resident with breast cancer disqualified for Medicaid program because he is a man [Post and Courier via Jezebel]

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

We all try to exercise in some capacity. Some choose to get fit in the great outdoors, while others enjoy the comfort of a weight room or gymnasium. Unfortunately, some people take their exercise too far in an attempt to impress the masses. Here are a few ways people become obnoxious while they’re breaking a sweat.

7 Wear Spandex
You should be a professional athlete with body fat index less than 8 % if you want to wear spandex. Or you need to have an unbelievably good looking body. Otherwise you just look ridiculous.

6 Make your workout a competition
The gym is a competition between me and my heart… and years of consuming delicious red meat, while simultaneously smoking Marlboro Reds and eating a lifetime of deep fried Twinkies in a single afternoon. I have no beef with you, fellow gym goer. This is not a competition between you and I to see who can elliptical bike to the top of Mt. Everest the fastest or to see who can be the first to break the sound barrier on the treadmill. If I wanted to compete while running, I’d run a 10 K or joined the Army, OK? I’m just here to burn some calories and admire the women who can properly rock spandex without causing my heart to make that popping sound that happens when you uncork a champagne bottle.

5 Be the person who sweats everywhere
Everyone hates following the Creature from the Black Lagoon when using Nautilus equipment. You lay down and immediately start to stick to the machine. Then the stench of a hundred sweat soaked human beings wafts into your nose and makes you seriously contemplate buying a Bowflex. Just bring a towel and wipe down the equipment after you are done. It’s not time consuming or difficult. Even for someone who is obviously some sort of swamp monster.

4 Wear shorts when it’s 20 below outside
We’ve all seen this guy. You are standing outside of somewhere freezing your ass off and complaining about not being able to feel your extremities and some nut goes running by in just shorts and a t-shirt. They think they look like a total bad ass when their bright pink cheeks and Asics breeze by us in 10 degree weather. They think we see them running and feel they’ve conquered Mother Nature’s icy grip. In actuality, we secretly hope they get locked out of their house in order to learn a lesson on choosing the proper ensemble to venture out into the cold with. I understand you’re hot when you exercise, but let’s be realistic, no one is sweating THAT much. Even Eskimos on the Discovery Channel wear a coat when they go out to wrangle wild yaks. You aren’t running on the sun, so maybe throw on a jacket and some pants next time you go jogging in the bitter cold. We aren’t going to think any less of you. It’s not proving you are tough, it’s proving that you are certifiably insane.

3 Doing laps when kids are playing in the pool
I know that kids get super annoying when around water of any sort, but most community pools are meant mostly for the amusement of children. Don’t go down to the neighborhood pool in the middle of a summer afternoon and expect to get a Michael Phelpsian workout. Let the kids have some fun. Sure, you have as much of a right to the pool as they do, but you have more options than they do. Like night swimming. Sans bathing suit. Ideally not next to a school zone.

2 Ride your bike in the middle of the street
Do you want to live in a body cast for the rest of your life? You couldn’t pick a more dangerous hobby in Los Angeles, except maybe mapping out what colors you could wear in South Central without getting shot. People there will purposely ride their bikes everywhere they shouldn’t. When I go around a sharp mountain curve, I’m not expecting to see Lance Armstong peddling away to his own imaginary bike race. Unless you have a bet with your doctor about lowering your heart rate, the only thing you are going to win by riding your bike in the middle of the road is “The Schwinn Memorial Award for Morons Run Over by a Tractor Trailer.” You’re telling me that you can’t find anyplace to ride a bike other than the middle of a busy road? Tax payer money builds parks especially for you to ride bikes in! Because the urge to hit a spandexed-up Schwinn jockey on a 12-speed who is backing traffic to a halt during rush hour is so intense that it’ll cause even the best hearted people to think about taking you ass over handlebars into the nearest guardrail. So for the Love of God, if you need to ride a bike, please do it somewhere that isn’t a heavily trafficked road designed specifically for automobiles.

1 Grunting
The sound of a rhinoceros that has just gone into labor with twins is never sexy. Especially when the sound is coming from a sleeveless human being trying to “maximize his pump” by doing 5 more reps on the squat thrust. Now, I understand that there will be grunting and words of encouragement shouted at any gym that you exercise in. That’s totally cool, because people need to be able to use some sort of release when benching or pushing themselves to the limit physically. But sending out shrieks of anger that sound like two rabid gorillas mating at the zoo is both disturbing and unnecessary. We all know that you’re working hard at getting that Men’s Fitness cover, but you gotta tone it down a bit. You’re at a 12, and I think we need you at about a 6. No, it has nothing to do with reps… please just tone down the grunting till you get back home.

Study author Truls Ostbye of Duke University said in the report, “Our findings contribute to a growing body [ED. NOTE: Lulz] of research that indicates obesity is associated with reduced sexual functioning and sexual quality of life,”

The study speculates that the reasons for the failings in sexual satisfaction have to do with both actual physical dysfunction and emotional problems stemming from obesity.

David Sarwer, director of clinical services at the Center for Weight and Eating Disorders at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine told USA Today, “People should realize sexuality is more than just intercourse. There’s a tremendous amount of emotional value and benefit that can still come from holding hands, kissing, hugging — romance.”

It’s certainly sad that people are suffering due to their physical problems. At the same time though, if you’re not even attempting to do anything about it, I don’t necessarily have as much sympathy. Though my thoughts may be heavily weighted (lol) by the fact that I just Googled terms related to obesity and sex to find an image for this post and, even with SafeSearch one, was bombarded by several horrific things that would better be saved for a terrorist training video or a Broadway play version of “Food, Inc.”

Obese people less sexually satisfied [USA Today]

Personally, I would not want to get into a boxing match with HPV. Who knows what kind of dirty tricks he has planned? Dude spends his life camped out in vaginas, hidden, waiting to strike. He’s like the Predator. No chance I’m taking that match.

According to AOL News, Americans (and Canadians) tend to eat between 100 and 150 hamburgers each year on average, which would mean that a significant percentage of the population could be at risk.

Fortunately, there are some disputes of this study; the British Nutrition Foundation released data saying that most people eat a “healthy” amount of red meat and that links between the food and cancer were “inconclusive at best.”

So, I guess the important thing to take away from all this is that you should probably not eat any burgers. Or eat lots of burgers? Or continue eating the exact same amount of burgers, but occasionally do a headstand to keep the red meat from infecting you? I don’t really know. I’m no meatologist. All I know is that this would be fitting karmic retribution for “Popeye” character Wimpy and his shittiness regarding timely hamburger payment.

Eating 5 Burgers a Week Increases Cancer Risk, British Say [AOL News]

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Fast food is an American way of life. And so are heart attacks and obesity, giving the U.S. of A. top bragging rights. We love to bash the fast food industry in films and books like Super Size Me and Fast Food Nation. However, at 3am after a night of throwing back two-for-one well drinks, nothing really sounds better than a greasy burger. Here are eight of the most deadly glutinous sins in the history of fast food debauchery, sure to put your heart down for the count.

8 Hardee’s Philly Cheese Steak Burger
You love a Philly steak sandwich, right? And a good cheeseburger, right? Well, the good people at Hardee’s have combined the two into a mutant hybrid that was once only found in the fantasies of Homer Simpson’s mind. A 1/3-lb Angus beef patty, layered with thinly sliced steak, topped off with two kinds of cheese, jalapenos and onions. Angioplasty not included.

7 KFC Famous Bowls
In this fast paced go, go, go world of today nobody really has the time to sit-down and eat a regular plate of food. Thankfully, Kentucky Fried Chicken came up with the KFC Bowl. A single bowl with an elegant blend of a biscuit, chicken, mashed potatoes, corn, cheese, and topped off with gravy. Otherwise known as a slop trough. Comedian Patton Oswalt, prefers to think of them as, “a failure pile in a sadness bowl.”

6 Burger King’s Stuffed Steakhouse Burger
Maybe you just found out your girlfriend’s not pregnant or your fantasy football team is totally dominating and it’s time to celebrate. A classy steakhouse would be great, but that’s expensive and you’ve got weed to buy. Not to worry, Burger King’s got you covered with their Goliath burger of an Angus beef patty, piled on with bacon, fried onions, cheese and mashed potatoes. And at only $4.99 your heart might take the hit, but your wallet certainly won’t.

5 Nathan’s Famous Chili Cheese Fries
Every Fourth of July, dozens of fat guys from across the land gather at Nathan’s Famous in Coney Island, NY for the annual hot dog eating contest — where they’re promptly put to shame by a skinny Japanese kid. Since 1916, Nathan’s has been the go-to for hot dogs, but it’s the chili cheese fries that will really have your heart begging for mercy. A mound of fries, topped with nacho cheese and chili. And weighing in at 1,600 calories it pulls no punches. Party on!

4 Hardee’s Monster Biscuit
Hardee’s just couldn’t stand not getting all the glory and makes a return to the list with their Monster Biscuit. Maybe you like ham biscuits, or sausage biscuits, or perhaps bacon, egg and cheese biscuits, but can never decide. Rejoice and thank the fast food gods, for they have heard your cries and come to the rescue. Rise and shine and get a start on the day with a sausage patty, bacon egg, ham, and cheese – oh yea, and it’s between a butter biscuit. Have a glass of orange juice on the side. You know, to be all healthy and stuff.

3 Cinnabon’s Pecanbon Roll
Satisfy your sweet tooth and ruthless addiction for sugar and pure butter with Cinnabon’s Pecanbon Roll. I mean, how could you not love a cinnamon bun topped with pecans and sweet caramel frosting?! If I could, I’d have that stuff directly injected into my veins. At 1,100 calories some might say it’s a tad on the unhealthy side. Word on the street is Burger King is in talks with Cinnabon to produce a Pecanbon bacon burger.

2 Craz-E Burger, Various Locations
A beef patty, cheese, bacon, and fried egg between two Krispy Kreme glazed donuts, this un-godly creation is normally met with a, “what the fuuuck” upon first sight. Some say it was invented by deceased R&B singer Luther Vandross, others claim it was concocted by a bar owner who ran out of burger buns. Normally, found at state fairs, independent eateries and Kirstie Alley’s kitchen it’s sure to give your heart a heavy ass-kicking. Finish off with a Pecanbon for a dessert.

1 Taco Bell’s Volcano Nachos
Legend has it that Taco Bell found the recipe for their Volcano Nachos from an ancient Aztec scroll written in virgin’s blood. Not really, but eating a 900 calorie plate of these bad boys is basically sacrificing your health. Tortilla chips, ground beef, jalapenos, nacho cheese, sour cream and pre-historic volcanic lava sauce will leave your stomach burning and you cursing yourself for not listening to that voice in your head that begged you just to get a soft taco. But then again, this is probably the same little voice that advises against that third Jager shot and never gets laid.

The illness will formally be known as Post Orgasmic Illness Syndrome.

Researchers believe the symptoms stem from the body coming into contact with its own semen, causing an unexpected allergic reaction.

Fortunately, the team responsible for the findings now believes it can reverse the effects of the illness. One sexual psychopharmacology expert at the University believes that hyposensitization therapy (introducing the allergen in gradually larger amounts over years) can eventually build up resistance enough to nullify the effects.

Is it me or does this just sound like an elaborate ploy for a creepy old scientist to jack off in dudes’ mouths over the course of years? “Wait, you have extreme fatigue after you ejaculate? That’s so uncommon for men! Must be this allergy! Let’s get you a steady dose of semen rich in allergens and, over time, I think you’ll be just fine.”

I mean if I got sick every time I had an orgasm, I’d be pretty miserable enough to try random things too. Miserable enough to let an elderly Dutchman who looks like Freud beat it into my face under the guise of “hyposensitization therapy” for years? Well, that’s certainly happened to me before for far less.

Mystery illness is orgasm allergy [The Sun]
How Quickly Would You Kill Yourself If You Were Allergic To Orgasms? [Barstool NY]

The man returned six months later, telling doctors that his foreskin was irritated. He was told his penis was merely inflamed, leading the man to continue with the clinic’s treatment. The man’s condition didn’t improve, so he made an appointment at another hospital.

After five months, doctors at the new hospital were able to schedule him for an appointment. Doctors then found the “inflammation” and “infections” were actually cancer.

The man needed his penis amputated to keep the cancer from spreading.

Well, I guess the key takeaway is to always get a second opinion whenever you have pain in your dong. Or to try to not get cancer there. Really, both.

Oh, and that clinics don’t take nearly enough time examining the penises of elderly men. “Save that one for an old woman with low standards,” is probably the company motto at that clinic.

Man’s penis amputated following misdiagnosis [TheLocal]

A 53-year-old man upset he wasn’t getting immediate treatment at Sacred Heart Hospital in Allentown twice grabbed a nurse’s buttocks and used vulgar language while he was there this weekend, according to court documents.

When asked by a city police officer why he grabbed the nurse, Joseph W. Wolf of Allentown responded he was patting her as a way of saying thank you.

The officer talked to Wolf, asking Wolf if he didn’t consider touching the nurse as inappropriate.

“No, I don’t think so at all,” Wolf responded. “In Europe, they kiss.”

Police: man grabbed nurse’s buttocks, says he was thanking her [The Morning Call]

The bloopers themselves are fine — I particularly enjoy how smart The Situation attempts to look in the second one with his word choice — but the real cherry on the ice cream is the last blooper. As several YouTube commenters point out, why does The Situation seem to have an erection? I know working out will get your blood flowing, but to the point of a boner? Just bizarre.

Then again, it could be one of those situations (sorry) where it looks like an erection but it’s just lighting. People are always hesitant to believe that one though, whether it’s at a bar or in a court of law.

Dr. Jay Pensler, unhappy about negative reviews his former patients posted on Yelp and Citysearch, is suing at least three of them for defamation. In court papers, Pensler, who calls himself a “well respected plastic surgeon,” says the women have “embarked on a malicious campaign to undermine and destroy” his personal reputation.

But Carol Oshana, a lawyer for a woman who has declined to be identified, said Pensler left her client horribly disfigured. “Her breasts look terrible. I mean, I hate the way she looks. She looks so bad,” Oshana told AOL News today in a phone interview. She said the suit would likely be dismissed, but not before the women are forced to pay thousands of dollars in legal fees.

On Yelp, another woman said her breasts looked like something out of a horror film. “I have very dark, discolored scars ALL OVER MY BREAST………literally,” a woman wrote under the name “Melissa H” in August. “My breast doesn’t even look like breast anymore, it’s just that scary!!!! And my areolas look like a drawstring purse.”

Plastic Surgeon Sues Patients for Bad Online Reviews [AOL News]

The goal of Haub’s experiment, he claims ,was to show that calorie-counting may be more important for weight loss than nutritional value.

Haub dropped from 201 to 174 pounds and his body fat dipped from 33.4 to 24.9 percent. Additionally, dispelling one more myth, Haub’s “bad cholesterol” fell 20 percent while his “good cholesterol” rose 20 percent.

It’s not necessarily recommended to get off your fat ass and binge on Twinkies with the hopes of swinging the pendulum the other way, but it’s good to know that the nutritionists out there are trying new things. If I were a nutritionist, I’d recommend the Elvis diet…eating friend peanut butter and banana sandwiches mixed with Percocet and Quaalude until you pass out vomiting out of all orifices on your toilet. Everything unhealthy is new again!

Prof gets slinky with Twinkies [New York Post]

Alcohol is a more dangerous drug than both crack and heroin when the combined harms to the user and to others are assessed, British scientists said Monday.

Presenting a new scale of drug harm that rates the damage to users themselves and to wider society, the scientists rated alcohol the most harmful overall and almost three times as harmful as cocaine or tobacco.

According to the scale, devised by a group of scientists including Britain’s Independent Scientific Committee on Drugs (ISCD) and an expert adviser to the European Monitoring Center for Drugs and Drug Addiction (EMCDDA), heroin and crack cocaine rank as the second and third most harmful drugs.

“It is intriguing to note that the two legal drugs assessed — alcohol and tobacco — score in the upper segment of the ranking scale, indicating that legal drugs cause at least as much harm as do illegal substances,” Nutt, who was formerly head of the influential British Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs (ACMD), said in a statement about the study.

Drug experts say alcohol worse than crack or heroin [Reuters]

-Byerly decided to randomly begin running two miles a day for 365 days without missing a day when he felt fat and sluggish at a new job at IBM.
-He sometimes wakes up at 2:30 AM to get his roughly three-hour workout in.
-Over the years he’s been running, Byerly estimates he’s run more than 39,000 miles (or, the equivalent of running around the globe one and a half times).
-Byerly’s 36-year long streak is believed to be only the eleventh longest in the country

So remember, the next time you’re feeling lazy and wanting to do nothing but get high and eat Cheetos, remember that there’s an 80-year-old out there running despite the fact that his bones probably have the density of graham crackers and peanut brittle. This dude’s prostate probably functions like an old Colecovision and he’s still doing all this. Yes, now is the time to hate yourself, just a little.

Health concerns inspire a 36-year running streak [Dallas Morning News]

Any time food looks like it’s simultaneously rotting and getting up to walk, that’s a video you have to watch. It’s like if the Veggietales had a crossover with “Night of the Living Dead.” Which I think the world has waited entirely too long for.