In today’s Guyism Speed Round, Katie Nolan discusses Hulk Hogan’s sex tape, a couple who left their child at Chuck E. Cheese’s, and more.

50 Cent Sued Over Violent Attack
“So why is 50 being sued, aside from the fact that he’s rich? Ortiz claims 50 knew or should have known McKenzie was a known criminal who had assaulted in the past.”

Is Elin Nordegren Headed to the Altar?
“Dingman has grown so close to her children Sam and Charlie that Tiger is apparently fuming with jealousy.”

Dancing With The Stars Results: Ron Artest First To Go
“Despite receiving one of the three lowest scores on the first night of competition, Italian TV host and George Clooney ex Elisabetta Canalis and Val Chmerkovskiy were voted through.”

Britney Spears’ Conservatorship Attorneys Seeking $900K in Legal Fees
“Jamie Spears is also asking the court to continue to pay him $16k for his work as Britney’s conservator.”

“Half Pint Brawlers” — Hulk Hogan is Ripping Us Off!
“There were a lot of situations that appeared to be copied from what we already did. There were also statements made by members that are almost the exact words out of my mouth.”

Lea Michele and Boyfriend Theo Stockman Split
“They will always be friends.”

No Doubt Delay Album Release
“We don’t want to rush this album just to get it out.”

Rihanna Announces Fall Release For New Album
“Rihanna hinted that the forthcoming LP may include dubstep influences as heard on her 2009 effort Rated R.”

Fox Considering An All-Simpsons TV Channel
“…there have been a ‘number of meetings’ to determine how to capitalize on its library of episodes of The Simpsons…”

Liam Hemsworth Joins The Expendables 2
“Liam Hemsworth, junior brother of Chris Thor Hemsworth and one star of The Hunger Games, has signed on.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Carla Gugino getting all kinds of sexy in a new photo shoot for Esquire.

Hugh Hefner introduces girlfriend no. 2
“Shera [Bechard] is both our November 2011 Playmate & my new girlfriend.”

Russell Brand and Kristen Wiig named PETA’s Sexiest Vegetarians
“You shouldn’t eat animals, it’s mean to them.”

Lady Gaga unveils panda alter ego on Japanese TV
“…pandas have paws, and I always tell my fans to put their paws up. I’ve been eating a lot of bamboo this week.”

Lady Gaga calls Japan bracelet lawsuit “misguided”
“”The entire $5 donation made with the purchase of each bracelet is going to support the disaster relief.”

David Duchovny & Tea Leoni separate
“It’s not the first time the couple has taken a break.”

Tracy Morgan cracks offensive jokes about the mentally disabled
“Them young retarded males is strong. They’re strong like chimps.”

Shia LaBeouf: “Am I an a**hole for being honest?”
“I would like to be George Clooney – diplomatic.”

Linda Hogan: I thought Hulk was going to kill me
“[Hulk] tore my shirt. He threw lamps. He held me down on the bed with his hands around my throat during arguments, slamming doors, pounding walls.”

Hulk Hogan: Linda is “delusional”
“Linda’s claims of abuse, which she made this morning on the Today show, are ‘a cold, blatant lie.’”

Warner Bros. still planning on a Green Lantern sequel for some reason
“Sources say Warners still believes in the franchise, even if the studio is ‘somewhat disappointed’ with Green Lantern’s result.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Jennifer Hudson’s sexy new music video for her song “No One Gonna Love You.”

Lost creator to January Jones: You suck at acting!
“Emma Frost’s THREE mutant powers: Telepathy, Transformation to Solid Diamond and last but not least, Sucking at Acting.”

Emma Watson: Why I really left Brown University
“I wanted to pretend I wasn’t as famous as I was. I was trying to seek out normality, but I kind of have to accept who I am, the position I’m in and what happened.”

Jennifer Lopez intimate home video allegedly stolen
“…co-executive producer of the project, Ed Meyer, allegedly took the data drive, containing the footage, from her house without her permission.”

Blake Lively, Leonardo DiCaprio went to Disneyland
“…the hot new twosome and their entourage were escorted via private entrance to the front of the line on the “StarTours” ride past 11 p.m..”

Kourtney Kardashian on Kim’s engagement: “I don’t have to get married now”
“Kim getting engaged definitely bought me some time…”

Khloe Kardashian flashes breast on live TV
“My nip slip is all over the internet. Is it weird that I love it?!”

Ultimate Warrior accuses Hulk Hogan of drug use, wife-swap
“Warrior released the rant yesterday to tease a 55 minute anti-Hogan video he plans to release later this month…”

Razor Ramon — Wanna buy my wrestling stuff???
“…he’s hoping to sell the iconic N.W.O. leather vest he wore during his epic Wrestlemania 18 battle with Stone Cold Steve Austin back in 2002.”

Celebrity Rehab season 5 cast revealed
“Dr. Drew’s new patients include tabloid mainstay Michael Lohan, Bai Ling and Baywatch star Jeremy Jackson.”

Tabloid apologizes for hacking into Sienna Miller’s cell phone
“The apology is just the cherry on top for Miller — she is expected to receive £100,000 in damages.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes of Nina Dobrev’s Seventeen Fitness shoot.

Are Justin Timberlake, Ashley Olsen hooking up?
“They’re really trying to keep it on the down-low.”

Halle Berry to star in TV series?
“Higher Learning would feature Berry, 44, as a college professor.”

Hulk Hogan engaged in the “Ultimate” Twitter beef
“Jim Hellwig uploaded a YouTube video in which he claimed to own a ‘huge piece of real estate’ inside the psyche of the 57-year-old reality star.”

Jennifer Hudson joins Three Stooges cast
“Hudson will play one of the nuns in the orphanage where the Stooges spend some time as children…”

Jason Bateman talks Arrested Development movie
“As far as I know, [creator] Mitchell Hurwitz is working on the script and he wants to start shooting at some point this year.”

Rihanna’s “Man Down” video slammed for violence
“‘Man Down’ is an inexcusable, shock-only, shoot-and-kill theme song.”

Bradley Cooper, Olivia Wilde “definitely hooking up”
“Olivia acted jealous when other girls came up to him.”

Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn split
“Speculation about the pair began after Johansson did not attend the Cannes Film Festival with Penn for his movie The Tree of Life.”

Ryan Phillippe, Amanda Seyfried split again
“They were never fully committed.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger hires Jennifer Aniston’s divorce lawyer
“His former Hollywood clients have included Reese Witherspoon and Jessica Simpson.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Leighton Meester stars in a new commercial for Vera Wang.

Pia Toscano signing with Interscope after Idol dismissal
“…first thing [Friday] morning Interscope brass started calling every top songwriter and producer in town to get an album together and rush release it.”

Idol may not allow Pia Toscano to release CD
“When you compete on Idol, you must sign one of the strictest contracts in the business.”

Vanessa Hudgens’ nude photo scandal still haunts her
“The fact that somebody keeps bringing up the past is just selfish. I mean, it sucks … It’s just unfortunate that it keeps reminding people about the past and not the present.”

The Osbournes $1.7 million in debt, risk losing home
“Their daughter Kelly, 26, also owes the government money.”

Holly Madison won’t attend Hugh Hefner’s wedding
“As portrayed on E!’s Girls Next Door, Madison hoped to marry Hefner but eventually moved on and relocated to Las Vegas.”

Hulk Hogan training little people to wrestle for new show
“It will show their extraordinary physical capabilities and the true strength of people of that stature.”

Liam Neeson’s Hangover 2 cameo gets cut
“The scene filmed by Neeson, 58, was cut out of the movie and is now being re-shot with actor/director Nick Cassavetes playing the role.”

Rihanna, Jennifer Lopez to perform at Billboard Music Awards
“Rihanna, Jennifer Lopez, the Black Eyed Peas, Taio Cruz, Keith Urban and 2010′s crossover kings, Lady Antebellum, have all been tapped to perform at the show…”

Rosa Blasi accuses her NFL star ex-husband of using hookers and drugs
“He also slept with my best friend on our wedding day. That was news to me too.”

Ashley Judd clarifies controversial hip-hop statements
“Please, people. Seriously. I am white, yes, but in spite of some allegations to the contrary, I am not an idiot.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Brazilian model Cintia Dicker’s sexy shoot for Aerie’s summer swimwear catalog (pics here).

Hulk Hogan’s alimony payments must be much worse than anyone thought because he’s now suing a cereal company for using his likeness in a commercial.

The commercial features Bam-Bam of the Flintstones fighting a wrestler named “Hulk Boulder”. Bam-Bam won when referee Earl Hebner got distracted by Fred and Barney.

In fairness to the Hulk, that is most definitely a depiction of him. I don’t recall any roided-up wrestlers in the last 30 years with a blond Fu-Manchu. Although, I should admit, I wasn’t privy to the dark era of the WCW in the mid-90s so I guess I could be wrong.

The complaint goes on to mention Hulk’s vast popularity, including his appearance on the cover of Sports Illustrated and having his own Saturday morning cartoon.

For her part, Pebbles Flintstone was not named in the lawsuit. Seems a bit odd considering she bears a striking resemblance to the Hulk’s daughter, Brooke Hogan. And by that I mean, both have a propensity to be half-clothed.

Hulk Hogan trying to bodyslam ‘Hulk’ cereal commercial (video) {The Hollywood Reporter}

Reality TV is what happens when networks decide the brainpower behind “The Young And The Restless” is too expensive. Executives realized that they could just feed the idiot public their own stupid bodies, in what’s basically “Soylent Green With Cameras”. Which makes it especially tragic when “celebrities” indulge: either because you don’t want to see them doing that, or because of what now counts as a “celebrity.”

1. Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Wrestling

Hulk Hogan selling himself for fake wrestling is tragic it’s not a last gasp at fame, it’s just a pay cut.

Watching Hulk coaching Screech from Saved By The Bell is like seeing Optimus Prime pull over on a streetcorner to start dealing pot. Everyone else on the show obviously needs the money: we’ve got three ex-child stars, three ex-playboy models, a Bewitched actress and someone whose only claim to fame is “related to a real famous person”. It’s the perfect cast for the first show to realise “The audience really wants to watch these people being beaten.”

Left: The amazing miniature game show host and former WCW President. Right: Jimmy Hart, who was known as “The Wimp” even when he was popular, twenty years ago.

What he should be doing: Hulk Hogan remains the most ripped over fifty not currently trapped inside Bruce Banner, even though he hired two scale model humans to stand near him every time he’s on camera. He should still be WWE’s central star – the idea that Hulk’s age is the one terrible truth that shatters the fans’ belief in wrestling? That’s like believing in Transformers until you find out Shia LaBeouf is an actor.

2. Chuck Liddell, Dancing With The Stars

We’re telling you, this time last year you would have been terrified of that man.

It’s hard to imagine a worse fate than Chuck Liddell’s, and this is a man whose best days were “Being attacked by barely-trained killers”. The ex-UFC champion started Dancing With The Stars: Lucifer didn’t fall so far, or so fast, or into such an excruciating torture pit. The knife was really twisted (and revealed to be covered in leprosy) when he was eliminated last week – meaning that a panel of independent judges have announced that Sabrina The Teenage Witch is better at some physical activities than him.

We’re fairly sure he preferred being punched in the dick

What he should be doing: He’s an ex-champion unarmed combat expert barred from his career by a judges decision and with nothing nothing to lose. The fact he hasn’t been paired with a by-the-books cop in a vital undercover investigation means at least three drug lords remain free and un-thrown-through-plate-glass today.

3. A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila

This isn’t a TV show, this is an attempt at one of those world records Guinness refuses to cover

In the first episode of her own show Tila dates thirty two people in one night – the stars of “Biggy Titty Gang Bang 17″ didn’t go through that many, and maintained more dignity during the proceedings. Miss Tequila is the odd one out on this list: with the others it’s a shame for them that they sank so low; with her it’s shame on the species that she rose so high. It’s hard to get across how cheap Tila is without giving you chlamydia. This is a porn star on MySpace who wasn’t a spambot – it was actually less expensive to have her promote herself.

What she should be doing: Tila Tequila should be studied by scientists, because if we can cure whatever happened to her we’ll evolve into a race of perfect energy beings. She’s like a plague sample of everything wrong with modern society. Failing that, she could save scientists money by helping them study black holes: tell her there’s a movie role on the table and she’ll suck them so hard she ruptures reality.

4. Jason Acuña, Armed And Famous

This could be a poster for a new Police Academy movie and STILL be better

We are not making this up: Someone decided that an Oompa-Loompa whose entire job description was “Being abused by teenage assholes, often with fish or planks, and kicking himself in the head” should be given a gun and set loose on a small town. Repeat: not making this up. Double repeat: none of it, not even the ridiculously offensive “Oompa-Loompa” bit which he did himself for Jackass.

Defend the second amendment now, we dare you.

What he should be doing: Anything but this.

5. Mr T, I Pity The Fool

For a guy, seeing Mr T doing reality TV is like the Pope finding that Lo, The Second Coming Is Become Word, And He The Son Of God Is Bagging Your Groceries. What makes it most tragic is he’s far and away the most professional of everyone on this list: he knows exactly what he’s doing, and he knows exactly how much he needs the money. There’s none of Tila’s confusion of this being real fame, none of Dustin Diamond’s insane delusion that he’ll ever be known as anything but Screech – Mr T doesn’t let a single second pass unpitied. It’s his catchphrase, it’s the name of the show, and every time he’s on screen it’s because there’s a fool in pitiable range.

This is a broke ex-millionaire fifty-seven year old who can jog into a car dealership wearing a tracksuit, on a mission to help them sell more cars for a reality show, and still pity other people.

What he should be doing: The instant time machines are invented we’re travelling back to 1984 to appear during an A-Team commercial break. “Send us your lunch money!” we’ll say, “We’ve come from the future to save Mr T!”

As a child, there’s so much that goes over your head. For example, look at these seven commercials that you might not think much of as a kid that now seem a little, shall we say, off.

Mr. Bucket has a love-hate relationship with your balls

I don’t really get how this game would be fun in any situation (here, put these balls in a bucket…HAHA IT FELL OUT, what fun!) but Mr. Bucket makes it seem captivating. And vaguely like a dog in a bathtub.

It’s so whimsical the way he requests balls being put in any open orifice. Singing and dancing around, just begging for you to toss them inside of him. It’s like hanging out with the male members of the cast of Rent at their show afterparties.

The Hulkamania Workout Set will make you get sweaty and shirtless with grown men

Hulkamania was a big thing for kids in the 80s. Hulk Hogan taught life lessons, won championships, did copious amounts of steroids…so of course the then-WWF wanted to pass his ideologies onto kids. Through the Hulkamania Workout Set (in a commercial that, oddly, didn’t feature Hulk Hogan, but rather his archnemesis, Paul Orndorff).

I can only imagine this boy’s father coming in to the room at the end of the commercial…

“Son, why is there a giant hole in the wall? And a shirtless man? And why are you also shirtless? Oh you’re just working out…whew! Welp, back to the living room, where I drink copiously and ignore any loud noises. Parenting is hard!”

The Baby Wee-Wee loves indecent exposure

There have been a ton of dolls that pee. I guess that’s fine enough because kids like dolls that excrete things like urine or vomit or blood or chocolate sauce for whatever reason. But this commercial just leaves no mystery to how things work.

So if you’ve ever wanted to see a child doll’s penis leaking fake urine, congratulations! You can now cross that off your Mr. Bucket list. I don’t know why it’s so cute when a doll does it though. Every time I pull down my pants in front of grade schoolers it’s a “problem” and “arrest” and often “prison sentence” followed by a “Megan’s Law”. These injustices will not be forgotten.

Shoot your goo in a friend’s face with Super Soaker’s Oozinator

Super Soaker inundated consumers with dozens upon dozens of water guns…the Super Soaker 50, The Super Soaker XP100, the Super Soaker Chain Gun, whatever. So when sometimes you have to venture out of your comfort zone…in this case, “goo” replaces water.

I guess you have to learn the lesson of “I don’t want sticky liquids shot at me” one way or another. These boys are just lucky they didn’t learn it at the hands of an all too friendly uncle or professor. Kids today have it so easy.

Love ‘N’ Licks will get you wet and messy

Many a child couldn’t have a real puppy when they grew up. So look at the next best thing: Love ‘N’ Licks, a puppy that simulates the best part of any puppy experience: the love!

Oh…well, that sounds less wholesome than a real puppy would. Puppies shouldn’t be involved with humans like that. Unless it’s for a “special movie” with licensed professionals and key grips. And jars of peanut butter. And many many regretful glances.

Wham-O’s Fun Fountain gets kids all wet and excited

This commercial isn’t as bad until you really look at what’s going on here. The horror movie-esque camera lens, the dead eyes of the clown head, the boys and girls alone in a forest…something bad is about to happen.

If these kids didn’t end up dead at the hands of a hockey mask and machete-wielding killer immediately after the camera cut, I’d be disappointed. The way the commercial was shot just struck me as inappropriate too. The girl leaping through the water with the lens slowed down…very seductively filmed. It’s good to see that Roman Polanski got work after his legal problems forced him to leave the country.

The Michael Jackson doll wants kids to make it do splits

Michael Jackson was big in the 80s, so it seemed logical enough that he would have a doll in his likeness. But with all that transpired since, what with the surgery and the freakishness and the llamas and the child diddling allegations, this commercial takes on a much less innocent tone.

Kids yelling I love Michael Jackson without a tinge of irony to it…I have no doubts in my mind that Michael Jackson gets a tingle in his groin even to this day when seeing the commercial. Then he thinks about how these kids are almost 30 now and shudders, visibly repulsed.

Here’s a bonus one that I stumbled across that, while it isn’t a toy, kind of freaked me out. Chuck E. Cheese hangs out with a mom and her kids.

The part that put it over the top for me…when the mom lovingly hugs Chuck E. at the end, as if she’s saying, “Son, meet your new stepfather. Hopefully he’ll be less of an alcoholic than your real one. Also he’s a rat. Cool? Cool.”

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If you want to ruin your childhood further, check out the 6 creepiest guys living in a sitcom household. Or for more crapty toys and such, check out the most unnecessary kid products. Is there a commercial that I forgot? Leave it in the comments.