Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Christina Aguilera is doing just fine since tossing out her husband, thankyouverymuch. And by doing fine I mean she crashed Jeremy Renner’s 40th birthday party and passed out drunk in Jeremy’s bed.

— Oh yeah,

— Christina Aguilera is doing just fine since tossing out her husband, thankyouverymuch. And by doing fine I mean she crashed Jeremy Renner’s 40th birthday party and passed out drunk in Jeremy’s bed.

— Oh yeah, Xtina also about came to blows with Julianne Hough on Golden Globes night. See what I mean? She’s doing great!!

— Speaking of newly single babes, January Jones is back on the market.

— Christina Aguilera wasn’t the only one having a little trouble on Golden Globes night. It seems Paz de la Huerta also ran into some trouble as she was tossed out of the party for being too drunk then completed the night with a nip slip in the streets that was caught on video.

— Miranda Kerr had her baby so, of course, she released photos of herself breastfeeding the lucky little shit.

— Fellow Victoria’s Secret smokeshow Doutzen Kroes also squeezed out her bundle of joy. Sadly (?), no breastfeeding pics were available yet.

— Rihanna got the best Sideshow Bob haircut I have ever seen in my life.

— And while we’re on the subject of Rihanna, is she more than just ‘friends’ with Nicky Minaj? Inquiring minds want to know.

— Jesse James and Kat Von D are now engaged. I’m not sure what this says about Sandra Bullock, but it can’t be good.

— Macaulay Culkin is doing okay getting over Mila Kunis. He found him a porn actress to take her place.

— Speaking of guys who enjoy the company of porn stars, Charlie Sheen spent $26,000 on hookers in two days recently.

— George Clooney caught malaria. I think the lucky f*cker was due for some bad luck if you ask me.

— And finally, Mel Gibson is facing up to four years in jail for beating on his ex-wife. Who wants to bet me he serves zero years? Anyone?

Today’s sexy video comes to us from the fine folks over at Allure magazine, a magazine that is marketed to women, and features sexy spinster Jennifer Aniston doing things that one would think would only be appealing to men.

I don’t care how old this is and I don’t care that Michael Jackson is presently as culturally relevant as polio, this is a f’ing awesome video. It’s a recreation of the classic Nintendo game Punch-Out, only with Michael Jackson in the role of Mike Tyson and Macaulay Culkin in ]]>

I don’t care how old this is and I don’t care that Michael Jackson is presently as culturally relevant as polio, this is a f’ing awesome video. It’s a recreation of the classic Nintendo game Punch-Out, only with Michael Jackson in the role of Mike Tyson and Macaulay Culkin in the role of Little Mac.

There probably weren’t enough jokes about Michael Jackson touching Macaulay inappropriately, but I guess that’s to be expected. Frankly, there are never enough jokes about children being touched inappropriately. What can I say? I’m insatiable.

In a related note, I kind of wish someone rich or famous had cupped my balls when I was younger. I’m f’ing paying off college loans forever because David Carradine didn’t feel compelled to stroke my ass once but these other kids are living the high life because MJ liked to get them drunk and play Hide The Misshapen Bleached Sausage with them. I’m not saying I want to be retroactively sodomized, but enough heavy petting to have made a nice $500k nest egg? I could live with it.