Guyism » Jessica Simpson

50 photos of people with bad tans

A. Isaac — Mon, 21 May 2012 12:00:09 +0000

With Memorial Day on the horizon and with the media bonanza of tanning mom Patricia Krentcil, let these photos serve as a scary reminder of what too much sun can do to you. You’re not attractive with your leather skin, you don’t look hot as an Oompa Loompa and you certainly won’t win any beauty contests with those nasty tan lines.

Again, if you see this woman at a tanning salon with a child, call your local police. Also ma’am, I find your blackface racist.

Anne Hathaway’s next superhero character?

In fairness, he played a critical part in Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” music video.

I believe they call this color Tangerine.

You look like a burnt haggis

That’s a fancy leather jacket you have there ma’am.

I’ve heard of red ass before but I thought it had a whole other meaning.

Don’t let that sunburn slow down your anorexia.

Oompa loompa doopity dee, if you are wise you’ll get some sunscreen.

But you look so hot with your tanned duck face.

That’s not a sunburn, that’s just an allergic reaction to sperm.

This is fake right?

Indeed sir, you suck.

This pilot whale got far too much sun.

Apparently, Valentino did not design low-brimmed hats to shield UV rays.

I really like your granny panties

Again with the black face?

I prefer leopard print bras but I guess this will work.

Ah, the Jersey Shore.

Best tan lines ever?

We just can’t get enough of Patricia Krentcil.

You won’t be getting much sun in jail

Is that a European man bag or a purse?

Kim, you should go to a dermatologist. While you’re at it, get your vagina swabbed for STDs.

You just had a child so I’ll refrain from telling any jokes until you’re done bleeding.

Guyism Speed Round for 5/2

Chris Spags — Wed, 02 May 2012 16:15:05 +0000

In today’s Guyism Speed Round, Katie Nolan discusses Jessica Simpson’s improper naming of her long-awaited baby, Richard Branson making ice cubes that look like himself, and more.

Make sure to subscribe on YouTube to see these, along with the hidden video, first.

What TV shows we should watch tonight

A. Isaac — Tue, 01 May 2012 21:00:37 +0000

New Girl’s Hannah Simone is worthy of your attention tonight as are the Stanley Cup playoffs. Here’s what you need to watch.

Nuggets-Lakers @ 10:30pm, TNT: The best of a craptastic NBA playoff schedule tonight. No Rondo, no Derrick Rose in the other two games. BOO!

Fashion Star @ 10pm, NBC: Congratulations to Jessica Simpson who birthed triplets today! Wait, there was only one kid in there?

Devils-Flyers @ 7:30pm, NBC Sports: I expect a hotly contested game with fat fans tossed aside like rag dolls.

NCIS: Los Angeles @ 9pm, CBS: Oh my god, a crossover event with Hawaii Five-0 y’all! It’s the 1980s all over again.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno @ 11:30pm, NBC: Will Cameron Diaz dish some dirt about former boy toy Alex Rodriguez? I expect at least two centaur stories.

New Girl @ 9pm, Fox: Tonight’s hot or not features Zooey Deschanel’s sidekick Hannah Simone.

Chopped @ 10pm, Food Network: Can we go one week, just one week without a contestant screwing up rice?

What to watch tonight

A. Isaac — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 22:30:33 +0000

Bachelor Ben makes his decision and Jessica Simpson may give birth live on air. Here’s what you need to watch tonight.

The Bachelor @ 8pm, ABC: Will it be Courtney? Will it be Lindzi? Ben takes the ladies on a ski trip to Switzerland before making his decision in tonight’s 2 hour season finale.

New York-Chicago @ 8 pm, ESPN: “Linsanity” was but a fart in the wind. Knicks are reeling and in desperate need of a victory tonight.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno @ 11:30 pm, NBC: Jessica Simpson’s not fat, she’s pregnant people. The mom jeans weren’t an elaborate rouse.

WWE Monday Night Raw @ 9 pm, USA: A war of words may devolve into a musical between John Cena and The Rock as the WWE makes its way to Cleveland–home of the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame.

The Real Skinny @ 10 pm, TLC: What happens when you’re fat and you lose a lot of weight. Well, there’s skin. A lot of it actually. A brief look at the interesting phenomenon.

The Haney Project @ 9 pm, GOLF: The greatest ginger ever, Angie Everhart, gets some tips on her golf swing.

Jessica Simpson naked in Elle, unfortunately with enormous fetus inside of her

Chris Spags — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 15:34:14 +0000

Jessica Simpson has finally surrendered and taken off her clothes for a magazine. Unfortunately, it’s for Elle with a fetus seemingly the size of a young Dumbo in her stomach. (Warning: Pic is NSFWish)

Though Simpson’s star has faded, her money hasn’t; the former pop star’s fashion line is on pace to gross over $1 billion in its next fiscal year.

Simpson’s child with fiancé and former NFL player Eric Johnson is due in the next month.

You can read some mind-injuring quotes from Simpson, including one saying her child will be “ath-a-letic,” in the Elle interview.

Celebrity dirt: Anna Kournikova set to join ‘The Biggest Loser’ plus more gossip

Douglas Charles — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 14:00:15 +0000

Anna Kournikova Trades Pro Tennis for Biggest Loser Training
“My back really forced me to stop. It got so bad; I couldn’t tie my shoes, literally. I would be in excruciating pain.”

Kristen Stewart Dons Snow White Armor in New Photos
“It’s not a little girl sitting by a well with little tweety birds telling her what to do and where to go.”

Jessica Simpson Postpones Wedding to Eric Johnson
“She was so gung ho about planning their wedding, and now she’s gone dark.”

Ashton Kutcher & Demi Moore: Are They Splitting?
“The actors’ reps have not commented yet.”

Nicole Richie Got a Boob Job
“Richie flaunted her fuller physique while vacationing with pals in Mexico September 24…”

Balding Jason Alexander Debuts Full Head of Hair
“I am experimenting with some interesting hair systems.”

Britney’s Dad Scores 7 Figures in Femme Fatale Tour
“He’s handled finances, managed Britney’s security to protect her from the paparazzi and made 200 – 400 calls and other communications a day on Brit’s behalf.”

Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Nirvana Among O Music Award Nominees
“The O Music Awards 2 will unfold on Halloween on OMUsicAwards.com, as well as MTV.com, VH1.com, CMT.com, LogoTV.com and MTVHive.com.”

Andy Rooney Retiring from 60 Minutes
“Rooney, 92, will look back on his career in an interview with Morley Safer during Sunday’s program, then announce his retirement in his essay.”

Cher “Stressed” Over Chaz Bono’s Injuries on Dancing with the Stars
“She called me up and she’s sending her doctors to help. She’s just trying to be as supportive as possible.”

Artie Lange — The Three Million Dollar Comeback
“…Artie and Nick just inked 3-year deals for a nationally syndicated radio show premiering Monday, October 3.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
The trailer for the upcoming documentary Being Elmo: A Puppeteer’s Journey.

Celebrity dirt: Katy Perry ties Michael Jackson’s singles record plus more gossip

Douglas Charles — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 14:00:54 +0000

Katy Perry ties Michael Jackson singles record
“Perry has the same number of #1 singles from Teenage Dream on the Hot 100 as the late King of Pop did from 1987′s Bad.”

Kendra Wilkinson’s family is target of death threats
“Kendra’s long estranged father, Eric Wilkinson, has been subjected to a campaign of violence and threats for more than five years…”

Marc Anthony “harassing” Jennifer Lopez post-split
“He calls her nonstop, especially when he’s drinking.”

Drew Carey separates clavicle during jog
“Just saw doctor. No surgery needed. No ‘snapping into place.’ Just ice and time…”

Jessica Simpson: I wasn’t drunk at Adele concert!
“That wasn’t drunk swaying. That was professional dancing!”

Gwyneth Paltrow to maid: Find your own ride!
“Gwyneth was mad that the maid showed strangers where she lived.”

American Idol exec responds to Adam Levine’s gripes
“To be frank, I didn’t understand why we’re talking about contestants being gay or not gay.”

Jennifer Love Hewitt opens up about Ben Flajnik
“Rumors are rumors… We did meet, but totally by coincidence.”

Kat Von D’s show, LA Ink, is cancelled
“The network is proud of what the series has accomplished in its four seasons, following Kat Von D’s journey as an artist from Miami to Los Angeles.”

Kat Von D and Jesse James: Their engagement is back on
“I will never stop fighting and striving to hold on to her. Showing her how special she is, and how much I love her.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Summer Glau’s sexy video from her photo shoot for FHM.

Celebrity dirt: Kim Kardashian suing Old Navy over look-alike and more gossip of the day

Douglas Charles — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 14:00:37 +0000

Kim Kardashian suing Old Navy
“Kim is filing a lawsuit … claiming they intentionally used a look-alike in an effort to dupe the public into thinking Kim was affiliated with Old Navy.”

Leonardo DiCaprio splits with Blake Lively?
“DiCaprio has allegedly broken up with the Gossip Girl star because his mother didn’t like her.”

Chris Brown — Neighbors says he’s a nightmare
“…the dude is utterly disrespectful, blasting loud music and partying day and night … even racing dogs down the hallways at all hours.”

Ben Affleck gave Jennifer Lopez advice on crumbling marriage
“Guadalupe Lopez, the singer-actress’s mother … sought Affleck’s advice on July 12…”

Britney Spears: My ex-bodyguard’s lying about drugs, farts
“Flores … claims she uses methamphetamines, farts a lot, picks her nose and has terrible hygiene practices.”

Paris Hilton walks out of interview with ABC News
“Dan Harris after he asked her if she’s concerned she’s a has-been, referencing the new wave of socialites, including Kim Kardashian.”

Katy Perry, Adele, Kanye West lead VMA nominees
“The #3 all-time VMA award winner, Eminem, picked up three nominations this time for Best Male Video, Best Direction and Best Cinematography…”

Lindsay Lohan facing new lawsuit — assault & battery
“Lindsay Lohan dished out 8 to 10 seconds of pain when she attacked a Betty Ford employee last year … so says the alleged victim…”

Lindsay Lohan’s new man — Their date night caught on camera
“Lohan, 25, is snapped with Spencer Falls, who plays one half of the Virgin Mobile spoof couple “Sparah.”

Jessica Simpson is NOT pregnant
“All the grief Jessica Simpson gets for her weight may have just gone too far, because the starlet has been forced to announce that she is NOT pregnant…”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes of Cassie Ventura’s new Blank magazine photo shoot.

The ultimate bucket list for men: 50 things to do before you die

A. Isaac — Sun, 17 Jul 2011 12:00:59 +0000

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

There are few things men can uniformly agree on. We spend most our time going back and forth on blondes vs. brunettes, curvy vs thin, boobs vs. butts, and more sports disagreements than we even care to include here. But undoubtedly, every man on earth can agree on this — live life to the fullest.

So before you breathe your last, before you kick the bucket, do some of the 50 things on this list.

50 Two Chicks At The Same Time
Peter Gibbons: “What would you do if you had a million dollars?”
Lawrence: “I’ll tell you what I’d do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.”

Unfortunately, Lawrence never gets his proper due for delivering one of the greatest lines in movie history. (“Office Space”-1999)

49 Attend Multiple Sporting Events In The Same Day
A single game may bring you joy but a second one can indeed be orgasmic for the diehard sports fan. Guyism’s advice? Shoot for a late autumn Saturday. A tailgate in the morning followed by an early afternoon college football game and then a NBA game at night. If you’re feeling extra saucy, rally the next day for a Sunday NFL tailgate/game.

48 Go To The Playboy Mansion
Some dream of a world free of war, others dream for an end to world hunger but for shallow men everywhere there is just one dream that stands head and shoulders above the rest. A trip to the Playboy Mansion. To just once enter the hallowed grounds and enjoy a cold beverage while bunnies run topless–just once. Truly, you would die a happy man.

47 Beat Up A Childhood Bully
Remember that kid that stole your milk money in elementary school? Remember that kid that pushed you off your bike? Well, thanks to Al Gore, we have this thing called the internet–so nobody is safe from a few good stalking techniques. Friend your old rival on Facebook and ask for a meet up. Then give him one in the kisser and run like hell.

46 Be A Groupie For A Girls Band
Gene Simmons allegedly slept with over 4600 women. Eric Clapton is well over the 1000 mark. And Bret Michaels, well, I’m sure a few hundred is a good estimate. Unfortunately, you don’t hear about the other side. Surely, there are female musicians who are feeling randy after a 4 hour concert right? So grab yourself a backstage pass and head off to the nearest Pussycat Dolls show. You won’t regret it.

45 Find Out If Jessica Simpson Is Indeed “Sexual Napalm”
Let’s ignore for a second that John Mayer is a gigantic douche and focus on his comments about former girlfriend Jessica Simpson. If a guy like Mayer, who has bedded Jennifer Aniston and Jennifer Love-Hewitt says some chick is “sexual napalm” in the sack, then by God, I want to know what all the fuss is about.

44 Run With The Bulls
A bit cliche? Perhaps. But there may not be a stronger will to live than running for your life from a wild beast. Just make sure you’re really fast or have an unbelievable tolerance for pain in the rare chance you get gored.

43 Twins
Of the 50, this may be the hardest one to achieve. There are approximately 5 million identical female twins in the world. Not only do you have to find them, but you somehow have to convince them that an incestual sexual romp is in their best interests. Good luck on that. If you pull it off, please let us know. We’ll humbly erect a statue in your honor sir.

42 Hitchhike All The Way Across The Country
We’ve all wanted to take that cross-country road trip with friends, but doing it with complete strangers? That’s a whole other animal. Assuming you don’t get hacked up to pieces by a serial killing trucker, the wild stories alone would make you the hit at any party.

41 Attempt The Century Club
The ultimate way to warm up for a weekend bachelor party–100 shots of beer in 100 minutes. If you can last sans throwing up, your reward is a blacked out night reminiscent of “The Hangover”. Just be careful not to steal Mike Tyson’s tiger. He’ll get a tad upset.

40 Attend A Victoria’s Secret Show In Person
For many men, a Victoria’s Secret catalog is responsible for several hours of alone time in the bathroom. Attending a show in person? Assuming you have the imagination of Leonardo DiCaprio in “Inception”, that’s at least a decades worth of spank material. Less than 20 feet away as Marisa Miller and Miranda Kerr strut in front of you in bra and panties…yes, please.

39 Participate In An Eating Contest
There isn’t a guy out there who hasn’t bragged about his eating prowess at least once. And while it’s one thing to eat 10 hot dogs at the family BBQ, it’s quite another to scarf down an obscene mountain of food when the heat is on. But what do you have to lose? Your dignity? Nah, you lost that a long time ago.

38 Successfully Photobomb A Bachelorette Party Picture
As men, we are required by law to enjoy a group of girls who are drunk and willing to sleep with you in the bar bathroom. But after awhile, even our Wilt Chamberlain-esque sexual libido cannot overcome the annoying shrill of a bachelorette party. So wait for that moment when the girls are gathered together for that one epic shot–you know, where the “duck face” is in full force and hop in right before the flash goes off.

Extra Credit: Include a crotch grab or a full-moon.

37 Hustle Someone At Pool
Putz around the table for a few minutes and use the wrong end of the stick to lull your opponent to sleep. Then when the timing is right, double your wager and attack the table like you’re the Black Widow. The only risk? If it’s not your home turf, odds are you’re getting your a– beat by a sore loser.

36 Join The Mile High Club
Everybody talks about it but few have actually done it. The pure logistics of a sexual escapade 35,000 feet up is dangerous enough. Getting caught by a flight attendant is not only embarrassing but may land you a fine or arrest upon landing. Your best bet to complete the task? Cross-country or international flight, preferably a red-eye, and wait for the flight attendant to pass out drinks. That should give you and the lucky lady enough time for two minutes of steaming hot action.

35 Get Into A Time Machine And Beat George Lucas Senseless For Making Indiana Jones 4
A few nights a year, I wake up in a cold sweat screaming “NO, NO!”. Unfortunately, I’m not reliving that drunken one night stand with fat Theresa in college. It’s much, much worse than that. Folks, we have to face this cold, hard fact–Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was created. And the only way to rid ourselves of this pain is to find Doc Brown, get the Delorean and head back in time to beat George Lucas senseless.

34 Hit A Royal Flush
You’ve probably played poker for years–maybe you’ve even been lucky enough to hit a straight flush with your buddies. But a Royal Flush? Almost unheard of. The odds before a hand starts, about 1 in 650k. If you do hit it, make sure to walk away from the table never to play again. Retire right there on the spot.

Celebrity dirt: Emma Watson wants “control” over her life plus more of today’s gossip

Douglas Charles — Wed, 15 Jun 2011 14:45:28 +0000

Emma Watson sick of having “no control” over her life
“I have lived in a complete bubble. They found me and picked me for the part. And now I’m desperately trying to find my way through it.”

Hef & Crystal’s wedding is off — “She’s dating Dr. Phil’s son”
“”Hef is in shock. Crystal bailed and left the mansion at 11pm Sunday night.”

Benjamin Millepied, Natalie Portman welcome a son
“It’s been a big year for Natalie Portman: an engagement, an Oscar and now a baby!”

Joss Stone targeted in bizarre robbery-murder plot
“Two men armed with swords, rope and a body bag were arrested Tuesday near Joss Stone’s rural home in England under suspicion of planning to rob and kill the young British singer.”

Tracy Morgan reveals his father died of AIDS — admits “I was bullied at school”
“I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it. I never want to use my comedy to hurt anyone.”

Jessica Simpson joining NBC’s Fashion Star
“With an almost billion-dollar lifestyle brand under her belt she is sure to be an excellent mentor to our up-and-coming designers.”

Denise Richards: Charlie Sheen and I had “a beautiful love story”
“Despite Sheen calling Richards ‘a bitch’ during his ‘Torpedo of Truth’ tour, she doesn’t harbor ill-will towards her ex.”

Justin Timberlake: Why I smoke pot
“Sometimes I have a brain that needs to be turned off. Some people are just better high.”

Meet Petra Ecclestone: The 22 year-old who bought Candy Spelling’s $150M mansion
“Don’t worry, she can afford it: her father is Formula One head Bernard Ecclestone, whose net worth Forbes last year estimated as $4 billion.”

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore: “Leave Sarah Palin alone”
“As much as I’m not a fan of Sarah Palin I find sifting through her emails repulsive and over reaching.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Shakira in her sexy new music video for her song “Rabiosa” featuring Pitbull.

Celebrity dirt: Trump’s presidential talk might be a stunt and more of today’s gossip

Douglas Charles — Thu, 21 Apr 2011 15:50:16 +0000

President Trump? ‘We think it’s a stunt,’ says an NBC exec
“If he wants to spout off about things, we’re happy to let him. But our inclination is that he’s not serious about running for president. We think it’s a stunt.”

Rebecca Black under police protection following death threats
“One of the threats came over the phone and another emailed.”

Lady Gaga calls Madonna plagiarism charges “retarded”
“I’m a songwriter. I’ve written loads of music. Why would I try to put out a song and think I’m getting one over on everybody?”

After much ado, Lady Gaga approves ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic parody
“Yankovic said the singer’s manager has apologized to him for the mix-up…”

Dr. Dre victorious in lawsuit against Death Row Records
“Dre will now receive all of the online sales for his classic album, while Death Row can only sell the album in CD, 8-track, vinyl or cassette form…”

Catherine Zeta-Jones: ‘There is no need to suffer silently’
“If my revelation of having bipolar II has encouraged one person to seek help, then it is worth it.”

Lindsay Lohan dropped then added back to Gotti flick
“Lindsay is no longer going to play Victoria Gotti … but instead will take on the role of John Gotti Jr.’s daughter-in-law Kim.”

50 Cent joins Nicole Scherzinger tor ‘Right There’ music video
“‘Well, I was really wanting to date her,’ the rapper said with a grin.”

Chris Martin hates Gwyneth Paltrow’s pretentious dinner parties
“It’s a little odd when your hubby doesn’t want to talk at a party promoting your project, no?”

Justin Timberlake to host Saturday Night Live
“…while he’s never officially joined the cast of the show, JT has made it clear that he’s right at home on the long-running sketch comedy program.”

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen unveil new optical line
“Just one week after announcing their new online shopping site, the Olsen twins are at it again.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Jessica Simpson behind the scenes of her shoot for People’s “50 Most Beautiful People” issue.

Celebrity dirt: ‘Mad Men’ to return to AMC in 2012 and more of today’s gossip

Douglas Charles — Wed, 30 Mar 2011 16:15:02 +0000

AMC greenlights season 5 of Mad Men for early 2012
“Despite not having a deal with Mad Men creator-executive producer Matt Weiner yet, AMC is officially moving ahead with a fifth season of the Emmy-winning period drama…”

Jackie Chan is not dead, as rumored
“He did not suffer a heart attack and die, as was reported on many social networking sites and in online news reports.”

Jessica Simpson says she’s been approached to judge The X Factor
“I think it would be a lot of fun. It’s definitely my life. To be a mentor for up-and-coming artists is right up my alley.”

Beyonce no longer managed by her father, Mathew Knowles
“Mathew Knowles began managing Beyonce’s career when she was a teenager and shepherded her through her mega-success with Destiny’s Child…”

Britney Spears announces tour with Enrique Iglesias
“In between songs at her pretaped San Francisco show on Good Morning America, the singer made the huge announcement.”

Enrique Iglesias quits Britney Spears’ US tour
“Just hours after Spears announced ‘We are going on tour with Enrique Iglesias in June!’ on Good Morning America, Iglesias has backed out of the show…”

Chris Brown gets chilly reception at Dancing With The Stars
“‘As a victim of domestic violence, I don’t agree with him coming on the show, but it’s out of my control,’ Cheryl [Burke] said following Chris’ performance.”

Jodie Foster says Mel Gibson ‘is a brilliant man’
“We work exactly in the same way: No bullshit.”

Rosie O’Donnell moving into Oprah Winfrey’s TV studio
“Rosie O’Donnell posted big news on her blog Monday night when she announced that her eagerly-anticipated talk show will call Oprah Winfrey’s OWN Network home this fall.”

Jackass star Steve-O arrested in Canada
“Steve-O was stopped by customs when he got off an airplane at Calgary International Airport … when officials noticed there was an outstanding warrant out for his arrest.”

This week in celebrity gossip: Biel’s back on the market

Douglas Charles — Sat, 12 Mar 2011 14:30:10 +0000

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Jessica Biel is officially single again as she and Justin Timberlake have ended their ‘relationship.’ There are no hard feelings,” said a source. Hehe, they said “hard.”

— Audrina Patridge also now single again having broke up with Corey Bohan… again.

— Jessica Simpson was drunk… again.

— Scarlett Johansson is still dating Sean Penn. No, really.

— In Justin Bieber news, he “attacked” a female paparazzo last week at a 7-11 in Hollywood. The kid is just out of control.

— Lady Gaga is not happy with a London ice cream shop selling breast milk ice cream called Baby Gaga. Yes, because how dare someone do something shocking and try to profit off it. Who so they think they are?!

— Richard Grieco wants Charlie Sheen’s role on Two and a Half Men. In other news Richard Grieco still exists.

— Charlie and Brooke Mueller finally reached an agreement about custody of their twin boys.

— Sheen is also suing (for himself and on behalf of the Two and a Half Men crew) for $100 million. Is there a judge in the world that will take this case? Oh yeah. California. Never mind.

— Lindsay Lohan rejected a plea deal this week and will go to trial for her felony theft case. Some are still saying that she could serve time, but we all know that’s never going to happen.

— Speaking of fun female celebs, Christina Aguilera is “fall-down wasted nearly every night” a source tells Us magazine. And we think Charlie Sheen might not be the best parent.

— Chris Brown has had enough of apologizing for beating the hell out of Rihanna, calling the event a “mishap.”

— Miley Cyrus is texting guys again. You know how this one’s going to end, don’t you?

— Speaking of Miley and LiLo, Lindsay was very upset with Saturday Night Live for the impression Miley Cyrus did of her last week. She even wrote a letter to Lorne Michaels about it. I wonder if she used the red or the blue crayon.

— And finally, Britney Spears wanted to be a lawyer. Chew on that one for awhile.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the fine folks over at Intimissimi Lingerie who, as we all know (right?) have Irina Shayk as the face of their franchise. And by face, I of course mean smokin’ hot body.

This week in celebrity gossip: Another sex tape??

Douglas Charles — Sat, 29 Jan 2011 14:30:20 +0000

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Kendra Wilkinson has yet another sex tape coming out, and just in time for Valentine’s Day! In this one she gets busy with some chick named Taryn Ryan. Anyone?

— James Franco also made a sex tape. Somehow I’m not as excited about that.

— Charlie Sheen may be the greatest partier in the history of partiers. It might kill him, but he’ll have a great legend to leave behind.

— Oh never mind, he was just hospitalized for laughing too hard at a TV show. I was way off.

— Jenna Jameson called Chelsea Handler a “dried up old whore.” Girls, girls! Can’t we just agree that you are both dried up old whores?

— Montana Fishburne attempted suicide? Man, just when she seemed to have it all going for her too.

— Kristen Stewart is complaining again.

— Jennifer Love Hewitt is never, ever going to get married.

— Jason Sudeikis is now dating Scarlett Johansson? Who’s Jason Sudeikis again?

— Did you know there was another Olsen Twin? I mean sister? And her name is Elizabeth Olsen? I guess she gets all kind of naked in some new movie she has coming out called Martha Marcy May Marlene. Be right back. Gotta go to Netflix and set my queue.

— Diddy is being sued for $900 billion worth of child support by a woman who claims he “knocked down” the Twin Towers and gang-raped her children over a casino chip worth “100 zillion dollars.”

— Lady Gaga wants women to smell like blood and semen.

— Speaking of stellar endorsement ideas, Ron Jeremy is coming out with his own rum.

— Speaking of alcohol, Jessica Simpson likes it. A lot.

— And finally… Andy Dick… also lookin’ good.

Today’s sexy video comes to us from Avril Lavigne who thought it would be a good idea to wear some lingerie in her new music video for the song What The Hell. Enjoy.

Tony Romo engaged to TV reporter Candice Crawford

A. Isaac — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 15:58:30 +0000

Tony Romo sure does move fast. Only one year after breaking up with pop sensation Jessica Simpson, Romo proposed to TV reporter Candice Crawford. They have been dating for a little over one year, soon after Romo and Simpson parted ways.

Crawford, a former Miss Missouri, is also a reporter for KDAF, a local station in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. No mention of when the two will get wed, although Romo certainly has some time on his hands recovering from a broken collarbone.

On a side note, Romo sure does love his Texas blondes as both Simpson and Crawford are from the Lone Star state. Now we just have to wonder if his new gal is “sexual napalm” in the sack.

This Week in Celebrity Gossip: Hacked

Douglas Charles — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 14:30:41 +0000

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Remember all the hubbub this week over some leaked, half-naked pics of Christina Aguilera that hit the Web? Well, she says someone hacked them. Because no celebs EVER leak pics like that when their careers seem to have stalled (ahem).

— Oh yeah, she also might have breast implants.

— Ke$ha nude pics might also have been stolen, but no one wants to see that.

— Julia Roberts attacked the paparazzi. She’s like a mix of Sean Penn and Naomi Campbell all rolled up in one!

— Lindsay Lohan is negotiating with Dancing With the Stars. If this happens I will officially turn in my man card and finally watch an episode of that show.

— Wesley Snipes is now in a medium security prison in Pennsylvania, in case you wanted to send him a fan letter or something.

— Kim Kardashian has a new boyfriend and you WILL NOT believe this, but it’s another athlete.

— Hugh Hefner is selling off parts of Playboy. Moment of silence please.

— The Jessica Simpson Collection has become one of the most successful celebrity fashion lines of all time selling over $750 million worth of product. Seriously.

— Jennifer Aniston told Chelsea Handler to shut up after Chelsea called Angelina Jolie a home wrecker and a cunt. You know how this should be settled? See the video below.

— Dane Cook’s half brother and sister-in-law stole $12 million from him. In other bad news, Dane Cook has made at least $12 million.

— Speaking of people with too much money, Beyonce bought Jay-Z a $2 million car for his 41st birthday.

— In celebrity news about celebrities every forgot were celebrities, former Playboy model/Baywatch star Donna D’Errico say she felt violated during a TSA body scan.

— Kids these days… Miley Cyrus doing bong hits, Taylor Momsen telling kids to masturbate more… it’s quite a world we live in now.

— To review, Katy Perry is now Katy Brand.

— And finally, MTV will ring in the New Year by dropping Snooki. Sadly, not on her head or in a pit of hungry alligators.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from Victory Poker which just moved to the Cake Network (wait, what?) and features Sara Jean Underwood, Rosie Jones, Emma Glover, and Victoria Moore having a nice, simple little cake fight. Oh. My.

This Week in Celebrity Gossip: Just do it

Douglas Charles — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 14:30:54 +0000

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Rihanna might get naked, just hot for Playboy. (A) She’s already been naked, and (B) She might as well get naked again with what she’s been wearing lately. This is the strict definition of a no-brainer.

— Emma Watson’s college experience is going quite well. If you don’t mind having fake nude photos of you being circulated around campus, that is.

— In a bit of shocking news, Madonna has been replaced by Victoria’s Secret Angels for the upcoming series of Dolce and Gabbana ads. My guess is that the computers doing all the airbrushing finally gave out.

— Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s totally sane mother, wants to sue Glee claiming that the show defamed LiLo by saying she was crazy and asking how many times Lindsay has been to rehab. Good luck winning that case.

— Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, it appears that she has a new sponsor. No, not the kind of sponsor she needs to stay on the wagon, she now appears to be sponsored by Pepsi. And if she isn’t, then the folks at Pepsi probably need to put a halt to this right away.

— And speaking of great parents, Britney Spears’ mom and dad got back together. Finally some stability in Brit’s life.

— Tony Danza interrupted the funeral of a friend of his by ripping into the priest for what he was saying. Why? Because he’s Tony Effin’ Danza, that’s why.

— In case you didn’t hear, Jessica Simpson is now engaged to former NFL tight end Eric Johnson. The best part: She had to buy her own engagement ring.

— Joan Baez fell out of a treehouse.

— Harrison Ford went on Conan and well, he might like alcohol.

— Jake Gyllenhaal might be gay or something, so says Anne Hathaway. Let me know if you figure out what she means.

— Tiger Woods wrote a personal letter/essay for Newsweek. Let me know if you understand a word of it.

— DMX got arrested. Again.

— Ryan Reynolds is the sexiest man alive, according to People magazine.

— Ellen Degeneres is the most likable person on the planet, according to other people.

— And finally, Sarah Palin thinks Michelle Obama doesn’t care about white people. Pffft, who does?

This weekend’s sexy video is a follow-up to that GQ photo shoot of Lea Michele and Dianna Agron of Glee fame that caused so much uproar, so if you are offended by hot babes in their 20′s doing things in their underpants pretending to be hot babes in high school doing things in their underpants then you might not want to watch. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Yeah, right…

This Week in Celebrity Gossip: Yes, strip!

Douglas Charles — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 15:00:46 +0000

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Alec Baldwin is urging Blake Lively to strip for PETA. Alec Baldwin is the smartest man in the entire world. (Then she’s free to do that Playboy thing we discussed a while back.)

>>> Quote of the year? Cougar Town actor Josh Hopkins calls Jennifer Aniston a “sport f–k”. I like you Josh Hopkins. Whoever the hell you are.

>>> Heidi Klum quit Victoria’s Secret. A moment of silence, please.

>>> Gisele Bundchen was photographed canoodling (yes, I said canoodling) with a man who is not Tom Brady. I am sure there is a logical explanation for it though. Like she is a whore or something straightforward like that.

>>> Dane Cook strikes out with the ladies just like you. Only he has a lot of money to make him feel better.

>>> Jessica Simpson’s career seems to be going well.

>>> Khloe Kardashian is trying to get pregnant. And yet people still need to pass tests just to drive a car.

>>> Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey take showers twice a day together. Meanwhile, we’re at work, slaving away for a buck. Ugh.

>>> Lindsay Lohan has multiple personalities. So says a “longtime Lindsay Lohan associate”. What’s more shocking? That LiLo has multiple personalities? Or that she has a longtime associate?

>>> Oh yeah, Lindsay’s also back in rehab. For the sixth time. I’m sure it’ll work this time though.

>>> At least she has Charlie Sheen’s support. That’ll get her over the hump, for sure.

>>> Paris Hilton is set to begin serving the 200 hours of community service as part of her cocaine plea deal. Most likely visiting sick kids and helping out at an animal shelter. Wait, who is being punished here?

>>> Speaking of Paris Hilton, her boyfriend ran over a photographer, and there was video. Frankly I am surprised he didn’t run over a gas pump. You know, to kill himself… because he’s Paris Hilton’s boyfriend.

>>> Eminem is returning to acting for a sex drama named 360. A sex drama, you say? Sounds like Jenny McCarthy might want to get in on some of that.

>>> Emma Watson is back at Brown University for her second year of college, horrific haircut and all.

Today’s sexy video comes to us from Lynx Rise and features Jessica-Jane Clement. Why am I giving them free advertising, you say? Did I mention it featured Jessica-Jane Clement?

Jessica Simpson really likes her new boyfriend

A. Isaac — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 16:00:19 +0000

Remember when John Mayer said Jessica Simpson was a freak in the sack. More explicitly “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me… Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm…”

Well, John Mayer sir, you were probably right.

Jessica Simpson and new boyfriend, former NFL TE Eric Johnson were boating in Italy and Simpson had to restrain herself by just dry humping him in front of photogs.

This gives a whole new meaning to PDA. We’re willing to give her a little break, because after all, Simpson did turn 30. I can’t imagine how hard her biological clock is ticking. Actually, just thinking about that makes me scared for the future of mankind. We’ll have kids running around thinking chicken is processed in tuna cans.

Jessica Simpson took her cleavage for a walk

Douglas Charles — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 13:00:54 +0000

Our favorite Cowboy killer Jessica Simpson was in New York recently and luckily for us she brought her cleavage with her. Wouldn’t you just like to lay your head down on those bad boys? Just for a second or two. You know, without someone screaming and dragging you away while beating you over the head with a billy club. You know what I mean. We’ve all been there. Right??