MillerCoors has received TTB label approval for several Miller Lite cans donning Major League Baseball team logos.

A-B is the actual sponsor of the MLB, including most of the teams, but that doesn’t mean that MillerCoors was just willing to give up on the sport of baseball like I have. They managed to become the official beer sponsor of the White Sox, Diamondbacks, Brewers, and Dodgers. They’re also now sponsors of the Royals and Padres, though the label suggests it isn’t the “official beer sponsor.” Then there is Wrigleyville, which is more a state of mind (like Margaritaville) than it is an actual place. It’s the name of the neighborhood in which the Chicago Cubs play, but that’s about it. That pretty much amounts to “The Bronx” on a can and pretending like it’s a Yankee’s beer.

I consider myself a semi-Cubs fan, but I won’t be buying any “Wrigleyville” cans. It’s a great area for bar crawls, but that’s about it. I certainly won’t be buying the other options either, but that’s more because I dislike Miller Lite. To any of the readers who are fans of these teams, would you be any more likely to buy beer with these cans? Be honest, I won’t judge you.

If you follow me on twitter, you would have been privy to the last major beer/baseball news, which was an unfortunate label for Budweiser.

tip of the ball cap to BeerNews.org

It’s October which means that it’s time to gather together to celebrate those sacred rites of fall, like the leaves turning and falling, slutty Halloween costumes and of course, the World Series. And while the World Series may not have the slutty allure of Halloween (unless, of course, you count A-Rod slutting around in his purple lipstick) it’s still a tradition worthy of our attention. But we’re not like the others here at Guyism and rather than mindlessly celebrating the best of the best, we thought we’d take a crack at making fun of some of the worst of the best. Indeed, even though all these teams are technically champions, these 9 teams all somehow managed to win it all despite the fact that they, well, kinda sucked. Perhaps that is being a little harsh, but what can you do, it’s a harsh world.

9 1916 Boston Red Sox
The 1916 Red Sox won 91 games and handily put away the Brooklyn Robins in the World Series behind the arm of a pitcher named Babe Ruth. Yeah, that Babe Ruth. So why are they on this list? Simple, even though they had the Babe pitching for them, he wasn’t doing much hitting yet and so their offense was led by the immortal Larry Gardner. Who? Exactly. This was at the tail end of the Dead Ball era so stats are a little skewed but here are Gardner’s final numbers for the season – .308 batting average, 2 HR and 62 RBI. And that was Boston’s best hitter! For the season, the Sox outscored their opponents by only 70 runs total and if it wasn’t for Babe Ruth and a pretty damn good pitching staff, the Sox probably would have spent the end of the 1916 season the same way they spent the end of almost all of the next 87 seasons – wallowing in misery and despair, gibbering about curses. But hey, at least they got to cheer on Babe Ruth for another couple of decades. Oh, wait…

8 1945 Detroit Tigers
I was hesitant to include any teams from the World War II era since so many guys were busy hunting Nazis overseas leaving Major League rosters decimated, but they still played the games and so I say we still count them. And as much as it pains me to include my beloved Detroit Tigers on this list, I am left with no choice. After all, the ’45 edition of the Tigers managed to only win 88 games in a rag tag league behind a mediocre offense and their one great player, pitcher Hal Newhouser, perhaps the one player who benefited the most from not having to play against guys like Ted Williams and Joe DiMaggio during the war years. But really, the only reason the Tigers managed to win the World Series in 1945 is because they got their big star back before anyone else, as Hank Greenberg showed up halfway through the season and slugged his way through the league. It would sort of be like if Kevin Durant showed up to play with a bunch of playground all-stars. I mean, of course his team would win, you know? But something like that would never happen. Right? Right???

7 1964 St. Louis Cardinals
The 1964 Cardinals were led on offense by future Hall of Famer Lou Brock while their pitching staff was powered by fellow Cooperstown honoree Bob Gibson so you’d think they’d be safe from this list. Well, you thought wrong. Because even though the Cardinals were a talented team – one that would go on to perhaps be the team of the 1960’s – the 1964 version played in a league featuring some truly awful teams, especially the Mets and Colt .45’s (the future Houston Astros, not a team started by a young Billy D. Williams), both of whom had only recently entered the league. Meanwhile, it was also a league devoid of any truly good teams, as the Cardinals closest competition was a young Phillies team that played over its head (and which blew an 11 game lead over the Cardinals in the last month of the season) and a Reds team that wasn’t quite ready to contend on an annual basis. Still, despite the relative crappiness of the National League that year, and despite the power vacuum just begging for a team to step up and fill it, the Cardinals weren’t that much better, outscoring their opponents by a total of only 63 runs on the season. But hey, somebody had to win that crapfest of a league, and the Cardinals did it before going on to upset the Yankees in 7 games in the World Series. And really, any team that beats the Yankees is okay by me so maybe we should cut them a break.

6 2003 Florida Marlins
Speaking of teams that beat the Yankees and made most of the rest of the free world happy, we have the 2003 Florida Marlins, whose upstart ways left a fond impression on most everyone – degenerate Yankees fans aside, of course. Still, that doesn’t erase the fact that the Marlins, well, that they just weren’t that good. At 91-71, they managed to sneak into the playoffs as a wild card before pulling a series of upsets – first over the defending National League champion Giants, then the Cubs in 7 games, a series which featured the infamous Bartman game and subsequent Cubs collapse, then that sweet victory over the Yankees – all of which came as a surprise to virtually everyone, and by the time it was over, rather than crowning the Marlins as the best team that season, there seemed to be a feeling that went something like “Wait, it’s over? How can these guys be the champs?” And that’s because the Marlins were a team that had spent the several years prior to the 2003 season stinking it up and after they won they went right back to pooping the bed on a regular basis. They may not have been the worst team to ever win it all, but when your staff ace is Carl Pavano and your best hitter is Derrek Lee, it’s hard to say anything other than you got lucky. Sorry, Marlins fans. All 12 of you.

5 2000 New York Yankees
I know I’ve spent a lot of time needling the Yankees already, but I have a good excuse – the Yankees are the team of the devil. Still, no one can deny that they are the preeminent franchise in Major League Baseball, and perhaps in all of sports. Still, that doesn’t mean that all of their championship teams were necessarily worthy. Take the 2000 edition of the Yankees, for example, the last of the Yankees three straight championship teams at the end of the last millennium. It’s because they were a part of that run that people don’t realize that they really weren’t that good. Sleepwalking through the season, the 2000 Yankees won only 87 games, which in most other seasons would have put them on their asses at home instead of in the playoffs, and their veteran hitters, players like Tino Martinez, Paul O’Neill, Chuck Knoblauch and Scott Brosius, were clearly past their prime. And it wasn’t like their pitching staff was much better. Despite a staff that featured names like Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte and David Cone, nobody pitched particularly well for the Yankees that season. Pettitte won the most games, but gave up almost 4.50 runs per game. Clemens was probably the team’s best that year, but people forget that his numbers with the Yankees were never that good, probably because he hadn’t yet discovered [redacted for legal reasons.] Meanwhile, Cone was just awful, going only 4-14 with a 6.91 ERA. Add it all up and you have a team coasting on fumes which somehow managed to pull it together to win one last title with their aging core. Impressive grit to be sure, but that doesn’t mean that they were all that good and that’s why they’re on this list.

4 1985 Kansas City Royals
I know, I know, it’s almost cruel to put the one championship team Kansas City fans have to cling to on this list, but look, dudes and lady dudes, the facts don’t lie. For the season, the Royals outscored their opponents by a grand total of only 48 runs, led by basically one good hitter, Hall of Famer George Brett. The pitching was a little better, led by young phenom Bret Saberhagen, but when your second best hitter is Steve Balboni and your second best pitcher is Charlie Leibrandt, honestly, you really have no business getting anywhere near a World Series title. The Royals did, though, thanks to squeaking by the Toronto Blue Jays in 7 games in the ALCS before getting bailed out by the first base umpire on an infamous blown call in the World Series, which allowed the Royals to prevail in 7 games over the heavily favored St. Louis Cardinals. But like I said, I feel bad about putting the Royals on this list, mostly because the next time they win the World Series, it will probably be the year 2458 and we’ll be ruled by alien overlords from the planet Zargon. Still, you can’t deny simple truths and the simple truth was that the 1985 Royals just weren’t that good a team. Sorry.

3 1959 Los Angeles Dodgers
The 1959 Dodgers don’t really have a reputation for being lucky winners, but when you look at the facts, it’s kind of surprising that these dudes don’t get more flak. The 1959 Dodgers were actually a team caught in a slight rebuilding year. They hadn’t quite shed their identity from earlier in the decade, hanging on to aging and fading stars like Duke Snider and Gil Hodges, and the stars that would propel them to glory a few years later, like pitchers Don Drysdale and Sandy Koufax, were still raw and years away from their primes. For the season, the Dodgers only managed to outscore their opponents by 35 runs, meaning that they were only slightly better than what would be expected of a .500 team. Furthermore, they got lucky in the World Series after somehow winning the National League pennant, as they drew the upstart White Sox and managed to avoid the Yankees who suffered a surprising one year dip in the midst of their decade plus rampage through all of baseball. I know Dodgers fans probably won’t be too happy with this, but it’s all true and they know it. Then again, since they are from Los Angeles, there is a good chance that they don’t give a shit and just want to know if I can get them a reservation at Osteria Mozza.

2 2006 St. Louis Cardinals
Sorry, Cardinals fans. I didn’t really want to put any franchise on this list twice, but… come on, give me a break. I mean, after all, the 2006 Cardinals managed to win the World Series despite finishing with only an 83-78 record – the worst record ever for a World Series winner – which would be like if the Dodgers won the World Series this season. And let’s not forget, the Dodgers spent all of this season getting treated like unwanted children in a messy divorce battle. The point is, is that the 2006 Cardinals were almost the definition of the word “mediocre.” But since they played in a lousy division, they managed to squeak into the playoffs where they sprung a succession of upsets which ended with a World Series triumph over the Detroit Tigers, in which the Tigers helped literally throw the series away with a bunch of comical throwing errors. The Cardinals had one great player and that’s it – Albert Pujols, but apparently that was somehow enough to drag the Cardinals to glory even though they outscored their opponents by only 19 runs on the season and were 13 games under .500 on the road. In fact, looking at the stats, I have no idea how the Cardinals won the World Series in 2006. A wizard did it? I don’t know.

1 1987 Minnesota Twins
I swear it’s only a coincidence that the top two teams on this list only won the World Series after going through my beloved Detroit Tigers. Trust me, that only makes it worse for me. Because even though the 2006 Cardinals were incredibly mediocre, the 1987 Twins were actively lousy. The numbers are stunning. For the season, the Twins, who somehow still managed to finish 85-77, were outscored by 20 runs. Yes, the World Series champion in 1987 actually gave up more runs than they scored. Even more astonishing, the 1987 Twins went 29-52 on the road. 29-52! I shouldn’t even have to say any more. That’s the record of a 100 loss team right there! Still, somehow the Twins managed to win a putrid AL West, thanks in large part to the home field advantage provided by the Metrodome, with its weird, white dome which hid fly balls and its lightning fast Astroturf surface. I guess all that matters is that you get to the playoffs, not how you get there because once the Twins were there they pulled a shocking upset of the Tigers in the ALCS and then took out the heavily favored Cardinals in 7 games to win the franchise’s first World Series since relocating to Minnesota from Washington decades before. Which, I guess, is better than the normal late fall traditions of Minnesota – heavy drinking, buggering farm animals and suicide. So, I guess everyone should be grateful of that at least.

So I came across this not too long ago, on a site that specializes in Japanese video game news…

My initial thought was “only in Japan!” But lo and behold, it’s a game that came out in America first (yes, the fact that it’s all American teams should have been my first clue… sorry, but I don’t know jack about baseball). Earlier this summer to be precise, on Xbox Live…

After some light searching, reviews are on the favorable side! What appears to be a license heavy, but that’s about it, version of the baseball activity from Wii Sports is a full deal game with a certain degree of depth and finesse! It doesn’t have all the hardcore features that a major league sim has, but for about $10, one can’t complain.

Unfortunately, no PS3 version is available, far as I can tell (via PSN’s sh*t interface). Which means your only option is to import that Japanese version, which is a retail release, and costly about 4 times more, and that’s BEFORE accounting for shipping and handling and other import fees. lol, Sony.

But the Padres and Taylormade Golf teamed up for a pretty fantastic little promotion out at PETCO.

Er, actually, “little” is a terrible word — the foul pole is a actually gigantic R-11 driver, Taylormade’s newest product.

The head of the club isn’t “real,” but is painted on the wall at the stadium. The shaft, however, is very much real, is 80-feet tall, weighs 960 pounds, and is positioned squarely in right field.

Even better, the marketing geniuses — and whether or  not I said “geniuses” to draw in some lurking PR person who’s interested in sending me a golf club to demo is really none of your business — decided to to create a time-lapse video out of the project, which is below.

It’s quite cool, really.

And an impressive way to create a partnership between a sports team and a big, relevant brand in today’s economy.

“The launch of the R11 driver has become larger than life for our industry, so we wanted to continue the momentum with a larger than life integration with the San Diego Padres,” said Mark King, president and CEO of TaylorMade-adidas Golf Company in a release.

H/T: Darren Rovell

C: So what was your favorite part about working on this campaign?

Ozzie: If you ask all the guys you’ll find the one thing that we miss the most is the camaraderie.  Bringing everyone together, the past and the present,  I got a chance to meet Longoria and CC Sabathia and some of the young stars today.  I think they have a great appreciation for the guys that came before them.

C: Growing up you were one of the most admired players of my generation, you just played the game the way it was supposed to be played, are there any players now who stand out?

Ozzie: Well I think they (PepsiMax) really did a good job  at selecting players who people can get behind, who really do it the right way, who bring a certain professionalism.  Its always neat when you can watch a professional do his thing.  I have the luxury of living in St. Louis and I get to see Albert Pujols do his thing every day.  And you know there are players and there are professionals, you know C.C. professional, Longoria professional, and Albert Pujols professional.  Those being people that you know what you’re gonna get whether you’re up by 10 or you’re down by 10.

C: Do you think its tougher on players these days with the advent of social media and the steroid era behind us, with just a microscope on players?

Ozzie: You know the media is just changing every day, there’s just so many outlets.  It used to just be like New York was the place where you had all of this media, but now its all across the country, its everywhere go.  You know when you ‘twit it’ and you know, Facebook, they have to be a lot more careful now than when we were coming up.  But it really is a time where you need to be very cognizant of what you do and who you do it with.

Here’s the debut of the new Pepsi Max commercial with a couple of faces you might recognize.

Added bonus: getting it on your phone is stupid simple.

Here’s what you do, courtesy of the Sports Reference guys themselves.

On iPhone, visit the mobile homepage, click ‘+’ or ‘->’ sign on the menu bar at the bottom of the browser and tap “Add to Home Screen.” On Android, visit the mobile homepage, bookmark the mobile homepage, open bookmarks, long click the bookmark and “Add shortcut to Home.” On BlackBerry, simply click on the link for the Launcher for Version 4.2 and Above or the Launcher for Version 4.0 and 4.1. Our icon is automatically used to create a launcher for our web site. The instructions also appear on the front page of the mobile site.

I tried it on my iPhone and it took all of about 10 seconds to get rolling. Yes, for those that will make an obvious point, it is in fact simply a bookmark. But the nice thing is it’s a bookmark that gets a nifty little logo and it lets you go straight to the BBR mobile site, which has been significantly beefed up to improve user experience.

Witness the way a box score looks:

The mobile navigation is particularly crucial — typically speaking a Sports Reference site is almost impossible to work with on a touchscreen, because it requires so many drop-downs, etc. The new format is a substantial upgrade.

And, of course, those drop-downs always correlate to finding the stats you want. Now it’s entirely possible to manage that navigation without getting completely lost and/or mishitting something with your chubby fingers.

In short, it’s a fantastic upgrade all around and a simple way of accessing every single possible baseball box score you could possibly want without actually having to download an unwieldy application or sifting through a difficult-to-use full version of a site.

But it has NOTHING on Sportscenter anchor Steve Berthiaume’s dedication to “MLB The Show.” As Berthiaume recently wrote for ESPN, one of his main hobbies in life going back through and creating historical baseball players in the modern-day video game.

That sounds kind of simplistic — create a character, make him really tall, give him a swanky mustache, a killer fastball and name him Dennis Eckersley — but the extent to which Berthiaume goes to make these guys is borderline insane.

Let’s say Berthiaume wants to recreate Mel Ott (seen above).

Instead of using “Create Player” mode, he goes with “Edit Player” mode, and uses bottom-of-the-barrel minor leaguers in order make his historical recreations.  Then he gets really nuts, by researching current baseball players with similar attributes to Ott, in order to figure out the best possible way to accurately project his rankings.

Ott hit .273 in 1979, but he was a .259 career hitter, so to find three accurate matches, I trended toward lower averages rather than higher ones to find sets that matched. Once you find three good examples from the previous season, go back into the game and get those players’ corresponding “attribute rating numbers” in each category. To do that, go to “Options” and select “Edit Player.” Then scroll to the appropriate team, select the player you’re looking for and choose “Edit Player” on the “Player Options” banner. Scroll through to the “Batting Attributes” heading and find the player’s “rating number” for the attribute you need. Here are the “attribute numbers” for a video game Ed Ott from last season, using 2009 actual player statistics.

Ryan Church, B/L — .273, 359 AB, 98 H; right contact +72; left contact +43
John Baker, B/L — .271, 373 AB, 101 H; right contact +74; left contact +48
Brett Gardner B/L — .270, 248 AB, 67 H; right contact +62, ; left contact +58
video game Ed Ott average = right contact +69, left contact +4

Berthiaume does this across the board, too. Obviously Ott isn’t some combo of Church, Baker and Gardner; they just happen to have a similar contact rate from the left side.

So Berthiaume finds a group of players with a similar plate discipline, a similar stolen base percentage, etc., etc., and then puts all of that together to create Ott.

Oh yes, and he also researches the batting stance of each person and then sifts through the full list of stances in order to find one that matches it most closely (“Generic Batting Stance 90″ gets it done for Ott).

The whole process is bananas, and that’s not even discussing what he does with pitchers, which is beyond insane, because it involves researching the different velocity and break of each pitchers separate pitches.

So, yeah, I recommend reading the whole piece. Not only will you have a different level of nerd respect for Berthiaume, but you’ll have a fantastic excuse for why you don’t actually spend too much time on the Xbox.

Taking an Inside Look at ‘MLB The Show’ – [ESPN]

It’s long been available for streaming on the Internet, it made its way to mobile devices recently, and now it’ll be available on Apple TV, as will NBA League Pass Broadband.

So sayeth the league themselves, who promise the usual “regular season features” like: HD Quality (where available!), LIVE and archived games, home and away broadcasts, quick navigation to run scoring plays or a particular at bat, and much, much more!

It’ll cost you $99.99 for the “regular” version of MLB.tv and $119.99 for the “premium.” Upgrades of the latter include live-game DVR controls (very cool) and PIP/split screen, which are both probably worth it for the full year, especially if you’re going to be that invested in your baseball watching.

Additionally, NBA League Pass is now available for Apple TV as well — it’s either $64.95 (pick seven teams) or $99.95 (all 30 teams) for the full season.

There are a few downsides, though. (Aren’t there always?)

First, you’ve got buy an Apple TV, of course, but that’s only going to cost you about $95, which isn’t horrible. And, you REALLY want to make sure you only purchase the second-generation Apple TV (it’s the black one), because the first one won’t help you, as they don’t update the software on those. (Side rant — this sucks because the first-gen Apple TV’s have tons of storage, whereas the second-gen’s don’t, but you can’t use Netflix on the former either, sigh.)

Secondly (and most importantly), is the fact that some games will still be blacked out. This is devastating for a pile of reasons, but usually because people who buy the league pass want to see their favorite team. And if you live near your favorite team, that might not be happening.

MLB on Apple TV – [MLB.com]

NBA League Pass on Apple TV – [NBA.com]

After 14 long years, Bert Blyleven can finally call himself a Hall of Famer. Along with second baseman Roberto Alomar, the two will be the only inductees into the 2011 Baseball Hall of Fame class.

Alomar was picked on 90 percent of the ballots by the Baseball Writers’ Association of America. The 12-time All-Star won a record 10 Gold Gloves at second base, hit .300 for his career and helped the Toronto Blue Jays win titles in 1992-93.
Blyleven was picked on 79.7 percent – it takes 75 percent to reach the shrine. The great curveballer had 287 wins, 3,701 strikeouts and 60 shutouts. This was his 14th time on the ballot and his career stats have gotten a boost in recent years by sabermetricians who have new ways to evaluate baseball numbers

Several notable players missed the cut including steroid ring leaders Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, and Juan Gonzalez. I can tell you with the utmost certainty that as long as this clip is around, Palmeiro will NEVER get in. It’s the ultimate “oh no you didn’t” moment.

Baseball agent Scott Boras has been a thorn in the side of many MLB organizations over the years. His ability to get the most for his clients, even when they’re well past their prime (Pudge Rodriguez), is uncanny. Most general managers would tell you, in secret, that they despise him.

So you can bet, when this report came out that Boras’ company had been supplying money to Dominican players, it brought a smile to many a MLB exec.

The report cited people with ties to Boras. The Times said the loans and payments raise questions about whether his company broke Major League Baseball Players Association rules governing the conduct of agents.

Boras is perhaps baseball’s most powerful agent. The Times said that in a statement he declined to say whether any loans were made, but he acknowledged his company had “aided” players and families in the past.

According to union regulations, any loan exceeding $500 dollars must be reported. From the sounds of this, it appears that was not the case, although, it still remains to be seen.

If anything, this story will get juicer as more details come piling in. You can bet that some players were probably scared to come forward because of Boras’ control over them. But now that the story is out in the open, well, you should probably watch your back Scott.

Report: Boras’ company loaned money to prospects [AP]

6

As if things weren’t already bad for the Notre Dame program, now star QB Dayne Crist is out six months after knee surgery to repair a torn patella tendon. Almost exactly a year earlier, on Oct 31st, 2009, Crist suffered a torn ACL. I’m guessing he won’t be holding a Halloween party next year to commemorate the event.

1

Our wild and wacky neighbors to the north had one crazy ending to a game over the weekend. The CFL’s Toronto Argonauts and the Montreal Alouettes traded punts late in the game to prevent a game winning single point field-goal “rouge”. It’s a play I didn’t even know existed in modern play football. Naturally, I asked for help from CFL Yahoo! blogger Andrew Bucholtz. Trust me, it’s worth watching the bizarre play and reading his explanation.

58

Former Blazers star Maurice Lucas passed away yesterday as a result of bladder cancer. Lucas, 58, led the Portland Trailblazers to their only NBA Title in 1977. The five-time All-Star average 14.4 points and 8.8 rebounds in 12 NBA seasons with Portland, New Jersey, New York, Phoenix, the Los Angeles Lakers and Seattle.

39,073

Everyday for the last 36 years, Walter Byerly has run at least one mile. The 80-year old doesn’t really think about it much saying “it’s something I’ve got to do”. In totally unrelated news, everyday for the last 15 years I’ve successfully eaten a jelly-filled donut. I consider my accomplishment to be a much greater feat.

21

I’m not sure I totally grasp MLB scheduling World Series games on Sunday during NFL season but nevertheless, there was a game last night and the Giants pulled to within one win of the championship. 21-year-old rookie pitcher Madison Bumgarner pitched a gem for San Francisco, holding the Rangers offense to 3 hits in 8 innings in a 4-0 victory. Tonight’s pitching match-up is the same as Game 1, Lincecum and Lee. For the Rangers to have any shot of extending this series, Lee will have to perform much better than he did a week ago.

26

Ryuji Imada received a 26-stroke penalty for not adhering to local rules at a tournament in China. Instead of placing a drop (after a lift and clean) within a scorecard’s length, Imada opted to use the more customary club-length rule. When he was informed of the mistake, Imada told officials he had done it at least 13 times which resulted in a 2-stroke penalty for every occurrence.

8

Brett Favre was carted off the field midway through the 4th quarter after taking a brutal helmet shot to the chin but don’t worry folks, his start streak is still alive. After receiving eight stitches, Favre told the media that he will be ramped and ready to go for next week’s game. That collective groan you hear is from Brad Childress, whose head coaching fate now rests on the abilities of a 41-year old attention whore.

Some background from MLB.com’s Astros game report:

The woman, identified only as Sarah, was struck on the right arm by a foul ball off the bat of Chris Johnson in the fourth inning while sitting down the left-field line — a ball that she didn’t see coming because her boyfriend ducked out of the way at the last second.

“As soon as we got here and I saw where we were sitting, I said ‘Baby, we’re going to get hit,’” the woman said when interviewed during the game. “He said, ‘No, I’ll catch it if you do. We just had this conversation and sure enough, the ball comes at me. He just bailed.”

Well, hopefully Sarah learned a lesson about not moving when a foul ball’s coming at you. And also about trusting guys with soul patches. Neither of those things are good for your long-term physical health.

There are jokes that could be made about Sarah’s experience with balls, but how insensitive of you to think of them at a time like this, Guyism reader. We’re here to help Sarah through her pain (and possibly provide erotic massages as consolation), not mock her. For shame.

The World’s Most Chivalrous Boyfriend [Jezebel]
Bo is no beau as girlfriend is hit by foul ball [MLB.com]

Despite walking 8 batters and throwing 149 pitches, Edwin Jackson had enough in the tank to no-hit the Tampa Bay Rays last night. It was the fourth no-hitter in MLB this year. I guess you can say that 2010 is the year of the pitcher.

“It’s one of those moments where you’re just caught up in the moment. It’s one of the craziest games I’ve had, especially the game starting off how it did. Not being able to find the strike zone with the fastball,” Jackson said. “Good thing I could throw the slider for strikes in any count. It just resurrected my game.”

It was the third time in less than a year that the Rays had been no-hit. So if you’re looking for a reason as to why these rare occurrences have been popping up more often, look no farther than their dugout.

Another oddity thrown into the mix is this: Edwin Jackson has a losing record this season (5-6) and a losing record for his career (43-45). Given that he also walked 7 of those 8 batters in the first 3 innings, the probability of him throwing a no-hitter was not something anyone thought about it. In fact, the Diamondbacks had pitchers warming up from the 6th inning on.

But in the end, Jackson mustered up just enough energy to get Jason Bartlett to ground out to short for the final out.

I’ve always wondered how an announcer would feel having to cover a horrendous team, day in and day out. You’d think we’d see some more books about this. It has to make you feel like you’re not accomplishing a whole lot in your life too. It’s not like anything you could do would help the Indians play better so you’re kind of trapped in this veritable “Groundhog’s Day” of crappy baseball, forced to act like it’s interesting so the fans will keep tuning in. Can’t be fun.

That said, I like to imagine Jhonny Peralta heard about this and said, “What? Bruce said that about me? Really?” Then he acted like he didn’t care and was like, “Whatever man, what does he know.” But he went home and cried just a little. Maybe even cut himself. The pain makes him feel like he’s less of a terrible player.

VIDEO: Indians Announcer Does Not Care For Jhonny Peralta, Or Any Of The Other Indians [SB Nation]

Minka Kelly and her shortstop boyfriend Derek Jeter went to the Villa Nova restaurant the other day. Yep, they’re still dating. I know. Sucks, right? Anyhoo, it seems that Derek can be a real gentleman when the urge strikes. See how he opened the door to the restaurant for her? So nice. Apparently that doesn’t apply to car doors though, where Minka is left to do the work all by herself. And yes, I know I am nitpicking, but when a couple is as perfect as these two are it’s finding small flaws like that that get me through the day. Shut up.

People have completely lost their minds about the future of Heyward– some even comparing the kid to another pretty well-know Atlanta slugger, Hank Aaron. Is that unfair or is it fitting? It’s certainly starting to look like the later. I’d say it’s far too soon to make that type of comparison and he’d need to stay healthy, but I heard his sunglasses were blessed by the original Dalai Lama and they actually prevent him from ever sustaining an injury.

It all started in spring training, when reports of Heyward hitting balls so hard that they were destroying cars parked beyond the right field wall started pouring in. Those reports were true. After a searing spring, where he hit .366 and led the Braves in walks and stolen bases, many speculated that the team couldn’t possibly let the outfielder start the season in Triple-A. Those reports also proved to be true. Then, when the hype just seemed too good to be true, Heyward stepped-up to the plate in his first at-bat and promptly tattooed a Carlos Zambrano offering into the right field bleachers. Yesterday, the guy drove in the game-winning runs in the bottom of the ninth inning against the Colorado Rockies. He’s now only a single RBI behind the league leader in RBIs. The legend of the “J-Hey Kid” continues to grow exponentially…

I did some research on Jason Heyward and these are 10 things I found about the guy that you readers may not have known.

1. Jason Heyward uses a bat made from one of Chuck Norris’ femurs.

2. Jason Heyward doesn’t strike-out. The balls are just so afraid of his bat that they refuse to be hit.

3. A man who went into cardiac arrest at Turner Field didn’t need to be resuscitated with adrenaline filled needles, someone just yelled “Jason Heyward,” and the man woke back up.

4. At 20, Jason Heyward can’t legally drink. But if he could, his drink would be made with Johnnie Walker Blue and the tears of opposing pitchers.

5. Jason Heyward hit so many bombs during spring training that he’s now on the TSA’s No-Fly List.

6. Jason Heyward once hit a home run so hard that it traveled through time and counted for the previous day’s game. Because of the extra runs, his team won and the MLB implemented the “Heyward Space Time Continuum Rule” in order to prevent future home runs from dictating the outcome of past games.

7. Atlanta doesn’t have a Bat Signal, they simply shine a picture of Jason Heyward in the sky when they need a bat-themed hero.

8. Jason Heyward once hit a ball so high that it blocked out the sun for two days. During those two days Stonehenge was constructed.

9. Eyjafjallajokull Volcano? That’s where Heyward’s second home run landed.

10. Bill Brasky often tells stories about his time with Jason Heyward.

Most of the time, we prefer our athletes to be warm, smiling characters. Look at LeBron James; the guy is 6’8 and packs 250 pounds but you would have no problem approaching him on the street. He just looks like a nice guy. This list is not for guys like that. Contained below are the most frightening, snarling athletes that the general public would do well to avoid like their lives depend on it.

1 Mike Tyson

You don’t get the nickname “The Baddest Man on the Planet” by being a nice guy. In his heyday, Mike possessed a rare combination of speed, knockout power, and blood lust. He’s broken opponent’s orbital bones, bit off ears, spent time in prison. You name the act, and Mike has committed it with the unapologetic rage of a wild man. If you’re not completely convinced by now, simply go look up videos of his interviews. His mere presence has even the most steadfast reporters shivering. Plus, the guy tried to take out Little Mac!

2 Serena Williams

For years everyone had their suspicions that the younger sister was secretly a psychotic super athlete. Just watch her play tennis. She hits the ball like it owes her money, screaming out a war cry with each stroke. She’s also got biceps that look like they were infused to her body during a lab experiment. But the confirmation of many people’s fears came during last year’s U.S. Open final. Disputing a call, she stormed over to the female line judge and threatened to “Shove this **** ball down your ***** throat.” Yikes.

3 Ray Lewis

Some athletes have the ability to act like complete gentlemen off the field but turning into monsters while on it. Ray Lewis is one of those men. From his maniacal pre-game ritual that looks straight out of a Tongan death dance. If you haven’t had the pleasure of listening to his pre-game speeches they kind of sound like this: “RAARR! KILL! FOOTBALL! NO MERCY!!” Ok fine we might have embellished that a little bit. On the field, ferocity of his hits are so intense that many find themselves marveling at the fact that anyone gets up afterwards.

4 Scott Parker

In a sport that demands toughness out of all of it’s athletes, Scott Parker shone as the one of the toughest. They say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but Scott Parker is exactly what he looks like: a rough dude that can snap at any moment. During one game, Parker was so incensed that he slammed his stick against the penalty box glass and got himself ejected. But before he could be led off the ice, he jumped onto the glass between the two team’s benches and started hitting an opposing player in the face. Now retired, Parker runs a barber shop business with his wife. Who in the world would trust him with scissors?

5 Albert Belle

Baseball is not the first sport that comes to mind when thinking of intimidating athletes. However, Albert Belle has been a special case his whole career. From throwing a ball at a fan who was taunting him during a game, to hitting a would-be vandal with his car, Belle was a man without fear or mercy. But it wasn’t just opponents and fans who feared his wrath. He reportedly took a bat to teammate Kenny Lofton’s boombox after a particularly poor at-bat. Looks like someone needed a hug badly. Volunteers?

6 Bernard Hopkins

By nature, most professional fighters are intimidating human beings. Hopkins takes the cake as one of the last guys you want staring across the ring from you in a match. Coming from the tough streets of Philadelphia, Hopkins was born rough, beating up and stealing money from older kids. Hopkins didn’t discover his love for boxing at a gym like most people, he began boxing while serving a prison sentence for multiple felonies. In the ring, Hopkins doesn’t really knock his opponents out as much as he saps their will with his bullying and counter punching. He does all of this with the countenance of a hired killer.

7 Lawrence Taylor

How many careers have you ended today? None? Oh well, you must be a normal person; unlike our next athlete Lawrence Taylor. The former Giants pass rusher was an absolute berserker on the field, seemingly with the intent to literally put them through the ground. Opposing offensive coordinators eventually had to adapt to LT’s blitzkrieg. His most infamous hit was during the 1985 season where he hit Redskins quarterback Joe Theismann so badly that Theismann broke his leg, forcing him into retirement.

8 Randy Johnson

The fact that this guy is nicknamed the Big Unit and no one thought to make fun of the guy for it (at least to his face) says a lot. Johnson stood 6’10 and rocked one of the most complete mullet/goatee combinations ever seen in sports. Imagine standing in a batter’s box seeing a guy like that throw 90+ mph fastballs in your general direction. In one particular incident, an unfortunate bird flew in the way of one of Johnson’s pitches. The bird quite literally exploded into a mess of feathers and blood. If it weren’t downright frightening, it would almost be kind of beautiful.

9 Wanderlei Silva

One does not get the nickname the “Axe Murderer” by being nice and cuddly. Silva reigned as the PRIDE middleweight champion for years, leaving a trail of would-be challengers unconscious in a pool of their own blood. A whirlwind of knees, elbows, and stomps Silva lives for the knockout. His epic pre-fight staredowns are by far the scariest in the sports of mixed martial arts. Just try to watch a clip of him without peeing your pants a little.

10 Brock Lesnar

Normal people do not have giant swords tattooed on their chests. It’s safe to say that the current UFC Heavyweight champ is not a normal person, but a genetic freak of a man. In the ring, Lesnar becomes an absolute killer with no remorse. Just ask Frank Mir whom Lesnar pinned against the cage hitting him repeatedly with hammerfists. Afterwards he still got in Mir’s face and let him know just who the alpha dog is. Lesnar, a former NCAA and WWE wrestling champion, spends his free time secluded in the woods hunting wild game and presumably running rampant on small villages.

Kim Kardashian launched her new fragrance. One problem though… the logo for the swill appears to have been lifted. The double K logo on Kim’s fragrance bottles bears a striking resemblance to the double K logo of a jewelry line called Korcula. I think I saw that movie.

Matthew Fox has allegedly been cheating on his wife with a stripper from Oregon. “I was dancing onstage, and I made eye contact with him immediately. I got so excited,” Stefani tells In Touch. Since she was a big Party of Five fan, she recognized him right away — but she soon found out he was much different from the clean-cut characters he plays.” Apparently Matt doesn’t get “Lost” in a strip club.

Charlie Sheen will also be going to rehab following in his wife’s recent footsteps. “He’s dragging his feet,” one source said. “He really doesn’t want to go. He’s going to go. He has to go. But he’s not in yet.” That’s what she said.

Abbie Cornish dumped Ryan Phillippe because of rumors that he cheated on her just like he did with Reese Witherspoon. The split follows months of tabloid speculation that Phillippe has been unfaithful to Cornish – regularly hitting the nightclubs and being linked to other women. Guys got some game for a washed up, never was, doesn’t he?

Lindsay Lohan gave an interview to The Sun in which she discussed her lesbianism. “If I wasn’t with Samantha, I would probably be with a boy next. She’s the only woman I’ve been attracted to. We love each other. We might reconcile the relationship, maybe. I don’t know.” Wake me when I care.

Barack Obama loves to sweat it out to Jay-Z. The rapper recently told Britain’s BBC One that the last time he spoke to the President, it was his Blueprint album that was playing in the background. Barack talks to Jay-Z? Really? For exactly what purpose? Does anyone else find that unusual? No? Okay.

The new Karate Kid movie that Will Smith bought for his son like rich-people karaoke has a new trailer out. This one has a little more focus on the plot, which is pretty much a straight lift from the first one. So basically, it’s Arnold from Happy Days teaching Johnny Cade from The Outsiders karate all over again?

Remember how Carrie Prejean was all “traditional marriage” this and “traditional marriage” that? Yeah, not so much. A source close to Carrie and her fiancee NFL QB Kyle Boller confirmed to RadarOnline.com that Carrie has indeed moved in with him. “She’s living there. He’s remodeling the house and she’s helping him.” Good. This just speeds up the inevitable fun-for-us divorce.

Rozlyn Papa of The Bachelor ‘fame’ has a sex tape being shopped around? The buzz is that there’s new celebrity sex tape being shopped around the porn community and the person peddling the tape says Papa is the star of the flick. Awesome, another sex tape. Now who the hell is Rozlyn Papa again?

Tiger Woods has checked himself into an Arizona rehab clinic for addiction to Vicodin and Ambien, according to The National Enquirer. “In therapy, Tiger blamed a lot of his cheating behavior on his drug addiction, saying that the drugs were responsible for impairing his judgment,” said a totally reliable source. Next we’ll find out he knows the true whereabouts of Amelia Earhart.

Jon Cryer’s ex-wife was trying to have him assassinated. Really. According to documents filed in the custody battle between Cryer and ex-wife Sarah Trigger, Trigger’s lawyer claims on December 21, 2009, Trigger told her that her ex-boyfriend, Eddie Sanchez, had said he was going to kill Cryer and Trigger’s estranged husband, David Dickey. Looks like he almost became the “half” part of Two and a Half Men.

Brazilians want Paris Hilton’s new beer ad completely removed from circulation down there. A government official for woman’s affairs claims the commercial “devalues woman, particularly blondes”. I think Paris Hilton doing an ad for a beer company devalues the beer company, but that’s just my take on it.

In a sad note, Walter Koenig — father of Growing Pains actor Andrew Koenig — his son, who had been missing since February 14, took his own life. Boner, we hardly knew ye.

Oh, and Conan is now on Twitter. As is Ozzie Guillen. Choose wisely.

You know, it’s a good thing we have celebrities to prove to us that even though it’s Winter and the weather sucks where many of us live, there are still places like the Turks and Caicos Islands where people with lots of money can go and play on the beach in bikinis. Without people like Dancing with the Stars’ Karina Smirnoffwe wouldn’t properly know much to hate our lives. By the way, when did Karina start dating Cardinals pitcher Brad Penny anyway (the guy she is playing catch with)? And how does that dude pull so much trim? Oh yeah. He’s a rich athlete. Duh. My bad.

Not really sure what Johnny Damon is doing here.  I hate to insinuate something dirty…..but that just doesn’t look right.