A California doctor is being sued for branding his patient’s uterus with her name after removing it, The Smoking Gun reported Monday.

Dr. Red Alinsod applied an “electrocautery device to carve and burn” Ingrid Paulicivic’s first name into her removed uterus during an operation he performed at his Orange County office in 2009.

Alinsod called the unusual act a “friendly gesture,” since the patient was a “good friend.” He told the website he “did not want to get it confused with others.”

Doctor Accused of Branding Patient’s Uterus [My Fox Orlando]

Lower courts ruled that the doctor had not committed a crime, but the prosecution and patient appealed to the Finnish Supreme Court.

The patient claims that the doctor, after obtaining her permission, sucked on the 20-year-old woman’s nipple to taste fluid that leaked out after an ultrasound. The doctor claimed that it was an old trick used by midwives.

Other medical organizations in Finland questioned the methods of the doctor, but the lower courts ruled that, due to the patient’s consent, they could not deem the practice to be inappropriate.

I don’t have a medical license, but it seems to be that, in this age of newfangled technology like “microscopes” and “blood tests,” sucking on a woman’s nipple should probably not be a part of your doctor’s regimen. In fact, if I’m the doctor, I’m not sure that I’d want to go sucking on random nipples either. At the very least, he probably shouldn’t have told swirled the liquid around and told her that the nipple fluid had a “rich bouquet.”

Nipple-Sucking Doctor To Face Court In Finland [My Fox DC]

Woo is accused of shoving Chinese herbal powder into a woman’s cooch in an attempt to treat her digestive problems. He also allegedly convinced a woman he needed to examine a woman internally (it’s unclear how exactly he accomplished this) to hit a pressure point that was affecting a hormonal imbalance.

The most tame claim against him? He stroked a third patient’s nipples to “stimulate her hormones.”

The Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal banned Woo from re-applying for his medical license for two years, saying that his processes were not medical and in fact “for his own sexual gratification.”

One can only assume the VCAT and the female patients of Australia’s gain is the big big loss of the rubber glove industry.

Doctor banned for bizarre patient sex exams [Nine.msn.au]
Image Source [Flickr]

The businessman, 55, was forced to undergo an emergency operation after his problem persisted for a staggering 21 days.

Doctors at a hospital in Kolkata, India, eventually performed the surgery to put the middle-aged man out of his misery.

But although the hour-long operation was successful, it rendered the man impotent.

Doctor Avishek Mukherjee said: “It was very late when the man sought treatment.

“The treatment has to be sought within six hours, otherwise it could even lead to death, besides the degeneration of the penis.”

To enlighten you to the science of this a bit (and also kill your erections for the time being), the cause of the erection was the usual-penis-ruiner of a priapism, a condition which prevents blood from leaving the penis. In order to prevent gangrene, the typical treatment for such a priapism may involve using a large needle to forcibly drain the blood out of the organ, not unlike what Robert Pattinson might do in between scenes while method acting on the set of “Twilight.”

Man Undergoes Emergency Surgery for 21-Day Erection [My Fox NY]
Image via [Awkward Boners]

Image credit

Cheeky robbers left a mugging victim with a mystery pain that doctors only got to the bottom of four months later – when they found a knife buried in her buttocks.

Being robbed is a pain in the rear end at the best of times, but as you can see from this remarkable X-ray Ying Shi, 26, was left with a nasty reminder of the ordeal.

‘All I remember of the night was a stabbing pain in my backside. I thought they had just slashed me, I didn’t realise the whole blade had gone all the way in,’ she said.

Doctors in Shanghai, eastern China, were stumped by Ying’s stomach complaints, until they performed a scan.

‘I am amazed they missed it the first time around but very relieved that they’ve found it now,’ she said.

I mean, it is China. They were probably surprised that anything that long ended up in someone’s rear in their country. Ahhhhhh penis jokes. So easy and so predictable.

Anyway, that’s kind of rude. I can’t imagine this girl was carrying so much money…you lose a knife in someone’s rear but steal $40, that doesn’t make fiscal sense. You’re cutting in on your profit margins. This is why criminals never get that promotion to senior management they’ve been working so hard for.

[MetroUK]

Avoiding masturbation and homosexual activities are among preventive measures one could take against Influenza A (H1N1), according to an eminent practitioner of complimentary therapy.

Dr. V. M. Palaniappan said that such activities caused the body to develop friction heat which in turn, produced acid and made the body hyperacidised.

“Thus, the body becomes an easy target for H1N1 infection,” he told Bernama, emphasising however, that normal sexual union between members of the opposite sex was absolutely safe.

The former associate professor of ecology at Universiti Malaya has authored several books on complementary therapy called, ‘Ecological Healing System’.

Dr Palaniappan said his 33 years of research had shown that high acidity in the body resulted in loss of immunity, thus making people more susceptible to viral diseases like Influenza A (H1N1).

Dr Palaniappan’s blog: http://ecohealingsystem.blogspot.com/ discusses the therapy in more detail.

Man, it must be awesome to be a doctor in an underegulated region. You could totally just say that Absurd Thing X causes Illness Y and people would go, “Hmm, he does seem to be a doctor and he is wearing pants, so I can probably believe what he’s saying.” But being a witch doctor or shaman would be even more awesome. Then you can blame a drought or famine on the fact that women aren’t having enough sex with you. When I try to get that point across now, my research is hardly taken seriously.

[via]

A Fulton County jury has awarded $1.8 million in damages to a boy whose penis was severed in a botched circumcision.

The state court jury gave another $500,000 to the boy’s mother in the decision rendered Friday.

The case involves a child, identified only as D.P. Jr., who was born at South Fulton Medical Center in 2004. In a suit filed two years later, his mother contended that the doctor who circumcised him removed too much tissue and that his pediatrician failed to respond when a nurse complained of excessive bleeding.

The tip of the penis was placed in a biohazard bag and might have been reattached if a urologist had attended to the boy within eight hours, one of the mother’s lawyers, David J. Llewellyn of Atlanta, said.

“This case does point out one of the dangers of circumcision that every parent must seriously consider when having the procedure done,” Llewellyn said. He contended that parents are not told of the risks of the procedure.

[via]

I try to avoid the doctors whenever I can because, really, it’s not like you can catch AIDS twice. But they’re always such dicks. Like you never have a doctor who’s like excited to see you, unless you’re a 20 year-old sorority girl and your gynecologist finally gets a break from the 70 year-old cooches that look like rotting slices of ham. It’s always “Yeah yeah, what’s wrong, bend over” and you’re like, “But doctor, I just came in for this wrist injury…that doesn’t feel like a gloved finger at all! Oh..oh…no…oh…OH STOP!” But he doesn’t stop. Anyway, my wrist still hurts.

[via]

Yeah a nurse isn’t a paramedic, but would you rather see a SEXUAL PREDATOR here? I think not!

They answer the call 24-7, often risking their own safety to rescue the sick and injured and rush them to the hospital. But some paramedics have been more predator than hero.

Over the past 18 months, at least 129 ambulance attendants across the U.S. have been accused of sex-related crimes on duty or off, an investigation by The Associated Press found. Some of them molested patients in the back of an ambulance.

“It’s a dream job for a sexual predator,” said Greg Kafoury, a Portland, Ore., lawyer who represents three women who were groped by a paramedic. “Everything is there: Women who are incapacitated, so they’re hugely distracted. Medical cover to put your hands in places where, in any other context, a predator would be immediately recognized as such.”

But, even better, are the anecdotes of sexual assault from this article:

* A Standish, Mich., paramedic sent to prison in March for molesting a girl who was on her way to the hospital after she was injured at her 15th birthday party.
* A Pinellas County, Fla., paramedic arrested in July after he allegedly sexually assaulted a woman in an ambulance en route to a hospital.
* A Chester County, Pa., paramedic sentenced in July to up to 20 years in prison for engaging in sex and providing alcohol to teenagers he befriended through their interest in emergency medical service.
* A Chattanooga, Tenn., EMT accused in a lawsuit of giving a 30-year-old woman an extra dose of morphine and then completely undressing her in the back of an ambulance even though her injuries were minor.

My favorite:

* A Copperas Cove, Texas, paramedic awaiting trial in January on charges he exposed and touched an 18-year-old accident victim’s breasts while pretending to tend to her injuries.

There’s nothing worse than being a supple 18 year-old girl calling the paramedics for a broken toe and then having him undress you and examine your breasts to tend to your injuries. Oh wait, there are nerve endings in my nipples that connect to my toe? Oh, go right ahead then sir, you’re the licensed professional.

I’m thinking these lewd paramedics probably are going to be out of a job soon if they aren’t already. And after getting caught like this, you probably want to do something a little less risky. Might I suggest a mortician? Though I guess it’s kind of awkward that the woman’s disembodied spirit will have to watch you fondle her dead body. Wait, did I say awkward. I meant hot. Sorry, I get those two words confused all the time. Unless she turns into a zombie. In which case, well, you knew the risks when you got into this game, didn’t you?

[source]

Results published today in the journal Cell show the drugs turn ordinary mice into trim marathon champions. There should be no shortage of volunteers ready see if they do they same in humans.

The two drugs, which go by their scientific names AICAR and GW1516, have two different target demographics: Couch potatoes might consider AICAR, which seems to build endurance and encourage fat burning through the same molecular processes that go on during real exercise. GW1516 may be more for athletes, because it boosted endurance even more but only if the mice did about 30 minutes of treadmill running a day

Study leader Ronald Evans of the Salk Institute started by genetically engineering mice to have unusual physical endurance and a seeming inability to store fat no matter how much they ate. He then studied how the altered gene worked, and sought drugs that would do the same thing.

Evans said he thinks the drugs could have the biggest and most immediate benefit for people with muscular dystrophy, other muscle-wasting diseases, or disabilities that make exercise impossible. But the promise of exercise-in-a-pill will be seductive to everyone from the mildly flabby weekend warrior to the aspiring Olympic medalist.

Honestly, I work out regularly and I’d still take this crap in a heartbeat. Granted, it has to have some sort of horrific side-effect, like it would make my left testicle blow up or something, but the gym is pretty boring and filled with sweaty men. I’d much rather do something in the comfort of my own home. And moderate the number of sweaty men I have coming in and out. Seems like a pretty good deal to me.

The only problem is that fatsos love eating so much, they’d probably eat like 20 of these in one sitting and end up completely disappearing. Wait, did I say “the only problem”? Because that probably makes it even more awesome that we could exterminate them too. Man, this pill has everything I want. If it made me ejaculate too, I’d never need anything else in life ever. Except love. :(

A suburban Kansas City man said he feels fine, even though a nailgun accidentally fired a 2.5-inch nail into the top of his head.

The mishap occurred last Friday while George Chandler of Shawnee, Kan., and a friend were doing a project in a back yard.

The nailgun hose became tangled, causing the powerful tool to fire one nail. Chandler on Monday said he told his friend he did not know where the nail went, but he felt a sting on the top of his head.

“He looked at me and said, ‘I need a claw hammer,”‘ Chandler recalled. “I thought, ‘Ah, he’s just teasing.”‘

So the doctor borrowed a claw hammer from a worker to finish the job and sent Chandler home with a few stitches.

God I love smalltown life. It’s just so simple. Like you flunk out of craftsmanship school, become a doctor, get drunk off of Jim Bean, and then decide to live out your dreams of being a carpenter at your medical facility! Fun fact: That was also how Jesus cured people. With a claw hammer.

Similar story happened to me and a bowling trophy. Only instead of a claw hammer, it was a lubed up glove, a flashlight, and a whole lot of remorse. Sigh. That’s just how big city life is, I suppose. You put one thing up your butt in a sober 11AM haze and people never let you live it down.

DOCTORS in Japan who carried out surgery on a man to remove a tumour had good news and bad news for him.

The good news was he did not have cancer.

The bad news: The growth that had been causing him pain was in fact a 25-year-old surgical towel.

The patient had been carrying the cloth since 1983, when surgeons left it in him after a minor operation to treat an ulcer, a spokesman for the hospital said.

“The towel was greenish blue although we are not sure about its original colour,” the Asahi General Hospital spokesman said, adding it had been crumpled to the size of a softball

OH, so the towel was greenish BLUE. Well that certainly helps clear everything up. If it were a greenish red, I’d just be perplexed.

I really don’t have anything comparable to relate back to. Like when I was little, my pediatrician left his finger in my ass a little too long. And his wrist watch. A painful reminder of why you shouldn’t go to a doctor whose office is based out of an old VW van and whose idea of accepting your health plan involves something called spacedocking. Live and learn, I guess!