Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends and holidays to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Just because kids are idiots who’ll buy anything with their favorite character’s face slapped on the box doesn’t mean that toy companies should take advantage of them. Here’s some of the most odious licensed crap to have ever been hawked as “fun” or “worth buying.”

9 WWF Thumb Wrestlers

What boy didn’t grow up and enjoy a flirtation with wrestling at some point in his life? And what boy doesn’t enjoy a good bout of physical competition of any sort? So you tie those two things together, add one plastic Hulk Hogan and one plastic Roddy Piper (because it’s logical to make one of the only free games people can play less cost-effective) and presto! You get this:

At first glance, you’d think Hogan and Piper must have also spent some time in the showers with Kamala because there’s no way of explaining their overly generous rectums otherwise. Fortunately, it’s okay…the holes are actually in the spine of the toys, not the bung. Still, thumb wrestling seems so much less innocent when there’s shirtless men involved and victory seems to entail forcibly sodomizing your opponent.

8 Spider-Man Web Shooters

One can only assume that Hasbro bought companies that had an excess of both rubber gloves and silly string when releasing this poor excuse for Spider-Man’s web. Or they just wanted a quick buck, which is stunning for a multinational corporation.

You could certainly see the appeal as a child of wanting to be like Spider-Man, with his web slinging him around, sticking from building to building. Then you can see less of an appeal when you actually buy the product and end up with one gloved hand (like Michael Jackson) shooting a sticky fluid at young young male friends while pretending that it’s web (also like Michael Jackson).

7 The Simpsons Don’t Have a Cow boardgame

Of course, the first thing that comes to mind with The Simpsons is how careful they are with their brand. Matt Groening and 20th Century Fox were never ones to latch The Simpsons name onto any old piece of crap, of course. So clearly a Simpsons dice game is going to be as revolutionary and unique as the show was.

Roll the 8 cubes which have pictures each of the 5 Simpsons. Try to match classic combinations like Homer and Marge, Bart and Homer or the 3 Simpson kids.

Players bet either against or with the dice roller. Losing bets go to the roller, winning bets come from the bank.

So hold on. This isn’t even a board game…it’s not even craps. It’s basically you rolling dice with little yellow people’s faces on them (which, for the record, you had to STICK ON YOURSELF…lazy child laborers at the factory not doing it for me), hoping that certain combinations come up. You wouldn’t see Ashy Larry with such an inferior product in the back alleys of Brooklyn or at the World Series of Dice, I guarantee you that much.

6 Ninja Turtles Vanilla Pudding Pies

I might be completely off base here, but I remember a different version of this pie pictured above that was yellow on the outside with green ooze on the inside. And even if that was just one of my drug-fueled 5 year-old hallucinations (of which there are many), this is still pretty heinous. Green foods of any sort are just gross, even if you’re a little kid and you really enjoy heinous things. Even ketchup, which is pretty much as simple a sell as you can get, couldn’t get something green off the ground…Heinz’s green ketchup line was discontinued in 2006.

Honestly, I don’t know why the Ninja Turtles made such a strong push towards food. I’m not sure how much stock I can put in the flavor habits of mutants who enjoyed thing like peanut butter and sardines on their pizza. Check out some of their other heinous foods here.

5 Hannah Montana Concert Candy

Sure, they’re delicious and not at all nutritious, but what immature tween with a hankering for sugar wouldn’t immediately start giggling when they see these? Then again, this was a pretty good compromise for Miley Cyrus. She’s probably not a huge fan of gummy treats but she certainly seems to have a hankering for boys and all their worldly goods, so for all we know, the phallic design may have been intentional.

4 Mario Bubble Bath

Granted, I’m not big on “bubble baths” or “personal hygiene” but this Mario bubble bath just seems like something I wouldn’t want. Mario could endorse a lot of products that I’d buy; Overalls, self-help books on how to overcome shortness, spring-loaded sneakers, even a grocer’s line of mushrooms…I’d line up for any of those. But when I picture a hairy Italian plumber having to run through a kingdom for days on end, eating all kinds of foreign foods and just working up a perpetual sweat, it’s not my first instinct to go, “Man, I’d love to smell like that fictional guy!”

Meanwhile, Bowser was powerful, daring, successful (he owned multiple castles, boats, AND flying ships) and probably smelled of the finest colognes and spices. I’m not saying Princess Peach should have picked him over Mario, but maybe she should have put a little more thought into it.

3 My Little Pony Ponyville Fancy Fashion Boutique

Girls are sugar and spice and everything nice. Apparently, the “everything nice” portion of things includes hay and horse crap because this little girl beauty kit with stuff like hair ties, shopping bags, hangers and other crap includes two perfume bottles. You can show me the prettiest pony in the world with the most lush mane and the most gorgeous physique and I can show 730 gangrenous bums who will still smell better than that pony. It’s basic Hobonomics.

2 Wonder Woman Lava Lamp

I’m doubting there are many kids who went after this one. Wonder Woman did some cool crap, sure, but I don’t think as a child anyone out there is trying to advertise their dedication to her craft.

But clearly someone out there has to have bought this. And to that person, I’m not going to say that there’s something wrong with Wonder Woman. I’m not even going to say that there’s something wrong with owning a lava lamp (it’s got lava, it supplies light, what more can you want). But when you think you need to get something to enrich your room’s ambiance and settle on a lava lamp adorned with Wonder Woman’s visage, you may need to reevaluate your priorities in life. Unless you’ve totally committed to the theme and also feature a bed made out of lassos and an invisible car that you ride to work every day. Though that may open you up to larger problems.

1 Hulk Hands

Hulk Hands could cure cancer and you’d imagine yourself looking like this guy above (assuming you’re equally as partial to tunics) and you’d probably think twice before wearing them around. On the plus side, they do awesome things like…make sounds when you hit them against things. So if you ever wanted to hear a silly growling smashing sound while hitting someone in the groin with padded hands, this might be the right purchase for you. Though I despise you for finding a way to take the humor and whimsy out of hitting someone in the groin.

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Anything that you regrettably wasted your hard-earned kid money on? You know, the crispy dollar bills you got from that stranger in the van who called them “Keep A Secret” payments? Share them below! The suggestions, not your traumatic memories.

Miley Cyrus attended the CNN Heroes Awards on Sunday and looked a little more busty than usual so naturally several “experts” have weighed in to discuss where the cause of this sudden plumpness could be coming from. (Hint: they think she had work done).

Of course, by experts I mean three people who were most definitely not paid by Star magazine to say things that sell magazines to the stupid.

“Her breasts are very nice and round and it looks like she has had them done,” said cosmetic physician Dr. Tahl Humes of Vitahl Medical Aesthetics in Colorado, using shots from the event provided by the magazine. “If you look at the volume, it appears she has had a breast augmentation.

“Whoever did them did a very good job,” Humes continued. “She might have had small implants, which is nice, because she is a small girl with a small frame.”

Humes cited the importance of the chest being in proportion with rest of the body, using an example that “Jennifer Aniston is a small person who has had small implants and that looks very natural as opposed to Pamela Anderson, who has very large implants and looks great … but that’s a different look.”

Wait a second… Pamela Anderson has breast implants?!

Also weighing in were Michael Niccole of Orange County, California’s Cosmeticare who said, “It appears that Miley has recently undergone breast enhancement surgery.”

And New Jersey-based board certified plastic surgeon Dr. Brian Glaat said the Disney star “does indeed appear to have had a breast augmentation.”

Well, I don’t know… Sure, Miley denies having any work done, but I’m going to have to study this further, experts or no experts. What do you think?

Experts: Miley Cyrus Likely Went Under The Knife For Breast Enhancement [Radar]

Oprah Winfrey sued for allegedly stealing “Own Your Power” slogan
“Simone Kelly-Brown (CEO of something called Own Your Power Communications, Inc.) claims her company has been around since 1996…”

Miley Cyrus defends gay rights tattoo
“This isn’t the first time that Miley’s sharing her beliefs on Twitter has sparked debate.”

Winehouse rep: Amy was NOT going to adopt
“I think [Amy] might have met her in St. Lucia, but she was in no way about to adopt her.”

Kings of Leon — We’re cancelling our entire U.S. tour
“We are so sorry to say Kings of Leon are canceling their entire US tour due to Caleb Followill suffering from vocal issues and exhaustion.”

Snooki gets nose pierced as filming wraps on Jersey Shore
“The cast said goodbye to their pals at the Shore Store, where they’ve worked for the past three years.”

Helen Mirren named “Body of the Year”
“The 66-year-old Mirren just beat Elle MacPherson, and Jennifer Lopez and Pippa Middleton for the title…”

Mark Wahlberg: I’ll finance an Entourage movie myself
“I certainly hope this has a chance to become a feature film.”

Britney Spears nabs Joe Jonas for Femme Fatale Tour
“Jonas tweeted Friday (July 29) that he’s opening for Spears at her August 5 stop in New Jersey.”

Samantha Ronson arrested for DUI
“Ronson, who famously dated Lindsay Lohan off and on from 2008 to 2009, was alone at the time of the arrest.”

Jennifer Aniston throws herself a going away party
“She grew up in New York and says she wants to spend much more time in the Big Apple.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Sexy star of the new movie Crazy, Stupid, Love, Analeigh Tipton, in an interview with BULLETT.

Christina Aguilera gets carried out of Hollywood club
“With her eyes half-closed and her red lipstick smudged, Aguilera, 30, wobbled in her platform shoes as she was guided carefully to a waiting car.”

Miley Cyrus rants against Urban Outfitters
“Not only do they steal from artists but every time you give them money you help finance a campaign against gay equality.”

Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight separate
“…the couple has reached a period where those differences are no longer appreciated.”

Sean Kingston stabilized after jet ski accident
“Sean was heading west from the MacArthur Causeway and Miami Beach Islands when his personal watercraft collided with the bridge, and he and his female passenger ended up in the water.”

Rob Kardashian doesn’t know if Kim & Kris will really marry
“I just don’t feel confident because Kim has always been so like, you know, she’s, how old?”

Cheryl Cole out as British X Factor judge too
“The judges for this season of the popular British show were announced today and Cole’s name was off the list.”

Estella Warren escapes escape charge
…”officials will not go forward with the felony escape charge against Warren because she hadn’t actually been booked into the system when she made a break for it…”

Rihanna wants Chris back!?!?
“The two have been secretly meeting at a friends house to test the waters.”

Snooki hits police car escort in Italy
“No one was in serious condition, although a male and female police officer were taken to the emergency room of the local Careggi hospital to be treated for whiplash, bruises and cuts.”

Jose Canseco begs Lady Gaga to marry him
“Gaga — who has been busy promoting her new album, Born This Way – has yet to respond to Canseco’s tweets.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Lindsay Lohan wearing a bikini in an art film by Richard Phillips.

Brooke Mueller tried pawning jewelry, stereo
“Brooke was desperately trying to get cash for the two items … but the store would not make the purchase because Brooke did not have a valid I.D.”

Charlie Sheen headed back to court after ex refuses drug test
“Brooke Mueller, actor Charlie Sheen’s soon-to-be ex-wife, was ordered to undergo a drug test at her Hollywood home at 5:30 p.m. Friday but refused to provide a urine sample.”

Brooke Mueller back in rehab
“Sheen’s lawyers are going to court on Tuesday to raise the issue, and we’re told Brooke’s move is a preemptive strike.”

Dog the Bounty Hunter bails Nicolas Cage out of jail
“The reality star posted Nicolas Cage’s $11,000 bond, after the Knowing star was arrested on charges of domestic violence, disturbing the peace and public drunkenness Saturday…”

Amanda Seyfried bought a dead horse
“A lot of people think it’s weird but I don’t know why.”

Sarah Lane: Close-ups of Natalie Portman’s face don’t count as dancing
“They were trying to create this image, this facade really, that Natalie had done something extraordinary, something that’s pretty much impossible.”

Hugh Hefner invited Kendra Wilkinson to his wedding via Email
“Unlike fellow Hugh Hefner ex-girlfriend Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson never saw marrying the Playboy empresario as part of her future.”

LeAnn Rimes donates her clothes to a cash-strapped fan
“She even told Joyce that she would take care of the shipping charges even though Joyce had offered to pay the expenses.”

Christina Aguilera, Jordan Bratman’s divorced finalized
“It was beautiful while it lasted.”

Miley Cyrus not feeling the love from America, won’t tour here
“Kind of going to the places where I get the most love. Don’t want to go anywhere where I don’t feel completely comfortable with it.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Kate Upton for Beach Bunny Swimwear’s Spring Collection (pics here, here, here, and here).

Man caught trying to sell Michael Jackson’s chest X-rays for $3K
“The X-rays were taken when the King of Pop was suffering from pneumonia on March 26, 2007.”

Lawyer in Michael Jackson trial says singer killed himself over finances
“The crux of the defense is going to be that Michael Jackson engaged in a desperate act and took desperate measures that caused his death.”

LeAnn Rimes fires back at reports claiming she is too thin
“To those who have to turn to other’s lives and judge with no real knowledge of how anyone lives, you can you know what!”

Wonderbra billboard voted best poster ad of all time
“In second place was Saatchi & Saatchi’s ‘Labour Isn’t Working’ poster for the Conservative Party from the 1970s.”

Bristol Palin earns $262,000 as abstinence ambassador
“The figures behind Bristol’s massive paycheck came from a Candie’s Foundation tax form from 2009.”

Miley Cyrus is back with Liam Hemsworth
“The couple were together for over a year until they called it quits in August last year.”

Alec Baldwin says 30 Rock is ending next season
“Our contracts are expired [in 2012], and Tina [Fey] is gonna have a big career directing films and writing.”

Motley Crue’s Vince Neil charged with domestic violence
“Complicating things a lot more — Neil is on probation for his DUI conviction last year.”

Madonna slams “wild and totally false” Malawi school rumors
“Neither Madonna nor Raising Malawi is being investigated by the FBI or the IRS.”

Natalie Portman’s dad wrote a book
“Misconception, the self-published debut novel by Long Island fertility specialist Dr. Avner Hershlag, [is] now making the rounds of major houses.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Rihanna behind-the-scenes for her Rolling Stone cover shoot.

Justin Timberlake, Olivia Wilde dancing, flirting all night at club
“Two of Hollywood’s hottest newly single stars found sexy solace with one another at L.A. hotspot Roxbury over the weekend.”

Miley Cyrus has rejoined Twitter
“I’m not gonna lie. I came back to twitter for 2 reasons. My fans and to follow @charliesheen #winning.”

Keanu Reeves reveals Bill And Ted 3 plot details
“When we last got together, part of it was that Bill and Ted were supposed to have written the song that saved the world, and it hasn’t happened.”

Hugh Hefner is not making Crystal Harris sign a prenup
“Hef’s third wedding is just 10 weeks away, but we’re told he hasn’t raised a prenup convo because he ‘actually cares’ about Crystal and doesn’t want to ask her to sign one.”

Jay-Z’s company sued for trademark infringement
“Despite its awareness of Volcom’s stone mark, in approximately 2009, Roc Nation began using a very similar inverted diamond logo.”

Rosie O’Donnell thinks Chris Brown haters are racist
“I just don’t know why this kid seems to be held to a different standard than anyone else.”

Elizabeth Hurley files for divorce
“In her filing, Hurley, 45, cites ‘unreasonable behavior’ as the reason for the split.”

Lil Wayne banned from performing tours In Europe
“UK fans hoping to see Lil Wayne perform in concert will have to wait for a while.”

Tiger Woods is selling his yacht
“With a permanent crew of 13, Privacy costs more than $2 million a year to maintain.”

Ke$ha wants to skinny dip with Britney Spears
“It would be a dress-up-like-Ke$ha-or-Britney party.”

Charlie Sheen bombs in Detroit, fans leave early
“After hearing chants of ‘Refund! Refund!’ and being booed, even Charlie Sheen knew his Violent Torpedo of Truth had bombed on its debut in Detroit on Saturday night.”

Snooki’s $32K appearance fee outrages Rutgers students
“The pint-size Jersey Shore star booked two Q&A sessions with the New Jersey school, which reportedly paid her $2,000 more than when they had Toni Morrison speak – a Nobel prize-winning author.”

The Situation’s contract riders are quite demanding
“No one can speak to or make eye contact with him directly.”

Candice Swanepoel could lose her contract for bring too skinny
“Like all Angels, Swanepoel, 22, is expected to be ‘healthy and muscular,’ according to her Victoria’s Secret contract.”

Courtney Love slams Kelly Osbourne for calling her a ‘crackhead’
“Kelly Osbourne and Joan Rivers called me a crackhead on the E! channel. Kelly knows I’m sober. Kelly knows there’s no drugs allowed at my house. I think it’s really lame.”

Katie Couric quits CBS Evening News to host daytime talk show
“No departure date has been set, but Couric’s contract expires June 4.”

Lindsay Lohan’s Betty Ford brawl 911 call has been released
“…I have a problem because Lindsay Lohan pushed me and hit me with the phone while I was trying to talk to you.”

Bill Murray signs on to Ghostbusters 3 and Ghostbusters 4
“Bill Murray has finally agreed to reprise the character of Dr. Peter Venkman and team up with Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson and Harold Ramis for not just one, but two Ghostbusters adventures.”

Miley Cyrus may sue over sex doll
“…despite rumours of Miley’s pending lawsuit, the company is yet to remove the doll from the market.”

Charlie Sheen, Brooke Mueller reach a custody agreement
“Both Sheen and Mueller must submit to random drug testing three times monthly. Both mom and dad are required to have nannies with them at all time in the presence of their kids.”

Miley Cyrus bashes Rebecca Black
“‘It should be harder to be an artist,’ Cyrus, 18, told Australia’s Daily Telegraph of the 13-year-old Internet sensation.”

Rihanna says beating shouldn’t impact Chris Brown’s career
“What he did was a personal thing — it had nothing to do with his career.”

George Clooney may testify in Italian sex trial
“It seems odd since I’ve only met Berlusconi once and that was in an attempt to get aid into Darfur.”

Lindsay Lohan won’t be prosecuted for rehab scuffle
“Lohan was under investigation for battery after a scuffle with Dawn Holland, a Betty Ford staff member, while there for treatment.”

Angelina Jolie gets her own comic book
“The superstar, 35, will be the subject of the comic book bio Female Force: Angelina Jolie.”

Night clubs must pay $1M if they spill the beans on the Kardashians
“According to the docs, anyone who leaks any information about the show must pay producers $1,000,000 ‘per breach.’”

Dennis Hopper’s estranged wife sues for return of her asparagus tongs
“Dennis Hopper’s estranged wife is accusing the late actor of taking her possessions to the grave, and now she wants them back.”

Model Jessica White says she’s not guilty of assault
“‘I never denied getting into an altercation,’ she says. ‘But people painted me to be the bad girl, which was 110 percent false.’”

Vida Guerra sued over birthday beat down
“Model Vida Guerra is being sued by three dudes who went to her birthday party at a Hollywood nightclub and claim they got beat down by club employees.”

Batman franchise may reboot again after next film
“But even though Nolan will be leaving the franchise as its director, good news for fans out there is that he’ll remain on as a producer …”