Oh yes, the condo also has an extra bedroom, presumably for the numerous late-night sex romps of frequent visitor and big sis Kim Kardashian. She may not have a man right now, but give her a few months, and some athlete with an affinity for roomy hips will court the lovely lass.

All in all, the price tag for the condo isn’t much—$7500 a month. A mere pittance for a family who have profited greatly from the stupidity of American viewership.

Honestly, I wondered if the way they were utterly destroyed by the cast of SNL might force them to actually take a step back and self-evaluate. I mean, how could it not? Boy, was I way off.

“Ha! I just saw the SNL skit they did and I could not stop laughing,” Khloe, 27, tweeted Sunday. “It’s SNL. They are supposed to make fun. It’s not who we are and I know that.”

Kourtney, 32, was so impressed with Wiig’s impression of Jenner that she “peed” herself. “It was classic,” she tweeted.

Echoed Khloe: “She was the best one!”

Their reaction doesn’t shock me. What shocks me is that it wasn’t a well thought out, elaborately planned public relations response, but it was truly these women’s reactions at the very moments the TV show aired. In other words, they 100% truly have zero clue whatsoever how ridiculously they are perceived by the rest of the world. I guess that really shouldn’t shock me either.

What Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian Thought of Saturday Night Live Sketch [Us]

Kim Kardashian’s Sisters Hate Kris Humphries
“Kris is getting famous for marrying a Kardashian.”

Kim K — Calling the Shots for New Pussycat Dolls Show
“…she’ll be running things BEHIND THE SCENES — as the executive producer of a new PCD reality show…”

Mary-Kate Olsen, Dakota Fanning Diss Lindsay Lohan at Fashion Week
“At two separate bashes, Mary-Kate Olsen and Dakota Fanning took serious measures to keep their distance…”

Charlie Sheen: “I Would Have Fired My Ass Too”
“It was bad and I own my part in that, and I just want to make everything right.”

Charlie Sheen: I’d RETURN to Men … If They’d Have Me Back
“If they thought it was a good idea … I’m completely on board for that.”

Brad Pitt: “I Wasn’t Living an Interesting Life” While Married to Jennifer Aniston
“”It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself.”

Brad Pitt: Jennifer Aniston Comments Misinterpreted, She “Remains My Friend”
“The point I was trying to make is not that Jen was dull, but that I was becoming dull to myself…”

Jennifer Aniston — Photog Swarm is Crippling Neighborhood
“…the paps have been stirring up constant mayhem for weeks — creating traffic problems, blocking driveways, and even causing a few minor car accidents…”

Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis Explain Hacking Scandal Photos
“At no time did Mr. Timberlake and Ms. Kunis exchange inappropriate texts or emails. … The insistence that there is any inappropriate correspondence between the two parties is entirely false.”

Gerard Butler Explains His Drastic Weight Loss
“I’m prepping for a surf movie.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Oliva Munn’s photo shoot for the latest issue of Shape magazine.

Leila Lopes of Angola Wins Miss Universe
“I consider myself a woman endowed with inner beauty. I have acquired many wonderful principles from my family and I intend to follow these for the rest of my life.”

Jennifer Lopez, Bradley Cooper Go on Romantic Dinner Date
“Both sexy stars are coming off big-time breakups.”

Charlie Sheen Lands New Movie Role
“…Sheen is set to star with Jason Schwartzman in the indie film A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charlie Swan III.”

Justin Bieber: My Teachers Were Mean To Me
“I wasn’t a bad kid, I just talked a lot in class.”

The X Factor Scores Big with Rihanna
“RiRi loved doing the U.K. finale last year, and the feeling from Simon was obviously mutual.”

Angelina Jolie Handcuffs Purse to Wrist in Toronto
“Angelina Jolie carried a unique fashion accessory to Brad Pitt’s Moneyball premiere…”

Kim, Khloe Kardashian Deal With “Friction” Over Pregnancy Race
“If Kim were to get pregnant first, that would cause tension, because it would highlight Khloe’s struggle.”

Reese Witherspoon Accident — Driver Feels “Awful,” Staying Off the Road
“…the woman thinks the Santa Monica corner is especially dangerous because there’s a large tree blocking sight lines for drivers.”

Salma Hayek’s Husband Speaks Out About Child-Support Case
“Salma Hayek’s husband has broken his silence in the big-money child support dispute over his child with supermodel Linda Evangelista.”

Erin Andrews’ Advice to New DWTS Cast
“There’s a day that you’re going to practice and your body hurts and you’re so tired you can’t even think about performing another dance, but when it’s over, you miss it a lot.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Lady Gaga’s first fashion film, featuring her song “You and I”.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for anti-gay rant
“I’m not a hateful person and don’t condone any kind of violence against others.”

Bret Lockett — I never actually met Kim Kardashian
“Although he maintains to have carried on a ‘physical relationship’ with Kim Kardashian, NFL guy Bret Lockett finally admitted … he has never even met her in person.”

Russell Crowe goes on anti-circumcision rant
“Circumcision is barbaric and stupid. Who are you to correct nature?”

Kanye West romantically linked to Mary Kate Olsen
“The two were said to be making out at the club and they left together.”

Shia LaBeouf: I’m done with Transformers
“I imagine they’ll reboot it at some point with someone else.”

Tired, wet fans angry with the Black Eyed Peas
“What, Will.I.Am can’t play in the rain? Is Fergie’s hair gonna get wet?”

Nicole Scherzinger tries not to read Cheryl Cole, X Factor headlines
“As for the woman she replaced as a judge, she called Cole ‘a lovely, beautiful girl.’”

Khloe Kardashian defends Kim’s shocking prenup
“Do you know what kind of day and age this is? Everybody needs a prenup.”

Ricki Lake sued for starting house fire
“…Kousayan reportedly spoke with emergency responders who claim that on the scene, Lake essentially admitted to causing the blaze.”

Hugh Hefner’s fiancée, Crystal Harris releases debut song
“My dad was a singer in the UK, and I got my pipes from him.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Legendary supermodel Heidi Klum in a new “Body By Milk” commercial.

Lost creator to January Jones: You suck at acting!
“Emma Frost’s THREE mutant powers: Telepathy, Transformation to Solid Diamond and last but not least, Sucking at Acting.”

Emma Watson: Why I really left Brown University
“I wanted to pretend I wasn’t as famous as I was. I was trying to seek out normality, but I kind of have to accept who I am, the position I’m in and what happened.”

Jennifer Lopez intimate home video allegedly stolen
“…co-executive producer of the project, Ed Meyer, allegedly took the data drive, containing the footage, from her house without her permission.”

Blake Lively, Leonardo DiCaprio went to Disneyland
“…the hot new twosome and their entourage were escorted via private entrance to the front of the line on the “StarTours” ride past 11 p.m..”

Kourtney Kardashian on Kim’s engagement: “I don’t have to get married now”
“Kim getting engaged definitely bought me some time…”

Khloe Kardashian flashes breast on live TV
“My nip slip is all over the internet. Is it weird that I love it?!”

Ultimate Warrior accuses Hulk Hogan of drug use, wife-swap
“Warrior released the rant yesterday to tease a 55 minute anti-Hogan video he plans to release later this month…”

Razor Ramon — Wanna buy my wrestling stuff???
“…he’s hoping to sell the iconic N.W.O. leather vest he wore during his epic Wrestlemania 18 battle with Stone Cold Steve Austin back in 2002.”

Celebrity Rehab season 5 cast revealed
“Dr. Drew’s new patients include tabloid mainstay Michael Lohan, Bai Ling and Baywatch star Jeremy Jackson.”

Tabloid apologizes for hacking into Sienna Miller’s cell phone
“The apology is just the cherry on top for Miller — she is expected to receive £100,000 in damages.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes of Nina Dobrev’s Seventeen Fitness shoot.

Lady Gaga takes a tumble during concert (Video)
“The ‘Born This Way’ singer was standing on her piano bench, with one leg on her piano, when she lost her balance and fell…”

Khloe Kardashian: Lamar wanted to quit reality show “3 days in”
“I thought it was going to be easy. It’s really tough.”

Justin Bieber pestered by paparazzi in Israel
“They should be ashamed of themselves. Take pictures of me eating but not in a place of prayer, ridiculous.”

Winklevoss twins lose Facebook lawsuit
“For whatever reason, they now want to back out. We see no basis for allowing them to do so.”

Lindsay Lohan fires back at Betty White
“It’s just a bit strange when people feel they must speak publicly about others. Especially a grown woman.”

Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ beats Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga on YouTube
“According to a Reuters report, the no-budget clip for Black’s song has been viewed more than 100 million times on YouTube since it was released on February 10.”

Kelsey Grammer enters the reality show business
“According to our sources, the show is centered around 3 single girls living in NYC who started the website ThatsNotOkayNY.com.”

Jim Carrey debuts a Mohawk haircut
“The normally chatty actor hasn’t said a word about his new look on Twitter … yet.”

Benicio del Toro, Kimberly Stewart expecting a baby
“Although they are not a couple, they are looking forward to the arrival of the baby.”

Amanda Bynes shows off her new puppy
“Amanda Bynes showed off her new Pomeranian puppy on Twitter Monday, just days after her missing puppy died.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
January Jones’ cover shoot for the May 2011 issue of UK Marie Claire (pics here).

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact the Kardashians are as popular as they are. Outside of Kim’s butt and breasts, there is not a single redeeming quality to any of them. Now, in fairness, Kim can cover up a lot of flaws for the rest of the family, especially when it involves her bending over or for that matter, getting bent over. But two TV shows for the same dysfunctional family? Nah, I’d rather watch re-runs of “Golden Girls” and fap to the thought of the salacious orgies those four were having behind closed doors.

Katie Holmes “horrified” by the Suri penis gummies incident
“I thought if I said ‘Put that back,’ and then she’s going to say, ‘What is this?’ And I really didn’t want to have that conversation.”

Shania Twain’s stalker arrested at the Juno Awards
“Just moments before Shania Twain was inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame at the Juno Awards in Toronto Sunday night, Toronto police took an audience member into custody and escorted him out.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger to star in ‘The Governator’ cartoon
“In classic crime-fighter fashion, the Governator will have his tricked-out Arnold Cave, along with a fleet of super-vehicles and a closet full of “Super Suits” that allow him to fly and perform super-stunts.”

Kendra Wilkinson not invited to Hef’s wedding
“‘I haven’t gotten my save the date yet … I’m not joking, I’m really pissed off about it.’”

Charlie Sheen sued for $20M in TV conspiracy case
“What’s more, Meyer has alleged Charlie’s parents, ‘West Wing’ star Martin Sheen and his wife Janet, acted as ‘co-conspirators’ in killing the program.”

Britney Spears being sued for $10M by ex business partner
“The 29-year-old ‘Baby One More Time’ hit-maker was slapped with the $10 million lawsuit on Wednesday which centers around her Radiance fragrance and multi-million dollar branding deal with beauty giant Elizabeth Arden…”

Lady Gaga’s leaked ‘Judas’ lyrics aren’t quite real
“Various versions of lyrics reportedly from the track hit the Internet, and it appears that someone used Gaga’s recent Google interview as inspiration.”

Khloe Kardashian says she’s “the ugly sister”
“I’m the fat one. I’m the transvestite. I have had those mean things said about me at least twice a day for the last five years.”

Emily Deschanel is pregnant
“The actress, 34, and Hornsby, a writer-actor best known for his role as Rickety Cricket on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, met through friends and began dating in 2007.”

Allen Iverson’s Lamborghini locked up in a police impound yard
“…after Iverson got his belongings out of the Lambo — he slipped into another car … his friends were following in an even sicker Rolls-Royce.”

One order of nightmare fuel coming right up!

Yesterday we saw how Kim Kardashian goes about getting our attention (hint: loads of cleavage). Today we see how her bodyguard, I mean sister, Khloe does it: By wearing odd clothes, including a mask that looks like it fell out of Mick Foley’s closet, for YRB magazine. So I must ask those few of you who actually read what I write here between the photos, is this hot? Because as hard as I try, I’m just not seeing it.

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Did Miley Cyrus leak a naked sext of herself or was it stolen? Or is it all a complete and total hoax? YOU MAKE THE CALL!

— Speaking of girls being bad, there is an alleged “graphic video” of one Jenny on the Block that shows shows new Boys & Girls Club spokesperson Jennifer Lopez “without underwear” and with her “vagina in plain view.” So I guess now we should refer to her as Vay-J-Lo.

— Gossip Girl execs have told Taylor Momsen that they will not requiring her services for awhile. Excuse me while I laugh my freaking ass off.

— And if Taylor Momsen is considered a ridiculous diva, and she is, what exactly does that make Rachel Uchitel?

— Britney Spears’ boyfriend, Jason Trawick, hits her. Or not.

— Lindsay Lohan is seeking a restraining order against the paparazzi. Not just one photographer, the ENTIRE paparazzi. Good luck with that, LiLo.

— Angelina Jolie has managed to make Bosnian rape victims even sadder than they already were. A truly amazing feat.

— Here’s a shocker: Megan Fox being at little league baseball games increases the attendance at said games.

— I guess this qualifies as news: Christina Aguilera was sad about her divorce. So sad that Xtina’s already hooked up with a new fella.

— Mischa Barton says she’s not crazy. Like we’re supposed to believe anything a crazy person says.

— It’s official: Kim Kardashian will put her name next to any product — even toilets.

— Continuing his quest to bang every warm thing in Hollywood, John Mayer has his eye on Eva Longoria.

— Charlie Sheen is being sued by that hooker he kidnapped. That’s okay though, he is suing her right on back. Can someone please make a movie of his life already?

— Speaking of Chuck, his texts to the hooker are quite the read.

— John F. Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin is up for auction. In case you were in the market for that sort of thing.

— And finally some nightmare fuel for you: Khloe Kardashian lost her virginity when she was 14.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the fine folk over at FHM.com and features UK soap star Michelle Keegan. Michelle is famous (at least in my book) for being a smokin’ hot babe who is one of the rare women over there not to pose topless in a lad mag. That being said, this video puts her one very, very sexy step closer to that becoming a reality. Enjoy!

Check out more of Michelle Keegan or the lingerie buyer’s guide at FHM.com.

Halloween is only a few days away and many of you are still scrambling around trying to figure out a costume. Instead of breaking out your cheesy “This IS my Halloween Costume” t-shirt, you might want to try one of these tasteless gems on for size. They’re all abnormal, yet relevant to the past year. And nothing is more satisfying than when people don’t approve of something you yourself find incredibly funny.

7 Lamar Odom/Khloe Kardashian Costume
The good ol’ half man/half woman costume is nothing new. The problem with this costume is that one half always looks awkward because men and women aren’t usually the same size. Well, this problem is immediately solved if you dress as Lakers forward, Lamar Odom and his oversized wife, Khloe Kardashian. All of a sudden, your broad shoulders are no longer an issue. You can also pull off the same type of costume if you choose to dress as Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian’s ass.

6 Ex-BP CEO Tony Hayward Costume
This costume is more in the acting you’ll do than in the costume itself. Just break out a suit and toss on a helmet with the BP logo on it. From the minute you walk into whatever party you attend, start spilling liquids everywhere. Apologize repeatedly and proclaim that you wish this would all end and that you’d “like your life back”. Then continue to enjoy yourself at the party while everyone else scrambles to clean up the mess you’ve made.

5 The Michael Vick Comeback Costume
Yes, Michael Vick is finally back making some headlines that don’t have anything to do with animal cruelty. Unless you count the beatings he gave to the Lions and Jaguars this season. But this might be a good time to save some money and recycle your costume from 2007. Grab a sharpie, cross out “Falcons” and replace it with “Eagles”. As for the noose wrapped around your stuff toy dog’s neck, just replace that sucker with a leash and you’ve been successfully rehabbed and reinvented.

4 STD Snooki Costume
There’s no question that there will be Jersey Shore costumes all over the place this Halloween. So, how do you make yourself stand out in a room full of fist-pumpers? Run to the make-up store and grab some of those latex scars. Apply them to your lips and BOOM!… You’re STD Snooki. And you’re probably a lot more authentic than everyone else dressed as her.

3 Cheating Chilean Miner Costume
Perhaps the most memorable of all the Chilean miner stories was the one who asked both his wife and his mistress to meet him when he was rescued. Ask two of your female friends to join you on this one. Grab yourself a mining helmet and some sunglasses. Have one of your girls dress as your wife in a bathrobe, curlers, and carry around a rolling pin (basically be as sexist as possible), while the mistress girl should get all made up and dress a little skanky. In every picture you take, have your wife hitting you over the head with her rolling pin while you make out with your mistress.

2 SCRAM Bracelet Lindsay Lohan Costume
Women use Halloween as an excuse to dress incredibly provocative and get absolutely hammered. That’s why this costume is perfect for doing both. Wear revealing clothing (underwear is best left at home), get wrecked, and when people accuse you of being drunk, deny it while you point to your SCRAM bracelet and claim that it’s just your perfume setting it off.

1 Tiger Woods Costume
It might be old news by now, but this is the first Halloween that you’ll be able to grab your Nike visor and golf club to dress as everyone’s favorite womanizing golfer since the big Thanksgiving incident. Grab a bunch of Velcro and some naked Barbie dolls, attach them all over your body, and spend most of your time texting. If you want to borrow your Chilean Miner buddy’s wife for a picture, make sure to replace her rolling pin with a golf club to hit you over the head with.

If there was a 12-step program to becoming pu$$y whipped, Lamar Odom would be well on his way to hosting his own meetings. His mother-in-law, Kris Jenner, is now his full-time manager handling everything from “paid appearances, setting up endorsement deals, and handling any other personal marketing activities”.

Of course, Kris is the mother of Khloe Kardashian, Lamar’s wife. For what it’s worth, the only Kardashian I’m familiar with is the one who got bent over by that dude in the sex tape. As far as the purposes of this post go (and because my wife occasionally peruses the site), I’ll pretend like I’ve never seen it. But seriously, I may have an HD version of it on my computer if you’re interested.

Back to Lamar–dude is getting played. He essentially let that whole crazy family run his life. How else can you explain this video that Khloe posted a few months back?

Yea, no wonder Reggie Bush got the F#@$ out of there.

Lamar Odom — Big Mama Kardashian Is My Manager [TMZ]

— Jessica Alba thinks she’s not that great looking. Seriously.

— In other absurd female celebrity news, Jennifer Aniston is the most eligible single woman in the world, according to a new Vanity Fair poll. As dubious as that is, wait til you see the rest of the list.

— Remember how some lovely young lady named Brittney Jones claimed to have been sleeping with Ashton Kutcher? Maybe you don’t because neither Ashton nor his wife Demi Moore ever really commented on it. Maybe that’s because Demi once let Michael Phelps (yes, that one) play with the part of her body where her daughter Rumer first appeared. Figure it out.

— Devon James’ Tiger Woods sex tape Web site is now online. I guess.

— Courtney Love quit Twitter because of a nude photo posted to her account that was supposed to be a private message. I’m shocked that something as technologically advanced as Twitter confused Courtney. She seems so bright and level-headed.

— In other well-balanced female celebrity news, it seems that on the first day Lindsay Lohan was allowed to have visitors in rehab at the Betty Ford Center the only person who showed up was her personal assistant. The person she pays to hang out with her. No one else. Wow.

— Okay, one more for the crazy train… Tila Tequila tried to stop the release of a sex tape in which she is a main character by going to court. The judge laughed at her – figuratively at least.

— Lil Wayne got tossed into solitary confinement for musical contraband. Such a hell-raiser, that Lil Wayne.

— Christina Hendricks gets hit on by gay men. She’s just that damn attractive.

— Snooki was offered $100k to be the face of porn, further proving that the porn industry has run out of attractive people.

— Lisa Rinna got a lip reduction. On her face, pervert. In other news, who gives a f–k?

— Kobe Bryant says he could beat LeBron James in a game of one-on-one… in his sleep (video evidence of said boast). Prove it, I say.

— Further proving that TV executives have run out of anything resembling an idea, the Kardashians are getting yet another reality show.

— Speaking of the Kardashians, someone (some AWESOME person) threw a drink on Kim the other day at a bar and some kind of lame celebrity fight ensued. And yes, her top got wet, because I know you were wondering.

— And finally, Paris Hilton: Step-mom?

Today’s sexy video comes to us courtesy of (still 17 years-old) Miley Cyrus. It’s the just released video for her new single Who Owns My Heart and let’s just say if you have a daughter who is a big fan of Hannah Montana, you not want to watch, because if her last video gave you pause, then this one will make you start a bonfire of all your kid’s Hannah Montana gear. However, if you don’t have a daughter, please feel free to pedo it up…

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Alec Baldwin is urging Blake Lively to strip for PETA. Alec Baldwin is the smartest man in the entire world. (Then she’s free to do that Playboy thing we discussed a while back.)

>>> Quote of the year? Cougar Town actor Josh Hopkins calls Jennifer Aniston a “sport f–k”. I like you Josh Hopkins. Whoever the hell you are.

>>> Heidi Klum quit Victoria’s Secret. A moment of silence, please.

>>> Gisele Bundchen was photographed canoodling (yes, I said canoodling) with a man who is not Tom Brady. I am sure there is a logical explanation for it though. Like she is a whore or something straightforward like that.

>>> Dane Cook strikes out with the ladies just like you. Only he has a lot of money to make him feel better.

>>> Jessica Simpson’s career seems to be going well.

>>> Khloe Kardashian is trying to get pregnant. And yet people still need to pass tests just to drive a car.

>>> Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey take showers twice a day together. Meanwhile, we’re at work, slaving away for a buck. Ugh.

>>> Lindsay Lohan has multiple personalities. So says a “longtime Lindsay Lohan associate”. What’s more shocking? That LiLo has multiple personalities? Or that she has a longtime associate?

>>> Oh yeah, Lindsay’s also back in rehab. For the sixth time. I’m sure it’ll work this time though.

>>> At least she has Charlie Sheen’s support. That’ll get her over the hump, for sure.

>>> Paris Hilton is set to begin serving the 200 hours of community service as part of her cocaine plea deal. Most likely visiting sick kids and helping out at an animal shelter. Wait, who is being punished here?

>>> Speaking of Paris Hilton, her boyfriend ran over a photographer, and there was video. Frankly I am surprised he didn’t run over a gas pump. You know, to kill himself… because he’s Paris Hilton’s boyfriend.

>>> Eminem is returning to acting for a sex drama named 360. A sex drama, you say? Sounds like Jenny McCarthy might want to get in on some of that.

>>> Emma Watson is back at Brown University for her second year of college, horrific haircut and all.

Today’s sexy video comes to us from Lynx Rise and features Jessica-Jane Clement. Why am I giving them free advertising, you say? Did I mention it featured Jessica-Jane Clement?

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Lindsay Lohan was declared to not be a drug addict. Seriously. No, really. Doctors, with degrees and such actually said that. Really.

>>> Jennifer Aniston said the word “retard” on TV. People got mad.

>>> Steven Tyler fell off a stage. Again.

>>> Anna Paquin got naked. Again.

>>> Megan Fox wears her eight year-old stepson’s clothes. I can’t believe I actually wished for a second that I was Brian Austin Green’s son. I need a drink pronto.

>>> Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom and his “wife” Khloe Kardashian are about to put out their own perfume. No, I did not make that up.

>>> Brittany Murphy’s dead husband Simon Monjack was sleeping her with mom before he (also) died. Again, did not make that up.

>>> Amanda Bynes might not be real smart.

>>> Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood broke up. Again.

>>> Laurence Fishburne is through with his daughter Montana, because of her sexy ways. He was especially pissed that she used her real last name. Because that’s what really matters here.

>>> In other shocking news, Montana Fishburne is suing someone related to her pornographic past because, get this, they did something without her permission that she didn’t like. For reals.

>>> Paris Hilton wants to open her own hotel. I’m guessing the hotel will have hourly rates.

>>> You may have heard that Tila Tequila was attacked while performing topless at a Juggalo show. What you may not have heard was that the Insane Clown Posse warned her that might happen.

>>> Mel Gibson crashed his Maserati into a hillside. Sadly for many, he survived.

>>> Michael Douglas has throat cancer. Get well, Double G.

>>> And finally, Kim Kardashian’s entire body is hairless. The world needed to know that.

This week’s sexy video comes to us via Soho magazine who did an amay-zing photo shoot of Colombian actress Natalia Paris, which included many shots of her sans top. Watch the video and let your imagination run wild (then run to Google as fast as you can).

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Let’s get right to the Lindsay Lohan news of the week: Lindsay plans to pose nude with her SCRAM bracelet as part of an ad campaign for her 6126 fashion line. The same SCRAM bracelet that apparently can be set off by spray tanning. Which, in turn, means LiLo’s going to look like George Hamilton in about three days.

>>> Speaking of genius actresses… Megan Fox got a tattoo in Mickey Rourke’s honor. Now who says she isn’t smart?

>>> Nicole Richie — also not smart. Remember the DUI she got in 2006 for driving the wrong way on the freeway while she was high? Her probation was just extended a year because she didn’t complete the terms.

>>> Tori Spelling thinks she’s been in contact with the ghost of Farrah Fawcett. I don’t make this stuff up, I just report it.

>>> And the genius parade doesn’t end there… Britney Spears is messing around with her medication because she wants to get pregnant. Yes… we need more like her in the world.

>>> Amanda Bynes says she is retired from acting. Let’s see if we notice.

>>> BREAKING NEWS: Richard Simmons is gay. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.

>>> Jason Bateman is better than you. At least employees at his local Apple store think he is.

>>> Justin Bieber’s mom might do Playboy. Apparently Playboy has officially run out of women that men want to see naked.

>>> Mel B, aka Scary Spice, says that she has sex with her husband five times a day, which is, of course, a complete and utter lie, am I right???

>>> Rachel Bilson is going to be in a video game. Hopefully she is dressed like this and not in her usual attire.

>>> Robert Pattinson thinks I am a nerd, which is fine because I think he is a no-talent actor who happened to get really lucky.

>>> Laker wives Vanessa Bryant and Khloe Kardashian are apparently not in love with one another. Go figure.

>>> Remember Andy Dick? Well, his life is going just swell these days. And by swell, I mean it’s time to grab him in your death pool.

>>> Adrianne Curry has a problem. And that problem is that she thinks every facet of her life must be displayed on Twitter, including her taking a shower.

>>> And finally, in the best news of the week, Lady Gaga finally paid a price for wearing all that stupid sh-t she wears. Idiot… But at least someone famous finally had the stones to say what we’re all thinking. Thankyouverymuch, Mr. Seinfeld.

Naturally, every athlete now wants to run a train on the Kardashian sisters. Denver Nuggets point guard Ty Lawson hilariously tweeted that hooking up with one of the Kardashian’s would get you a championship

Let’s look at it this way, it’s a win-win situation for any D-List athlete. Nobody had even heard of Kim Kardashian before that sex tape and voila, years later, she’s one of the most famous people in the world. So if you’re a fringe NBA player, why not take the plunge into the abyss known as Kim Kardashian’s butt. At worst, people accuse you of taking sloppy seconds (and thirds and fourths for matter). At best, you parlay it into a new gig as a pseudo celebrity.

Ty Lawson: Kim Kardashian Sex Would Help Me Win {Huffington Post}

>>> Mad Men’s January Jones not only did the walk of shame the other day, she also apparently had a bit of trouble keeping her car off of other cars (she may have been drunk), if you believe the fine men and women of the LAPD, who said, January “was driving a Range Rover … when she allegedly lost control, hit the other cars and caused some major damage. We’re told a witness reported the accident to police and claimed that January fled on foot after saying, ‘I can’t deal with this commotion.’” Yes, I hate it when I cause a commotion and have to deal with the consequences. Such a pain.

>>> Let’s just get our weekly dose of Lilo out of the way right now. As you know Lindsay Lohan got hauled back into court this week because her SCRAM bracelet went off, meaning she consumed alcohol (there is no argument here). And sensing the chance to jump back into the spotlight Lindsay’s mom Dina decided to drop some “truth” on us saying, “[Lindsay] was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn’t have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.” Except that doesn’t make any sense.

There is a bright side to this story though: The courts, being the great protectors of society that they are, have decided that if Lindsay just can’t help herself and MUST have a drink, she can. And it will only cost her $10,000 a drink. I put Lindsay’s court date in bankruptcy court somewhere around August 1 of this year.

Oh yeah, one more thing, Lindsay is going to be on Celebrity Apprentice. That should be fun.

>>> Speaking of former teen superstars/train wrecks, Britney Spears is back in the news… for allegedly sexually harassing one of her bodyguards. It really never ends for Brit and Lilo, does it?

>>> And speaking of celebrities who no matter what they do just can’t seem to get themselves into jail, Charlie Sheen, who last week was concerned about not being able to smoke during his incarceration, has managed to delay his lockup even longer thanks to the jail’s administrative officer who thinks Charile shouldn’t be eligible for work release. So now the jailers are even trying to keep him out of jail, or in jail, or something…

>>> Remember Sarah Palin? Well, she’s back in the news for something I thought I would never see. People are now speculating that the former VP candidate has had some re-construction done on her upper floor. Says the folks over at Wonkette, “we can report with confidence that at least two people with experience in having breasts say that Sarah Palin sure looks like she was trotting out some new work at the horse races on Sunday.” Consider this your political update for the year on this site.

>>> In news that surprises no one, because in general people are insane, Kristen Stewart has a stalker. I say people are insane, not because someone is stalking a celebrity, but because they chose her. K-Stew is, of course, taking it very seriously, insisting that no crazy “will keep me from living my own life”. I’m not supposed to root for the stalker here, right?

>>> Remember a week or two ago when I reported that “The Big One” Khloe Kardashian was pregnant with Lamar Odom’s child? Well, it’s not true, proving that indeed there is a God.

>>> Our favorite psycho supermodel, Naomi Campbell, made news again this week, and yeah, it’s pretty much for what you’d figure it was for. Naomi allegedly refused to walk up some stairs because a lift was broken – on a promotional appearance to plug her own perfume, then walked out of the live television show, and now she is being sued. How much would you give to make Naomi work at McDonald’s or as a secretary for a week? There’s a reality show I would watch.

>>> Eva Longoria is being sued by the former managers and co-owners of her restaurant Beso. They basically claim she strongarmed them and accused them of stealing and punching a customer, but, of course, they want their jobs back. It’s Beso, after all!!

>>> I told myself I wouldn’t talk about this, but in an effort to make sure that 100% of the population knows just how truly stupid Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are (98% just won’t do!) here we go… Heidi filed for separation from Spencer. Oh no!! You mean they might have a fake divorce of their fake marriage some day?!! Idiots…

>>> In news that is sure to register not a blip on your excitement meter, one of the “Real Housewives” of something or another is releasing a sex tape. Someone named Danielle Staub is featured in it. Yeah, I have no clue who she is either.

>>> In news that will bring a smile to your face, someone stole Kanye West’s car… his $133,000 Porsche Panamera. But wait, it gets better… He got the car back, but not until someone crashed it into a multimillion-dollar house. See? I told you it would make you smile!

>>> Oh yeah, Lady Gaga went to a Mets game, flipped off the fans, and kissed a chick. Just another day in the life…