The annual Razzie Awards have just been announced, celebrating the poopiest cinema of the year, and Adam Sandler set new records in sucking. Jack & Jill, the incredibly stupid comedy flop that managed against all odds to rise to a 3% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, has ]]>

The annual Razzie Awards have just been announced, celebrating the poopiest cinema of the year, and Adam Sandler set new records in sucking. Jack & Jill, the incredibly stupid comedy flop that managed against all odds to rise to a 3% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, has swept the Razzies, taking home 10 awards. That’s every single category the show has to offer. And it wasn’t like it didn’t have any competition – cinematic crap like Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star and Transformers: Dark Of The Moon was also nominated.

Here’s a rundown of the “winners”:

Worst Picture: Jack & Jill
Worst Director: Dennis Dugan, Jack & Jill and Just Go With It
Worst Actor: Adam Sandler, Jack & Jill and Just Go With It
Worst Actress: Adam Sandler, Jack & Jill
Worst Supporting Actor: Al Pacino, Jack & Jill
Worst Supporting Actress: David Spade (as Monica), Jack & Jill
Worst Screen Couple: Adam Sandler and Katie Holmes / Al Pacino / Adam Sandler, Jack & Jill
Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off or Sequel: Jack & Jill
Worst Screenplay: Adam Sandler, Ben Zook, Steve Koren and Robert Smigel, Jack & Jill
Worst Screen Ensemble: Jack & Jill

The amazing thing about 2011 is that Sandler spread his stench over just about every bad film of the year. Bucky Larson? He co-wrote it. Just Go With It? He starred in it. And 2013 will see him reunite with Jack & Jill director Dennis Dugan for another movie, their seventh together. After sweeping the Razzies, how much lower can a filmmaking team go? Aside from casting Lindsay Lohan, that is, who previously had the Razzie record for I Know Who Killed Me? I guess we’ll all find out.

I guess since Katie Holmes’ once-promising acting career is pretty much in the toilet (totally not her husband’s fault, of course) it makes sense that, since she’s still relatively attractive, modeling would be the next career path she’d take. Though to be honest I am surprised that ]]>

I guess since Katie Holmes’ once-promising acting career is pretty much in the toilet (totally not her husband’s fault, of course) it makes sense that, since she’s still relatively attractive, modeling would be the next career path she’d take. Though to be honest I am surprised that Xenu Tom allowed her to do this. Especially since she’s wearing a bikini and all. Then again he was probably there in the editing room looking over the guy’s shoulder telling him what flaws and defects he wanted removed from all the photos. He’s caring like that.

The MTV Video Music Awards is the one place that if you are looking to see beautiful celebrities, from sexy singers to hot actresses, you might want to add to your must-attend list (Lady Gaga performing as Jo Calderone aside). 2011 at the Nokia theater in Los Angeles was no ]]>

Sex-ay! Just kidding, the real sexy stuff is down below... (sorry)

The MTV Video Music Awards is the one place that if you are looking to see beautiful celebrities, from sexy singers to hot actresses, you might want to add to your must-attend list (Lady Gaga performing as Jo Calderone aside). 2011 at the Nokia theater in Los Angeles was no exception to this rule as you can see below from the number of hot ladies who took time out of their Sunday to get all dolled up for a night of musical performances, awards-presenting, all-around narcissistic self-love, and wondering what in the f*ck Cloris Leachman was doing anywhere near this place.

As I alluded to above, Lady Gaga opened the show by performing her single “Yoü and I” as her male alter-ego Jo Calderone. Seriously, that’s her, I swear.

Here are your 2011 MTV Video Music Award winners…

Best Pregnancy Announcement: Beyonce
Best Video With A Message: Lady Gaga, “Born This Way”
Best Pop Video: Britney Spears, “Till the World Ends”
Best Rock Video: Foo Fighters, “Walk”
Best Collaboration Video: Katy Perry featuring Kanye West, “E.T.”
Best Hip-Hop Video: Nicki Minaj, “Super Bass”
Best Male Video: Justin Bieber, “U Smile” (Who thanked both God AND Jesus.)
Best New Artist: Tyler The Creator, “Yonkers”
Best Female Video: Lady Gaga, “Born This Way”
Video Of The Year: Katy Perry, “Firework”

And here are a few of lovely ladies who were in attendance at this soiree (in order below): Demi Lovato, JoJo, Kelly Rowland, Maria Menounos, Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Victoria Justice, Zoe Saldana, Katy Perry, Skylar Grey, Beyonce, Katie Holmes, Kim Kardashian (Humphries), and Britney Spears.

Katie Holmes appears in this month’s Spanish Vogue showing off some cleavage and wearing semi-transparent dresses. She also looks a bit like a hot airline pilot. Maybe this is just the prototype for the Scientology Army uniform when they get everything pulled together for their world takeover. If ]]>

Did Xenu approve these photos?

Katie Holmes appears in this month’s Spanish Vogue showing off some cleavage and wearing semi-transparent dresses. She also looks a bit like a hot airline pilot. Maybe this is just the prototype for the Scientology Army uniform when they get everything pulled together for their world takeover. If so, I have to say that I won’t be able to fight back if their women in uniform look like this. Mostly because I won’t be able to stand up. Sneaky Scientology bastards…

I bet you forgot we got moved to Thursdays. I did too, except instead of the excitement you feel it was more like panic to try to find some bitches as fast as possible. But alas, that’s never hard to do. Especially when people are chopping off their husband’s ]]>

I bet you forgot we got moved to Thursdays. I did too, except instead of the excitement you feel it was more like panic to try to find some bitches as fast as possible. But alas, that’s never hard to do. Especially when people are chopping off their husband’s manhood. SO this week we’ve got the second coming of Bobbit, a lonely woman with a computer and a lawyer, a bitch who thinks vegetables are too innocent to be criminal, and Katie Holmes. That name invokes enough crazy to not need an introduction.

Penis Slicing Bitch of the Week: Catherine Kieu
Meet the new Lorena Bobbit, ladies and gentlemen. Her name may not be as easy to drop in jokes, but she’s certainly earned the right. Not only did this bitch tie her husband to the bed and chop off his weenis, but she then took it into the kitchen and dropped it down the garbage disposal, grinding up any possible chance of the thing being reattached. Now don’t get me wrong; I’m no stranger to irrational anger. I can get pretty pissed and do some damage. But I honestly don’t understand how you reach the point of slicing off a useful piece of hardware to prove a point. Especially when the argument that caused your outburst wasn’t even dick related. It’s not like the guy got caught cheating or with an arsenal of porn… they were fighting over friends staying over at their house. To me, going for the junk on that one is the epitome of cutting off your nose to spite your face. Good luck getting your husband to toss on a strap-on until the divorce is finalized.

Poor Motherly Choice Bitch of the Week: Katie Holmes
This one pains me, because who didn’t love Joey back in the Dawson’s Creek days. Her awkward smiles and predictably feminine reactions to her white girl problems were enough to hook anyone in. But she’s caught the express train into Crazyville ever since she let little Tom put a ring on it, and I’ve officially thrown in the towel on awaiting her return. This week she told reporters that she’s been buying a ton of maternity clothes, even though she’s not expecting. The clothes are apparently for her 5-year-old daughter Suri, because she thinks they’ll look so great on her. Can you imagine growing up with a closet full of your mom screaming “have a kid”? Bitch is gonna lose her virginity at like 10 and a half and there’s nothing her mom can do about it but throw her hands in the air and send in an application for MTV’s Pubescent and Pregnant (which we all know will exist by then).

Crazy Internet Bitch of the Week: Cheryl Gray
Ah, the beauty of internet romances. This woman fell deeply in love with a man named Wylie Ewan during a heated game of Mafia Wars (I’m not making this up). The two began a brief online relationship, during which time Cheryl sent a few pricey gifts. Cut to the part where Cheryl buys a plane ticket, and Wylie tells her he’s found someone new. Now this bitch is suing him for over $8,000 in damages, claiming defamation of character because of some status updates he posted. Hate to break it to you, Wylie, but I could’ve seen this coming from a mile away. Cheryl here is your modern-day cat lady, armed with a computer and sense that a social network constitutes a “life.” You can’t just send her a few guns or whatever it is that you do in Mafia Wars and not think she’s going to get ahead of herself and fly out to marry you. And, to her, posting a few negative Facebook statuses is the equivalent of fabricating a national news story. Luckily for you, courts don’t speak crazy and the case will probably be dismissed. But I’d still go ahead and pull some Catfish situation to make it look like you aren’t really you as quickly as possible. Don’t forget, she’s still got that plane ticket.

Guilty Bitch of the Week: Julie Bass
In case you haven’t heard of this woman, she’s the one who’s facing 90 days of jail for planting a vegetable garden in her front yard. (Women of) the internet are all up-in-arms about it, saying it’s ridiculous and to set the woman free. I say lock her up for a year. The woman was approached months ago with a warning that clearly stated her vegetable garden violated zoning laws. Instead of fighting it then or, I don’t know, removing the garden, she planted a few tomatoes. Now that they’ve come to do exactly what they said they were going to do, she’s claiming it’s ridiculous. She’s started Facebook pages and petitions that make it seem like her town is just arresting her because it’s got something against vegetables, completely leaving out the part where she knew this was going to go down. In one interview she said, “It’s not a high crime or treason or murder. It’s vegetables.” Gee, that’s fun logic, Jules! Let me try: It’s not a life sentence or the death penalty or solitary confinement. It’s 90 days. Now pack up your green beans and GTFO.

Welp, that’s it. Katie Holmes is ruined. I’d held out hope after seeing her in a sexy photo shoot for Elle awhile back, but these bikini pics are proof positive that Tom Cruise has sucked every last morsel of sexy out of her. I ]]>

Fight the Thetans, Katie... Fight 'em!

Welp, that’s it. Katie Holmes is ruined. I’d held out hope after seeing her in a sexy photo shoot for Elle awhile back, but these bikini pics are proof positive that Tom Cruise has sucked every last morsel of sexy out of her. I don’t know which photo proves it the most, the one above, or the first one below where it looks like Katie is only in the water to hide her incontinence. So how old is Katie now? 57? 58? She’s only 32?! What a waste.

Celebrity gossip items (other than Charlie Sheen news) you may have missed this week…

— Anne Hathaway made $750,000 on Oscar night. Gwyneth Paltrow made $500,000. For wearing jewelry. Seriously.

— It’s also been reported that Anne allegedly grew to hate James Franco ]]>

Celebrity gossip items (other than Charlie Sheen news) you may have missed this week…

— Anne Hathaway made $750,000 on Oscar night. Gwyneth Paltrow made $500,000. For wearing jewelry. Seriously.

— It’s also been reported that Anne allegedly grew to hate James Franco during rehearsals for the Academy Awards. Wow, you would never have known it. They were such a great pair!

— Mila Kunis was doing a whole lot of flirting with Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers at a party after the Oscars. Yes, Aaron Rodgers was at an Oscars party. Jay Cutler was apparently too much of a pussy to attend.

— Justin Bieber turned 17 on Tuesday and went to dinner with his girlfriend Selena Gomez. Normal, right? Yes, until you find out that a female Bieber allegedly fan punched Selena in the face (which she denies despite holding her head and crying).

— Robert Pattinson says that dating Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart is very traumatic. Understandable. Just watching her is hard enough.

— Paula Abdul is doing great since leaving Idol. And by doing great I mean accusing her boyfriend of kidnapping her on Valentine’s Day.

— Michael Lohan joined the cast of Celebrity Rehab without telling his daughter Lindsay first and that really made her mad. Because? Because that’s what they do.

— Madonna is a douchebag. I can call a woman a douchebag, right?

— Scarlett Johansson took an overnight trip to Cabo San Lucas with Sean Penn. She’s 26, he’s 50. Playa.

— Mike Huckabee basically called Natalie Portman a slut for getting knocked up.

— Katie Holmes has filed a $50 million libel lawsuit against Star Magazine. Because Tom told her to.* (*Not really, but probably.)

— Victoria Beckham has no need for handicapped people and their “special” parking spaces.

— Christina Aguilera: The Mugshot.

— And finally, Kacey Jordan won the porn star pageant on The Howard Stern Show. Maybe Charlie Sheen does know what he’s doing after all.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the fine people over at FHM and features the one and only Kylie Bisutti doing lots of fun things in very little clothing. Winning!

Take a good look at these sexy pictures of Katie Holmes in this month’s Elle magazine, boys, because you won’t be seeing her at the Oscars, thanks to her bats husband, Tom Cruise. Oh sure, we could say that Katie is really the one that’s upset ]]>

Tom may be a bit crazy, but he sure has nice taste in women...

Take a good look at these sexy pictures of Katie Holmes in this month’s Elle magazine, boys, because you won’t be seeing her at the Oscars, thanks to her bats husband, Tom Cruise. Oh sure, we could say that Katie is really the one that’s upset with Anne Hathaway for making fun of her on the most recent SNL, but we all know better, don’t we? Katie’s long since been lobotomized to the point where she wouldn’t even know what Saturday Night Live is anymore. I’m just glad that Elle has good graphic artists that were able to crop out Tom hanging above Katie in these photos pulling her strings to make her pose the way he wanted her to.

Shockingly, Tom Cruise let Katie Holmes do a movie (The Romantics) in which she gets to run around in lingerie. Granted it’s not the most revealing lingerie, but it is enough to prove that Katie still has one rockin’ body. Seriously, those legs were made ]]>

Shockingly, Tom Cruise let Katie Holmes do a movie (The Romantics) in which she gets to run around in lingerie. Granted it’s not the most revealing lingerie, but it is enough to prove that Katie still has one rockin’ body. Seriously, those legs were made for doing bad things. Oh yeah, you can also see Anna Paquin in the background of some of these pics, because she’s also in the flick, if you’re interested.

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Tom Cruise must be out of the country or in a galaxy far far away in order for his wife/slave Katie Holmes to have been allowed to go outside wearing such a wonederful outfit.

Good to see that all the time she’s spent with

Tom Cruise must be out of the country or in a galaxy far far away in order for his wife/slave Katie Holmes to have been allowed to go outside wearing such a wonederful outfit.

Good to see that all the time she’s spent with Victoria Beckham has not gone without some lessons being learned.