All day today you’ve got the chance to save some bucks on some titles. Really good ones in fact!

Unfortunately, we just missed Phoenix Wright, though No More Heroes for the PS3 is up right this second, and is an absolute must buy for every PS3 owner…

After that is, presumably, Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Winter Games, which is okay I guess, though the final deal is for Ace Combat: Assault Horizon, another must buy title for damn sure!

Oh, and as you can see to the left, the Gold Box deal of the day is FIFA 12, which isn’t too bad. Also, according to Joystiq, Amazon is also offering $50 in credit towards the purchase of 4GB Xbox 360, the Modern Warfare 3 bundle, and a 160GB PlayStation 3. In case you don’t have either system or wanted to get some Xmas shopping done super early, FYI. Everything can be nabbed here.

BTW, sorry for being late on the Phoenix Wright deal. To make up for it, here’s the trailer to the aforementioned live-action movie from Japan, which keeps looking better and better…

Nintendo of Japan just had a press conference that was chock full of announcements and the like. Some of it applies to us Americans, some of it doesn’t. The following is a list of what actually matter to us in the 50 States.

Helping things out is this video featuring ]]>

Nintendo of Japan just had a press conference that was chock full of announcements and the like. Some of it applies to us Americans, some of it doesn’t. The following is a list of what actually matter to us in the 50 States.

Helping things out is this video featuring Nintendo of America’s President, Reggie Fils-Aime, who goes over each point…

… But for those who don’t have the time or interest to watch the whole thing, here’s the basics:

- Hulu Plus is finally coming to Wii and the 3DS. Yay. So now you can spend $8 on content that will make you happy that you don’t blow ten times that much for basic cable, yet make you wonder why you still have to deal with commercials.

- There’s another system updated headed towards 3DS owners that will allow them the chance to record 3D video. That’s kid of neat! Up to ten minutes can be filmed, and you’ll even get to shoot stuff via stop motion. No word yet on how these will be shared, if at all. Nintendo being a family friendly company means YouTube uploading is perhaps not an option, sorry.

- Dreamworks Animation offerings on the system is somewhat old news, but you can add an exclusive to their catalog: Thriller, redone via the cast of Shriek. Note: I think Shriek is pretty retarded, and this from a grown man who has no problems professing his love for cartoons.

- If it wasn’t clear by now, the message is how Nintendo is purely catering towards kids and teens. Some 3D music video for some group called Foster The People was also teased. Never heard of these geeks. Next.

- At long last, some games were touched upon. But the wave of upcoming eShop titles that Nintendo has in store are total snore-fests. Swapnote is maybe the most interesting of the bunch, in which you can create notes that feature drawings and pictures taken with the 3DS, which can be passed along via Street Pass. Actually, does that sound very interesting? Yeah, not really. I know.

- Finally we have actual games. But just three, yet they’re the big three: Super Mario 3D Land, Super Mario Kart 7, and Skyward Sword.

… Honestly, that last point best illustrates Nintendo more than anything else. If not for their ability to make truly amazing games, the company would be so hosed right now. Despite the fact that the 3DS is looking and more like a total dud, I still sorta want one, if only for Land and Kart. And the reason why everyone still has their Wii is because of the latest Zelda.

I’m not one of those folks who wishes Nintendo would drop hardware, but I it would be nice if they’d just concentrate on making games and stop everything else. But that’s where the money is at… not my money… but someone has to cater to the lucrative kids and teen market, which Sony and MS is not focusing on (they’re too busy pleasing adults).

My biggest gripe, from my POV, is how Nintendo simply isn’t doing the best job possible when it comes to catering towards kids. Things can just be done so much… I dunoo… better? Then again, maybe they just have more patience/don’t realize how chintzy and slapped together some of their offerings are. Instead of being like Apple and doing one thing very well, repeatedly, Nintendo now feels like Google, in the sense that they’re doing tons of the things, and everything is just sorta “okay.”

If Nintendo wants to really succeed, they just need to buckle down and make games. LOTS of games. Good ones, obviously. That’s what will get adults interested, and I’m pretty certain kids would appreciated as well. And also listen to what people want. Their walking to the beat of their own drum has become tiresome. Worked back in the day when no one was providing alternatives. Well, it ain’t the 80s anymore, that’s for damn sure.

At least Tiny Cartridge’s summation of the Japanese press conference hold some hope. Sone neat games were highlighted… which hopefully will make it out here… and more importantly, you’ll soon be able to transfer content from one 3DS to another. About damn time. So it would seem Nintendo is finally listening.

Or at the very least, it’s worth having on in the background while you catch up on emails this weekend.

YouTube is overflowing with tributes to Nintendo’s number one guy that feature nicely done techno remixes and slick motion graphics. And while a good deal are perfectly fine, most are ]]>

Or at the very least, it’s worth having on in the background while you catch up on emails this weekend.

YouTube is overflowing with tributes to Nintendo’s number one guy that feature nicely done techno remixes and slick motion graphics. And while a good deal are perfectly fine, most are nothing special either.

Hence why I’ve never posted any, until now; the following is just extremely well done, from top to bottom. Also, it’s Saturday, meaning the chances of everyone actually checking out an 18 minute long video are slighty greater than on a work day…

… I just find it impressive that whomever was able to create a vignette specific to each game and cover so much ground. And pretty much EVERYTHING is included; sure you’ve got all the standbys, such as the main entries, but there’s also Mario & Luigi, Dr. Mario , Luigi’s Mansion , Mario Golf, Super Mario Land, Super Mario RPG… plus Donkey Kong.

Hence the 30th birthday part, even know last year was his big 25th celebration, cuz that was for Super Mario Bros. And know is half the battle.

It’s been rough times for Nintendo and its loyal user/fanbase. Their press conference last night in Japan offered some glimmers of hope, but there’s still plenty of uncertainty.

To say the big N is having a rough year is putting it mildly. The price cut of the 3DS ]]>

It’s been rough times for Nintendo and its loyal user/fanbase. Their press conference last night in Japan offered some glimmers of hope, but there’s still plenty of uncertainty.

To say the big N is having a rough year is putting it mildly. The price cut of the 3DS has given the platform a shot in the arm, but many still feel the long-term health of the system, and the parent company as a whole, is still in question.

Not helping was the discovery of this, for those who have yet to see it…

… Yes, that’s an attachment to give the 3DS a second analogue stick. And yes, it is ugly as hell.

Oh, it’s even better: as Tiny Cartridge reports, it needs its own set of batteries. So not only make your handheld look evening more physically unattractive, but it’ll cost you even more $$$. Great. Oh, it’ll cost about $20 US, provided it arrives here to begin with (and given the number of games announced that wills support it, the likelihood is high).

It’s all but solidified the running joke that all 3DS owners are nothing more than beta testers, though even I was hoping in their big press conference last night that a system redesign would be announced; I’m less concerned about the second analogue nub and more how it sorta looks fugly to being with, plus the battery life is flat out atrocious.

But the biggest issue still remains: the games, or lack thereof. At least they’re coming, though some are taking longer than others. The new Kid Icarus game for example has been delayed again, but there’s at least some new footage to show how it’s coming along. Sorry for the language barrier, but it should be easy enough to follow along…

At least Super Mario 3D Land is still on schedule…

As noted in my PAX report, Mario Kart 7 is all kinds of fun, thanks to the addition of the glider…

And as a fan of the first Luigi’s Mansion, am really looking forward to the sequel!

Hey, there’s a new Mario Tennis coming as well! Guess that’s not such a huge shock I guess…

If you’re not totally sick of the Mario bros, perhaps you’ll dig this trailer for a brand new Paper Mario title as well…

BTW, here’s a clip that shows a bit of pretty much everything on the way. In many cases, all that you’re seeing of X game is all the footage that exists at this point…

… Which also includes footage of the new Monster Hunter game, a franchise that is super colossal huge in Japan, but hasn’t made much of a dent here. It’s the reason, btw, for the second analogue nub, and many believe that the next chapter coming to the 3DS is what will ultimately save the platform…

And let’s not forget that this year is also the big 25th anniversary of the Legend of Zelda…

… Also also previously noted, Skyward Sword for the Wii is absolutely amazing and the reason why you’ll be happy you still have a Wii. But also don’t forget the special edition of Four Swords coming to DSiWare…

… The best part is the price: totally free! Comes the 28th of this month, though it’ll only be available till February.

So yeah, Nintendo isn’t going anywhere. But it remains to be seen if the 3DS will become the breakout success that the original DS was. Many seem to forget that it was somewhat rough going for that as well, though maybe not as much (nor was expectations nearly as high). Many figured that the PSP would eat its lunch, and that didn’t quite happen.

Course, I say this now, before seeing the iPhone 5, which has a good chance to sucking everyone’s soul once it arrives later this fall.

Last weekend in Seattle, I got some hands on time with a few of hottest upcoming offerings from everyone’s favorite powerhouse Japanese publishers. So do the houses that Mario and Mega Man built still have it?

My very first stop at PAX this year was the Nintendo booth. As ]]>

Last weekend in Seattle, I got some hands on time with a few of hottest upcoming offerings from everyone’s favorite powerhouse Japanese publishers. So do the houses that Mario and Mega Man built still have it?

My very first stop at PAX this year was the Nintendo booth. As a diehard Zelda fanboy, I simply had to get my hands on Skyward Sword. Too bad the place was filled with them; despite getting their Charlie on the spot, each station had a line about 30 people thick. So next I tried heading over to the 3DS station, to give either Super Mario 3DS or Mario Kart 7 a spin. No dice on that either.

Wasn’t until Sunday until I got my chance to give anything a go. But it the end, it was worth the wait…

Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword
The demo was only 10 minutes long, but it was a jam-packed 10 minutes. Three modes were offered, and I decided to split my time between two. First was had you going head to head with the main bad guy in the game, I think. There were story bits that I fast-forwarded due to the clock ticking.

Combat was the one thing I was most interested in, to see how the Wii Motion Plus would mix things up. In the end, it’s not the true 1:1 degree of motion that many had envisioned (or was promised), but you’re not just waving your arms in the air around with no real rhyme or reason either.

Sword fighting was somewhat awkward at first. But once you get in the groove, it’s really something else. The position in which you hold the Wii remote actually matters and is more or less reflected on screen. Basically you have to make sure Link’s sword is in the right position/alignment before you can start swinging it. Same with the shield; I found myself holding it way out, to make sure I would receive what was coming towards me. Me thinks if I handled a real shield, my body language would be similar.

But yeah, the end result was combat that was far more visceral. Unfortunately, because I was so mindful of the position of my sword and shield, to make sure I could do the actions I wanted that followed, I had a hard time keeping track of my target. Z-targeting wasn’t as smooth as in past Zelda’s, but perhaps I just overwhelmed by all the new stuff. Though I was never frustrated, which is key.

Yet because I was having so much fun, I totally lost track of time and hardly had any time for the second segment, which involved flying that big winged bird everyone’s seen in the trailer. Basically one has to hold the Wii remote like a paper airplane to guide its movement. Similar to some mini games in WarioWare. Not bad, just not as fun as all the sword fighting I just went through.

Super Mario 3DS
Many feel that Nintendo should have maybe waited till this game was ready before launch, and I have to agree. If you’re a fan of the old school Mario games, especially Mario 3, then you’re going to love this one. Hence why there’s not much else to say; just imagine the airship sequence from that same game, but in three dimensions.

Though I will say that it was an excellent showcase of Nintendo’s excellent design sensibilities. All throughout were excellent uses of visual trickery, to remind you “hey, the game is in 3D!” But not once is it annoying or too obvious. Even little things like elongating the coin block is just so simple yet so effective.

Mario Kart 7
For whatever reason, I came super late to the Mario Kart party. Didn’t give a rat’s ass about the SNES game, only partook in the N64 version with pals in college, and never bothered with either the GameCube or Wii versions. But I got the DS installment before heading west and can’t stop playing it. Hence why one pals comments of “gee, another Mario Kart” immediately after playing it fell on deaf ears.

Yup, it’s another Mario Kart all right. But in glorious 3D!!! Though the biggest change is how you now have wings; throughout the course are super steep drops, which is where your glider like wings pop out from the back of the vehicle. So you’re both driving and flying, and I have no idea what it’s so insanely awesome, yet it is.

… All three is due later this fall. Hopefully the rumored 3DS hardware redesign comes out not long after! Anyway, moving on, Sunday was also my first chance to check out some games at long last at the Capcom booth. I made up my mind that there was simply no chance in hell that I’d get my hands on Ultimately Marvel vs Capcom 3, though Asura’s Wrath was also constantly occupied the entire weekend, and that was a bummer.

Operation Raccoon City was only on-hand for one day, which meant an extra long line for that, though I did get to watch folks play and it looks hella fun. Don’t recall seeing the new Devil May Cry at all. Though I did get some hands on time with…

Dead Rising 2: Off The Record
Got the chance to check out the new sandbox mode for the DR2 remix that puts Frank West back in the driver’s seat, where he belongs. Again, not much else to say here; you get to run around, killing hordes of zombies, without any stupid time limit to drag you down. Oh, and for whatever reason, the Frank I was controlling was completely decked out in leather, and I couldn’t stop staring at his gigantic package.

Street Fighter X Tekken
Yes, I managed to give the redheaded stepchild of the Street Fighter Versus series a go. Which, not surprisingly, wasn’t nearly as popular as Ultimate MvC3. Sorry, but as a Tekken fan, I personally was excited by the announcement, whereas everyone else sorta just went “okay.” Unfortunately, despite liking fighting games, I still suck at them and didn’t last long. But at least I got to control the bear, and that was fun.

I also haven’t done my homework, but the Tekken folks I was handling controlled exactly like Street Fighters. That’s good news to some, but not me. Perhaps there’s a mode to switch control schemes mid-fight, or perhaps it’s a mode chosen beforehand, I don’t know. Unfortunately, trying to figure things out in the middle of a versus match in a fighting game just doesn’t work.

Though the haters are right about one thing; the whole thing just kinda fugly; I’m hoping for Tekken X Street Fighter, if there is one, for a more toned down, less garish, and skewed towards Namco-ish look.

Much like in the world of music and movies, every prominent video game celeb has an agent making all the right moves.

Dorkly has a semi-regular gag in which various game characters have chats with an agent, and the most recent one, featuring the star of Metroid, is actually quite ]]>

Much like in the world of music and movies, every prominent video game celeb has an agent making all the right moves.

Dorkly has a semi-regular gag in which various game characters have chats with an agent, and the most recent one, featuring the star of Metroid, is actually quite good…

This earlier clip featuring Sonic being convinced to dump Tails is already pretty good…

And finally, witness the birth of video game’s greatest superstar, Mario…

… Hopefully Dorkly will tackle Link and whole multiple timeline mess next.

What else is the internet for than filing up space? And when YouTube recently increased the time limit on clips, one person decided to heed the call.

First, as promised, 10 full hours of Super Mario action…

Favorite YouTube comment? “3:57:01 F*CK THIS” Next, Tetris for 10 hours…

Between being a real life Mario or Link, I’d gladly assume the former since you’d get a sweet gun out of the deal.

First, what if the Mushroom Kingdom just showed up in front of you?

Next, we have yet another awkward conversation between Princess Zelda and the ]]>

Between being a real life Mario or Link, I’d gladly assume the former since you’d get a sweet gun out of the deal.

First, what if the Mushroom Kingdom just showed up in front of you?

Next, we have yet another awkward conversation between Princess Zelda and the weird guy in green that always shows up at the end…

One of the lessons here folks is, even after rescuing the princess, if you don’t have a rap, you can forget about getting any.

Everyone knows about Princess Toadstool, aka Peach, but what about his first gal pal? AKA Pauline from the original Donkey Kong?

Well, she was kind of annoying for one…

In the end, Mario did indeed trade-up. Oh, there was that other princess, from Super Mario Land. Daisy, which he ]]>

Everyone knows about Princess Toadstool, aka Peach, but what about his first gal pal? AKA Pauline from the original Donkey Kong?

Well, she was kind of annoying for one…

In the end, Mario did indeed trade-up. Oh, there was that other princess, from Super Mario Land. Daisy, which he immediately passed off to his brother. I’m sure Luigi isn’t too upset for having sloppy seconds, especially since she’s kinda hotter that Mario’s blonde bimbo (imho)…

And yes, I am talking about two totally made up characters, figments of some dude’s imaginations. What of it.

Sometimes the best part of a game is not what you’re supposed to do, but what you’re not.

First off, let’s take a look at the wacky glitches and the like in the N64 version of Ocarina of Time, much of which are totally new to me…

… I’m ]]>

Sometimes the best part of a game is not what you’re supposed to do, but what you’re not.

First off, let’s take a look at the wacky glitches and the like in the N64 version of Ocarina of Time, much of which are totally new to me…

… I’m still amazed by how folks actually come across such information. I’m guessing that everything is stumbled upon and all that info just gets collected and shared. I’m also assuming that many of these tricks won’t work in the upcoming 3DS version. Or will they?

Though my fave glitches are easily from Super 64, and here’s another clip from MotherF*ckerMike (what’s with all the cursing, bro?)…

Unfortunately it doesn’t really feature any of the “black rooms of death” that game is somewhat synonyms for. Don’t ask me why, but I find them kinda scary…

On a similar tip are glitches from Shadow of the Colossus, which I find uber creepy. Some of the best are captured here, though the slightly sped up speed and goofy music sorta kills the mood…

Time for the final big presser of the Electronic Entertainment Expo, the ones who always bring forth the biggest cheers, as well as biggest groans. What did Nintendo bring to the dance this year? Read on…

Once again, here’s what I had basically said on Twitter ]]>

Time for the final big presser of the Electronic Entertainment Expo, the ones who always bring forth the biggest cheers, as well as biggest groans. What did Nintendo bring to the dance this year? Read on…

Once again, here’s what I had basically said on Twitter as it was happening, but with some edits and clarifications whenever applicable. Mostly because yesterday’s of the MS press event was such a big hit! As evidenced by the zero comments (thus far):

1. All right, a Zelda montage to kick things off, with a live orchestra playing assorted cuts from throughout the various games in the series. Good way to set the tone!

25. And… that’s it? No real solid info on price or specs [which have since been revealed], just how its due next year. Basically, no formal Zelda HD announcement to have everyone go home happy, as expected. Oh wells.

… Like everyone else, I have no idea if I’m pleased or annoyed by what they showed. A mixture of both, with a heavy dose of confusion. But say what you will about Nintendo; they sure do know how to get people talking!

Though if Mario & company, plus others famous game faces like Pac-Man and Arthur (from Ghosts & Goblins) were to make cameos, we at least have an idea of what it would look like...

As silly as it sounds, at least the NBA Jam one is semi-plausible, given how ]]>

Though if Mario & company, plus others famous game faces like Pac-Man and Arthur (from Ghosts & Goblins) were to make cameos, we at least have an idea of what it would look like...

As silly as it sounds, at least the NBA Jam one is semi-plausible, given how they were both made my Midway back in the day. As a kid, I used to pray and hope for a MK/Wrestlemania, yet another semi-similar arcade classic from the mind 90s, also from the same developers. Though most of my fantasies surrounded around Scorpion vs. the Undertaker. Yup, I said it, the word “fantasies.”

Though most fighting fanatics know that such dream matches are indeed possible via MUGEN, an open source fighting game editor that basically allows any kind of match possible. Unfortunately, Sub Zero vs. Mega Man & the block from Pong vs. Alf (seriously) are no longer available on YouTube, but here’s a not so bad replacement…

Back to MK, hey, remember Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe? What the hell was that about…

Hey, I still got my copy.

Toad’s Mortal Kombat Fatality Is A Bit Much [Kotaku]

A bumper during the South by Southwest Film Festival kickoff featured this video. Written and directed by Joe Nicolosi and starring Clay Crenshaw as a real life version of Mario stoned off mushrooms failing his way through life, this trailer has more depth, humor, and weight ]]>

A bumper during the South by Southwest Film Festival kickoff featured this video. Written and directed by Joe Nicolosi and starring Clay Crenshaw as a real life version of Mario stoned off mushrooms failing his way through life, this trailer has more depth, humor, and weight to it than anything you’ve seen this year. AND IT HAS AN INDIE MOVIE VERSION OF MARIO!

Can someone get a Kickstarter fund-raising project to turn this into a full film? Immediately?

My one critique: There is no way that hipster douche should be playing Bowser. I don’t care how high on shrooms I am, I’m not buying that dude as anything other than someone sipping lattes and talking about how he’s building the next Foursquare. I’d like to see a stoned Mario curbstomp him like Ed Norton in “American History X”. Get to work, Joe Nicolosi!

The life of a video game character is pretty glamorous. But much like superheroes, they have to keep day jobs too. And some of them blow. Hard. Here are eight of the worst.

8 Peter Pepper Game: Burgertime Job: Short order cook (with mutant vegetables attacking you) Benefits: Free ]]>

The life of a video game character is pretty glamorous. But much like superheroes, they have to keep day jobs too. And some of them blow. Hard. Here are eight of the worst.

8 Peter Pepper
Game: Burgertime
Job: Short order cook (with mutant vegetables attacking you)
Benefits: Free pepper; Unlimited snacks

Many people have dreams of being a chef. That’s not so bad. But being a chef who only makes burgers basically puts you in line with the greasy kid from the McDonald’s down the street. And being a chef who assembles these giant burgers by walking all over them makes you a crapty chef at that. Unless your feet are the special ingredient, in which case, that’s pretty impressive.

But even worse than that, Peter Pepper has to deal with Mr. Egg, Mr. Pickle, and Mr. Hot Dog, each a human-sized version of their last name (how convenient) trying to stop him from making his giant footburgers. It’s not really clear why they don’t want you to make the burgers since, ostensibly, that’d stop you from cooking them alive. But what do you expect from food that suddenly gained autonomy?

7 Ice Climbers (Popo and Nana)
Game: Ice Climber
Job: Climbing ice
Benefits: Getting to reenact scenes from Cliffhanger

In spite of their mallets and ability to do something very few people could do, it’d be hard to get excited to be an Ice Climber. Why? Well A) It’s much less scenic than all those free HD channels would lead you to believe and B) Because their job is to recover vegetables from a renegade Condor.

So you’ve got some asshole Condor who keeps stealing your vegetables while you’ve got to climb and climb and climb and then you have to kill other endangered species of bird and fight polar bears and it’s just like…how did these indigenous little Eskimos go so wrong? And just wait until PETA hears about this. Try explaining to them that the reason you attacked the Condor with a mallet was because he stole your eggplant. I don’t think they could relate to the plight of your simple igloo-loving ways.

6 Mario
Game: Super Mario Bros.
Job: Plumber
Benefits: Feces. Lots of feces.

Forget all his other temp jobs as a tennis judge, referee, doctor, there’s one job that Mario had in the real world that he really owned: Plumber. And sure, if you’re to believe the Super Mario Brothers Super Show, as seen in the clip below, a supremely faulty drain (how fed up do your fixtures have to be to open up a gateway to another world) that Mario was plumbing somehow resulted in him being sucked into Mushroom Kingdom.

But forget that, do you realize how many drains Mario and his broke ass brother were cleaning out of pubes and sludge and mucus before they got to that Mushroom Kingdom? No wonder he never said, “Hey Princess, mind sending me back to Brooklyn?” Stomping on the heads of some evil mushrooms with shoes and dealing with a firebreathing turtle is a picnic next to a stopped toilet in a Williamsburg homeless shelter.

5 B.D. Joe
Game: Crazy Taxi
Job: Taxi Driver
Benefits: Substantial tips, no way to get charged with vehicular manslaughter

I’m going with B.D. Joe for this one because he seemed far more above it than the other characters in the game. Joe had dreams, hopes, a Jamaican accent. But he also engaged in a profession which kind of blows. Did you know that you know that most male cab drivers pee in a bottle to keep going and maximize fares during shifts? I’m pretty sure I didn’t just make that up, though I suppose that’s always a possibility.

So not only does he have to piss in a Snapple bottle (Snapple Fact: Don’t drink me), but he has to endanger his life, and everyone else’s, to get more money from his patrons. Yeah let’s see, let me drive up on this roof and leap off all so I can shave 2 seconds off your trip to KFC. Awesome. And then you can’t even take your aggressions out by steamrolling innocent pedestrians because they always leap out of the way. What’s the point of being a cab driver if you can’t commit a bit of vehicular manslaughter?

4 Zangief
Game: Street Fighter II
Job: Bear wrestler
Benefits: Communism treated its bear wrestlers like Kings

No matter where you are in life, there are very few times where you’d think that being thrust into a tournament where you fight to the death against some of the best fighters of the world, some of whom are capable of conjuring up balls of fire to launch at you, would be an upgrade. But one of those few times belongs to Zangief.

Nevermind the fact that the guy couldn’t throw a fireball or break the sound barrier with his fists or spit flame or, really, do anything of note like his competitors; this is a man deserving of your respect. The guy wrestled BEARS. And not tussling around with a stuff teddy while pretending you’re the Ultimate Warrior like you and I may have. He wrestled full on grizzlies. And lived. And not only that, but he had to do it while in Soviet Russia (where BEAR gets mauled by YOU). You try wrestling a bear under any circumstances, let alone hopped up on steroids, vodka, and potatoes while the KGB insist that an 8-foot tall bear is a threat to your glorious regime.

3 Paperboy
Game: Paperboy
Job: Paperboy
Benefits: MILFs

This kid who was the Paperboy always struck me as a bit too old to still be a Paperboy. I guess that’s neither here nor there though since he clearly had a passion for slinging the news at the homes of customers. Better than those lazy kids in movies set in the 1920s standing on the corner shouting out headlines. Get some wheels, slacker. But anyway, the Paperboy had a tough road just to make enough money to take a girl out and hopefully get some boob. Check out a list of the obstacles from the Paperboy Wiki:

The player must stay alive by avoiding obstacles that appear along the street. Some obstacles include everyday nuisances such as bees, fire hydrants, storm drains, break dancers, cars, skateboarders, drunks, and kids playing with radio controlled toys and even rather bizarre foes such as a tornado, oversized house cats, and even the Grim Reaper himself.

You know your job is fed up when “break dancers” and “drunks” are considered an everyday nuisance while an oversized house cat is a bizarre foe. Such is the life of the Paperboy. Up is down, black is white, it’s your job to make sense of it all…and deliver the news to the world.

2 Dante
Game: Devil May Cry
Job: Demon Detective
Benefits: Meeting interesting people, Hellspawn

Yeah, Dante looks all cool up there with his white emo hair and his guns, but being a detective hunting down demons isn’t what I’d consider fun. Especially when your father (whose death you’re trying to avenge) was a demon. Where I come from, that’s called being a self-hating demon. And then while he’s trying to do his whole demon murdering thing, which is slightly more difficult than delivering newspapers, he’s always getting demons trying to kill him. Or confuse him, like Trish below.

She’s a demon, but she’s cool, so Dante fights her and then they become friends or some crap. And he’s probably like, “She’s a demon, I hate her” but then he looks at her and he’s like “Heheh boobs’ and kind of forgets where he is and accidentally discharges his gun and apologizes profusely saying how it never happens to him and he’ll make it up to her somehow, but she’s all turned off by that point and he just has to clean himself up. …it can put a damper on hunting demons, trust me.

1 Doc Louis
Game: Punch-Out!!
Job: Boxing Trainer
Benefits: Ringside seats; Not much actual time spent training

Think about it this way: You’ve dedicated your whole life to boxing. This is all you know. You saw a match on TV once, instantly fell in love, begged your parents to get you into a boxing gym. You grew up around the sport, know it inside out. You tried to make it on your own but didn’t have the physical tools. So you decide that your knowledge can be put to better use as a trainer. So you comb the ends of the Earth looking for a talent whom you can put over the top. And you end up with Little Mac.

Yeah. That guy who’s approximately the size of Mike Tyson’s genitals. Your protégé is basically just a midget with a complete lack of talent. The appropriate response would probably be: F*ck.

But then somehow, thanks to your guidance, he overcomes the odds and starts racking up wins, first against other scrubs, then against legitimate contenders. Despite a mismatch in every sense of the word, he overcomes the Champ. And then, you realize…”I could have been a contender.”

We’ve all heard politicians talk about how video games are a terrible influence on children. It’s totally true: without video games, kids would never be rude or violent or sexually active—they wouldn’t even know how. Some of the gaming world’s most iconic characters are teaching our children awful lessons, ]]>

We’ve all heard politicians talk about how video games are a terrible influence on children. It’s totally true: without video games, kids would never be rude or violent or sexually active—they wouldn’t even know how. Some of the gaming world’s most iconic characters are teaching our children awful lessons, and this needs to stop right away.

7 Kirby – Spitting out your food
Trying to feed your kid broccoli but he just keeps spitting it out? Blame Kirby, the rotund pink creature that spends all of his time eating things and then vomiting them on monsters. Children are easily influenced, and when Kirby says that it’s okay to chew your food once and then spit it out, they’ll do it. And let’s not even get started on bulimia.

6 Donkey Kong – Bullying
Children would never bully each other for no reason, so there’s only one explanation that makes sense: Donkey Kong. Watching this brutish ape throw barrels at plumbers and crocodiles is sure to make even the most timid child want to pound his chest and start hitting things. Why else would kids fight one another at school?

5 Guybrush Threepwood – Piracy
This lovable animated rogue is also a swashbuckling pirate that spends his days pillaging, stealing, and harassing women. Of course, the Monkey Island series doesn’t want you to know that — they want kids to grow up and think that pirates are friendly and cool. So when your child decides to start insulting strangers while dueling them with swords, don’t say we didn’t warn you to stay away from video games.

4 Sonic – Speeding
Sonic the Hedgehog is all about going fast. You know what happens when you go fast? Car accidents. Kids look at Sonic with his cute little red sneakers and cool attitude, and they think, “Whoa I want to drive fast too!” Then they die.

3 Mario – Brotherly favoritism
How many younger brothers in the world have been treated like sh-t because of Mario and Luigi? We try to teach children that brothers are equal, but Luigi is cast aside and trivialized in every game he shares with his big brother. What kind of message does that send to our kids? Little brothers don’t matter? Only the older son deserves to be in the spotlight? Mario should be ashamed of himself.

2 Sephiroth – Dressing up like a goth
Final Fantasy VII has many problems, but worst of all is its antagonist, an angsty pretty-boy named Sephiroth who dresses up in a black leather trench coat with a giant sword. Kids don’t understand why it’s not okay to wear clothes like that, so they take after Sephiroth and dress up like those annoying goths that hang out at the mall. Next thing you know they’re killing Ancients and creating clones of themselves in a flawed, but brilliant attempt to reach the Promised Land and achieve spiritual transcendence. Congratulations, now your child is a god.

1 Solid Snake – Terrible, pseudo-intellectual plots
So your kid just wrote a long, boring novel about double-agents, secret organizations, and the global scale of Western imperialism? You can put the blame on Solid Snake, legendary soldier and spy who spends most of his time caught in a quagmire of a story filled with nanomachines, betrayal, and clandestine conspiracies. Metal Gear Solid makes children think that it’s okay to write stories that make very little sense, using out-of-the-blue plot twists just to shock viewers into thinking they’re good. Sad.

Video games are places full of fantasy, wonder, and things you can jump on the heads of to brutally murder. So they definitely seem like a fun place to visit. Here are seven classic video game locations we wish we could visit.

7 The Mushroom Kingdom – Mario ]]>