Instead, I’ve been able to play it safe most of my life with ties and polos and loafers. It’s a comfortable existence, and I like it. But this year, I’m thinking about taking a step outside of my comfort zone and getting a little weird, iRobot Roomba-style.

Does this decision make any sense? No, of course not. Because my mom and dad are still together and there’s little chance that he’s going to end up needing someone to clean his house. (I’m not being sexist here, either, because if you pay a maid, it’s not a chore.)

But here’s the thing, we’re talking about a Roomba (or, more specifically, the iRobot Roomba 700 series and the iRobot Scooba 230).

Which is a good thing for at least like 65% of the population. Your dad probably doesn’t fall into that percentage, but you do.

And that’s the beauty of the Roomba — your dad will say things like “Man, that robot vacuum cleaner is AWESOME!” And you’ll say things like, “DUH, DAD. It brings the latest robotic technology to the real-world everyday task of vacuuming.”

Or something like that.

And he won’t really use the Roomba and then you’ll end up owning a Roomba and while you might have paid for it, you’ll have also gotten a sweet Father’s Day gift out of it.

It’s like cleaning two birds with one stone. Or having a robot vacuum your house, if you prefer.

How many times have you seen a love triangle in a movie, watching a TV show, reading a book, or browsing a Guyism article and think to yourself, “Man, I’d give anything to be that guy.” Okay, I threw that last one in to feed my own ego, but you have to admit, with the rest of the options, the thought comes along pretty frequently. Here are a few of those fictional love triangles that any guy would kill to have been the dude in.

9 Betty Cooper, Archie Andrews, Veronica Lodge in Archie Comics
Ah, the never-ending debate: Blonde or brunette? This love triangle found Archie Andrews constantly torn between everyone’s favorite wholesome girl next door, Betty Cooper and the spoiled brat, Veronica Lodge. Only in a comic book could a freckly, redheaded guy have the town’s two hottest women pining for his love. And on a side note while we’re focused on Archie comics, does anyone else think Eminem looks a little like Jughead ever since he ditched the bleached hair for the darker do? Just saying… And this here is the reason a certain unnamed writer will be beaten to a bloody pulp by a famous rapper from Detroit.

8 Anne Bancroft, Dustin Hoffman, Katharine Ross in The Graduate
The porn industry serves as proof that the mother/daughter fantasy is a popular one. Ladies, if your mother is even slightly attractive, trust me…the thought has entered your guy’s mind at some point. So when Mrs. Robinson seduced Benjamin, every guy out there was rooting him on. Let’s face it; despite all of the trouble in got him into, Benjamin Braddock was living the dream. Plus, he had Simon & Garfunkel to provide the background music throughout his predicament… Who wouldn’t enjoy a constant stream of Simon & Garfunkel when they’re going through some tough times? It’s hard to stay all riled up with The Sound of Silence stuck in your head.

7 Jennifer Morrison, Hugh Laurie, Lisa Edelstein in House
Dr. Gregory House is a complete asshole. He says what we’re all thinking and doesn’t care much for whatever consequences await him in doing so. It’s been proven time and time again that women love bad guys and House is no exception. Both Dr. Cameron (Morrison) and Dr. Cuddy (Edelstein) are drawn to the guy despite his negativity. Although Cameron is probably the better looking of the two, Cuddy’s rockin’ body (which House points out on a regular basis) brings them neck in neck. No wonder House has had a tough time committing to either one. It’s not a bad deal to have two successful and attractive doctors pining for your love… especially when you seem to be a completely drug-addicted mess who has very little to offer in a serious relationship.

6 Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillipe, Reese Witherspoon in Cruel Intentions
One of the many horrible Hollywood movies saved by a little girl on girl action. It’s almost as if the studios know these films aren’t going to do well, so they say, “Let’s just throw a kissing scene between two women that doesn’t have anything to do with the plot right smack dab in the middle of the film. That oughtta do the trick”. Well, it worked. And although the kissing scene wasn’t between SMG and Reese, I’m sure most guys would’ve loved to be in Ryan Phillipe’s position as he shot the steamy scenes with both of these actresses. Also, here’s to hoping they can somehow still make that SMG/Reese kiss happen in one of the numerous horrible sequels.

5 Evangeline Lilly, Josh Holloway, Elizabeth Mitchell in Lost
No doubt about it… Sawyer (Holloway) was the man. He was able to pull the trigger with both of Jack’s ladies while Jack sat by himself and cried in the corner… over and over again. You toss in Ana Lucia and Sawyer had himself a nice little Love Square. Naked sweaty time in a sweltering jungle with the ridiculously flawless, Kate (Lilly) alone will make you want to be this guy; but playing house with Juliet (Mitchell) when you’ve been left behind on the island isn’t too bad of an option either.

4 Sharon Stone, Michael Douglas, Jeanne Tripplehorn in Basic Instinct
Michael Douglas has made a career out of hooking up with some of Hollywood’s hottest women on camera over the years. However, it was starring in Basic Instinct with Sharon Stone while she was in her prime that got him on this list. His Skin-e-max worthy sex scenes with both Stone and Tripplehorn had guys everywhere wishing they could spend just a few hours in his character Detective Nick Curran’s shoes. While in the real world, Douglas’ marriage to the “only getting better with age” actress, Catherine Zeta-Jones, has guys wishing they could spend their entire lives in the actor’s real-life shoes.

3 Kristen Bell, Jason Segel, Mila Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Much like Betty and Veronica, this love triangle also featured the battle between the blonde and the brunette. In this case, however, the blonde was the rich, stuck up, prissy, self-centered bitch while the brunette was the down-to-earth one. Here’s the problem with this love scenario: these are two of the hottest women on the planet and yet, they were fighting over Jason Segel. So ladies, you can thank this love triangle (and the rest of Hollywood for that matter) whenever a pudgy, average looking guy at a bar thinks he actually has a shot with you.

2 Adrianne Palicki/Minka Kelly–Taylor Kitsch–Madison Burge/Alicia Witt
in Friday Night Lights
Who wouldn’t want to be Tim Riggins? In just four seasons of Friday Night Lights, the dude managed to land himself two separate love triangles. Sure, he may be a washed up, ex-football star living out of a trailer off beer and Easy Mac, but that’s a small price to pay for his track record. More recently, he pulled the mother/daughter combo with high schooler, Becky (Burge) and her hot bartender mom, Cheryl (Witt). But originally, it was the tall and leggy blonde, Tyra (Palicki) versus the crazy hot brunette cheerleader, Lyla (Kelly). Ultimately, Riggins ended up with Lyla who he first got involved with while she was dating his freshly-paralyzed best friend. Classy guy. Although, I can’t blame him… if it meant some quality time with Lyla, I’d probably pull the same move. I might even go so far as to be the reason my best friend ended up in the hospital. You might think that’s a little extreme, but I know he’d do the same for me.

1 Denise Richards, Matt Dillon, Neve Campbell in Wild Things
The only reason anyone even sat through Wild Things was to see Denise Richards and Neve Campbell go at it. It certainly wasn’t the stellar acting. And, the only reason anyone even bought the DVD was so they could easily skip to those specific scenes that were almost worthy of an X rating. It certainly wasn’t so they could focus intently on the enticing and difficult to follow storyline. Matt Dillon’s character gets extra credit (and top billing in this article) for being the only guy on this list who managed to turn his triangle into an actual threesome. Matt’s brother, Kevin might be the more famous Dillon these days, but all guys would easily take Matt’s “entourage” over Kevin’s any day.

Screw lesbian fantasies… We have lesbian REALITY, err, fantasy REALITY! And when did Fox officially become Skinemax?

BONUS LIPSTICK LESBIAN PICS! Olivia Wilde at Blush Boutique Nightclub’s one-year anniversary in Las Vegas, which is obviously the greatest club in the world.

Thanks to Isaac for the tip.

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Part 2

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