I don’t like setting goals. Invariably, I do, but I hate doing it. Because then when you can’t accomplish your goal, there’s no sense of failure quite as profound. But what if your goal was to not achieve a particular goal? Then you achieved your goal by failing. If you’re a robot reading this, that paradox just made your head explode. Unfortunately I’m not too big in the robot community. Probably not enough jokes in binary.

It seems too obvious to point out that this kid has basically just seen 99% of the future encounters he’ll have with women over the next 20 years. What he should do is take this as a learning experience as he grows older. That learning experience being that girls in elementary school only like flowers 50% of the time. Stick to toys and candy, those are proven methods of success. And when he’s 45 and still giving gifts to elementary school girls before asking them to keep a terrible secret, he can look back on this and laugh.

What does this pic have to do with the story? Well, when you consider that other possible images involve “child” and “rape,” it’s probably not a good idea for me to post anything in a related Google search

Detective Randy Ritchason said the girl had some type of sexual contact with three other children – two boys and a girl -all under the age of 10. She was charged in Muskingum County Juvenile Court.

“I believe it’s the youngest perpetrator we’ve had,” Ritchason said. “We’ve had young teens before, but she is about the youngest I’ve ever dealt with.”

Rhonda Hinkle, a supervisor with Muskingum County Children’s Services, said the girl is a very rare case, but her office is continually seeing more and more children who are committing sex crimes, not just being victims.

“I think a lot of it has to do with society today,” Hinkle said. “We have so many blended families today, we have all the technology that children at young ages are allowed access to and we have entirely different sets of values and issues then ever before.”

“I think people need to understand the charge of rape means any type of penetration there is during the act, no matter how slight,” Ritchason said. “It doesn’t necessarily mean a suspect has someone tied down or beats them and then rapes them. A person under the age of 18 doesn’t have to be forced, either.”

So did she actually have sex with them? Penetrate them willingly with a Big Bird dildo? Who knows?

That doesn’t sound like a good thing for our freedoms. I mean, yeah, kids under a certain age shouldn’t be boning. It’s just bad for them and kind of creepy. But at the same time, she says ANY PERSON UNDER THE AGE OF 18 can be a victim of “rape,” even when they’re a willing participant. So if I were 16 and had sex with a 28 year-old woman by some grace of God and charity on her part, there’s a chance she’d end up tried for rape. Which is not okay. We should be offering this fictional woman tax credits and hugs for her contributions to teenage fantasies, not persecuting her.

Unrelated, any sex of an adult with an 11 year-old is still rape. No matter how many video games and glasses of wine mixed with Pepsi are exchanged or no matter how much she believes that her parents died in a tragic spelunking accident. The more you know.

[source]

This girl’s boobs say what we’re all thinking

Maureen Trickett, an event organizer for 8minuteDating.com, had an idea based on all the hype surrounding younger men dating older women. She decided last year to plan an event specifically for that demographic – a night of speed dating for women-of-a-certain-age and the boyish men who love them.

“I need eight men,” Trickett explained. “If I don’t get eight, the system cancels the event.”

Trickett decided it was worth a second try. She set up another speed dating event for a recent Sunday afternoon at Tommy Doyle’s in Kendall Square, this time for older women and younger men, as well as older men and younger women. The room would be split in half – age-inappropriate on both sides.

But again she had a shortage of younger men. The “cougar event,” as Trickett was calling it, was canceled.

The older men/younger women event went on as planned, but only because Trickett waived the fee for a few women so that they’d sign up and the numbers would be even.

Despite what magazines and tabloids might suggest, Trickett said, despite all the talk of cougar culture, men still want to date younger women, and older women . . . well, their options are limited.

I hate how the media takes a trend and runs with it like it’s fact so KUDOS to the Boston Globe for getting some proof that nobody really WANTS old women. You know why young men f old ladies at bars? Because they’re desperate and drunk. Most guys would f a juicer by the time last call comes around, so your haggardly ass is a f’ing vacation by comparison. No young man wants to date an old lady and be seen in public and hear things like, “Oh, your mom seems nice.”

Here’s a plan for you, older women. Act age appropriate. Date a banker or some guy who wears a shirt and says things like, “I find that Life on Mars show to be utterly compelling” or “My 401k is robust and diversified” and stay away from me. Every time I’ve fed an older woman I feel like I raped myself with her vagina.

[whole lot more at the source article]

This is funny but it’s lacking something. If you’re going to give people a guide about drinking and not mention the dangers of date rape, you’re doing a serious disservice to yourself and your readers. Date rape is a harrowing process. Oh not like if you’re a chick, I mean like, if you’re a guy and you f a fat girl. It’s basically like you raped yourself with your own dick. And the showers will wash off the stench of Cheetos and smelly fat girl vagina but not the stench of the harsh realization that yes, in fact, you’ve lost at life. So take that next Irish Car Bomb with caution, fellows.

Sexy women in bikinis really do inspire some men to see them as objects, according to a new study of male behavior.

Brain scans revealed that when men are shown pictures of scantily clad women, the region of the brain associated with tool use lights up.

And in a “shocking” finding, Fiske noted, some of the men studied showed no activity in the part of the brain that usually responds when a person ponders another’s intentions.

This means that these men see women “as sexually inviting, but they are not thinking about their minds,” Fiske said. “The lack of activation in this social cognition area is really odd, because it hardly ever happens.”

It’s really great that research grants are given to important research like this because otherwise I’d be really concerned about myself. I mean I’m always looking at someone like the lovely Audrina Patridge, pictured above, and wondering why I’m solely attracted to her physically instead of asking what’s going on in her head. Never mind the fact that with Audrina I’m pretty sure all that’s going on in there is a lonely brain cell eating glue and throwing a Super Ball against the walls of her skull while watching episodes of Two and a Half Men. You can check out more of Audrina’s thoughts on foreign policy and the economic stimulus package below.

Honestly sometimes I wish I were just a hot chick in a bikini because then everyone would pay attention to me without me having to cut myself or dress up like Strawberry Shortcake. Some may say that’s not “good attention” but to those people I say “DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’VE MADE ME DO TO MYSELF…I’M A PRETTY GIRL, I’M A PRETTY GIRL.” It makes sense in context, trust me.

[source]

I don’t actually advocate calling one of those numbers though, unless you’re an adventurer. And not the type of adventurer who finds an artifact like Indiana Jones, but the type of adventurer who’d walk penis first into a San Francisco glory hole with no condom on. You know…the good kind of adventurer.

No, you’re not more retarded than a child who’d normally be tackling this maze on a Curious George book; there is in fact no way to get the the hula hoop. While some may see this as a typographical error which is the fault of a printer or a mazemaker who has lost the passion for his ever-important job, I think it’s a cold hard glance at reality. Here’s the facts kids, straight from your ol’ pal Curious George…you can’t always get what you want, no matter how prepared or dedicated you are. Also, never trust a monkey who hangs out with a guy with a hat that matches his jumpsuit. He may seem friendlier than the other monkeys you’ve met at zoos or Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, but he’s not. No matter how much you want to believe.

[Via this Flickr-errrr]

I think that this teaches an important lesson, one I’ve been imparting for years. It’s a lesson about intolerance. People say we should be accepting of all types of different people and, as a whole, that’s a great idea. Unless someone is different and annoys you or grosses you out in some way. For example, if you’re a post-op tranny (or faux post-op tranny like the video above) or someone with a Quatto or if you smell like raw cabbage, I think I should totally reserve the right to at least mentally go “Yuck.” Leave me that dignity.

Another important lesson: Women play fed up tricks and, as a result, you should train them to cut the crap out at an early age. They don’t make crawl spaces for nothing folks.

In text form, in case you get confused and can’t read words on images:

When having sex, you pull out right before you ejaculate. Go in your own hand. Get the girl to face you and before she realizes it, use your thumb to smear some sperm across her forehead and say “Simba”.

“I used the Lion King on my girlfriend last night”

I loved the Lion King as a child and I can only imagine that adding this dimension to the film would really spice it up. At the very least, it’d probably spice it up a bit more than my previous attempts. Imagining myself having sex with Nala just made me feel like a creep and imagining Scar getting into an orgy with the hyenas just made me envision Whoopi Goldberg nude on the ground in the Serengeti, so this seems like a reasonable compromise.

I always enjoy these sexual terms but I have to wonder if anyone has ever actually done any of them. I can imagine that, at worst, anything like a Chili Dog or a Strawberry Shortcake would get you divorced and possibly jailed while, at best, you’re going to lose the respect of someone and probably yourself. And that sure doesn’t taste like a real chili dog, believe me on that.

What’s in a kiss?

That’s what a Hicksville, N.Y. mother would like to know after her young daughter’s kiss left her with hearing loss and tinnitus, Newsday reported.

When Gail Schwartzman’s daughter, who is now 6, kissed Schwartzman’s ear, it wasn’t the sound that damaged her hearing, it was the suction force, which displaced the eardrum and paralyzed a trio of bones.

The incident happened two years ago, but will be the subject of an upcoming medical journal report, which outlines “the kiss of deaf.”

“That was some kiss,” said Lisa Freeman of the American Tinnitus Foundation. “Typically (loud noises are) the perception of sound in the ears or head. This can range from ringing, clicking, swishing or buzzing and can cycle to movements of highs and lows.”

“The moral here is simple,” said Levi Reiter, chairman of audiology at Hofstra University in Hempstead, N.Y., who studied Schwartzman’s case and said a similar incident happened in the 1950s. “Try not to hurt the ones you love.”

Yeah, and definitely don’t f the ear of someone you love either. Sure, there are few things as satisfying as humping the head of someone you love and ejaculating on both their hammer and anvil, but proceed with caution. Unless you’re dating Helen Keller. In which case, JACKPOT!..until you get the water bill, I guess. Always with the water, Helen. That crap ain’t free.