I tend to think kids can figure it out themselves. We give kids like 10 years and then we go, “Oh, we can’t leave him alone, he’d die.” At 10, I could have made myself some food or microwaved leftovers or whatever. At the very least, I could have avoided lighting myself on fire or eating Draino. So how about instead of overparenting children, we just let them roam free. At the very least, it’d be an inexpensive retelling of Lord of the Flies.

Dozens of Gig Harbor High School students demonstrated outside the school Monday to protest an official’s decision to show parents surveillance video of their daughter kissing another girl.

The controversy arose after the school’s dean of students, Keith Nelson, saw the two kissing and holding hands and found video of it on the surveillance system. He showed it to the parents of one of the girls because they had asked to be kept apprised of her behavior.

The parents moved the girl to a different school district after watching it.

Classes continued during the disruption, said Principal Greg Schellenberg. He said he congratulated the students on holding a peaceful demonstration. The protesters wore T-shirts that said “free love” and waved peace signs.

Schellenberg agreed that it was wrong to show the surveillance video to the parents, and said that from now on school officials may only use the surveillance for security monitoring and discipline for actions such as trespassing, vandalism and fighting.

You really have to be careful with students’ rights. If two girls are making out, who’s to say they’re wrong? I’m sure he doesn’t do the same thing for heterosexual make-out sessions. Then again, I wonder what we’re missing in this story. If there are beads being thrown at the girls or body shots beforehand, then we may be slightly overstepping what’s appropriate at school. But making out and maybe a little fingering (i.e. only the pinky or thumb or an Asian penis so as to not provide too much pleasure) is totally okay.

If these girls are just doing it for kicks though, this seriously doesn’t bode well for society. Making out for attention used to be the calling card of the college girl. Now it’s in high school? By the time I have kids, there are going to be girls strapping one on in 7th grade biology while the whole class watches and yells “Ass to ass! Ass to ass!” and throws frog legs on the table. Which seems less than ideal as a parent, I’d think. Oh well, so long as she learns that mitochondria are the fuel source of body somehow, I guess it is what it is.

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Provo police are investigating a bizarre incident this week: a van parked in a residential neighborhood with a sign on it, reading: “free candy inside.”

It turns out, police believe the sign was harmless. But for neighbors who live in Provo’s Grandview neighborhood, it raised serious concerns with them that a child predator could be targeting kids on the street.

The white van was parked on a neighborhood street in front of a home. No one on the street knew who the van belonged to, and the neighbors were worried about the sign posted in the back window.

Officers tracked down the van’s owner, who is a college age student. He told officers he put up the sign a few days ago as part of a prank with his friends.

It’s kind of funny to do this because, really, I don’t think many pedophiles are outright announcing their candidacy for your child’s bunghole with signage. But at the same time, I’d probably say the same thing if I saw a live coyote seemingly laying down dynamite. Then just like that, I meep no more.

Are there any children dumb enough now to fall for free candy? Like, if I were a kid, I’d want toys and games and electronics. It’s called inflation. Fucking stupid kids and their lack of economic understanding. This is why you end up wetting yourself and crying for your mommy. Should have paid more attention in business school.

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I miss being in school. There were just so few responsibilities compared to today. All you basically had to do was learn a couple of simplistic things and hopefully not publicly piss, crap, or vomit on yourself. And then you get to run around and do reckless things (though I guess that’s not true nowadays since parents treat their kids as though they’re made of glass and confetti now) until you had to do homework and go to bed. Plus you got to feel up young girls, which was okay then but way less socially acceptable when I try to do it now. No matter how much free candy is involved.

The group of anxious parents crowded around District Attorney George Skumanick Jr. as he sat behind a table in a courtroom here and presented them with an ultimatum.

Photos of their semi-nude or scantily clad teenage daughters were stacked before him. Mr. Skumanick said the images had been discovered on cellphones confiscated at the local high school. They could either enlist their kids in an education program or have the teens face felony charges of child pornography. “We could have just arrested them but we didn’t,” said Mr. Skumanick in an interview.

Last month, the American Civil Liberties Union and a group of parents sued Mr. Skumanick in federal court in Scranton, Pa., alleging he violated the freedom-of-expression rights of three teenage girls. The ACLU also says that Mr. Skumanick is interfering with their parents’ rights to raise them as they see fit.

With the help of school officials, Mr. Skumanick convened a series of assemblies, from fifth-graders to seniors. For the youngest students, he asked them to conjure how they would feel if their grandparents saw a photo of them that is “not nice.” He warned the older students that sexting could damage their college or job prospects and could result in felony charges.

At one of the assemblies, a student interrupted and accused Mr. Skumanick of trying to ruin the teens’ lives. “This isn’t a debate,” Mr. Skumanick told the senior boy, who was escorted out of the auditorium.

Mr. Skumanick told them he could have simply charged the kids. Instead, he gave them two weeks to decide: take the class or face charges.

He then told the parents and teens to line up if they wanted to view the photos, which were printed out onto index cards. As the 17-year-old who took semi-nude self-portraits waited in line, she realized that Mr. Skumanick and other investigators had viewed the pictures. When the adults began to crowd around Mr. Skumanick, the 17-year-old worried they could see her photo and recalls she said, “I think the worst punishment is knowing that all you old guys saw me naked. I just think you guys are all just perverts.”

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My question: Is it worth it to these kids to get the brief attention from assholes like me to know that this video of you prancing around with your underdeveloped-sorority-girl boobs is going to be floating around the Internet pretty much forever? It’s not even like it’s David After the Dentist where the kid is so adorable and just drugged up, this kid is just looking like an ass and jiggling around. It’s embarrassing, man. No matter how badly, I want to motorboat you, nothing’s going to change that, kid.

What does this pic have to do with the story? Well, when you consider that other possible images involve “child” and “rape,” it’s probably not a good idea for me to post anything in a related Google search

Detective Randy Ritchason said the girl had some type of sexual contact with three other children – two boys and a girl -all under the age of 10. She was charged in Muskingum County Juvenile Court.

“I believe it’s the youngest perpetrator we’ve had,” Ritchason said. “We’ve had young teens before, but she is about the youngest I’ve ever dealt with.”

Rhonda Hinkle, a supervisor with Muskingum County Children’s Services, said the girl is a very rare case, but her office is continually seeing more and more children who are committing sex crimes, not just being victims.

“I think a lot of it has to do with society today,” Hinkle said. “We have so many blended families today, we have all the technology that children at young ages are allowed access to and we have entirely different sets of values and issues then ever before.”

“I think people need to understand the charge of rape means any type of penetration there is during the act, no matter how slight,” Ritchason said. “It doesn’t necessarily mean a suspect has someone tied down or beats them and then rapes them. A person under the age of 18 doesn’t have to be forced, either.”

So did she actually have sex with them? Penetrate them willingly with a Big Bird dildo? Who knows?

That doesn’t sound like a good thing for our freedoms. I mean, yeah, kids under a certain age shouldn’t be boning. It’s just bad for them and kind of creepy. But at the same time, she says ANY PERSON UNDER THE AGE OF 18 can be a victim of “rape,” even when they’re a willing participant. So if I were 16 and had sex with a 28 year-old woman by some grace of God and charity on her part, there’s a chance she’d end up tried for rape. Which is not okay. We should be offering this fictional woman tax credits and hugs for her contributions to teenage fantasies, not persecuting her.

Unrelated, any sex of an adult with an 11 year-old is still rape. No matter how many video games and glasses of wine mixed with Pepsi are exchanged or no matter how much she believes that her parents died in a tragic spelunking accident. The more you know.

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You may surprised to learn that this video was not created at the Junior Statesmen of America’s National conference. I’m sure these fine young ladies were just taking a break from researching old Supreme Court cases for their mock trial clubs before deciding to do an impromptu dance session. We’re in good hands America.

Ironically, the primary way one would get a stanky leg is by having one of these lovely young ladies rubbing up on your thigh at “da cluuuuub.” It’ll smell like your leg just took a trip to the Chicken of the Sea factory.

Teens who prefer popular songs with degrading sexual references are more likely to engage in intercourse or in pre-coital activities, U.S. researchers say.

Dr. Brian A. Primack of the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine says the study demonstrates that, among this sample of young adolescents, high exposure to lyrics describing degrading sex in popular music was independently associated with higher levels of sexual behavior. In fact, exposure to lyrics describing degrading sex was one of the strongest associations with sexual activity.

Surveys were completed by 711 ninth-grade students at three large U.S. urban high schools. The participants were exposed to more than 14 hours each week of lyrics describing degrading sex. About one-third said they had previously been sexually active.

The study, scheduled to be published in the April issue of the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, says those with the most exposure to the lyrics describing degrading sex were more than twice as likely to have had sexual intercourse, compared to those with the least exposure.

Wait so this is kind of vague. What constitutes “degrading sex”? Like, sex with fat chicks? Because I find that degrading. But if I hear lyrics about ejaculating on a woman’s face and then dancing around her, I wouldn’t find that degrading. That’s usually my mating call. Actually, that’s not true, I function more like Mig from Silence of the Lambs and throw handfuls of jizm across the room at supple young ladies. It hasn’t yielded any dividends yet but when it pays off, man, that girl is going to be a real trooper.

Anyway if you have a teenager, just tie them up and force them to listen to songs solely about holding hands and clothed grinding. Clothed grinding: Orgasm’s bronze medal.

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Six middle school students could face child porn charges after a boy took a nude photo of his 13-year-old girlfriend and “sexted” it to his pals’ cell phones, cops said.

The six boys, ages 12 to 14, will be summoned to Falmouth District Court for a hearing to determine whether they should be charged with possessing, exhibiting or distributing child porn in the form of a text message photo, according to The Cape Cod Times.

Columbia University Professor Sari Locker said surveys suggest one in five teens has sent or received nude or semi-nude pictures. “When boys receive a nude picture of a girl, they think the next time they see her they can go further with her in a sexual way than before,” she said. “It becomes an invitation to advance a sexual relationship.” But Locker said she believes criminal charges are excessive: “Clearly these boys are not sexual predators or pedophiles.”

I think it’s kind of horsecrap how the boys are always getting in trouble for this. What about the girl? She basically mindraped all these poor innocent young boys. They’re just victims in this crazy technologically advanced world.

I feel like I’ve covered this story way too much and it’s easy to continue to make the same cliched “GUY” joke about like how “WHY DIDN’T GIRLS DO SHIT LIKE THIS WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL AMIRITE” but I think the more applicable question is why don’t I know more high school girls who are doing this right now? I mean I’m more than capable of going down to the schools and introducing myself. But that’s the problem: my lack of ambition. And lack of a trenchcoat. Which really ties back into the ambition thing.

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Aisher Smyth might have expected a firm ticking-off for adjusting her school skirt to make it shorter.

But the 13-year-old was reduced to tears when her careers adviser said she was making herself ‘look like a slut’.

Aisher says she was stacking chairs in the school dining hall when Virginia Green told her to lengthen her skirt.

Mrs Green is then said to have made the ‘slut’ comment before adding that the short skirt was ‘not doing much for your cellulite’.

Last night, Aisher’s mother Amanda, 36, said: ‘I couldn’t believe that a teacher would use such foul and disgusting language to a pupil.

‘It’s the kind of thing that you might expect another pupil to say but teachers should know better. It’s tantamount to bullying.

‘Aisher has a birthmark on her thigh which I think Mrs Green must have mistaken for cellulite.’

I would hate to break it to Aisher’s mom but she’s not cute and she’s basically slutting at a 12th grade level, which isn’t ideal when you’re not cute and 13. When you look like this you should probably be wearing wacky hats and learning how to play clarinet or some crap. That’s the problem with kids these days, every girl thinks she can be a slut. But it’s not that easy girls. It takes an alarming amount of dedication, hard work, and God-given “talents” to be an effective slut. Teach your kids this early so they don’t embarrass themselves out there. Because honestly I’d rather f a giant vagina wearing a top hat than an unattractive girl who doesn’t know her limitations. The top hat makes it classy.

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A Naples man finds pornography on his 10-year-old’s brand new cell phone, and he wants to know how it got there.

“I usually use it to take pictures or call family,” Victor Delgado, 10, says.

Delgado got a nasty surprise on his 10th birthday.

“I thought it was disgusting,” he says.

A pornographic, multi-media message was sent straight to his new cell phone.

“It’s pornography at its best,” said Delgado. “It’s picture, movement, music. It’s basically like watching a TV clip.”

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Connecticut’s attorney general isn’t happy that a video game called “Frat Party Games: Beer Pong” was rated suitable for children as young as 13.

Richard Blumenthal said Monday that the Entertainment Software Rating Board made a mistake by clearing the game for young teens and he worries other games in the yet-to-be-released Frat Party Games line will also be approved for those same gamers.

“Beer Pong” was designed by Las Vegas-based JV Games Inc. as a downloadable game for Nintendo Co.’s popular Wii game system.

JV Games Vice President Jag Jaeger informed Blumenthal last month that the company is renaming the game “Pong Toss” and eliminating all references to alcohol.

The company’s Web site still promotes the game as “Beer Pong,” but that’s supposed to change soon.

“We stopped this game, but that is only a minor victory if it is followed by others,” said Blumenthal, who believes the game glorifies alcohol abuse and binge drinking.

I guess it’s kind of silly to promote drinking to minors but at the same time, calling something “Pong Toss” just sounds dumb, so I’m not sure whose side to take. Last summer, my godmother had told me about how my two little cousins (ages 8 and 10 respectively) saw one of their friend’s older brothers playing beer pong with friends. So they started playing it too. Not with beer, but with water. On the one hand, it’s awesome to think that my little cousins will be so well-trained with beer pong by the time they’re able to drink beer. On the other hand, it’s kind of disturbing that they’re well on the way to getting deep-dicked at a frat party. Possibly before they get a driver’s license. Sigh, kids these days. Always getting deep-dicked.