Guyism » LOST

What the hell, Matthew Fox?

K. Thor Jensen — Tue, 22 May 2012 15:45:50 +0000

So Lost‘s Matthew Fox is in a new movie from the guy who directed xXx. And he’s ferociously ripped. Rob Cohen’s career as a director isn’t really something that inspires confidence – 2005′s Stealth is probably his biggest bomb in a career full of them – so I’m not sure I’ll be lining up to see Alex Cross, his forthcoming crime thriller. Especially because it also stars Tyler Perry.

But let’s talk about Matthew Fox here, right? For the role of “Picasso,” a cage fighter slash murderous assassin, Fox lost almost all of his body fat and got seriously ripped. This scares the crap out of me, I’m not ashamed to say. Who would have pegged the former Party of Five star as willing to go this seriously Method for a Z-level thriller with Tyler Perry? Imagine what he’d do for a real movie – cut off an arm?

‘Lost’ might come back

K. Thor Jensen — Wed, 02 May 2012 15:54:47 +0000

Hey, remember how much we loved Lost? And then remember how much we hated it? They want to make us love it again. I can’t think of a show that fell off as hard as Lost did in its last season. We were all trying to solve the mystery of just what the hell was going on with that damn island, reading quantum physics books and calling our old science teachers “just to check in,” and it turned out to be a magical fairy hole? Utter garbage. But, you know, nothing ever ends in Hollywood when there’s money to be made. Show co-creator Damon Lindelof was a speaker at Variety’s Entertainment & Technology Summit, and in addition to talking about Twitter and Prometheus, he also dropped some tantalizing hints about a return to the island. Sort of.

“I do feel like the world has not seen the end of Lost, but I’m not going to have any involvement…” was his exact quote. It’s actually fairly simple: ABC owns the rights to the show and the characters, and if they wanted to bring it back for a miniseries, a TV movie or whatever, they could put anybody they wanted at the helm. The network’s had a particularly rough 2012 season so far, with shows like Charlie’s Angels and Pan Am biting the dust, as well as the closing of long-running ratings standby Desperate Housewives. What do you think? Would you watch more Lost?

9 of the worst TV series finales of all-time

Neil Bulson — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 13:00:14 +0000

People invest a lot of time in their favorite television shows. They get wrapped up in the characters and the plot and soon they start gibbering about what happened like it actually went down in real life. This is because we are a culture of lunatics. And that’s why when a television show has a less than satisfactory ending, people go batshit crazy. They start ranting and raving about how they’ve been robbed of closure, like they were dumped in the middle of the night and abandoned by their spouse or something. I wish I could say I was above such things, but… well, here we are. I understand you crazy sons of bitches. I do. And that’s why I decided to create this list, in celebration both of our collective lunacy and the terrible, terrible finales of these nine shows. Some were bad because they were so horrifically clichéd that they became an absurd joke. Others were bad simply because they didn’t make any damn sense. While others sucked because they didn’t answer questions that had been promised for what felt like eons. Whatever their differences, the one thing these nine shows have in common is that their finales were the worst in television history. Enjoy.

9 ‘Dinosaurs’
Dinosaurs was an insane idea to begin with, like a studio exec got all coked up one night, watched some “TGIF” and decided that the only thing that could make it better was if there were dinosaurs involved. Which, admittedly, is always a pretty reasonable stance since dinosaurs are awesome, but not when they’re wearing people clothes and arguing about the weather, you know? That’s just weird. So I suppose it shouldn’t have been a surprise that the final episode of Dinosaurs was, well, really, really weird. I mean, here’s the episode synopsis: Earl, the dinosaur family patriarch, ensures the extinction of his entire race. Good times! I’m surprised they didn’t just go all the way and (spoiler alert!) show the family home getting blown to bits by a giant asteroid. I mean, I guess it’s admirable to not pull any punches when it comes to the fate of the dinosaurs, but I think you’ve already set historical accuracy aside once you put a giant overgrown lizard in flannel. I mean, couldn’t they at least have had the Sinclair family escape via some Land of the Lost style wormhole or something? See, I could totally be an ABC exec.

8 ‘Seinfeld’
Everyone hated the Seinfeld finale because they were expecting something more. Why you would expect more from a television show that describes itself as a show about nothing, I have no idea. But the weird trial of the Seinfeld Four isn’t why this finale ended up on this list. It’s on this list because it was basically a glorified clip show, a dumb excuse to go back through the vaults and show footage of actually entertaining episodes rather than come up with something interesting for the finale. Then again, maybe in some meta way that was the appropriate route to take. Maybe the only way a show about nothing could reasonably end was with a completely nonsensical episode that everyone hated. Or maybe people are right when they speculate that the gang actually died in a plane crash and their trial was actually a metaphor for their judgment in purgatory. Or maybe it was just a shitty series finale after all. I don’t know. My head hurts now. Leave me alone.

7 ‘Entourage’
The only thing missing from the about four years too late series finale of Entourage was a scene in which the boys all go down on each other while Mrs. Ari rolls her eyes and a parade of shitty guest stars parade by the camera and spout hilariously wooden dialogue. Oh wait… you mean that’s pretty much what actually happened? Well, okay then.

6 ‘The X-Files’
The truth is out there. Well, unless you’re a fan of this show. Or one of its producers. Or one of its writers. Or… you get the point. The truth is, is that no one involved with this show had one friggin’ clue about how to end it. Which is kind of a problem when your whole show is based around their being some dizzingly complex conspiracy with a mind-shattering answer at its core, you know? Instead of answers, what fans of The X-Files got was a show that dragged on well past its expiration date until finally its own stars weren’t even interested in hanging around to see how it all played out. And then, finally, when the end did mercifully come, those stars were dragged back to take part in some nonsensical crap about Mulder being put on trial for murder in some weird desert compound. I don’t know. I don’t really remember all of the details, which is kind of the point. What I do know is that nothing was really cleared up or solved, which left them enough room to create a movie follow-up almost a decade later that nobody saw. So, yeah, the truth is out there and the truth is that the series finale of The X-Files was, to put in purely scientific terms, a butt.

5 ‘Veronica Mars’
Veronica Mars was a show that was known for ridiculously entertaining season finales which always wrapped up the season’s mystery in a clear and satisfying way so it was reasonable to expect something great for the show’s series finale. Yeah, not so much. Instead of an exciting and entertaining episode which wrapped up the series in a way that would satisfy fans, the show’s bosses decide to go out on an episode built around a local sheriff’s race, which… come on. Yeah, I know it would have been sweet justice for fans to see Keith Mars finally get his job back but the show didn’t even bother letting us know who won! Furthermore, the show left the show’s central relationship, between Veronica and Logan, open-ended, which… okay, fine, I’ll stop now before I grow ovaries. Still, uh, things could have been done better. That’s all I’m saying. Wait, where’d my penis go?

4 ‘St. Elsewhere’
After several seasons of making its fans care about all the characters of St. Elsewhere, here’s how the show’s producers chose to end it: the whole thing was just the delusion of some autistic kid staring into a snow globe. Since then, this episode has become famous as the ultimate copout, made fun of almost universally for its faux-cleverness. Whoever thought of it clearly believed they had stumbled upon some genius idea, a radical twist that would make even M. Night Shyamalan’s O. Henry designed panties get moist with excitement. In reality, though, the whole thing just became the standard for the ultimate TV land copout, a stupid slap in the face that rendered the whole show meaningless. Well, more meaningless anyway. It’s not like a good finale would have somehow caused world peace. Let’s not get carried away here.

3 ‘Roseanne’
The series finale of Roseanne was basically a variant on the St. Elsewhere finale, a cop-out which essentially rendered the events of the entire last season – which, admittedly, was pretty bizarre – utterly meaningless. Instead of an autistic kid staring into a snow globe, though, Roseanne ended with the reveal that the whole thing was just a dumb book being written by Roseanne and, oh yeah, Dan was dead. Good times! The whole thing just felt like a delusional self-indulgent trip down idiot lane by Roseanne, like no one involved with the show had the guts to tell her that her ideas sucked and that nobody wanted to watch something like that. Then again, by the time it ended, nobody was watching. Also, thanks to writing this article, I had to Google Image search Roseanne and that resulted in me having to see Roseanne in lingerie on the cover of Vanity Fair. That was enough to move this up at least three or four spots on this list. Good Lord.

2 ‘Lost’
The series finale of Lost followed The X-Files method of promising answers and then revealing to the world that the writers and producers had no idea what the hell they were doing or where they were going the whole time. When the episode first aired, I remember convincing myself that it gave me at least a sense of closure, but in retrospect the whole thing was kind of a debacle, like the show runners had spent all their time carefully putting together a giant puzzle only to get desperate and then try to mash in one last piece that didn’t quite fit. Instead of answers, fans were just left with a million more questions. What was the island? That’s the one thing that fans wanted to know from the very beginning. And then the show ended and they were all told that it didn’t matter what the island was because what mattered was a bunch of treacly bullshit. People wanted to get answers to a mystery. What they got instead was Jack and the gang crying and laughing in some church together, having finally found redemption after all that time. Hey, good for them, but what about the rest of us?

1 ‘The Sopranos’
Everyone was excited to see how The Sopranos, that great American soap opera, would wrap things up. Would Tony make it out alive? Or would he finally get what was coming to him? The episode itself seemed to be going just fine and

VIDEO: So what’s the deal with ‘Assassin’s Creed’ anyway?

Matt Hawkins — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 21:45:51 +0000

Perhaps you were like me: interested in Assassin’s Creed intoxicating mixture of dazzling graphics and even juicier looking gameplay, but also afraid to come close due to the goofy as hell, Dan Brown-ish plot. Well the thing is, the story IS just as convoluted as you assumed/feared it to be. But that’s still okay as it turns out.

Call me someone that was late to the party. For whatever the reason, the idea of being some cunning killing machine, circa the Renaissance Era, via some bartender in modern times, thanks to some VR simulator that the Freemasons or whomever cooked up, seemed like a really stupid idea. But then a light bulb turned on and I realized that, you know, that’s not such a bad idea after-all!

Anyhow, realizing that others might be on the fence, hence why sales figures might not be as high as possible, they put together the following clip…

Perhaps it doesn’t answer all that many questions after-all, but then again, I’m the type of person who likes a little bit of confusion. Or more over, I tend to join a show in the middle, or near the end. If the last episode is good, it’ll be worth the time to work backwards, i.e. Twin Peaks. Or, if the last episode sucks, I’ll be glad that I didn’t bother with the whole thing, i.e. Lost.

Hence why, I’m thoroughly enjoying Assassin’s Creed: Revelations thus far, which just came out today, and look forward to going backwards yet again! Too bad I didn’t get the PS3 version, which has the first game included on the same Blu-ray, but the first three games have to be on the cheap side at this point, or so I’d have to assume.

VIDEO: Lost, as retold via Minecraft

Matt Hawkins — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 19:59:48 +0000

For fans of the show who were let down by the ending, now you and your pals can make your own.

Note: its up actual Lost fans to tell me how accurate the above it. I personally couldn’t stand the show, but you know, lol white people. Hopefully will come across a Twin Peaks mod, which came before the Lost one, and was far more original/enjoyable.

[Destructoid]

12 of the most memorable TV deaths of all-time

Jeff Wysaski — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 12:00:59 +0000

When you follow a TV show long enough, the characters start to feel like real-life friends and family. Given this fact, when those sadistic TV writers decide to kill off one of your favorite characters, it can definitely have a serious impact. Below are a few of the most memorable TV character deaths of all time.

12 Omar Little – The Wire
Omar was the underdog stick-up man of the Baltimore ghetto. He stole from the rich drug kingpins and gave to himself. With a plethora of enemies throughout all five seasons, it’s pretty much a miracle that he lived as long as he did. However, that gunshot to the head courtesy of a seriously young little boy came as a shocker to pretty much everyone. Let’s whistle “Farmer in the Dell” one more time in his honor.

11 Rita Morgan – Dexter
Rita’s departure from Dexter was one of the most shocking and unexpected character deaths in recent memory. The horrible reveal came in the final moments of season four… right after all the loose strings of the season had already been wrapped up. With all the tension of the episode removed, the sight of Dexter walking into Rita lifelessly sitting in a tub filled with her own blood really brought a downer to that last episode.

10 Joyce Summers – Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Most characters on Buffy The Vampire Slayer don’t die of natural causes. Despite this fact, the death of Joyce Summers via boring-old aneurysm proved especially memorable. The 2001 episode coldly opens with a close-up of Joyce’s lifeless eyes staring directly into the camera. From here, the characters starkly reminisce about the character with a number of heartfelt moments throughout the episode.

9 Bill McNeal – NewsRadio
Given the reality of Phil Hartman’s death, this on-air death proved especially difficult. Whereas many shows would seek to find a more light-hearted way to explain the sudden absence of a TV character (or worse, simply replace him or her with another actor), NewsRadio nobly went with the truth. Hartman died between the fourth and fifth seasons of NewsRadio. For the season opener of season five, the cast learns Bill has had a heart attack. The episode brought a lot of the real emotions into the fictional world, and helped cement the death as a very memorable TV moment.

8 Teri Bauer – 24
With a new twist ending pretty much every hour of the day, Jack Bauer’s wife had a pretty miserable final 24 hours. After Jack saves her from being kidnapped and raped, all seems to be on the mend for this TV couple. That is, until Jack’s mistress reveals herself to be a plant, and shoots Teri right in her pregnant stomach.

7 Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake – MASH
MASH was a show that truly knew how to balance humor with grief. One of the saddest moments of the show was the episode in which Henry Blake had been discharged. Shockingly, Radar delivers the news to the rest of the cast that Blake’s plane was shot down en route to home. Famously, MASH writers report that they kept the death of Blake a secret to the cast until minutes before shooting. This helped make the reactions of Radar and the rest of the crew as authentic as possible.

6 Dan Connor – Roseanne
The death of Dan Connor is perhaps on of the most WTF TV deaths ever to occur. As the TV audience was led to believe, Dan suffered a heart attack, but eventually survived to win the lottery and become a millionaire with the rest of his family. However, in the series finale it was revealed that Roseanne Connor wrote the entire television series based on her fictional real life. In this “real” reality of the Connor universe, Dan actually died from the heart attack.

5 Maude Flanders – The Simpsons
“No foot-longs.” How’s that for a beloved TV character’s final words? Sadly, Maude was chosen to die because voice actor Maggie Roswell decided not to continue with the show after season 10. In classic Simpsons style, the character was comically killed off courtesy of a t-shirt gun at the Springfield Springway. The force of the shirt sent her reeling off the top of the grandstand and into the waiting arms of her beloved Jesus.

4 Anastasia Dualla – Battlestar Galactica
Talk about unexpected. Dee had finally seemed to reconcile with her estranged husband (Apollo). Grinning happily from this fact, Dee quietly smiled at herself in the mirror right before she put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger. Suicide doesn’t happen often on TV shows, but in this case, it made poignant, if difficult, sense to the story progression of the character.

3 Susan Ross – Seinfeld
You’d be hard-pressed to find a more ridiculous (yet totally believable) cause of death than toxic glue from cheap wedding envelopes. Throughout season seven, poor George Costanza was trying desperately to find a way to call off the impending marriage between him and Susan. Just as it seemed he resigned himself to a lifetime of holy matrimony, Susan went and died completely by accident. Of course, in true Seinfeld form, the death failed to phase anyone (besides George and his restrained jubilation).

2 Adriana La Cerva – The Sopranos
This one was a tough one to watch. Adriana had been suckered into talking with the FBI about her husband Christopher’s role in the Soprano gang. Though she stayed strong to her husband and never gave the authorities much to work with, the news of these meetings enraged Christopher. Though he loved her and hated to do it, he ordered Silvio to drag her into the woods and take care of her for good.

1 Charlie Pace – LOST
There are a ridiculous number of memorable deaths from LOST. With a character pretty much dying off every other episode, you could easily make a whole list of “most memorable LOST deaths.” However, of them all, Charlie’s dramatic death in the flooded Looking Glass Station remains one of the most memorable scenes in the show. Not. Penny’s. Boat.

9 fictional love triangles any guy wishes he could be in

Max Steven Miller — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 12:00:36 +0000

How many times have you seen a love triangle in a movie, watching a TV show, reading a book, or browsing a Guyism article and think to yourself, “Man, I’d give anything to be that guy.” Okay, I threw that last one in to feed my own ego, but you have to admit, with the rest of the options, the thought comes along pretty frequently. Here are a few of those fictional love triangles that any guy would kill to have been the dude in.

9 Betty Cooper, Archie Andrews, Veronica Lodge in Archie Comics
Ah, the never-ending debate: Blonde or brunette? This love triangle found Archie Andrews constantly torn between everyone’s favorite wholesome girl next door, Betty Cooper and the spoiled brat, Veronica Lodge. Only in a comic book could a freckly, redheaded guy have the town’s two hottest women pining for his love. And on a side note while we’re focused on Archie comics, does anyone else think Eminem looks a little like Jughead ever since he ditched the bleached hair for the darker do? Just saying… And this here is the reason a certain unnamed writer will be beaten to a bloody pulp by a famous rapper from Detroit.

8 Anne Bancroft, Dustin Hoffman, Katharine Ross in The Graduate
The porn industry serves as proof that the mother/daughter fantasy is a popular one. Ladies, if your mother is even slightly attractive, trust me…the thought has entered your guy’s mind at some point. So when Mrs. Robinson seduced Benjamin, every guy out there was rooting him on. Let’s face it; despite all of the trouble in got him into, Benjamin Braddock was living the dream. Plus, he had Simon & Garfunkel to provide the background music throughout his predicament… Who wouldn’t enjoy a constant stream of Simon & Garfunkel when they’re going through some tough times? It’s hard to stay all riled up with The Sound of Silence stuck in your head.

7 Jennifer Morrison, Hugh Laurie, Lisa Edelstein in House
Dr. Gregory House is a complete asshole. He says what we’re all thinking and doesn’t care much for whatever consequences await him in doing so. It’s been proven time and time again that women love bad guys and House is no exception. Both Dr. Cameron (Morrison) and Dr. Cuddy (Edelstein) are drawn to the guy despite his negativity. Although Cameron is probably the better looking of the two, Cuddy’s rockin’ body (which House points out on a regular basis) brings them neck in neck. No wonder House has had a tough time committing to either one. It’s not a bad deal to have two successful and attractive doctors pining for your love… especially when you seem to be a completely drug-addicted mess who has very little to offer in a serious relationship.

6 Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillipe, Reese Witherspoon in Cruel Intentions
One of the many horrible Hollywood movies saved by a little girl on girl action. It’s almost as if the studios know these films aren’t going to do well, so they say, “Let’s just throw a kissing scene between two women that doesn’t have anything to do with the plot right smack dab in the middle of the film. That oughtta do the trick”. Well, it worked. And although the kissing scene wasn’t between SMG and Reese, I’m sure most guys would’ve loved to be in Ryan Phillipe’s position as he shot the steamy scenes with both of these actresses. Also, here’s to hoping they can somehow still make that SMG/Reese kiss happen in one of the numerous horrible sequels.

5 Evangeline Lilly, Josh Holloway, Elizabeth Mitchell in Lost
No doubt about it… Sawyer (Holloway) was the man. He was able to pull the trigger with both of Jack’s ladies while Jack sat by himself and cried in the corner… over and over again. You toss in Ana Lucia and Sawyer had himself a nice little Love Square. Naked sweaty time in a sweltering jungle with the ridiculously flawless, Kate (Lilly) alone will make you want to be this guy; but playing house with Juliet (Mitchell) when you’ve been left behind on the island isn’t too bad of an option either.

4 Sharon Stone, Michael Douglas, Jeanne Tripplehorn in Basic Instinct
Michael Douglas has made a career out of hooking up with some of Hollywood’s hottest women on camera over the years. However, it was starring in Basic Instinct with Sharon Stone while she was in her prime that got him on this list. His Skin-e-max worthy sex scenes with both Stone and Tripplehorn had guys everywhere wishing they could spend just a few hours in his character Detective Nick Curran’s shoes. While in the real world, Douglas’ marriage to the “only getting better with age” actress, Catherine Zeta-Jones, has guys wishing they could spend their entire lives in the actor’s real-life shoes.

3 Kristen Bell, Jason Segel, Mila Kunis in Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Much like Betty and Veronica, this love triangle also featured the battle between the blonde and the brunette. In this case, however, the blonde was the rich, stuck up, prissy, self-centered bitch while the brunette was the down-to-earth one. Here’s the problem with this love scenario: these are two of the hottest women on the planet and yet, they were fighting over Jason Segel. So ladies, you can thank this love triangle (and the rest of Hollywood for that matter) whenever a pudgy, average looking guy at a bar thinks he actually has a shot with you.

2 Adrianne Palicki/Minka Kelly–Taylor Kitsch–Madison Burge/Alicia Witt
in Friday Night Lights
Who wouldn’t want to be Tim Riggins? In just four seasons of Friday Night Lights, the dude managed to land himself two separate love triangles. Sure, he may be a washed up, ex-football star living out of a trailer off beer and Easy Mac, but that’s a small price to pay for his track record. More recently, he pulled the mother/daughter combo with high schooler, Becky (Burge) and her hot bartender mom, Cheryl (Witt). But originally, it was the tall and leggy blonde, Tyra (Palicki) versus the crazy hot brunette cheerleader, Lyla (Kelly). Ultimately, Riggins ended up with Lyla who he first got involved with while she was dating his freshly-paralyzed best friend. Classy guy. Although, I can’t blame him… if it meant some quality time with Lyla, I’d probably pull the same move. I might even go so far as to be the reason my best friend ended up in the hospital. You might think that’s a little extreme, but I know he’d do the same for me.

1 Denise Richards, Matt Dillon, Neve Campbell in Wild Things
The only reason anyone even sat through Wild Things was to see Denise Richards and Neve Campbell go at it. It certainly wasn’t the stellar acting. And, the only reason anyone even bought the DVD was so they could easily skip to those specific scenes that were almost worthy of an X rating. It certainly wasn’t so they could focus intently on the enticing and difficult to follow storyline. Matt Dillon’s character gets extra credit (and top billing in this article) for being the only guy on this list who managed to turn his triangle into an actual threesome. Matt’s brother, Kevin might be the more famous Dillon these days, but all guys would easily take Matt’s “entourage” over Kevin’s any day.

Cats sum up six seasons of ‘Lost’ in one minute

Shawn Norris — Mon, 24 May 2010 14:59:28 +0000

Yes, you heard me right. Here is a clip of cats dressed in different outfits that pretty accurately describes the entire plot of Lost in just a little over a minute. For anyone that missed the finale last night, you can catch back up by merely watching this clip.

The only difference with this version of what has happened is that with nine lives, this show would have been nine times as long as the original show. That’s 54 episodes of Lost. That’s 54 episodes of cats dressed in stethoscopes and using silly accents. That’s all I need to know. Sign me up.

Via Tremendous News

11-year-old arrested for throwing toy gun at father’s head

Chris Spags — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 14:57:42 +0000

Nobody ever said parenting was an easy thing, but it’s also not necessarily the hardest thing in the world. Don’t tell that to his Florida family…a father tried to give his 11-year-old daughter a punishment, she responded by throwing a toy gun at him, and he responded by getting her arrested for battery. Logical.

A father tried to give his 11-year-old daughter a time-out, but she ended up getting charged with a misdemeanor.

Around 9:30 p.m. March 24, the girl and her 7-year-old brother got into a fight over who got to sit in a certain chair, according to an Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office arrest report. The father ended up escorting the girl to her room.

The man stood in the hallway watching her, making sure she wouldn’t try to run away out her bedroom window, the report said. The girl grabbed a toy gun and threw it, striking her father in the head and causing him to bleed from a laceration on his scalp.

The girl was charged with domestic battery and is due in juvenile court May 5.

Well, at least she’ll have learned an important lesson. I’m not entirely sure what that lesson is, but clearly it’s going to take her to a stripper pole. Douchebag fathering is her personal ticket to shoes with see-through heels. It’s like if you’re watching this season of “Lost.” The equivalent of Jacob touching you is a crappy father, the island is a nearby gentleman’s club named the Peppermint Giraffe, and the Smoke Monster is a guy wearing sweat pants with no underwear ordering more lap dances than he should be able to afford and asking you to talk in a baby voice. Dreams can come true.

11-year-old girl arrested for throwing toy gun at dad [NWF Daily News]

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7 real-life women you’d need to survive on the LOST island

Shawn Norris — Wed, 13 May 2009 04:00:45 +0000

I watch the television show LOST. In my mind, that means I know everything there is to know about living on an Island in the South Pacific; and yes, that includes reincarnation, dealing with the Smoke Monster and those velociraptors that almost outsmarted those moron kids in the documentary Jurassic Park. Safe to say that I could survive by myself, but I thought about a perfect scenario for this and here is what I came up with.

First rule would be take all the cell phones and tell the women that you’re going to try and find a spot on the island that gets reception. Then when you’re out of sight, just dump them all in the water. Nobody is going to need those. The women on the island with you have the necessary skills to keep you alive and happy on even the smallest island. So if you’re for some reason stranded in the South Pacific and these 7 women are there with you, you’re probably going to want to just wait it out because you’re currently living on Fantasy Island.

Sarah Silverman – I’m imagining things get pretty boring when out on an island with no television or iPhones (you dumped those in the ocean, remember) and there are only so many Spongebob Squarepants episodes you can act out with a dead starfish and half a flip-flop before the medium becomes stale. You’re going to want someone funny to tell stories and entertain you, and with a repertoire of humor that spans the comedy gamut from semi-racist rants , to society hating sketches, and even delving into Matt Damon copulating music videos, you know Sarah Silverman would probably keep you laughing until the rescue team arrived. Or you would become offended that you decided to swim for it. Probably depends on what side of the fence you sit on.

Plus, she’s hot.

Karri Byron from Mythbusters – She can build just about anything out of just about anything. I figure with a pocketknife and a couple toothpicks, she’d be able to build a boat and sail your asses right off the island (Take that Gilligan!) And for those of you that think she’d need tools to be effective…she could probably build a good deal of those too. Kari has built a jetpack out of two liter bottles, she’s tested treating a jellyfish sting with vodka (Take that Dudley Moore!) and she has done not one, but two separate episodes about Jaws. All three of those things are going to come in handy on an island surrounded by water. Plus, Mythbusters has proved she’s a good shot with many different guns and loves to blow things up. She’s the Jill of all trades and possibly the most valuable woman on this list.

And of course, she’s kinda hot.

Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard – You’re going to want someone with strong swimming skills if you get stranded on an island surrounded by raging ocean. For a good portion of my life I have smoked and drank and spent as much time possible not exercising. I’m so lazy that in college people used to duct tape my head to the bathroom wall to keep me from drowning in the shower. That’s why having and Olympic swimmer like Ms.Beard would be your best bet if you ever wanted to catch food or search for sunken treasure.

Plus:

- She’s used to swimming a few miles a day. If a ship comes close to the island, she’d be the only person who could swim out far enough to get its attention. It’s almost like she’s been training for that moment her whole life.

- Treasure map. It’s inevitable that you’re going to find one, and if The Goonies taught us anything, it’s that you want to be a strong swimmer and make friends with any large lazy-eyed deformed mutant retards you might encounter while running from Italian crime families. It’s science people.

- She can hold her breath twice as long as everyone else. That’ll come in handy when searching for spots to fish and when you accidentally drop your keys off the rescue boat and you realize your AAA card expired two months after you landed on the island.

Plus, she’s freakin’ hot…

Hammasa Kohistani, Miss England 2005 – Dude, she’s from Kabul. Yes, that Kabul. She’s seen things that would make you weep openly, like a child with a skinned knee-that’s being shelled by incoming surface to air missiles. She is tougher and more level head than you and given the trauma she has suffered as a child growing up in the midst of a unimaginably horrifying holy war–a plane crash probably didn’t phase her as much as the other passengers. She’ll probably be the calmest of the bunch, so it’s probably best if you follow her lead early and often in the process. She also speaks 6 different languages, which is the skill you’ll find most helpful if you find inhabitants on the island speak some fruity language like French or you need someone to give directions on your oil tanker ride back to whatever port the nearest lawyer specializing in aviation disasters is currently residing.

Plus, she’s kinda hot.

Giada De Laurentiis, Host on Food Network – Some have claimed that the measurements on her Food Network program Everyday Italian are often inadequate and don’t translate well from television to real-life. As a heterosexual male, I will disagree. I feel that her measurements are far, far from inadequate. Wait—what. It’s a cooking show? Really? Oh, those measurements. Yeah, well the food she makes looks really good in HD and even though Italian cooking doesn’t use a lot of ingredients like pineapples, coconut oil, or fish, I’m willing to bet she is enough of a culinary expert to make it work. And I know culinary experts because my buddy is a culinary wizard down at the International House of Pancakes. He can make pancakes that are UN friendly in 8 different languages, including Swahili.

Plus, she’s really hot.

Marisa Miller – Why? Because she Marissa F*#^ing Miller! If you need any explanation for this at all, you are either blind, have had your genitalia mutilated in a horrible farming accident or are homosexual or possibly all three. I’m not judging. I’m simply stating facts here people. Win, lose or draw, you’re gonna want a SI swimsuit model/Victoria Secret model on the island.

Because she is super damn hot…

Kathy Griffin – She’s obnoxious, long winded and has no discernible talent. Get rid of her as soon as possible. The sound of her voice has been known to attract jackals and Bravo! Executives and trust me, you don’t want either of those things hovering around your campsite. Lions? Feed her to them. Blood-thirsty cannibals? Feed her to them. A plane full of comedy fans that somehow also find a way to your island? Don’t put her on. You’re better than that. Make them swim over to Dane Cook Island, at least over there they get to throw rocks at a has-been. You hate her, I hate her, so lets just feed her to the sharks and get it over with already.

Plus…she’s not talented or hot.

This article was written by BOH contributor Shawn. Follow him on Twitter. Please. He needs to feel loved.

If you liked this, you may also like the 11 dumbest things cartoons have taught us or the 6 creepiest guys living in a sitcom household. You may also also like autoerotic asphyxiation.

The LOST/Muppet Babies mash-up you've been waiting for

Chris Spags — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 19:53:46 +0000

I’m a huge fan of LOST and probably haven’t promoted that fact here enough. I’m also a fan of Muppet Babies. So these two twains meeting = success!

You can see more clips of Muppet Babies spliced with audio from LOST here.

I’m kind of sleepy and don’t know what I’d say here that’d be funnier than that, so I’ll tell you what. Let’s just pretend I said like the funniest crap ever and you were like, floored by it. Like this was the most amazing laugh ever that it could cure cancer. And then…boom, nuclear war. Was that laugh really worth it? Probably not. So really, I just averted catastrophe. But where’s my medal of honor? Dicks.

[saw it first here]

LOST SEASON 4 EPISODES 13 AND 14

A. Isaac — Fri, 30 May 2008 18:00:00 +0000

I’ve seen a lot of good season finales in my time. But none compared to last night’s Lost finale.

Though the show struggled in Season 3, it seems they got back to actually furthering the plot in Season 4. Thank God too because I was very close to dumping it forever.

Nice to see Evangeline Lilly half-naked in this episode. Always a plus.

The nine hottest chicks who’ve appeared on Lost

Douglas Charles — Fri, 30 May 2008 17:15:00 +0000

We started writing an article focused on what might happen in the season finale of Lost, but then we got to thinking about how we’ve just recently come out of the proverbial closet for the show and decided it would be better for our image to take a cooler and tougher approach. BE MANLY HERE…

LOST SEASON 4 EPISODE 11

A. Isaac — Fri, 09 May 2008 20:17:00 +0000

For users in the US, clicking on the image will redirect you to the ABC HD Streaming webpage. For those not in the US, the links below should work.

By the way, great episode last night. Although we didn’t see Kate much, it seemed to really further the plot. It will be interesting to see how this season ends.

Alternate Links in the UK and Australia

LINK 1
LINK 2

LOST SEASON 4 EPISODE 10

A. Isaac — Sun, 04 May 2008 14:26:00 +0000

For users in the United States, I would recommend just going to the ABC HD Streaming they have. For users outside the US, clicking on the image will take you to several different links that will work.

Please add me to your feed if you find this useful.

LOST SEASON 4 EPISODE 9

A. Isaac — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 14:01:00 +0000

Click on the image to watch the show in HD Streaming. Add me to your feed if you enjoy this or feel free to digg it.

Lost Season 4 Episode 8

A. Isaac — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 15:18:00 +0000

CLICK HERE TO WATCH

Lost Season 4 Episode 7

A. Isaac — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 12:50:00 +0000

CLICK HERE TO WATCH

Lost Season 4 Episode 6

A. Isaac — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 00:24:00 +0000

CLICK HERE TO WATCH

Lost Season 4 Episode 5

A. Isaac — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 15:49:00 +0000

CLICK HERE TO WATCH!