I get that nerves are at an all-time high when you’re performing for a live TV audience which, in China, is probably about 700 trillion people. But that fall was so massive. How could you possibly fall like that? They’d have to grease up the floors or have an army of cloned Peter Norths beating off on the floor to make me slip like that. Was it weird that I named a specific male porn actor there? I’m thinking it is, but I wanted to convey the image of a lot of jizz. Anyway, that would totally not be delicious at all. No sir.

You know what’s gross? Snowballing. For those of you who are unaware or don’t often spend time looking for exciting things to do with semen, snowballing is the act of ejaculating into a partner’s mouth, then having them spit your jizm back into your mouth. So basically, all you’re doing is shooting your own waste into your mouth, but letting it warm up even more by getting it into someone else’s first. I don’t know if I had a point when I started this but all I’m saying is that if I have to ejaculate into my own, I’d prefer to not have an intermediary. I mean, I’d prefer not to do it at all first and foremost, but I’m sure there may come a time where I’m forced to at gunpoint or some sort of crazy punishment for a DUI.

Also why does it smell kind of bleachy? I don’t think I fed a washing machine lately. At least not the detergent part.

I’d say that’s pretty much what situation all adult actresses are in. They’re all trapped, unable to get out, waiting to be saved. Though usually not in an actual cage, but rather a cage brought about by a traumatic childhood, addiction, or an insatiable need for penises the size of tree-trunks. On the plus side, they make more money getting a load of jizz on their face than I ever could, either without a load of jizz or with it. I don’t think there’s much of an audience for me taking a load of jizz. Probably just some guy with a smelly beard and a dream.

I don’t get why women get so weird about blasting them in the face with a load. It’s just jizz. It’s not like it’s hot sauce in your eye. Unless you’re blowing a Latino guy I guess. They’re known for their spiciness and lack of ejaculatory accuracy. I’m pretty sure I made at least 50% of that up.

I’m not really good at fixing cars, but I can really relate to the mechanic here. It’s so hard to do your job when sexy women are incessantly trying to have sex with you. Every single job I’ve done, some naughty Catholic schoolgirl comes up to me and is all like, “Oh I need youuuu” and it’s just like come on ladies, let me live my life, I’m not made of semen you know. Though man if I were, that’d be pretty odd. I’d be like Slimer from the Ghostbusters, but smelling like your mom’s breath.

If I saw a penis monster complete with balls grabbing at me with tentacles while I’m just trying to chill out in my bikini, I would f’ing cry. Then I’d probably have to fellate it which would be difficult because I have a gag reflex and also hate the taste of lake water. I also assume the jizm coming from a sea monster cock and balls would not be the most delicious thing I’ve ever come across. But then again, what if it was and I just wanted to slurp it up all day? Looks like we all just learned a lesson about pre-judging someone.

A 21-year-old Harris County woman filed a $200,000 lawsuit against American Airlines alleging employees on a flight to Los Angeles from Dallas/Fort Worth Airport failed to protect her while she slept from another passenger who masturbated to her and ejaculated in her hair, according to a lawsuit she filed last week in Tarrant County.

The woman slept most of the flight, but awoke about 20 minutes before landing when the pilot announced the plane was on decent into Los Angeles. When the woman opened her eyes, she saw that an unknown man had moved into the seat next to her and was staring at her as he masturbated, the suit states. The woman turned toward the window in embarrassment and in an act of nervousness began to run her fingers through her hair where she noticed “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair,” the suit states. The woman began to cry and tried to get the attention of a flight attendant, but was unsuccessful, the suit states.

Finally a passenger in the row in front of the woman comforted her and verified the semen in her hair, the suit states. When the plane landed, employee called airport police and the man was arrested. The suit alleges that the during the investigation, American Airlines employees told police they witnessed the man move from his assigned seat into the row where the woman was sleeping. The woman is seeking punitive damages and a jury trial.

I like women. But honestly, I could never BE a woman. Getting yelled at on the street by random dudes, groped in bars, getting roofies in my drink more than I already do now (which is like 6 times a night, easy). But you throw plane jizz on there and it’s like, “What the f? My ovaries are a curse! I thought my little brain was my main negative! Oh gosh, let me go make some more cakes.”

On the plus side, my semen cures cancer, so when you get it in your hair, the correct response is “Thank you sir. Might I trouble you for some more?” I carry cups around with me and just splash it on every 300th woman I see. My way of giving back.