Snooki did not partake in the balloon popping competition because she has a fear of balloons. I don’t know how she came up with something more absurd than the competition itself, but there you go.

I didn’t realize that reporters were supposed to be the cool teachers who allow you to cut class twice a semester without punishment. I strongly dislike the female sledder. Yes lady pushing 40, you have all the answers and the way you’re sledding down an icy hill mere feet from oncoming traffic is brilliant. Keep stupidly sledding the days away like you’re Calvin and/or Hobbes, preferably while drunk or covered in lubricant. You’ll show that damn weasely reporter!

Love the male anchor, though. Takes a lot of balls in today’s climate to go “Wah wah wah” to someone on a live newscast. You’ve come a long way, Seattle.

Like the moves, love the shame. If there’s one thing the news needs, it’s less reporting on news and more men on poles. If I were Brian Williams, I’d watch my ass right now. WNWO is innovating out there. Just a matter of time before everyone else falls in line.

Yes, Henry. The world needed to know that Los Angeles and its neighboring regions are going to have the same moderate temperatures they have every day of the season. How could the people have lived without knowing those things? You’re a real hero.

VIDEO: KTLA’s Henry DiCarlo Throws A Fit When There’s Not Enough Time For His Forecast [TV Spy]

While I’m sure the jokes are tiresome at this point, if anyone can understand and forgive the perils of accidentally dropping “semen” somewhere you shouldn’t, it’s Bill Clinton.

Poor Christian Bale. All he wants to do is hang out with some guy under house arrest and he can’t do that? Don’t they know he’s from Hollywood? Show some respect.

Either way, if I’m one of these Chinese guards and I hear an incoherent unnecessarily guttural voice having trouble breathing through a latex mask, I’m definitely shitting myself.

Christian Bale And China Are Fucking Done, Professionally [Dlisted]

The seven potatoes watching this newscast will be irreparably traumatized.

Now obviously we can’t say she’s drunk on-air because I wasn’t there and you weren’t there. But having heard drunk people in my life once or twice, Annie Stensrud sure seems like it.

Then again, if I had to live in Mankato, I’d probably be shitfaced half the time, too. No offense, Minnesota, you’re okay by me, but I’d probably have a more relaxing and fulfilling vacation in Freddie Mercury’s colon than in your state.

On-Air Blooper of the Day [The Daily What]

Is it really something to brag about that putting on a pair of goofy “Elton-John-as-a-stoner” glasses are the closest you’ve come to smoking pot? Yeah, smoking is a personal choice (uh, assuming it’s legally prescribed in your state) and whatever. But you show me a woman who claims to have never smoked pot in her life and I’ll show you a bore and a liar.

Why has no local news station ever just decided to let locals tell you the news stories of the day? I know people working in broadcast journalism like to pretend it’s so hard to be in front of a camera and read a teleprompter, but you’re telling me you wouldn’t rather watch a show made of people like Carter Johnson telling you the news rather than some overly hairsprayed “attractive in the early 90s” type populating local TV newscasts across the nation? If you want to revitalize local TV, I can show you the way so long as you have open minds, hearts, and a lot of coonskin hats.

Hot Slut Of The Day! [Dlisted]

I guess there’s nothing wrong with having fun, but how do you call yourself a reporter when you do something like this? Edward R. Murrow saved his grape costumes for kinky sexual adventures, not while reporting the news.

Either way, I wouldn’t be shocked if Pat Collins introduced a wayward teen to the ol’ Sandusky special at some point, gesturing wildly and possibly costumed all the way.

Early Bird Special [The Daily What]

Hey, I don’t blame any of these outlets. It’s not an easy name to spell. Before I did some Googling, I was planning on spelling his name in this article with a smiley face emoticon and an ASCII drawing of a naked man holding his genitals. In hindsight, that definitely seems like it’d be in poor taste.

For the record, this is obviously viral marketing for something. Uploaded by a YouTube channel called UserExperiencesWork with a buzzword-y description, it reeks of it.

That said, even if she were “working the magazine correctly,” she can’t fucking read, dude. Cut her some slack. If I didn’t know what words were and I had only touched an iPad before, I’d probably be lost, too. But then once she learns how to read she’ll go, “Oh, okay.” And then be like, “Wait, did you guys seriously give me Marie Claire to read? I’m two you assholes, what is this, some kind of sick joke?” And hopefully she realizes that she’s being exploited and joins the circus. That’d show them.

iPad Baby Can’t Work a Magazine [Gawker]

The YouTube user FunnyLocalNews has been unearthing a lot of hilarious news clips lately, but without context, I feel like I’m missing something. It’s like watching an adult film and skipping all of the set-up and foreplay and just getting to some dude blowing his load on a girl who made a lot of bad choices in her life. It’s just depressing without being able to pretend like there’s a professional operation going on.

Even crazier than the fact that Andy Rooney has done 1,097 episodes of 60 Minutes or that he’s been on the show since its inception in 1968 is that Andy Rooney is 92 years old. NINETY TWO! It’s easy to make fun of Andy Rooney’s doddering borderline senility and meandering ramblings, but Jesus, at 92, it’s a wonder he’s not just a pile of dust in a jar somewhere.

So here’s to you, Andy Rooney. You may have been irrelevant before I was bored, but you’re definitely a dude who did something for a long period of time.

Rooney’s final segment on 60 Minutes will air nationally this Sunday on CBS.

Andy Rooney Out of Context [Holy Taco via Warming Glow]

LOL it’s funny because I have heard of Snakes on a Plane when it came out three years ago but now this is happening and it’s kind of like that but NOT AT ALL! And it’s also hilarious when people want to make a joke but probably can’t make one so they go, “Insert your own jokes here!” and then I LOL because jokes that don’t actually exist that I’m being asked to make entirely on my own are definitely the funniest! Is this ABC News Now or Def Comedy Jam? So much rofling to to do!!!!

The Most Hackneyed News Copy Ever In His Pants? [Videogum]

I’m just glad the fact that her head and mouth completely stopped working didn’t stop her from getting that perfect accent on her last name. When you’re a Latina reporter, that’s as important as anything else. Like for a second, I totally forgot her incompetence at reporting and was like, “What a dignified woman.”

Either way though, it’s not like it’s important to find out what what the guy they’re talking about in the news story said. He got extra pay for being bilingual. Whoop dee doo. My life would not be enriched by finding out he said, “Woo hoo!” or some bilingual iteration of that, I assume. I guess we’ll never know.

I don’t know if any of you will find it as amusing as I did, but the reporter’s look of defeat combined with the enthusiasm of (what I presume) the drunken homeless man’s profanity really brought me great joy. Which is really all I ask for in my news reports about women losing their apartments and being forced to live in a Best Western.

Here’s why I just don’t buy that Anderson Cooper is some hilarious dude like some people like to say. Yes, it’s funny that Gerard Depardieu is pissing on a rug like a precocious puppy, but these jokes are Dora the Explorer caliber at best. Laughter fits about as well in this segment as it would in another Anderson Cooper 360 segment about Rwandan genocide.

Early Bird Special [The Daily What]

You can practically feel Beamer thinking racial epithets that typically only come out over a glass of whiskey or a particular overzealous Girl Scout.