Charlize Theron swears off marriage
“Some would say because I came from a very troubled marriage.”

Amber Rose denies sending nude photos to Nicki Minaj’s boyfriend
“This is the second time this year that Rose, who is currently dating rapper Wiz Khalifa, has been the victim of nude photo leaks.”

Lindsay Lohan’s Hamptons birthday celebration off
“Despite hitting the town Wednesday night now that her house arrest has ended, Lindsay Lohan is planning a low-key birthday celebration this weekend.”

Randy Jackson, Steven Tyler confirmed for American Idol season 11
“…the unknown for season 11 continues to be the just-completed run’s other popular new judge, singer Jennifer Lopez…”

Man blames Jerry Seinfeld, The Marriage Ref for his divorce
“Kohlenberg alleges that his ex, Christine, became so obsessed with becoming a star after the couple’s March 2010 appearance on the show that it broke up their marriage.”

MSNBC suspends Mark Halperin for calling President Obama “a dick” on live TV
“I can’t explain why I did it. It’s inappropriate, disrespectful. I’ve already apologized, and I will again to the President.”

Pamela Anderson sued for building failure
“Hallier blames Pam on his company’s failure to sell a number of the condos and is suing for $22.5 million.”

Madonna reveals plans to open an orphanage in Malawi
“My short term goals are to build an orphan care center that will service and reach at least 1,000 children…”

Crazed fan rushes “Octo-Mom” at celebrity boxing match
“Things went awry, however, when the belligerent fan jumped into the ring, tossing out marriage proposals.”

Courtney Love reportedly steals famed photographer David LaChapelle’s car
“Courtney did take his car. David was flipping out and going crazy at the front desk that Courtney stole his car.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes of Beyonce’s new L’Uomo Vogue cover shoot.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

For a show that was supposed to be about nothing, Seinfeld sure had plenty of sports episodes. Golf, tennis, baseball and hockey were all used for episodes that centered around sports. And now that Jerry’s scheduled to call a Mets game with Keith Hernandez, it’s time to paint your face like Puddy and get yourself ready. Here are 10 of the best Seinfeld sports moments.

10 Kramer Asks Paul O’Neill for a Favor
Kramer makes his way into the Yankees locker room to find Paul O’Neill. He asks him to hit two home runs for a sick kid in the hospital, even though it’s really so Kramer can get a birthday card back.

Paul O’Neill: “You promised a kid in the hospital that I’d hit two homeruns?”

Kramer: “Yeah, what — no good?”

Paul O’Neill: “No it’s no good…it’s terrible. I mean, you don’t hit home runs like that, it’s hard to hit home runs. And where the heck did you get two from?”

9 Another Game for Milos!
Jerry finds out that the salesman he bought his tennis racquet from is actually terrible at playing the game. This upsets Jerry tremendously and the salesman, Milos, promises to make it up to him. The plot has some twists and turns, but it comes down to Jerry tanking a tennis match so Milos can look like a man again to his hot wife.

Milos: Another game for Milos! Hahaha!

Jerry: You’re on fire today.

Milos: Hey Patty. look at this guy. He’s awful! He’s not a man, this Jerry. He’s not even married like I am.

Jerry: Hey, uh, Milos, I don’t mind rolling over here, but could you lighten up on the ‘not a man’ stuff?

Milos: Hey everybody, look! The little chicken girl wants me to ease up. He can’t handle this, so he cries like a woman!

8 Kramer Dominates the Dojo
Kramer becomes a force in “kah-rah-tay”, except it’s at a dojo full of young kids. He ends up getting beat up in an alley by them but not before explaining the “katra” to Elaine.

Kramer: The first time I sparred with an opponent, I was terrified. My legs, they were like noodles. But then I looked inside, and I found my katra.

Elaine: Katra?

Kramer: Yeah, your spirit, your, uh, being. The part of you that says, “Yes, I can!”

Jerry: Sammy Davis had it.

Kramer: So I listened to my katra and now I’m dominating the dojo. I’m class champion. Ka-ra-te Jerry ka-ra-te sound bite

7 Jay Buhner Has a Rocket for an Arm
George Steinbrenner has stopped by the Costanza residence to tell them the bad news that their son George is dead. Frank Costanza is tremendously upset. But not about George. He’s mad about a certain Yankee trade.

Frank: What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?!? He had 30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year, he’s got a rocket for an arm, you don’t know what the hell you’re doin’!!

Steinbrenner: Well, Buhner was a good prospect, no question about it. But my baseball people love Ken Phelps’ bat. They kept saying ‘Ken Phelps, Ken Phelps’.

6 Was It the AM/PM?
Elaine is hosting Jean Paul, the marathoner that overslept at the Olympics and missed the marathon. Jerry has designs on making sure he doesn’t miss his race in New York. But first they want to find out why Jean Paul missed out on the Olympics.

Jean-Paul: Man, it wasn’t the snooze. Most people think it was the snooze, but no, no snooze.

Jerry: AM/PM.

Jean-Paul: Man, it wasn’t the AM/PM. It was the volume.

Jerry: Ah…the volume.

Jean-Paul: Yes, the volume. There was a separate knob for the radio alarm.

Jerry: Ah, separate knob.

Jean-Paul: Yes, separate knob. Why separate knob?! Why separate knob?!

5 How They Talk in the Major Leagues
George meets with some executives from the Houston Astros to discuss interleague play and adopts a whole new style of conversation.

George: Hey, you bastards.

Jerry: Hey, how was the meeting?

George: I really like those sons of bitches.

Jerry: Sons of bitches?

George: Yeah! That’s how they talk. You know, everyone’s either a bastard or a son of a bitch.

Yeah, it’s like uh…”boy, that son of a bitch Boggs can really hit, uh?!”

Jean-Paul: Really?

George: Yeah, yeah. That’s how they talk in the major league.

4 Joe DiMaggio Dunks His Donuts
Kramer reveals to the Elaine and Jerry that Joe DiMaggio is a “dunker”, but Jerry does not believe it.

Kramer: Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him and I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example, he dunks.

Elaine: Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut?

Kramer: That’s right.

Jerry: See, now I know it’s not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.

Kramer: Oh, he’s a dunker.

Elaine: Why couldn’t he be a dunker?

Kramer: And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I’m uh, you know, like I’m sitting in there, you know. And I start banging on the table, you know, to uh, look up, you know, Like I’m sitting there you know and uh, bang, you know, bang! He wouldn’t move. So then I start doing these yelping noises. Like, yip! yip! No reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that’s going on around him. See, that’s how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits.

3 George Teaches Jeter and Bernie Williams About Hitting
George abstains from sex and the effects transform him into some sort of savant. Besides dominating at Jeopardy! and figuring out absolute zero, George bestows some of his new found knowledge on Yankees stars Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams.

George: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It’s simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. (Hits a home run) It’s not complicated.

Jeter: Now who are you again?

George: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.

Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?

George: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?

Jeter: We won the World Series.

George: In six games.

2 Keith Hernandez, The Magic Loogey and George the Chucker
While Jerry is anxious about his man-date with Keith Hernandez, Newman explains why he can’t stand the Mets’ first baseman with his “Magic Loogey” theory, duplicating the exact scene — and his role –in JFK.

Kramer: Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, “Nice game pretty boy.” Keith continued past us up the ramp.

Newman: A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.

Elaine: What was it?

Kramer: He spit on us…. and I screamed out, “I’m hit!”

Newman: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me.

1 Puddy Paints His Face for the Devils Game
Elaine learns something new about her on and off boyfriend, David Puddy. Turns out Puddy is a “face painter” and Elaine just can’t handle that.

Elaine: You painted your face?

Puddy: Yeah.

Elaine: Why?

Puddy: You know, support the team.

Elaine: Well, you can’t walk around like that.

Puddy: Why not?

Elaine: Because it’s insane?

Puddy: Hey, you gotta let them know you’re out there, this is the playoffs.

Kramer: Hey.

Puddy: Hey.

Elaine: Dave, um, painted his face.

Kramer: Yeah, that’s cool. Well, you gotta support your team.

As you may recall, a trademark “Seinfeld” bit was to have Kramer wantonly slide into Jerry’s apartment every episode and utter a racial epithet (well, perhaps just the first part). So someone undertook the painstaking labor of love to compile all of Kramer’s entrances into Jerry’s apartment in chronological order and, if you’re a fan of the show, it’s kind of compelling.

If you’re not aware, one of the plotlines of this season of Curb Your Enthusiasm is a Seinfeld reunion. Seinfeld was always fine, somewhat escapist TV. But if there were a real reunion, I’d like to see it a bit more grounded in reality. Since Jerry seemed to have a clear opposition to locking his door, perhaps someone would break into his house and gun him, George, Kramer, and Elaine down within the first five minutes of the show while they were busy prattling on about some woman who went on a date with Jerry and kept insisting she lay on him. Then the rest of the episode is just a standard police procedural with random people you don’t know, like Law and Order but with people clearly reading from cue cards and wearing obviously fake mustaches that make them look like they spend too much time at middle school beauty pageants. I know what you’re thinking, “Chris, this is such a great idea, you’re so brilliant! Why aren’t you making TV?” Answer: Too humble.