Everybody makes mistakes. Sometimes you forget to close the gas cap on your car or you forget to give the teller back her pen at the bank, and sometimes you forget to wrap your junk up and end up trying to avoid the mother of your bastard child and her persistent attorneys. It happens. But when famous people make mistakes, the whole world ends up knowing about it –- eventually, anyway. And enough famous people have made that age old mistake of not properly sheathing their sword that we thought we’d take a look at some of these famous deadbeat dads. Why? Cheap content? Perhaps. Or maybe, just maybe, we here at Guyism believe in a better world, and that children everywhere should have the right to know their fathers. Yeah… that’s it. Unless of course, one of us happens to be that father, in which case, we would tell you the same thing we told the judge: that bitch is lying, your honor! Ahem, anyway, let’s just get on with this, our look at nine famous men who fathered love children.

9 Steven Tyler
Way back in the day –- waaaaaay back –- that weird old lady from American Idol used to be a rock star. Really! And not just a rock star but the lead singer for Aerosmith, considered by many to be the American version of the Rolling Stones. Naturally, Steven Tyler took advantage of his rock god status to have sex with as many women as he possibly could. It is the American dream, after all. So, really, it was only a matter of time before Tyler knocked up one (or two, or three, or…) of his conquests. It just so happens that the woman he impregnated was a model named Bebe Buell –- who was also famous for shacking up with rocker Todd Rundgren -– and nine months after they banged like monkeys in heat, a little girl named Liv arrived on the scene. Since Buell was with Rundgren, she decided to just raise the child with him while Steven was busy gallivanting across the world with Joe Perry, a clown car full of heroin and a tour bus full of exotic whores. Smart choice. But all it took was a backstage visit by the young Liv to realize the truth about her famous father and it wasn’t long before she became famous herself, as actress Liv Tyler. Today, the two seem to have a good, genuine father-daughter relationship, which I’m sure is helped immeasurably by the fact that they can share a wardrobe and that Steven, as an old lady himself now, understands what it’s like to be a single woman in this topsy-turvy world.

8 Chuck Norris
If you believe everything you read on the Internet -– and really, why wouldn’t you –- Chuck Norris can do literally anything and everything. Except for buying condoms, anyway. Indeed. It would seem that way back in 1962, while serving in the air force, Norris cheated on his wife and the result was a little girl named Dina. Of course, by the time the little girl was born, Norris had karate kicked the girl’s mother to the curb so it wasn’t until 1991 that Norris, who is deeply religious, found out that he had a love child after Dina wrote to him. To his credit, Norris embraced the girl –- well, woman actually -– and according to him she is very much a part of his life. It’s a good thing, though, that Chuck isn’t the sort to tell other people how to live their lives up on his moral high horse, or else that would be really, really awkward. Oh wait…

7 Gavin Rossdale
Rossdale, the lead singer for the band Bush –- although you might know him better today as Mr. Gwen Stefani -– had a quickie with a friend of his named Pearl Lowe. Awww, that’s nice. Well, except for the fact that Lowe was already in a relationship with some other dude. Oops. When a baby showed up, Lowe assumed that her boyfriend was the father and went on thinking that until she realized that her little girl seemed a little, uh, too Rossdaleish (Rossdaley? Rossdalesque?) One paternity test later and Rossdale found out that he was a deadbeat dad. Years later, that little girl grew up to be a fashion model by the name of Daisy Lowe and Rossdale was forced to explain to his new wife that, when it came to him and Pearl, there had been a lack of adequate Chemicals Between Us and that he wished that she would have just Swallowed instead. Jesus, I’m sorry, that was terrible. As jokes go, I probably should have aborted that one. Eh? Eh? Sigh.

6 Strom Thurmond
This one is just hilarious/terrible, depending on how awful a person you are. Yes, it would seem that Strom Thurmond, noted segregationist, had fathered a child way back in 1925 with a black teenage housekeeper. Apparently, ol’ Strom was a proponent of keeping all thing black and white separate with the notable exception of his penis and her vagina. Wait, it gets better/worse. Not only did Thurmond knock up the family housekeeper, the poor girl was only sixteen at the time! So, not only did Strom knock up an underage family employee, he then spent the rest of his life campaigning for laws which would have made it illegal for his own daughter to share the same drinking fountain as him. What a great guy! The poor teenaged housekeeper’s sister took the baby to live with her in Pennsylvania, eventually tracking Strom down in 1941, when his baby daughter was now a sixteen year-old girl herself. Strom then apparently acknowledged that the girl was his daughter before spending the next 60 plus years of his life pretending that she didn’t exist. Again, what a great guy!

5 Julius Erving
Dr. J was world famous for his dazzling dunks and for being one of the NBA’s premier superstars in the late 70’s/early 80’s, but when he wasn’t scoring on the court, he was busy scoring in the bedroom. During one of these encounters, with reporter Samantha Stevenson, he accidentally fathered a baby girl. I imagine it went a little something like this:

Samantha: “Julius, you should probably get a condom.”

Dr. J: “You can trust me, baby, I’m a doctor”

Ahem. Sorry. While that conversation may not have actually happened, the key thing we can take away from that is that, no, she most definitely should not have trusted him because nine months later, she found herself a single mother. For his part, Erving was noble enough to financially support the baby girl while she was growing up but he refused to publically acknowledge her -– at least until she became a tennis star and reached the semi-finals at Wimbledon in 1999. It was then, in a telephone conversation with the Associated Press, that Dr. J admitted for the first time publically that he was indeed the father of Alexandra Stevenson.

4 John Edwards
Everyone knows by now that John Edwards, former Senator and Presidential candidate had a love child. But a look at the details reveals a sordid and depraved mess. Apparently, John Edwards began an affair with a former campaign worker named Rielle Hunter, all while his wife was busy dealing with the fact that she, you know, had cancer, which she later died from. What a guy! The National Enquirer, in a series of reports beginning in October of 2007, revealed the details of the affair and claimed that Edwards was the father of Hunter’s child. Edwards denied these reports and then later admitted to the affair but continued to deny that he was the father. Another campaign aide, Andrew Young, then stepped up and claimed he was the father, but he then quickly rescinded that admission and went on to claim that not only had he been tasked by Edwards with arranging his hookups with Hunter, but that Edwards knew the baby was his all along and begged Young to claim that he was the father. Young also claimed that Edwards once promised that he would marry Hunter, after his wife died, in a rooftop ceremony in New York City with an appearance by The Dave Matthews Band (!!!!).

But that’s not all! According to ABC News, Young also claimed that Edwards asked him to “get a doctor to fake the DNA result and to steal a diaper from the baby so he could secretly do a DNA test to find out if this [was] indeed his child.” Jesus. But wait, there’s even more! In 2009, reports began to surface that Edwards was being investigated for using campaign money for personal use related to the affair and just a few days ago it was reported that the Justice Department apparently plans to indict Edwards on criminal charges for spending over $1 million(!) in political donations to hide the affair and the child that followed. Wouldn’t it have been easier just to cut a few child support checks, John? Or, you know, just not cheat on your dying wife? Just a thought.

3 Arnold Schwarzenegger
Come on, you knew this one was coming. Everybody knows by now that the Governator is the father of his maid’s ten year-old child. And while there is a joke to be made here about Skynet sending Arnold back in time to prevent his bastard child from being born and ruining his reputation and his marriage, we here at Guyism are above such nonsense and won’t do it. Instead, we’ll just ask one question: Why? Why would Arnold Schwarzenegger risk it all just to have sex with his allegedly human maid? Well, from all available evidence, Arnold would grope a manatee if it wasn’t able to swim away on time. He probably would have tried to have sex with Predator if it was a real being. So maybe the poor dude is just a randy sex addict. Or maybe, just maybe, since he had been married for so many years with a lady who looked like Skeletor, he decided to branch out and have sex with another character from the He-Man universe, like Beast Man. After all, I can’t come up with any other reason why Arnold would have had sex with… with that. Sadly, we’ll probably never know why Arnold did what he did, but what we do know is that he has a young son, and that son looks freakishly like him, and Arnold had enough balls to just let the maid bring the kid around the house whenever she felt like it. Maybe Arnold was just waiting for the right moment, a moment that never came, a moment when he could have found himself alone with his illegitimate little baby son and quipped something like “hasta la vista, baby” before throwing both the child and his mother out for good. Who knows?

2 Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson’s affair with slave Sally Hemings has been well documented, including by us here at Guyism, but he didn’t just sleep with Hemings once and call it quits. No. Instead, Jefferson managed to father a whole slew of bastard children with Hemings, making him the spiritual forefather of later politicians like Strom Thurmond, John Edwards and the loveable Governator. Most people like to focus on the fact that Jefferson got busy with a slave, which… yeah, that’s something people are going to focus on, but what you rarely hear about is his relationship with the children who were the result of that long affair. Although Jefferson never publicly acknowledged the children, they were apparently well looked after and were eventually freed by Jefferson. That seems like an incredibly weird thing to say, that a man freed his own children but those were f*cked up times and people did f*cked up things. No one knows for sure how many of Hemings’ seven children were the result of their affair, but DNA evidence shows that Hemings’ descendants also share Jefferson’s DNA, meaning that at least one of the kids had to be his.

1 God
A couple of thousand years ago, apparently God laid his eyes on a young housewife named Mary. Nine months later, a little baby boy emerged. God split and left Mary’s husband, some blue collar carpenter named Joe, to take care of the baby, which they named Jesus. (Back then, it was cool to name your kid Jesus without it being seen as sacrilegious. Well, at least until Mary and Joseph ruined it for everyone else, that is.) Apparently, God also skipped out on years of child support payments and like many children who never know their fathers, Jesus grew up to be a bit of a troublemaker and was eventually busted by the cops and sentenced to crucifixion for aggravated loitering and for unlicensed wine-making. It was thanks to this crucifixion that God and his young son eventually had an emotional reunion and today they apparently live together in a gated community even though they sometimes fight because Jesus refuses to cut his hair and is kind of a hippie and God is sick of explaining his behavior to all of his rich, uptight neighbors. It’s all in the Bible, you can check if you don’t believe me.

People often wonder “What if [insert name of famous person] didn’t die young?” Well, we here at Guyism have got you covered. Following is a list of nine celebrities who died young and what we think might have happened had they not danced with the reaper before their time. We cover all the possibilities for you because we’re cool like that.

9 Kurt Cobain
Age of Death: 27

Cause of Death: Lead poisoning.

Current Age If He Didn’t Die: 43

Best Case Scenario: Kurt lives, kicks his heroin habit, realizes Courtney Love is nuts and leads the world into a new age of peace and prosperity a la Bill & Ted.

Worst Case Scenario: Kurt spirals deeper and deeper into the arms of heroin before being forced into rehab where he becomes a born again Christian and he and Courtney become the Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker for the new millennium.

Most Likely Scenario: Kurt stays on heroin for a little while longer until Nirvana disintegrates. He then gets clean, and starts a solo career, which is critically acclaimed but never quite manages to be as successful as his old band. He eventually becomes more famous for repeatedly falling off the wagon and for fighting with Courtney than for anything involving music. Finally, he reunites with Nirvana at some awards show and they go on a depressing greatest hits tour. Either that or he becomes the lead singer for the Foo Fighters.

8 River Phoenix
Age of Death: 23

Cause of Death: He liked the drugs but the drugs didn’t like him.

Current Age If He Didn’t Die: 40

Best Case Scenario: River continues to mature as an actor, eventually becoming an even more talented version of Johnny Depp or Leonardo DiCaprio. He alternates Oscar winning performances with huge, blockbuster hits and is considered the ultimate A-lister.

Worst Case Scenario: River spirals into a haze of drugs which ages him beyond his years. He becomes a punch line and an afterthought and ends up becoming a more talented version of Corey Haim, suffering a nervous breakdown after the failure of his big comeback role in Lost Boys III, in which he is forced to take third billing behind Corey Feldman and Pauly Shore, who plays the vampire king.

Most Likely Scenario: River keeps his drug use on the down low and alternates brilliant, Oscar-worthy performances with erratic, bizarre meltdowns, which causes people to view him as somewhat of a flake. He eventually goes to rehab, stars in a big budget superhero flick and then pisses away all that goodwill by joining brother Joaquin in a faux documentary starring the two as bearded rap artists/poets/nutjobs. Is considered unemployable after he vomits on David Letterman.

7 John Lennon
Age of Death: 40

Cause of Death: Psycho with a gun.

Current Age If He Didn’t Die: 70

Best Case Scenario: John gracefully grows into his role as rock and roll’s ultimate elder statesman and serves as a force of good throughout the world.

Worst Case Scenario: John is crippled after falling off of a tightrope in a bizarre stunt meant to call attention to the plight of immigrant trapeze artists. He becomes a vegetable and is wheeled around everywhere by Yoko Ono who cashes in on a catatonic John’s fame by whoring him out to everything from commercials for Hoveround Scooters to the grand openings of local McDonald’s.

Most Likely Scenario: John drifts further and further away from music and more towards political activism until a bad investment in the late ‘80s forces him to go on a Beatles reunion megatour. The tour is a disaster, marked by open sniping between John and Paul McCartney and John walks away after only the third show. He and Yoko eventually split up and Lennon moves to Tibet and becomes a recluse. He only appears occasionally at random awards shows, which always begin with him receiving wild applause and always end with awkward silence after he spends all his time haranguing the audience for killing the rain forest or for supporting child slavery or for whatever the hell the issue of the day happens to be.

6 John Belushi
Age of Death: 33

Cause of Death: Suffocated by a mountain of cocaine and heroin.

Current Age If He Didn’t Die: 62

Best Case Scenario: Belushi sobers up but somehow manages to maintain the primal energy that made him so magnetic. He becomes an even bigger star and is considered to be the alpha male of the whole Saturday Night Live-inspired comedy world.

Worst Case Scenario: Belushi sinks further and further into drugs until he becomes so bloated that he is almost unrecognizable. He stops acting altogether but remains in the public eye thanks to various arrests and other drug related mishaps. He eventually gets clean and lands a sitcom alongside his brother, Jim, on CBS, playing the divorced “crazy” brother who lives above the garage and makes crazy faces at the camera.

Most Likely Scenario: Belushi continues to receive acclaim as a comedy wild man but he can’t quite shake his addictions. He makes a few more iconic films before burning out and starring with Chevy Chase in slop like Cops and Robersons II and Caddyshack III: Gopher’s Revenge.

5 Tupac Shakur
Age of Death: 25

Cause of Death: East Coast vs. West Coast rap war turned a little too real.

Current Age If He Didn’t Die: 39

Best Case Scenario: Tupac manages to heal the wounds in the hip-hop community and uses his prodigious powers to foster a new era of solidarity in the inner cities. He becomes the godfather of the rap world, respected by everyone, and becomes widely known and accepted as one of the cultural icons of his generation.

Worst Case Scenario: Tupac drifts in and out of trouble with the law and with every album he becomes less and less relevant, eventually becoming a caricature of himself. He eventually winds up starring alongside Ice Cube as a pair of male babysitters in a Disney movie in which the highlight is a scene of a baby pissing in a harried Tupac’s face while he ineptly tries to change a diaper.

Most Likely Scenario: Tupac gets life in prison after getting caught up in a sensational murder trial. He continues to write from behind bars and becomes a counter-culture icon. He gets released on a technicality and continues to beef with his enemies before an emotional blockbuster truce is hammered out on a very special episode of Tupac’s new VH1 reality show.

4 The Notorious B.I.G.
Age of Death: 24

Cause of Death: East Coast vs. West Coast rap war turned a little too real.

Current Age If He Didn’t Die: 38

Best Case Scenario: Biggie reigns as king of the New York City rap world and is universally recognized as the best lyricist alive.

Worst Case Scenario: Biggie slips into a decade long coma after choking on a ham sandwich.

Most Likely Scenario: Biggie remains the top dog in New York until a business deal with Diddy goes bad. The two then begin an intense feud which sees wife-stealing, death threats, multiple arrests and Diddy getting lyrically embarrassed at every turn. They eventually squash their beef and go on to star in their own heavily scripted reality show on VH1. Biggie then lands his own dating show in which the lucky winner earns the right to be pimped out by him for one whole year.

3 Chris Farley
Age of Death: 33

Cause of Death: Worshipped John Belushi.

Current Age If He Didn’t Die: 46

Best Case Scenario: Farley gets clean and goes on to star in a string of blockbuster comedy hits. His career mirrors that of his friend Adam Sandler in terms of success and he is widely loved and lauded as the clown prince of Hollywood. He even manages to snag an Oscar nomination after a surprisingly deft performance in an indie drama, gaining him a whole new level of respect and recognition.

Worst Case Scenario: Farley gets even drunker and more drugged up until he is checked into rehab by a team of doctors armed with industrial strength cattle prods. When he gets out, he’s lost his edge and is reduced to making guest appearances on crappy David Spade sitcoms until he falls off the wagon again and is caught running naked down the Sunset Strip with his penis tucked between his legs pretending to be a girl.

Most Likely Scenario: Farley gets even drunker and more drugged up until he is checked into rehab by a team of doctors armed with industrial strength cattle prods. When he gets out, he’s lost his edge and is reduced to making guest appearances on crappy David Spade sitcoms until he falls off the wagon again and is caught running naked down the Sunset Strip with his penis tucked between his legs pretending to be a girl.

2 Elvis Presley
Age of Death: 42

Cause of Death: Bowel movement gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Current Age If He Didn’t Die: 76

Best Case Scenario: Elvis manages to kick his pill habit and settles into his role as the king of not only rock and roll but of American pop culture. Widely beloved, he only has to tour occasionally with a package of greatest hits and he spends his days and nights swimming in a pool of specially made $10,000 bills with his face on them and playing with his many children and pets, all of whom have been covered in a special coat made of pure gold.

Worst Case Scenario: Elvis stays on the pills, and grows monstrously fat until he is (even more) of a caricature of himself. He ends up broke after a dozen divorces to a dozen different women and is eventually arrested and sentenced to life in prison after getting all pilled-up and shooting Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.

Most Likely Scenario: Elvis stays on the pills and becomes a caricature of himself but it doesn’t matter since he is an institution. He spends most of his time in Las Vegas performing his greatest hits in front of sold out audiences until he finally gets tired of it all and decides to reinvent himself with the help of record producer Rick Rubin, who gives him a grittier, more stripped down look and sound. He becomes fetishized by hipsters everywhere who hold him up as the ultimate icon of cool. In other words, he becomes Johnny Cash.

1 Jesus Christ
Age of Death: 33

Cause of Death: Either crucifixion or a fatal speedball overdose. The Bible’s not too clear.

Current Age If He Didn’t Die: Uh, 2011, give or take a few years.

Best Case Scenario: Jesus convinces everyone that he’s the messiah and leads humanity into an age of peace, love and brotherhood. He convinces God that instead of dying for our sins, it might be a good idea to just hang around for a while and convince us all to stop being assholes.

Worst Case Scenario: Jesus realizes we are all a bunch of assholes, becomes disillusioned and drowns his pain in booze and heroin. He knocks up Mary Magdalene and gets caught up in an ugly paternity scandal. Eventually the two reconcile, Jesus gets clean and they star together in a reality show about trying to raise their kid, who can’t handle the pressure of being Jesus’ son.

Most Likely Scenario: Jesus realizes we are all a bunch of assholes, says to hell with this and moves back in with his dad.

Nothing screams “buy jewelry” to me quite as much as the potential second coming of Christ. When your savior is rising from the dead, what I want more than anything is a white gold bracelet. If there’s one things religious figures love, it’s buying garish things for yourself. Well, as long as it’s half price. Jesus was Jewish, after all.

Local Ad of the Day [The Daily What]

A British man who fell asleep while cooking bacon said he awoke an hour later to find the image of Jesus Christ burned into the base of the frying pan.

Toby Elles, 22, of Salford, England, said he was making a bedtime snack after having some beers with housemates and fell asleep on the couch while waiting for his bacon to cook, the Daily Mail reported Thursday.

“When I woke up about an hour later the room was full of smoke,” he said. “Luckily we have an electric hob so I just turned off the heat, but then I lifted up the bacon and there was JC looking back at me.”

“It’s some kind of miracle,” Elles said.

If I were a religious guy, I’d be kind of pissed right now. With devastating earthquakes hitting all over the earth and all the horrible things people endure on a daily basis, the best thing Jesus could do was show up in a drunken Englishman’s house while he’s making bacon. That really shows how silly the whole concept of expecting help from a higher power is. Like somewhere Jesus was going, “Hmm, I could save that pregnant woman from the rubble. Or…bacon. Rubble..bacon…rubble…bacon *makes weighing hand motion*. BACON!!!!!” I refuse to think that Jesus is the Beggin’ Strips dog.

Man finds Jesus in burnt pan [UPI]
Image Credit [Mirror.co.uk]

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It’s funny to point and laugh at Christian people and go, “Haha, you’re not as pious as you claim!” But there are some people who just enjoy the taste of communion wafers (I believe you’d call this phenomena “sacrilicious”). There are also many people who enjoy getting a shot of Vitamin C in the derriere. So I don’t see why these two twains shouldn’t meet. I mean, I’ve never had one in the rear and I assume I wouldn’t like it…but maybe with a communion wafer, well, who knows? It could be like the old Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup ads; you’d never know it until you try it. Or someone may just be taking the whole “Body of Christ” thing a little too literally. Despite his svelte dandy-ish build, I’m not sure he’d be down.

It’s funny because the other day I was in a McDonald’s and I could have sworn that I tasted Jesus in my french fries. Turns out that I was indeed crazy, since Jesus shuns carbohydrates and goes straight for the meat. They say there’s a little bit of Jesus in every bite. Not Jesus Christ, but Jesus the Mexican factory worker who fell into the vat of dehydrated chop meat. If only half of him had fallen into a wine bottling company.

Okay so this video is popular all over the place…are we all just going to ignore the fact that it’s obviously fake? I have no doubt that people like this exist…bigotry, especially with religion, runs deep in stupid people…but the opening alone was the most poorly acted farce ever.

Plus why would anyone possibly convert from Hinduism to Christianity? Jesus Christ found himself strapped to a cross and gave his life for the sins of all Christians…you know what they did to Vishnu? Nothing. You know why? Because Vishnu has like 8 f’ing arms. You couldn’t even try to crucify someone with 8 arms. There’d still be 6 of them dangling around on the cross. Even if it worked, that’d just look silly. It’s hardly a successful brutalization when someone can still do a crossword puzzle and make eggs while they’re being tortured.

Authorities closed the Big Splash Water Park for the night after hundreds of youths brawled inside the park and in its parking lot Wednesday evening, police said.

Capt. Travis Yates estimated that 3,500 people were at the park, which he said had only one security guard on duty.

Large-scale fights started breaking out at the park when an event sponsored by Christian radio station KXOJ drew larger-than- expected crowds, Yates said.

Big Splash, on the southeast corner of Expo Square at 21st Street and Yale Avenue, noted on its Web site that it was hosting a “Waves of Worship” event from 7 to 10 p.m.

Big Splash Manager Amber Beck said Wednesday night was a Christian youth night with Christian bands.

Yates said a large crowd had gathered outside before the park reopened for the evening event.

“Obviously, when you have 3,500 kids in a confined area, you’re going to have some problems,” he said.

Beck said a lot of churches had arranged for groups to attend but that cheap admission — $5 per person — drew “the wrong crowd,” as well.

Nothing says Christianity to me quite like an overcrowded water slide and overt racism. That’s not even a joke, that’s genuinely what I love about Christianity. I’m pretty sure if Jesus were around right now, he’d go to a Red Lobster in the Bronx and be whispering to his friend, “Oh my God can you believe how loud they are? THE LOBSTER FEAST ISN’T THAT GREAT PEOPLE!” Though he’d probably like how alarmingly soulful the renditions of the Happy Birthday song are. Me and Jesus have a special bond where I know these things, trust me.

[via]

I dated a magician once. He had a lot of crazy theories and was a favorite of millions of people. But he loved me, and that love shined through everything. That magician’s name…is Jesus. When I went through difficult times and I saw only one set of footprints in the sand, I was like, “Jesus, where were you when I needed you most?” And he was like, “You’re still here? I thought I dumped you. Beat it, faggot.” Must be the Old Testament version.

We’re generally not too considerate towards Jesus’s feelings. Could you imagine if he woke up today and went into a church, then saw his likeness nailed to a cross? How fed up would that be. I can’t imagine that’d be what he wanted to see when he enters a monument to him. He’d probably recoil like a vampire.

So wait, this crap works? Like I can pray to God when I’m in trouble and he’ll just get me out of it, like a magician or being a rich white kid? That’s pretty amazing. This actually gives me an idea for a reality show. We can call it “God Loves Me.” Every episode, three people would do some life-threatening stunt or situation and, before they do it, they declare that God loves them so they’ll be safe. If they survive, awesome, they’ll be converted the flock. And if they die, well then, I guess I’d be doing the Lord’s work since he didn’t want these people to survive anyway. Hopefully Jesus doesn’t sue me for improper use of a trademark…those Jews can be very litigious.

You know, we think Jesus is so great because the Bible says so and, maybe he was. But you know, all these people who are so amazing and good at what they do end up being total perfectionists. So what if Jesus was just really pushy and frustrated with everyone’s lack of piousness (piousity?) all the time and just slapped them in the face like they were roadies who didn’t do a great soundcheck. In fact, this would probably make a very entertaining indie comedy film. PATENT PENDING.

You can find a whole bunch more awesome Peep recreations here. I’m partial to Marion Barry’s arrest, myself.

In related news, I f’ing hate chocolate rabbits and wish they’d all die in a fire. They taste like crap, the chocolate is probably the chocoquivalent of the serfs in a feudal system, and frankly why the f is a bunny Easter’s mascot? Isn’t it because they used to eat rabbits on Easter? And if so, what did the rabbit do to get promoted from “food” to “mascot”? Get naked pictures of Jack Easter, the CEO of Easter? I guess I have a lot of questions even without getting to the issue of Jesus’s zombification.

[whole lot more peepage for you here]

This is just too confusing so I just like to worship zombies directly and cut out the middle man. But every time I pray to them I just hear “Nnnnnnnnnnnnn braiiiiiins” which probably means that I should think more when making decisions. Zombies, so wise. Also so smelly. Like not smelly like Buddha who probably reeks of fat man B.O. but definitely smelly like a rotting corpse and Muhammad probably smells like a cab. There really aren’t many delicious smelling deities actually. Let’s work on that.

I know this is a comic and all, but man that is a clever take on religion. I imagine Jesus appearing in people’s toast or bowel movements or whatever would be a lot less appealing if you realized “HOLY SHIT, IT’S A FING GHOST.” When I see Casper in the mirror, I crap my pants but if I see Jesus I’m supposed to be all like, “Hey dude, how’s it going? Thanks for the whole sacrifice thing. *high five*.” Kind of illogical.

I think it’s awesome when you can combine sacrilege, humor, and breasts all into one package. It doesn’t often work out that well. Like when I tried to make an amateur porn with a girl I knew starring as Mary Magdalene. Yeah, I’ll never be allowed back into that Catholic school again.

[via]

When it comes to saving lives, God trumps doctors for many Americans.

An eye-opening survey reveals widespread belief that divine intervention can revive dying patients. And, researchers said, doctors “need to be prepared to deal with families who are waiting for a miracle.”

More than half of randomly surveyed adults — 57 percent — said God’s intervention could save a family member even if physicians declared treatment would be futile. And nearly three-quarters said patients have a right to demand such treatment.

Dr. Michael Sise, trauma medical director at Scripps Mercy Hospital in San Diego, called the study “a great contribution” to one of the most intense issues doctors face.

Sise, a Catholic doctor working in a Catholic hospital, said miracles don’t happen when medical evidence shows death is near.

“That’s just not a realistic situation,” he said.

I think the power of positive thinking can certainly be helpful when you’re facing a serious illness and, for many people, religion provides that. But the problem is that this isn’t the only application of “faith healing”…on the opposite end of the spectrum, people think that prayer can heal anything, like those parents who refuse care for their children because they only believe in religion. The power of positive thinking can only take you so far when you have golf ball-sized tumor on your skull. I’m not sure that stroking beads and kneeling before some guy who may be as real as Snuffalufagus will do a whole lot to solve that. Unless he actually is Snuffalufagus and can use his big trunk to suck the tumor out. But then that’d be a Godlike power, so would you worship Snuffalufagus? I’m not sure that I’m comfortable following the lead of some big extinct make-believe wooly mammoth who hangs out with some neurotic oversized bird. Unless he can turn waters into delicious alcohol…that’s important for my deities. I like magic!