A group of people, intelligent ones at that, gave Kathy Griffin her own show. I’m actually speechless. Here’s what you need to watch tonight.

The Office @ 9pm, NBC: There’s news this week about the show retooling and heading to another town. No, stop it! ]]>

A group of people, intelligent ones at that, gave Kathy Griffin her own show. I’m actually speechless. Here’s what you need to watch tonight.

The Office @ 9pm, NBC: There’s news this week about the show retooling and heading to another town. No, stop it! Just end it now.

Coyotes-Blackhawks @ 8pm, CNBC: Will the Blackhawks try to exact revenge after the Marian Hossa injury?

Gruden’s QB Camp @ 10pm, ESPN2: Was Jon Gruden the “analyst” who bad-mouthed Robert Griffin III today? One NFL writer seems to think so (and I agree).

Community @ 8pm, NBC: Ah, how cute, Annie and Abed spend some time together.

Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson @ 12:30am, CBS: Today’s hot or not: 49-year-old Kelly Preston.

Kathy @ 10pm, Bravo: Kathy Griffin got her own talk show. I feel this is important enough to pass on.

Kathy Griffin recently tweeted a picture of Kardashian Khaos beach towels. Not only is the entire idea ridiculous, somehow the family managed to look even more awkward when printed on polyester. While she isn’t exactly a looker herself, Griffin is right to mock these atrocities. Because she’s ]]>

Kathy Griffin recently tweeted a picture of Kardashian Khaos beach towels. Not only is the entire idea ridiculous, somehow the family managed to look even more awkward when printed on polyester. While she isn’t exactly a looker herself, Griffin is right to mock these atrocities. Because she’s a comedian though, everyone took the opportunity to make their best attempt at impressing a professional. Let’s see if any of them succeeded.

15

@kathygriffin sister girl, can we kill them off already?

— fuck it (@Joe_cueto) March 19, 2012

14

@kathygriffin i just threw up in my mouth a little

— BPerry (@beck1316) March 19, 2012

13

@kathygriffin new merch idea: Kathy beach towels!! 5models, front view rear view toplessbottomless or both! I’ll take three of each please

— john saletel (@johnsaletel) March 20, 2012

12

@kathygriffin It’s unbelievable, isn’t it? It’s like a god damned world domination plan. I can’t take much more of it.

— Brynne-Eva Zeff (@NickysAngelBaby) March 19, 2012

11

@kathygriffin OMG! They have their very own spooge rags!

— doug wemple (@dudleydew) March 19, 2012

10

@kathygriffin you mean bitch towels.

— Peter Spyro (@peterspyro) March 19, 2012

9

@kathygriffin those whore still want people to pay to lay on them

— Peter J Likus (@LikusPJ) March 19, 2012

8

@kathygriffin Next they’ll have their own line of enemas.

— Brianne Sharpe (@BrianneSharpe) March 19, 2012

7

@kathygriffin there’s a really mean joke about them being used to having balls rubbed on them in there somewhere…

— Chris Haigh (@Higher_Boy) March 19, 2012

6

@kathygriffin They ain’t got nothing on you. I’ve seen your pics on the web. I’m looking at one now! It’s so awkward typing with one hand!

— Dennis Murdock (@DennisInOttawa) March 19, 2012

5

@kathygriffin does the back of the towel have an ass shot?

— mclaw (@mclaw7) March 19, 2012

4

@kathygriffin When r u gonna b on a towel? B/c I would never buy those whore rags in the pic.

— Daniel Edenrow (@DanielEdenrow) March 19, 2012

3

@kathygriffin Wow…I mean, Who doesn’t want to sit on the face of a Kardashian?

— Irene (@daysleeper_025) March 19, 2012

2

@kathygriffin Oh Look, Kardashiwhores.

— Alicia Kelly (@aliciakelly966) March 19, 2012

1

@kathygriffin Do they smell like fish?

— Jeff Trout (@irace1) March 19, 2012

The new television season is upon us. All of our favorite shows and celebrities are making their triumphant return into our homes. But, let’s face it….there are an endless number of people on television who simply shouldn’t be. Yet, for some unknown reason, these people continue to get deal ]]>

The new television season is upon us. All of our favorite shows and celebrities are making their triumphant return into our homes. But, let’s face it….there are an endless number of people on television who simply shouldn’t be. Yet, for some unknown reason, these people continue to get deal after deal after deal. This list is never-ending, so let us start with just 10 of these repeat offenders. With any luck, this list might become an Internet petition to have these people swiftly removed from our television sets.

10 Jimmy Fallon
The King of Mediocrity. NBC seems to have a thing for giving people who aren’t all that funny their own late night shows (See also: Jay Leno, Carson Daly). What a lineup. Conan was funny, but we all know what happened there. Fallon’s interviews are awkward and uncomfortable, and all of his bits are more about reminiscing about the late 80’s/early 90’s than actually being funny. He’s good in small doses, so no more hosting gigs please. A tiny cameo in a Harold & Kumar movie would probably be a better fit for him.

9 Tyler Perry
This man is a money-making machine. He currently has around 67 movies out in theatres at this very moment. But how many predicaments can that damn Madea get into?! He also supposedly has two TV shows. However, they only seem to play ads for the show and not the show itself. Rumor has it that networks usually like it when their audience can actually find the show. So, until people can actually figure out when any of his current shows are on TV, he needs to not get another one.

8 Betty White
Enoooough already. It was funny once. It was funny twice. But now anytime Betty White pops up on my television screen and says something that a grandma-aged woman shouldn’t be saying, I throw my remote at it. It’s becoming quite costly, so I’d appreciate if Hollywood would stop giving her gigs.

7 Nick Cannon (see also: Mario Lopez, Nick Lachey, etc.)
The “actor/musician” turned host is quite possibly one of the most annoying things on television. The fact they’ve realized that they’re not all that great at what they originally set out to do, but can still make some serious cash and be on TV, is both genius and pathetic at the same time. Cannon, those other guys might need this, but you’ve married and knocked up Mariah Carey (allegedly), so you’re pretty much set for life. Now it’s time to stop trying to generate your own income at our expense.

6 Denis Leary
Denis Leary had some of the best, filthiest, and raunchiest stand-up bits back in his prime. And his sense of humor translated perfectly onto his show, Rescue Me… for about three seasons. After that, something went horribly wrong and the show turned to crap. Leary suddenly adopted a stutter and now manages to say “ya know” in between every other word. Watch the show sometime and take a sip of beer every time he does. You’ll be hammered in three and half minutes. It was a good run, but that’ll be quite enough, Denis.

5 Matthew Fox
Matthew Fox has done enough dramatic, over-the-top crying for three people’s careers, let alone his own. He’s had two successful runs on hit TV shows, which is two more than most people usually get, so retirement is probably a good idea at this point… for our sake.

4 Kathy Griffin
If Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog ever had any offspring, they would all sound like Kathy Griffin. She may sound like a Muppet, but she’s nowhere near as loveable or funny. It’s very nice of Hollywood to keep any show she has far away from any channel a guy might stumble upon, but it’d be even more kind if Hollywood could make her disappear completely.

3 David Spade
Has David “Piggyback” Spade ever done anything funny in his entire life? It seems to me that he’s just made a career out of surrounding himself with funny people. Who is it that keeps deciding that he’ll be a good addition to any sitcom? Yet, he continues to pop up on them. Tivo should introduce a new remote with an “Anti-Spade” button that will instantly edit out any scenes in television shows, movies, and commercials that have David Spade in them, which ultimately will provide a more enjoyable viewing experience for the consumer.

2 Criss Angel
Before MTV gave us a whole Jersey Shore houseful of douchebag, A&E helped define the term by bringing us Criss Angel: Mindfreak. Magicians and illusionists are hard enough to like as is (See: David Blaine), but Criss Angel’s Posh Spice haircuts, tilted hats, overuse of jewelry, and Affliction shirts make it as impossible as levitation.

1 Kirstie Alley
It’s so unfortunate that a woman with the last name “Alley” ends up being the size of one. The sad story of a once thin and attractive actress who has lost her grip on her self control with food is not something we, as guys, want to have to endure over and over again. Her Jenny Craig commercial in which she screams “Fettuccini!” (0:18 mark in the video below) at the screen will haunt your dreams forever, so no further television time is needed for Miss Alley. Her work here is done.

I watch the television show LOST. In my mind, that means I know everything there is to know about living on an Island in the South Pacific; and yes, that includes reincarnation, dealing with the Smoke Monster and those velociraptors that almost outsmarted those moron kids in the documentary Jurassic ]]>

I watch the television show LOST. In my mind, that means I know everything there is to know about living on an Island in the South Pacific; and yes, that includes reincarnation, dealing with the Smoke Monster and those velociraptors that almost outsmarted those moron kids in the documentary Jurassic Park. Safe to say that I could survive by myself, but I thought about a perfect scenario for this and here is what I came up with.

First rule would be take all the cell phones and tell the women that you’re going to try and find a spot on the island that gets reception. Then when you’re out of sight, just dump them all in the water. Nobody is going to need those. The women on the island with you have the necessary skills to keep you alive and happy on even the smallest island. So if you’re for some reason stranded in the South Pacific and these 7 women are there with you, you’re probably going to want to just wait it out because you’re currently living on Fantasy Island.

Sarah Silverman – I’m imagining things get pretty boring when out on an island with no television or iPhones (you dumped those in the ocean, remember) and there are only so many Spongebob Squarepants episodes you can act out with a dead starfish and half a flip-flop before the medium becomes stale. You’re going to want someone funny to tell stories and entertain you, and with a repertoire of humor that spans the comedy gamut from semi-racist rants , to society hating sketches, and even delving into Matt Damon copulating music videos, you know Sarah Silverman would probably keep you laughing until the rescue team arrived. Or you would become offended that you decided to swim for it. Probably depends on what side of the fence you sit on.

Plus, she’s hot.

Karri Byron from Mythbusters – She can build just about anything out of just about anything. I figure with a pocketknife and a couple toothpicks, she’d be able to build a boat and sail your asses right off the island (Take that Gilligan!) And for those of you that think she’d need tools to be effective…she could probably build a good deal of those too. Kari has built a jetpack out of two liter bottles, she’s tested treating a jellyfish sting with vodka (Take that Dudley Moore!) and she has done not one, but two separate episodes about Jaws. All three of those things are going to come in handy on an island surrounded by water. Plus, Mythbusters has proved she’s a good shot with many different guns and loves to blow things up. She’s the Jill of all trades and possibly the most valuable woman on this list.

And of course, she’s kinda hot.

Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard – You’re going to want someone with strong swimming skills if you get stranded on an island surrounded by raging ocean. For a good portion of my life I have smoked and drank and spent as much time possible not exercising. I’m so lazy that in college people used to duct tape my head to the bathroom wall to keep me from drowning in the shower. That’s why having and Olympic swimmer like Ms.Beard would be your best bet if you ever wanted to catch food or search for sunken treasure.

Plus:

- She’s used to swimming a few miles a day. If a ship comes close to the island, she’d be the only person who could swim out far enough to get its attention. It’s almost like she’s been training for that moment her whole life.

- Treasure map. It’s inevitable that you’re going to find one, and if The Goonies taught us anything, it’s that you want to be a strong swimmer and make friends with any large lazy-eyed deformed mutant retards you might encounter while running from Italian crime families. It’s science people.

- She can hold her breath twice as long as everyone else. That’ll come in handy when searching for spots to fish and when you accidentally drop your keys off the rescue boat and you realize your AAA card expired two months after you landed on the island.

Plus, she’s freakin’ hot…

Hammasa Kohistani, Miss England 2005 – Dude, she’s from Kabul. Yes, that Kabul. She’s seen things that would make you weep openly, like a child with a skinned knee-that’s being shelled by incoming surface to air missiles. She is tougher and more level head than you and given the trauma she has suffered as a child growing up in the midst of a unimaginably horrifying holy war–a plane crash probably didn’t phase her as much as the other passengers. She’ll probably be the calmest of the bunch, so it’s probably best if you follow her lead early and often in the process. She also speaks 6 different languages, which is the skill you’ll find most helpful if you find inhabitants on the island speak some fruity language like French or you need someone to give directions on your oil tanker ride back to whatever port the nearest lawyer specializing in aviation disasters is currently residing.

Plus, she’s kinda hot.

Giada De Laurentiis, Host on Food Network – Some have claimed that the measurements on her Food Network program Everyday Italian are often inadequate and don’t translate well from television to real-life. As a heterosexual male, I will disagree. I feel that her measurements are far, far from inadequate. Wait—what. It’s a cooking show? Really? Oh, those measurements. Yeah, well the food she makes looks really good in HD and even though Italian cooking doesn’t use a lot of ingredients like pineapples, coconut oil, or fish, I’m willing to bet she is enough of a culinary expert to make it work. And I know culinary experts because my buddy is a culinary wizard down at the International House of Pancakes. He can make pancakes that are UN friendly in 8 different languages, including Swahili.

Plus, she’s really hot.

Marisa Miller – Why? Because she Marissa F*#^ing Miller! If you need any explanation for this at all, you are either blind, have had your genitalia mutilated in a horrible farming accident or are homosexual or possibly all three. I’m not judging. I’m simply stating facts here people. Win, lose or draw, you’re gonna want a SI swimsuit model/Victoria Secret model on the island.

Because she is super damn hot…

Kathy Griffin – She’s obnoxious, long winded and has no discernible talent. Get rid of her as soon as possible. The sound of her voice has been known to attract jackals and Bravo! Executives and trust me, you don’t want either of those things hovering around your campsite. Lions? Feed her to them. Blood-thirsty cannibals? Feed her to them. A plane full of comedy fans that somehow also find a way to your island? Don’t put her on. You’re better than that. Make them swim over to Dane Cook Island, at least over there they get to throw rocks at a has-been. You hate her, I hate her, so lets just feed her to the sharks and get it over with already.

Plus…she’s not talented or hot.

This article was written by BOH contributor Shawn. Follow him on Twitter. Please. He needs to feel loved.

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