This is a different language, so maybe we’re looking at this the wrong way. Maybe it wasn’t so much a knife trick as it was a dude showing off a case of Do-It-Yourself Stigmata. Sometimes religious curiosities just can’t be naturally occurring, you know?

Shame on this girl for wasting minutes of your lives (and, presumably, using her special brand of terrible magic to coax me into posting this). There’s more magic getting sexually assaulted by David Copperfield on his alleged rape island than there is in this video.

This is pretty fun to watch because the chimpanzee really seems to be enjoying himself. In fact, chimps tend to be pretty fun as a whole to own, since they have a certain childlike innocence and degree of whimsy to everything to do, clapping and hugging you after you do. But you know when chimps are less fun? When they decide to EAT YOUR FACE. And that bitch didn’t even do anything to torture the chimp, she gave him steak and wine and pills and he STILL decided it was a good idea to start gnawing away at human flesh. All I’m saying is that you never know which game of “Got Your Nose” is going to lead to you getting mauled, so maybe your chimp-focused remake of David Blaine’s Street Magic should be a little more fully thought out.

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I dated a magician once. He had a lot of crazy theories and was a favorite of millions of people. But he loved me, and that love shined through everything. That magician’s name…is Jesus. When I went through difficult times and I saw only one set of footprints in the sand, I was like, “Jesus, where were you when I needed you most?” And he was like, “You’re still here? I thought I dumped you. Beat it, faggot.” Must be the Old Testament version.

Truly amazing. You can kind of tell it’s fake if you look closely…her cervix totally had a mirror on it.

I definitely believe in real magic though and it’s always got evil powering it. I saw a man get hit by a car once and he really got hurt. As he lied there in the street, blood began to slowly trickle from his forehead. Some guy claiming to be a doctor came over and stopped the bleeding, so naturally I ran over and yelled at him, accusing him of practicing witchcraft. Anyway, after stomping on the accident victim’s head to organize the balance of things, he summoned some sort of uniformed guard who “arrested” me for “assault” and “disorderly ‘conduct.’” Stupid wizards and their evil deceptions.

I wish magic were real. I mean, this guy is a really talented trickster, but you realize that he had to basically carry around hamburgers in his pockets for a while, right? And if he’s a low-rent magician, that means that he just carried around hamburgers on a train ride for hours then had to eat one. Yeah, the magic’s much less cool when you have to force rotting meat down your throat. Like did you know that there’s another human being behind the wall of a glory hole? It’s not magic at all, no matter what that guy with the wispy mustache and transition-lensed glasses told me.

If I had a magic power, it’d probably be the gift of GAB. Oh, not like, talking smoothly. In this case, rather than speech, GAB would stand for Gagged Anal Bondage. It’s not magical in the traditional sense, but it certainly aides me in making large cylindrical objects disappear with hardly a sound.