Lindsay Lohan and photographer Terry Richardson were made for one another. He’s a great photographer who gets the sexiest women in the world to pose scantily clad for amazing photographs, and LiLo needs money and is willing to be photographed wearing anything, everything, and nothing. One of these sets of photos (the color ones) are for Love magazine (love Love magazine) and the other is for I don’t know what, but there’s loads of cleavage so it’s all good.

That, and the fact that I found it utterly amusing.

“I’ve been talking to Lindsay Lohan directly, and with her reps, and have been in conversations with other actresses, including Megan Fox,” Larry Thompson, the executive producer of Lifetime’s Liz and Dick, told E! News exclusively.

Thompson declined to elaborate further on specifics of the negotiations, but added that being in talks with more than one actress is not meant as an affront to the talent involved, but rather is simply de rigueur for projects of this nature.

“It’s a very serious selection,” Thompson continued. “It’s like casting for Hollywood royalty.”

He left out one part there at the end. The part where this was for A LIFETIME MOVIE.

Lindsay Lohan would do a movie if it were only to appear on the Internet viewable by just females between the age of 40 and 43 in Papua New Guinea if it meant she would be able to cash a paycheck. Whereas Megan Fox, while having pretty much killed her career by talking shit about Michael Bay, has made more money from those Transformers movies than I care to think about. Plus she has those sweeeet 90210 residuals her husband’s (ugh) still banking.

My money’s on Lindsay in this one based on casting couch experience alone.

Lindsay Lohan, Look Out: Megan Fox Also in Talks to Play Elizabeth Taylor [E!]

First let’s start with the fact that some studio is actually considering using Lindsay to play the part of Elizabeth Taylor in a movie. That’ll be the crowning jewel on Liz’s legacy if that happens, I’m sure. Luckily it’s just for a Lifetime TV movie.

Next, it seems that Lindsay owes the IRS a few bucks. Shocking, I know since she always seems to handle her money so well.

According to official documents filed in Los Angeles, the Internal Revenue Service has obtained a lien against Lohan for $93,701.57 for failure to pay her federal income tax.

But wait, there’s more. She’s also being sued by the paparazzi for “claiming he was badly injured when the car in which Lindsay was riding tried making a fast getaway from a Hollywood club and nailed him.”

And finally, it seems that Lindsay decided that she didn’t need an invitation to a pre-Golden Globes party. She’d just sneak in the back and make her way to the front and get her picture taken like she belonged there.

Yes, it’s been quite a week for our girl. Stay tuned.

Lindsay Lohan May Play Elizabeth Taylor in TV Movie [Us]
IRS Cracking Down Over MASSIVE Tax Debt [TMZ]
Lindsay Lohan Sued by Paparazzo Over Car Accident [TMZ]

Well played, Maxim...

Taking full advantage of the fact that apparently the men of the world really, really like looking at airbrushed photos of Lindsay Lohan (seriously, her Playboy issue is said to be killing it) the folks down at Maxim Australia busted out their own set of pics. Oh, it’s the fact that men like looking at big ole chesticles regardless of whether they’re real, fake, or Photoshopped. Oh yeah. Silly me, for a second I forgot.

The world seems overrun with worthless celebrities, blowhards and fame-whores with nothing to offer the world other than the sale of their own dignity for the enjoyment of slack-jawed yokels everywhere. Obviously, some of these fools need to go away. And fast. Of course, we can’t include every worthless celebrity on this list because then it would be roughly 968 names long and I’m pretty sure I would get a nosebleed or at the very least get the urge to run wild with a hatchet by the time I hit number 50 and nobody wants that. Note: this will be epically hate filled and will probably piss some people off, but what the hell, at the very least this should earn me an invitation to the next Playa Hater’s Ball and none of you should begrudge me that. Now, with all that said, let’s get on with it.

9 Paris Hilton
The only reason Paris Hilton isn’t higher on this list is because no one really seems to give a shit about her anymore, at least according to the ratings from her latest miserable reality show which show that her audience basically consists of a retarded squirrel and a ham sandwich by this point. Still, Paris will always deserve to be on this list because she is basically the Queen Mother of the vapid fame-whore movement. I mean, come on, she literally became famous for sucking a guy’s dick. Now while I can applaud that kind of dedication to good old fashioned whoredom, unfortunately it paved the way for a generation of talentless ambition freaks, soulless monsters with cash registers for brains and hearts made of greed, all flooding the airwaves in a tidal wave of dumb noise, spray tanned giant asses and naked stupidity. Paris Hilton started all that. She made being a dumb whore fashionable and for that, she needs to go away.

8 Nancy Grace
Nancy Grace is the parasitic beast wriggling on the ocean floor of popular culture, sucking up every monstrous and hate-able thing she can, feeding on it in order to earn ratings and invitations to stupid reality dance shows. She trades on the misery and despair of others, and the worst part is that she actually clothes herself in some self-righteous do-gooder persona, like she is some sort of avenging angel. Well, why is it then, that the only “downtrodden” and “hopeless” people she advocates for are all stereotypical Natalee Holloway types, photogenic white, middle-class types who make for a nice, tidy story on the cover of People magazine? Where are all the stories on behalf of the poor African–American kids who go missing? Where are the indignant pleas for justice on behalf of the those poor, ugly folks doomed to be forever ignored by the press because they’re not photogenic enough? Those are the people who could really use her help. But instead, Nancy Grace prefers to appeal to the dimwitted carnivores of pop-culture, those who eat that shit up like popcorn at a movie theater. And because of that, she really, really needs to shut up and she really, really needs to go away.

7 Ashton Kutcher
I was all set to include Charlie Sheen on this list, but really, he’s pretty much already gone away. So instead I figured I’d include his talentless replacement, a doofus who has become more famous for being Ashton Kutcher: male concubine, than for anything he’s done in a movie or television show. It’s not that Kutcher is all that obnoxious – okay, fine, he totally is – so much as he’s generally, well, worthless. What does he actually add to anything? Is there anybody out there who sees his name attached to a project and thinks “Oh, man, I’ve gotta see that!” He basically exists now to spew dumb shit on Twitter and make Demi Moore look bad, which let’s be honest, isn’t that hard to do, but come on, man. Maybe it’s time to go back to Iowa for a while, Ashton. Or just go anywhere that we don’t have to see you. But no matter where you choose to go, just make sure that, for now anyway, you just go away.

6 Betty White
Wait… what? I know, I know, this one will probably make a bunch of people mad if only because, if I have learned anything over the years, it’s that on the internet people will get mad about literally anything. But I also recognize that Betty White is beloved. And honestly, this isn’t a knock on her. She’s great. It’s just that, well, the poor old lady needs to go away for a while. She’s a human punch-line at this point, the 2011 version of the Where’s the Beef lady or the Macarena. She shuffles onto the stage or screen, says something vaguely shocking and everybody howls. Good. Great. But… enough already, you know?

5 Jon and Kate Gosselin
The good news is that these fools seem to be on the way out. The bad news, though, is that they basically cashed in the lives of their own children for fifteen minutes of tacky fame. Jon has become an Affliction wearing joke, a tabloid punching bag whose greatest accomplishment in life is that he gave Lindsay Lohan’s dad a soul mate. Kate, meanwhile, just comes across like the Wicked Witch of the West, a humorless harridan obsessed with keeping her talons firmly affixed around the throat of whatever notoriety she’s “earned” by pooping out a whole litter of children. And she does it all with that same “I just smelled something terrible” look on her face that Nancy Grace has. Tthese two are awful and they have very likely ruined their kid’s lives and doomed them all to a lifetime of therapy and for that, they can kindly go away.

4 Anyone on ‘Real Housewives of… [fill in the blank]‘
This is the world Paris Hilton built. This is the world we all let happen. And every time you see one of these plastic faces on your TV, leaking botox and shame all over the place, spewing inane bullshit and, well, just generally being completely awful in every conceivable way, you should be ashamed of yourself. I know I am.

3 Snooki
Honestly, I could include virtually the whole cast of Jersey Shore here but for the most part, those dudes and lady dudes (and in J-Woww’s case, that seems like it might actually be an appropriate term) seem like harmless goofballs. The biggest exceptions are, of course, The Situation and Snooki. The Situation, though, seems like he’s already been burnt out. His ridiculous candle has already been snuffed and no one seems like they even care about the poor fool anymore. But Snooki… well, Snooki just won’t go away and that’s a problem because out of all of these idiots, she’s the one who seems the most despicable, like she understands only all too well that she is just America’s clown and just keeps feeding the beast with one ridiculous thing after another. Which wouldn’t be too bad except she is so obviously transparent about it. She’s on the TV, she’s all over the net, she’s got her own fragrance (eau de whore?) she’s got some lame spin-off coming up and she’s even all over the New York Times best seller list. A part of me appreciates her hustle. Another bigger part of me just finds her annoying as hell, and that part of me wishes she would just do the right thing and go away.

2 Lindsay Lohan
Look, I don’t want to see that crackwhore who lives in a box down the street and who sounds like she has a smoker’s cough from hell and who would probably trade in one of her last few remaining teeth for a moment of drugged out bliss, do anything, so why in the hell would I want to watch the slow-motion train wreck that is Lindsay Lohan’s life? There aren’t too many differences, except for… what’s that? Lindsay Lohan still has huge boobs? Well, carry on then. No, but for real, there is absolutely nothing interesting or attractive about Lindsay Lohan anymore. We get it, she likes drugs and she’s ruining her life and her family is terrible and blah, blah, blah… enough. It just never changes. She’s not America’s Sweetheart. She’s America’s Trainwreck. People don’t even want to make fun of her anymore. That’s how old this shit has gotten. They just want her to go away.

1 Anyone With the Last Name Kardashian or Jenner
Oh God, these friggin’ people. I don’t even know where to begin. They’re awful, just awful. I suppose I could start with this: this whole ridiculous clan is famous because of two things – Kim was filmed getting reamed by some dude and the original Kardashian patriarch was one of the ghouls responsible for getting OJ off the hook. What a legacy! Naturally, people who come from such fine, upstanding stock have parlayed that into epic fame-whorishness. These people would sell anything and everything. Their dignity was the first to go and now everything else is on the table too. They are so awful that they have even dragged multiple sports stars with them down into the gutter. It’s terrible. Of course, the core of this insane circus are Kim and her worthless sisters. I mean, it’s bad enough that Kim is famous just because she let some dude film himself banging her but her sisters are famous because they are simply related to that someone. They don’t even have the fame cache of a celebrity sex tape! They’re just… there. Okay fine, Khloe had that stint as the copilot of the Millennium Falcon but that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. In this galaxy and in this time, they are just human avatars of greed and pointless fame and because of that, they all need to go very far away.

Personally I think I prefer these photos over her Playboy spread anyway. It’s Lindsay, not airbrushed, in her natural environment, falling out of her bikini top, and just generally being the pillar of society that we’ve come to know and love.

Though her trip to Hawaii hasn’t been without it’s pitfalls as someone stole her $5,000 purse which also happened to have $10,000 in cash inside, because we all carry that kind of cash don’t we? You never know when you’ll need to buy, ummm, well, the only people I know that carry that kind of cash are degenerate gamblers and people who do lots of blow, so…

Lindsay’s $5,000 Chanel purse was stolen last night from a Hawaii house party — and inside the bag … her passport, important probation docs, and a boatload of cash.

Sources tell us, Lindsay stayed long after police left — driving the entire party into a frenzy for hours looking for the purse — and up until this morning, she had come up empty.

But that’s when one of her friend’s eyed a suspicious-looking local, and asked if he knew where the bag was. We’re told the local denied everything, but showed up with the bag minutes later … claiming he found it on the street somewhere.

We’re told Lindsay was so ecstatic to have the bag back, she didn’t bother asking questions — despite the missing $10,000.

Eh, it’s only cash. There’s plenty more where that came from, right? If only we could all break the law as often as LiLo and still be granted permission to fly to Hawaii to attend parties and hang out on the beach, what a better world it would be. Love ya, California!

Lindsay Lohan PURSE RETURNED … Minus $10,000 [TMZ]

I don’t see much special about the cover, but I’m still eagerly anticipating seeing whether there will be anything inside that we haven’t seen before in the issue. I hope the layout is like these other celebrities and not another nude/non-nude photo shoot like we had to go through with Heidi Montag awhile back. And for LiLo’s sake, I hope her career also turns out better for her after this issue than it did for Heidi. Then again, I doubt Heidi got nearly $1 million for her photo shoot.

The Beauty Book is a hard cover coffee table book with images of your favorite celebrities, musicians and top models. All the monies raised, will go directly to Brain Cancer via two charities called SNOG & HEADRUSH. These charitable organizations are non- profit and both rely on donations for research.

I founded this project in February 2009 after I lost my dear friend, Natalie Sattler Esposito to brain cancer in September 2008, she was 35 years old. This is one friend’s life that was cut way to short, so I used all my Hollywood connections to give brain cancer a voice and The Beauty Book was born.

Among the women featured in this 312 page coffee table book are Hilary Duff, Jessica Alba, Ashley Greene, Leighton Meester, Hayden Panettiere, Eva Longoria, Scarlett Johansson, Lindsay Lohan, and Kim Kardashian (all seen here), plus Amy Adams, Dianna Agron, Moran Atais, Selma Blair, Julie Benz, Rachel Bilson, Emily Blunt, Kate Bosworth, Kristin Cavallari, Lily Cole, Miley Cyrus, Rosario Dawson, Brooklyn Decker, Jenna Dewan, Minnie Driver, Eliza Dushku, Carmen Electra, Kayla Ewell, Fergie, Beau Garrett, Rebecca Gayheart, Melissa George, Meagan Good, Delta Goodrem, Ashlan Gorse, Maggie Grace, Christina Hendricks, Rachel Hunter, Stacy Keibler, Miranda Kerr, Joanna Krupa, Demi Lovato, Rebecca Mader, Josie Moran, Carey Mulligan, Petra Nemcova, Nancy O’Dell, Anna Paquin, Frankie Rayder, Zoe Saldana, Denise Richards, Zoe Saldana, Nicole Scherzinger, Brittany Snow, Yvonne Strahovski, Jessica Szohr, Odette Yustman, and even more. Phew!

The life of a movie star can be a complicated one. One day you’re beloved by everyone and the next you’re hopping on a couch in front of a terrified Oprah and nobody can watch any of your movies anymore without laughing for all the wrong reasons. It happens. All too often. Hence, this list. Some of the actors and actresses on this list have lost whatever credibility they had simply because it’s become clear to everybody that they are as good an actor as Helen Keller was an opera singer. Still others have lost all semblance of credibility because their private lives have become so weird and/or ridiculous that it’s become impossible to watch them without thinking of how stupid the whole damn thing has gotten. Whatever the reason, the one thing all of these seven actors and actresses have in common is that none of them have any credibility left.

7 Steven Seagal
Granted, Steven Seagal has always been pretty ridiculous. Once upon a time, that was part of his charm. But there is the kind of ridiculous that makes people cheer for you while you’re snapping the arm of Tommy Lee Jones or sparring with Gary Busey on a giant battleship and then there is the kind of ridiculous that makes people wonder if you’re legitimately insane because you’re wandering around in a giant dashiki sexually harassing costars a third of your age or fighting pit bulls and crackheads on some shitty reality show. And sadly for Steven Seagal, he crossed the line separating those two shades of ridiculousness a long time ago. Today, if you see his name attached to anything – movie, TV show, a string of misguided and discontinued sex toys – you can be assured that the only thing you’ll want to see snapped is your own neck so you don’t have to spend all your time being tortured by Seagal being, well, Steven Seagal.

6 Kevin Costner
I know it’s hard to believe but once upon a time Kevin Costner was one of the biggest movie stars in the world. It’s true. Following the success of Dances With Wolves and the epic success of his ridiculous version of Robin Hood, it seemed like Costner could do no wrong. Well, other than try to speak with an English accent, but people seemed willing to let that slide. Then came Waterworld. Then The Postman. And then? Well, suddenly the fact that Costner couldn’t really act was a little more difficult to overlook. I mean, seriously, when’s the last time that Costner even showed up in anything the least bit noteworthy? As a leading man, his credibility is not only gone it’s been obliterated and then pissed on by a gang of diseased goats. At best he’s a character actor now, which wouldn’t be so bad if not for the fact that, again, the dude really can’t act. So what’s left? For Costner, I guess all that’s left is sitting in a dark room, drunk, watching Bull Durham over and over again and wondering where it all went wrong. Either that, or swimming in a pile full of money like Scrooge McDuck. So, yeah, we shouldn’t feel bad for Costner. Feel bad for me. I’ve actually watched both Waterworld and The Postman, which I’m pretty sure means that Veteran’s Day was my holiday.

5 Nicolas Cage
Poor Nicolas Cage is a victim of a combination of factors which have sunk the last vestiges of his credibility. First of all, his tendency to overact his ass off has left him a caricature of himself, a manic weirdo who chews so much scenery that even Al Pacino thinks he needs to calm down. Second, the dude has picked some astoundingly awful movies to star in. If you don’t believe me, here is the list of movies that he has starred in over the last decade:

Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Christmas Carol: The Movie, Windtalkers, Sonny, Adaptation (the one truly good movie in the whole damn decade), Matchstick Men, National Treasure, Lord of War, The Weather Man, The Ant Bully, World Trade Center, The Wicker Man, Ghost Rider, a cameo in Grindhouse, Next, National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Bangkok Dangerous, Knowing, G-Force, The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call, Astro Boy, Kick-Ass, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Season of the Witch, Drive Angry, Seeking Justice, and Trespass.

Jesus! Other than Adaptation, and a handful of half-decent dramas and modest hits, the only movies that Nicolas Cage has starred in over the last decade have been Gigli level bombs or shitty popcorn flicks for Disney. This dude once won an Oscar! Just look at that list again. I shouldn’t even have to continue. But I will, since I’m a professional. Aside from his hilariously awful career choices, the dude’s public image has also been ruined by the fact that he’s, well, weird as hell, he gives his kids dumb comic book names and he’s wasted all of his money on crazy shit like gold plated mustache combs and locks of hair from the original Superman actor. I’m not sure if either of those are actually true, but they might as well be. And to top it all off, now his adult son is running around karate kicking lampposts and getting the shit beaten out of him on the sidewalk by everyone from his personal trainer to his own wife. Add everything I just wrote up and it’s no wonder that everyone laughs when they see Nicolas Cage and his flyaway hair pop up on the big screen.

4 George Lucas
Okay, technically George Lucas isn’t an actor but he still belongs on this list because let’s face it, whenever the dude’s name pops up on the big screen, it either elicits one of two reactions: either there is a sense of excited awe coming from true believer nerd types who refuse to admit that George Lucas has spent the better part of the last decade and a half bending them over and extracting money from their asses like they were some kind of demented ATM machines, or there is barely suppressed laughter and derisive groans from everyone else. This is because Lucas just can’t leave well enough alone and in his endless pursuit for technological perfection (aka money) he has subjected us to everything from Jar-Jar Binks to recut after recut of Star Wars, just because he feels like you should pay another twenty bucks to see nipples on the Ewoks this time or Jabba sing show tunes. His utter willingness to market complete crap has become so obvious and so ridiculous that no one can take him seriously anymore, and so when his name pops up in a trailer, rather than movie magic, the only thing most people are picturing is a giant Jar-Jar Binks gibbering at them like some nightmare from hell. And that’s why he’s on this list.

3 Lindsay Lohan
Come on, just look at the picture. That’s her trying to look good for a court appearance. I’ve seen meth heads that can pull it together better than that. It’s gotten so bad that reportedly after her Playboy shoot, Hugh Hefner looked at the pictures and basically said “Uh, I think we need a do over here,” and that dude is so old, senile and horny that he’d probably try to bone Anna Nicole Smith’s corpse. To put it another way: Lindsay Lohan is too strung out and beaten up for porn. I don’t need to say anything else, do I?

2 Mel Gibson
There is probably not another movie star more toxic than Mel Gibson right now. This is what happens when you go on an epic bender that sees you repeatedly insult Jews, sexually harass a friggin’ police officer, slap around your baby mama and the baby, demand blow jobs from said slapped around baby mama and then threaten arson. I know that sounds wildly implausible and completely outrageous but for Mel Gibson, that’s just his normal Thursday routine at this point. And everybody knows it. If they made another Lethal Weapon movie I’d be terrified that he’d start making racist comments towards Danny Glover and then would set him on fire, ranting and raving about blow jobs the whole time. Look, I just don’t want to risk a scene which sees Riggs accuse Joe Pesci of killing Jesus before freaking out and punching one of Murtaugh’s kids because they ran out of vodka on the set. And I think I’m not alone in this and that’s why Mel Gibson is so high on this list.

1 Tom Cruise
Tom Cruise isn’t as toxic as Lindsay Lohan or Mel Gibson, and he can still at least get movies made, so why is he number one on this list? Because he has the unique fortune to not only be responsible for destroying his own credibility with his off the deep end couch jumping Xenu gibbering weirdness, he also destroyed the credibility of Katie Holmes. No matter how ridiculous things have gotten for the other actors on this list at least none of them dragged another actor’s career with them completely into the abyss like Cruise did with poor Katie’s career. Everyone forgets but just prior to her relationship with Cruise, Katie Holmes was starring in the massively successful Batman Begins. A few well-executed couch jumps and an endless array of vacant what the hell happened to me looks on her face later and she’s been reduced to making her comeback in a movie opposite Adam Sandler in drag. As for Cruise himself, well, since he went completely off the deep end, he’s really only had one well received role – as a completely psychotic nutjob of a movie executive in Tropic Thunder. In other words, the only role that people will buy Cruise in anymore is as someone who is completely fucking crazy. That’s not a coincidence. For that, and for completely ruining the credibility of his own wife, Tom Cruise has earned the number one spot on this list. Congrats, Tom. Now please don’t sue me or send a team of lawyers high on Xenu blood to rough me up and pick through my trash looking for ways to ruin my life. Thanks, pal, you’re a peach.

Hugh Hefner wasn’t pleased with the initial photos of Lindsay Lohan from her shoot for Playboy. Lohan had been on-set between court dates last week with photographer Yu Tsai, hairstylist Serena Radaelli and makeup artist Francesca Tolot, but the shoot was extended into the weekend after Hef didn’t like the results. “He felt the initial shots looked too much like a Kate Moss-inspired fashion story — Lindsay’s choice — where he wanted more of a classic Hollywood Marilyn Monroe feel,” a source said. This weekend, Lohan was accompanied by lawyers, agents and publicists who, sources said, “gave their two cents about what was considered ‘nude’ and what was not.” Sources said Lohan ended up delivering the Monroe-inspired images Hefner wanted. She’s expected to appear nude, but “strategically covered up” in certain shots.

Why does this sound so familiar? Oh yes, because SHE ALREADY DID THAT FOR NEW YORK MAGAZINE three years ago!

Lindsay’s rep also tells us that “the pictorial is absolutely fantastic and very tasteful and will be accompanied by an interview that will let readers see another side of Lindsay.”

Sorry, there’s only one side of Lindsay we want to see and it ain’t gonna happen in any damn interview.

Lohan does it Hef’s way [Post]
Lindsay Lohan Channels Marilyn Monroe in Playboy [People]

Note: Not her actual jail cell

“All I can tell you is that she was already released,” L.A. Sheriff’s Deputy Tony Moore told PEOPLE early Monday morning.

The reason given for her quick release is because the jails are overcrowded and therefore non-violent offenders are usually sent home early. At least now Lindsay’s free to attend more premiere parties and make everyone uncomfortable.

If you will recall, Judge Stephanie Sautner also told Lindsay that she also has to serve 12 days of community service at the Los Angeles County morgue and then attend 18 therapy sessions by the end of March or she will sentence Lindsay to an additional 270 days in jail.

Let’s do some math, shall we? 30 days = 4-1/2 hours so 270 days = a little over a day and a half. I’m sure Lindsay will get her work done to fulfill her obligations to the court. Nooooo problem.

And it’s a good thing the judge gave Lindsay that extra time to finish shooting her Playboy spread before reporting to jail. There’s no way the folks at Playboy could have gotten it done if they’d had to have waited from 9:00 p.m. last night to 1:30 a.m. this morning for Lindsay to finally become a free woman again.

Lindsay Lohan Checks In and Out of Jail [People]

The troubled starlet, 25, must report to jail by Nov. 9.

After her release, she also must continue to do community service at the Los Angeles morgue and attend psychotherapy sessions, a judge announced at the hearing.

If Lohan completes all the terms, she will not have to serve an additional 270 outstanding days of jail time she had faced in cases in Beverly Hills and Los Angeles.

Orrrrr, she can just keep living in California where they’ll pretty much let you do anything you want as long as you even remotely resemble some sort of celebrity. One of those things.

The good news is that she already shot her Playboy spread, so that won’t be delayed by this little bump in the road. (That thing’s going to sell like a jillion copies, you watch.)

UPDATE! Turns out the reason that the judge didn’t make Lindsay go to jail immediately was because LiLo wasn’t done shooting her Playboy spread yet. JUSTICE!!!

Lindsay Lohan Going to Jail for 30 Days after Admitting Violations [People]

Lindsay Lohan didn’t wuss out for her Playboy shoot — TMZ has learned, the actress will BARE ALL in her upcoming spread … i.e. the holy trifecta … or as one source close to Playboy put it, “boobs, ass, and vag.”

That sounds rather definitive.

As for why she’s willing to go full-blown naked, the answer will not surprise you.

“Lindsay still hasn’t signed her contract to be in the John Gotti biopic. Lindsay is extremely concerned about her finances, and she needs the money. Lindsay’s flow of income has been greatly diminished in the last year. With the possibility of being sent back to jail for over a year, she felt that now was the time to do the Playboy photo shoot,” a source close to the actress tells us.

Hey, expensive sports cars, nights out at the club, meth and crack (according to her dad) don’t just pay for themselves, you know? Or in Lindsay’s case, don’t get paid for at all.

Lindsay Lohan — FULL FRONTAL Nude for Playboy [TMZ]
The Real Reason Lindsay Lohan Went Naked For Playboy [Radar]

Lindsay’s rep said, “I can neither confirm or deny at this time.” Playboy didn’t immediately respond to our email or phone call.

In other words, this is a done deal. I suppose this makes sense when you’re only other real alternative to being able to pay for things like high-end sports cars is boxing Tila Tequila. (Whatever happened to that $3.4 million offer she reportedly had anyway?)

Her dad, Michael, immediately celebrated this news by getting arrested for domestic violence last night because his ex-girlfriend Kate Major would give him a BJ, according to Major on the police report.

Major claims Lohan pushed her multiple times and squeezed her arms. She claims Mike also told her he would “slit both his wrist and her wrist. He also threatened to throw her off the balcony (4th floor).”

Kate says Michael threw a TV remote control at her … but he missed, so he smashed her cell phone.

Michael then faked chest pains so the cops would take him to the hospital where he tried to escape. I really don’t see how, with parents like Michael and Dina, Lindsay’s life got so off track. They’re pretty much just like the Cleavers when you think about it.

UPDATE: E! News says it is going to be a non-nude shoot. *wipes away tear* So how does one explain her making a million dollars for doing it then? I’m so very confused.

UPDATED UPDATE: She’s getting nekkid, just as I originally reported. I feel so much better now.

Lindsay Lohan Posing Nude in Playboy [TMZ]
Mike Lohan’s Ex — He Attacked Me Because I Wouldn’t Perform Oral Sex [TMZ]

This would be mugshot #5.

Judge Stephanie Sautner stated that if Lindsay bailed out of jail she had to immediately start community service a minimum of two days a week at 8 hour increments at the county morgue where she will be emptying trash, vacuuming, and cleaning toilets.

“There has been violation after violation,” Sautner noted. “Probation is a gift, it’s not a right.”

In other news, Lindsay’s dad Michael Lohan had some very flattering things to say about his daughter on Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell on HLN Wednesday.

“She’s smoking either crack or meth, one or the other. I’m not going to shade it.”

“If you’re talking about prescription medication it would affect all your teeth, not just your two front teeth,” Michael said about his daughter’s dental issues.

“You can’t dance with the devil and expect to go home with Jesus.”

Lindsay is due back in court on November 2 for yet another hearing to see if she will be sent to jail for up to 18 months (spoiler alert: she won’t).

UPDATE! Lindsay didn’t show up at the morgue today for her community service. Ruh roh. The judge is NOT going to like that.

Lindsay Lohan Handcuffed & Taken Into Custody; Judge Blasts Her [Radar]
Lindsay Lohan Is Smoking Either Crack Or Meth, Says Her Father Michael [Radar]

I’m sure Marc Jacobs appreciates the product placement after they showed LiLo flinging glasses at people, and showing Lindsay driving Herbie The Love Bug was a nice touch. All in all, I’d say that was a pretty accurate portrayal. Perhaps once she gets sent back to jail they can do a sequel.*

(*Like there’s any chance she’s ever going to jail. Lindsay could run over a small child with her new Porsche and get away with it in California. I’m being totally serious.)

• Judge Stephanie Sautner ordered Lohan to serve 360 hours of community service at the Downtown Women’s Center in L.A. She reportedly skipped nine scheduled visits and often left after working for only an hour, even though she is supposed to be there a minimum of four hours.

• Two weeks ago, her service at the Women’s Center was terminated because of these violations, so they assigned her to a new community service program at the Red Cross.

• Lindsay says that she was unfairly booted from the Downtown Women’s Center, and adds that the staff there was really mean to her.

• According to the probation department, as of September 30, Lindsay had done 21 of the 360 hours of community service she was originally scheduled to complete at the shelter.

• There’s been no word on how many of the 100 hours of service she was supposed to do at the county morgue she’s completed.

• She has also reportedly violated the judge’s order in her probation case by not seeing a psychologist at least once a week.

• One of Linday’s excuses is that she’s been working out of the country, which the judge specifically said was not an allowable reason to miss them.

• LiLo, disputes that report, saying that she didn’t miss her sessions, but rather did them over the phone.

• A friend of Lindsay’s told RadarOnline, “Lindsay says she knows that she’s not doing what they want her to do now but she feels like she won’t get in any trouble.”

• Lindsay also had this to say on Twitter in her defense, “I am working hard and fulfilling my obligations every single day, to the court as well as myself.”

Those close to her say that Lindsay “can’t wait” to go to court on Wednesday to tell her side of the story (and attempt to avoid up to a year in jail). And we cannot wait to hear it.

Lindsay Lohan Booted From Community Service Program [TMZ]
Lindsay Lohan — The Women’s Center People Were ‘Mean Girls’ [TMZ]
Lindsay Lohan Has To Be Crazy For Blowing Off Court-Ordered Shrink [TMZ]
Lindsay Lohan on Therapy — I Totally Phoned It In [TMZ]

Fresh off a vacation in Europe (A vacation from what? Not doing her community service?) Lindsay visited a Porsche dealership in Los Angeles and purchased an $80,000 Porsche Panamera. (Maybe now she’ll be able to get to court on time.) Why is this odd? Well…

Back in July when Lindsay appeared in front of Judge Stephanie Sautner, she told her that the reason she hadn’t started her court mandated therapy sessions was because she was unable to get insurance to foot the bill and she was financially strapped.

LiLo had a good reason for getting the car though. It seems her “buddy” Sam Ronson also bought one and Lindsay really, really liked it. See? Perfectly sound logic.

Elite Transportation Limo and Security Services might disagree though since they claim that from February 2009 to May 2009 Lindsay and her friends racked up charges of $33,978, which now with penalties and late charges brings the bill to $90,585.79. In other words, just about what that Porsche would have cost with tax.

With financial acumen like that just how long do you suppose it will be until we get our first “leaked” Lindsay Lohan sex tape?

Money Troubles, What Money Troubles? Lindsay Lohan Buys $80,000 Porsche [Radar]
Lindsay Lohan Sued — No Free Ride for Her [TMZ]

Teen Bride Courtney Stodden Signs Deal With Merv Griffin Entertainment For Reality Show
“They want everybody to see their life. Nothing is off limits.”

Justin Timberlake Visits Scarlett Johansson’s Apartment
“They’ve hooked up several times over the years.”

Is Scarlett Johansson Dating Kieran Culkin?
“Johansson (photographed with two dancers!) and Culkin visited the erotic burlesque venue, Crazy Horse.”

George Clooney’s Ex Warns Stacy Kiebler: “He Will Break Your Heart”
“I wouldn’t have any expectation of anything serious.”

Stacy Keibler is “Living in the Moment” with George Clooney
“I was actually not really searching for a boyfriend.”

Gwyneth Paltrow Complains About “Sweaty” Emmys Seat Filler
“The seat filler before me was sweaty, so my chair was wet. Gross!”

Lindsay Lohan Ignoring Advisers Telling Her to Do Community Service
“Lindsay’s rationale is that she has a year to complete the service, so she isn’t concerned about it right now.”

Hilary Duff Replaced By Lindsay Pulsipher in Bonnie and Clyde
“Pulsipher, who is best known for playing werepanther Crystal Norris on HBO’s True Blood, is currently filming the History Channel miniseries The Hatfields and McCoys…”

R.E.M. Announces Split After 31 Years
“We built something extraordinary together. We did this thing. And now we’re going to walk away from it.”

Guns N’ Roses To Launch First U.S. Tour in Five Years
“The band hasn’t played a show since a December 2010 date in Dubai, but will warm up for their U.S. run as only they can: with a series of massive dates in South America and Mexico.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
A new four-minute trailer for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.

Mark Walhberg: Entourage Movie Likely to Happen
“‘It better happen,’ Wahlberg said over the weekend at Las Vegas’s Palms Place Hotel and Spa. ‘We’re working on [a movie] as we speak.’”

Charlie Sheen’s Net Settlement North of $100 Million
“Charlie will get the $25 mil in about two weeks and, as we reported, the sum represents the monies owed him for the work he already performed on the series and the profits that have already accrued.”

Charlie Sheen: “You Can’t Hurt Me… I Can’t Even Hurt Me”
“Wow, what a night — until tonight, I never realized how f***ed up I was.”

Matthew Fox Sued for $25,000 Over Bus Attack
“Fox, who was in Cleveland to film I, Alex Cross, was believed to be intoxicated; he has not been formally charged with any crime.”

Judges to Chaz Bono: “Chazzy Boy … You Can Dance!”
“Chaz Bono lived up to the hype in his highly-anticipated debut on Dancing with the Stars’ 13th season premiere Monday night.”

David Arquette: “I Understand How Chaz Bono Feels”
“I didn’t know Chaz before but going on there, but with Alexis I saw how vicious people can be…”

Lindsay Lohan — Good Samaritan Returns Cell Phone with “Photos”
“He somehow figured out how to contact Lindsay’s people and then returned it … without even asking for a reward. And you guessed it … she didn’t give him one.”

Emma Watson is “Surprisingly Regular,” Nina Dobrev Says at Emmys
“She’s such a smart, smart young woman and surprisingly normal and cool and regular.”

Alec Baldwin Explains Why He Skipped the Emmys
“It was a birthday party that kept Emmy nominee Alec Baldwin away from TV’s biggest night, not the fact that his opening skit got cut.”

January Jones Welcomes a Son
“Son Xander Dane Jones and the new mom are ‘doing great.’”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Supermodels Jessica White and Lisalla Montenegro behind the scenes for NYC’s Fashion’s Night Out.