Nothing is more American than the Harlem Globetrotters trotting out in red, white, and blue uniforms and entertaining crowds with dazzling basketball and an occasional prank or two. So, I feel pretty confident in saying people won’t mind a video of men dressed in the colors of our great country upstaging the Bin Laden death bonanza.

Here’s Big G, the Globetrotters mascot, showing off his dance moves this past Saturday at Liverpool Echo arena. It’s arguably some of the greatest stuff we’ve ever seen from a mascot, although, we still believe the Syracuse Orangemen mascot might have a leg up in that regard. Am I right?

A study in the UK released a while back said that some beloved food mascots such as Tony the Tiger and Coco the Monkey are contributing to children’s obesity. But they’re not the only mascots who seem capable of misdeeds. For example, take a look at these delinquents below.

7 Mayor McCheese

Sells: McDonald’s
Most Likely to: Get your child to wonder how delicious their own head must be

You’d expect a political figure in a major economic power like McDonaldland to be above reproach, but you’d be mistaken. Think about it. How does a lifelong criminal like the Hamburglar escape the law time and time again in a land where 90% of the populace is a food item themselves? Do you know the outrage that must be in every issue of the Daily Hamburgian? But for some reason the police force can’t wrangle the most incompetent (yet persistent) criminal of all time. Smells like corruption to me.

Plus how can you trust an adult dressed in a sash? Maybe a beauty pageant contestant. Or a guy dressed like a New Year’s baby. But anybody else… notsomuch.

6 The M&Ms

Sells: M&Ms
Most Likely to: Be voiced by Jon Lovitz

I kind of feel bad for these two because they have it tough. Not only are people always chasing them around, trying to take a bite out of their skull, but they also depend upon eating miniature versions of themselves for sustenance. For example:

Now if those M&Ms would do that to their own people, imagine what they’d do to you as soon as you turn your back. Have you been roasted like a pig as two talking M&Ms wear Tiki masks and dance around you? Well, probably not because they’re not real, but still. It’d be a pretty cool visual. If not slightly uncomfortable for you. I think you’d be delicious though, if it’s any consolation.

5 Colonel Sanders

Sells: KFC, Slaves
Most Likely to: Curse the day Lincoln was born; Drink mint juleps

Yes, I know what you’re thinking…if I can’t trust a slave owner-looking dapper dressed Southern man who fills my arteries with sweet fatty fried breading, who can I trust? It’s counterintuitive, yes, but take a look at this quote from a story about his much-discussed “secret recipe”:

Vials of the herbs and spices are also stored in the secret filing cabinet.

“The smell is overwhelming when you open it,” said one of two keepers of the recipe in an interview at company headquarters.

Others have tried to replicate the recipe, and occasionally someone claims to have found a copy of Sanders’ creation. The executive said none have come close, adding the actual recipe would include some surprises.

Secret cabinets, overwhelming smells, and something what would “surprise me”. I don’t think I’d be putting a lot of stock in my longterm health if I’m a KFC regular. On the plus side, rat droppings have a shelflife of 50 years, so their presence as a secret ingredient will only be inside of you until approximately the time Miley Cyrus becomes our first female President.

4 Kool-Aid Man

Sells: Kool-Aid
Most Likely to: Make your child run headfirst into a wall in an attempt to break through and provide the people within with delicious diabetes-inducing nectar

It’s always been a guideline by which I live my life: Never swallow the bodily fluids of anyone who busts into your home. I had to learn that the hard way. Now far be it from me to say that a Dane Cook bit really speaks to my experience in life, but this clip pretty much sums up the poor logic associated with the Kool-Aid Man’s antics.

He may have good intentions, but I wouldn’t leave that living bowl of juice to tend to my children. They’d end up disoriented, sad, and covered in red, viscous liquid. And while that would certainly prepare them for their future vocations as prostitute murderers, it still doesn’t seem like the best idea. And I’d rather they learn that skill-set on the job.

3 The Noid

Sells: Domino’s Pizza
Most Likely to: Touch you inappropriately with one of those plastic tables in the middle of a pizza

The Noid was simply one confused individual. His job was to get people to buy pizzas, but he’d steal them or attempt to destroy them. Any mascot that has a slogan that explicitly tells me to avoid it should probably be kept out of my life. Check out his creative, albeit misguided, attempt at taking an innocent pizza’s life below:

But if he’s selling people pizzas, why would he be trying to steal or ruin them? Perhaps to get them to buy more pizza, in which case…pretty clever. But if he was just blowing it up in crazy ways for his deranged amusement, which seems more logical, then he just has issues.

2 Refrigerator Raider

Sells: Milk, I think
Most Likely to: Not make any sense. At all.

Don’t know who that little scamp in the clip above is? Neither did I until one of the members of my research team (i.e. people on IM whom I ask “HAY CAN YOU HALP ME WITH LIST”) pointed him my way.

Apparently, Refrigerator Raider was part of an ad campaign by the American Dairy Council in the early 90s whose goal was, judging by the commercial, to lock your children in the refrigerator so that they get their daily dose of milk. And just like he loved and left the cake and milk in the fridge, Refrigerator Raider made one appearance and disappeared, never to be seen again. But you just know he’s lurking out there, with his cyborg eyes, announcing his name to anyone within earshot.

1 Chester Cheetah

Sells: Cheetos
Most Likely to: Introduce your child to intravenous cheese dust use

You look at Chester Cheetah and his exuberant energy and his unflinching speed and endurance and, presumably, crazy schemes involving awful video games. For example, this video game…”Chester Cheetah: Too Cool to Fool” (note: for actual enjoyment of the awfulness of Chester, turn the sound off. For unintentional comedy in the form of someone desperately trying to imitate the Angry Video Game Nerd but failing miserably, keep the sound on).

All drug jokes aside, seriously, it’d probably be less messy to do mountains of coke like Al Pacino in Scarface than eating a bag of Cheetos. It always struck me as near impossible to eat Cheetos without ending up looking like I crawled through an orange-dyed attic for an hour and a half. So not only was I eating myself into an early grave, but I looked like a complete slob afterward. No wild cat with amazingly cool sunglasses should be able to persuade me into such a fate. But look, he can dunk! That is SO in my face! I’m sold!

No joke…I’m pretty sure that this is what the end of the world looks like. It’s easy to conjure up images of flaming horses and demons decapitating men, women and children but I’m inclined to think that when the world reaches its organic end, it’ll just be a mess of illogical things coming together and then radio silence. Like you’ll see horses riding fat women and giant cockroaches wearing moo-moos and Asian people driving within the lines of the road while making mistakes on their abacuses (why would they do that while driving? Who knows man, end of the world). So yeah, my theory. And when you see the elephant tap dancing down the street singing the Cookie Crisp jingle you’ll look back on this day and go, “Man, Chris was right.” Then probably get trampled. But still.

on 205th recommends…

You see, Bango tore his ACL and will now have to undergo surgery in March (note him rolling around in pain after falling through the hoop). And usually injuries like this are gruesome and tough to watch. But because he’s in an adorable costume, it seems like fun and whimsy! A mascot could have been behind JFK’s assassination and I’d be like, “Ha ha look at him over there with his widdle sniper rifle! He’s so wacky and good at distracting me from life’s worries!”

[via]

on 205th recommends…

The Gaylord Camel

If you think camels pee a lot normally, wait until you get a few brews in them.

The Cornell Big Red Mascot

Not only would this guy be a ton of fun but you’d piss off Andy Bernard so much

Sparty

Trust me, he’s been wanting to show people what’s underneath that skirt for a long time

The Providence College Friar

Come on, how many times in your life will you see a drunk monk? A priest maybe, but a friar?

Nebraska Lil Red

I’ve always wanted to know what it’d be like to see Big Boy get drunk. Its always been a childhood fantasy of mine.

John Harvard

I’m down with drinking with any mascot they gave a full name too. I wonder how John Harvard likes those apples?

The Austin Peay Governor

How can you deny guys in top hats getting drunk? Especially when they represent politicians.

Western Kentucky Hilltopper

I don’t really have a good reason for this one other than wanting to see a big blob of fur get drunk. By the way, is he a relative of Snuffleupagus?

The Dayton Flyer

Hey, he’s already got his beer goggles on so he’s ready to go.

Wake Forest Demon Deacon

Doesn’t this mascot look one of the old guys from the muppets?

The bear subtlely undressed himself while JoJo and her ample cleavage seemed none the wiser. Note that bear’s hand position. He knows what he’s doing.

This is all too reminiscent of me the last time I was at a school. As I sat there with my unbuttoned overalls and a security guard shining a flashlight in my face, I knew the jig was up.

Well, this tourney features Wildcats, Bulldogs, Tigers, and Huskies.

Names that sound tough, names that invoke fear in the heart of an opponent.

But Saints and Hilltoppers?

Hell, that ain’t scaring anybody.

Guyism takes a look at the worst mascots of the 2008 NCAA Tournament.

Western Kentucky Hilltoppers-To fully appreciate how dumb this mascot is, you need to look at somebody who dresses up as one of these things. Can somebody get back to me when they figure out what that is?

Xavier Musketeers-Last I checked the Musketeers were French. Have the French ever put the Fear of God in anybody? Don’t they just run and hide when trouble starts brewing?

Kent State Golden Flashes-Kent State would have been better off if it was “Flash” the superhero. But a golden flash with a pseudo angry bird in it just isn’t doing it for me.

Siena Saints-Not a saint as in a halo around your head but a Saint Bernard. Give him credit though, he does visit patients at the local hospital.

UMBC Retreivers-Quick, what’s the first thing that comes to mind when somebody says Retreivers. I think of Lassie. And Lassie didn’t do anything bad. He helped people. Damn smart dog too.

Cornell Big Red-When I think of Big Red, I think of gum.

Saint Mary Gaels- The fact most people have to search what a gael is makes it a staple on this list.

Austin Peay Governors-If there was a best of the worst award, the Governors would take it. I realize Austin Peay was a former governor of Tennessee but did you really have to go that far in explaining it to the people. You think George Washington’s mascot is the Presidents or something?

Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils-Why is this on the list? Because when your school has that many syllables in your names, you should be something like the Suns or the Bears

Texas A&M Aggies-i’ve always like the 12th man thing A&M did. But an Aggie? A person who attends an agricultural college. Come on, you gotta come up with something better than that.