However, I highly doubt that Ben’s going to be involved in handing out the checks to consumers who purchased repairs for Dell’s shoddy products. More importantly, are YOU one of those consumers? Because if you are, you should probably find out and get some money from Dell, who just lost a class-action lawsuit.

The full details are at a website breaking the lawsuit, but here’s the skinny:

If you owned a Dell 1150, 5100 or 5160, you got hosed, because Dell purposely made those products in a poor manner. (Frankly, I can’t believe it’s only three models — when I first read about this, I assumed it was the entire company.)

How so? Well, the Plaintiffs claimed that Dell “acted deceptively in designing, manufacturing, marketing, selling, and servicing” these computers and that Dell provided (1) inadequate cooling systems (2) a power supply system that prematurely fails when used as intended and (3) motherboards that prematurely fail when used as intended.

If you’ve ever owned a Dell, this sounds pretty accurate. The company, of course, is denying all wrongdoing and just handing out money to consumers in place of actually admitting they did something wrong.

The whole notion of “why are you paying if you didn’t do anything wrong?” aside, if you owned one of those, you can get some cash.

First, just be on the lookout for a “Notice of Eligibility” from Dell. Knowing them, it will probably come in a barely marked envelope that won’t make you want to open it. (And it could say “Auto” on there, because they’re using their databases to find out who’s eligible, so don’t chunk it just because of that.)

If you owned a computer and don’t receive that, go to the lawsuit’s website and follow the instructions.

Be warned, though, that you’ll probably only get like $150 (per Consumerist), so the painful process might not actually be worth the results.

Which makes it just like any normal experience with Dell customer service.

For more, visit CreditLoan.

Winning the lottery sounds like a dream come true; with things the way they are this day and age in the aftermath of “the great recession,” having a few extra thousand or million dollars in your proverbial piggy bank would be a nice change of pace.

However, you must face the fact that that chances of actually winning a large lump sum of cold, hard cash is about as good as one in a billion … you must also take into consideration all those poor souls that piss through their yearly earnings, or their grandma’s allotment of will money on those little green and pink tickets that could potentially make them millionaires. And then there’s little old you.

I’m not trying to deter you from achieving your big break; I’m just stating the facts. However, if you do get your 15 minutes of fame, here’s a list of 10 things you could potentially do with your big earnings … you know, after big brother takes his cut of your loot.

1 Pay off those nasty bills

Yes, I know you have lingering student loans that aren’t paid for in full or that % APR that’s rising on your car payments each month. Whatever kind of junky bill you have in your “in-box” by the front door, you have to get rid of it! Send checks out a little higher than your monthly balance; this way, your next month’s bill will be lower and your credit score will increasingly get better with time … imagine that!

2 Open a savings account

If you don’t have one already, now would be a good time to open one up. You may also want to shop around for the bank that offers the best money back interest rate in your area; this means more money for you in the long-run. You don’t want to be “that person” who wins the lotto and then pisses away their winnings within a few months. You’re an adult … act like it.

3 Municipal bonds

Two words, one hyphen … tax-free. It is said that these kinds of bonds are a safe way to be awarded interest off of your original lump sum that was first invested. See a trend here? Invest, invest, invest!

4 Give back

Even if you live under a rock, you have to have heard about the travesty that has hit the people in Haiti. Mother Nature has her reasons for doing what she does, and it’s quite devastating at times. With that being said, take this opportunity while you’re ahead of the game to donate some of your lottery winnings to those who really need their day brightened. Whether it’s $100.00 or $1,000.00, your generosity counts. You may want to try CARE.org or RedCross.org.

5 Fixer-uppers

You may have put the needs of your kingdom (i.e. your home) on the back-burner because of a frustrating income, but now that you came into some cash, get that grout and those paint brushes ready! Survey the rooms of your apartment or house and make a check-list of what areas need the most work. Hell, make a weekend out of it … get some buddies of yours over for some cold beers and get your asses to work. Be sure to help them out when they need some fixing-up to do, too.

6 Give back … again

Once you have given back to the people of Haiti, give back to another charitable cause. How about to the people of New Orleans; a good majority of those jazz-lovin’ folk still don’t have a proper roof over their heads … and it’s been HOW many years later since Katrina hit? Or get involved with a local charity. Or if you’re really ambitious, start one of your own in your neighborhood. Do this with the kindness of your heart, not for achieve some kind of celebrity.

7 Put it away

You have some disposable income now, so make it last. If you have children, put a nice hunk of cash away into a college fund for them. They will appreciate this when the time comes to pay off student loans. If you are single or newly married, put some money into your retirement or emergency fund. You’ll be happy you did this!

8 Recycle

If you are a small business owner, putting money into your business can only help you out in the long-run; you know the age-old saying, “you have to spend money to make money.” Take a portion of your earnings and put it back into your business. The luck of the draw bowed in your favor, so don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. At the very least, give your employees a little bonus … a happy employee is a hard-working employee.

9 Family

Be the good child in your family and help a relative out. If you have an elderly parent or a family member that is struggling a bit, generously give some of your proceeds to them. Whether it be a small loan for household appliances or just cutting a check for the hell of it, you’ll be doing a good thing in the long-run.

10 Paradise

I’ve given you nine tips on how to responsibly take care of your lottery winnings, now it’s time for a little splurge. Have you been thinking about traveling to Europe but never took the plunge because of financial restrictions? Now’s your chance! Book your trip smartly and still stay a bit frugal because you want the money to last more than a New York minute.

If you’ve won the lottery, congratulations! Please just be as smart as you can with whatever amount of money you come into. Most importantly, just enjoy it…and feel free to send a charitable donation our way.

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A proposal to levy a $5 tax on sex acts in Nevada has died in a state Senate committee.

The 3-4 vote Thursday in the Nevada Senate Taxation Committee was one shy of the four needed to keep the proposal afloat.

Committee Chairman Bob Coffin, the Las Vegas Democrat who sponsored the bill, says the state is desperate for revenue and has not collected taxes from prostitution since it was legalized in some rural counties more than 30 years ago.

Sen. Mike McGinness, a Republican from Fallon who voted against the tax, says he wouldn’t support a new tax on services.

Coffin has estimated the tax would’ve raised at least $2 million a year. Nevada is facing a more than $2.8 billion revenue shortfall.

I don’t think that they should tax these people buying sex with women. There’s already been a pretty heavy tax paid. Like when the hookers gave up their souls. That should get some sort of credit.

At least they aren’t contemplating all sex acts. Could you imagine if you had to pay $5 every time you dropped a load somewhere? And what an awful job it’d be to collect that tax. Just bleachy smelling bills with jizz all over Lincoln’s beard. Who drew the short straw on that one?

[source]

10. Traveling in basketball. You get the feeling that as soon as he invented the game, James Naismith started bitching about how the players weren’t dribbling enough.

9. Defensive pass interference. The rules may change, but the whining does not. Oh, and your opinion is entirely dependent on your view of the laundry, of course.

8. Tattoos on players. Don’t they realize that this makes them unfit for burial in a strict Jewish cemetery?

7. Concession prices. If the beer that you are crying into is too expensive, there’s always the option of staying home. (Or losing a leg and filling up your prosthetic with booze. That’s what Raider Fan does.)

6. Cheating. Just because steroids, HGH, Lasix and more exist now, doesn’t mean that amphetamines and narcotics weren’t used before, or that the old-timers weren’t stealing signs, fixing games or sending hookers over the night before a game. There’s nothing new under the sun.

5. ESPN. Just because it has been going downhill for decades doesn’t mean that pointing it out isn’t tiresome.

4. Fantasy sports. Just accept that it’s a form of gambling that you don’t understand or appreciate, and move on. It’s really not the end of the world, or any threat to just watching to see which team wins.

3. Statistics. Hey, you know what’s great to hear? People who are ignorant of how something works getting self-righteous about it. Have at it, old man.

2. Ticket prices. Why, when I was a kid, you could go to a game and make money, because the players would take pity on you and just give you money. And ham. Lots of ham.

1. Player salaries. Just because something is indefensible and insane, especially in a down economy, doesn’t mean your same old take on it deserves attention.

The NBA’s Development League is experimenting with letting division winners choose their first round opponent. Why should the parent league follow suit?

10. Gives the Celtics their best chance to get home-court advantage in every game

9. Makes Mark Cuban bitter that he can’t go back in time and duck the Warriors

8. Allows the league to make sure LeBron James is always playing against a media market that deserves him

7. Provides the strongest proof yet as to how the entire NBA just really wants to avoid Salt Lake City

6. Gives incredible second-guess potential for any high seed that loses

5. Helps spread the idea to the NFL, which would have allowed the Vikings and Dolphins to lose to some other team

4. Gives people some reason to care about who wins a regular season division

3. Makes someone notice the NBA during the regular season for something other than fights, trades, arrests, suspensions and choreographed dance routines

2. Finally makes the “no one respected us!” meme verifiable

1. Helps to ensure that the best team always wins, because heaven knows, that’s more interesting to watch than, say, the Final Four

That’s a pretty clever way to make some hard earned cash. I recently told my girlfriend that I was going to donate blood and sperm to get money to pay for my various endeavors but she wasn’t too pleased with the idea of me donating sperm. I don’t totally get why though because my sperm is plentiful and also valuable, not only for a lesbian couple who will inevitably end up inseminated with it, but because society can use my sperm to bring the quality up. Oh man, that’d be awesome to just have a bunch of people with my DNA running around across the continental US. If only I could get some sort of mindcontrolling serum into my testes first, I’d have an army of Chrislike supermen and women ready to overtake society or, more likely, feed me sandwiches and do my taxes. Either way, I’m pretty sure it’d be the most value I’ve ever gotten out of an orgasm outside of getting my prostate forcibly massaged during Confession.

“In a move meant to ensure that the public has access to their money from banks, the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe has introduced a new family of banknotes which will gradually come into circulation, starting with the Z$10 trillion,” Zimbabwe’s state-run Herald newspaper quotes a bank statement as saying.

[via]

Almost 70 Scores top strippers want their bosses to hand over the 10 cents they skimmed from every dollar slipped into their G-strings.

Following a hearing Monday in Manhattan Federal Court, lawyer Justin Swartz said dozens of former Scores employees – most of them dancers – have joined a class-action suit former Scores bartender Siri Diaz filed in October 2007.

The women accuse Scores of a “greedy money grab” engineered through the use of “Diamond Dollars,” play money customers use to tip their favorite lap dancer.

The strippers say management skimmed 10% off their “Diamond Dollars” take. Swartz said the two sides are “discussing the possibility of a settlement.”

There’s so many shocking pieces in this story. Scummy strip club owners? Women who show their labia for money (I know, they don’t do that in NYC, but come on, the idea of showing your labia for money is much funnier than just breasts) somehow wanting even more money? I’m taken aback by all of the unconventional ideas in this story.

It’s not in my nature to go against the rights of our brave nude Americans and their rights to earn the money they’re due for doing such brave things as: Showing their breasts to strangers, pretending to be interested in those strangers, wearing clear high heels, dancing to Motley Crue, giving handjobs to unattractive traveling salesmen for slightly more money, calculus, shooting ping pong balls out of their vaginas, and much much more. We must support their naked bodies unwaveringly, ideally by propping up said bodies against our erect penises for which we wear sweatpants in order to maximize the amount of contact they give us during their lap dances. Yessir, being a stripper is a glamorous life indeed.

[source]

According to the Dennis Hof, owner of the whorehouse subsidizing the mission, the Bunny Ranch in Nevada, Dylan’s got a couple offers.

“We have offers from $1 million to $3.8 million, and we have started collecting deposits,” Dennis exclusively tells Scandalist. But the highest bidder won’t necessarily win Natalie’s heart, and virginity. As Natalie told Scandalist, she won’t do the deed with just anyone, but hopes to find someone who “seems intelligent.” Although her personal top pick, Barack Obama, has not placed a bid, Natalie has some excellent potential first-time partners.

Dennis said, “There are a few people she likes. She has been e-mailing and talking on the phone with several men. She wants to be comfortable.” With the possible $3.8 million Natalie could receive, surely she will be more than comfortable.

Well, it’s great to see that the vagina futures market has rallied along with the rest of the stock market, but that’s just silly. To think that some girl who’s willing to allow some random, probable mess of a man would forego an extra $2.8 million just because one guy “felt more right” is kind of absurd. You know what’d feel right? Taking a dip in a pool full of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck. I mean, theoretically. It’d probably be kind of painful. In fact, I don’t know how a fairly small duck was able to swim through piles of solid gold. Seems like you’d hurt yourself more often than not. Those ducks have some life.

Aside: In terms of future forecasting, I expect the price for her second time having sex to decline about, oh, 3800%. It’s not really a renewable resource. That’s why you have to have multiple daughters to sell on the black market. It’s science.

[Even more photos here]