Kim Kardashian’s Sisters Hate Kris Humphries
“Kris is getting famous for marrying a Kardashian.”

Kim K — Calling the Shots for New Pussycat Dolls Show
“…she’ll be running things BEHIND THE SCENES — as the executive producer of a new PCD reality show…”

Mary-Kate Olsen, Dakota Fanning Diss Lindsay Lohan at Fashion Week
“At two separate bashes, Mary-Kate Olsen and Dakota Fanning took serious measures to keep their distance…”

Charlie Sheen: “I Would Have Fired My Ass Too”
“It was bad and I own my part in that, and I just want to make everything right.”

Charlie Sheen: I’d RETURN to Men … If They’d Have Me Back
“If they thought it was a good idea … I’m completely on board for that.”

Brad Pitt: “I Wasn’t Living an Interesting Life” While Married to Jennifer Aniston
“”It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself.”

Brad Pitt: Jennifer Aniston Comments Misinterpreted, She “Remains My Friend”
“The point I was trying to make is not that Jen was dull, but that I was becoming dull to myself…”

Jennifer Aniston — Photog Swarm is Crippling Neighborhood
“…the paps have been stirring up constant mayhem for weeks — creating traffic problems, blocking driveways, and even causing a few minor car accidents…”

Justin Timberlake, Mila Kunis Explain Hacking Scandal Photos
“At no time did Mr. Timberlake and Ms. Kunis exchange inappropriate texts or emails. … The insistence that there is any inappropriate correspondence between the two parties is entirely false.”

Gerard Butler Explains His Drastic Weight Loss
“I’m prepping for a surf movie.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Oliva Munn’s photo shoot for the latest issue of Shape magazine.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for anti-gay rant
“I’m not a hateful person and don’t condone any kind of violence against others.”

Bret Lockett — I never actually met Kim Kardashian
“Although he maintains to have carried on a ‘physical relationship’ with Kim Kardashian, NFL guy Bret Lockett finally admitted … he has never even met her in person.”

Russell Crowe goes on anti-circumcision rant
“Circumcision is barbaric and stupid. Who are you to correct nature?”

Kanye West romantically linked to Mary Kate Olsen
“The two were said to be making out at the club and they left together.”

Shia LaBeouf: I’m done with Transformers
“I imagine they’ll reboot it at some point with someone else.”

Tired, wet fans angry with the Black Eyed Peas
“What, Will.I.Am can’t play in the rain? Is Fergie’s hair gonna get wet?”

Nicole Scherzinger tries not to read Cheryl Cole, X Factor headlines
“As for the woman she replaced as a judge, she called Cole ‘a lovely, beautiful girl.’”

Khloe Kardashian defends Kim’s shocking prenup
“Do you know what kind of day and age this is? Everybody needs a prenup.”

Ricki Lake sued for starting house fire
“…Kousayan reportedly spoke with emergency responders who claim that on the scene, Lake essentially admitted to causing the blaze.”

Hugh Hefner’s fiancée, Crystal Harris releases debut song
“My dad was a singer in the UK, and I got my pipes from him.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Legendary supermodel Heidi Klum in a new “Body By Milk” commercial.

President Trump? ‘We think it’s a stunt,’ says an NBC exec
“If he wants to spout off about things, we’re happy to let him. But our inclination is that he’s not serious about running for president. We think it’s a stunt.”

Rebecca Black under police protection following death threats
“One of the threats came over the phone and another emailed.”

Lady Gaga calls Madonna plagiarism charges “retarded”
“I’m a songwriter. I’ve written loads of music. Why would I try to put out a song and think I’m getting one over on everybody?”

After much ado, Lady Gaga approves ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic parody
“Yankovic said the singer’s manager has apologized to him for the mix-up…”

Dr. Dre victorious in lawsuit against Death Row Records
“Dre will now receive all of the online sales for his classic album, while Death Row can only sell the album in CD, 8-track, vinyl or cassette form…”

Catherine Zeta-Jones: ‘There is no need to suffer silently’
“If my revelation of having bipolar II has encouraged one person to seek help, then it is worth it.”

Lindsay Lohan dropped then added back to Gotti flick
“Lindsay is no longer going to play Victoria Gotti … but instead will take on the role of John Gotti Jr.’s daughter-in-law Kim.”

50 Cent joins Nicole Scherzinger tor ‘Right There’ music video
“‘Well, I was really wanting to date her,’ the rapper said with a grin.”

Chris Martin hates Gwyneth Paltrow’s pretentious dinner parties
“It’s a little odd when your hubby doesn’t want to talk at a party promoting your project, no?”

Justin Timberlake to host Saturday Night Live
“…while he’s never officially joined the cast of the show, JT has made it clear that he’s right at home on the long-running sketch comedy program.”

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen unveil new optical line
“Just one week after announcing their new online shopping site, the Olsen twins are at it again.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Jessica Simpson behind the scenes of her shoot for People’s “50 Most Beautiful People” issue.

The most ridiculous part is at 3:33 when it comes time for a pizza song. It makes me feel like how David Berkowitz when he had a meaningful conversation with his dog.

No wonder these girls are billionaires. This is truly an artistic triumph.

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Dutch model Lara Stone is suing Playboy for publishing naked pics of her, that she knowingly let someone take at some point for some reason, other than to be published by Playboy. Got it?!

>>> Mary-Kate Olsen thinks she had a bad childhood. No, I am not kidding…

>>> Musician Wyclef Jean announced that he will run for president of Haiti. Sean Penn is suspicious. Again, not kidding…

>>> By now you’ve heard that Laurence Fishburne’s teenage daughter is in an adult film. What you may not have heard is that this is not Montana Fishburne’s first film. Oh, and that she was a hooker. Aww yeah…

>>> Spencer Pratt admitted that his marriage to Heidi Montag was fake. He also sort of called Lauren Conrad a lesbian. None of this shocks me.

>>> Scientologists think they can fix Lindsay Lohan. I can’t believe it took them this long.

>>> They better get going on Lindsay soon because she is apparently a bi-polar meth addict, according to a “source”.

>>> In other Lohan news, Lindsay’s dad Michael is now having regular sex with a chick (pictured at right) who, by my estimate, appears to be barely older than Lindsay herself. Playa…

>>> In other celebrity jailbird news, Charlie Sheen weaseled his way out of having to serve any time… at all. Lindsay Lohan really needs to hire his lawyer.

>>> Tila Tequila is set to star in a porn film.

>>> Or maybe she isn’t. Either way, who cares, right?

>>> Alicia Keys got married.

>>> Jillian Michaels is being sued… again… for her sh-tty weight loss products… that “might kill you”.

>>> In this week’s Mel Gibson news, Mel allegedly wrote an e-mail to Oksana blaming “tranquilizers” for punching her in the mouth while she was holding their infant daughter.

>>> Lady Gaga says she uses cocaine. I still don’t care.

And since I always like to leave you with a nice video, here’s Eminem and Rihanna’s new video for Love the Way You Lie, which just so happens to feature Megan Fox…

That wasn’t all Dwayne did to freak out kids though…check him out dressing like Miley Cyrus. Yeah. That’s pretty normal.

The Kids’ Choice Awards is just an odd show. I don’t know what kids like but if I’m judging by this show (and Marlon Wayans’ Miley Cyrus thong joke at the link above), it’s a creepy older man saying borderline lecherous things and then getting doused with sticky viscous liquids. Which is pretty much counterintuitive to all of my adventures in babysitting.

Bonus: The best jizzy sliming ever belongs to 2004′s hit on the Olsen Twins. Skip to 1 minute in.

Who knew that all you had to do to get famous women naked for photoshoots was to put your name on the book title? Given that bit of intel, look forward to my new book “Chris’s Big Book O’ Hollywood Gynecological Exams” in stores next December. The “O’” makes it classy; even classier than the idea of me doing the photoshoots with a camera phone, a shoehorn, and an overly enthusiastic smile on my face.

Below, in order: Angie Harmon, Michelle Trachtenberg, Ashley Olsen (seriously), Mary-Kate Olsen (double seriously), Gina Gershon, Elisha Cuthbert, and Lauren Graham. Way more in the book so check that out.

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