Well, not until now.

The International Trade Commission has ruled that HTC smartphones infringe on one of Apple’s patents. Which one? This shows you how stupid patent law is: you know how, if you get sent an email, phone number or website in a text message, a smartphone will immediately turn it into a link that you can just click on?

Yes, that was the patent violated. For the terrible crime of providing links in text messages, HTC will not be allowed to import any new phones, although they won’t be required to pull any phones off the shelves, either. They’ll also, of course, be upgrading their phones to avoid infringing on Apple’s patent, which means pretty much you can thank Apple for your phone being less useful.

Why is Apple doing this? Two reasons. First of all, they’re evil and they want to totally control the smartphone market. This isn’t news: everybody making cellphones or offering cellphone service is pretty much Satan in a business suit, or they’re really, really annoying (CREDO Mobile, for example). The second is that Steve Jobs firmly believed that Android just ripped off everything about the iPhone, wholesale, and he wanted it destroyed. So they’re just respecting his wishes.

Still, don’t expect Apple to eradicate Android. There are some things you just can’t litigate out of existence, and Apple, if it’s not careful, could find itself on the losing end of a few lawsuits.

Apple Wins Ruling Ban [Bloomberg]

The lawsuit filed says:

Our client had categorically informed each of you that by doing photo shoot, she does not want to pose nude in any photographs, which you readily agreed. You further assured our client that upon taking photographs, you would show the same to our client and that only on our client’s approval, would you publish the said photographs in the said magazine.

According to the lawsuit, not only did the magazine not offer approvals, they tampered with images to misrepresent Malik.

The editor of FHM India, Kabeer Sharma, claims the photos from the shoot are authentic and that there is video proving such. However, they claim they won’t make that video public “because of the nature of the video.”

Who to believe…hot girl who’s at least half naked for the world’s enjoyment or shady Indian guy who claims to have video that clears his magazine of any wrongdoing but won’t share it with anyone like he’s Joseph Smith with golden plates? The civil court judge will be ruling on this one like he’s the Flash.

Naked rage at a body politic [NY Post]

Pressil claims his unnamed ex, a former exotic dancer with the shockingly-cliché stage name of “Sugar,” stole condoms from the trash immediately after sex, emptied them into a cup, and brought them to the fertility clinic in an effort to get pregnant for child support.

Pressil has been paying “Sugar” $800 a month in child support for two twins whom Pressil claims was conceived as part of his ex’s sinister plot.

The clinic claims that there are forms signed by Pressil indicating his approvals for his part in the process. An attorney for the clinic told Click2Houston that the claims in Pressil’s lawsuit are “suspect” and “disingenuous.”

There are some red flags about Pressil’s suit, namely that the then-girlfriend was a domestic partner on Pressil’s insurance during the time of her fertilization process. Pressil claims he thought she was infertile due to a medical condition involving fibroids and that was what the insurance charges were for.

The ex-girlfriend’s lawyer said his client denies ever taking sperm without Pressil’s knowledge, writing off the lawsuit as an attempt to get out of child support.

While I’m sure most men would love to believe that their sperm is so precious that women would go through this thorough and far-fetched process for it, there are some logistical questions raised. But whether this happened or not, isn’t this all a lot to go through for $800 in child support a month? Like if she’s stealing condoms and squeezing them out like a Carvel’s employee writing on a cake, is it worth that effort for a mere 800 bucks? And if he’s lying and was aware of this, is it worth this whole story about Ocean’s Eleven-esque sperm thievery worth the time and effort involved for the same cost?

Then again, in a world where people are rioting over a slightly discounted waffle iron, I suppose all semen-related bets are off.

Dad: Twins came from stolen sperm [Click2Houston via Jezebel]

One St. Petersburg area homeless man spoke to a local CBS affiliate claiming that he was paid $50 for services rendered. Those services? “[They p]ut me up in a tree and [a hot girl] whipped me with a whip…they kicked the crap out of me.”

The site claims to offer “semi-competitive and competitive wrestling, MMA, and kickboxing sessions [captured on video], as well as beatdowns (which we really love!)”.

A judge ordered the SheFights Web site manager, Jeffrey Williams, not to take down SheFights or alter the videos in any way so that the evidence could be preserved for trial.

Williams told CBS affiliate WTSP that he will be vindicated in any trial.

On the one hand, I can’t exactly condone pulling a real life version of “American Psycho” on the homeless, only with hot chicks in the place of Patrick Bateman with an Internet audience of some sketchy dudes masturbating creepily all the way. But on the other hand, if they paid the homeless guys, had them sign a waiver, and they agreed, is there anything legally wrong with that? Just because some people like really sick things and there are people in a crappy enough situation to take part doesn’t mean that it needs to no longer exist.

If anything, I’m much less perturbed by this real life pseudo-S&M than I am by stuff like a crush fetish, which consists of people into watching attractive women crush things ranging from fruit to small animals. Last I checked, a hamster never agreed to those videos because he refused to go to rehab for his crippling addictions. Lemmiwinks>Bad decision-making hobos.

Homeless were paid $50 to be beaten by women for fetish video, says lawsuit [CBS News]

The complaint alleges that managers would sometimes slap male employees with one male employee also claiming that he was repeatedly aggressively grabbed in the crotch by his supervisors.

The conflicts stem from the Korean company’s belief that it hired unskilled laborers and then trained them up to work on the railcar production.

When defending his company from these allegations, Jun-Yeon Jeong, manager of the project for Hyundai-Rotem, told Philly.com, “Everybody is doing well, regardless of race or gender. From my observations, that is not a problem.”

As for the crotch grabs? Jeong told Philly.com that he believed the crotch-grabbing problems were “a difference of way of expression [in their cultures], maybe.”

I think regardless of your creed or national upbringing, a crotch grab is a crotch grab. Sure, it may be a little more festive if it’s in Brazil or more workmanlike in the days of Soviet Russia, but there’s no mistaking that squeezing another man’s genitals is typically an act to be universally received. Unless there’s a wink attached. Railcars or no railcars, that’s the universal sign for, “It’s on.”

Problems persist at South Philadelphia railcar plant [Philly.com via Fark]

The reason? During a global trip that took her to cafes across Europe and the Guinness brewery in Ireland, Payne took a picture of herself with a glass of wine and another of Guinness and posted it to her Facebook profile. The principal also cited a weekly bar trivia contest Payne went to that uses the word “bitch”.

A parent complained to the school about Payne’s profile — despite the fact that Payne thought she had set her privacy settings in a way that would allow her friends to see her page. Payne ended up resigning.

Now she’s suing to get her job back or, at the very least, clear her name from a somewhat disgraceful exit.

There’s a whole lot more on the story, and the trend of your information not being as private as you think, on CBS’s site.

It just seems odd to me that you could get fired for being a legal adult enjoying alcohol with a camera nearby. There are many worse things for a woman to be seen double fisting on the Internet than alcohol, believe me. I’d be way more concerned if I saw a teacher at my kids’ school posting a photo on Facebook of himself enjoying a Capri Sun and an episode of “Dora the Explorer”. Odds are the Facebook album of a windowless van called “The Memory Repressor” isn’t more than a few clicks away.

Did the Internet Kill Privacy? [CBS News]

But in October 2009, Mansi allegedly gave her a sex toy as a present and told her that he “usually get[s] a cake for [his] employees.”

When Olveira responded with indignation and throwing the bag int he garbage, Mansi allegedly told her, “Come on, girl. You don’t know how to enjoy your life.”

Mansi told the Daily News that the lawsuit is nothing more than an attempt at blackmail.

And here I was thinking that giving a dildo would be a perfect gift for all the women in my life. Girlfriend, friends, grandma. But now I know…women just aren’t appreciative when you give them a random object to insert in any of their orifices, no matter how many times you try to sleep with them or insert paychecks into their rear pockets. Live and learn, I say.

Birthday suit: Gal miffed over vibrator gift

There seems to be certain ambiguities in the ad…for example, USDA inspected beef only has to have a certain percentage of beef, so there’s already some dilution there. And then they’re taking 88% of that USDA inspected beef and diluting it further. Is it only 35% beef like the lawsuit is claiming? Doubtful. But it’s not exactly like biting into the flesh of a live cow either.

Either way, some analysts are speculating that the results could be “humongously detrimental” to the Taco Bell brand. I find that hard to believe. Despite all of its efforts to advertise some of its “healthier” options, it’s still always going to be perceived as Taco Bell..the overly processed bit of deliciousness it’s always been. Should you eat Taco Bell every day? Probably not. Is it surprisingly not terrible for you, as long as you’re eating a reasonable amount and not one of those “OMG NOTHING PROCESSED” types? Yes, Taco Bell is perfectly acceptable…infinitely moreso than some of the dive-y Mexican places you’ll find across the country.

Case closed. For this defense of their brand, I recommend Taco Bell send me a coupon for 100 free tacos and a vat of fire sauce, please.

Taco Bell fights back on beef lawsuit with ad push [AP]

Blackman says that the following morning, he called the company to demand his money back, claiming the lady didn’t stay for the promised hour and a half. After being met with a chilly response from the company, he contacted police who told him the act was illegal and threatened him with arrest.

Blackman told the Las Vegas Sun that it was the escort who solicited the act and that he was too drunk to make an informed decision at the time.

He also said that he now needs medical treatment for a “mental condition” stemming from the incident.

I don’t get the whole “publicly complaining about a hooker” thing. Especially if you got off. I’m sure there are many men that get taken advantage of by escorts or prostitutes but don’t say a word. And that’s the right course of action. You’re paying to drop a little baby batter on a strange person…whatever happens to you as you get to that point is just part of the accepted risk.

Plus, $120 for a sex act in your hotel room in Vegas? It seems like the only crime committed here is a crime of savings.

Las Vegas tourist sues for refund after sex act led to ‘tragic’ arrest threat [Las Vegas Sun]

“Not one witness who testified said they SAW Ms. Mauro in any state of undress or committing a sexual act,” lawyer Michael Valentine told the Daily News. “Nobody saw anything.”

Mauro’s wrongful termination suit claims that Brito wasn’t feeling well, so she was tending to her by giving her “candy and sugar”.

Administrators’ reports claim that Brito was topless and on her back while a partially undressed Mauro kneeled between her legs, a strange way for one to administer candy if I’ve ever heard one.

Then again, if anyone knows a little bit about health, it’s a French teacher at a mediocre city high school. Maybe she just was inserting a candy cane directly into Brito’s cooch to make sure it hit her bloodstream immediately. That sugar, man. It’ll get you every time.

Both teachers embroiled in lesbian allegations at James Madison H.S. have suits against city [NY Daily News]

I really can't apologize enough for having to post this photo.

Bassi was fired shortly thereafter, at age 56, without cause.

Bassi, now 60, settled with the Houston-area club for the $60,000 figure after the club believed it was in violation of Equal Employment Opportunity Commission bylaws. Bassi’s attorney said she was fired without any disciplinary warnings or action on her record.

Bassi is currently working in another gentlemen’s club without any reported problems.

While it’s not ideal to discriminate against people for any reason (and I’d be silly to encourage that, even in jest, on Martin Luther King Day), I’m not sure that a woman pushing 60 is something I’d want to see at my local strip club. The last thing I need when I’m paying a strange woman to grind her genitals onto my zipper in a misguided attempt for sexual satisfaction is for some haggardly old woman to prattle on about how beautiful her grandchildren are or the latest happenings in the current airing cycle of “The Lawrence Welk Show”. That’s a boner killer, no matter how spectacularly he plays the accordion.

Strip Club Worker Mary Bassi Claims She Was Fired for Being Too Old [ABC News]
60-Year-Old Strip Club Waitress Wins Age Discrimination Settlement [Jezebel]

Tyra Banks was an enthusiastic, albeit slightly overwhelmed, TSA agent during her brief stint working for the agency.

Durso told a local news affiliate the TSA agent “heavily concentrated on my breast area where I told her I ‘d had a mastectomy the year previous and it just seemed to go on and on.”

Durso also claims that the vigorous groping was extremely painful due to the mastectomy, making it a bad situation all around.

When her 17-year-old son complained that he was put through the scanner and hadn’t received the same treatment, an official allegedly told him, “Well, you don’t have boobs.”

Durso is part of a civil suit along with other aggrieved TSA victims. They’re seeking an unspecified amount in damages.

I can certainly see how this looks bad for the TSA. The gropings and shady dealings around the full-body scanners all seem to be a bit over the boundaries of what’s needed to prevent terrorism or other crimes. And the “Well, you don’t have boobs” comment is probably referring to the fact that a woman might be able to hide something there, but still, that sure sounds bad when you just see a headline.

Then again, if they were doing anything breast gropingly creepy, would you really go for a lady who had a mastectomy? That’s like going to rob a White Castle but taking only buns and ketchup.

Carlsbad woman joins civil suit against TSA search procedures [Sign On San Diego]

However, when Ireland got a dance from a stripper named “Suki” [ED. NOTE: Call me crazy, but I think this young lady may be using a pseudonym], he claims he was kicked in the eye by one of her high heels.

Ireland sustained a punctured eye socket and broken bones around his eye and nose as a result of the reckless stripping. His lawyer claims that Ireland now has permanent double vision.

The strip club decided to settle the suit out of fear of paying more in damages if the case went to trial.

I know it’s fun to act like, “Heh I bet he still had a good time though” or say that this guy shouldn’t have gotten as much money because it’s funny that this happened to a man at a strip club. But to get an injury that serious does not sound like fun. I’m sure most of you reading this have been to a crappy strip club before, so imagine this scenario: You go to a terrible strip club. After twenty minutes, you decide that the club is a complete abomination and want to get out of there. Your friends don’t want to go, so you acquiesce and end up getting a lap dance from a girl who looks vaguely like a transvestite. Then she starts giving you a clumsy dance culminating in her smacking you in the face with her whore heels, resulting in serious eye damage. Does that not sound like the worst experience ever? Poor Mr. Ireland should have been awarded cuddles and mindbending drugs in addition to all the money he got and then some.

Man Gets $650,000 After Eye Injury During Lap Dance [NBC Miami]

A homeowner has filed suit against a Central Pennsylvania town for making him remove the word crap from two protest signs he posted in mid July.

They read: “$10,000 TO TAKE A CRAP.”

David Kliss of East Hanover Township displayed them because he was upset that a mandated sewer tie-in would cost him thousands of dollars, according to the suit, filed with the U.S. District Court in Scranton.

About a week later, the township’s code-enforcement agency notified Kliss, who lives at 436 Pheasant Rd., that he was violating a zoning ordinance that “No Loud, Vulgar, Indecent or Obscene Advertising matter shall be displayed in any manner.”

Besides, the word crap just isn’t that offensive, said Kliss’ Kennett Square attorney, Aaron Martin.

“In my brief, I used an episode of Seinfeld from 1993, in which the word crap was used four times in 15 seconds, to demonstrate that our society does not view that word as unspeakable,” he said.

Suit defends ‘$10,000 to take a crap’ signs [Philly.com]

Delgado is now suing the hospital for $1 million dollars. Weirder, the suit is not claiming medical malpractice, but rather assault and battery. Delgado and her lawyer claim her baby now has a “deformity.”

The lawyer told ABC News:

“This is not medical malpractice,” said her lawyer, Spencer Aronfeld. “We are suing for battery, an unauthorized assault on this baby. They took a knife to him without his parent’s permission.”

“The baby was in neonatal intensive care with complications from a birth-related infection,” said her lawyer. “They took the baby out and amputated healthy tissue from the penis in an irreversible procedure.”

I get that something like this should be the parents’ decision and all, especially given how strongly some people feel about the circumcision issue. But at the same time, acting like the kid’s junk is now deformed because he doesn’t have to peel it back like a rotting banana seems like a bit of an overreaction. And will that $1 million be used to get the kid some new dong skins? I doubt it. If anything, the hospital just owes him a piece of bologna and some crazy glue.

Miami Hospital Circumcises Baby By Mistake [ABC News]

While visiting Epcot Center in Florida, a Pennsylvania woman alleges that a Disney employee dressed as Donald Duck grabbed her breast and molested her after she sought an autograph.

After the alleged groping, Donald Duck made gestures–apparently with his snowy white hands—“indicating he had done something wrong,” according to a lawsuit filed last month by April Magolon. The Upper Darby woman, 27, was visiting Epcot with her children and fiancé in May 2008 when the incident reportedly occurred.

According to Magolon’s complaint, she has suffered “severe physical injury, emotional anguish and distress including, but not limited to post-traumatic stress disorder” as a result of the run-in with Donald Duck.

Grope Claim Against Donald Duck [The Smoking Gun]

The Federal Bureau of Investigation has taken on everyone from Al Capone to John Dillinger to the Unabomber. Its latest adversary: Wikipedia.

The bureau wrote a letter in July to the Wikimedia Foundation, the parent organization of Wikipedia, demanding that it take down an image of the F.B.I. seal accompanying an article on the bureau, and threatened litigation: “Failure to comply may result in further legal action. We appreciate your timely attention to this matter.”

The problem, those at Wikipedia say, is that the law cited in the F.B.I.’s letter is largely about keeping people from flashing fake badges or profiting from the use of the seal, and not about posting images on noncommercial Web sites. Many sites, including the online version of the Encyclopedia Britannica, display the seal.

Other organizations might simply back down. But Wikipedia sent back a politely feisty response, stating that the bureau’s lawyers had misquoted the law. “While we appreciate your desire to revise the statute to reflect your expansive vision of it, the fact is that we must work with the actual language of the statute, not the aspirational version” that the F.B.I. had provided.

F.B.I., Challenging Use of Seal, Gets Back a Primer on the Law [NY Times]

Harms claims she was fired by Hearthstone CEO John Smith after he said her fetus had a “negative agenda” and was “hostile towards him.” Harms also said that Smith consulted with psychics about the “negative energy” coming from her fetusm which reminded him of his own unhappy times in his mother’s womb.

The suit also alleges that Smith called a chiropractor, whom Smith described an “energy worker,” who claimed that Harms’ fetus had encounters with Smith in a previous lifetime.

Well, if the suit’s allegations are true, this is probably not the most sane and welcoming way to treat a female employee and reflects pretty poorly upon the company. But, at the same time, at least you’d know if you work with Hearthstone Homes, you’re not going to be getting a house that’s built and then filled with the spirits of fetuses. So, that’s kind of a trade-off in that respect. Hearthstone Homes: No Fetus Souls Here!

Fired For Fetus? [KGOR]

Tumpach says in the lawsuit that she had been celebrating her sister’s birthday at the movie theater, using digital cameras to take photos and videos of the revelers. She claims that she videotaped the opening of the movie to capture the opening “as a memory of this exciting event.”

During the initial arrest, employees said they saw her recording the movie. Police found only a few minutes of footage of the movie on the camera.

So, it seems like maybe the arrest was a bit of an overreaction. But she’s still an idiot for filming part of a movie openly in a movie theater. I think they should adopt wrestling-esque stipulations for this lawsuit. Like the guilty party has a punishment relevant to the feud, like having blood drawn from the loser’s body by a guy wearing a Robert Pattinson mask. That’s my solution to everything. It’s the perfect combination of foppish little men, blood, and brutal murder to fit any situation.

Woman who recorded ‘Twilight’ movie sues theater [Chicago Breaking News]

An Illinois judge this week awarded $54,000 US to an Aurora couple who sued after e-mails accusing them of being “swingers” and attending “nude hot tub parties” were sent to dozens of their neighbours and the staff of their children’s elementary school.

Donald and Tia Howard filed a defamation lawsuit last year accusing fellow Amber Fields subdivision resident Amy Day of sending the unsigned e-mails to nearly 200 people. Their lawsuit also named Michigan resident Bonnie Ream, Day’s sister, whose e-mail account was allegedly used to send the e-mails in October.

After neither woman contested the charges, Judge Michael Powers on Tuesday granted a default judgment to the Howards, but declined to award punitive damages.

In court documents, Tia Howard says the allegations were false and “humiliated me and my husband.”

Couple wins $54,000 lawsuit after neighbours’ email calls them ‘swingers’ [Calgary Herald]