The world seems overrun with worthless celebrities, blowhards and fame-whores with nothing to offer the world other than the sale of their own dignity for the enjoyment of slack-jawed yokels everywhere. Obviously, some of these fools need to go away. And fast. Of course, we can’t include every worthless celebrity on this list because then it would be roughly 968 names long and I’m pretty sure I would get a nosebleed or at the very least get the urge to run wild with a hatchet by the time I hit number 50 and nobody wants that. Note: this will be epically hate filled and will probably piss some people off, but what the hell, at the very least this should earn me an invitation to the next Playa Hater’s Ball and none of you should begrudge me that. Now, with all that said, let’s get on with it.

9 Paris Hilton
The only reason Paris Hilton isn’t higher on this list is because no one really seems to give a shit about her anymore, at least according to the ratings from her latest miserable reality show which show that her audience basically consists of a retarded squirrel and a ham sandwich by this point. Still, Paris will always deserve to be on this list because she is basically the Queen Mother of the vapid fame-whore movement. I mean, come on, she literally became famous for sucking a guy’s dick. Now while I can applaud that kind of dedication to good old fashioned whoredom, unfortunately it paved the way for a generation of talentless ambition freaks, soulless monsters with cash registers for brains and hearts made of greed, all flooding the airwaves in a tidal wave of dumb noise, spray tanned giant asses and naked stupidity. Paris Hilton started all that. She made being a dumb whore fashionable and for that, she needs to go away.

8 Nancy Grace
Nancy Grace is the parasitic beast wriggling on the ocean floor of popular culture, sucking up every monstrous and hate-able thing she can, feeding on it in order to earn ratings and invitations to stupid reality dance shows. She trades on the misery and despair of others, and the worst part is that she actually clothes herself in some self-righteous do-gooder persona, like she is some sort of avenging angel. Well, why is it then, that the only “downtrodden” and “hopeless” people she advocates for are all stereotypical Natalee Holloway types, photogenic white, middle-class types who make for a nice, tidy story on the cover of People magazine? Where are all the stories on behalf of the poor African–American kids who go missing? Where are the indignant pleas for justice on behalf of the those poor, ugly folks doomed to be forever ignored by the press because they’re not photogenic enough? Those are the people who could really use her help. But instead, Nancy Grace prefers to appeal to the dimwitted carnivores of pop-culture, those who eat that shit up like popcorn at a movie theater. And because of that, she really, really needs to shut up and she really, really needs to go away.

7 Ashton Kutcher
I was all set to include Charlie Sheen on this list, but really, he’s pretty much already gone away. So instead I figured I’d include his talentless replacement, a doofus who has become more famous for being Ashton Kutcher: male concubine, than for anything he’s done in a movie or television show. It’s not that Kutcher is all that obnoxious – okay, fine, he totally is – so much as he’s generally, well, worthless. What does he actually add to anything? Is there anybody out there who sees his name attached to a project and thinks “Oh, man, I’ve gotta see that!” He basically exists now to spew dumb shit on Twitter and make Demi Moore look bad, which let’s be honest, isn’t that hard to do, but come on, man. Maybe it’s time to go back to Iowa for a while, Ashton. Or just go anywhere that we don’t have to see you. But no matter where you choose to go, just make sure that, for now anyway, you just go away.

6 Betty White
Wait… what? I know, I know, this one will probably make a bunch of people mad if only because, if I have learned anything over the years, it’s that on the internet people will get mad about literally anything. But I also recognize that Betty White is beloved. And honestly, this isn’t a knock on her. She’s great. It’s just that, well, the poor old lady needs to go away for a while. She’s a human punch-line at this point, the 2011 version of the Where’s the Beef lady or the Macarena. She shuffles onto the stage or screen, says something vaguely shocking and everybody howls. Good. Great. But… enough already, you know?

5 Jon and Kate Gosselin
The good news is that these fools seem to be on the way out. The bad news, though, is that they basically cashed in the lives of their own children for fifteen minutes of tacky fame. Jon has become an Affliction wearing joke, a tabloid punching bag whose greatest accomplishment in life is that he gave Lindsay Lohan’s dad a soul mate. Kate, meanwhile, just comes across like the Wicked Witch of the West, a humorless harridan obsessed with keeping her talons firmly affixed around the throat of whatever notoriety she’s “earned” by pooping out a whole litter of children. And she does it all with that same “I just smelled something terrible” look on her face that Nancy Grace has. Tthese two are awful and they have very likely ruined their kid’s lives and doomed them all to a lifetime of therapy and for that, they can kindly go away.

4 Anyone on ‘Real Housewives of… [fill in the blank]‘
This is the world Paris Hilton built. This is the world we all let happen. And every time you see one of these plastic faces on your TV, leaking botox and shame all over the place, spewing inane bullshit and, well, just generally being completely awful in every conceivable way, you should be ashamed of yourself. I know I am.

3 Snooki
Honestly, I could include virtually the whole cast of Jersey Shore here but for the most part, those dudes and lady dudes (and in J-Woww’s case, that seems like it might actually be an appropriate term) seem like harmless goofballs. The biggest exceptions are, of course, The Situation and Snooki. The Situation, though, seems like he’s already been burnt out. His ridiculous candle has already been snuffed and no one seems like they even care about the poor fool anymore. But Snooki… well, Snooki just won’t go away and that’s a problem because out of all of these idiots, she’s the one who seems the most despicable, like she understands only all too well that she is just America’s clown and just keeps feeding the beast with one ridiculous thing after another. Which wouldn’t be too bad except she is so obviously transparent about it. She’s on the TV, she’s all over the net, she’s got her own fragrance (eau de whore?) she’s got some lame spin-off coming up and she’s even all over the New York Times best seller list. A part of me appreciates her hustle. Another bigger part of me just finds her annoying as hell, and that part of me wishes she would just do the right thing and go away.

2 Lindsay Lohan
Look, I don’t want to see that crackwhore who lives in a box down the street and who sounds like she has a smoker’s cough from hell and who would probably trade in one of her last few remaining teeth for a moment of drugged out bliss, do anything, so why in the hell would I want to watch the slow-motion train wreck that is Lindsay Lohan’s life? There aren’t too many differences, except for… what’s that? Lindsay Lohan still has huge boobs? Well, carry on then. No, but for real, there is absolutely nothing interesting or attractive about Lindsay Lohan anymore. We get it, she likes drugs and she’s ruining her life and her family is terrible and blah, blah, blah… enough. It just never changes. She’s not America’s Sweetheart. She’s America’s Trainwreck. People don’t even want to make fun of her anymore. That’s how old this shit has gotten. They just want her to go away.

1 Anyone With the Last Name Kardashian or Jenner
Oh God, these friggin’ people. I don’t even know where to begin. They’re awful, just awful. I suppose I could start with this: this whole ridiculous clan is famous because of two things – Kim was filmed getting reamed by some dude and the original Kardashian patriarch was one of the ghouls responsible for getting OJ off the hook. What a legacy! Naturally, people who come from such fine, upstanding stock have parlayed that into epic fame-whorishness. These people would sell anything and everything. Their dignity was the first to go and now everything else is on the table too. They are so awful that they have even dragged multiple sports stars with them down into the gutter. It’s terrible. Of course, the core of this insane circus are Kim and her worthless sisters. I mean, it’s bad enough that Kim is famous just because she let some dude film himself banging her but her sisters are famous because they are simply related to that someone. They don’t even have the fame cache of a celebrity sex tape! They’re just… there. Okay fine, Khloe had that stint as the copilot of the Millennium Falcon but that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. In this galaxy and in this time, they are just human avatars of greed and pointless fame and because of that, they all need to go very far away.

Megan Fox: Why I’m Waiting to Have Kids
“The primary reason she and Green have waited to start a family, Fox says, is because they want to be financially stable.”

Amy Winehouse’s Dad Says Singer Died From Seizure
“…there were traces of the prescription drug Librium, which is commonly used to relieve anxiety and control agitation caused by alcohol withdrawal…”

Levi Johnston: Bristol Palin Told Me, “Let’s Get Pregnant”
“Bristol Palin felt so slighted by Sarah Palin’s 2007 pregnancy, she wanted to one-up her famous mom with a bun in the oven of her own…”

Dina Lohan Not Concerned with Daughter Ali’s Sudden Weight Loss
“Dina is adamant though that Ali is just going through a very big growth spurt…”

Material Girl Forces Volunteers to Look Away at TIFF
“…eight of those volunteers were asked to turn their faces to a wall so that they would not look at the pop-star-turned-movie-director as she made her way to her press conference about the film.”

Reese Witherspoon’s Black Eye — The First Pic Of Her Injury
“…Reese Witherspoon looked in good spirits despite sporting a black eye and bruises as she headed to a birthday party…”

Kate Gosselin: I’m Sure You Will See My Kids on TV Again
“I feel sad for my kids because of all of the opportunities that they’re now questioning what’s gonna happen.”

Bam Margera — Detained By Cops After Taxi Cab Punch-Out
“According the him, the cabbie started the whole thing by calling his lady friend a ‘slut.’”

Point Break is Getting a Remake. Officially, This Time
“The new version will be set in the world of international extreme sports and also involve an FBI agent infiltrating a criminal ring.”

Hannibal Lecter is Getting His Own TV Show
“…the show will ‘center on Lecter’s early days, namely his time going head-to-head with FBI agent Will Graham.’”

TODAY’S VIDEO
The first trailer from Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part 1.

Dark Knight Rises: Batwing first look!
“The aircraft appears to utilize fan-driven engines and be made of a series of interlocking plates, indicating that the ship may have some sort of shape-shifting quality.”

Nine of Michael Jackson’s former docs could be called as witnesses
“Dr. Murray’s lawyers list 103 people who could be called at the trial, including a nurse practitioner Cherilyn Lee…”

Reese Witherspoon flaunts huge new belly tattoo in bikini
“…Witherspoon’s chosen tat was a star, flanked by what appears to be two small birds.”

Paris Hilton missing 2 cellphones following flight to Philippines
“Hilton’s in the area to promote The Azure Beach Club, a luxury resort in the Philippines she helped design.”

Pippa Middleton flaunts tan, packs lunch for beau Alex Loudon
“She had packed a wicker hamper with sandwiches, juices, fruit and other snacks.”

Amy Winehouse fashion line still planned for fall
“After much consideration and with the blessing of Amy’s family, we have decided to release the AW11 Amy Winehouse for Fred Perry Collection.”

Kate Gosselin’s TV show, Kate Plus 8, gets canceled
“”By the end of this season Kate Plus 8 will have hit the 150 episode mark (including Jon & Kate Plus 8); an exceptional milestone.”

Tara Reid gets engaged, married in one day
“Hours after becoming engaged to Danish businessman Michael Lilleund, the 35-year-old tied the knot in Greece…”

Charlie Sheen pelted by garbage during concert appearance
“From the highest paid actor in TV history to getting pelted with garbage at the Gathering of the Juggalos in less than six months, Charlie Sheen’s year of ‘winning’ continues.”

Adam Sandler: I did not dine and dash!
“The restaurant owner says Adam’s company wouldn’t pay, so in retaliation, he put a sign in the window of his restaurant which read, ‘ADAM SANDLER ATE HERE AND NEVER PAID.’”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Taylor Swift has a minor wardrobe malfunction at her concert in St. Louis.

Kendra Wilkinson has another lesbian sex tape
“It’s a long tape, about 45 minutes. And there is nothing left to the imagination.”

Betty White rips into Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen
“They party too much, don’t learn their lines, are unprofessional, and they grumble about everything. I think they are terribly ungrateful.”

JWoww is ready to have kids
“Hopefully I’ll be able to settle down and have kids within the next couple of years — maybe even the beginning of next year.”

Britney Spears signs Nicki Minaj for concert tour
“Everyone involved in the concert is relieved Enrique Iglasias’ ego couldn’t handle opening for Britney and feel Nicki will be infinitely better.”

Paris Hilton sued for not returning $60,000 in jewelry
“Alianz contends Hilton never bothered to return the jewelry after police returned it and the Louis Vuitton bag it was stolen in to her.”

Rapper Gucci Mane arrested
“Radric Davis was charged with misdemeanor battery after a warrant was issued following an incident where he allegedly pushed a female out of a moving vehicle, causing her bodily harm.”

Kate Gosselin being sued by marriage counseler
“The complaint was filed at Freeland District Court in Pennsylvania before Judge Gerald Feissner on March 28, 2011, by a company called Creative Energy Options.”

Natalie Portman has given up veganism
“If you’re not eating eggs, then you can’t have cookies or cake from regular bakeries, which can become a problem when that’s all you want to eat.”

Kelly Osbourne considering gastric band to maintain weight
“She’s recently been on holiday and put on ­almost a stone (14 pounds) while ­enjoying herself.”

Dennis Quaid opens up about cocaine past
“It was supplied, basically, on movie sets because everyone was doing it.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
The Beastie Boys, “Fight For Your Right – Revisited” featuring Seth Rogen, Danny McBride, Will Ferrell, Jack Black, John C. Reilly, Rainn Wilson, Rashida Jones, Jason Schwartzman, Ted Danson, Stanley Tucci, Chloe Sevigny, Rainn Wilson, Rashida Jones, Jason Schwartzman, Steve Buscemi, Will Arnett, Susan Sarandon, etc, etc, …

Pamela Anderson – Playboy, Baywatch
Erin Andrews–ESPN sideline reporter
Chad Ochocinco- Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver
Nicole Scherzinger–the lead singer of Pussycat Dolls
Shannen Doherty – 90210, Our House fame
Kate Gosselin– Jon & Kate Plus 8
Evan Lysacek-2010 Figure Skating champion
Buzz Aldrin-Astronaut of Apollo 11
Jake Pavelka-The Bachelor
Niecy Nash–Reno 911.
Aiden Turner-Soap Opera star

I don’t know who those last two people are and frankly, I don’t care. I’d handicap the field but my knowledge is limited to ogling Erin Andrews on ESPN, being a fan of Pam Anderson’s sex tape, and dreaming of being Mr. Pussycat Doll.

I would guess though that Andrews being a former member of the Florida Dance team has the advantage. Anderson is at an obvious disadvantage because the contest is held on your feet, not on the knees. Oh yea, and her boobs might get in the way.

Though the Dancing with the Stars lineup for 2010 hasn’t yet been announced, there are strong rumors that Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocino will be part of the cast.

From TMZ:

Multiple sources tell TMZ the outspoken Cincinnati Bengal will be part of the cast of “Dancing with the Stars” this coming season.

Ochocinco joins a list of NFL stars who have done the show including Warren Sapp, Emmitt Smith and Jerry Rice.

For what its worth, Ochocinco isn’t letting the cat out of the bag yet. He had this to say on his twitter
earlier this afternoon

Great people who follow me on twitter, don’t believe rumors unless OCNN reports, OCNN NEWS- where the news is given n child please fashion

Assuming TMZ is correct with their sources, this should be extremely interesting. Ochocinco has always had a big following online and seems to share information at will with his twitter followers.

So at the very least, he’ll have support from that community when voting takes place. Aside from that though, we’re more concerned with the women who will be on the show. Because as much as we like Ochocinco, him prancing around doing the Tango isn’t why we’ll tune in. Julianne Hough on the other hand; um, yes please.

Dancing’ Scores TD with Chad Ochocinco {TMZ}

The reality show’s regularly scheduled episode will be pre-empted by a one-hour “special” Monday night, according to a TLC promotional spot released Thursday.

“Recently, we’ve made some life-changing decisions, decisions that will affect every member of our family, ones that we hope will bring each of us some peace,” Kate Gosselin says in the video promo.

As she speaks, these words cross the screen:

“A family in turmoil … A relationship at a crossroads … Where do they go from here?”

[via]

Description from WWTDD:

Here we see Plus 8 chasing fireflies and playing kick the can. Oh wait no they’re in a television studio so Kate can use them as props while she does an interview. While they wait, Mady says she’s thirsty. Kate ignores her. Mady says it again. Kate asks for a bottle of water, then takes a sip herself, then puts it away. Mady is, at best, three inches away when this happens. Mady says, “You’re really really mean, you drank it right in front of my face.” And Kate says, “Be quiet.” Then, FOR THE SECOND GOD DAMN TIME, Kate pretends as if she’s going to give a sip of water to adorable little girl, but then doesn’t.

That is straight up heartless. If I saw a child on the street and they were thirsty, I’d probably give them some water assuming they weren’t a different skin tone because come on, this isn’t charity. But this Kate won’t even give her own kids some water when we has a bottle full of it right there. Do you realize how crapty of a mom you have to be for your 7 year-old daughter to understand how much of a bitch you are? Kids aren’t really known for their perceptive abilities. You could crap on a child’s hamburgers every day for a month and they’d just stare at you and giggle then ask when Spongebob is coming on.

She’s deploying her children as though they were slaves! But then acting like she just did it for an adorable TV bit. That’s SO CLEVER. In my apartment, I’m forced to lug around objects and pour my own beverages but meanwhile this woman who has no job just makes her little kids wait on her. Sure, right now it’s lugging gallons of juice, but soon it’ll be adorable trips to rake the leaves or cute adventures in soldering together a table. Oh and the very special vacation episode in which Kate goes to the Bahamas while the kids build and varnish a patio. Then again, based upon half the ethnicity of the children, White Devil Kate may just want a railroad built. It’s genius, I tell you. Genius!

Regarding the adultery though, who cares? Kate needs an, ahem, larger gentleman to fill her stretched out love cave. And Jon needs to get some side trim after Kate’s cooch has been ravaged like that tauntaun that Luke Skywalker slept inside in Star Wars. So hey, let them both roam.