In the course of human history, there are some honors which have exceeded all others – Nobel Prizes, having a country named after you, Playmate of the Year – but there is one singular honor that trumps even those glorious achievements, and that is to have a drink named ]]>

In the course of human history, there are some honors which have exceeded all others – Nobel Prizes, having a country named after you, Playmate of the Year – but there is one singular honor that trumps even those glorious achievements, and that is to have a drink named after you. Some charmed people manage to even get rich and famous and get a drink named after them, which I believe is the final stage of enlightenment before Nirvana if I understand my Buddhism correctly. It’s these honored few to whom this list is dedicated. They are the few, the proud, they are eight famous people with drinks named after them. Feel free to honor them by getting absolutely shithammered. It’s what they’d want.

8 Robert Roy MacGregor
The Drink: Rob Roy

1 1/2 oz Scotch

1/4 oz Sweet Vermouth

Angostura Bitters for flavor

Maraschino Cherry for garnish

Rob Roy MacGregor is probably best known today as the titular character of the Liam Neeson movie, in which Neeson player MacGregor as an aggrieved Scotsman with an enormous dong. (If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about. Goddamn.) But before that, MacGregor was well-known throughout Scotland as the Scottish Robin Hood, a freedom fighter who robbed from the rich and gave to the poor. I’m sure he’s glad that his legacy consists of two things: the aforementioned big-donged portrayal by Neeson and for being the namesake of a drink which has gotten millions and millions of dudes and lady dudes drunk over the years. Now that’s a legacy a man can be damn proud of. Frankly, I’m surprised it hasn’t spawned a religion.

7 Shirley Temple
The Drink: Shirley Temple

Two parts Ginger Ale

One part Orange Juice or Lemon-Lime Soda

A splash of Grenadine

Maraschino Cherry for garnish

Sure, the drink doesn’t have any booze in it but it would be kinda weird to name an alcoholic drink after the most famous child actor in history, right? I mean, I’m sure Jon-Benet Ramsey’s parents would be all for it, but I’m guessing it would make the rest of us a little uneasy. Call me crazy. But hey, even future drunks and drunkettes need something to sip before they graduate to the big leagues and I guess Shirley Temple should be proud to be the namesake for a drink which serves as the gateway to a lifetime of alcoholism.

6 Giovanni Bellini
The Drink: Bellini

2 oz Peach Nectar

1 tsp Fresh Lemon Juice

1 oz Peach Schnapps

3 oz Prosecco (wine)

1/2 cup Crushed Ice

There are lots of different ways to make a Bellini (the above is a recipe for a Bellini cocktail) but all of them involve two things: peaches and Prosecco wine, or champagne if you feel like slumming it. So what in the hell does any of that have to do with Giovanni Bellini, the 15th century Venetian artist? Well, it turns out that when Giuseppe Cipriani invented the drink sometime in either the 1930s or ‘40s, the weird, pink color of the drink reminded him of the pinkish color of the toga of a saint painted by Bellini. See, we’re all about education here. Oh, and the occasional dick joke but you know who probably would have appreciated a good dick joke? Giovanni Bellini. He just loved dick jokes. Probably. I mean, I can’t say for sure but who doesn’t?

5 Ronnie Ortiz-Magro
The Drink: Ron-Ron Juice

In a blender, combine:

Vodka

Cranberry Juice

Watermelon Juice

Maraschino Cherries
(Damn, this is the official fruit of the drunk, isn’t it?)

Ice

Copious Amounts of Shame (optional)

Perhaps the Jersey Shore gang’s greatest contribution to our culture is this little beauty, named for its inventor, noted scientist Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, best known as that one dude who breaks shit and gets in fights every time he gets drunk or catches the scent of the female of his species. Basically, this drink is famous for turning Ronnie from Bruce Banner into the Hulk, if Bruce Banner was a half-retarded roided-out ape-man anyway. The best thing about this drink is that it apparently gives you super-human strength, allowing you to smash things like your girlfriend’s glasses and your own dignity. The worst thing about this drink is that it will apparently turn you into a humongous asshole. Like with anything in life, there are upsides and there are downsides.

4 Queen Mary I of England
The Drink: Bloody Mary

3 parts Vodka

6 parts Tomato Juice

1 part Lemon Juice

Celery Stalk or Dill Pickle Spear for garnish

There are several competing theories about just who the Bloody Mary was named after: there’s Mary Pickford, star of old Hollywood, but the evidence for that is tenuous at best, and then there are several anonymous Marys, the most mentioned of whom is a waitress named Mary who worked at a Chicago bar but she’s not famous so to hell with her. But the most commonly accepted namesake of the Bloody Mary is Queen Mary I of England, which makes sense since, well, her nickname was “Bloody Mary.” Of course, that could all just be coincidence – I mean, the drink gets its name from its bloody appearance thanks to all that disgusting tomato juice (can you tell I’m a fan?) – but that seems like a pretty big coincidence, no? Explain the Mary part then. Taken together, it just makes sense that the drink is named for Queen Mary. Just try not to remember all the Protestants she butchered to earn the nickname the next time you’re forcing one of these down during a particularly vicious hangover. Or think of them, if that helps you for some reason, you deranged freak. Who am I to judge?

3 Arnold Palmer
The Drink: Arnold Palmer

1/2 Iced Tea

1/2 Lemonade

Apparently, legend has it that some lady saw Arnold Palmer ordering this at a restaurant and then told the waitress that she wanted “that drink that Arnold Palmer is having.” The rest is, as they say, history. Of course that’s a boring story, but let’s face it, the Arnold Palmer is a boring drink named after a boring man. I mean, at least Shirley Temple had an excuse because she was a little girl. Arnold Palmer was a grown man. There’s no excuse for having your namesake drink be non-alcoholic. This is why he was always second-fiddle to Jack Nicklaus. Sure, some will say it was because he wasn’t quite as good a golfer, but we all know the real reason. I mean, Jack Nicklaus has “Jack” right in his name. Arnold Palmer has lemonade. Personally, I’m still waiting for the Tiger Woods, a drink made up of sweat, semen, shame and maybe a little spiced rum.

2 John Daly
The Drink: John Daly

1/3 Iced Tea

1/3 Lemonade

1/3 Vodka

Now we’re talkin’. A John Daly is basically just an Arnold Palmer only with a bunch of vodka poured in it. Named after John Daly, best known for hitting golf balls a mile and for being a big fat drunk, the John Daly is obviously a superior drink. Apparently, Daly himself doesn’t like it, which makes sense since he’s a recovering alcoholic (or a quitter as they’re known around these parts). But what’s sad is that apparently the man has no sense of humor about it and considers the John Daly a trademark infringement, which is bullshit because if people were really infringing on his trademark, they’d add a cup of lard and a bucket full of shame and depression into the mix. Too mean? Don’t blame me, blame the vodka. Another variation on the Arnold Palmer and the John Daly is the Happy Gilmore, which replaces Vodka with Everclear, but I wouldn’t suggest this unless you want to die and/or burn your house down. Who knew golf could be so wild?

1 Alexander the Great
The Drink: The Alexander

1/3 Gin (Substitute Brandy for Gin to make a Brandy Alexander)

1/3 Chocolate Liqueur

1/3 Sweet Cream

It’s appropriate that Alexander the Great has a drink named after him because it’s believed that perhaps the most famous conqueror in history was a drunk. Personally, I look forward to “The Neil” being a celebrated drink 3,000 years from now. Of course, I didn’t conquer Persia and Egypt before invading India like our man Alexander here, but I’m still young. As for Alexander, if he were alive today I’m sure he would consider this drink his crowning achievement – well, next to banging Rosario Dawson anyway, which wasn’t just a scene in a movie, that totally happened. Doc Brown was involved. Don’t ask. Some say having a hand in the spread of western influence throughout the world is a nobler legacy, but we all know the truth and that’s why Alexander the Great – and his drink – is number one on this prestigious list. Now, let’s all get hammered.

Nothing is more American than sports and getting outrageously tanked. (Well, other than killing things, fast cars and racism but those elements would probably make this a wildly different article.) And so it makes sense that we celebrate those proud patriots who managed to combine those most American of ]]>

Nothing is more American than sports and getting outrageously tanked. (Well, other than killing things, fast cars and racism but those elements would probably make this a wildly different article.) And so it makes sense that we celebrate those proud patriots who managed to combine those most American of virtues. So let us hail these nine heroes, these nine proud athletes who have all admitted to having played while either drunk or high.

9 Oil Can Boyd
Dennis Boyd was always kind of a loose cannon, a highly volatile pitcher with the nickname “Oil Can” who played during a time when drug use – especially cocaine use – was rampant, so, uh, it wasn’t exactly a surprise when he recently admitted that he often pitched while coked out of his gourd. I can understand this. I mean, a pitcher needs to be confident and cocaine is infamous for making you feel like the king of shit mountain. Unfortunately for Oil Can, he wasn’t nearly that good and a little humility would probably have served him well. I mean, it doesn’t really help you to believe that your 87 mph fastball is really a 110 mph freight train. Sure, the coke probably made him feel like Nolan Ryan, but in reality, as a pitcher, he was probably closer to Irene Ryan, and I’m sure lots of hitters thanked him for it.

8 David Wells
David Wells is famous for being a fat, loudmouthed drunk who occasionally pitched pretty decently, so it should come as no surprise that when Wells pitched a perfect game he was so hungover from the night before that he was still half-drunk. Look, we’ve all been there. We’ve all gotten so hammered that the next day the only thing we could do to survive was to turn off all higher brain function and just act and react like some sort of nauseous, disgusting animal, and that’s pretty much what David Wells did. He didn’t overthink things. He just went out there, bleary eyed, sweating out hell demons and he threw that damn ball over and over again until the game was over and he somehow not only survived, but he made baseball history. Truly an inspiration.

7 Fuzzy Thurston
Fuzzy Thurston just sounds like the name of an old school drunk, doesn’t it? And indeed, ol’ Fuzzy, a lineman for the Packers during their glory days under Vince Lombardi did his best to live up to that image. Most famously, he told a sportswriter that in order to stay warm for the Packers infamous Ice Bowl NFL championship game against the Packers in 1967 he drank “about ten vodkas.” Yeah, that’ll do it. Today, he’d probably be crucified on Sportscenter and kicked out of the league for taking “performance enhancing drugs.” But back then he was lauded as a hero and I for one will still salute him. Naturally, after he retired, Thurston opened up his own bar, fittingly named Fuzzy’s, proving that some people just completely find their place in the world.

6 Keith Hernandez
Man, what is it with baseball players getting messed up before playing? I mean, last time I checked, it was a game that required a great deal of hand-eye coordination. Then again, so do handjobs and people do that drunk all the time so what the hell, you know? Anyway, Keith Hernandez has admitted to playing America’s Pastime (baseball, not handjobs although if we’re being honest here we all know which one is truly America’s grand ol’ game) while all coked up, which as I explained in the section on Oil Can Boyd was probably both a blessing and a curse. Eventually, Hernandez got clean and went on to win the World Series with the ’86 Mets, which is kind of ironic when you consider that virtually every member of that infamous team probably played at least one game over the course of his career while completely obliterated. Also ironic? That team probably set a record for most handjobs received in a season. It always comes back to booze, drugs and handjobs, doesn’t it? The circle of life.

5 Bobby Layne
Bobby Layne, the Hall of Fame quarterback for the Detroit Lions (yeah, really, the Lions) was an infamous drunk, an unrepentant party animal who drank pretty much from sunrise to sunset and then when the sun set he drank some more. He drank and he drank and he drank until it finally helped kill him at age 60, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he admitted to sneaking nips of ye olde spirits during halftime of games. Again, today he would be run out of town and forced to where a hair shirt for the rest of his life, but back then nobody cared because the dude won championships (with the friggin’ Lions!) and people weren’t a bunch of hysterical Helen Lovejoys shrieking “Think of the children!” every time an athlete or celebrity so much as farted like they are now. Back then, we had noble drunk warriors like Bobby Layne winning championships. Today, we have croc-wearing fools texting pictures of their midget dongs to lady reporters. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere about society in general, but I need to move on before I get too carried away and my editor has me strangled.

4 Ken Stabler
Growing up, Ken Stabler’s hero was Bobby Layne so it’s no surprise that he turned out to basically be the exact same guy. Stabler won a championship as the leader of those infamous Oakland Raiders teams of the 1970’s and he did so all while running whores and drinking anything anyone set in front of him. In his autobiography Snake (and how cool is that?) Stabler casually talks about all the times he played hungover, half-drunk, three-quarters drunk, or whatever condition he was still in from the night before. Sure, some will say that he could have been even better if he would have cleaned up and taken better care of himself, but maybe, just maybe, the drinking and the whoring gave the man special powers, like Jesus and spinach if I remember my Bible stories correctly and I think I do. I’m just saying, think about it.

3 John Daly
John Daly. Oh man, John Daly. Of course this man played while drunk off his ass. He was probably also high on gravy or Cheetos dust but that can’t be confirmed. According to John, his biggest regret about finally getting off the sauce in 2010 is that he played better while he was drunk, and oh lord, I hear that, man. I hear that. To be fair, golf is a game meant to played drunk, so that by the time you reach the 18th hole, you’re puking in the bushes and just throwing the ball down the fairway with your bare hands because you’re too messed up to hold a club properly. I mean, let’s be honest, golf is boring as hell. It takes eons to play and nothing really happens, just like marriage. And just like marriage, liquor helps make it all easier to take. The Scots understood this when they invented the game and so did John Daly and I commend him for it.

2 Mickey Mantle
Mickey Mantle is damn near the patron saint of drunk baseball players. When David Wells inevitably chokes to death on his own vomit, Mickey Mantle will be waiting for him at the gates of heaven with a cheap bottle of vodka, a pack of smokes and a hooker or two. Remember what I said earlier about baseball and hand-eye coordination? Yeah, well Mickey Mantle hit over 500 home runs even though he was bombed half the time. How good would he have been if he played sober? Frankly, I don’t even want to think about it because what fun is that? Of course, Mick’s drinking eventually killed his liver and then killed him, which is kind of sad but it’s better than being a sober old fart who just complains all the time like Hank Aaron because everyone’s getting high and smashing all your old records. I think Mickey Mantle would have appreciated today’s brand of degenerate pill popping, ass-needling ballplayer and I’m sure they all appreciate him. I know I do.

1 Dock Ellis
Dock Ellis once pitched a no-hitter while he was tripping on LSD. That’s why he’s number one on this list and number one on every list about cool dudes doing cool things anyone will ever write. I mean, imagine throwing a baseball at a bat that suddenly turns into a dragon while the mound beneath your feet turns into quicksand and a legion of angry mutant vampire bats swarms the field. Imagine this happening for almost three hours straight. And imagine throwing a no-hitter while all that shit is going on. That beats the hell out of anything that Teddy Roosevelt ever did.

Ever since sweat tea vodka hit the market, people have been mixing up John Dalys like it was going out of style (That phrase really makes no sense; I apologize). Thanks to Michelob Ultra, there are fewer steps between you and that tasty beverage.

For those somehow ]]>

Ever since sweat tea vodka hit the market, people have been mixing up John Dalys like it was going out of style (That phrase really makes no sense; I apologize). Thanks to Michelob Ultra, there are fewer steps between you and that tasty beverage.

For those somehow still unaware, a John Daly is an Arnold Palmer (half sweet tea, half lemonade) with alcohol in it. You know, because JD loves to drink and party at Hooters. People have actually been making them for decades, but they became much more popular when the flavored vodka was developed. The logical next step was to put it all together in one easy to market can, much like Mike’s Hard Lemonade or Twisted Tea.

That’s exactly what Michelob Ultra will do with their “Ultra 19th Hole Light Tea and Lemonade.” Hopefully the drink itself will be significantly better than the name, because that thing sucks. I don’t know who authorized an eleven syllable product name, but they should be fired.

Not one to have his signature drink stolen and improved upon, Arnold Palmer recently released his own version called “Arnold Palmer Hard Half & Half.” Unlike U19HLT+L, it’s already in stores and supposedly selling well. It will be interesting (not really) to see who comes out on top of the battle to be the best drink I don’t drink.

via AdAge

Athletes often talk about reaching deep down to push through when they have nothing left in the tank. Whether it be a boxer at the end of a round, a runner on the last straightaway, or a swimmer on the last few strokes, the mental part of the game, at ]]>

Athletes often talk about reaching deep down to push through when they have nothing left in the tank. Whether it be a boxer at the end of a round, a runner on the last straightaway, or a swimmer on the last few strokes, the mental part of the game, at times, is just as important as the physical.

Which brings us to a man who has none of those qualities–John Daly. The only thing John’s been able to reach into lately is the abyss he now calls a golf career.

Yesterday, in the first round of the Australian Open, Daly put SEVEN balls into the water before finally walking off the course.

Here’s a brief clip of the shameful display.

Not long after the incident, the PGA of Australia showed their displeasure with Daly by informing him that he would not be welcome anymore at their tournaments.

Daly, for his part, took full blame for his behavior.

“I love the fans here in Australia. They’ve been great,” Daly said. “I’ve never played well here. Try too hard and it backfired. It might not be bad if they ban me … because I’ve never played well here. But I do love the people here and this beautiful country. I take responsibility for my actions. I always have and I don’t blame anybody but myself.”

There isn’t anything I can say that hasn’t already been said about Daly. The man and his game are in complete shambles and its doubtful he will ever compete at a high level again.

It’s too bad really because, when he was good, he was exciting to watch and outside of Tiger Woods, had the largest following of any golfer.

John Daly went on 790 The Zone in Georgia to talk about his work with Ryan Mallett and what do you know, Tiger Woods’ name came up. Daly said he spoke to Tiger at last year’s PGA and while he didn’t say explicitly what they discussed, ]]>

John Daly went on 790 The Zone in Georgia to talk about his work with Ryan Mallett and what do you know, Tiger Woods’ name came up. Daly said he spoke to Tiger at last year’s PGA and while he didn’t say explicitly what they discussed, he “strongly” insinuated that El Tigre had a valid reason for cheating on Elin–he wasn’t getting any at home.

We’ve taken the most interesting part of the interview and paraphrased it below, but the entire part about Tiger is worth a listen.

Mayhem: Did you ever talk to Tiger?

John: I did, last year at the PGA and what we talked about–I couldn’t even fathom of telling you guys because it’s a personal conversation. But it made me relieved of what Tiger was going through….does he have a reason? Yes. And that reason is something I don’t want to talk about. But I told him if you would have come out and told the world what was going on (after the night of the incident) and not listen to your agents…this story would have ended in one day. And he says, I know, I know, I just had to listen to everybody.

Mayhem: John, are you talking about that night or are you talking about afterwards, just so we’re clear?

John: Afterwards, afterwards….

790AM: That there was some way to explain it on some level instead of being eviscerated.

John: Exactly, yea.

John: You’re looking at a guy all the way to his college days, it was golf, golf, golf..he never had a chance to live a life. You know, certain things people go through, certain things you like, certain things you don’t like. He found out late what he really liked….He didn’t have a chance to find out what woman we’re like…until his late teens, 20′s.

Mayhem: Once you put that ring on your finger, you don’t get that opportunity anymore…

John: Well, you should if your wife is good to you and makes loves to you when you want to be made love to….my exes, they didn’t want to have sex anymore. And when that happens, if you’re not going to give it to me, I’m going to get it from somewhere else. Is that adultery? Maybe so. But from what I understand, when you’re married, they’re supposed to give it to you.

Mayhem: Can Tiger Woods go up to a podium or a microphone, and say, here’s the deal, I’m not getting it anymore and quite honestly I’ve had enough?

John: Exactly, that’s what I did

Mayhem: Could he have gotten away with that with his public persona?

John: I think so

Mayhem: Would have worked out better

John: Well, you wouldn’t have 127 or 128 women that said they had sex with Tiger. I mean, if people really believe Tiger sex with 127 women, we’re not as common sense as we think we are.

Well, good to know that John Daly is one horny bastard and that if his wife isn’t giving it to him, he pushes her along until the next gal….that is, until she stabs him or something.

That aside, it’s some very telling stuff about Tiger and his possible “likes and dislikes” about women. We’ll never know the entire story about him and Elin but Daly does give us a glimpse into what was probably a troubled marriage from the start.

John Daly podcast [790 The Zone]

As a weekend hack on the golf course, I’ve had a number of holes I’d rather forget. Double pars, the inevitable snowman, and every once in awhile, the dreaded 10 or 11. I usually drown the misery of those holes with a six pack of beer ]]>

As a weekend hack on the golf course, I’ve had a number of holes I’d rather forget. Double pars, the inevitable snowman, and every once in awhile, the dreaded 10 or 11. I usually drown the misery of those holes with a six pack of beer knowing full-well the only people aware of my dreaded sports calamity are my playing partners.

But PGA pro Kevin NA? His bad hole was in front of thousands of spectators and on live TV to boot. To top it off, you’re not allowed to drink during your round, so really, there’s no place to escape.

Na took a +12 on the par-4 ninth hole at the Texas Open after wildly hitting two tee shots into the woods. After a few whiffs, a ricochet off his body and two shots left handed, Na finally made it to the green. He wasn’t even sure if his +12 was correct until he watched film of it after the round.

The stink of it is, Na actually played well beyond that hole going four under. The 16 is the highest score on a par-4 during a tour event, although John Daly famously carded a spectacular 18 at a par-5 at Bay Hill in 1998.

Guyism’s daily look at what’s hot in the world of sports.

3,418

George Blanda, considered by many to be one of the greatest football players of all-time died yesterday at the age of 83. Blanda was one of two players to play in four different ]]>

Guyism’s daily look at what’s hot in the world of sports.

3,418

George Blanda, considered by many to be one of the greatest football players of all-time died yesterday at the age of 83. Blanda was one of two players to play in four different decades as his career spanned from 1949-1975. Because he was both a kicker and quarterback, Blanda accumulated 3,418 points in his career (unofficial stat).

152

MNF was certainly a flag fest last night for the Green Bay Packers. A whopping 18 penalties for 152 yards including a late pass interference call that led to a Bears winning field goal. The Bears are now the only undefeated team left in the NFC, although, their record is marred by a Calvin Johnson overturned TD in the first game of the season.

38

49ers’ offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye was fired yesterday by coach Mike Singletary. The reason? Well, it’s pretty simple actually. With two very talented players in Vernon Davis and Frank Gore, the Niners have only scored a paltry 38 points in their first 3 games.

368

The Philadelphia Phillies won their fourth straight NL East title last night defeating the Nationals 8-0. Dating back to 2007, the Phillies have had extremely consistent seasons winning between 89-94 games each year (they still have five remaining this year). For pitcher Roy Halladay, it is his first trip to the playoffs after 13 less than stellar seasons with the Blue Jays.

18

The 18-game NFL season is now a reality according to Colts owner Bill Polian. “I think that the owners, and principally the commissioner, have decided that it’s the way to go, and so the debate, such as it was, is over”, Polian said. It’s a wonder now if the NFL will consider shortening the preseason and possibly expanding the roster to deal with the injuries that will surely have more an effect on the game than ever.

9,318,378

Though John Daly has made over nine million dollars on the PGA tour and probably more than he can imagine in endorsements, he’s had his fair share of money problems. And now he’s not happy that a company is marketing his name on an alcoholic drink without his permission. He asked his fans on Twitter to contact him if they see the drink at any local bars. That John Daly I tell ya, always been a man of the people.

In case you’re not a golf fan, we’ll give you a quick summary of the travesty that took place at the PGA Championship yesterday.

Going into the final hole, Dustin Johnson had a 1 shot lead over the field. He hit a wayward tee shot to the right into the ]]>

In case you’re not a golf fan, we’ll give you a quick summary of the travesty that took place at the PGA Championship yesterday.

Going into the final hole, Dustin Johnson had a 1 shot lead over the field. He hit a wayward tee shot to the right into the gallery. As he approached his ball, the throng of people separated so he could hit. The area around the ball can only be described as a dirt patch. Spectators had been standing on it for 4 straight days.

Johnson hit and somehow salvaged bogey to force a playoff. But that’s when the fireworks took place. The PGA ruled that Johnson grounded his club in a bunker. Johnson didn’t dispute grounding the club, however, he certainly disputed whether or not it was a bunker. Apparently though, the PGA had informed players before the tournament started that waste bunkers were all over the course and they should treat everything as such.

Johnson lost out on a playoff, a chance to win his first major and close to a million dollars in winnings. Several PGA pros from both the men and women’s side expressed their feelings on Twitter. Some expressed their sympathies to Johnson, others like John Daly and Stuart Appleby were downright livid with the PGAs ruling.

John Daly

Stuart Appleby

Bubba Watson

Casey Wittenberg

Ian Poulter

Julie Granada

Peter Jacobsen

Stewart Cink

Paul Casey

Vicky Hurst

Trevor Immelman

Natalie Gulbis

Here’s a photo taken at the British Open featuring past champions of the legendary event that begins this week. Included are Padraig Harrington, Tiger Woods, Roberto de Vicenzo, Lee Trevino and Tom Watson. Oh, and the lead singer of the local rock band after a night doing shrooms and whip-its. ]]>

Here’s a photo taken at the British Open featuring past champions of the legendary event that begins this week. Included are Padraig Harrington, Tiger Woods, Roberto de Vicenzo, Lee Trevino and Tom Watson. Oh, and the lead singer of the local rock band after a night doing shrooms and whip-its. Whoops, I mean John Daly.

Can you believe how disgusted Tiger Woods looks? Especially considering some of his alleged misdeeds involving various members of the adult film community? Wow. Take it easy, Eldrick. You know you and J.D. have played the same ‘holes’ on the tour at least once or twice.

On a side note, if someone doesn’t make a John Daly cartoon for cable real soon there’s been a serious boat missed by the comedy community.

PGA golfer Stewart Cink allowed a trick-shot artist to tee up a ball and hit a shot off his uh, genitals. From what we understand, he was not under the influence of any drugs. Although he has been a close, personal friend of John Daly in ]]>

PGA golfer Stewart Cink allowed a trick-shot artist to tee up a ball and hit a shot off his uh, genitals. From what we understand, he was not under the influence of any drugs. Although he has been a close, personal friend of John Daly in the past, so your guess is as good as mine. For what it’s worth, the PGA tour has yet to include drug testing for players. Given this recent event though, I think that might change.

Tiger should probably lay off the Ambien for awhile.

John Daly is well-known for being a bit of a PGA tour malcontent. Drinking and alcoholism aside, his on-course behavior is nothing short of hilarious and at times, downright scary.

Recently, Daly’s PGA files became a matter of public record. And not surprisingly, it was several ]]>

John Daly is well-known for being a bit of a PGA tour malcontent. Drinking and alcoholism aside, his on-course behavior is nothing short of hilarious and at times, downright scary.

Recently, Daly’s PGA files became a matter of public record. And not surprisingly, it was several hundred pages long.

Among the accusations was this tidbit that Daly almost fought an Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms Agent at the 2005 U.S. Open.

Daly’s personnel file also included accusations that he nearly struck an Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agent after failing to stop his car at a security checkpoint at the 2005 U.S. Open in Pinehurst, N.C.

No mention of how many beers deep Daly was when the incident occurred but if it was anytime after breakfast, his BAC was approximately in the .2′s. At very least though, this incident pales in comparison to being drunk in the Hooters parking lot.

I’ve always said, if I’m going to go out, I’d like to have a mouthful of wings and a face full of boobies. Or is it a mouthful of boobies and a face full of wings?

Same thing.

Daly was told to get professional help {ESPN}

Since it seems that Tiger Woods is well on his way to making this list with his complete failures at the basic tenets of cheating (voicemails: never a good idea), we at Guyism would like to offer him some reassurance. You’re not alone, Tiger. In fact, it’s been much ]]>

Since it seems that Tiger Woods is well on his way to making this list with his complete failures at the basic tenets of cheating (voicemails: never a good idea), we at Guyism would like to offer him some reassurance. You’re not alone, Tiger. In fact, it’s been much worse. Here are the 8 most dysfunctional athlete relationships ever.

Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra

Even though their drunkenly fueled wedding was invalidated after 10 days, this couple had one of the crazier 6 month flings ever. They were once arrested in Miami for a domestic spat after Rodman allegedly saw one of Electra’s ex’s on tv and commented harshly. This led to WWIII in their hotel room and causing security to show up. Later when Rodman was sleeping, Electra tried to stick an uncooked penne pasta shell up Rodman’s, uh, behind. Yeah, that actually happened. As recently as 2006, Rodman says that Electra called and said she still loved him.

I’d love you too if you fed me pasta, Carmen. As long as it’s in the correct orifice. Or if it’s angel hair.

David Justice & Halle Berry

How bad did it get between these two? Berry told Parade Magazine a few years back that she almost killed herself over Justice. Years after their divorce, Justice tried to seek alimony from Berry even though at the time he was making over 6 million a year.

Not only was he an average player but it seems he was a pretty average husband too.

Andre Rison & Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes

Their on again, off again relationship was highlighted by Lopes burning down Rison’s house in 1994. It didn’t help that Rison had multiple transgressions and Lopes repeatedly had stints in rehab. But that didn’t stop the two dating for almost 10 years.

Rison’s fetish for colorful pirates was never confirmed.

John Daly & Sherrie Daly

Did he hit her or did she hit him? In front of a crowded restaurant in June 2007, they verbally assaulted each other but later on that night is when things really heated up. Daly claimed that Sherrie pulled a steak knife out and tried to stab him. He showed up at a tournament a few days later with cuts and scrapes on his face (Apparently, it wasn’t from poor driving like Mr. Woods wink wink).

Sherrie later pleaded guilty to federal drug charges and served 5 months in jail. Being that this was his 4th wife, we’re going to go out on a limb and say Daly’s fitness to make these kinds of decisions was about as strong as his fitness to do, well, pretty much anything physical not involving the words “pie” and “contest.”

Anna Benson & Kris Benson

Even though this couple is still together, they’re not without their fair share of controversy. Not only has Anna filed for divorced and retracted but she once issued this infamous quote about her husband to Howard Stern:

“I told him [Kris] — because that’s the biggest thing in athletics, they cheat all the time — I told him, cheat on me all you want. If you get caught, I’m going to screw everybody on your entire team — coaches, trainers, players. I would do everybody on his whole team.”

“Mike Piazza just did a back flip,” Stern said. “Even the coaches? What about, like, the bat boys?”

“I’m lining them up,” Anna said, “I’ll (also) circle into other teams. Whatever team he’s playing, I will screw all them, too.”

Don’t know if she ever went through with it, but my application for bat boy is still in the works just in case.

Chuck Finley & Tawny Kitaen

Drug user…check
Suicidal…check
Spousal Abuser…check

And no, I’m not talking about Chuck Finley. His ex-wife Tawny might take the gold medal at the Crazy Beeyotch Olympics. Their relationship was filled with arrests, rehabs, and restraining orders. The couple’s nanny once issued a statement that she was often asked by her two daughters, “”Is Mommy whacked out again today?”

You stay classy Tawny. Though your contributions to 1980s hair bands will never be forgotten nor diminished.

Mike Tyson & Robin Givens

Things were pretty rocky with these two well before they showed up for their 20/20 interview in 1988. Givens had accused Tyson of violence and overall mental instability. But it came to a head on the show when she said that he was manic depressive. Tyson didn’t respond but looked visibly angry. Givens went on to say that being with Tyson was “torture, pure hell, worse than anything I could possibly imagine”. A month later they divorced but not before they got their pot shots in. Givens told everyone she had a miscarriage but Tyson denied she was even pregnant to begin with.

Considering Tyson bit a man’s ear off and told a boxer that he would “eat his children,” I’m going to go ahead and side with Givens here.

Jason Kidd & Joumana Kidd

It might be one thing for a person in a relationship to be an abuser. But both? That makes for a pretty messed up lifestyle. Joumana accused Jason of being a serial abuser and adulterer while Kidd cited extreme cruelty. Either way, Joumana once ended up with a broken rib and damaged hearing when he allegedly smashed her head into the console of their family car. As far as Jason’s list of transgressions is concerned, well, it’s quite impressive according to Joumana.

-Several different television reporters
-Strippers in Arizona, Sacramento, Miami, Dallas and Indiana
-A Nets season ticket holder
-A Nets employee
-And a cheerleader in New Orleans

A partridge in a pear tree refused to comment, but seemed to be walking away with a limp.

Look, I’m not trying to poke too much fun at people who struggle with weight problems here. Some folks kill themselves with diet and exercise order to keep themselves healthy and fit. However, these men are paid millions upon millions of dollars to be in shape and play at ]]>

Look, I’m not trying to poke too much fun at people who struggle with weight problems here. Some folks kill themselves with diet and exercise order to keep themselves healthy and fit. However, these men are paid millions upon millions of dollars to be in shape and play at the highest level of professional athletics. It’s their job to be physically superior to other people. They have the most advanced exercise equipment and best nutritionists on the planet at their disposal. You don’t have to be Jack LaLanne, but at least suck your gut in and try and look a little svelte when the cameras are on you…

I’ve always said…If you’re going to golf, golf in style.

This is John Daly last week trying to qualify for the U.S. Open. Unfortunately for him and fashionistas everywhere, he didn’t make it…

However, Daly will be playing this week at the St. Jude and apparently, he had to ]]>

I’ve always said…If you’re going to golf, golf in style.

This is John Daly last week trying to qualify for the U.S. Open. Unfortunately for him and fashionistas everywhere, he didn’t make it…

However, Daly will be playing this week at the St. Jude and apparently, he had to get a restraining order from his crazy wife. You know, the chick that tried to stab him….

Once, just once, I want to live a day in life of Daly…..Smoking, drinking, being fat….

Oh wait, I just described my own life….nevermind

Let’s look at some of the similarities between golf extraordinaire John Daly and MLB fictitious legend Kenny Powers..

They’re both fatThey’re both athletic has-beensThey’re both vulgar and can’t hang on to a relationship

And now apparently, they are both selling their merchandise out of their own ]]>

And now apparently, they are both selling their merchandise out of their own vehicles…

That’s right…John Daly is pawning off his merchandise right outside the gates of Augusta National Golf Club.

Everything from hats, balls, and caps..autographed of course.

Hell, all he needs now is a busty girl named April as a sidekick and he can have his own show on HBO…

Be a good way for good ‘ol John to make some of that money back…

7. The Strip Club

If you’re going to go out, go out in style. Let your lasting image be one of boobies in your face…

6. Taco Bell

I’d love to just once pass out in my nachos bellgrande….just once. That’s gotta be a great feeling in the ]]>

7. The Strip Club

If you’re going to go out, go out in style. Let your lasting image be one of boobies in your face…

6. Taco Bell

I’d love to just once pass out in my nachos bellgrande….just once. That’s gotta be a great feeling in the morning.

5. The Masters

Listen, Daly’s never going to win there anyways so might as well as embarrass yourself in front of some rich folks while you’re still alive

4. Ex-wife Sherrie’s Bed

Trust me, if you saw his other 3 wives, you’d pick this one too

3. The Hospital

Well, just in case things go south and you need your stomach pumped, there isn’t a better place. And if you’re lucky, you might get a sponge bath out of it…

2. White Castle

If John had some reefer with his Jack, this would be a perfect compliment

1. Tigers Woods Estate

You’ll think you woke up in some tropical paradise and then there is the off chance you’ll see Elin nude sanbathing…uh, yes please.

Yeah, that’s right. Butch Harmon hates fat people.

That’s the only explanation for dropping a great talent like John Daly.

Come on, its not like John doesn’t take his golf seriously. Look how many women he’s divorced just to try and keep his focus ]]>

Yeah, that’s right. Butch Harmon hates fat people.

That’s the only explanation for dropping a great talent like John Daly.

Come on, its not like John doesn’t take his golf seriously. Look how many women he’s divorced just to try and keep his focus entirely on golf.

Butch only cares about skinny golfers and guys who work out a lot. Don’t believe me?

Let’s look at some of the people Butch has worked with in the past

Tiger Woods

Greg Norman

Natalie Gulbis

Adam Scott

See a trend here folks?

I know many of you will point to Phil Mickelson as the exception to this. But I can tell you with the utmost confidence that Butch told Phil to lose his Tat Fitties or he wouldn’t work with him.

You think its just a coincidence that Fat Mick recently decided to drop his manzier and start working out?

No, no no, my friends. That was the edict of Harmon.

Guys like Mark Calcavecchia and Tim Herron were shunned and spit on when they approached him. Told to trade in their Big Mac and Fries for Chicken Salads if they even wanted to get in the door.

What a fatist I tell ya….

And as a fat man myself, I say, screw you Butch Harmon.

Screw You Buddy!

Long live the fat, out of shape golfer…..

It’s like Happy Gilmore only real. John Daly hits a drive at Warwick Hills in Grand Blanc, Michigan off a 24 oz. can of Budweiser. Oh yeah, his pro-am partner: Kid Rock. Now there’s some excellent planning and foresight…

H/T: AOL FanHouse

Now that Tiger is gone for the season, the PGA Tour needs to do something to keep attendance going. Here at Guyism, we believe these tips will be more than enough to keep it going

10) Give John Daly the go ahead to do the 18 challenge (18 Hot Dogs, ]]>

Now that Tiger is gone for the season, the PGA Tour needs to do something to keep attendance going. Here at Guyism, we believe these tips will be more than enough to keep it going