I get that, as a business, you need to have a little pizazz to stand out. I get so annoyed by cutesy crap in establishments, like when there are performers at the restaurant or when there’s a show where the actors come into the audience and, I dunno, throw a bag of crap at you. You know what’s great? Brazilian steakhouses. You get floads of meat and it’s fast and steady and they have their fanciness in the form of serving it to you off a SWORD. You know who else ate foods off of swords? Vikings. And Jesus.

Also I’d trust the cleanliness of a Turkish street vendor touching up on my ice cream cone about as much as I would a needle I’m licking that I found outside a halfway house. Why am I licking street needles you ask? One of life’s many great questions.

All I can say is that I hope that Breyer’s was able to execute this campaign without going over budget. The last time someone had me posed like that when I was a child, it took a crapload of Ninja Turtles toys and one hell of a VW van. Only difference is that I was the popsicle in that situation :-(.