There are loads of male characters in all manner of fictional text and media. Some, though, have such innate manliness that you could practically distill and bottle it. Here’s a list of the manliest fictional characters ever to grace the page and screen.

8 Conan the Barbarian

8 Conan the Barbarian
Forget the movies. In the old novels that defined Conan’s character, he is a giant of a man with a commanding presence. He inspires scores of men who would follow him into battle at any given moment. Conan the Barbarian is a brilliant tactician, has a strict code of honor and women are drawn to him with immutable attraction. He faces monsters, magic and mayhem by day and goes drinking and wenching by night. Wenching! And to top it all off, he has all the rage and fury of his ancestors. Plus, his last name is “the Barbarian” and if that’s not manly, I don’t know what is.

7 Master Chief (of the ‘Halo’ series)
The Master Chief has no life of his own. He is the last of his kind and duty rules his actions. He relies on his Mjolnir armor, just as humanity relies on him: as a shield and protector. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and strives only to live another day to fight for the sake of humanity.

6 Wolverine
Nothing says warm and fuzzy like razor-sharp adamantium claws. This is a man who shows tough love or no love at all. He’s a rough, rogue of a mutant man who loves fighting, drinking and smoking big-ass cigars. Man or mutant, he easily makes the cut.

5 Indiana Jones
Indiana Jones is known for his resourcefulness, selflessness and utter luck. He’s intelligent, but fallibly human. Indy is an everyman that gets stuck in crazy situations he deals with not by brute strength or special powers, but by his sheer tenacity and clever manipulation of dangerous circumstances. And like every good man, a good woman and good friends are never far behind to help when the going gets rough.

4 Doom Guy (of the ‘Doom’ series)
The Doom Guy is manliness incarnate. His only form of communication is grunting in pain. When he cries, he cries blood. And, goddamn can that dude blast through hell spawn with a sinister level of enthusiasm and intensity. Want to make Doom Guy happy? Give him some chain gun ammo.

3 James Bond
James Bond has it all: intelligence, charm, cool confidence and a whole lot of guns and gadgets at his disposal. He is a killing machine, but he’s also a lover, falling for (and bedding) just about every beautiful woman he meets. He embodies a man’s quest for love and violence with style and aplomb.

2 Jack Bauer (of ’24′)
This is one of the most conflicted, deeply passionate characters on this list. And when I say passionate, I mean unstable. His knowledge of hand-to-hand combat is formidable, his use of guns and knives inspire awe and dread and his interrogation techniques are brutal, all in the name of protecting America. Plus, he’ll yell at you right in your face. And no one likes to be yelled at.

1 Batman
Tights aside, Batman’s altruistic form of revenge on evil-doers for the murder of his parents makes him a man’s man. He strikes fear into the hearts of his enemies, rides a thin line between psycho-vigilante and straight lawman and goes above and beyond, dedicating his life to crime fighting in the name of peace and justice.

Guyism’s first birthday is October 12th so in the week leading up to this momentous occasion, we thought you might enjoy this forgotten classic that many of our newer readers may have missed. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ]]>

Guyism’s first birthday is October 12th so in the week leading up to this momentous occasion, we thought you might enjoy this forgotten classic that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Whether swapping stories with old pals during happy hour or sharing a drink with the stranger on the bar stool next to you, interesting conversation makes any round of drinks better. Sure, Bob’s story about how he saw Derek Jeter step in a dog turd was funny the first time, but the twentieth – not so much. Here are six guys that rock the small screen and would surely add a little spice to the conversation of that much needed post work drink.

6 Dexter Morgan
Okay, maybe grabbing a beer with a serial killer wouldn’t most people’s idea of a relaxing after work drink. I think Dexter’s former rival, Sgt. Doakes put it best when he said, “the guy’s a fucking creep show.” But he’s a complete badass creep show who convinces you to cheer for a person who has basically no moral compass at all. Dexter manages struggle to hold together a career, family and still make time for his nocturnal activities. Yes, he’s a cold blooded killer, but he does have ethics and only kills those who have it coming to them. Just don’t give him a reason to look into your personal file after happy hour is over.

5 Tommy Gavin
Tommy Gavin, the hard drinking, womanizing firefighter portrayed by Denis Leary on Rescue Me doesn’t exactly fit into the positive role model category. However, I can’t think of a guy who would have better drinking stories. He was raised in a family of NYC firefighters and the firehouse is the only somewhat stable thing in his life. A divorced alcoholic who sees the ghosts of family and strangers lost in past infernos, he’s a risk taker who simply doesn’t give a damn. Considering, his battles with alcohol suggesting a drink with Tommy Gavin may not be the best idea. But if he does take you up on the offer, you can bet it’ll be Irish whiskey.

4 Tony Soprano
Sitting down for a beer or glass of wine with the acting boss of the New Jersey mob might be a little nerve wracking at first. Whether you’re at Bada Bing or Vesuvio you can bet that with Tony Soprano at your table you’ll get top shelf service. Like a few of the other guys on the list, Tony Soprano has bouts of depression and violence, and struggles to hold together his personal life and business affiliations with the mafia. His family ties are constantly strained just as much as the relationships with criminal partners, yet he is always the life of the party, cracking jokes and telling stories. If he bust your balls a little it would probably be wise to just fuggetaboutit.

3 Angus MacGyver
Quite possibly the only modern action hero to never carry a gun, instead MacGyver opts for his trusty pocket knife and duct tape. A former race car driver and Vietnam veteran, he worked for the Phoenix Foundation diffusing bombs with rubber bands and bubble gum for seven seasons on the ‘80s TV series of the same name. The guy rocks a mullet and leather bomber jacket and talks about his childhood a lot. But you can bet that if you find yourself trapped in a North Korean bunker with only a bottle of grape juice, rubbing alcohol, a lighter, and a paper clip, MacGyver will safely get your ass outta there — and whip up a tasty cocktail.

2 B.A. Baracus
You can’t have a list of badass TV characters and not include Mr. T… I think it might even be a law in California. One fourth of the ex- United States Special Forces unit known as the A-Team, Mr. T rocked a mohawk while kicking ass in the -80s. Known for his size and strength B.A. (bad attitude) is an expert at hand to hand combat, which usually just involves knocking his opponents out or hurling them. Not just the muscle in the group, Baracus is a whiz of a mechanic and drives the A-Team around in a sweet 1983 black GMC van. His character doesn’t drink alcohol, preferring milk instead. So you might have to settle for milkshakes while discussing the finer things in life, like bazookas and excessive gold jewelry.

1 Jack Bauer
Jack likes guns… and bombs… a lot. Having a drink with Jack Bauer don’t expect a lot of joking around, as he’s not really known to have a great sense of humor. What he is good at is killing would-be terrorist and saving America’s ass time and time again. Actor Kiefer Sutherland has played the Counter Terrorist Unit agent for eight seasons on 24 and is expected to take the popular character to the big screen following the show’s conclusion. An expert at firearms, flying planes and helicopters, and speaking several languages he’s basically a live action G.I. Joe for adults. Judging from any episode of the show his schedule is pretty hectic, so getting him to put down the Glock for a whiskey sour might be difficult.

TV characters. We love watching them, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we’d want to hang out with them. After all, sometimes it’s better for the characters on our TVs to stay on our TVs. Let’s look at some characters that we love to watch, but wouldn’t want to meet ]]>

TV characters. We love watching them, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we’d want to hang out with them. After all, sometimes it’s better for the characters on our TVs to stay on our TVs. Let’s look at some characters that we love to watch, but wouldn’t want to meet anytime soon.

8 Josiah Bartlet
This fictional President made a great leader. He was loved and worshiped by almost everyone in the country and could deliver a hell of a speech. That said, we’d never want to hang out with him. Because seriously, who wants to hang out with an old man who does nothing but ramble about morality and Galileo all the time?

7 Johnny “Drama” Chase
Drama’s a funny guy to watch, so it’s often easy to forget that he’s an unemployed sycophant with no talent and no career. His fits of anger might be funny on TV, but hanging out with him might be a little less fun, especially if you find yourself stuck in the living room watching eight hours of nothing but Viking Quest replays.

6 Eric Cartman
We all already have that friend: the obese hateful bigot who spends most of his time concocting schemes to exterminate the Jews and feed children with their own dead parents. Everyone already knows that fat dude who regularly gets anal probes from aliens and thinks that gingers don’t have souls. So who needs another?

5 Jack Bauer
You ever have one of those really intense friends that just needs to be doing something constantly? That’s Jack — he doesn’t eat, sleep, go to the bathroom, or relax in any way. He won’t go to basketball games and you’ll never be able to convince him to spend a night on the couch watching Top Chef. Sure, he might be fun to hang out with in small doses, but good luck putting up with his intensity and action-packed days for any extended period of time. Also, he f-cking murders people in cold blood.

4 Dexter Morgan
Like Bauer, this guy was born to kill. But unlike the revered CTU agent, Dexter hides his true colors behind a facade of geniality — you’ll never know he’s a murderer unless you’re one of his victims. Of course, he only murders other murderers, so spending time with him could even be kind of fun… until you accidentally kill a hooker. Yep, Dexter might seem cool at first, but one poorly planned trip to Vegas and suddenly he’s after your blood. So let’s just stay away from this serial killer.

3 Hannah Montana
“What?” you’re probably saying. “Why wouldn’t I want to hang out with a cool girl like Miley?” Well, you would. In two months. On or any time after November 23rd, 2010. We can’t wait.

2 The Smoke Monster
Look, we know it’s tough to be a smoke monster. Nobody takes you very seriously when you’re incorporeal and can’t cross water or ash. And we know that all you want to do is go home. That doesn’t mean it’s okay to just go around murdering people indiscriminately, especially since they just want to go home too. How are we supposed to pick up girls when they ask for your name and you just make that ticka-ticka noise? Then when we’re about to take them home, you turn into poisonous sleep spiders and paralyze them. Sorry, Smokey, we’re not hanging out anymore.

1 Glenn Beck
Who’d want to hang out with this guy? Thank God he doesn’t exist.

Whether swapping stories with old pals during happy hour or sharing a drink with the stranger on the bar stool next to you, interesting conversation makes any round of drinks better. Sure, Bob’s story about how he saw Derek Jeter step in a dog turd was funny the first ]]>

Whether swapping stories with old pals during happy hour or sharing a drink with the stranger on the bar stool next to you, interesting conversation makes any round of drinks better. Sure, Bob’s story about how he saw Derek Jeter step in a dog turd was funny the first time, but the twentieth – not so much. Here are six guys that rock the small screen and would surely add a little spice to the conversation of that much needed post work drink.

1 Dexter Morgan
Okay, maybe grabbing a beer with a serial killer wouldn’t most people’s idea of a relaxing after work drink. I think Dexter’s former rival, Sgt. Doakes put it best when he said, “the guy’s a fucking creep show.” But he’s a complete badass creep show who convinces you to cheer for a person who has basically no moral compass at all. Dexter manages struggle to hold together a career, family and still make time for his nocturnal activities. Yes, he’s a cold blooded killer, but he does have ethics and only kills those who have it coming to them. Just don’t give him a reason to look into your personal file after happy hour is over.

2 Tommy Gavin
Tommy Gavin, the hard drinking, womanizing firefighter portrayed by Denis Leary on Rescue Me doesn’t exactly fit into the positive role model category. However, I can’t think of a guy who would have better drinking stories. He was raised in a family of NYC firefighters and the firehouse is the only somewhat stable thing in his life. A divorced alcoholic who sees the ghosts of family and strangers lost in past infernos, he’s a risk taker who simply doesn’t give a damn. Considering, his battles with alcohol suggesting a drink with Tommy Gavin may not be the best idea. But if he does take you up on the offer, you can bet it’ll be Irish whiskey.

3 Tony Soprano
Sitting down for a beer or glass of wine with the acting boss of the New Jersey mob might be a little nerve wracking at first. Whether you’re at Bada Bing or Vesuvio you can bet that with Tony Soprano at your table you’ll get top shelf service. Like a few of the other guys on the list, Tony Soprano has bouts of depression and violence, and struggles to hold together his personal life and business affiliations with the mafia. His family ties are constantly strained just as much as the relationships with criminal partners, yet he is always the life of the party, cracking jokes and telling stories. If he bust your balls a little it would probably be wise to just fuggetaboutit.

4 Angus MacGyver
Quite possibly the only modern action hero to never carry a gun, instead MacGyver opts for his trusty pocket knife and duct tape. A former race car driver and Vietnam veteran, he worked for the Phoenix Foundation diffusing bombs with rubber bands and bubble gum for seven seasons on the ‘80s TV series of the same name. The guy rocks a mullet and leather bomber jacket and talks about his childhood a lot. But you can bet that if you find yourself trapped in a North Korean bunker with only a bottle of grape juice, rubbing alcohol, a lighter, and a paper clip, MacGyver will safely get your ass outta there — and whip up a tasty cocktail.

5 B.A. Baracus
You can’t have a list of badass TV characters and not include Mr. T… I think it might even be a law in California. One fourth of the ex- United States Special Forces unit known as the A-Team, Mr. T rocked a mohawk while kicking ass in the -80s. Known for his size and strength B.A. (bad attitude) is an expert at hand to hand combat, which usually just involves knocking his opponents out or hurling them. Not just the muscle in the group, Baracus is a whiz of a mechanic and drives the A-Team around in a sweet 1983 black GMC van. His character doesn’t drink alcohol, preferring milk instead. So you might have to settle for milkshakes while discussing the finer things in life, like bazookas and excessive gold jewelry.

6 Jack Bauer
Jack likes guns… and bombs… a lot. Having a drink with Jack Bauer don’t expect a lot of joking around, as he’s not really known to have a great sense of humor. What he is good at is killing would-be terrorist and saving America’s ass time and time again. Actor Kiefer Sutherland has played the Counter Terrorist Unit agent for eight seasons on 24 and is expected to take the popular character to the big screen following the show’s conclusion. An expert at firearms, flying planes and helicopters, and speaking several languages he’s basically a live action G.I. Joe for adults. Judging from any episode of the show his schedule is pretty hectic, so getting him to put down the Glock for a whiskey sour might be difficult.

Via PHD Comics comes this look at the differences between the science on our favorite TV shows and how it is in real life.

It’s true, TV is really deceptive. For example did you know that there isn’t actually an underwater community with ]]>

Via PHD Comics comes this look at the differences between the science on our favorite TV shows and how it is in real life.

It’s true, TV is really deceptive. For example did you know that there isn’t actually an underwater community with a sponge and some fat sea mollusk and a squirrel in an astronaut suit? More liberal media spin from Nickelodeon.

Really though, if you can’t accept that TV takes some jumps in logic, you can probably just die. If TV were real life, Jack Bauer would spend countless hours on 24 filling out paperwork and dealing with explosive diarrhea from the toxins he was exposed to. But weeks of a show with a guy filing reports and asking for softer toilet paper for his sensitive asshole isn’t the most compelling thing on TV. More compelling than The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency, sure. But watching Jill Scott’s fat ass bathing in butter while she does a sexy hippo dance for you would be more compelling than that “Hey, we’ve got black people that aren’t criminals on HBO! Love us!” drivel.