This might be the first and last time I’ll ever say this, but I feel awful for that bride. To have your future husband there all sweaty and greasy on the verge of embarrassing you on a seminal moment in your life is just shitty. But kudos to her for being so supportive. “Sure, I’ll stroke your hair. What’s that? You want to drunkenly grab the asses of my bridesmaids while telling them we won’t last? Okay, sweetie. Whatever makes you feel better.” Pretty sure she qualified for sainthood on that day.

Have to love the reaction of people at sporting events to a rejected proposal. Only at a basketball game would people boo lustfully when a woman protects the sanctity of marriage by not agreeing to marry some dude due to social pressure of 10,000 other people at a sporting event. How dare she have independent thoughts! Kill her!

Jumbotron Marriage Proposal Rejection [Stuff I Stole From The Internet]

Honestly, I’d say the signs there shouldn’t be a wedding began with the ill-fitting dress and sloppy back tattoo poking out but, hey, so long as the message got across at some point.

Wedding Omen [Neatorama]

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends and holidays to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

‘Tis the season to get wasted. It’s the time of parties and consequently, a ton of booze coming in a range of delicious traditional and festive forms. Guzzle up and avoid making these potentially catastrophic decisions while feeling warm and full of holiday beer, er, cheer.

8 Signing Up for a Credit Card
Over-sized stadiums are the perfect places for credit card companies to find their prey. “Want this Bears beach towel — even though it’s shitty and it’ll be negative eleven degrees outside for the next three months? Sign up for a credit card! All you have to do is give me your autograph!” Jot down your info and get prepped to be bombarded with junk mail, phone calls, and mysterious statements for your foreseeable future.

7 A Tattoo (of Course)
The most obvious “Do it while you’re wasted, regret it forever,” slip-ups is getting inked. Not only does your drunkenness make you more vulnerable to seek out a skin kitchen when you have only “considered” purchasing body art before this point. The selection itself (four-leaf clover on your neck or “Exit Only” straddling the crack of your ass?) could also be detrimental. Even worse: the prospect of you mistaking a back alleyway for a tattoo shop and getting AIDs. We’ve heard horror stories.

6 Marriage
Speaking of which, we’re all familiar with the problematic booze-fueled Chapel visits — typically with a Las Vegas backdrop — followed by a late morning full of not-so-fun paperwork, confidence-draining embarrassment, and a horrible hangover. So let’s just move on to those other tiny, meaning-packed words.

5 Telling Someone You Love Them (Aw!)
Liquid courage may make admitting your undying love for someone tempting. Try and avoid saying, “I love you,” to whoever that special person may be for the first time when you’re shitfaced. Even if they dig you too, slurred speech isn’t that flattering. Your confession will be better received when she can understand what you’re saying.

4 Having a Threesome — with Your Girlfriend
Two random chicks? Go for it. Grab a rubber (or three) and have a blast. A blackout drunk ménage à trios may not be the best idea if it’s with your girl and another consenting soul, though. Expect heightened insecurities and petty fights for the following weeks. If you two talked about a three-way sounding like the best idea while stone-cold sober, and you know for a fact that she’s bi-whatever-they’re-calling-it-now or is turned on by the thought of two dicks near her person, you’re probably in the clear. Just discuss the fantasy and set some “ground rules” before you kill a bottle of tequila near a strip club together.

3 Sleeping with Your Coworker
Perhaps this actually seems like a brilliant idea and yes, you have in fact made the decision that if you are presented with the opportunity, you will surely sleep with said coworker. Don’t let a liver soaked with Jack Daniels fog your head. Run through the consequences one could face after jumping in the sack with a coworker: 1) Going to work may get more awkward/tense than it already is, 2) Going to work may now present itself with random acts of closeted, casual sex, or 3) Nothing, because you two have this sort of thing mastered. We can’t predict your future. Good luck…?

2 Purchasing a Boat
Buying any sort of large item while under the influence that would put the cash-stricken layman in debt is probably not a good idea. The chance to purchase a boat for a small down payment could test your willpower. Especially if it has a the shrimp-collecting capabilities like Bubba and Forrest’s boat in Forrest Gump and an area for people to dance like on P. Diddy’s boat (name that reference!). Resist the urge to splurge and save some time figuring out how to, hypothetically, return a boat.

1 You’ll be the Designated Driver
And that’s our PSA for the day. Our good deed, if you will. Because we really need some good karma to make up for all of the horrible decisions we made after finishing a liter of vodka this past weekend.

According to some commenters on Ellen’s site, along with super smart SB Nation employees Chris Mottram and Spencer Hall, the proposal was fake.

I hope that’s the case. Because otherwise, Ellen is letting this dude look like a dick on a pre-taped show for no particular reason. This is what happens when gay people can get married in some states? You knife our lesser heterosexuals like this? I’m onto you, DeGeneres.

This Is Why You Don’t Propose Marriage on National TV, Doofus [Warming Glow]

Well that happened. Let’s wish the couple a lot of love and success coming up. Especially involving what I presume was a rollicking wedding reception at the local Cracker Barrel followed by a relaxing honeymoon night spent watching Adam Sandler’s latest comedic classic Jack and Jill. The magical night may have ended but the Dale Earnhardt Jr. commemorative plates will stay with them forever.

Watch a Couple Wed Atop a Roller Coaster, Officiated by an Elvis Impersonator [Vulture]

Maybe it’s just because part of my job is watching dozens of these “desperate for attention” videos a day to try to find interesting things for you, but this makes me want to vomit. How needy are you that you have to get married during a famous 26-mile run? Maybe if you’re both dedicated marathon runners and that’s a place of common ground, I could abide a proposal. But a marriage? You’re cheapening a moment already regularly cheapened by family squabbles and commercialism even moreso. Something tells me that some guy shamelessly rubbing Vasoline on his balls isn’t exactly the most romantic backdrop for a lifetime commitment of love.

Congratulations to the happy, presumably-sore couple.

Couple Gets Married While Running New York Marathon [Buzzfeed]

What do you have to text during your ceremony that couldn’t wait? Obviously, it’s an exciting moment that many women love to shamelessly brag about, but there’s probably a better time and place.

If anyone should be texting, it’d be the groom-to-be. If I were him, I’d be sending a buddy to scope out the hotel room to make sure there isn’t a bubbling cauldron and a buttered man-sized pot. I’d be surprised if she weren’t basting and seasoning him by the time the objections come up in the ceremony.

RIP Society of the Day [The Daily What]

Love is a wonderful thing, this is very creative (even though someone did the exact same thing a couple months ago), yada yada. But on an airplane? What exactly makes that so magical? Is it the usage of an intercom system created in the 1960s? Or perhaps the now-sealed-shut ash trays in the arm rests? Perhaps the yellow lighting or overpriced and stale sandwiches? More power to these crazy kids and their torrid love affair, but I’m pretty sure there have been more romantic proposals at truck stop glory holes than on this Delta flight.

Mile-High Marriage Proposal of the Day [The Daily What]

Looks like he’s about to join the 1%…of people proposing to someone at Occupy Wall Street! And, based on statistical likelihood, probably getting divorced. So he’s like the 0.5%. And he’ll have to give up half of his assets when that inevitable divorce happens, leaving him with 0.25%. Point being: This is all stupid and percentages are confusing.

Anyway, this is easily my favorite proposal coming from a guy in a cowboy shirt directed towards a woman dressed like Janice Soprano taking place in front of a bunch of chanting, jobless hippies, so I’m rooting for you crazy kids! Shine on and such.

Occupy Wall Street Marriage Proposal [Viral Viral Videos]

If you’re a knowledgeable resource like a person doing a call-in show in the respected intellectual community of Arkansas, you’ve got to think a little quicker on your feet than that. “Call a doctor” is the lazy man’s answer. A far better answer would be, “Take her out back and threaten to shoot her like Old Yeller.” Or even, “Get a coffee table and develop a scat fetish.” There are just so many creative solutions. Shame on these two for not recognizing any of them.

Becker then went to work on the unidentified husband, tying him to the bed and cutting his penis. She then did the unthinkable, throwing the detached member down the garbage disposal.

When police arrived, Becker told police her husband “deserved it.” Officers found the husband on the bed tied up and bleeding from the groin.

Police were able to recover pieces of the penis from the garbage disposal. The man underwent surgery immediately and is under stable condition.

The cutting off of a penis…conceptually, I can see how that’d happen. Your husband and you are going through a divorce, maybe you’re jealous over something he did, whatever. But the drugging AND garbage disposal combination? That’s just mean. I mean if you’re going to cut a dick off, I guess you might as well just throw it in the garbage disposal since what’s the point at that juncture anyway. But that’s just cold-blooded. That’s like taking over a village then just lighting the people surrendering to you on fire and going “FACE!” to them.

One can only hope that hydraulic penises have advanced far enough since there’s no better or more deserving candidate than this dude. If anyone deserves to throw his dick around like Optimus Prime, it’s definitely a guy who was drugged and had his johnson thrown down a garbage disposal. It’s practically a Make-A-Wish.

Wife arrested for cutting off husband’s penis [KABC]

Because, honestly, this IS the greatest marriage proposal of all-time, though I’m not entirely sure that this video, which comes to us via the inestimable Jimmy Traina, is entirely, 100-percent real.

I’m only speculative because, well, I mean, it’s brilliant, it’s insane, it’s dangerous and, most of all, it goes down without a single hitch. Also, the guy’s a little too calm when he pops the question.

Plus, while this is happening, the girlfriend in question only lets out one semi-muffled scream, she doesn’t swear, and homeboy is holding a bottle with an easily readable label.

According to reports, upon the police’s arrival, the woman claimed she slapped her husband and should be taken to jail while the husband said that she never touched him and simply wanted to be taken to a detention center.

Either way, this story just works for me. Between her wearing a pair of boxer shirts, the squeaky-yet-composed voice, and the fact that she needed a good boning so bad that she’s slapping people and calling 911, this seems like a girl I’d like to get to know. Love knows not of your “falsified police reports” or “avoiding women who are probably completely insane”.

This seems like the “Chained Heat” franchise reboot the world has been waiting for.

Sexually Frustrated Wife Turns Herself In [The Hairpin]

My favorite part is how someone implores one of the men to help her, only for everyone to just sit by and watch her slowly attempt to get to her feet. We obviously don’t know a lot about this girl based off just this video, but I think we can safely assume there’s something incredibly unlikable about her based on the complete evidence of indifference from all those around her. Passed out and injured like a gazelle is music to the ears of most scummy dudes trolling at a wedding. The more emotionally vulnerable and physically wounded the better. In most situations, if there were a girl coming off a break-up with a gunshot wound, she’d be the belle of the ball.

Between shit like this and that other guy proposing via a specially made movie trailer, I almost feel like a woman would be justified in refusing your request for her hand if you just walked up to her with a ring like, “Sup baby? Love ya. Let’s do this thing.” So while stuff like this is cool, we need to make sure to pull guys like Jeff Gurwin aside and make him tone it down a little. You’re raising this bar a little too high, dude.

If anything, we need YouTube videos of some guy stammering through a proposal while dressed in sweatpants just to even it out. Equal time.

Mural Marriage Proposal of the Day [The Daily What]

At least they handled it with good humor and, seemingly, non-torn meniscuses. It’d be kind of awkward to come back from your honeymoon in a cast up to your thigh to have your coworkers go, “Wow, must have been a lot of crazy honeymoon sex, huh?” They probably would be somewhat confused and horrified when you say, “Oh, no. My dad did this to me.” That’d put the wrong image across, assuming you’re not Mackenzie Phillips.

Pretty proud of myself for naming this file "Jumpaway Bride"

You can see more photos of the amazing rescue at the New York Post.

According to a reports, the bride — known only as Li-Wan — leaped to what she thought would be her death after receiving the news that her wedding would not happen to partner Wang Lu.

A local worker named Guo Zhongfan happened to catch Li-Wan right as she was jumping, holding her in place until other rescuers enabled him to pull her back to safety by her skirt.

No other details are known about the rescue at this time other than, presumably, what a dick her would-be husband was.

Seriously, suicide is obviously never the answer, but can you really blame the girl? You get so far through wedding planning and dress buying and all of the other processes involved with a marriage ceremony, only to tell your girl while she’s wearing her wedding dress that you’re not going to marry her? And not only that, but you’re going to marry someone else, presumably whom she hates? That’s just cruel.

Legally, there may not be anything you can do to punish this Wang Lu dude, but if you happen to be in China and know him, feel free to throw a loaded bag of dog feces at him. Every time he walks by. I think even he’d have to go, “Yeah, probably deserved that.”

Jilted bride in China jumps out window [NY Post]

That’s adorable and sweet and I certainly hope that, one day, my icy heart would make me feel so strongly about a woman that I’d be able to do something as thorough and touching at this.

At the same time, tethering this proposal to “Fast Five” seems like an odd fit. Was there no showing of “Last House on the Left” or a snuff film to show the trailer before? The audience clapped and cheered, but I imagine they’d have had the same reaction if he planted a bomb in her uterus, made a witty aside, then jumped away in slow motion while aided by a nitrous boost.

Public Proposal of the Day [The Daily What]

According to documents filed, the couple was married in 2008 and the husband did not provide the wife with sex for the first four months of their marriage.

She later found out he also suffered from erectile dysfunction.

The woman told the court that she didn’t say anything due to “conservative Arab values” and “remained silent and tried to adapt [by] praying to God that things would improve.”

They didn’t. And now, with her needs unmet by her now-ex-husband, who has been married 12 times, she’s seeking financial restitutions.

The woman also claims she was forced out of her job and had all of her jewelry taken from her by this charming former beau.

Normally I’d be inclined to say this is a frivolous lawsuit, but the lady has a point. Not only was she not able to get a little bit of that undoubtedly fine tail she was owed, she also really couldn’t pursue an affair or anything since that’d get her stoned or some other hideous Middle Eastern fate. And not only was this dude not getting her off, he also made he quit her job AND took her jewelry for no particular reason? You’ve got to leave a gal with something, buddy.

On the plus side, at least there were 11 other women who thought this guy was a real catch. “You mean I get to be controlled AND get a ramen noodle penis? This is like the ‘Price Is Right’ showcase!”

Dubai Wife Sues Husband For $12M For Depriving Her Of Conjugal Rights [Fox NY]