Before you get all huffy and emasculated (“Why is a girl giving advice on a men’s Web site? On how to be a man?! WAH! WAH!”), let me give you a behind-the-scenes look on how this list was concocted: eleven guys, three girls, ranging in age from twenty-two to ]]>

Before you get all huffy and emasculated (“Why is a girl giving advice on a men’s Web site? On how to be a man?! WAH! WAH!”), let me give you a behind-the-scenes look on how this list was concocted: eleven guys, three girls, ranging in age from twenty-two to fifty-one, all consuming cold beverages on a Sunday afternoon. Each point was discussed, dissected, nodded at proudly, and amended with stories—including one of a man-boy shitting the couch. But that tale is for another article. So go ahead, call me sexist for being a kind, blonde soul and doling out some advice. Or just jerk off to a picture of the chicks’ shiny tits in the sidebar, release some pent-up rage, and hear me out. The most popular points of what to know before you’ve reached the big 3-0.

8 At least one amazing meal
Let’s start with a sad fact: That metabolism is going to catch up with you. We know twelve dollars worth of Taco Bell and Angus Burgers are am-azing. You have to kind of start caring about what you eat and not depending on fast food for every meal. Next point: Wining and dining is not a myth. Getting that special friend revved up for play starts with some good eats. Sure, you can drain your wallet at the nearest Olive Garden and toss her some free, stale breadsticks while whipping out your cock. Or, you can put together that meal you’ve perfected and look like a total, oh-so-manly pro. Cooking can be fun (not like, “Wee!” fun, but like, “Wow, I made this and it actually tastes decent” fun). Props to the men who can make the best breakfast.

7 Not dressing like a douche
Don’t feel obligated to don a suit, tie, and freshly shaved face. Just ditch the khaki cargo shorts (they’re flesh-colored, need we say anymore?), tell your collar to settle the f-ck down, and banish the shiny, neon, chest-hair-showing, label-screaming, rhinestone-y-shit. You’re getting old. No one wants to see that. Dressing like a sexy D.I.L.F. will take some practice knowing what you’re comfortable in and probably the hand of a good woman who knows what WWD stands for.

6 Basic car maneuvers
Do you have to deem someone else responsible while attempting to parallel park? Does your forehead become damp at the prospect of backing into tight spot? (Everything about that sentence made me squirm—in a good way.) My last car was covered in duct tape for a reason. But the men we chatted with swear that a dude who becomes flustered by a three-point turn deserves a shameful sigh. Practice your skills in a nearby church parking lot like I let my 13-year-old sister do when I was baked in high school (probably why she’s a much better driver than me). Or just do what I did and move to a public transportation-infested city so no one has to become a victim of your awful depth perception.

5 Liquor
Kick off this key stepping stone to manlihood by memorizing a staple cocktail — Manhattan, anyone? Sure, Ice Houses were never really rad to begin with, but they become even more socially unacceptable in general as everyone around you gains, um, success. Manhattan (or dry martini) mastered? Well, look at you, you elegant dick. Try tackling the challenge of learning to hold your liquor next. Puking your innards out is only permissible at bachelor parties, behind closed doors, and when you become a famous alcoholic novelist. Proceed by knowing how to open a bottle of wine, and not cringing when popping a bottle of champagne.

4 Defusing a situation
There comes a time in every man’s life where getting his finger bitten off in a bar after starting a brawl is not tough. Nor is having your girl bust you out of jail (even though back in the day that was so punk rock). Be that guy everyone loves: “No, no, no, let’s calm it down everyone,” he says, glowing, as two backwards-cap wearing “Ivy League” dogs bark at one another outside of the pub. Women swoon at the sidelines, on looking guys kick the dust on the ground, wishing they could be as stoic as you.

3 Technology/sex etiquette
This category includes the following: A) Realizing the appropriate cut-off time for a booty-call, B) Texting to turn on (and thus, not repulse), and C) Learning to seduce via Skype sex. It’s the age of new media. Get with the times, kid. Some dudes disagreed with me on the video chat sex bit, but let me just say this: Get a girlfriend, travel for business, enjoy coaxing said woman into unleashing her inner Internet porn persona. We all have them in there somewhere. And hey, it’s free.



One overriding consensus under this point: Texting dick pics = Meh. You’d be better snapping a shot of your hair looking especially cute, because I’m really wanting to pull it right about now.

2 Changing a tire — and a diaper
We’ve met women who have actually fallen in love with guys who have nonchalantly changed a tire in an end-of-vacation crisis. Hooray for independence and having the know-how to solve a problem! Feel as comfortable changing a newborn’s soiled, gag-inducing diaper as you do that tire? We’ll be sure to drink to your high level or modern manliness. If you want the future mother of your children to take care of all that shit for you while you run around and mow the lawn and scratch your balls, consider becoming one of those sex tourists in Thailand. But first you should make some cash money. We hear you’ll have a lot of competition with other damaged-ego white dudes. We also hear their food is cheap, spicy, and delicious! Mmm!

1 Oral sex
Okay, okay totally biased. (I’m actually transparently biased on everything, but you guys still want to read my shit and virtually befriend me, so whatever.) You know I already care about spreading the good word on getting a girl off. Great, fulfilling sex is just the launching pad for a click-your-heels-at-the-end-of-the-day sort of life. And it all begins down there. And maybe this point is a metaphor for mastering the art of being more considerate of others. Morality and great oral? Anyone?



Originally published on November 8, 2010.

There are some actors who are good at what they do, but they are one-trick ponies. They play the same type of part over and over. And over. Hey, good for them. Cash that check. But here we’re going to celebrate 10 actors with insane range. These actors can ]]>

There are some actors who are good at what they do, but they are one-trick ponies. They play the same type of part over and over. And over. Hey, good for them. Cash that check. But here we’re going to celebrate 10 actors with insane range. These actors can play almost any role. Seriously, we checked. Let’s begin.

10 John C. Reilly
The lovable John C. Reilly leads our list. Reilly can crack you up in roles like Dr. Steve Brule on Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!, the hilarious Cam Naughton in Talladega Nights or Dale Doback in Step Brothers. But he can also play serious parts like he did in Magnolia, as the aloof cop trying to find his place in the world.



And the extent of his range doesn’t end with comedy and drama. Reilly was hilarious but also sang wonderfully in Walk Hard. He was nominated for a Grammy for his efforts there, and nominated for an Oscar for his work in Chicago. And of course, he dominated the Catalina Wine Mixer.



More Range: The Hours » Dark Water » Year of the Dog » The Aviator » Cyrus

9 Meryl Streep
Simply put, Streep will likely go down in history as the best actress of this generation. The list of roles that she has slayed could take up a whole Web site, let alone one article. She has been nominated a whopping 16 times for Oscars and has won the award twice. And she did it by being an actress that can playing a massive variety of roles. She started turning heads in films like The Deer Hunter, Silkwood and Kramer vs. Kramer. She showed grit in Out of Africa, Sophie’s Choice and The River Wild. And she even did guest stints on two of America’s beloved animated series: The Simpsons and King of the Hill. She’s the crown jewel of American actresses.



More Range: Doubt » Julie and Julia » Marvin’s Room » The Devil Wears Prada » It’s Complicated

8 Guy Pearce
Pearce burst onto the scene when he played Det. Edmund Exley in the film adaptation of James Ellroy’s L.A. Confidential. He followed that up with another amazing performance, this time in Christopher Nolan’s non-linear thriller, Memento. Most recently he played Kate Winslet’s husband in the HBO mini-series, Mildred Pierce. He’s also known for his turn as a drag queen in the cult classic, The Adventures of Priscilla, and for playing Andy Warhol in Factory Girl. He even appeared in a music video for the band Silverchair. The Aussie can play any type of character with any type of accent.



More Range: The Proposition » The King’s Speech » The Hurt Locker » The Count of Monte Cristo » Bedtime Stories

7 Idris Elba
Elba will probably be best known to Americans as the business savvy street thug Stringer Bell from The Wire, or from his stint as Charles Miner in The Office. He’s even played a single dad trying to get his kids back in a Tyler Perry film. Actually, that doesn’t make my point, as we have all been in one or more Tyler Perry films. But he also dominated the screen in Luther, the BBC series where Elba gets to play the flip of Stringer Bell — the crafty detective that is on a mission to crack cases. It doesn’t matter the accent or the role, Elba has mass range.



More Range: Thor » 28 Weeks Later » Obsessed » The Count of Monte Cristo » The Big C

6 Barry Pepper
No, not the guy from The Hangover. That’s Bradley Cooper and he’s not on this list. Barry Pepper might be the most underrated actor in Hollywood. He popped up on our screens in films like Saving Private Ryan and The Green Mile. Then he totally nailed the role of Roger Maris in 61* and by then he was on his way to an outstanding career. He should win awards for his portrayal of Bobby Kennedy in The Kennedys mini-series, and even played a killer cowboy in True Grit. He nailed the classic line from that film, yelling at Jeff Bridges, “I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man!” He did the original proud.



More Range: The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada » Flags of Our Fathers » Casino Jack » Like Dandelion Dust » Knockaround Guys

5 Marisa Tomei
Marisa Tomei is an American treasure. She’s drop dead gorgeous, sure, but she is also an amazing actress. There’s a reason George Costanza fell in love with her on Seinfeld, and we all fell in love with her in My Cousin Vinny.



But she also made your emotions crumble with her In the Bedroom role, broke your heart (and Mickey Rourke’s) in The Wrestler and made you wish you had a mother like her in Cyrus.



More Range: Happy Accidents » Danika » Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead » War Inc. » Factotum

4 Cate Blanchett
Blanchett has been nominated for 4 Oscars, and won for her amazing portrayal of Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator. She also wowed moviegoers as Queen Elizabeth not once, but twice, and played Bob Dylan in I’m Not There and killed in Notes On a Scandal. Oh, and she even made Bandits worth watching. So if you can play the Queen, Hepburn and save a film with Billy Bob Thornton and Bruce Willis, that show you have major range.



More Range: The Talented Mr. Ripley » Oscar and Lucinda » The Gift » The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou » The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

3 Christian Bale
Bale might not be the nicest guy to work with if you are on the crew, but dude can act and play almost anything. He nailed the role of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, masterfully played the Batman/Bruce Wayne combo in The Dark Knight, dropped about 60 pounds to play the sleep-deprived Trevor Reznik in The Machinist, and showed off amazing “gun-kata” in Equilibrium. He can even rock the Boston accent as he did in his outstanding performance in The Fighter.



More Range: 3:10 to Yuma » Rescue Dawn » I’m Not There » Terminator Salvation » Public Enemies

2 Alec Baldwin
“Put that coffee down! Coffee’s for closers only.” Baldwin had certainly done plenty of work before he uttered that line — and dominated one of film’s most memorable scenes — but it was GlenGarry Glen Ross that signified his arrival as a heavy hitter in Hollywood. The younger generation may know him best for his Jack Donaghy role on 30 Rock, or even his frequent stints as host of SNL. But they would do well to go see him as Old Man Dunphy in Outside Providence, the failing husband and father in Lymelife, and as the lead in It’s Complicated. Baldwin even makes Capitol One commercials fun.



More Range: The Departed » Running with Scissors » The Cooler » Path to War » State and Main

1 Phillp Seymour Hoffman
“This is our concern, Dude.” With all his outstanding roles you might have forgot that Phillip Seymour Hoffman was in The Big Lebowski. He also brought “sharted” into the pop culture lexicon in Along Came Polly.



Hoffman can make us laugh, but he has moved us emotionally in so many ways over the years. He blew us away as Truman Capote, made us cringe and laugh as Scotty in Boogie Nights and was a believable Rastafarian in Jack Goes Boating. He moved us as the helpless huffer in Love Liza, the degenerate gambler in Owning Mahowny and was as cool as they come as Lester Bangs in Almost Famous. Hoffman may have the most range in all of Hollywood.



More Range: Cold Mountain » Magnolia » Flawless » Doubt » Hard Eight



Originally published on July 26, 2011.

There is a point early in all of our lives when we just aren’t developed enough to make certain decisions for ourselves. So, it’s up to our parents to make those decisions for us. Unfortunately, this includes the areas of style and grooming. And chances are if your mom ]]>

There is a point early in all of our lives when we just aren’t developed enough to make certain decisions for ourselves. So, it’s up to our parents to make those decisions for us. Unfortunately, this includes the areas of style and grooming. And chances are if your mom thinks it’s cute, then you’re pretty much doomed. We’ve all been through it, so it’s up to us to protect the defenseless children growing up today. Here’s a list of some horrible haircuts that parents need to stop giving their children.

9 The Bowl Cut

Made popular for dorks everywhere by Moe from The Three Stooges, it’s hard to believe that this kids hairstyle is still making the rounds. The fact that this ‘do is prominently featured on Jim Carrey’s head in a film called Dumb & Dumber should be reason enough for parents to turn to any other possible style before this one. Plus, if your kid is fat, it just looks like he got his head stuck while licking the butter from the bottom of a popcorn bowl.

8 The Jimmy Neutron

Unless you’ve somehow managed to give birth to a cartoon or a certain famous redheaded late night talk show host, then this is another style to avoid. The only reason to style your child’s hair like this is if he needs those extra couple inches to ride the roller coaster at your local amusement park or he happens to be playing Gozer in his school’s play version of Ghostbusters.

7 The Bieber

This is obviously a more recent trend, but one that should be stopped immediately. Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you want to actually see your child’s smiling face? On the other hand, if your kid happens to be ridiculously ugly… then by all means, let that hair grow until he looks like a young Cousin It.

6 The School Picture Day

Mothers, don’t overly gel your little boy’s hair. It’s just gonna get messed up the minute he leaves your sight anyway. Also, don’t ever use your own saliva to push his bangs out of the way. We’re humans, not cats. Are you yourself ever able to look back at your own elementary school class pictures and not cringe? Didn’t think so. So help your kids out here… Let’s start with not combing your kid’s hair this way. We’ll get to the clip-on tie, the suspenders, and the khaki shorts another time.

5 The Mohawk

Hmmm… I’m not really sure how this one ended up on this list. This is awesome. Everyone should give their babies and young children a Mohawk. Grab those clippers and help make this world a more entertaining place. One badass baby at a time.

4 The Bart Simpson

If your child is blonde, short, and even slightly portly… please refrain from giving him any type of spikey do. We all love The Simpsons, but none of us want to walk around looking like a live-action version of one of those cartoon bastards. No hairdo from this show should be mimicked in real life unless it’s Halloween. Then again, if you’re going to do it, go all out. Cut off one finger from each of your child’s hands and dye him yellow. Don’t half ass it. The final result would provide endless hours of entertainment for all of us.

3 The Hair Helmet

Yes, you want you’re child to be safe from harm always. But just because this style has “helmet” in the title doesn’t mean it will provide protection when you’re not around. In fact, you’ll find it does quite the opposite. Send your kid off to school with this hairdo and he will most definitely come home with remnants of toilet water glistening in it.

2 The Rat Tail

The name of this style alone should push you away from thinking it’s a cute choice for your child. The Rat Tail is the distant cousin of The Mullet and should only be attached to your child’s head as a punishment. If your kid is bad, make him walk around looking like he’s got a raccoon humping his skull. The shame he experiences during that period will put him on his best behavior for many years to come.

1 The Mullet

Never. This is never okay. Either go short or go long. Just because you’re indecisive doesn’t mean your kid should have to suffer. Give your child this hairdo and he’s on his way to a life of Pabst Blue Ribbon drinking, cow tipping, and greased-pig wrestling… Okay, that actually sounds pretty fun, but the hair still looks horrible.


Originally published on November 11, 2010.

The female body comes in many shapes and sizes, some (like a medium-sized hourglass) are generally pleasing to a man and others (like a large eggplant) aren’t. But have you ever noticed a woman who has a natural affinity for knowing how to dress sexy? It gives her attractiveness ]]>

The female body comes in many shapes and sizes, some (like a medium-sized hourglass) are generally pleasing to a man and others (like a large eggplant) aren’t. But have you ever noticed a woman who has a natural affinity for knowing how to dress sexy? It gives her attractiveness and femininity a serious edge. And then sometimes there are girls who will don an unconventional outfit or piece of clothing that makes them look incredible even if they don’t realize it. Here are some things we love to see women wearing (besides nothing at all, of course). What are some of your favorite outfits on the ladies?

7 Our Clothes

Whether it’s collared button-down shirts, mesh shorts or a full-on lumberjack outfit (sans beard, thank you very much), you look hot in our clothing. Just leave the banana hammocks to us. Actually, no…no one should ever wear a banana hammock.

6 Yoga Pants

Soft, form-fitting and allowing a full range of motion and flexibility, yoga pants are the ultimate pants when it comes to covering up every inch of leg flesh and still being fun to look at. Even if you don’t do yoga, you can feel free to wear these around us any old time.

5 Suspenders/Overalls

There’s just something about these…and so God help me, I don’t quite know what that is. Maybe it’s the fact that overalls and suspenders unhook so easily? Maybe it’s because they accentuate the bust? Whatever it is, me-likee.

4 Braless

Free-boobing it is wonderful thing, but it should be used sparingly. Do you know what happens when women start forgoing their over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder at all times? Let me enlighten you:


-People get boob-slapped in the face

-When the boobs aren’t busy being unleashed they’re sagging at an accelerated rate

-Her new status as a free-boober automatically makes her associated with the likes of a bra-burning hippie


So, while we do enjoy it, let’s keep this one under wraps and only bust it out for special occasions.

3 Mini Skirts/Hot Pants/Short Shorts

Mini-skirts are definitely attention grabbers. But since men are visual beasts, don’t wear one of these unless you want to turn some heads. Because like the Amish, we hope you’ll turn the other cheek too.

2 Clothes That Don’t Fit

Save for a lady with a distinct muffin top and absolutely no sense of her waist size, outfits that are just a smidge too tight can look pretty hot on a girl. Same goes for baggy clothes, because it adds a layer of mystery to what’s going on inside.

1 The Hand Bra

Before I talk about hand bras, I need to make sure you know that the person in the above photo is a man. Okay, moving on…

Hand-bras are great. I think they’re better than underboob, sideboob, topboob, and tripleboob (the only documented case of this was in Total Recall, so don’t get your hopes up) combined. And bonus points if the surface area of her hands just don’t cover it.

Even famous people get old. They do their best to disguise this from you via plastic surgery, incredibly expensive skin cream containing stem cells from ground up homeless babies, and other assorted arcane beauty rituals too terrible and horrifying to describe here. Some of them are so good at ]]>

Even famous people get old. They do their best to disguise this from you via plastic surgery, incredibly expensive skin cream containing stem cells from ground up homeless babies, and other assorted arcane beauty rituals too terrible and horrifying to describe here. Some of them are so good at this that no one really realizes they’ve gotten old until they fall and break a hip or end up on the Oscars telecast the next year in the “In Memoriam” part of the show. And then everyone turns to their friends and says “Damn, who knew?” Who knew, indeed. Well, you will, thanks to this handy little guide we’ve put together of 15 famous folks who are older than you think.

15 Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Age: 51


Yes, that’s right, Elaine from Seinfeld is the same age as your mother. The good news is that now all your creepy Elaine fantasies (I know you have them you degenerate animals) will also include her cutting the crusts off your sandwiches and doing your laundry on weekends. The bad news is that after having one of these fantasies you will need either years of intense therapy or a power drill to stick in your ear if you don’t have health insurance. So, uh, have fun with that.

14 Ralph Macchio
Age: 50


Yup, the Karate Kid is 50. Ralph Macchio is 50. 50. Sorry, just trying to wrap my head around that. To be fair, he looks surprisingly good for his age. I mean, given the way his career went you would figure that he would look like a methed out version of Skeletor by now or like Mickey Rourke’s ballsack. But nope, he still has that boyish face that made every dude who knew karate on multiple continents want to terrorize him. I’m just saying, sure Mr. Miyagi is dead but with today’s new hologram technology, they could totally pull off another Karate Kid flick. Yeah, it would kinda sad and embarrassing but so is Battleship and they still made that shit.

13 Denzel Washington
Age: 57


Denzel Washington seems like he’s almost ageless, doesn’t he? He’s one of those rare actors where age is just never an issue. That’s why he can get away with playing the same character over a twenty year span like he did in American Gangster without it being weird. That’s also why no one probably realizes he’s only a few short years away from getting the senior citizen discount at the movie theater or eating dinner at four o’clock in the afternoon. I’m sure the ravages of time will start to show up sooner or later but for now, Denzel just has one of those faces that just never seems to change, which is why I’m guessing that he’ll still play the lead role in the Nick Cannon biopic in 2045 after Nick Cannon becomes infamous for drowning Mariah Carey in a bathtub sometime in the next thirty years. You know I’m right. About all of it.

12 Madonna
Age: 53


Madonna is still desperately hanging onto her image as a sex icon with her lizard-like talons and because of that everyone still thinks of her in those terms but really, the next time she tries to hump a stage in a wedding dress she’ll probably just end up breaking her hip. Perhaps the time has come to applaud her just for staying buff into her fifties instead of mocking her for her gaunt, ropey physique. I mean, after all, she could probably kick my ass and most of yours too. To be fair, she’s able to stay ahead of the game by sucking the life essence from everyone around her, kinda like the Mummy but still, goddamn, those arms are like the arms of a Terminator. I’m not sure whether this means we need Brendan Fraser or John Connor to defeat her in the end but for now, let’s just all agree to stay out of her way.

11 William Shatner
Age: 81


Shatner kinda has that weird Betty White thing going on where no matter how old he gets we still think of him as sort of ageless. Sure, we know he’s old but if you asked 100 people how old they think Shatner is, I’m guessing only a tiny, tiny percentage would guess that he’s actually over 80. Leonard Nimoy is easier to peg because his head and face increasingly look like a statue from Easter Island as he gets old, but Shatner? He seems like he’s perpetually in his early 60s, right? But he’s actually 81 which means we all have to start preparing for a world in which Captain Kirk boldly goes where, well, everyone eventually goes: the mortuary.

10 Tom Cruise
Age: 49


It’s not so much that Tom Cruise is 49 years old – I think people would accept that number, at least on the surface – but it’s that in only a couple of months Tom Cruise will turn 50, and well, I don’t think people are ready to live in a world in which Tom Cruise is 50. There is just something about that that feels… wrong. I think it’s because he hasn’t really seemed like he’s aged all that much since playing Maverick in Top Gun. I mean, yeah, his face is a bit more weathered but let’s give credit where credit is due – the man might actually be a vampire. He’s like some unholy combo of Lestat, Maverick and Xenu: Warrior Princess. He might never actually die. Damn, maybe we all should get the ol’ Thetans flushed out.

9 Julianne Moore
Age: 51


Julianne Moore didn’t really become famous until she was in her 30s so it shouldn’t really be a huge surprise that she has pushed past 50. But still, does she really look much different now than she did in Boogie Nights? No, which is all the more impressive when you consider that most people with her skin tone and hair color (Species: Gingerus Americanus) start to look like the old Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade after he sips out of the wrong Grail as they get older. Sure, she doesn’t exactly look young but she sure as hell doesn’t look old either. Maybe the Fountain of Youth was really in Marky Mark’s pants the whole time? Who knew?

8 Johnny Depp
Age: 49


Like with Tom Cruise the idea of Johnny Depp being 50 seems incongruous at the very least. At the most, it’s an idea which seems completely batshit nuts like the sky being made out of hot dogs or Snooki being named the new Surgeon General. There’s no way Johnny Depp can be 50, right? Well get ready because in only a few short weeks, the dude is going to hit that milestone. I suggest we all celebrate it by moving to France and banging supermodels and smoking out of ostentatious cigarette holders while we laugh and swim in a pile of money. It’s what he would want and who are we to deny his birthday wishes? Fine, I’ll do it for all of us. You’re welcome, world. You’re welcome.

7 Tom Skerritt
Age: 79


That’s right, Maverick’s mentor is almost 80 years old now. I guess it makes sense when you consider that Top Gun was made over 25 years ago now and even in that, Skerritt was kind of an oldster. But still, you’re never really prepared for when someone you watched as a kid turns out to be knockin’ on heaven’s door, you know? Sure, sure, there’s the occasional heroin related accident or – in probably Val Kilmer’s case – the occasional ham sandwich related accident that sends them riding to Valhalla on their spirit horse but old age? Man, that just bums me out. I refuse to let any of the actors I watched as a child get any older. Goddammit, this article is starting to depress me…

6 Jennifer Tilly
Age: 53


That big boobed poker playing lady that you can’t stop lusting after? Yeah, she’s the same age as your mom. Think about THAT the next time you’re pawing at yourself at 2:00 AM, half-drunk, watching poker on the Travel Channel while she wins hand after hand using only the power of her magical Two-Pair. Just remember that she is probably spending the winnings on Polly-Grip and Werther’s Originals. Either that or… or… sorry, I got distracted there. Are we sure those, er I mean she, yeah… she, is 53? Really? Screw it, I’m all in.

5 Samuel L. Jackson
Age: 63


Sam Jackson is 63 years old. Just think about that for a moment and let it sink in before we continue. The man – and Sam Jackson is most definitely The Man – is already at the age where he can start getting discounts for being an old geezer. And yet, there he is, playing Nick Fury on the big screen and sweet-talking his phone in TV commercials. It’s a testament to how badass Sam Jackson really is that when that commercial airs, the possibility at least exists that he’s thawing the icy heart of that robot vixen Siri with his talk of hot Gazpacho, right? I mean, how many 63 year-old men do you know who could pull that off? Hell, how many 63 year-old men do you know who can even operate an iPhone without having a stroke or accidentally blowing something up? And yet, there’s Samuel L. Jackson, sweet-talking Siri while making Gazpacho and no one says a goddamn thing. Now that’s a man for whom age is utterly meaningless.

4 Chuck Norris
Age: 72


Chuck Norris is such a badass that… well, actually no he’s not. He’s a 72 year-old man who probably can’t eat anything more firm than applesauce, who probably has to wear a diaper on long car rides and who fretted like an old maid until Sly Stallone agreed to soften The Expendables II until it was a Chuck Norris-approved PG-13 rated family friendly film. What a hard ass! No, but really, it’s kind of amazing that people still think that Chuck Norris could break anything other than his own hip after skipping out on his calcium supplements. You may think he’s a badass, but the dude is old as dirt.

3 Sigourney Weaver
Age: 62


When people think of Sigourney Weaver they think of her as the badass warrior chick who put the beat-down on those freaky aliens. What they don’t think about is a lady who in less than a decade will probably be sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch, her liver-spotted hands knitting a quilt for those dear aliens the next time they come to visit her. Okay fine, perhaps that’s a slight exaggeration but you can’t deny that you were pretty surprised when you saw that she was in her 60s, now can you? Don’t lie to me. It’s unbecoming. Still, like Madonna, I’m guessing she could still kick most of our asses and I’m guessing half of you would still get an erection while she was doing so. I apologize, this got weird, but again, don’t even try to lie to me.

2 Sean Connery
Age: 81


Sure, I think we all know that Sean Connery is kinda old, but in our heads we still picture him as strong and virile, James Bond in his retirement years, still crushing ass and sipping martinis. But look at that picture. That’s not just an old man, that’s an OLD man. That’s crushing up pills in the applesauce and sipping Metamucil old. The spirit of Bond has clearly left him and in its place is a dude who’s older than my grandpa – and not nearly as energetic. And my grandpa is dead. And now so is my mental image of the original Bond. Hell, the only time you’ll probably ever hear him utter that name now is when he’s saying the following: “Bond… Gold Bond. Yes, that’s right, Gold Bond Powder. I need it for my diaper rash…”

1 Harrison Ford
Age: 69


In less than a year, Harrison Ford will be 70 years old. Now, I don’t know about you but I am not prepared for a world in which Han Solo and Indiana Jones are in their 70s. That’s just an awful thought, wrong and horrible. I mean, on an intellectual level, I think we get it – after all, the dude was 35 years old when the first Star Wars came out and like me, I’m guessing a lot of you weren’t even born when that happened – but on an emotional level… nope, not ready for it. We all reeled when the dude was in his 50s and we sort of shook our head and tried to pretend that it wasn’t true when he was in his 60s but there’s no ignoring 70. There just isn’t. I mean, that’s even older than Ronald Reagan was when he was elected President and I think we can all agree that dude was OLD. Try to imagine Ronald Reagan playing Indiana Jones in 1981. You can’t do it, can you? At least not without laughing. But that’s where we find ourselves today with Harrison Ford, which is such a depressing thought that there was no way anyone else could have been number one on this list.

Men are supposed to be rugged, muscled, bearded, penis-wielding, nomadic, woodsmen sorts who pillage, plunder, ravage, unearth and dominate, but certainly don’t ever, ever cry. But today, men fill many roles and are much more in tune with their non-manly sides, limited as those times may be. Here are ]]>

Men are supposed to be rugged, muscled, bearded, penis-wielding, nomadic, woodsmen sorts who pillage, plunder, ravage, unearth and dominate, but certainly don’t ever, ever cry. But today, men fill many roles and are much more in tune with their non-manly sides, limited as those times may be. Here are seven times it’s perfectly okay for a guy to let loose his emotions like a blubbering three year-old.

7 When Good Food is Lost Forever

It was a warm day in April of 2002. I had just picked up a delicious twelve-inch submarine sandwich; lightly toasted bread, crispy shredded lettuce, slices of sweet tomato, a liberal shmear of mayonnaise and a juicy chicken breast, lovingly grilled, then cut into strips and arranged on top of melted provolone cheese. I was ravenous and this would be my ticket to satiation salvation. But upon getting out of my friend’s truck, I tripped ever so slightly on a small crack in the driveway and watched in horror as six out of the twelve inches of my sandwich slid out of the wax paper in slow motion and splattered, open-faced on the gravel below. I was so angry, I almost burst into tears and if a profound sandwich-based loss like that ever happened again, I would weep openly and freely.

6 Upon Beholding a Beautiful, Natural Vista

Sometimes nature catches us by surprise. Whether it’s an incredible sunset, a mountain vista or a Venezuelan nude beach, it’s okay to shed a tear at the beauty of Mother Earth.

5 When a Child is Born of His Loins

Having children seems like it could be a poop and scream-filled nightmare that will last the rest of your life, but choosing to have them could also easily be the most important and best decision of your life. It’s okay to cry, just do your wife a favor and wait until after she’s done giving birth.

4 BBQ…Just BBQ

Smoked meats, salty-peppery dry rubs, sweet slatherings of sauce, rivulets of juicy flavor explosions…BBQ is like a Southern picnic on steroids and as such, the incredible aromas and visions of unbridled meat heaven can easily move a man to tears.

My brother Josh once bit into a pulled pork sandwich that was voted one of the best in the country and got misty-eyed because it was indeed, just that delicious. His salty tears were probably the only thing in the world that could improve the taste of the sandwich, because they speak of a man’s love for the wonderful tradition that is American BBQ.

3 When He’s Done Paying His Debts

Whether it’s a mortgage, school loans or alimony, unloading the massive burden of debt will bookend a financially grueling chapter of your life. Now you can spend your money on important things like drugs, hookers and online gambling.

2 When an Important Sports Icon, Political Figure or Cultural Icon Passes Away

Sometimes, we form bonds with people we’ve never met before and never will. I won’t lie, when Chris Farley passed in ‘98, it was probably the saddest celebrity death I’ve ever dealt with. For many men, the death of Reagan in ‘04, Carlin in ‘08 or Princess Di in ‘97 (Okay fine, that’s more of a female-related source of sadness) brought a tear to their eye. And that’s okay.

1 ‘Lord Of The Rings’

…or any other sweeping epic, really. You can’t fight them waterworks when it comes to the all-consuming combination of inspiring visuals, orchestral scores and a classic good vs. evil battle for all of humanity. You just can’t.

Facebook is everywhere, and we use it to keep all the people we kinda don’t want to talk to on a regular basis informed about our lives. Unfortunately, it’s also a great way to overshare. Here’s nine things you do that you need to stop, right now.

With Memorial Day on the horizon and with the media bonanza of tanning mom Patricia Krentcil, let these photos serve as a scary reminder of what too much sun can do to you. You’re not attractive with your leather skin, you don’t look hot as an Oompa Loompa and ]]>

With Memorial Day on the horizon and with the media bonanza of tanning mom Patricia Krentcil, let these photos serve as a scary reminder of what too much sun can do to you. You’re not attractive with your leather skin, you don’t look hot as an Oompa Loompa and you certainly won’t win any beauty contests with those nasty tan lines.

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Again, if you see this woman at a tanning salon with a child, call your local police. Also ma’am, I find your blackface racist.

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Not every actor is a man. And not every actor that is a man acts with manliness both on and off the screen. But, these actors encompass what it means to be hard working, ambitious heroes in the manliest ways possible; in fiction and reality.

8 Sean Connery

On screen: He’s the original James Bond, Indiana Jones’ father, and that dude from The Rock that once said, “You’ll do your best? Only losers say they’ll do their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.”



Off screen: He was knighted for his services to England (so make sure to address him as “Sir Sean Connery”) and his accent is one of the highest emulated and most recognizable in the world.

7 Christopher Lee

On screen: This 89 year-old has been acting for over 50 years and has played such weighty roles as Dracula, the dark Jedi Count Dooku from Star Wars Episodes I-III and the wizard Saruman in the Lord of the Rings movies.



Off screen: Just a couple of years ago this badass senior citizen collaborated with other musicians to create and release a symphonic metal album, chronicling the life of Charlemagne. Does your grandpa put out metal albums? I didn’t think so.

6 Harrison Ford

On screen: He’s Han Solo, Indiana Jones, the President, and the Fugitive. Harrison Ford has lent his knowledge of crafting a story and adding believability to many important roles he’s played.



Off screen: He rides a motorcycle, engages in environmental conservatism, pilots various aircraft (even rescuing a hiker who got lost and became disoriented a few years back), and is married to a woman almost 20 years his junior. And at age 69, he can still kick your ass.

5 Daniel Craig

On screen: He’s been James Bond, an amnesia-afflicted cowboy, a fierce Nazi killer, and more.



Off screen: He looks like he wants to kill you even when he’s smiling. Plus, he’s married to the gorgeous Rachel Weisz.

4 Arnold Schwarzenegger

On screen: Arnold has the most kills of any actor, possibly in just a single one of his movies. (Obviously, I’m referring to Kindergarten Cop. Brutal.)



Off screen: He was the goddamn governor of California for 8 years. Oh, and there’s an iPhone app available with loads of his quotes from various films.

3 Jason Statham

On screen: He got his star power by playing different versions of crazy British ninja hit men and outlaws, most notably as Frank Martin in The Transporter trilogy.



Off screen: Before acting, Jason was a diver for the British National Diving Squad, finishing 12th in the 1992 World Championships. He has also studied Wing Chun, kung fu, kickboxing and karate. And it shows. (Plus he’s dating a Victoria’s Secret supermodel.)

2 Bruce Willis

On screen: He’s unbreakable, John McClane, and plenty of other bald (or balding) toughies.



Off screen: In 2002, Willis purchased 12,000 boxes of girl scout cookies at the request of his daughter to send to the American Navy in the Middle East… serious father of the year points.



In 2007 Willis, doing some of his own stunts in Live Free or Die Hard sustained an injury above his right eye that showed exposed bone which he brushed off as “no big deal”… serious horrifying wound points.

1 Sylvester Stallone

On screen: Rocky and Rambo; enough said.



Off screen: At ages 60, 62 and 64, Sly Stallone played Rocky, Rambo, and Barney Ross (from The Expendables), respectively. These movies not only showed off his massively impressive blood, sweat and tears physique, but also the dedication to his characters and the stories he’s crafted for them.



Originally published on October 7, 2011.

You know the drill… you dig the girl, but the girl doesn’t dig you. When you get relegated to that role of insignificant other, it’s said you’ve landed yourself in the Friend Zone. Well, as it turns out there have been plenty of people on TV who found themselves ]]>

You know the drill… you dig the girl, but the girl doesn’t dig you. When you get relegated to that role of insignificant other, it’s said you’ve landed yourself in the Friend Zone. Well, as it turns out there have been plenty of people on TV who found themselves in this ungodly netherworld of non-sex. While many eventually crawl their way out, below are 11 classic TV characters who were at some point epically trapped in the Friend Zone.

11 Fry – ‘Futurama’

For the vast majority of Futurama, Fry desperately attempted to impress the one-eyed temptress Leela. However, his slacker average-Joe persona did little to earn her affection. Of course, all it takes to change her mind is a mild infestation of internal worms, which serve to help him increase his intelligence. However, once these worms are gone he slips back into that fabled friend zone. That is, until the final episode before the first cancellation of the series.

10 Andy Bernard – ‘The Office’

In many ways, Andy is the new Jim of The Office. While Jim was initially trapped in the Friend Zone with Pam, he quickly found his way out. Currently, Andy is on the same track with Erin. While they did date for a bit, she eventually leaves him to start up a relationship with office worm, Gabe. Now that those two have broken up, this will-they-won’t-they relationship is likely to end in sappy happiness. However, for now Andy is stuck at a table for one.

9 J.D. – ‘Scrubs’

This was one of the more obnoxious Friend Zone relationships in TV history. From the first episode, J.D. is infatuated with Elliot Reid, but his affections are rebuked for the better part of the series. Sure, they date for a while, but then they break up… and J.D. finds himself smack dab in the middle of the Friend Zone all over again. Thank God for that final episode…the saving grace for plenty of lovelorn TV character dudes (too bad us real guys don’t get one of these in real life).

8 Randy Hickey – ‘My Name is Earl’

Randy Hickey isn’t exactly the hottest iron in the fire. Nor is he the brightest crayon in the box. It’s no wonder than, that sexy motel maid Catalina considers him just a friend. Despite being married (for green card purposes), Randy still is far from considered her husband. Poor Randy… queue Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time.”

7 Fox Mulder – ‘The X-Files’

It’s pretty crazy to think that Mulder never thought about getting under that sexy trenchcoat of Scully’s until the final seasons. While the two routinely tell people (and ghosts… and Big Bad) that they are merely partners, the truth is visible to pretty much everyone else. Maybe if Mulder stopped obsessing about aliens for a couple minutes, he’d have gotten that kiss before the eighth freaking season.

6 Tony Micelli – ‘Who’s the Boss’

As the hired help to his love interest, Tony wasn’t exactly in the best position to pick up the wealthy Angela Bower. However, as these things often go (at least in television), their zany situation proved to be the glue that binds… and by the end of the show they were sitting in a tree… k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

5 Annie Edison – ‘Community’

How anyone could turn down Alison Brie is beyond me, but somehow Jeff Winger just isn’t all that interested. Throughout the first two seasons of Community, Annie has been interested in three different guys that have turned her down (Troy, Jeff and Dr. Rich). However, as we are all well aware, such would definitely not be the case in real life.

4 Finn – ‘Adventure Time’

Finn is a 13-year-old adventurer for life who can win anything but the heart of Princess Bubblegum. While the two share a bit of romance when Princess temporarily becomes 13-years-old herself, that budding romance is quickly burst when she returns to her normal 18-year-old self. What time is it!? CRY IN YOUR ROOM ALONE TIME!

3 Leonard – ‘The Big Bang Theory’

Given his uber-nerd status, Leonard’s attraction to Penny seemed like a long shot. Of course, the two did eventually wind up together for nearly a whole season. However, that didn’t last and now he’s back to being “just friends.” Hang in there, Leonard old buddy! Something tells me your luck will change once that final season rolls around.

2 Niles Crane – ‘Frasier’

Ah yes… how many of us haven’t had that sexy maid fantasy? For upper-crust Niles Crane, his love for Daphne Moon was long stunted by his unfortunate marriage to Maris. However, even when this marriage ended, it took him years to finally express his true feelings. Success… they eventually get married. Too bad it only took him ten years to get there.

1 Ross Geller – ‘Friends’

Ross is the ultimate example of Friend Zone success. Over the show’s ten seasons, a variety of hurdles keep the two from becoming more than just friends. However, despite a string of important relationships, Ross just can’t seem to get Rachel out of his head. Though they dated for about a year (and even got married), things take a turn when Ross thinks the two are “on a break.” Finally that lucky series finale rolled around and the two found eternal happiness that is oh so common in the world of television.



Originally published on August 19, 2011.

Pick-up lines don’t really work, unless of course your aim is just to break the ice. But the funnier they are, the better chance you have at segueing them into a real conversation. When we think of pick-up lines, we’re usually imagining some sleazy guy (note: to be fair, ]]>

Pick-up lines don’t really work, unless of course your aim is just to break the ice. But the funnier they are, the better chance you have at segueing them into a real conversation.



When we think of pick-up lines, we’re usually imagining some sleazy guy (note: to be fair, every guy is sleazy, some just don’t have the ability to hide it) sidling up to a girl and making a comment that’s creepy and inappropriate.



We already know how many women use passive visual methods on men, but what if they started using their own active verbal techniques? These female-to-male pick-up lines could stop any guy in their tracks.

10 I must be an astronaut, because I want to go to Urpenis.

9 Do we know each other? Cuz’ you look like my next boyfriend!

8 I want you so bad I just stopped having my period.

7 Are you Superman? Cuz’ I think you got buns of steel!

6 You Tarzan, me Jane.

5 Hey boy, that hot dog looks like it needs some buns!

4 Do you work at Subway, cuz’ you definitely got that footlong.

3 Did you just fart? Because you are blowing me away!

2 I hope you work for UPS so you can deliver that package I’ve been waiting for.

1 Can I buy you a drink?

Life would be pretty great if it wasn’t for, you know, all the other people. That’s where we come in. We’re here, keen observers of the human condition, to let you know what type of people you can expect to run into in all kinds of situations. We’ve already ]]>

Life would be pretty great if it wasn’t for, you know, all the other people. That’s where we come in. We’re here, keen observers of the human condition, to let you know what type of people you can expect to run into in all kinds of situations. We’ve already taken a look at people on the beach, at the mall, movie theaters and all manner of social milieus. This time, we’re here to take a look at the bookstore. Yes, the bookstore. Believe it or not, print is still drawing breath and people still slink into bookstores everywhere to pick up the latest copy of Swank, er, I mean the latest New York Times best seller. Hopefully, thanks to this helpful list detailing the ten types of people you see at the bookstore, the next time you find yourself amongst the crowd at Barnes and Noble, you’ll be able to survive with your sanity intact.

10 The Fantasy Geek
Ah yes, this poor chap. He can usually be immediately identified as the shifty looking fellow with the furtive eyes, slinking around the aisles looking for the latest book involving dragons or generously bechested cartoon Asian girls or sometimes both. He’s harmless – mostly because he’s more scared of you than you are of him – but don’t get too close lest the aroma of stale Cheetos dust and flat Mr. Pibb overwhelm you and bring you to your knees. The last place you want anyone to find you passed out is below the Manga rack or surrounded by Hobbits and wizards. I mean, at the very least you run the risk of being used as an unconscious prop in an impromptu Dungeons and Dragons game and let me tell you, you do not want to be defenseless around a fat dude pretending to be an orc. It won’t end well.

9 The Bargain Hunter
This poor soul doesn’t care what the book is about, all he or she cares about is whether the damn thing is in the bargain section with a sticker on it saying that it’s now 75% off. Sure, it might be a book on horticulture in 19th century Namibia or a cookbook by Jeffrey Dahmer, but they don’t care as long as it’s on sale. They’ll never read or use it but that’s their problem, not yours. The best thing you can do is just leave them to it and hope they don’t accidentally wander into the sections filled with books people actually care about. Chances are if they see one with a full price sticker on it they’ll faint right into your arms and who needs that hassle?

8 The Hipster Who Wants to Show the World He Still Reads Books
This guy can be seen parked near the poetry section or the classics, “casually” browsing through a translation of Dante or pestering the clerks about the availability of some obscure 19th century Russian novelist in a loud enough voice so that everyone can hear. Hey, everybody, this guy’s smart! And he reads shit you’ve never even heard of! He’ll scoff at you when he sees you carrying around – gasp! – a work of contemporary fiction. You could punch him in the throat and then laugh at him while he sputters in pain but I’d suggest asking him instead if he knows where to find a copy of a made up book title by a made up author, preferably with a foreign sounding name. Try something African. He’ll feel completely ashamed that he hasn’t read it and he’ll probably even flee the store. Problem solved.

7 The Man of a Thousand Questions
This dude isn’t content just to look for a book on his own. Oh no. Instead, he’ll park himself in front of a clerk and ask a thousand different questions about the book – where can he find it, is it any good, has the author written anything else, etc. which, incidentally, are all questions he could easily find out the answers to on his own. But that’s not his style. Why do a tiny little bit of legwork on your own when you can harass some poor dope making minimum wage who just wants to punch out and go home and burn all his books instead of answering all those dumbass questions. Of course, the man of a thousand questions won’t be satisfied until he’s made that poor schmo also look up a dozen other books, order four or five more – which he’ll later call up and cancel – and then to top it all off he’ll leave without buying anything. Why? Who knows?

6 Parents Who Can’t Find a Babysitter
These people are simple to identify. They’re the ones wandering around in a daze while their brats run wild, grabbing everything off the shelves they can get their grubby little hands on, whining and begging and pleading for the 68th book in a never-ending series of dumb children’s books that are all the same. Sure, it offers the parents a little bit of a respite. They can let their kids be everybody else’s problem for a while but for everyone else, seeing a group of kids entering a book store is akin to seeing Bobby Brown wander into a crack den. You know there will be inappropriate laughter, shouting and tears, some mild property damage will occur and at some point someone will probably shit their pants.

5 The Man Who Makes Himself at Home
This dude pulls a book off the shelf and then sits down to read it right there in the middle of the store. He has no intention of buying it. Why do that when you can just read it right there? Of course, he has to make sure he’s comfortable too and he’ll pop his shoes right off. He might take a nap somewhere in the middle of his tome and then he’ll get up, stretch and wander around for a while. He might grab some coffee and a bagel, pop open his laptop and surf the web for a while in between chapters and then he’ll take the book into the bathroom for some light reading while he takes a dump. And then when he’s done he’ll put it back on the shelf, pack up and leave without buying a thing. Just leave him be unless you catch him shaving in the bathroom or something.

4 The Hopeless Wanderer
This poor guy doesn’t have a clue what he’s looking for. He’s not even sure why he’s there other than he received a gift card for his birthday eleven months ago and has to use it before it expires. He’ll roam every aisle, looking for nothing in particular. He’ll get in your way and he’ll just stand there reading a different book every five minutes, oblivious of the fact that you need to grab that one book right in front of him. In the end, he’ll just wander out with a couple of magazines and a novelty calendar, never realizing that you were only minutes away from giving him a judo chop and then beating him half to death with the collected works of Jane Austen.

3 The Social Butterflies
These people seem utterly oblivious to the fact that the place is designed to, you know, sell books. Instead, they’ll find someone they know and then chat amiably for an hour or so about everything and nothing, blocking the aisle – and all the books – the whole time. To make matters worse, these are always the people who just don’t seem to care – or even notice – that they’re talking at a decibel level that would make even Ozzy Osbourne uncomfortable. You’ll have to listen to every annoying joke and every minute detail of their lives, right down to the results of little Jimmy’s little league game. If you’re lucky, you’ll manage to escape the bookstore with your sanity intact and without being hauled away in handcuffs for brutally murdering someone with a copy of War and Peace.

2 The Book Club Member
This person doesn’t even seem to be aware that there any other books in the store other than the ones personally recommended by Oprah. They’re afraid of anything that doesn’t have the words New York Times Bestseller on them or the name Nicholas Sparks. They’re not there because they want to read but because they have a desperate need to find something to talk to their boring friends about. I mean, there’s only so much a person can drink. At some point you have to talk about something and what’s better than the latest tale of an Afghani orphan who lost his kite while his girlfriend was dying from cancer and can’t remember his name because of the amnesia brought on by years of sustained drug abuse and the harrowing struggle with sobriety that followed? Not a goddamn thing, according to Oprah.

1 The Vampire Groupies
Good God, these are everywhere. They have descended upon bookstores in such terrible numbers that now stores have entire sections devoted to “Paranormal Teen Romance.” If that sounds ridiculous, it’s because it is. If that sounds too ridiculous to be true, well… just go to your local bookstore and then weep for the future. But while you’re there be careful to avoid the roving bands of goths and middle-aged women desperate to find the next tale of a brooding vampire werewolf with an English accent, six-pack abs and an unhealthy fixation on teenage girls. And God help you if you suggest that there’s something creepy about a 168 year-old man who literally drinks human blood stalking a 16 year-old girl. You’ll never leave the bookstore alive. You’ve been warned.

Unless they’re in a committed and happy relationship, women tend to (tend to, I said) need multiple reasons for hopping in the sack with a lover. These reasons usually just manifest themselves into an overall feeling of yes or no, but the point is that it’s so much more ]]>

Unless they’re in a committed and happy relationship, women tend to (tend to, I said) need multiple reasons for hopping in the sack with a lover. These reasons usually just manifest themselves into an overall feeling of yes or no, but the point is that it’s so much more complicated than men, who usually just cite “sex” as the reason for…WANTING TO HAVE SEX. That’s a head-scratcher, I know.



But, if women only knew the health benefits sex has to offer, then maybe their sex drive wouldn’t drop off while their boyfriends are still at 18-year-old levels. Someone should make a guide to be shared with all sexually active women-folk. Oh, wait someone’s already done that? Yes it’s true, and you’re reading it.



Just keep in mind that if you’re a selfish or inept lover, then this won’t do much good for your girl (i.e. she’s going to need to magna cum laude to enjoy the benefits detailed below). What are you waiting for? Spread the gospel!

9 It Reduces Anxiety

Orgasms lead to a state of relaxation. It’s the reason that many feel immobilized after the damn deed is done. You can’t pay for that type of tension relief. Oh wait, yeah I guess you can…

8 It Improves Fitness

Screw the gym; stay home and burn fat and calories the ways the Romans used to do it! (Sans slave torture or group orgies in the grand throne room, of course.) Lose weight, boost your stamina and maintain or build muscle mass for an increased metabolism all at once. It’s a win/win/win. So much win!

7 It Lowers Your Risk of a Heart Attack

Again, sex can be a very good work out, strengthening your cardiovascular system and minimizing the effects that aging can have on a heart.

6 It Reduces Your Appetite

Orgasms are apparently so satisfying that you won’t be hungry anymore after having one. I suppose that’s a stretch, but they do release natural amphetamines that reduce cravings. Not that I’m suggesting you should eat all that Indian take-out you just ordered before sex…because honestly, that could get pretty tragic.

5 It Makes You Younger Looking

There was a study done involving 3,500 women over a 10 year span where the scientists found that participants who looked the youngest for their age had reported having sex 3+ times per week as opposed to the control group of women who were having sex around twice per week. Let’s stay young.

4 It Improves Your Self Esteem

If you’re having sex often and begin to get used to the vulnerability of it all, then it’s not actually vulnerability anymore, is it? The more sex you have with the right person, the easier it becomes to accept your body, your attitude toward it and the needs of yourself and your partner.

3 It’s a Pain Reliever

Would you really rather take Tylenol instead of having a big, fat orgasm? That was a rhetorical question, so don’t be ridiculous. Orgasms are a natural pain reliever. Headaches? Gone. Menstrual cramps? OBLITERATED. Okay, perhaps that’s not a very good word to describe pain relief, but you get it.

2 It’ll Help You Sleep

It’s like being shot gently with a tranquilizer dart, if such a thing exists. This will help you get to sleep and stay asleep better.

1 It’s Instant Gratification…

…so go for it!

High quality cameras in phones means people can take a picture and share it at any given moment. Normally this would be a good thing, but most people aren’t taking well composed photos of interesting subject matter. Instead, they are abusing this new technology with terribly cliché photos. The ]]>

High quality cameras in phones means people can take a picture and share it at any given moment. Normally this would be a good thing, but most people aren’t taking well composed photos of interesting subject matter. Instead, they are abusing this new technology with terribly cliché photos. The list is long, but we’ve narrowed down the 9 worst offenses out there today.

Sponsored by

9 Bathroom Mirror Pictures
Mirror pictures didn’t start with the invention of the camera phone, but they certainly multiplied because of it. While there are plenty of galleries of sexy mirror shots, the vast majority of them are ugly, awkward, or worse. No one wants to see the awful art on your bathroom walls, how many plies you use, or how filthy your shower is. Unfortunately these are all side effects of taking pictures of yourself in the mirror. It’s easy to avoid. Just don’t take the picture. If you absolutely must though, point the camera at yourself and only use the mirror to see the viewfinder. Due to anatomy, your arm will reach just far enough to get you in the shot and not the rest of your surroundings.

8 Food Porn
Food porn has really taken off since phones became better at shooting in low light. Anytime I find myself out to dinner somewhere nicer than Chipotle, I see someone who takes a picture of their meal the second it hits the table. For some reason people think that we all want to know what they’re having for dinner. If it’s the dessert table at Alinea I’ll allow it, but no one cares what your Grand Slam from Denny’s looks like. Unless you get paid to write about food or you’re trying something exotic, there’s no reason anyone needs to know what you’re eating. Just pick up your fork, put the food in your mouth, chew, swallow, repeat until you’re a member of the clean plate club. Your phone shouldn’t come out of your pocket unless you’re texting a friend to call you and pretend like it’s an emergency so you can get out of a bad date.

7 Concert Pictures
If you’ve been to a concert in the last ten years, you undoubtedly seen 1000′s of phones held up to take pictures. I’d be willing to bet I can describe 95% of those photos for you without having seen them. There are some lasers, some bright lights (probably blue), and a stage with a few indistinguishable people on it. Congrats, now have a totally unique and original picture that a million other people have taken. You might as well throw it on Instagram, distort it a little more, and pretend like you’re a professional band photographer. The question is, would you go to the concert alone? No, obviously not. Concerts are all about the shared experience, so have someone take a picture of you and your friends with the stage in the background instead. You’ll save the great memory from the night and have just as good of an image of the stage as you would have with your hand over your head like an idiot.

6 Girls Squatting Down
For some strange reason, women in groups feel the need to squat down for pictures. My first instinct was to assume the taller ladies are simply trying to not appear like giants next to their 5-foot friends, but you’ll notice even the short stacks are squatting. The next thought was they wanted to ensure that their shoes they care so much about were in the shot, but I’ve yet to see the picture with framing/cropping to support that. The only remaining explanation is that either there is a gravitation glitch surrounding groups of women or they are just slightly insane. In both cases, there’s an easy solution. Just stop. Stand up like normal human beings. Guys almost all go a little nuts for a nice set of legs, so why would anyone try to minimize them for a picture. There are plenty of upright sexy poses, but this isn’t one of them.

5 Statue Molestation
Inexplicably, people feel the need to molest inanimate objects. Nearly every street level statue in America has been caressed, cupped, licked, or straddled. It’s hard to explain people’s need to pose with statues and cardboard cutouts, but it’s impossible to walk by one without taking a stupid picture and uploading it to Facebook. We’ve all done it. The ladies are the worst too because they toy with our emotions. If they really wanted to molest something, most of us would certainly have volunteered. But instead they go on pretending they like doing incredibly slutty things so long as there can be no reciprocation. If you must show off that awesome statue of Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench, sit next to him and pretend like you’re sharing a Big Mac. The guy could probably use some non-child company.

4 Awkward Fingers
It was tough to choose between fake gang signs, peace signs, chunking the deuce, bunny ears, and middle fingers, so they all make the cut. Once the camera comes out, people completely lose track of what to do with their hands. It’s as if we all instantaneously turn into Ricky Bobby after his first big win. Let’s be clear though, you aren’t in a gang, you probably aren’t an Asian tourist (stereotypes FTW!), and your middle finger isn’t scaring or offending anyone. Stop ruining every picture I’m trying to send to my mother as proof of life. If you can’t pose like a reasonable human being, you shouldn’t be in the photo. Stand there and smile. I’ll even let you get away with a hover hand if you’re scared of psychical contact.

3 Duck Face
For the love of all that is great about photographs, please stop doing this. We men have plenty of stupid poses, but there is nothing worse than women rocking the duck face. I don’t know who the first one to think this looked good was, but I hope they met a horrible end. The name alone should give them a clue that no one likes this bastardized version of Blue Steel.  I know women try to claim that it’s a kissy face, but have you ever seen someone make that face in the throes of passion? More importantly, would you kiss that face? I wouldn’t. Just smile for the picture. Women may be into that whole brooding look, but guys are a sucker for a beautiful smile.

2 Sexting Pics
This cliche shot shouldn’t really need to be addressed, but the issue just won’t seem to go away. Guys, I hate to break it to you, but no one wants to see your nether regions. I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true. Just because you would love for your girlfriend, or even a stranger, to send you a picture of herself in various states of undress, that doesn’t mean she wants the same thing. Let’s be honest with ourselves here; it’s doesn’t make for a pretty picture. It also causes nothing but trouble. You aren’t going to get laid because you show a woman what you have to offer, and if she’s repulsed enough, it’s a fast train to the the sex offender list for you. If you do have the sort of lady that requests a picture, she likely still doesn’t mean the thunder down under.  There’s a reason that Playboy’s circulation numbers dwarf Playgirl’s, so either keep that phone in your pocket or stick with a shot of that ugly mug of yours.

1 Pregnancy/Sonogram Pictures
People love posting pregnancy pictures on Facebook. A picture here and there is fine by me. You’re excited; I get it. When the album turns into a weekly self-portrait it’s time to shut it down. It’s fine to document that for your own enjoyment, but there’s no reason to constantly upload photos of yourself getting bigger an inch at a time. Even worse is the scanned sonogram. I barely want to see a picture of your baby, but now I have to see constant updates about your unborn child? Half the time I can’t even tell where the kid is, and when I can, you should be reported for uploading kiddie porn. Yeah, that kid’s naked, remember? The fact that I can “see it’s a boy” isn’t cute; it’s disturbing. Feel free to continue taking the pictures, but either keep them on your computer, make a scrap book, or just share them with your parents. No one else cares.

When perusing the ladies’ dating profiles guys will often come across things they don’t like that broadcast a lack of originality among other less than desirable attributes. These things can be worth laughing at or they can just be incredibly annoying. A lot of these examples could easily be ]]>

When perusing the ladies’ dating profiles guys will often come across things they don’t like that broadcast a lack of originality among other less than desirable attributes. These things can be worth laughing at or they can just be incredibly annoying. A lot of these examples could easily be on men’s profiles as well, but since I’m straight (‘Murica!), I don’t tend to see the ridiculous things guys display to the female population. What are your dating profile pet peeves?

7 “I love to go out or stay in!”

So, let me get this straight: You can have fun when you’re out? You can also have fun when staying in? Me too! Omgsoulmatemarriagebabiesforever.

6 “I’m a lot like Liz Lemon (by the way if you don’t know who that is then we probably won’t get along).”

Does it seem to you like every other woman on a dating site thinks she’s Liz Lemon from 30 Rock? We get it: Liz is cute but awkward, successful yet imperfect, sexy yet self-deprecating. But no one is quite like her (no, not even Tina Fey) and if you say you totally are, then you’re just trying to be.

5 “I don’t know what to write about myself.”

Annnd you just wasted both of our time. If you don’t know the real you well enough to express yourself (even when you have the time to sit down and type it out) then you may just attract someone who doesn’t know how to do it either. Instead of saying you don’t know what to write, just list some of your likes and dislikes. Either that, or make sure you have some awesome shots of the “cleave” so the less discerning men will get distracted and message you anyway.

4 “I’m very easy going and laid back and I’m looking for someone who is the same.”

When I hear someone talk about how important it is to be laid back and that they’re looking for someone super easy going I imagine a couple of brain-deads who have no opinions, avoid dealing with problems and refrain from putting real heart or passion into anything. All because they’re way too “laid back” to give a sweet damn, right?

3 “No games/no drama!”

Okay, obviously you’re someone who has attracted or created so much drama in your life that you feel the need to say you don’t want any more of it right off the bat. Your hotness had best outweigh your craziness.

2 “I want to find my prince charming/I want to be treated like a princess.”

Any woman who feels the need to express this loves the idea of being swept off her feet, overcome by love and never looking back. What she doesn’t realize is that compatibility, intimacy and companionship are far more important to long-lasting love than infatuation, passion and fantasy fulfillment are. Plus, princes and princesses are usually dicks.

1 Duck Face/Crouching Pics/Group Face Smash Pics

Show us a pic of yourself doing something cool, not a pic of your face smashed into your friend’s faces with drinks raised up while your purse your lips into duck face and all bend your knees group shot sorority-style and we can’t even tell which one is actually you because you all have the same make-up on. Okay, I’m gonna take a breath now.

Movies have a way of both reflecting culture and shaping it at the same time. Nowhere is this truer than in movies about college. For years, wide eyed freshman have arrived on campus expecting to see scenes reminiscent of those from their favorite college movies. They try to emulate ]]>

Movies have a way of both reflecting culture and shaping it at the same time. Nowhere is this truer than in movies about college. For years, wide eyed freshman have arrived on campus expecting to see scenes reminiscent of those from their favorite college movies. They try to emulate them -– whether consciously or subconsciously –- in an effort to live out those wild, debauched times immortalized on film. They throw toga parties, they drunkenly dance in basements to “Shout” and they live life like they’re actors in some giant movie. That’s why we’ve gathered here today to celebrate these twelve college movies. And since college is all about education -– at least a little bit, anyway -– we figured it would be a good idea to take a look at what we learned from each one of these masterpieces. Shall we?

12 ‘Van Wilder’
The Plot: The quintessential career student and party animal wards off the evils of the real world through a series of never-ending parties with the help of his friends and his damn near sociopathic devotion to having a good time. At least until the money ship stops sailing, he falls for an uptight girl and the realization that college must end someday forces him to… grow up? Naaaaaah.



What We Learned: That if you just smile and bullshit your way through life, everything will work out fine. Also, throwing parties is spiritually rewarding and will eventually land you the girl of your dreams. Just like real life!

11 ‘Higher Learning’
The Plot: Everyone hates each other on the most militant college campus in the world, resulting in chaos, rape and despair. Fun for the whole family!



What We Learned: College is basically the Middle East, only with more gunfights, racial tension and date rapes.

10 ‘The Waterboy’
The Plot: A retarded dude channels years of abuse into primal rage, which he then uses to propel a backwards-ass hick school into college football glory. Also, he has an odd relationship with his mother. Oh, and he hates haughty professors.



What We Learned: If you bully your team’s water boy he will later show up inexplicably playing for your arch rival and rupture your spleen. Also, going to class is for suckers. Just tackle your professor and you’ll be fine.

9 ‘Back to School’
The Plot: An old man realizes his life is bullshit and decides to go back to school in an effort to bond with his uptight dork of a son. Hijinks ensue.



What We Learned: If you’re trying to make your college’s swim team it helps to know the Triple Lindy. Also, make friends with the rich kid because there’s a chance his dad will show up and turn your dorm room into a swank penthouse. Oh, and don’t mess with Rodney Dangerfield.

8 ‘The Rules of Attraction’
The Plot: A bunch of amoral hedonists at a small liberal arts school in the Northeast have lots of sex and do lots of drugs. Oh, and did we mention that one of the main characters is the younger brother of Patrick Bateman of American Psycho fame? And that’s he’s played by James Vanderbeek a.k.a. Dawson from Dawson’s Creek? And that if you ever wanted to watch Dawson play a complete sociopath, here’s the perfect opportunity? Because those are all things that are totally true.



What We Learned: That guy or girl you’re in love with probably doesn’t even know you exist but it doesn’t really matter because, apparently, nothing matters. Also, everyone in the world is bisexual. Oh, and if Dawson tries to have sex with you, you should probably run.

7 ‘Real Genius’
The Plot: A bunch of geeks work on a project at the behest of the asshole EPA agent from Ghostbusters. Unbeknownst to them, he has some ulterior motives aside from their education. Oh, and Val Kilmer teaches an ubernerd how to enjoy life and maybe, if he’s lucky, get laid.



What We Learned: Don’t be so damn serious all the time. Have fun once in a while and if you’re a real genius then you should prank the shit out of your uptight professor, preferably with something involving popcorn and Tears For Fears. I mean, come on, use that giant brain for something useful. Oh, and if a disembodied voice tells you stop masturbating, don’t freak out, it’s probably just your friends messing with you. Either that or you’re having a severe psychotic episode. Or maybe that really is God telling you to quit playing with yourself. Who knows?

6 ‘PCU’
The Plot: A high school senior takes a campus visit to a school overrun by political correctness. He winds up in the company of a dude roughly in his sixteenth year of college (Jeremy Piven basically playing the proto-Van Wilder) and his burnout friends and together they raise hell and fight back against the school’s uptight mores.



What We Learned: Apparently a dude in his mid-thirties suffering from male pattern baldness can get away with being a college student. Also, when life starts to suck, the administration wants to kick you out of school and take your house, do the only thing you can do: throw a giant party. Oh, and those angry chicks who look and smell like a used Lollapalooza tour bus don’t like to be called chicks. They’re womynists, damn it, and your phallocentric tyranny is at an end!

5 ‘Wonder Boys’
The Plot: A burnt out professor and one time successful novelist struggles to complete the follow-up to his award winning debut. Along the way, he deals with his own marriage issues, breaks up another marriage, smokes a lot of weed, fends off the advances of an alluring coed played by a pre-zombified Katie Holmes and tries to save the soul of another one of his students, played by Spider-Man, who ends up having an affair with Iron Man. Got all that?



What We Learned: Follow your heart and let inspiration into your life. Also, chicks dig a tortured genius. And most English Lit majors are pretentious jackoffs who will suck your soul dry. But most importantly, we learned that Iron Man will seduce Spider-Man the first chance he gets.

4 ‘Revenge of the Nerds’
The Plot: Two nerds show up on campus expecting their lives to change. Instead, they are terrorized by the jock fraternity, abused by the hot girl sorority, and even have their dorm room stolen. The two then band together with the rest of the nerds on campus, start their own fraternity and proceed to run wild all over campus in a reign of terror not seen since the Mongol Empire. They stage a late night black ops assault on the sorority, sabotage the jocks’ football equipment, cheat their asses off to win the Greek Games and therefore steal the campus government, and Lewis even resorts to raping a chick in a moon room. Somehow -– I’m guessing through sheer exhaustion and fear -– the rest of the campus tells the jocks to go to hell and celebrate with the nerds and Lewis and his victim fall madly in love.



What We Learned: If you follow the example set in this movie, you will end up in federal prison. Also, exposing yourself to a blind person is known as mopery. Oh, and if you need backup, align yourself with a militant black fraternity because even Ogre can’t stand up to those guys.

3 ‘Old School’
The Plot: A trio of dudes experiencing mid-life crises band together to form their own fraternity even though they aren’t enrolled in college. Their wild parties and general debauchery become so popular amongst the real students that they soon find themselves awash in pledges to their new frat, both old and young. Persecuted by the local establishment (Jeremy Piven, with more hair here as a middle aged Dean than he had as a college student in PCU –- how does that work?) the new frat is forced to defend their honor and their survival. Along the way, they fall in love, they get divorced, and people even die. Poor Blue. Never forget.



What We Learned: College is fun for all ages and if your nickname is “The Tank” your destiny probably involves getting bombed and eventually streaking through campus. Also, if someone knocks on your door and says “I’m here for the gangbang” you might want to reevaluate your life. Oh, and most importantly, don’t let old men wrestle two topless chicks in a pool filled with K-Y Jelly. Not unless you’re prepared to sing at a funeral.

2 ‘The Social Network’
The Plot: An awkward genius of a college student creates Facebook and in the process ends up feuding with virtually every person on the face of the earth.



What We Learned: Screw school, just come up with a billion dollar idea, move to California and hang out with Justin Timberlake (and presumably the roughly one billion women who follow him around on a daily basis.) Also, hot Asian chicks who will blow you in a public bathroom on the first date probably aren’t the most stable prospects for a long term relationship. (They sure are fun though. Well, at least until they set your room on fire anyway.) Oh, and all Harvard Crew members are apparently Aryan cartoon characters.

1 ‘Animal House’
The Plot: If you don’t know the plot to Animal House then I’m pretty sure you were either born in Bhutan or you are the most culturally sheltered human being alive. In which case, this Web site probably just blew your mind.



What We Learned: College is the most debauched time in your life, class (all definitions of the word) is secondary to having a good time, nothing is more fun than getting shitfaced with all your friends and a few hundred hot, horny strangers and if you chug a fifth of Jack Daniels in under a minute and terrorize that hot coed who doesn’t close her curtains you will one day end up a Senator. Oh, and if a giant black dude asks if he can dance with your date, by all means, let the man dance with your date.



(Originally published on September 15, 2011.)

Let’s face it: when your job description includes “get punched in the head a lot,” you’re probably not going to be too stable. But these cage warriors take things to a whole new level. Welcome to the dark world of mixed martial madness. From deranged rampages to demented YouTube ]]>

Let’s face it: when your job description includes “get punched in the head a lot,” you’re probably not going to be too stable. But these cage warriors take things to a whole new level. Welcome to the dark world of mixed martial madness. From deranged rampages to demented YouTube videos, these are the most mentally unstable fighters in MMA.

7 Viacheslav Datsik

I’ll be frank with you here: Russia is a place where crazy human animals seem to do pretty well for themselves. Take a look at the life of kickboxer Viacheslav Datsik. Datsik had one of the best first fights in MMA history, knocking future world champion Andrei Arlovski out in spectacular fashion in 1999, but it was all downhill from there. After six straight losses, he retired from fighting to start a new career robbing cell phone stores. Once arrested, a psychiatric examination revealed that Datsik had severe schizophrenia, believing himself to be “Red Tarzan,” the son of Slavic god Perun.

6 Kimo Leopoldo

When Kimo Leopoldo entered the Octagon at UFC 3 to face Royce Gracie, he did so carrying a giant cross on his back. Not the actions of a particularly stable individual. Since then, Kimo has enjoyed a decent career, beating fighters like Tank Abbott and Paul Varelans before retiring from fighting in 2006. Kimo was arrested in 2009 when Tustin, California police stopped his car and ordered him out to discover that he was wearing a full Long Beach police uniform, complete with badge. He’s not a cop, in case you were wondering. A search of the vehicle produced a bag of meth as well. Later that year, rumors of his death spread around the Internet, and basically everybody believed them.

5 Junie Browning

When your nickname is “Lunatik,” you know you’re in for a wild ride. Junie Browning first started training in combat sports at the age of four, opening up his tender young brain to all kinds of damage. He took the world stage on the eighth season of The Ultimate Fighter, drinking whiskey and talking smack about everybody in the UFC up to and including Dana White. After getting released from the company, Browning was arrested for beating up three nurses at a hospital in Nevada, then fled to Thailand where he got horrifically injured in a bar brawl. In the Phuket hospital, he actually got out of his bed to track down his opponents and beat them some more before escaping with his girlfriend to live as a fugitive in Malaysia.

4 War Machine

Jon Koppenhaver, the fighter who would take the name “War Machine,” had enough trauma as a kid to warp any mind. We first saw him on season 6 of The Ultimate Fighter, when he was brought in as a replacement for Roman Mitichyan only to be eliminated in his first episode. He came back to wow crowds with a win over Jared Rollins, but was quickly cut from the organization after making sickening comments about the death of Evan Tanner. From there, it was a one-way ticket to crazytown for War Machine, including a detour into the porn industry and being thrown in jail for a brutal brawl at a birthday party. He’s currently back in the pokey after a stint as a topless host at a gay bar.

3 Lee Murray

For a tough guy, mixed martial arts can represent a legal way to batter dudes into submission, so it’s not surprising that many fighters hail from less than salubrious backgrounds. Lee Murray was born in Bermondsey, a South London slum that’s notorious for producing armed robbers. “Lightning,” as he came to be known, parlayed his knack for violence into a MMA career, beating Jorge Rivera in his only UFC fight. Unfortunately, he was dropped from the company when his myriad legal issues came to light. Right now, dude’s in Moroccan jail being held on charges in relation to the largest cash robbery in British history, and he’s not set for release for 25 years.

2 Jarrod Wyatt

Drugs and the ability to kill a man with your bare hands don’t mix. Eureka, California native Jarrod Wyatt had just come off his first pro MMA win in Resurrection Cage Fights and decided to celebrate with a little psychedelic recreation. When Wyatt and his buddy Taylor Powell drank some cups of hallucinogenic mushroom tea, they embarked on a very bad trip. The pair started going down a paranoid hole where they were convinced the Devil was on his way, and the more powerful Wyatt blew a gasket, ripping Powell’s tongue out, cutting his heart out of his chest and cooking it on the stove. Damn, that’s crazy.

1 Dan Quinn

There is literally no fighter on Earth as batcrap crazy as Dan Quinn. Former Notre Dame football player turned combat sportsman, Quinn’s been competing in the cage since 2001 against talent including Frank Mir and Jason Lambert. And now he’s living with his mother and making YouTube videos about how sugar substitute Stevia will give you eternal life if you mix it with purified water and marijuana. Quinn’s public tirades are dispatches from a truly bizarre mind, one that thinks God appeared to him and informed him of his true identity as the angel Maitreya and told him how to accomplish cold fission.

In the course of human history, there are some honors which have exceeded all others – Nobel Prizes, having a country named after you, Playmate of the Year – but there is one singular honor that trumps even those glorious achievements, and that is to have a drink named ]]>

In the course of human history, there are some honors which have exceeded all others – Nobel Prizes, having a country named after you, Playmate of the Year – but there is one singular honor that trumps even those glorious achievements, and that is to have a drink named after you. Some charmed people manage to even get rich and famous and get a drink named after them, which I believe is the final stage of enlightenment before Nirvana if I understand my Buddhism correctly. It’s these honored few to whom this list is dedicated. They are the few, the proud, they are eight famous people with drinks named after them. Feel free to honor them by getting absolutely shithammered. It’s what they’d want.

8 Robert Roy MacGregor
The Drink: Rob Roy

1 1/2 oz Scotch

1/4 oz Sweet Vermouth

Angostura Bitters for flavor

Maraschino Cherry for garnish

Rob Roy MacGregor is probably best known today as the titular character of the Liam Neeson movie, in which Neeson player MacGregor as an aggrieved Scotsman with an enormous dong. (If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about. Goddamn.) But before that, MacGregor was well-known throughout Scotland as the Scottish Robin Hood, a freedom fighter who robbed from the rich and gave to the poor. I’m sure he’s glad that his legacy consists of two things: the aforementioned big-donged portrayal by Neeson and for being the namesake of a drink which has gotten millions and millions of dudes and lady dudes drunk over the years. Now that’s a legacy a man can be damn proud of. Frankly, I’m surprised it hasn’t spawned a religion.

7 Shirley Temple
The Drink: Shirley Temple

Two parts Ginger Ale

One part Orange Juice or Lemon-Lime Soda

A splash of Grenadine

Maraschino Cherry for garnish

Sure, the drink doesn’t have any booze in it but it would be kinda weird to name an alcoholic drink after the most famous child actor in history, right? I mean, I’m sure Jon-Benet Ramsey’s parents would be all for it, but I’m guessing it would make the rest of us a little uneasy. Call me crazy. But hey, even future drunks and drunkettes need something to sip before they graduate to the big leagues and I guess Shirley Temple should be proud to be the namesake for a drink which serves as the gateway to a lifetime of alcoholism.

6 Giovanni Bellini
The Drink: Bellini

2 oz Peach Nectar

1 tsp Fresh Lemon Juice

1 oz Peach Schnapps

3 oz Prosecco (wine)

1/2 cup Crushed Ice

There are lots of different ways to make a Bellini (the above is a recipe for a Bellini cocktail) but all of them involve two things: peaches and Prosecco wine, or champagne if you feel like slumming it. So what in the hell does any of that have to do with Giovanni Bellini, the 15th century Venetian artist? Well, it turns out that when Giuseppe Cipriani invented the drink sometime in either the 1930s or ‘40s, the weird, pink color of the drink reminded him of the pinkish color of the toga of a saint painted by Bellini. See, we’re all about education here. Oh, and the occasional dick joke but you know who probably would have appreciated a good dick joke? Giovanni Bellini. He just loved dick jokes. Probably. I mean, I can’t say for sure but who doesn’t?

5 Ronnie Ortiz-Magro
The Drink: Ron-Ron Juice

In a blender, combine:

Vodka

Cranberry Juice

Watermelon Juice

Maraschino Cherries
(Damn, this is the official fruit of the drunk, isn’t it?)

Ice

Copious Amounts of Shame (optional)

Perhaps the Jersey Shore gang’s greatest contribution to our culture is this little beauty, named for its inventor, noted scientist Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, best known as that one dude who breaks shit and gets in fights every time he gets drunk or catches the scent of the female of his species. Basically, this drink is famous for turning Ronnie from Bruce Banner into the Hulk, if Bruce Banner was a half-retarded roided-out ape-man anyway. The best thing about this drink is that it apparently gives you super-human strength, allowing you to smash things like your girlfriend’s glasses and your own dignity. The worst thing about this drink is that it will apparently turn you into a humongous asshole. Like with anything in life, there are upsides and there are downsides.

4 Queen Mary I of England
The Drink: Bloody Mary

3 parts Vodka

6 parts Tomato Juice

1 part Lemon Juice

Celery Stalk or Dill Pickle Spear for garnish

There are several competing theories about just who the Bloody Mary was named after: there’s Mary Pickford, star of old Hollywood, but the evidence for that is tenuous at best, and then there are several anonymous Marys, the most mentioned of whom is a waitress named Mary who worked at a Chicago bar but she’s not famous so to hell with her. But the most commonly accepted namesake of the Bloody Mary is Queen Mary I of England, which makes sense since, well, her nickname was “Bloody Mary.” Of course, that could all just be coincidence – I mean, the drink gets its name from its bloody appearance thanks to all that disgusting tomato juice (can you tell I’m a fan?) – but that seems like a pretty big coincidence, no? Explain the Mary part then. Taken together, it just makes sense that the drink is named for Queen Mary. Just try not to remember all the Protestants she butchered to earn the nickname the next time you’re forcing one of these down during a particularly vicious hangover. Or think of them, if that helps you for some reason, you deranged freak. Who am I to judge?

3 Arnold Palmer
The Drink: Arnold Palmer

1/2 Iced Tea

1/2 Lemonade

Apparently, legend has it that some lady saw Arnold Palmer ordering this at a restaurant and then told the waitress that she wanted “that drink that Arnold Palmer is having.” The rest is, as they say, history. Of course that’s a boring story, but let’s face it, the Arnold Palmer is a boring drink named after a boring man. I mean, at least Shirley Temple had an excuse because she was a little girl. Arnold Palmer was a grown man. There’s no excuse for having your namesake drink be non-alcoholic. This is why he was always second-fiddle to Jack Nicklaus. Sure, some will say it was because he wasn’t quite as good a golfer, but we all know the real reason. I mean, Jack Nicklaus has “Jack” right in his name. Arnold Palmer has lemonade. Personally, I’m still waiting for the Tiger Woods, a drink made up of sweat, semen, shame and maybe a little spiced rum.

2 John Daly
The Drink: John Daly

1/3 Iced Tea

1/3 Lemonade

1/3 Vodka

Now we’re talkin’. A John Daly is basically just an Arnold Palmer only with a bunch of vodka poured in it. Named after John Daly, best known for hitting golf balls a mile and for being a big fat drunk, the John Daly is obviously a superior drink. Apparently, Daly himself doesn’t like it, which makes sense since he’s a recovering alcoholic (or a quitter as they’re known around these parts). But what’s sad is that apparently the man has no sense of humor about it and considers the John Daly a trademark infringement, which is bullshit because if people were really infringing on his trademark, they’d add a cup of lard and a bucket full of shame and depression into the mix. Too mean? Don’t blame me, blame the vodka. Another variation on the Arnold Palmer and the John Daly is the Happy Gilmore, which replaces Vodka with Everclear, but I wouldn’t suggest this unless you want to die and/or burn your house down. Who knew golf could be so wild?

1 Alexander the Great
The Drink: The Alexander

1/3 Gin (Substitute Brandy for Gin to make a Brandy Alexander)

1/3 Chocolate Liqueur

1/3 Sweet Cream

It’s appropriate that Alexander the Great has a drink named after him because it’s believed that perhaps the most famous conqueror in history was a drunk. Personally, I look forward to “The Neil” being a celebrated drink 3,000 years from now. Of course, I didn’t conquer Persia and Egypt before invading India like our man Alexander here, but I’m still young. As for Alexander, if he were alive today I’m sure he would consider this drink his crowning achievement – well, next to banging Rosario Dawson anyway, which wasn’t just a scene in a movie, that totally happened. Doc Brown was involved. Don’t ask. Some say having a hand in the spread of western influence throughout the world is a nobler legacy, but we all know the truth and that’s why Alexander the Great – and his drink – is number one on this prestigious list. Now, let’s all get hammered.

Okay listen, we need to have a chat. Let’s get a little dialogue going here, because there are some words I think we’ve been abusing to the point that their very meaning is being diluted. No seriously, at this rate future anthropologists will think we were all excitable, overdramatic ]]>

Okay listen, we need to have a chat. Let’s get a little dialogue going here, because there are some words I think we’ve been abusing to the point that their very meaning is being diluted. No seriously, at this rate future anthropologists will think we were all excitable, overdramatic pre-teens that didn’t have a firm grasp on our own language. And if you think I’m just ranting and raving, well then I have some news for you; you are not only not wrong, but you also may be right.

7 Epic
Definition…Heroic; majestic; impressively great.



Example of Improper Usage…”That game of Monopoly Jr. was EPIC, bro!”



From Now On…When I think of something that’s epic, I think of an armor-clad warrior with a flaming sword pointed toward the heavens which just so happen to be pouring sheets of rain and spitting tendrils of blue lightning across the sky, all to a soundtrack of heroic Norwegian death metal. Remember, unless it practically brings a tear to your eye, it’s not epic, bro.

6 Sexy
Definition…Provoking or intended to provoke sexual interest.



Example of Improper Usage…This article talks about a man who has the “sexiest” version of cerebral palsy. I’m confused, isn’t every type of cerebral palsy sexy? But seriously, best of luck to this man in his life. He’s got a real condition, and calling it “sexy” isn’t doing him any favors.



From Now On…Sexy is in the eye of the beholder.



Here’s a list of things that are sexy:

- Sexy people

- Sex



Here’s a list of things that are not sexy:

- The Kama Sutra Trojan virus

- Zombies

- Technology

5 Amazing
Definition…Causing sudden wonder or great astonishment.



Example of Improper Usage…That was the most amazing tuna fish sandwich I’ve ever had!



From Now On…Can you think about the last time you were amazed by something, like really amazed? It’s awe-inspiring, like something that simultaneously makes your jaw drop and gives you a stiffy junior (aka, a semi). Remember that feeling.

4 Fail
Definition…To fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved.



Example of Improper Usage…Saying FAIL makes you sound like you not only latch onto cultural word fads, but that you think it makes something funnier, rather than describing what the failure is.



From Now On…Instead, try something like “He failed to achieve the 12-inch (around!) boner that the advertisement had described, despite its guarantee.”



Or the next time someone falls down a set of stairs, for example, maybe instead of yelling out “FAIL” you should help them pop their shoulder back into place (a la Lethal Weapon) and cauterize the wound from their bone breaking outward through the skin.

3 Literally
Definition…Actually; without exaggeration or inaccuracy.



Example of Improper Usage…See literally any episode of Parks and Recreation with Rob Lowe as lovable weirdo Chris Traeger.



From Now On…If literally is a word that has to do with a strict sense of reality and you’re telling me that you’re literally having the worst day of your life, I’m not going to believe you unless I’ve never heard you use that word before… and unless you’re telling me this as I’m pulling you from the burning wreckage of a train collision. Then I might believe you.

2 Reboot
Cultural definition…Starting a process over again.



Example of Improper Usage…When we start talking about rebooting TV shows like Murder She Wrote or Golden Girls that are probably best left alone and when the Spiderman series has a 5 year turn around until they start it all over again, maybe our culture is becoming just a bit too ADD’d out.



From Now On…It’s not so much the definition of this being misused, but rather the fact that it’s getting out of hand. Since when has everything gotten such a “that was so last week” vibe and our culture moved on so quickly from what’s relevant and cool that everything is becoming a reboot of something else? Also, the only reboot I truly believe in is the Saturday morning show.

1 Um/Like/Other Word Filler
Definition…There’s no real definition for words like these except that they’re often used as expressions of hesitation or doubt and as such, make you seem like you’re let’s say, light on the IQ front.



Example of Improper Usage…Hmm, um, like, well…wait, what was the question?



From Now On…Silence is golden. If you really want you can just squint your eyes and nod your head slowly until a real thought comes to mind.

Technology is constantly and rapidly progressing, and companies love nothing more than having the newest and coolest features. Unfortunately, in that quest for buzz we often get things that are either completely pointless (speaking of Buzz) or worse than what we originally had. Here are 7 things ]]>

Technology is constantly and rapidly progressing, and companies love nothing more than having the newest and coolest features. Unfortunately, in that quest for buzz we often get things that are either completely pointless (speaking of Buzz) or worse than what we originally had. Here are 7 things touted as progress that actually suck.

7 Motion Controlled Video Games
When the Wii came out, my mother waited in line for hours to get me one. She assumed that I’d love it, but mostly I think she just wanted a way to force me to stop mocking her every time she referred to my PS3 as a Nintendo. Moms, they’ll never learn. At first she was right, the motion control was awesome. Unfortunately the novelty wore off within a week of upgrading from Wii Sports.



I quickly realized that I have no interest in pretending to throw a football in my living room. I play video games because I’m lazy, not because I want to pretend I’m in the NFL. I grew weary of half-assed movements to control the game and started to play much less. The neighbors below complaining about me repeatedly jumping in my living room to go all Chuck Woodson on people put an end to it for good. With the potential exception of shooting games, I really have no interest in ever putting in effort to play a video game again.

6 Siri
The most damning evidence for Siri is that it essentially existed a year before Apple popularized the service. It was called “Voice Action for Android” and did most of the same things that Siri does, only without the attitude and racism against the Chinese. It wasn’t until the soon to be ghost of Steve Jobs told Apple fanboys about how cool it was that everyone decided it was the greatest thing since canned beer.



If the three friends I still have are any indication, the only time Siri is actually used is to show off to others that they have Siri. Congrats, you have a voice on your phone that can Google things for you. You’ve essentially turned into that friend that texts me to ask a question I obviously don’t know the answer to just hoping I’d look it up for them. There’s nothing cool about pretending your phone is a person. That’s a gateway for our robot overlords if I’ve ever heard of one.

5 Automatic Wine Opener
To start, if you can’t open a bottle of wine without a battery powered device, you don’t deserve to drink it. Even if you just wrap it in a cheese cloth and break it over a bowl, that’s still better than having to use an automatic wine opener. While conventional wisdom says that the cork is intended to seal out the air and in the booze, the original reason for them was to idiot proof the booze. OK, that’s not true at all, but I’m sure it occurred to someone before right now.



The selling points of most are for either feeble people (who probably shouldn’t be drinking), those with arthritis, or just to ensure the perfect pull every time. Well, none of those actually play out. The problem is that you still have to be able to push down firmly in order to position the opener. You can’t simply hover above the bottle and expect magic to happen. This leads to the next problem. Just because it’s automatic doesn’t mean that the corkscrew is going to drive down correctly. If you don’t hold the device just right, you’re going in slanted and will remain thirsty the rest of the night. And finally, it’s slow. If you’re like me, you can’t get that bottle open fast enough. It takes a good 15 seconds to complete the process, and I could be on glass two in that amount of time.

4 Google Glasses
In an effort to turn all of us into Terminators, Project Glass is working to create glasses that constantly monitor where you are, what you’re doing, and with whom you’re doing it. If this are anything like the location based Google maps on my phone, there are going to be some immediate problems. I swear I wasn’t in that brothel, I was a full block away at church.



Another problem is that they let you take pictures, stream video, and a host of other things. The real issue with that is everything can be recorded, and there’s nothing you can do about it. I’ve frequently wanted to take pictures or videos of people who looked or were acting stupid, but I didn’t because it would be awkward to pull out my phone and point it at them. If I could have recorded them without their knowledge, a lot of lives would be ruined at this point. The one upside? Sex tapes. Tons of them!

3 Lane Departure Warning
The newest Cadillacs, among other vehicles, have started including indicators that tell you when you are leaving your lane. No, not the turn signal, this one is autonomous to protect drivers who are taking a nap or just not paying attention. It isn’t just on the dashboard either. Some even have a vibrating device in the seat for extra pleasure awareness.



There are a few obvious problems with this. First, it’s encourages people to not pay attention because they know the car will let them know if it start starts to veer off course. The last thing we need is more people thinking it’s OK to talk on the phone, do their makeup, or eat any food that involves sight. Beyond that, if you live in America, you know that our roads are constantly under construction. Lanes are always shifting a few feet one way or the other, and while new lines are added, the others remain. You don’t just erase paint. Now you’re stuck driving for miles with your left thigh rumbling and an light constantly trying to tell you something you don’t care about. I don’t want my car to turn into my Facebook news feed.

2 On-Screen Keyboard
While video and games are a major component of phones, there’s nothing that we use more than messaging. In 2011, more than 7 trillion text messages were sent world wide. That doesn’t even account for iMessage, gChat, and whatever other apps are out there (Is AIM still a thing?) making texts obsolete. So why then would I want to deal with an on-screen keyboard?



I have tiny lady fingers, and I still can’t type two straight sentences without an error. And if the numerous and hilarious “Damn you autocorrect” sites are any indication I’m not the only one. Autocorrect may work on occasion, but with the number of instances in which it’s wrong, it doesn’t justify wasting all the extra time trying to put the cursor in the correct space to replace the errors it missed. Plus I am irrationally irritated by having to constantly hide the keyboard to look at something and then bring it back up to continue.

1 Holograms
Tupac’s return from his island vacation only to appear at Coachella sparked 1000s of Facebook updates, videos, and mediocre jokes. It also caused quite a controversy over who owns the rights to celebrity’s images after they die. Went went overlooked though is how big of a waste of time that was.



There are few options when it comes to holograms. You can either pre-record the content, digitally create it, or live stream it. With digital creation, who cares? It’s not the real thing so I might as well be watching a motion capture movie (which we all hate). The second option is a little better, but if you are going to pre-record something, I don’t need to see it on stage. The fun of a live show is that you don’t know what might happen. Improvisation, errors, random decision to go bigger…that’s why we see live shows. If it’s all pre-determined, it’s nothing more than watching a video.



The streaming version (think Will.i.am post Obama election) is at least a step in the right direction, but it’s still just a gimmick. They claimed at the time it was to help control noise factors, but in that case a simple video chat would have sufficed. If musicians want to perform shows holographically and only charge $5 because they are appearing simultaneously in 50 markets, I’ll re-consider. We all know that won’t happen though.