In other Kim Kardashian-related news, Tim Tebow scored another game-winner the other day by telling people that despite the fact that Kim has a sudden interest in doing bad things with him, he decided that probably wasn’t a good move.

“Kim has a big crush on Tim,” a friend confided. “She says he’s not only very handsome but seems like a guy with really strong values.”

But it’s more than just infatuation for Kim, 31. Even though she has her own money, pals claim she’s also seeing dollar signs in the 24-year-old hunk! The once red-hot reality star’s popularity has tanked recently, particularly after her sudden separation from pro basketball player Kris Humphries after just 72 days of marriage.

Since then, ratings for her flagship reality show, “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” are down 14 percent. The buxom brunette has also lost endorsement deals, and her paid public appearances, which have netted up to $600,000 apiece, are dropping off at a rapid pace.

“Kim needs to rehab her image to get her career revved up again,” explained another source. “Dating someone like Tim Tebow would certainly do the trick.”

But even her family is telling her not to hold her breath.

“Tim’s been made aware of Kim’s crush, and although flattered, he’s not interested,” said a source.

You have to admit, the guy is clutch.

Source: Enquirer, print edition, February 6, 2012

And here I was, thinking Kim Kardashian was such a natural beauty. Boy is my face red, and thick with flaky, silver-white patches called scales. Oh, wait, no, that’s her legs. My bad.

Yes the punchline of this post was just the definition of psoriasis. I’m not perfect.

Oh yes, the condo also has an extra bedroom, presumably for the numerous late-night sex romps of frequent visitor and big sis Kim Kardashian. She may not have a man right now, but give her a few months, and some athlete with an affinity for roomy hips will court the lovely lass.

All in all, the price tag for the condo isn’t much—$7500 a month. A mere pittance for a family who have profited greatly from the stupidity of American viewership.

The world seems overrun with worthless celebrities, blowhards and fame-whores with nothing to offer the world other than the sale of their own dignity for the enjoyment of slack-jawed yokels everywhere. Obviously, some of these fools need to go away. And fast. Of course, we can’t include every worthless celebrity on this list because then it would be roughly 968 names long and I’m pretty sure I would get a nosebleed or at the very least get the urge to run wild with a hatchet by the time I hit number 50 and nobody wants that. Note: this will be epically hate filled and will probably piss some people off, but what the hell, at the very least this should earn me an invitation to the next Playa Hater’s Ball and none of you should begrudge me that. Now, with all that said, let’s get on with it.

9 Paris Hilton
The only reason Paris Hilton isn’t higher on this list is because no one really seems to give a shit about her anymore, at least according to the ratings from her latest miserable reality show which show that her audience basically consists of a retarded squirrel and a ham sandwich by this point. Still, Paris will always deserve to be on this list because she is basically the Queen Mother of the vapid fame-whore movement. I mean, come on, she literally became famous for sucking a guy’s dick. Now while I can applaud that kind of dedication to good old fashioned whoredom, unfortunately it paved the way for a generation of talentless ambition freaks, soulless monsters with cash registers for brains and hearts made of greed, all flooding the airwaves in a tidal wave of dumb noise, spray tanned giant asses and naked stupidity. Paris Hilton started all that. She made being a dumb whore fashionable and for that, she needs to go away.

8 Nancy Grace
Nancy Grace is the parasitic beast wriggling on the ocean floor of popular culture, sucking up every monstrous and hate-able thing she can, feeding on it in order to earn ratings and invitations to stupid reality dance shows. She trades on the misery and despair of others, and the worst part is that she actually clothes herself in some self-righteous do-gooder persona, like she is some sort of avenging angel. Well, why is it then, that the only “downtrodden” and “hopeless” people she advocates for are all stereotypical Natalee Holloway types, photogenic white, middle-class types who make for a nice, tidy story on the cover of People magazine? Where are all the stories on behalf of the poor African–American kids who go missing? Where are the indignant pleas for justice on behalf of the those poor, ugly folks doomed to be forever ignored by the press because they’re not photogenic enough? Those are the people who could really use her help. But instead, Nancy Grace prefers to appeal to the dimwitted carnivores of pop-culture, those who eat that shit up like popcorn at a movie theater. And because of that, she really, really needs to shut up and she really, really needs to go away.

7 Ashton Kutcher
I was all set to include Charlie Sheen on this list, but really, he’s pretty much already gone away. So instead I figured I’d include his talentless replacement, a doofus who has become more famous for being Ashton Kutcher: male concubine, than for anything he’s done in a movie or television show. It’s not that Kutcher is all that obnoxious – okay, fine, he totally is – so much as he’s generally, well, worthless. What does he actually add to anything? Is there anybody out there who sees his name attached to a project and thinks “Oh, man, I’ve gotta see that!” He basically exists now to spew dumb shit on Twitter and make Demi Moore look bad, which let’s be honest, isn’t that hard to do, but come on, man. Maybe it’s time to go back to Iowa for a while, Ashton. Or just go anywhere that we don’t have to see you. But no matter where you choose to go, just make sure that, for now anyway, you just go away.

6 Betty White
Wait… what? I know, I know, this one will probably make a bunch of people mad if only because, if I have learned anything over the years, it’s that on the internet people will get mad about literally anything. But I also recognize that Betty White is beloved. And honestly, this isn’t a knock on her. She’s great. It’s just that, well, the poor old lady needs to go away for a while. She’s a human punch-line at this point, the 2011 version of the Where’s the Beef lady or the Macarena. She shuffles onto the stage or screen, says something vaguely shocking and everybody howls. Good. Great. But… enough already, you know?

5 Jon and Kate Gosselin
The good news is that these fools seem to be on the way out. The bad news, though, is that they basically cashed in the lives of their own children for fifteen minutes of tacky fame. Jon has become an Affliction wearing joke, a tabloid punching bag whose greatest accomplishment in life is that he gave Lindsay Lohan’s dad a soul mate. Kate, meanwhile, just comes across like the Wicked Witch of the West, a humorless harridan obsessed with keeping her talons firmly affixed around the throat of whatever notoriety she’s “earned” by pooping out a whole litter of children. And she does it all with that same “I just smelled something terrible” look on her face that Nancy Grace has. Tthese two are awful and they have very likely ruined their kid’s lives and doomed them all to a lifetime of therapy and for that, they can kindly go away.

4 Anyone on ‘Real Housewives of… [fill in the blank]‘
This is the world Paris Hilton built. This is the world we all let happen. And every time you see one of these plastic faces on your TV, leaking botox and shame all over the place, spewing inane bullshit and, well, just generally being completely awful in every conceivable way, you should be ashamed of yourself. I know I am.

3 Snooki
Honestly, I could include virtually the whole cast of Jersey Shore here but for the most part, those dudes and lady dudes (and in J-Woww’s case, that seems like it might actually be an appropriate term) seem like harmless goofballs. The biggest exceptions are, of course, The Situation and Snooki. The Situation, though, seems like he’s already been burnt out. His ridiculous candle has already been snuffed and no one seems like they even care about the poor fool anymore. But Snooki… well, Snooki just won’t go away and that’s a problem because out of all of these idiots, she’s the one who seems the most despicable, like she understands only all too well that she is just America’s clown and just keeps feeding the beast with one ridiculous thing after another. Which wouldn’t be too bad except she is so obviously transparent about it. She’s on the TV, she’s all over the net, she’s got her own fragrance (eau de whore?) she’s got some lame spin-off coming up and she’s even all over the New York Times best seller list. A part of me appreciates her hustle. Another bigger part of me just finds her annoying as hell, and that part of me wishes she would just do the right thing and go away.

2 Lindsay Lohan
Look, I don’t want to see that crackwhore who lives in a box down the street and who sounds like she has a smoker’s cough from hell and who would probably trade in one of her last few remaining teeth for a moment of drugged out bliss, do anything, so why in the hell would I want to watch the slow-motion train wreck that is Lindsay Lohan’s life? There aren’t too many differences, except for… what’s that? Lindsay Lohan still has huge boobs? Well, carry on then. No, but for real, there is absolutely nothing interesting or attractive about Lindsay Lohan anymore. We get it, she likes drugs and she’s ruining her life and her family is terrible and blah, blah, blah… enough. It just never changes. She’s not America’s Sweetheart. She’s America’s Trainwreck. People don’t even want to make fun of her anymore. That’s how old this shit has gotten. They just want her to go away.

1 Anyone With the Last Name Kardashian or Jenner
Oh God, these friggin’ people. I don’t even know where to begin. They’re awful, just awful. I suppose I could start with this: this whole ridiculous clan is famous because of two things – Kim was filmed getting reamed by some dude and the original Kardashian patriarch was one of the ghouls responsible for getting OJ off the hook. What a legacy! Naturally, people who come from such fine, upstanding stock have parlayed that into epic fame-whorishness. These people would sell anything and everything. Their dignity was the first to go and now everything else is on the table too. They are so awful that they have even dragged multiple sports stars with them down into the gutter. It’s terrible. Of course, the core of this insane circus are Kim and her worthless sisters. I mean, it’s bad enough that Kim is famous just because she let some dude film himself banging her but her sisters are famous because they are simply related to that someone. They don’t even have the fame cache of a celebrity sex tape! They’re just… there. Okay fine, Khloe had that stint as the copilot of the Millennium Falcon but that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. In this galaxy and in this time, they are just human avatars of greed and pointless fame and because of that, they all need to go very far away.

The Beauty Book is a hard cover coffee table book with images of your favorite celebrities, musicians and top models. All the monies raised, will go directly to Brain Cancer via two charities called SNOG & HEADRUSH. These charitable organizations are non- profit and both rely on donations for research.

I founded this project in February 2009 after I lost my dear friend, Natalie Sattler Esposito to brain cancer in September 2008, she was 35 years old. This is one friend’s life that was cut way to short, so I used all my Hollywood connections to give brain cancer a voice and The Beauty Book was born.

Among the women featured in this 312 page coffee table book are Hilary Duff, Jessica Alba, Ashley Greene, Leighton Meester, Hayden Panettiere, Eva Longoria, Scarlett Johansson, Lindsay Lohan, and Kim Kardashian (all seen here), plus Amy Adams, Dianna Agron, Moran Atais, Selma Blair, Julie Benz, Rachel Bilson, Emily Blunt, Kate Bosworth, Kristin Cavallari, Lily Cole, Miley Cyrus, Rosario Dawson, Brooklyn Decker, Jenna Dewan, Minnie Driver, Eliza Dushku, Carmen Electra, Kayla Ewell, Fergie, Beau Garrett, Rebecca Gayheart, Melissa George, Meagan Good, Delta Goodrem, Ashlan Gorse, Maggie Grace, Christina Hendricks, Rachel Hunter, Stacy Keibler, Miranda Kerr, Joanna Krupa, Demi Lovato, Rebecca Mader, Josie Moran, Carey Mulligan, Petra Nemcova, Nancy O’Dell, Anna Paquin, Frankie Rayder, Zoe Saldana, Denise Richards, Zoe Saldana, Nicole Scherzinger, Brittany Snow, Yvonne Strahovski, Jessica Szohr, Odette Yustman, and even more. Phew!

Honestly, I wondered if the way they were utterly destroyed by the cast of SNL might force them to actually take a step back and self-evaluate. I mean, how could it not? Boy, was I way off.

“Ha! I just saw the SNL skit they did and I could not stop laughing,” Khloe, 27, tweeted Sunday. “It’s SNL. They are supposed to make fun. It’s not who we are and I know that.”

Kourtney, 32, was so impressed with Wiig’s impression of Jenner that she “peed” herself. “It was classic,” she tweeted.

Echoed Khloe: “She was the best one!”

Their reaction doesn’t shock me. What shocks me is that it wasn’t a well thought out, elaborately planned public relations response, but it was truly these women’s reactions at the very moments the TV show aired. In other words, they 100% truly have zero clue whatsoever how ridiculously they are perceived by the rest of the world. I guess that really shouldn’t shock me either.

What Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian Thought of Saturday Night Live Sketch [Us]

Doing exactly what they were supposed to do and doing it well, the folks over at Saturday Night Live took the opportunity this weekend to righteously and hilariously make fun of Kim Kardashian, her family, and her divorce from Kris Humphries.

After the Kardashians made such a spectacle over Kim getting married and treating the wedding as if Kim was the Princess of America, Nasim Pedrad, Kristen Wiig, and Andy Samberg absolutely killed the Kardashians for Kim filing for divorce after only 72 days. Nasim was dead-on as Kim, Kristen is what Kris Jenner wishes she looked like, and Andy Samberg as Kris Humphries was priceless. Perhaps the best, most dead-on line of the skit was delivered by Nasim when she said as Kim, “Things are looking up for me; I’m single and there’s an NBA lockout!”

So do you suppose there is any chance that the Kardashian clan watched this skit over the weekend and finally had the epiphany that this really is how people view them and that no amount of money can make that okay? Doubtful.

First off, Kim’s mom Kris is now claiming that Kim didn’t make a dime off her marriage, which, of course, everyone with a functioning brain thinks is a complete lie.

Kris Jenner appeared on “Today” this morning … and said, “It saddens me to think that one of the rumors is that we’ve sold the television rights for millions of dollars, not true. We profited or she profited – absolutely false.”

Jenner’s statement follows a stern blog post from Kim — in which she also stated, “There are also reports that I made millions of dollars off of the wedding. These reports are simply not true and it makes me so sad to have to even clarify this.”

Kim’s lockstep in this notion as she appeared on a Australian TV show yesterday, since that’s what we all do the day we file for divorce, right?

One problem I see with their logic: If companies paid for the wedding, even if they only paid $1 million of her reported $10 million wedding, that’s what’s known as profiting. But hey, logic can be a real bitch when you’re trying to spin your way out of the media gunfire.

It’s also being reported that Kris Jenner made sure that Kim filed her divorce papers on Monday to make sure that the weekly magazines would be able to get it into their publications.

An insider also told The Hollywood Reporter that Jenner — who serves as the family’s business manager — made sure that Kardashian and Humphries’ divorce was announced on Monday in time for coverage in the weekly magazines, which go to deadline that day.

The Kardashians unleashed multiple statements to the media Monday (making sure to first give them to E! News, which airs their reality show, and thus pays their bills), before the ink was dry on the divorce filing.

Now I’m not sure which mom is the worst mom in Hollywood. Before I’d have said it was Dina Lohan’s title unchallenged, but Kris Jenner is really making a strong case for herself.

“People just have to stop judging,” said Jenner on the Today Show. Ha. Good one.

See Sad Kim Kardashian’s First Post-Split Interview [Us]
Kardashian Family — We Didn’t Make a Cent Off the Wedding [TMZ]
Kris Jenner to Discuss Kim Kardashian’s Divorce on ‘Today’ Show [Hollywood Reporter]

Let’s take a look back at what happened in the world during that volatile 72-day stretch.

8 days – Beyoncé Knowles announces pregnancy

Pop star Beyoncé Knowles reveals she’s pregnant during the MTV VMAs on August 28th as she rubs her baby bump at the end of her performance.

Occupy Wallstreet has its inaugural protest on September 17th to much fanfare. According to their website, it is a “leaderless resistance movement with people of many colors, genders and political persuasions. The one thing we all have in common is that We Are The 99% that will no longer tolerate the greed and corruption of the 1%.”

On Oct. 5th, the world said goodbye to perhaps its greatest modern day innovator, Apple founder Steve Jobs.

The dishonorable Colonel Muammar Gaddafi passes away on October 20th at the hands of a Yankees fan who, undoubtedly, had no idea how to spell the dictator’s name.

In a rather stunning announcement on October 21st, President Barack Obama confirms that all U.S. troops will be out of Iraq before the end of the calendar year, thus ending the conflict more than eight year later.

Perhaps the greatest quarterback to ever take the field leads a “miraculous” comeback against the mighty Miami Dolphins on October 23rd and runs the Denver Broncos record to a respectable 2-4.

Although, it’s only an estimate from the United Nations, it appears world population crossed 7 billion people sometime today. Fitting that the couple that should never procreate call it quits on the same day.

Where were you when you heard the news?

Kardashian will file for divorce this morning, after 72 days of not-so-wedded bliss to Kris Humphries … TMZ has learned.

We’re told even though the marriage was short, she will not seek an annulment. It’s a garden variety divorce, in which Kim cites “irreconcilable differences.”

We’re told the date of separation is listed as today, Oct. 31, 2011.

Of course, she made Kris sign a prenup agreement; to make sure he got his cut of the take from this whole sham, one would assume.

The best quote so far? “On some levels,” says a friend, “she feels like she made a mistake.”

*slowly lowers gun from side of temple*

Can everyone please now join me in hating this woman? And if there were any of you that for even a second thought that this marriage (and the stupid wedding) were real in the first place there are some people who would like to speak with you.

Kim Kardashian to File for Divorce Against Kris Humphries [TMZ]
Kim Kardashian to File for Divorce from Kris Humphries [Us]

Hot...

Halloween is officially today, but with it falling on a Monday many sexy female celebrities already got their costume on for some party time. The highlights so far have to be Kate Upton as a bottle of Tabasco and Heidi Klum just freaking the f*ck out of us. I’m sure there will be much more to report tomorrow, that’s why I am calling this “volume one.” So far the costumes as a whole have been a bit disappointing, but maybe they’ll really bring out the big guns later today.

In order below: Coco and Ice-T, Kim Kardashian, Heidi Klum, AnnaLynne McCord, Rose McGowan, Melissa Rycroft, Kate Upton, Jayde Nicole, JWoww, Petra Ecclestone, and AJ and Aly Michalka, and Cameron Diaz in a badass Joker mask..

I put the word “bought” in quotes because there is no way this fame-whore paid full price for this thing. Especially not since, you know, photographers just happened to be there when she drove it off the lot. I guarantee this car dealership (which I shall not name!) either gave the former adult film star a massive discount or leased it to her for free just so idiots like me would put it on their Web site. She’d drive a Rascal down Rodeo Drive if someone paid her enough money.

I know… I’m part of the problem. I’m so sorry. Here’s some pictures of Kim dressed as Slave Leia for Kanye West which is à propos of nothing other than proving my earlier point…

Kim Kardashian Buys $325,000 Ferrari [Us]

Kim Kardashians and Kris Humphries gave their first interview as a married couple on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Not surprisingly, it wasn’t entertaining, much like Leno himself. Although, admittedly, he made me chuckle when he joked about Kim’s gigantic butt (video below).

Here are some of the highlights/lowlights:

-Jay Leno was invited to the wedding–presumably because they are such close, personal friends.

-Kris said, at first, he wasn’t interested in Kim due to not knowing much about her and then there was an uncomfortable pause….insert sex tape joke here.

-Kim won Kris over because she was “nice” and “down to earth”. Yep, when I see Kim, that’s the first thing I think of, she’s down to earth and so much like the rest of us. She followed that up later by saying she wore three wedding dresses.

-After the two shared a staged kiss, Kris wiped his lips on his sleeve. Apparently, he doesn’t want Reggie Bush’s cooties.

-Kim gets mad when Kris barks like a dog at his friends. She’d rather he keep his barking to the bedroom when she’s on all fours.

-Kim assured Jay Leno she wasn’t pregnant and won’t be for quite some time. I know it’s a bit early for Christmas carols, but, “Joy to the world”.

It seemed fitting to save a German beer for last, but little did I know that Ayinger Oktoberfest would also be my favorite. The brew and I got off to a bad start when it initially appeared as though I had lost all pouring skills. These aren’t solo cups at a keg party folks; there is a certain technique to properly pouring a beer. As it turned out, the Ayinger just so happens to have a significantly larger amount of head than any of the other fest beers this week. While my picture may not do the color justice, that is an accurate depiction of the amount of foam produced. You can see why I may have questioned my skills.

Ayinger pours a fantastic gold color to match the many medals it has won. It has a very deep aroma so if you are big on taste via smell, you’ll like this one. It’s the most full bodied of the bunch and the rich flavor was a welcome change of pace. It’s also the first time the word “dry” came to mind this week. It’s slightly sweeter, much like the Great Lakes and has a significant amount of carbonation, but not to the turn-off point of the Hofbräu München. It’s well balanced enough that I have no qualms with it. In fact, I can’t really think of a single downside to this beer other than that it’s seasonal.

ABV: 5.6%, IBU: 21, Colin’s proprietorially arbitrary session scale: 16/24.

One thing to take note of is that Oktoberfest beers have a very short run in the stores. When I returned to my preferred proprietor on Friday, he was already out of the Bell’s and the Great Lakes for the year. Be sure to pick a few bottles up sooner than later so that you don’t miss the boat entirely. I tried some additional options at an Oktoberfest tap-takeover on Friday, so I can say that Harpoon, Two Brothers, Victory, and 3 Floyds all have suitable replacements.

Abbey Clancy’s topless pictures are nicked
“She is determined to find out what has gone on and make sure the person responsible is dealt with appropriately.”

Eva Longoria, Tina Fey Named Highest-Paid Actresses on TV
“Marcia Cross ranked third on Forbes’ list, raking in $10 million, while Felicity Huffman and Teri Hatcher landed in a fifth-place tie…”

Holly Madison Insures Her Breasts for $1 Million
“They’re my primary money makers right now.”

Scarlett Johansson Feels Violated After Nude Photo Leak
“Just because you’re an actor or make films or whatever doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your own personal privacy…”

George Clooney — Elisabetta’s Angry Text Message Report is a Lie
“I never comment on my personal life unless it affects others…and this lie affects others.”

Ashton Kutcher Gets Heat From CBS, Dodges Affair Rumors
“…he allegedly promoted Foursquare, Flipboard, Hipmunk, GroupMe and Chegg on Monday’s episode, using stickers with those companies’ names on his character Walden Schmidt’s laptop.”

Ashton Kutcher on Cheating Rumors: “Don’t Believe the Hype”
“Moore, meanwhile, has yet to address rumors of an impending split on Twitter…”

Kim Kardashian Faces African-American Critic on H8R
“You didn’t hear about [going to] New Orleans, or building the homes or meeting this family…”

Heidi and Spencer — We’re Not Broke!
“…Spencer insists the lawyer was paid IN FULL.”

Sharon Stone Gets Restraining Order
“…Phillip Barnes went to Stone’s house twice, uninvited, claiming he was the father of one of Sharon’s kids.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
A hilarious “It’s the ’90s” Supercut from EverythingIsTerrible.com.

Justin Bieber Rents Staples Center For Date With Selena Gomez
“According to reports, Bieber got the venue for free as a thank-you from the bosses at Staples for his string of three previous sell-outs there.”

Nancy Grace Has Nip Slip on Dancing with the Stars
“It was a bit top-heavy at times, my darling. And I got an eyeful! I couldn’t miss that. But it really is great to see you taking over the dance floor and performing.”

Michael Jackson’s Kids Prince & Paris Want To Testify in Manslaughter Trial
“…Prince Michael and Paris have said they want to tell the jury what they saw on the day their father died.”

Lady Gaga Shells Out $35,800 to Attend Obama Fundraiser
“Of course, the 25-year-old pop superstar made a grand entrance…”

Britney Spears Under Fire For Carrying Gun in “Criminal” Video
“I think she should apologize and make a sizeable donation to a Hackney charity that deals with young people, in compensation for the rudeness and damage that she’s done to our community.”

Kat Von D, Jesse James Break Up Again
“I apologize for all the “back and forth” if it’s caused any confusion.”

Charlie Sheen Makes Surprise Appearance with Dad & Brothers
“…he was reunited with his father Martin and brother Emilio Estevez at the premiere of Emilio’s new film, The Way.”

Lauryn Hill Sued — Fashion Consultant Alleges Heist
“…according to the lawsuit, Hill hung on to the clothes for three months, paying only a fraction of what she owed…”

Spencer Pratt is Broke, Can’t Get Work
“…Heidi Montag’s hubby, 28, still owes his agency ‘hundreds of thousands of dollars in commissions’ from the millions he and Montag, 25, earned during their run on the MTV reality series.”

Kim Kardashian Won’t Wear Her Engagement Ring to the Gym
“I see women coming to the gym with earrings on. I can’t do it.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
An interview with Rachel Weisz, who plays Libby in the movie Dream House.

Teen Bride Courtney Stodden Talks Wedding Night: “I Was Aroused for 24 Hours Straight” (Video)
“We went to the Chateau in Hollywood it was so beautiful it was a wonderful experience.”

Minka Kelly: I Turned Down Free Plastic Surgery
“She said that she could get me a job at this doctor’s office in return for plastic surgery which I would need to be a Playboy Playmate.”

Kim Kardashian — Sex Tape Deal Goes Limp
“We were offered $20 million for the Kim tape but have decided that we are going to hang on to it … for now.”

Jennifer Aniston Spends $450,000 on Painting
“Jennifer Aniston was the winning buyer at Christie’s glitzy ‘Artists for Haiti’ auction in NYC…”

Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins Split 1 Week Before Abduction Premiere
“At the Abduction party, it was awkward. They barely said a word to one another.”

Kim Delaney Escorted Off Stage After Incoherent Speech in Philadelphia (Video)
“The actress, 49, fidgeted at the podium as she told crowd members how she ‘served in active military duty family for five years’”.

Bristol Palin Faces Off with Angry Bar Patron; Calls Him “a Homosexual” (Video)
“Is it because you’re a homosexual and that’s why you hate her?”

Levi Johnston Claims Sarah Palin Had a “Cougar Crush” on Him
“Even growing up my friends would always say that [Palin would flirt with me], it seems kind of weird.”

Sarah Palin Offered $1 Million to Take Lie Detector Test
“…adult website AshleyMadison.com has offered the Palins $1 million to prove their innocence.”

Alex Rodriguez on Split with Cameron Diaz: “We’ll Always Be Friends”
“I have a lot of love for Cameron.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
The new red band trailer for the upcoming movie The Thing.

Minka Kelly Explodes After Getting Groped on Charlie’s Angels Set
“The staffer came up behind the 31-year-old actress and slapped her across the rear end while holding a $100 bill in his hand…”

Jen Aniston’s Team “Went Ballistic” After Brad Pitt Insult
“She thought it was rude and inappropriate.”

Robert Pattinson is Recording an Album
“The album Rob will make will be guitar-based and drums, very organic-sounding, nothing pop…”

Kardashian Sisters Slam Elisabetta Canalis’ Dancing With the Stars Performance
“Shows are rigged all the time.”

Brad Pitt: Angelina & I Not Marrying Until Gays Can
“The kids are putting on the heat. They really are. They are putting on the heat.”

Mel Gibson Accused of Pastry Meltdown
Mel Gibson allegedly tried to run over a man outside a Costa Rican bakery…”

Cheryl Cole Launches Shoe Collection
“Cole’s limited-edition footwear collection is due to hit stores in December…”

Levi Johnston Tells Dr. Phil Bristol Palin Lied About How She Lost Virginity
“Obviously she’s not using the date rape thing, but it’s horrifying for someone you date for four years to say that.”

Rosie O’Donnell Has a New Girlfriend
“They are adorable together and are very, very happy.”

Gayle King Sued by Matchmatcher for Not Delivering Oprah
“Orly alleges she spent hundreds of hours hooking Gayle up with 5 men — all fabulous.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes of a sexy photo shoot with singer Shvona Lavette.

Kim Kardashian’s Sisters Hate Kris Humphries
“Kris is getting famous for marrying a Kardashian.”

Kim K — Calling the Shots for New Pussycat Dolls Show
“…she’ll be running things BEHIND THE SCENES — as the executive producer of a new PCD reality show…”

Mary-Kate Olsen, Dakota Fanning Diss Lindsay Lohan at Fashion Week
“At two separate bashes, Mary-Kate Olsen and Dakota Fanning took serious measures to keep their distance…”

Charlie Sheen: “I Would Have Fired My Ass Too”
“It was bad and I own my part in that, and I just want to make everything right.”

Charlie Sheen: I’d RETURN to Men … If They’d Have Me Back
“If they thought it was a good idea … I’m completely on board for that.”

Brad Pitt: “I Wasn’t Living an Interesting Life” While Married to Jennifer Aniston
“”It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself.”

Brad Pitt: Jennifer Aniston Comments Misinterpreted, She “Remains My Friend”
“The point I was trying to make is not that Jen was dull, but that I was becoming dull to myself…”

Jennifer Aniston — Photog Swarm is Crippling Neighborhood
“…the paps have been stirring up constant mayhem for weeks — creating traffic problems, blocking driveways, and even causing a few minor car accidents…”

Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis Explain Hacking Scandal Photos
“At no time did Mr. Timberlake and Ms. Kunis exchange inappropriate texts or emails. … The insistence that there is any inappropriate correspondence between the two parties is entirely false.”

Gerard Butler Explains His Drastic Weight Loss
“I’m prepping for a surf movie.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Oliva Munn’s photo shoot for the latest issue of Shape magazine.

Leila Lopes of Angola Wins Miss Universe
“I consider myself a woman endowed with inner beauty. I have acquired many wonderful principles from my family and I intend to follow these for the rest of my life.”

Jennifer Lopez, Bradley Cooper Go on Romantic Dinner Date
“Both sexy stars are coming off big-time breakups.”

Charlie Sheen Lands New Movie Role
“…Sheen is set to star with Jason Schwartzman in the indie film A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charlie Swan III.”

Justin Bieber: My Teachers Were Mean To Me
“I wasn’t a bad kid, I just talked a lot in class.”

The X Factor Scores Big with Rihanna
“RiRi loved doing the U.K. finale last year, and the feeling from Simon was obviously mutual.”

Angelina Jolie Handcuffs Purse to Wrist in Toronto
“Angelina Jolie carried a unique fashion accessory to Brad Pitt’s Moneyball premiere…”

Kim, Khloe Kardashian Deal With “Friction” Over Pregnancy Race
“If Kim were to get pregnant first, that would cause tension, because it would highlight Khloe’s struggle.”

Reese Witherspoon Accident — Driver Feels “Awful,” Staying Off the Road
“…the woman thinks the Santa Monica corner is especially dangerous because there’s a large tree blocking sight lines for drivers.”

Salma Hayek’s Husband Speaks Out About Child-Support Case
“Salma Hayek’s husband has broken his silence in the big-money child support dispute over his child with supermodel Linda Evangelista.”

Erin Andrews’ Advice to New DWTS Cast
“There’s a day that you’re going to practice and your body hurts and you’re so tired you can’t even think about performing another dance, but when it’s over, you miss it a lot.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Lady Gaga’s first fashion film, featuring her song “You and I”.