Well, another one’s off the market. And I couldn’t fly over to England in time to crash the wedding. Worst weekend ever. Carey Mulligan, last seen sucking face with Ryan Gosling in the elevator in Drive, tied the knot with musician fiancee Marcus Mumford of Mumford & ]]>

Well, another one’s off the market. And I couldn’t fly over to England in time to crash the wedding. Worst weekend ever. Carey Mulligan, last seen sucking face with Ryan Gosling in the elevator in Drive, tied the knot with musician fiancee Marcus Mumford of Mumford & Sons over the weekend. Wait, the dude has sons that are old enough to be in a band with him and he’s marrying Carey Mulligan? What is this old dude’s secret?

Okay, wait, he’s not actually an old dude, it’s just a name. That makes things sting a little less. The pair were married in a small ceremony in England’s West Country, with Adele serenading the newlyweds. Mumford and Mulligan have known each other since they were children, meeting as pen-pals through their respective churches before both growing up to be famous. Things to do: start being pen-pals with famous people. They reconnected in 2011 and announced their engagement in July of last year.

One Wall Street banker opened up to Buzzfeed’s SHIFT about his penchant for paying women for sex despite being married. The reasons are surprisingly compelling and logical. Take a look at what he has to say. Spoiler alert: No spreadsheets, sadly.

This video claims to be a “wedding fail” featuring a bride wardrobe malfunction, the likes of which the world has never seen.Only the woman playing the part of the bride in the horrendously fake wedding hall setup has to force herself to fall, then remove the lower half of her ]]>

Dana Jackson married the love of her life, 87-year-old Bill Strauss, on her 100th birthday. This is the video. The video of a 100-year-old woman getting married.

I bet she got her bottom knocked out that night. Like, literally, falling to the ground when she stood up. I bet ]]>

Dana Jackson married the love of her life, 87-year-old Bill Strauss, on her 100th birthday. This is the video. The video of a 100-year-old woman getting married.

I bet she got her bottom knocked out that night. Like, literally, falling to the ground when she stood up. I bet her cervix actually exploded into particles of dust if this old man was able to sling it in there with any degree of capability. Even if he couldn’t get it up and flopped on top of her like a fish, that’d at least leave a Liberty Bell-sized crack in her hip.

Oh love, you’re so inspiring. And gross to visualize.

100 Year Old Woman Gets Married [Viral Viral Videos]

Getting married can be very stressful, emotionally and physically. That said, it’s probably best to avoid vomiting in the front of the church if possible. It’s a shame this guy didn’t know about that sooner.

This might be the first and last time I’ll ever say this, but I ]]>

Getting married can be very stressful, emotionally and physically. That said, it’s probably best to avoid vomiting in the front of the church if possible. It’s a shame this guy didn’t know about that sooner.

This might be the first and last time I’ll ever say this, but I feel awful for that bride. To have your future husband there all sweaty and greasy on the verge of embarrassing you on a seminal moment in your life is just shitty. But kudos to her for being so supportive. “Sure, I’ll stroke your hair. What’s that? You want to drunkenly grab the asses of my bridesmaids while telling them we won’t last? Okay, sweetie. Whatever makes you feel better.” Pretty sure she qualified for sainthood on that day.

A proposal during the “Mistletoe Cam” at a UCLA basketball game doesn’t turn out as planned. The lesson, as always? No one wants to marry a UCLA fan.

Have to love the reaction of people at sporting events to a rejected proposal. Only at a basketball game would people ]]>

A proposal during the “Mistletoe Cam” at a UCLA basketball game doesn’t turn out as planned. The lesson, as always? No one wants to marry a UCLA fan.

Have to love the reaction of people at sporting events to a rejected proposal. Only at a basketball game would people boo lustfully when a woman protects the sanctity of marriage by not agreeing to marry some dude due to social pressure of 10,000 other people at a sporting event. How dare she have independent thoughts! Kill her!

Jumbotron Marriage Proposal Rejection [Stuff I Stole From The Internet]

Is there a worse sign in a wedding than the “speak now or forever hold your peace” being interrupted by an act of God? I’m thinking not.

Honestly, I’d say the signs there shouldn’t be a wedding began with the ill-fitting dress and sloppy back tattoo poking out but, ]]>

Is there a worse sign in a wedding than the “speak now or forever hold your peace” being interrupted by an act of God? I’m thinking not.

Honestly, I’d say the signs there shouldn’t be a wedding began with the ill-fitting dress and sloppy back tattoo poking out but, hey, so long as the message got across at some point.

Wedding Omen [Neatorama]

I think, at this point, most of us know that proposing on national TV or anywhere that there’s a high risk of embarrassment is a bad move. But this clip from The Ellen Show of some guy proposing during a segment and getting shot down is a good reminder.

Curious as to what the trashiest wedding ever might be? Then look no further than this Ohio couple married on “The Voyage” roller coaster in Indiana’s Holiday World amusement park. And the wedding was officiated by an Elvis impersonator. Pure class.

Well that happened. Let’s wish the couple a ]]>

Curious as to what the trashiest wedding ever might be? Then look no further than this Ohio couple married on “The Voyage” roller coaster in Indiana’s Holiday World amusement park. And the wedding was officiated by an Elvis impersonator. Pure class.

Well that happened. Let’s wish the couple a lot of love and success coming up. Especially involving what I presume was a rollicking wedding reception at the local Cracker Barrel followed by a relaxing honeymoon night spent watching Adam Sandler’s latest comedic classic Jack and Jill. The magical night may have ended but the Dale Earnhardt Jr. commemorative plates will stay with them forever.

Watch a Couple Wed Atop a Roller Coaster, Officiated by an Elvis Impersonator [Vulture]

How many desperate pleas for attention can one marathon have? First, some guy sketches during the 2011 NYC Marathon. Now, there’s a couple who got married during the event. Ugh.

Maybe it’s just because part of my job is watching dozens of these “desperate for attention” ]]>

How many desperate pleas for attention can one marathon have? First, some guy sketches during the 2011 NYC Marathon. Now, there’s a couple who got married during the event. Ugh.

Maybe it’s just because part of my job is watching dozens of these “desperate for attention” videos a day to try to find interesting things for you, but this makes me want to vomit. How needy are you that you have to get married during a famous 26-mile run? Maybe if you’re both dedicated marathon runners and that’s a place of common ground, I could abide a proposal. But a marriage? You’re cheapening a moment already regularly cheapened by family squabbles and commercialism even moreso. Something tells me that some guy shamelessly rubbing Vasoline on his balls isn’t exactly the most romantic backdrop for a lifetime commitment of love.

Congratulations to the happy, presumably-sore couple.

Couple Gets Married While Running New York Marathon [Buzzfeed]

Texting during certain social settings is frowned upon. Based upon the vitriol stirred up on this clip, just surfaced after being uploaded two years ago, I’d say we can add “during your own wedding” to that list of times that’d be considered poor etiquette.

What do you have to ]]>

Texting during certain social settings is frowned upon. Based upon the vitriol stirred up on this clip, just surfaced after being uploaded two years ago, I’d say we can add “during your own wedding” to that list of times that’d be considered poor etiquette.

What do you have to text during your ceremony that couldn’t wait? Obviously, it’s an exciting moment that many women love to shamelessly brag about, but there’s probably a better time and place.

If anyone should be texting, it’d be the groom-to-be. If I were him, I’d be sending a buddy to scope out the hotel room to make sure there isn’t a bubbling cauldron and a buttered man-sized pot. I’d be surprised if she weren’t basting and seasoning him by the time the objections come up in the ceremony.

RIP Society of the Day [The Daily What]

When I think of places that encourage love, I definitely think of a crowded flight via a crappy commercial carrier. But I’m just a hopeless romantic like that.

Love is a wonderful thing, this is very creative (even though someone did the exact same thing a ]]>

When I think of places that encourage love, I definitely think of a crowded flight via a crappy commercial carrier. But I’m just a hopeless romantic like that.

Love is a wonderful thing, this is very creative (even though someone did the exact same thing a couple months ago), yada yada. But on an airplane? What exactly makes that so magical? Is it the usage of an intercom system created in the 1960s? Or perhaps the now-sealed-shut ash trays in the arm rests? Perhaps the yellow lighting or overpriced and stale sandwiches? More power to these crazy kids and their torrid love affair, but I’m pretty sure there have been more romantic proposals at truck stop glory holes than on this Delta flight.

Mile-High Marriage Proposal of the Day [The Daily What]

Regardless of the good intentions of the Occupy Wall Street movement, I think most would agree the actual events going on in downtown NYC are..well, kind of worthless. And now, some guy has proposed to his ladyfriend and filmed it for YouTube. Here’s the video.

Looks ]]>

Regardless of the good intentions of the Occupy Wall Street movement, I think most would agree the actual events going on in downtown NYC are..well, kind of worthless. And now, some guy has proposed to his ladyfriend and filmed it for YouTube. Here’s the video.

Looks like he’s about to join the 1%…of people proposing to someone at Occupy Wall Street! And, based on statistical likelihood, probably getting divorced. So he’s like the 0.5%. And he’ll have to give up half of his assets when that inevitable divorce happens, leaving him with 0.25%. Point being: This is all stupid and percentages are confusing.

Anyway, this is easily my favorite proposal coming from a guy in a cowboy shirt directed towards a woman dressed like Janice Soprano taking place in front of a bunch of chanting, jobless hippies, so I’m rooting for you crazy kids! Shine on and such.

Occupy Wall Street Marriage Proposal [Viral Viral Videos]

Arkansas ABC affiliate KATV is just doing its part to help out viewers by taking their calls and answering questions as part of their show. Unfortunately, all of their expertise appears to be rendered moot when met with a question about a caller’s wife “acting like a dog”.

If ]]>

Arkansas ABC affiliate KATV is just doing its part to help out viewers by taking their calls and answering questions as part of their show. Unfortunately, all of their expertise appears to be rendered moot when met with a question about a caller’s wife “acting like a dog”.

If you’re a knowledgeable resource like a person doing a call-in show in the respected intellectual community of Arkansas, you’ve got to think a little quicker on your feet than that. “Call a doctor” is the lazy man’s answer. A far better answer would be, “Take her out back and threaten to shoot her like Old Yeller.” Or even, “Get a coffee table and develop a scat fetish.” There are just so many creative solutions. Shame on these two for not recognizing any of them.

No matter how much of a scumbag a guy may be, short of committing a heinous sex crime, it’s hard not to empathize with a guy getting his dong cut off. This story of a California woman cutting off her husband’s penis is no exception. Police say ]]>

No matter how much of a scumbag a guy may be, short of committing a heinous sex crime, it’s hard not to empathize with a guy getting his dong cut off. This story of a California woman cutting off her husband’s penis is no exception.

Police say the woman, Catherine Kieu Becker, drugged her husband during dinner. Once he was knocked out, she placed him on the bed and tied him down.

Becker then went to work on the unidentified husband, tying him to the bed and cutting his penis. She then did the unthinkable, throwing the detached member down the garbage disposal.

When police arrived, Becker told police her husband “deserved it.” Officers found the husband on the bed tied up and bleeding from the groin.

Police were able to recover pieces of the penis from the garbage disposal. The man underwent surgery immediately and is under stable condition.

The cutting off of a penis…conceptually, I can see how that’d happen. Your husband and you are going through a divorce, maybe you’re jealous over something he did, whatever. But the drugging AND garbage disposal combination? That’s just mean. I mean if you’re going to cut a dick off, I guess you might as well just throw it in the garbage disposal since what’s the point at that juncture anyway. But that’s just cold-blooded. That’s like taking over a village then just lighting the people surrendering to you on fire and going “FACE!” to them.

One can only hope that hydraulic penises have advanced far enough since there’s no better or more deserving candidate than this dude. If anyone deserves to throw his dick around like Optimus Prime, it’s definitely a guy who was drugged and had his johnson thrown down a garbage disposal. It’s practically a Make-A-Wish.

Wife arrested for cutting off husband’s penis [KABC]

In a 911 call that seems to have an extremely bizarre background story to it, a South Carolina woman called 911 after claiming her husband wanted her to go to jail for slapping him due to his lack of desire to have sex. More details after the call, embedded below. ]]>

In a 911 call that seems to have an extremely bizarre background story to it, a South Carolina woman called 911 after claiming her husband wanted her to go to jail for slapping him due to his lack of desire to have sex. More details after the call, embedded below.

According to reports, upon the police’s arrival, the woman claimed she slapped her husband and should be taken to jail while the husband said that she never touched him and simply wanted to be taken to a detention center.

Either way, this story just works for me. Between her wearing a pair of boxer shirts, the squeaky-yet-composed voice, and the fact that she needed a good boning so bad that she’s slapping people and calling 911, this seems like a girl I’d like to get to know. Love knows not of your “falsified police reports” or “avoiding women who are probably completely insane”.

This seems like the “Chained Heat” franchise reboot the world has been waiting for.

Sexually Frustrated Wife Turns Herself In [The Hairpin]

In my eyes, there are few things that help cleanse the palette heading back from a holiday weekend quite like someone embarrassing themselves in hilarious fashion. In this video, a bridesmaid photo where all the gals leap into the air excitedly with the bride ends in hilarity when one bridesmaid ]]>

In my eyes, there are few things that help cleanse the palette heading back from a holiday weekend quite like someone embarrassing themselves in hilarious fashion. In this video, a bridesmaid photo where all the gals leap into the air excitedly with the bride ends in hilarity when one bridesmaid doesn’t quite stick the landing.

My favorite part is how someone implores one of the men to help her, only for everyone to just sit by and watch her slowly attempt to get to her feet. We obviously don’t know a lot about this girl based off just this video, but I think we can safely assume there’s something incredibly unlikable about her based on the complete evidence of indifference from all those around her. Passed out and injured like a gazelle is music to the ears of most scummy dudes trolling at a wedding. The more emotionally vulnerable and physically wounded the better. In most situations, if there were a girl coming off a break-up with a gunshot wound, she’d be the belle of the ball.

Down on one knee? Whatever, bro. If you’re proposing these days, you need your request for marriage to go viral. So 28-year-old Jeff Gurwin hired some muralists to propose to his lady via time-lapsed mural. And it’s damned impressive.

Between shit like this and that other guy

Down on one knee? Whatever, bro. If you’re proposing these days, you need your request for marriage to go viral. So 28-year-old Jeff Gurwin hired some muralists to propose to his lady via time-lapsed mural. And it’s damned impressive.

Between shit like this and that other guy proposing via a specially made movie trailer, I almost feel like a woman would be justified in refusing your request for her hand if you just walked up to her with a ring like, “Sup baby? Love ya. Let’s do this thing.” So while stuff like this is cool, we need to make sure to pull guys like Jeff Gurwin aside and make him tone it down a little. You’re raising this bar a little too high, dude.

If anything, we need YouTube videos of some guy stammering through a proposal while dressed in sweatpants just to even it out. Equal time.

Mural Marriage Proposal of the Day [The Daily What]